Feeling very scared


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This topic contains 169 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  SthrnBelle 5 years, 12 months ago.

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  • #462337 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    I told you Jessica, I looked on chabad too. Last night he could have called, he did not. He had promised to call on Sunday, which he failed to do. This is really too much because under normal circumstances still ok of course but if someone plays with me like this and forgets about me before a major holiday that is either playing games or trying to show me that I am not important enough. I am sure he did not forget family. So how do you think this feels to me? What his reasons were I do not know but what feels the worst is that he KNEW he would hurt me and yet he did it. If you can only count on a person this much, then I think this is not the right partner for me because he is completely unreliable and because he puts me through a range of very negative emotions and the positive effect he had on me are gone because now he has a very negative effect on me.

    Until now he has proven mostly the opposite and not sure what happened. Maybe he stopped loving me, maybe this LDR thing is not a good thing, we all knew that it may not be. Maybe it is not completely irrepairable but question is whether it is worth repairing something if I still cannot count on him in the future, this certainly does not look like commitment to me. At the moment I am so upset that I do not want to talk and making me feel this way is not good, as you said love is patient, understanding and positive, it should be at least. And from now on I will always expect this behavior from him because he has proven to me that he will do this for no apparent reason and nothing I have done.

    Love should not be a power struggle true, I so agree and reading what you wrote was beautiful. But what we read on this forum and reality I hear from women’s real life experiences is that usually love IS a power struggle, everything is about playing games if we want to call it that, you finally give in like I did, I opened up, I trusted, which is not easy to achieve, I told him once that I loved him and boom he had me he thought so why the need to take things a step further? No need as I am in a good place. Apparently he has no desire to be with me. Not afraid that I will go my separate ways.

    At this moment I feel that I cannot forgive what he has done, it may change as I know myself but knowing that he knew exactly what he was doing yet he still did it hurts like hell as I never gave reason for him to hurt me. Once that starts it is toxic. I go from anger to just wanting to cry. He may have thought that I would forgive this too that I was there no matter what or for whatever reason he thought of me whereever he is today and thought I was interesting enough to at least maintain me as sex fling every two months or so.

    We really did not start out like this. This started out as something serious. He may have lied to me but he was so proud of me and so happy and excited.

    Yes, he could have called last night. After sunset it was ok for him to call I told you. Maybe he observes it differently but apparently not because he is texting and driving today.

    I am not sure what else to say. If I do eventually talk to him, I cannot let this go. I would rather not answer and let him explain if he wants to. If he does not apologize then I am not answering. If he gives up trying to contact me after one text, that is ok with me too. I do think that eventually he will have to try to talk to me as we have unfinished business in other regards.And I want to hear his real reasons not excuses because I am not continuing like this getting hurt on a weekly basis on average.

    Your story about your ex I am still reading it but listen you can talk about it more detailed too, yes it is a great distraction and I am always happy to read successful stories of love. I know with your ex you broke up but you were able to remain great friends. With your current boyfriend it is working right? But this boyfriend is obviously not your ex.

    Yes please post!

    It is not a bad thing that your post is long, how else can you tell the story?

    Yes I am reading your story and please finish it, I would appreciate it. Will write after I read it.

    And if you want to tell your story of your boyfriend now, of course I am all ears.

    We can break posts up. We can have posts on my story and posts on yours.:)))

    #462361 Reply

    Ashley

    I just read your update, big hugs

    I have the same reaction as you. I feel like Wow so he could have called but he doesn’t, instead says whatsup? I was concerned that maybe something happened but he just chose not to call you when he said he would & when he knew it was important to you – I would be feeling the same way. In my experience, when a man doesn’t contact you when he normally would & we get extremely upset about it, it is not us overreacting but it is our intuition telling us this what is happening which is why we feel so bad. I’d be insulted if a man I’m dating said “whatsupp?” to me in the first place because it shows he is acting like I am a friend.

    I have been feeling for some time that his performance as your partner is declining even when he is not doing anything that is so *wrong* per sec & now after this it is obvious. All of the terrible stress & making yourself sick over this, it is just so not worth your time in any way shape or form.

    It seems he may be conditioning you to receive less? I find the fact he did not call you before this holiday just inexcusable & indicative of the bigger picture. I think the man out there for you is NOT him.

    #462420 Reply

    Jessica

    Belle, I think that if this relationship is upsetting you overall, then you should walk away. And if he continues to give you less and less then you probably are heading in that direction. However, I also think that you should hear him out after you tell him that him not calling you made you feel like he doesn’t value you. If he is truly fading out, then I agree, you will be better off ending it. However, there is the possibility that he’s thinking that you two are seeing each other in two weeks for a great weekend, and so he will focus on you then and, in the meantime, his life is hectic so he’s focusing on all the stuff in front of him at the moment. Men often compartmentalize and cannot multi-task. I am not trying to make excuses for him or say that it’s considerate behavior – it’s just that you haven’t even talked to him to get a sense of what he’s feeling. You are making up all of these scenarios in your head and you may end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just trying to warn you to try and listen and understand before you overreact and blame him.

    If its not meant to be and you end it after considering all the facts and your feelings, then you are 100% right to do that – I think you are a smart cookie. I am too, but I know that I have created scenarios in my head before. I also know that I have good intuition – and I’ve felt things that made me key into a potential issue before it came to a head – and that maybe what’s going on here. The problem with intuition is that it’s not 100% always right and, usually it simply helps you be aware so that you notice concrete evidence of something wrong. But also, sometimes, by accusing without knowing for sure, you can CREATE a problem where there wasn’t one in the first place. That’s why simply observing is always the first step, and then keenly listening to what someone is telling you. Only if you don’t get the picture then, should you ask questions.

    Right now you are upset and you are far away from him, so obviously you aren’t going to be able to just observe – you can listen though – and if he doesn’t tell you what you need to hear to clarify things in your mind, you should absolutely ask and talk to him about how you are feeling. I would recommend going to the gym and having a crazy sweat-it-out workout beforehand so that you are as relaxed as humanly possible.

    #462448 Reply

    Jessica

    Belle, you asked so I will post a little more about my ex and I – this time about our second chance, twelve years after we broke up the first time after college.

    After we broke up, and after the second time I turned him down, he called me one last time. I felt horrible because I could hear in his voice his pain. I had it too, but I just didn’t know what else to do. After that, we had no contact whatsoever. I got married had two children and had a good career. My marriage wasn’t perfect, the main reason being that I married the wrong man – he was a good person, great father, and we were both good at parenting together, but romantically and intellectually, I was not happy and I felt like I would never be. So divorce was initiated. Around that time, I got an email from my ex, jokingly asking about legal services. He had found me online finally, after looking for me for years and not finding anything. My new job had posted my profile and he found it. He said he was looking for me only so he could look in on my life and make sure I was happy.

    Anyway, we started emailing and talking. This went on for a few months. I printed out and saved all of our emails to each other from that time because they are pretty amazing. He told me that after we broke up, he had worked to build his business up into a big company – he told me he did this for me, in case we got back together, he wanted to be ready. Very Great Gatsby. Only then he heard from a friend of mine that I was getting married. Then he hit bottom and picked himself up. He apparently married the first girl he dated after that. Unfortunately, he married a girl that I am pretty sure wanted him for his money and the lifestyle he could give her. They ultimately got divorced because she refused to make sure there was a salad ready for him in the fridge when he got home from work late (which happened often) – mind you they had a housekeeper, so all she had to do was make sure the housekeeper made it. But she refused, and this was one of many issues, so the salad was the ‘straw’ so to speak. (Do you see the point of my previous post about power struggles? His ex was engaging in one with him – rather than appreciate his hard work when she was sitting at home all day and caring that he would be hungry when he got home, she had the attitude of, you can’t tell me what to do, like he owed her all this and she didn’t need to contribute anything). Anyway, he was also getting divorced.

    We finally decided to meet in NYC because, unbelievably, he and I would be there at the exact same time for business (different) later that month. I was at a conference and afterwards, we were going to meet, he was going to pick me up at my hotel. At the agreed upon time, I got a text that said, go down to the lobby and go out of the hotel and make a left. Walk down the street slowly and don’t look back. So I do this until I am about to get to 6th and suddenly feel hands over my eyes from behind. I turn around and its him. I felt like we had just seen each other yesterday. All of my feelings came flooding back. He looked a little different, but mostly the same. I looked pretty much the same as when he had last seen me too. He and I still had the same chemistry as before and amazing communication. We went out for most of the night all around Manhattan. He had his cousin with him from Israel who joined us at some point – and the two of them together were a riot. I hated to say goodbye but I wasn’t sad. He was going next to Vegas and he called me from there and we ended up talking for 8 hours straight.

    Eventually, I went out to see him again and we started an LDR that lasted for almost four years. We would travel all over together, meeting at many amazing places, and sometimes we would just visit each other at home. We had amazing times. There was no issue about religion. In fact, we hung out a lot with his family, I was there a lot for Friday night dinners and some holidays. When he and I got back together, he finally forgave his mother and let go of all the anger that he’d had toward her all those years. All was good. But then, during the recession, his business took a huge hit. He had been paying for all of our flights and trips – and the financial aspect of this became more difficult. He was always a very generous person, so this was not an excuse on his part. However, he was also miserable – even though it had nothing to do with me. His business was struggling and so was he to keep everything together – having differences with his father in the business, trying to juggle his kids and work and dealing with his ex. Even though I was his haven, he felt bad that he could no longer fly me out to see him very often. His sisters told me he looked so unhealthy and they were worried about him. I obviously was supportive, but it was difficult to be there for someone when you can’t really be there. Also, he began pushing me away because he felt like he was going to make me miserable. His words were: the ship is going down and I don’t want to take you with it – I want to put you on a life boat. He wanted to give me a chance at happiness. We were at the point of naturally getting married, but getting married under those circumstances was impossible. He wanted me to possibly find someone who could give me everything I needed, who could be there for me and give me attention. I, of course, was furious with him for this! I said, I want to be there in good times and bad – you don’t know what you are saying and you are going to wake up in two months and wish I was there. He said he knew that but also knew this was the right thing to do for me. I still didn’t want to give up on us and was heartbroken. To top it off, my birthday was that week. He was in Germany for business. He sent me two dozen roses with a card that said “I will always love you.” He called me to wish me happy birthday and during the call, at first he was very cold but then as we talked he started crying. He told me that he had been in a very dark place, was working non-stop and missed me but knew this was the right thing for me. He was just cutting himself off emotionally – in every part of his life – because he was just overwhelmed and needed to be able to just get through everything without feeling all the anxiety and stress. Trust me, I had added a little of stress but barely anything – this was more him wanting to protect me. Even so, at the time, I was so hurt and angry with him that I didn’t see it. Two months later, we talked and he told me how much he still loved me and missed me, but that he wanted me to be happy and knew that it could not be with him in his state. A month later we FaceTimed at my request because I wanted him to see my face when I told him that I was going to start dating. He told me how beautiful I was and that it pained him but he knew that dating was the next step toward any possible happiness for me.

    It was summer time…and so, realizing that he was a brick wall, I decided I had to start dating. Sitting by my girlfriend’s pool,I read an article where a girl goes on four blind dates – meeting each one differently – the one that panned out best for her was surprisingly the guy she met on Tinder. I honestly had never heard of it, so I checked it out and right there downloaded the app and started swiping. It was really more of a joke than anything. I liked a bunch of guys, not knowing how the whole thing worked. One of the guys was really cute and I remember my girlfriend going yes! I said, are you sure, he looks Israeli? She’s like: yes, and she clicked like for me. He liked me right away too and called me that night and asked me out. We met for dinner a couple of nights later and I walked in thinking this man is gorgeous, but no one could ever live up to the love I had with my ex. We had a great discussion during dinner and after he asked if I wanted to continue our date, he didn’t want it to end yet, so we went to a nearby casino and nightclub and walked around and talked. He asked me a million questions about myself (some of them were really blunt) – and I asked him a lot too. I told him that I was not interested in any sort of hook ups – that I was looking to get remarried someday and wanted to find a man that I could be truly happy with. I told him that I would never settle for anything but true love. He told me that he wanted to get married too and would love to have kids.

    So this was two years ago, and that man is now my current BF. We’ve had ups and downs due to cultural issues, or worries about potential issues if and when we ever got married (he and I are actually very compatible in most ways). I won’t go into this relationship now since this post is another very long one. We were great in the beginning, then had a lot of ups and downs, and now again we are very good – though there is the possibility this could all go down in flames due to his parents arriving soon. If you want to hear more about that, I’d be happy to elaborate – but I don’t want to bore anyone!!

    #462449 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    Hi Girls,

    Today was a really stressful day so I will respond to your story Jessica soon and please do finish it.

    Listen, I think both you Jessica and Ashley have truth. This guy obviously does not know how to treat a woman, there is a reason his ex walked away. He is a good man somewhere I am sure of it but I do feel he signalled me that I was not important.

    Honestly he may not feel this way in his head but how much of a priority are you to someone if he cannot get his fingers to type up a message? I am sure he did wish his family happy holidays and this was very unusual behavior from him. If he wavers back and forth then that will put me through a rollercoaster.

    At this point since we have talked about this and he still did this and BTW he had never ever forgotten about wishing me happy holidays and calling me or messaging me for three days, I also feel it is inexcusable.

    I deserve and expect respect and at this point at the very least he owes me an apology and I feel that I am not giving in. He has broken something in me and I am very stubborn and see the signs, once I see them, forget about me.

    Of course now that I did not respond, almost instantly he sent me another text about his day. This second message was already nicer and he told me he will call tonight. At this point I do not wish to talk.

    I do not feel I owe him anything or am obligated to talk to him. After all I do not exist for three days and now that he messaged I should have responded right away just because HE decided that he wants to talk to me?

    Likely he wants his sex during the trip. As far as I am concerned at this point he can get it from whomever he wants to but me. Oh and sorry that he did not like anyone else for the last ten years then perhaps it would have been a good idea to respect me.

    As soon as I was there and obviously his, he forgot that respect existed. I feel that I am never going to really open up but then if someone takes advantage of that how can you even enjoy yourself? I can be relaxed and easygoing but we went further than that stage.

    If he gets offended about my not responding, that is fine as well. Then he can think about how I must have felt if he gets offended about no answer for less than a day.

    #462450 Reply

    Khadija

    SthrnBelle,
    It sounds to me that this relationship is unraveling.
    I truly am sorry to hear all this is happening.
    In all honestly I think you need to take some steps back from this man.
    It’s time to really focus on you and stop harboring so much pain, stress, and sadness over this.
    You cannot go on like this and it’s not healthy for your well being.

    #462456 Reply

    Lady T

    I agree with what Jessica said about not jumping to conclusions and that you should consider hearing him out. You’re totally fired up right now and I think you should really consider what and how you will feel about the possible outcome of you going off on him.

    I also agree with what Khdaija just wrote. This just doesn’t sound like a happy situation for you at all. Hugs and take care. xo

    #462457 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    Wow, Jess what a story! I loved it, it is was so bittersweet though, you WERE meant to be together but you see sometimes our choices interfere with fate, God, whatever we want to call it.

    I had a relationship like this which I told on this forum before, it was my first love. He was Jewish too, his family loved me but I made a stupid mistake because I was very angry at him for leaving for the summer and he had not wanted to go that I cheated on him and of course right in front of his sister. I was not proud of this at all and he tried to forgive me but I was a very very strong, powerful and stubborn girl and I created stupid fights. Sex was awesome of course. Even though he was in love with me he broke up with me because honestly I know how intense I was back then, I toned down a lot since. It was the cheating too and that his family turned against me.

    Of course I chased him for a month or so, not regularly but I tried every two weeks of so and I remember how stupid I was, one time I walked across the entire capital at night to see him only to miss him, this was like a two hour walk. Lol the youth.

    So I gave up and started dating another guy. So my love appeared and at this time, I thought I was over him and even though he tried everything I did not give in. Then I flew to California to have a vacation and both guys were at the airport, my ex the one that was my love came unexpectedly and there was a huge scene with current BF slapping me. I was doing nothing wrong.

    While in CA I kicked out current BF and met a third guy, that was how I ended up in CA for nine years. It later turned out that my first love waited years for me to come home. We got in touch in our thirties. We almost started dating again but as luck would have it he had just fallen for another girl a few months before we met again.

    It was really hard and he said that he would feel the same about me even in twenty years but we decided against starting again even though both his family and his friends really wanted him to break up with the girl and date me. We lost contact and now he has a beautiful child with the girl.

    I have no hard feelings against me, it was my decision to not stay in touch. I sometimes feel sorry about it because we were so great together even as friends but you know I knew that would not work as the chemistry was the same 13 years after the first time.

    The funny thing about self fulfilling prophecies, I have had many in my life, was that him and I always said we would meet again in 13 years and we ended up doing just that and it had to be fate or someone above. I have the best feelings about this guy and I still to this day think he was my best partner. Of course the first. No hard feelings ever and no resentment. I am happy that he is happy (I hope). I do not think I had such heavy feelings left for him in my thirties but I will always think of him with a smile.

    Now your turn Jess.:)))

    #462460 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    Khadija, thanks, that is what I am doing now. For my own good. I completely agree with you.

    Lady T, actually I am very calm now compared to those three days but I know it will go back and forth. Who knows maybe I will hear him out but I am afraid to talk if he will just start like nothing has happened. I do not think so.

    I am calm because I am not talking to him because I let him go somewhere and because I feel in peace at the moment. I can still decide to answer if I want. The reason I did not want to talk on the phone was because I did not want to start a discussion about this.

    There is absolutely no way I would blow up, I do not I know myself but I also prefer to think things over before I respond if I am upset inside.

    #462504 Reply

    Jessica

    Yeah, he always said that he felt like G-d was angry with him because we were meant to be together and he had messed it up – like he had messed with the universe. He had always been angry during our time apart, and then when we got back together, he was happy again. Everyone commented about it – he was his happy self again. So the whole thing is bittersweet, but not when we got back together, it was bliss then. Even now, I am not sad about us not being together – I feel like we are still connected very strongly – we really are like family. When we first started speaking again he told me: do you know that I always knew that your name would be the last thing I said before I die. Even if he and I hadn’t spoken again, he loved me so much still that he would say my name with his dying breath. I can’t even describe how I felt when he told me that. I know it’s still true.

    The more you tell me, the more we have in common. I was in CA too for 8 years. When were you there? I was there in the 90s. So funny!

    About your ex BF – its good that he’s happy and you are over him, but I know how you feel. I also hope you see the history of reacting to things that you don’t like or disappoint you with self-destructive, or at least relationship destructive, behavior. He hurt you by going away for the summer, so you hurt him back and, in doing so, you hurt yourself. I am sure you see this and have realized this before today – but its always good to see the things that we do.

    I’m not surprised that your BF texted you again. I believe he doesn’t realize he did anything wrong, or at least to the extent that you are upset. He’s trying to get your attention. But I know you don’t trust him and think that he did this intentionally or thoughtlessly because he doesn’t care for or respect you as much as he said. React however you feel you have to, and you don’t need to talk if you don’t feel like it. I would not respond right away, especially if I was upset and needed to collect my thoughts and calm down. However, you are also prolonging your anguish about this and I think that the quicker you resolve your feelings the better. This anxiety is not good for your health. I would wait until he blows up your phone – and then he will obviously understand that something is wrong – when you finally answer/respond, let him know that you felt hurt when you didn’t get a call before the holiday and didn’t feel valued and you needed to think and collect your thoughts. Just tell him how feel, not necessarily what he did wrong. And then listen to what he has to say.

    #462558 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    Jessica, as always you are so right.

    We did talk finally. I did not respond when he first called. I picked up an hour later. I felt that it was boiling in me and everyone was right, it was a lot more than that one Sunday.

    It was a very very heavy conversation and the one thing I have always loved about him is that I never had such deep conversations and connection with anyone before. It is in everything. I open up fully and it scares me to death. He opens up and it scares him to death. We have baggage yet we have this effect on each other.

    I remember the first time we sat in his hotel room for hours, this was after a year and a half when we finally met, he was scared to move close to me for hours until I said I did not bite and this was funny because we were in the teeniest tiniest room and talking about our trip the next day. We talked and talked for hours and I finally touched and held his hand. It was like something came lose that had been inside for a long time and we hugged each other for hours, we forgot to eat the whole day and no we did not have sex but all night it was something visceral, something so internally touching that I had never felt in my life.

    Even sexually I had amazing sex in my life before but I never experienced what I experienced with him. We trust very difficult and we became so open with each other. I think scared the both of us and he said sorry he thought he sent a message at least and he had a funeral that day and a fight all day with his son and I apologized too because during our last conversation ten days ago I said things that I think deeply hurt him and I told him that I was unfair.

    I have to realize that real love is patient and forgiving. I do not question his intentions but he is scared. He said he did not want to lose me and he wants us to be together forever. I know he means this. He just sees reality and I am not sure if he means religion, he will explain in person. To me it sounded like he wants to keep seeing if he can live with me. He is scared of making that commitment so fast because of his divorce and I agree. I tried to explain that I am not pushing and he said he felt the pressure and I explained what things were hard to me and how he can make it easier.

    The last few days have been really hard for him too. He said he almost felt I was with him the whole time like after I left and that this has been a really hard period for us and he sees this reality and distanced himself because he felt that this was not making me happy and he could not do anything about it. Somewhere I know this too.

    I told him not to punish me for opening up. He said it is not that, it is just that he wants to get to know me and let me open up and obviously when I accused him of playing games which I did not really I only said I did not want anyone playing games with me and that I did not want anyone to control me now I explained how I felt he never controlled me at all about religion either. I tried to give him positive examples of things he did for me that made me feel wonderful.

    I remember one day in London we were at the synagogue and I ran away, I mean literally. I did not take a bag and I got sick, I needed my stomach medicines. I ran back to the hotel which I almost could not find and then sat there scared to death what he will say. He came back almost running all worried if I got sick and hugged me. Then that was a sign that made me understand that this man really loved me.

    I just said that these last two weeks something happened that changed. I think what changed was that he felt he was unable to make me happy and he saw that reality. I told him but you can make me feel better and more patient if you try to do the little things you did before and gave examples. I think we both had to step back and see what truly matters.

    I do not think I ever heard something as beautiful as what your ex said to you. Wow. I am heartbroken now thinking of you two. But why did you two eventually split then? It was bliss and you were meant to be and he did want to marry you in the end.

    Next up maybe sometime your story about your current BF.:)))

    My story we shall see. He had a very difficult time to open up and at one point I could hear he was partially crying. He never has before. He tried to hold it back. I could tell he was scared to death too that I would not want him. Then why am I scared the whole time? We both get ourselves into this when we are two people that are so meant to be yet we fear losing each other.

    Even when we do not message, he talked to his friends about me and did not dare to call last night because he was not sure until when I observe since I am in Europe, so he only sent messages today since he already could.

    Wow, very long post again, we write novels anymore. BTW, I lived in CA from 96 until 2005.

    #462560 Reply

    Ashley

    I am glad you talked! :) so all is well, he is just scared & feeling pressure? I hope I understood right

    #462562 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    Oh and one last thing, he asked me when was the last time you called me? I said hmm never.:))) True, so sometimes this game playing thing is not so good when the other person would like encouragement too. I literally have never ever called him in five months. I am stubborn as hell when it comes to the rules.

    I said I did not want to bother him with calls when he is working and he said he is not always working. How can I change this in me and be able to call a man?

    I said I sometimes sent an email but you did not respond and of course then I pulled back.

    I just hope that he can really be ok and not start distancing even more feeling pushed away or feeling that he is not making me happy. I tried to laugh it off at the end.

    I think I am not an easy person either, I know it, when people say it on here I am all over the place, well, I am a very complex person for sure and yes I will always be a very difficult person because my life has been everything but average. I have to accept that fact. I still try very hard to learn and change to the better, I try my best and my intentions are good.

    People say do not date when you are going through a hard time but my whole life has been very difficult yet what a ride it has been. Many people have told me to write a book about my life. Maybe one day I will. It is certainly far from the ordinary.

    Speaking of self fulfilling prophecies, I wrote a short novel about California when I was ten and ended up living there. The last year or two I have dreamt of living in Israel and I finally got there. Is it a gut feeling or is it when we really want something it does happen?

    #462563 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    Ashley, that is what it sounded like to me that he is scared to even talk about things on the phone because he is scared that I will run away? That is the feeling I got. He is scared that he cannot make me happy only meeting this rarely and the problem is he wants to give it time to move together which I truly understand but of course we both see that we cannot see how things develop if we cannot spend time together.

    Sorry if I was confusing, I am very tired, it is really late here and I had a very difficult day, getting up in five hours and still have things to do.

    #462565 Reply

    Ashley

    I feel maybe he wants you to show more interest because of the fact he mentioned you never call him, & also how you say you feel he is scared you’ll run away which is the opposite of how you are because when he is not in touch you feel absolutely terrible yet he thinks you’d run away meanwhile you want more closeness.

    I just wonder how much longer this situation is sustainable. If you were the type of person who does not need to spend much time to be happy it would be fine but you want commitment, yet he wants to wait for that, so it just seems like it is not so realistic & sustainable in my opinion..

    I don’t know at times he sounds great & at times this situation does not feel the best or the most realistic, it’s hard for me to say but I suppose what truly counts is when you see him in a couple weeks

    #462570 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    Which is exactly what he is feeling too; he is completely torn; he does not want to lose me and it seems that he genuinely loves me but yet he sees the reality now which was not apparent in the beginning, he cannot see me always every two-three weeks which was in the beginning, this has become two months and we both agreed we never would have had problems had this two month distance not happened. But it did and he is not ready to jump into a commitment and I am at a turning point having to see which direction to move in, I think if it goes downhill, he will be just as devastated as me. I do think he is constantly struggling with feelings versus reality. Question is whether love conquers all what we believe in and in this equation there are two people. Maybe he does want me to reach out more yet I am afraid to get hurt or rejected and so is he. Time will tell is all I can say.

    #462573 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    One more story for tonight and then I stop, those uninterested do not have to read it; he said that I went to Tel Aviv today and I have been there at least a million times in my life, with my friends, parents, with my ex wife and yet out of all those times what I remembered was the time I spent there with you. This was where he almost started crying.

    #462576 Reply

    Jessica

    Belle, I am so glad that you finally talked to him. I just knew this man was not intending to drop you – he’s just frazzled. It sounds like you had a meaningful conversation about how you feel and the issues and possible fixes for your need for connection and his need for your patience.

    Now you can take a deep breath and think about the relationship, not whether he’s wanting it, but whether BOTH of you can make it work. I think this man loves you and doesn’t want to lose you. It seems wants to commit but is scared that he can make you happy – when you have gotten upset at him for his mistakes in the past, it may have made him think that he will always disappoint him. Try and be softer with him. I know if goes against a lot of advice on here about boundaries, but when someone loves you, this is truly the thing that will make you closer. If you truly believe he loves you, internalize that, and when he does something that irritates or disappoints you, try and remember it and give him the benefit of the doubt. If he knows you are forgiving, he will try even harder to make you happy. Now that you know how he feels and that he didn’t intentionally not contact you, go back and re-read my advice. Be confident in yourself that he wants to be with you….this will go a long way and prevent many overreactions on your part to his mistakes.

    I know you have a few things to work out. But it seems to me that you guys are much better off than you were a few days ago. I hope you feel better! Please keep us updated!! I have to go right now, but will post another part about my BF later.

    #462578 Reply

    Ashley

    is it possible for you to be content with not seeing him much for the time being? for example I am someone who doesn’t need to see people often – a lot of people want to be around their friends or significant other all the time but I actually love being alone & if I see someone seldom that is perfectly fine with me. However I do like to communicate a lot with texting but as for in person I wouldn’t want to see someone much or it gets old for me. is it possible you could see the fact you cannot see each other much in a different perspective & try to be happier just in general or happier with the telecommunication & more relaxed & ok with the fact it is long distance? just a thought that maybe if you saw things a different way or something it could help you feel better :)

    #462582 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    Jessica, me being the skeptic of course I am still saying time will tell, it seems we are both equally scared though. I told him about the email I wrote in which I apologized for being too harsh and unfair and he asked me why I never sent it? It could be that if I had sent it, it would have never happened what did the last few days. In fact I should give up being so stubborn and in fact just do what my gut feeling tells me to do sometimes. He did seem to relax at the end when I told him see this and that you did were really wonderful things, if you do that more things will go better, than he opened up and was able to tell me how I felt the last few days. I can only hope it is a good thing.

    I do think this site is great but I also think that sometimes we are a little too harsh, nothing is black and white in life. You can also chase away a guy by being too cold or too harsh and by no means am I cold, not at all but IRL I am not.

    Ashley, yeah I thought about the same thing but fact is that I am also an incredibly passionate person and I also do very badly without sex and it is really hard to manage me without intimacy. It was fine when we met every three weeks but anything going beyond a month is grueling hard. It may be that if we meet in October and it really happens then we will have to wait another 2.5 months till Xmas when I am supposed to go to Israel for almost two weeks. That will be tough afterwards.

    I need to figure out a way to positively encourage him but we are only human and surely I have my bad days due to daily two-three pieces of bad news lately or legal BS and he surely has his moments too.

    #462583 Reply

    Lady T

    Glad it sounds to be working out!! Good luck! xo

    #462586 Reply

    StillLearning

    Hi sthrnbelle, I just read through your thread. This guy really loves you. Hang in there, the both of you can make it work! :)

    #462614 Reply

    Jessica

    Belle, I agree nothing is black and white and everyone’s circumstances are different. Sometimes we don’t know the other person’s intentions, but sometimes we are pretty sure of them. In your case, I think your BFs intentions are very good, the issue is that he is being pulled in so many places. The other issue is the LDR. That is difficult in and of itself. You have to have lots of patience to get through his period. I really think you need to be soft with him and yourself. You can’t set ‘rules’ for this period, because you are bound be disappointed. All you need to know is his intentions – he’s going to probably make some mistakes, and so may you, but you guys will figure things out.

    As for me, my BFs parents may be coming THIS Saturday!! I thought I had a little more time to get ready for this. While they are here, he will nee to stay at his new place (he doesn’t even have all his furniture there yet) with them. He will not be able to stay at my house. This is going to be very difficult. Add to that, he’s going to introduce me to them, I am starting to stress. The don’t speak english – I am a good communicator but this is going to be challenging. I hope the next month is a time of happiness rather than irritation or heartache. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with him not being here during this period.

    #462632 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    Hi Lady T thanks! StillLearning also big thank you, wow you were able to read through this string of novels we created? Mostly me but Jessica is also adding really interesting parts. Well, hers being maybe more collected than mine I must admit.:)))

    This has become almost like a diary of an LTD, spiced up with some other factors. Of course you will have not very collected pieces from me when I am struggling, emotions can run high and then my writing is obviously not the greatest.

    Well, of course Jessica everything that I was taught on this forum tells me that if I have an open, honest conversation, then I can expect punishment and yes that was the case last time. But I also had to learn that it is not just games, it is not really that he has me where he wants to have me but that I have made my share of mistakes such as coming across too pushy. I would not say needy necesssarily but I learnt that a man feels inadequate when you start nagging them because they feel they cannot make you happy, I did not know this, I thought they would want to improve themselves and the relationship. Sure, to a certain point yes but one has to be really careful with criticism.

    I have to add that I have not criticized a lot, during the two months of being away I think we talked a few times about problems, maybe a total of four times, the one two weeks ago being the worst. And last night did not start so well because he was like but we just had this conversation a short time ago and then at the end he was asking why I did not write my clarifications about that and I said this is why, I did not want to keep nagging him.

    Also the phone thing, he first seemed really annoyed because he thought I was saying he had to call every day and I explained it was not about that at all because sometimes he has not and I made no big deal about that, whereas what I see from many ladies even those in local relationships is that they expect daily texts running throughout the day and I do not. I simply did expect it before a major holiday.

    And I did explain that I felt pushed away and I certainly hope that this time I will not be punished and he will not pull away as then I do not know what I will do. Perhaps be kinder and softer and more forgiving is all I can say.

    I only hope it is not too late. On the one hand I have been really patient, on the other hand I could have been more patient. I am only human but I certainly did not want to lose him because of that. But I am also too hard on myself, the right man will have some patience with us too.

    Jess thanks, your words are very soothing, clever and words of reason with compassion. I will look for your stories and will update as I can. Of course now I am scared that the things I said will make him pull away but I really ended it on a positive note with corrections to my prior criticism and by positive encouragement, so we shall see. I will write but for the moment I am running to work after 3 hours of sleep. Wonderful.

    #462648 Reply

    emma

    My two cents:

    – Your past: You have to believe that you can heal to be able to heal.

    – Your present: Your relationship with this guy is not healthy and happy. I see no reason for anyone to stay in a relationship that’s not healthy and happy.

    – Your future: Take time for yourself. To heal. To become healthy and happy. Then find a guy to share your life with.

    Good luck!

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