For those who need help with NC and letting go.


Home Forums Break Up Advice For those who need help with NC and letting go.

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Viewing 25 posts - 76 through 100 (of 1,027 total)
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  • #369096

    tt

    all of the things you said WERE true. i realized that i was very insecure and clingy when we were together. i get that. but i’ve learned and i dont think that i’m that way anymore.

    how did i push him away this time? is me wanting a full on relationship after like 3 months of ‘seeing each other’ bad? i just felt like i was on hold. nobody likes to feel that way. i tell him that this isnt his fault and that i just want more than he can give. i dont know how to just ‘casually date him’, we have too much history there.

    thanks for all your feedback Harley! and i have read many articles and i have read the book men are from mars and woman are from venus.i cant change the past, but i do realize what i was doing wrong.

    but if he says that he isnt ready…. how can i prove that i’ve changed to him?

    #369098

    Harley

    Telling him it “isn’t his fault and that you want more than he can give ” makes him feel rejected and puts him under pressure. You have to lighten up and go with the flow. Forget past history so to speak. treat the last 3 months as if it were a new relationship.. FAR too early to seek committment/ full on relationship.

    You both have to learn to trust again.. he needs to feel secure that you will not go back to the “old you”. ONLY TIME and concentrated effort on your part shall do this. HE.. of course has to do his part by being a good bf.

    IF.. he still does not want to committ in another 2 mths.. by XMAS.. I’d move on. YOUR GUT will let you know if there are no improvements by then and he REALLY does like living the “boys with the boys” life again.

    #369100

    tt

    okay…. that all makes sense. but after basically cutting it off again (on Monday), how do we try this again? I’m not sure if reaching out to him is a good idea especially after he knows that i want a relationship and he cant give that to me.

    #369101

    Claire

    I can identify with this tt. I think a similar thing may have contributed to my breakup. I started becoming needy as we had so much time apart when my ex was on tour (he did a 9month tour and is in the military). The time took it’s toll on us and I started freaking out, thinking there was someone else or I was going to get hurt in some way. I don’t know if this was female intuition (as the first thing he did when we broke up was went off with his ex so maybe they had been talking and I was picking up on something) but he did have to reassure me a lot towards the end of the relationship. I wasn’t the strong confident woman that I was when we first met. It’s probably similar for you, and you need to get back to being this woman if you guys stand a chance. Right now it sounds like you need him too much (rather than being confident and knowing you can cope on your own if it doesn’t work out) and he can see that. I think you should show him what you’re worth by really taking a break, learning to love yourself and maybe dating other guys when you’re ready. It sounds like you need to get stronger and more confident with being on your own before you can be with him or anyone else. I’m exactly the same as you right now and this is what I need to do myself.

    I’ve just got back from a yoga class and i’m feeling super chilled. At the end of the class I had the realisation that I need to forgive my ex to really be able to let go. I’ve been so upset and angry but being bitter only makes me feel negative. Even if him and his ex (prior to me) end up getting back together I need to be ok with it. When we were together and things were good I believe he really loved me and i’m sure he is sad that things didn’t work out. He hasn’t done anything to intentionally hurt me, he’s not a bad person, if his feelings changed he couldn’t help that and it’s better that he allows me to be with someone who really sees my full value. So really I could view what he has done as an act of kindness as he has done me a favour by setting me free and allowing me to find true love. So thank you Mr ex, I am forgiving you, wishing you all the happiness and love in the world, and letting you go. I will cherish our memories and the great times that we had, but that is all they are now, just good memories and that’s fine. :)

    #369104

    Mel

    I don’t think he wasn’t wanting to give you a relationship it was that he was testing you to see if you had really changed and when you pushed the subject, it showed to him that you haven’t, he was testing the waters and you failed. I don’t know if you can try again, but if he does give you another chance it is going to be a lot longer than three months before he fully gives in you are going to need to be prepared for that.

    #369107

    tt

    thanks Claire, its hard but maybe i do just need to find myself. to become the woman that he initially fell in love with… and find happiness on my own.

    i just wish that he’d never come back into my life until he was ready.

    #369110

    tt

    thanks for your input Mel. doesn’t feel good to think that i failed on something that i wanted so much. but i definitely see your point.

    i would like to reach out and talk about it with him, but the thought of rejection again kills me.

    #369111

    Claire

    If you broke things off on Monday i’d leave it as it is now – I think if you go back to him trying to fix it all again after calling it quits then it shows that you’re inconsistent and his head is going to be in a spin. Just let the dust settle a bit. If you’re right for each other you’ll find a way. Just have a bit of breathing and thinking space to be sure about what you want to do.

    In your gut do you think going back in and trying to sort things out now is going to change anything? Only you know him and what’s best – but you need to be honest with yourself. I don’t think you would have broke it off in the first place if you didn’t need some time, so allow yourself to have it. If he loves you then he won’t be going anywhere in a hurry so I wouldn’t feel that the clock is ticking. Time is a great healer. Maybe it’s just what you need.

    #369112

    Mel

    You need to give him some time, leave him be for a bit let him think on it for awhile, if he really wants to try again he will contact you, however you are going to need to take it at his speed.

    This may sound a bit wacky but what is his sign?

    #369114

    tt

    I agree with you both. i just need to let it be, if i contact him now he will definitely be overwhelmed and confused.

    you made me think of things in a different way, maybe this was a test. a test to see if i’ve changed. i dont know, but sometimes i get mixed signals and it just makes be burst and all of my feelings come out. which guys probably dont care for. lol

    and if its meant to be, it will be. thats what i just tell myself (or fool myself).

    he’s a cancer and i’m an aries…. i dont know anything about signs, so any input would help :)

    #369116

    Imena

    Hello guys!
    I just wanted to share my story. This is the first time for me to write her about my difficult situation I was in. This guy was my childhood friend and we grew up together and were really close, but life plays tricks on you and he had to move to another state. Years went by and we lost touch. Then I see him after some years and not much happened, but after that I see him two years ago and I had that “click”. It just happened. I was in a relationship at that time and so was he so nothing happened , just showing appreciation and affection to each other. Then, he comes back this summer. We got so close. I broke up from my ex some months before meeting him, whereas he was still with her even though their relationship was shaky, at least that’s what he told em and I bought it. Anyway, we got closer and closer and we even kissed several time, acting like a couple. This was so stupid of me so no need for you to tell me how stupid that was cause I figured it out myself the hardest way.Anyway, he made promises and made it so possible for me to believe that it was me whom he wanted to be with. Well, he left again and we kept in touch. He texted me every day, all day long but I didn’t feel good knowing that he was still with her and not taking any decision so I told him that I cannot do this anymore cause it’s hurting me and that you are so indecisive. He insisted and insisted and then told me that let’s be friends for right now cause he doesn’t want to put me in a difficult situation. Well, you know. It’s hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for. It’s been awhile since that happened but he still texts me once in awhile and for some reasons calls me “babe”. I don’t think this is the right thing to do even for the girl he has there and for treating me as an options or as poorly, promising me so much and than going back to what he was used to, his relationship. I am trying to move on, trying to keep busy but there are days when I go crazy, especially when he texts me being super kind and super sweet with no reasons cause he doesn’t text that often. Anyway, this is a shitty situation and I know that the best thing to do is to let it go, let him go and move on, no replies to his texts , just nothing. Help , please, I am really confused!!

    #369117

    Mel

    Ok Cancers are very emotional, and they do not like to have their emotions on things invalidated, he is going to need time and he has to decide if this is something he wants, if he is feeling like you don’t appreciate what he was able to do he could be gone for good, Cancers truly love with everything they have, but if they feel like someone is not appreciating them they will walk.

    Aries is a fire sign they are very headstrong people. Cancers are water signs usually fire and water don’t mix. but here is a little look for you :
    When Aries and Cancer come together in a love affair, it’s a case of opposites attracting. Aries is rash and brash while Cancer is sensitive and emotional. Aries can certainly be emotional — in a fiery, impetuous way that can completely overwhelm Cancer. Even though Cancer usually likes to take time with relationships, Aries’s whirlwind approach can be extremely stimulating. Aries, on the other hand, may find the Cancerian sensitivity appealing; it’s a good balance for the typical Aries bluntness. Troubles may arise if Cancer’s mood swings or Aries’s aggression becomes hurtful. Both Signs must take time to listen to their partner’s needs and understand that they’re coming from different directions to meet a common goal.

    Cancer is the Sign of Home while Aries is the Sign of Self. One great dynamic between these two is that both Signs are extremely protective of those they love. Cancer uses that Crab shell to draw around themselves and their family and mate when trouble is near, while the Ram uses their strength and bravery, like a knight in shining armor. Cancer also provides Aries with a happy domestic life and emotional security. Sometimes they might build an idealized image of their Aries partner or be overly possessive, which can really grate on independent Aries. However, Aries can help by reassuring their Cancer partner that they are loved and cherished. Aries really needs to learn to listen to Cancer: the Crab operates on an instinctive level and their advice can help Aries avoid making silly mistakes caused by that typical Aries lack of planning.

    Aries is ruled by the Planet Mars and Cancer is ruled by the emotional Moon. Mars was the God of War, and Aries is a soldier meeting every challenge head-on. Aries’s open, passionate nature appeals to Cancer, who often internalizes emotions and feelings. Cancer can have intense, feminine energy and Aries can help them learn to release it. The Moon controls tides of the Earth, quietly affecting all life; similarly, Cancer works behind the scenes (while Aries rushes into battle). Cancer tends to be sentimental and can teach Aries to slow down and appreciate life instead of always rushing on to the next thing.

    Aries is a Fire Sign and Cancer is a Water Sign. These two elements can be a great combination if they work together, using both emotion and action to get things done. Cancer can help Aries slow down and learn to be gentle, while Aries teaches Cancer to come out of their shells. But Cancer can be emotionally manipulative — sometimes there’s just too much Water dampening Aries’s enthusiasm. Conversely, too much Fire can cause Water to evaporate, leaving Cancer emotionally raw. Aries and Cancer must talk openly and freely to ensure their balance is maintained.

    Aries and Cancer are both Cardinal Signs. Both Signs are initiators, but they have to learn to cooperate. On the surface, Aries is the leader, always rushing out to meet a challenge, but Cancer is also indirectly in charge through emotional control and the ability to weigh the situation. Cancer tends to compromise more easily while Aries can be unwilling to yield, so the Crab may have to accept giving in.

    What’s the best aspect of the Aries-Cancer relationship? Once they realize they’re on the same team, the combination of Fire and Water works well together. Aries is out there getting attention and Cancer is quietly supporting the back end. Each partner’s ability to provide what the other is lacking makes theirs an equal relationship.

    Now I am not saying that zodiac is a cure all but I do believe that it does affect our personalities some. I am personally a Virgo and I truly am that 100% my guy is a Cancer and he is 100% that too. I hope it helps you at least a little.

    #369120

    tt

    thanks Mel, that does sound like us.

    again, i will just things be and if he has decided that he doesnt want to give it another shot..then i will be forced to move on.

    Imena, he’s a cheater. would you want someone that does that behind your back? It also seems like he’s trying to see who he wants and doesnt want to break up with the gf yet but knows that you’ll probably still be around. i definitely say move on. you dont want to be the other girl.

    #369129

    Imena

    @ tt Thank you girl. Yea, I guess you are right. I have already taken that decision seeing him like that, not deciding about anything. Moving on is the best answer for my situation and I am trying to take small steps towards it. It felt so hard at first, I suffered from eating disorders, not socializing,but now I am better. I am doing things I enjoy and I am doing my best to move on. It will take time since it really took a toll on me but I know I got to have some self-respect knowing that I deserve better and forgive myself for allowing getting caught up by emotions. Thank you tt ! I really really appreciate that :)

    #369131

    Tt

    so…. He text me a few minutes ago saying “I hope you don’t hate me.”

    thoughts anyone?? I don’t know how to respond to that or if he’s just trying to see if I’m
    Okay with what happened.

    Of course I don’t hate him. ugh.

    #369132

    Tt

    Imena, imagine if some guy was doing that to your sister or daughter? He’s a flat our cheater and wanting to see what he can get away with. Break the cycle!

    #369145

    Harley

    Tt. .of course reply. Say you don’t hate him but that you have thought a lot lately and realise that you have some work yo do on improving yourself .

    Leave the text at that . See if he replies. Keep texts short. ..do not pour out your feelings to him .

    Ask if you can meet up as you’d like to see how he us doing???..you do not want to start texting all the time. If he arranges to meet. ..do a day time date… less chance of sex and free es him up to spend evening with the guys you can tell him…He will love you for that

    #369146

    Harley

    I gotta sleep. Back in 7 hrs or less

    #369149

    Tt

    Thanks Hackey, I have yet to reply. My girlfriends tell me that I shouldn’t respond and should ignore him. That’s the only way he will ever feel like he’s losing you. Ughh just confused!! both sides makes sense, I just don’t know.

    #369173

    Harley

    Do….what makes you feel right. You can wait a few days to reply if you wish. See if he steps up the pace in between.you need to establish foes he want a relationship….is is he just keeping you on a string

    #369174

    Harley

    Foes. .does and is is.. or is

    #369189

    Tt

    Of course I want to respond and open up dialogue with him. However, I don’t want to be in the same position a few months from now. but I do realize that I’ve made some mistakes during this “dating period” and would want to try it again. I’m just nervous that he won’t want to try it again and I’ll get rejected again.

    On the other hand me not responding will make it clear that I don’t want anything anymore (I was the one that initiated to end things anyway)… or if what my friends say is true, he will start to chase me and not want to lose me.

    All this thinking and rationalizing about a text is silly, but that’s what girls do I guess.

    #369194

    Harley

    My post got ate. Fuck it !

    You s p e l l e d it out yourself. …risk it. All of life is a gamble. I face rejection myself in 2 weeks when I fly to visit friends and hope a guy I want will meet me and want me again. But…I will risk it. He is well worth the risk.

    #369196

    Imena

    @ tt I think you are right about about your situation. I am like that, too. I do analyze and over-analyze texts and all that and I guess you are right. This is something most of the girls do, even though it’s silly :) But I think you should do what you feel is best for you, but I think Harley is right, you just keep the texts short and do not pour yourself completely, and I guess she is right when she says that you do not hate him but you got some work you need to do on improving yourself and leave the text to that.

    Yea, as for my situation yea I know that what he is doing is so stupid. That’s why I told him that I cannot do it anymore cause I don’t wanna be the other one and that I deserve much more than this, and I also told him that what you’re doing to her and to me at the same time is not right and it’s not fair, so I pulled away. He told me that we be friends for right now, but I guess he was just being nice by saying that cause he is so confusing. It’s been a week since he last text but it’s okay since I want to move on. I just do not really understand his attitude of acting this way, wanting and not wanting at the same time. Anyway, what he did to her it’s not fair either. One thing I know though that if we ever see each other again, I know some feelings will be there cause we had so much in common and the way we see the world is almost the same, but I know I deserve better than being the other one, or treated as poorly as just an option. I need an exclusive relationship, not some kind of this sort. Anyway, thank you for your advise. It helps and I really do appreciate that ! :) I know I will get over this so I can meet the right one someday and I just like you have some work to do on myself since this kinds affected my self-esteem a little bit, asking myself what was wrong with me that he didn’t chose to be with me. Anyway, maybe it was better this way, so I can meet Mr. Right someday :)

    #369197

    Harley

    IMeana….he’s just trying to keep you on a string with the hot and cold behaviour. …cut his sorry ass loose

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