This topic contains 169 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by SthrnBelle 8 years, 2 months ago.
September 18, 2015 at 4:12 pm #459317
Ashley, thanks so much! It is much easier to advise others than yourself because your emotions are not involved, although often we do not see the whole picture. Some post very clearly, others not but everyone has good intentions.
Yes religion IS very important to him, yet he knew about the potential problems and went into it wanting it badly, I think he was not thinking clearly. Now he is fighting with himself too. Strange he does that after he introduced me to everyone and after he relaxed some, maybe he resents that.
Last week he called sending kisses and hugs and then he called me back and I was joking what you confused the numbers and wanted to call your other girlfriend? He said he just called to say he loves me.
Last night after the conversation he said that he needs to give me anwswers. He said that of course he loves me but has to see about how I want to be loved.
Then the very cold conversation tonight.I need to be strong no matter what.
You are right Ashley, I have a lot of guys running after me but what if I felt he is the one I loved and no one else interests me? Just last weekend at a big party I could have started dating a couple of men but wrong choices, then the freaks that fall in love with me when I only met them twice and they act obsessed. There is one other guy that is ok that has wanted to date me for three years and I dated him shortly but he too is very religious and that was why I did not date him, I did not have the strong feelings I have for this guy. It is one thing to have interest in you, another thing that I rarely develop an interest for someone.September 18, 2015 at 8:03 pm #459356
hmm, he seems kinda confusing to me. I think he may not know what he wants? it seems a lot of men are like that.
I totally get it. it feels like it’s slim pickings when it comes to men we’d actually want!
I guess I feel like maybe don’t try to hold on to him so tightly, loosen your grip, see if he steps up in the way you need him to, give yourself some time to relax
I know the feeling when there aren’t any other guys, but keep in mind if this situation doesn’t go well for whatever reason, you could just be happy on your own without dating ya know? until the right man comes along. it can definitely take timeSeptember 19, 2015 at 2:58 pm #459514
Why you should dump him? Because he is a total crutch for you. He is a fantasy and you are way more invested in this fantasy scenario than he is. You have way more to lose, in a sense. You will give up the opportunity to have children, you will have to move and god knows if you can acclimate at the new place, and that is way too much pressure on a new relationship. Anyway, I think many of us get excited about men, and what a great man someone is, but if they don’t treat us the way we want to be treated, how great are they really?
He could have bought a plane ticket and visited you. And the religion issue, that just came up out of nowhere? That is a blow below the belt in my opinion. He is stating a total deal breaker here, one you can not do anything about. It’s not like changing your lipstick.
As hard as it seems, yes, I think you should dump him, and focus on healing, and without imagining a man in the picture for at least the next 6 months.September 19, 2015 at 3:31 pm #459529
Alia, I know, I agree. My friends go back and forth from dump him he does not love you to but he is not a player he loves you and maybe you screwed up, both great feelings to me now. At the same time he has disappeared. I can only tell you that I have been doing very badly, taking more meds and feeling angry to sad to depressed and anxiety. This reminds me of one relationship I had which ended terribly and my best friend told me that this should tell me something. I agree as he used to make me feel great and relaxed and now all I feel is toxic, negative feelings that are slowly eating me up and I am not eating at the same time.
It did not start like this. He was all in love with me but imagine he is 61 and I am 39, men chase me nonstop, not to say I am full of myself but men tend to go, well a bit crazy for me but this is my problem that all my life I have felt that men wanted me for my body, looks, whatever you call it, charisma, something. They get obsessed, they say stuff they do not mean which they then take back and kick me to the ground, well, that is the couple I have developed feelings for. It happened with only two men and I was super careful and slow to hold myself back and hold my horses. They were pushing it but once they got me… end of story.
Then there are the stalkers, ex hubby was one that I could not get rid of and he ended up almost killing me, I have no idea why men relate in this way to me because I am acting perfectly normal. I am not at all insecure! Not in general, only with two guys, my two big loves otherwise I am perfectly aware of how much guys tend to like me, I am just very lively, fun, always laughing, joking, open and flexible, etc. No one in the whole world understands why I am so heartbroken over this guy when all his friend told him I was too good for him (BTW I did not believe that).
I became invested after this guy brought me to live with him for three weeks to see how it works and only after three months I have said back that I loved him, it worked great and then instead of going forward he pulled back.
People tell me that maybe it is an age related thing, it could be, I have no clue. Maybe he was not realistic as he fell head over heels, maybe this is why he did not talk about religion so much as I was clear about that.
This is not a religious thing that can be easily changed, just telling those that think so, I am not talking about Christian religion where you just go to church and that is it. The guy is an ortodox Jew. While I have some Jewish roots I have only occasionally practiced, was not raised that way and I have no papers and what there was in the background was faked to show we were not. Sorry I did not want to open a can of worms here about my background. I cannot just turn myself into an ortodox Jew if I am not that easily and he seems unwilling to accept conversion too because I have some roots and in his opinion I should not have to. There are also practices I cannot accept and will never practice, some things totally degrade women in my opinion and I know many families where this is not a problem as one party practices more and the other not.
I am just back to wanting to block the guy. There was some other stuff said too that deeply hurt me. Thanks for being there girls and I hope I did not overwhelm you and you do nor judge me.September 19, 2015 at 3:34 pm #459532
Just to add this whole experience has made me feel inferior and inadequate. I should ask myself the question why I choose the biggest challenges to love? Is it really love? These two I have chosen to love hurt me to the core. Both were way older and perhaps replaced my douche bag father subconsciously. I do think I will call and start a therapy session next week because this must be stopped.September 19, 2015 at 3:51 pm #459534
I used to attract crazies, too. I once had a guy stalk me for 3 years and I had to go to the police, etc. My ex husband was a nutty stalker also. Thing is neither of these guys really loved me or really knew me. I didn’t question their intentions because I was too desperate to be in a relationship, and making it work no matter what. I didn’t questions these guys eligibility, nothing. There was some attraction on my part, but they weren’t like oh wow this is the love of my life, etc.
I had serious abandonment issues, and I attracted guys who didn’t have stable jobs and who were really a joke. And they did get all crazy about me, but only because I allowed it. They disrespected me from the get go, they never took the time to really know me, they were misogynistic, and since I didn’t respect myself, it all fit in perfectly. The time that I dumped both these guys is when I felt the most empowered, even though it was hard, I came back to me.
But not until and during my last major relationship did I really work on myself and got to the point where I was not needy and didn’t depend on a relationship, where I was completely ok with being alone and single and happy. Really truly at peace. I think it is not possible or at least incredibly hard to do it if you really are in a relationship, or at least think you are. Until the moment I really dumped the last unhealthy boyfriend, I couldn’t have gotten there. I had started to hate men and that’s the worst mindset for any relationship.
it’s time to dump this guy, this last straw in your true recovery. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. Nor should you have this incredible fear of losing him, etc. Everything in life is a gamble, anyone is free to leave a relationship and as hard as that is for the dumpee, it’s for the better for both. And that’s the truth.
Dump this guy and get back to you. Do not date for now. You can use dating as a barometer of your relationship health, but don’t get physically involved with anyone for now. This is my advice from experience.
The man I am dating now is completely different from my past loves. I would have never attracted him had I been my past self. Now I like and respect men, and if they disrespect me I pay no mind to them. I ignore them.
Wish we had redcurlysue comment on this post, I think she could really put into words what is missing. Hint – it has nothing to do with the orthodox thing or the age gap or anything. This is you self sabotaging yourself still. You have to end it with him to start your recovery.September 19, 2015 at 3:54 pm #459536
Yes, you nailed it. “Is it really love?” No, it’s the LACK OF love.September 19, 2015 at 4:20 pm #459543
Great posts Alia although I did not quite understand the self sabotaging part. I changed significantly, I used to date rich or at least well off men. Some were very good looking. Then I spent time alone and away from dating, not sure I truly hated men but I was not ready even though it was hard, this was the only period in my life not dating or in a relationship. It was not healthy either and did not help at least when I started again and boy did I start with a vengeance.
My ex fiancee was a billionaire, no respect for women but he was crazy about me. I have to admit that the prospects of a secure life were appealing but we also went completely crazy with passion until he got cold feet and decided that no, he did not want children and that was when I ended up in the hospital with a miscarriage and him crying and leaving me for good. I got rid of him in April when I met him again after a long time, instead of getting any answers after three years we hit the passion road only to have him vanish once again for good.
The ex husband was the one who was fully crazy, a stalker and one who ripped me off completely financially. I am now thinking that I fell in love with this boyfriend during the marriage because he was a way out, he was my fantasy and a big challenge, perhaps too big and then of course months after the divorce this happened. It seemed to be big love, he was consistent but honestly he had not been in a relationship after his divorce for ten years, do not think he is fully over it or even will be, looks like he has learnt nothing from it and perhaps is also afraid to commit like ex fiancee was because of fear.
I agree that fear is the worst advisor. But it is not me doing this to myself. I normally do not have abandonment issues, these two guys made me feel this way.
I did not feel needy in this relationship, I just did not feel loved back the last month quite honestly. I will block him, go complete NC, try to gather all my strength to write him an email after a couple of days. I owe that to him. I am just unable to deal with it now emotionally.
I am really not sure what I have done wrong. I always allowed them to chase, if anything I did wrong was to try to conform too much and to be available but it is kind of hard not to be in an LDR.
Please try to explain the self sabotage part. I did not fully get where I am self sabotaging. Honestly the men I decided to date were the ones that appeared the most promising out of the bunch and I never chased.
I too wish RCS commented but thanks so much again! Every piece of advice is greatly appreciated. I am not going to say that I feel good.September 19, 2015 at 4:32 pm #459547
I know I am not making sense to you. But I am trying to say you are saying, this guy did this to me and this guy did that to me. And it’s true. But you were there and allowed it all. The minute you sensed your ex fiancee didn’t respect women, you should have been out of there. Why do you think you are an exception if he disrespects all women. What makes you so special. You’re a woman, too. The second guy ruined you financially. So during the dating there was not a single clue that he will take you for a ride, not a slightest inkling? Yes, of course, he was an escape. But hear me out. Who is the common denominator here? Who is the person all these things are “happening” to. Or are they really happening, or are you allowing them to happen?
If you are not in a financially sound place, a place, where you are comfortable, you can pay your bills, you have no business dating. Or at least don’t expect to meet men who don’t want to somehow use their money as some kind of a power thing over you. You have to rebuild your life now and become completely financially independent and confident. You are not ready to date, and you need to heal from the crime you were a victim of. I am not saying I am blaming the victim, all I am saying is that these things are the past. And going forward you will be a different, stronger, more vigilant person. Protect yourself. It is your job to protect yourself and to take care of yourself. It is not a man’s job.
And of course I don’t know where you are from and where you live, but from what I am reading you are living under Sharia law or something. That’s the impression I get. That you are a in a cage somewhere against your will.September 19, 2015 at 4:45 pm #459548
There is a lot of truth here of course. I know all this and I felt really ready this time and changed and I was but the problem was perhaps my choice was wrong and the other person was not ready.
I never said it is a man’s job to rebuild me financially, not at all-. I never did that except my fiancee made me quit my job so it was really hard after being dumped in the hospital, now do I want this again, this man controlling me and me having to escape after having left my job?
My financial situation is not good but I have a lot of value, let’s say value that is not in money. I have a company and I have a job. While things are hard, after my experience with my ex fiancee I made sure to fight with nails and teeth for having something to turn to did I need to.
That was the good thing, ex owes me tons of money and legal expenses have been crazy, this is why it is tough and I feel that right now you are right maybe I am not in a strong enough position to date. I also have to move and make big chances, it is just that a month ago moving was a question as this ex boyfriend told me to not make big commitments here in living and so on. So he did lead me on.
Yes, I am the common denominator but you know on Psychopath Free I read about CPTSD when children go through long term abuse and molestation and it sort of predestines them to these type of things. I am not sure this can be helped. God knows I have tried everything. I will try another therapy session but even they do not know how and if it can be helped.
I still wanted to be strong, to live, have fun, have joy and good things in my life and I took things lightly until this became serious, again not something I pushed for and then he left me hanging.
Thanks for offering a light at the end of the tunnel.September 19, 2015 at 5:04 pm #459555
Alia BTW sorry for not mentioning this but I am very very happy for your newfound happiness!
I never take anything for granted anymore though as I thought that I found happiness too with this man and honestly here there were no strong signs against him, no one is perfect. Even a close friend of mine cannot believe what happened and she knew him too.
Yes you are right in the past there have always been signs.September 19, 2015 at 5:39 pm #459570
Thank you, you are very kind! I am also a survivor of abuse, and I have gone through a lot of healing. The challenge I am having now is to truly trust my man with my feelings, to truly surrender to this love.. I still find it unbelievable that someone could love me unconditionally and from the get go, and be consistent in everything he does. I am 35, and accepting someones true love is a first for me.
Re: children of abuse. yes, it can is and should be helped, but it takes a lot of work. It’s like learning a perfect golf swing at age 50. Not going to happen unless you are willing to put hours and hours of work in. Getting a teacher. Admitting that there is a problem and being able to find enough true love in yourself (not any other person outside yourself) and that you want to give yourself that space to heal. The time, the effort, the money. There is literature, forums, therapy, etc. Lots of resources out there thankfully.
Re: Job. An old business owner, a man, once told me. A woman’s best boyfriend is her job. Your job is your priority over any guy. Once I understood that I became much more successful at my work.
So hear me out, you quit your job for your fiancee and now you were willing to quit your job for this new guy. Well don’t. Do not ever quit your job ever again. And if you ever do, make an account in your name only where part of his paycheck goes into.
Embrace your job, your business, everything you have worked so hard for. I know your kind. So go ahead and enjoy the fruits of your labor, for once. What would you do if there was no guy in the picture. What would you envision your life to be. I envision a life full of possibilities for you.
Yes, he lead you on, and he left you hanging, but did he really? Or was he having a nice time until you started demanding more? If you have to demand/ expect/ and remain unfulfilled by a man, he is not your man, period. That was also news to me. I thought you were supposed to hang in there tooth an nail. Turns out you are supposed to just walk away and date others.
I want to recommend you this book, “Live your Truth” by Kamil Ravikant. I always come back to this book when I feel I am slipping back in my old ways of lack of love for myself.
I wish you find a therapist you are comfortable with. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to my adult self that I went and got help. It takes a few tries to find a therapist you can really click with. So don’t be discouraged at first. And I would recommend from the start to find a female therapist. You are embarking on a journey to rebuild yourself and your esteem, and build a solid strong foundations for your emotional health. Re-parent yourself, possibly from the very beginning.
Best of luck!September 19, 2015 at 6:55 pm #459583
You are so right again and such a great post again.
You know the strange thing is that this is how I felt with this man, I could surrender, open up, he earned my trust. He earned my trust in business and in friendship for a year and a half before the relationship. Then he slowly earned my trust in the relationship. I finally opened up, realxed and boom. Can I say that I am surprised? Nothing in life surprise me anymore and I still think that perhaps if we had lived together it could have worked but in an LDR with a month behind us not meeting things get harder.
I would have only quit my job if he had been willing to do what you are saying. It seemed clear that he wanted some form of commitment from the beginning or otherwise if we had not made this clear initially, I would have never gotten into this relationship. Again, people can surprise you, shock you when you least expect it and I am left again not knowing what really happened.
I will try to work with a therapist. I really need it now, I was putting it on hold as I was doing well with the crime trauma and also handling the hardships in my life, well, relatively well. This therapy is aimed at wanting to change something. While I realized I needed change, I thought I was in a good spot about that. So much for knowing, I guess never take anything for granted.
The very best luck to you!September 20, 2015 at 11:03 am #459734
Ok I have an update about this situation. I have been a zombie the last two days not sleeping well, hardly eating. This man got to me and I had the talk with him because I did not want to be played with.
There are things I learnt, never ever push a man, do not ask for commitment as it has to come from the inside in their case, have serious conversations in person only, which is of course very hard in LDR thus many go down the drain for many reasons, LDRs rarely work out, guys are indeed created different and the list goes on.
He had not called me in two days. I have no idea why but my asking and talking seemed to make him distant and push him away, it had never happened before but there is also so much a man can take and they will lose patience. Positive encouragement gets you farther, much farther than negative conversations. It may offer immediate relief to have a talk about what is on your heart but when it makes them feel inadequate they pull away.
Many posters taught me a lot of things here. I should have considered the things he did do for me, I cannot list them all here but he put a lot of trust in me on all levels trusting me with huge values to help me succeed among others. My one friend who was on his side said that he believes none of the bad stuff about him as he loves me and is not like that. But even she thought religion was an issue.
Anyhow he called me like nothing happened, still distant and called, I was cool and easy. He talked about the meeting during his trip mid-October which we planned before things blew up and of course he acts like it is still on.
So to handle my fears, would he come here to break up with me? My city he is only coming to because of me. I think it would be a bit crazy of a suggestion that he wants to spend four days with me to break up but I gave him what sounded like an ultimatum. He still does not sound so happy but wants to see me apparently. No love you-s, kisses or anything. That was last Sunday last time when he hung up only to call me back to say he loved me.
Question is I am confused, is this man really a douche bag? I fell miserable in love with him and this time in my life is the first time when I fell in love with someone BECAUSE of how he treated me for the last year and a half and not despite it. All advice appreciated. I know you said to dump him but perhaps we need XYZ and other harsher people here because I may have acted needy, insecure, etc.
The only thing I do not know about is what to do if he says he does not want us to move together which he has so far seemingly wanted to. I also do not want him to have a negative effect on my feelings making me insecure and inadequate which happened while not seeing him but perhaps this is my internal problem.
Anyhow calling for therapy tomorrow to battle some of this CPTSD, it will not hurt for sure.September 20, 2015 at 1:10 pm #459766
I don’t think he is a douche bag at all, he sounds very normal and like a good guy. I think your expectations don’t match though, there are a lot of things why this whole thing is not a good match. Long distance being part of it. But I can empathize with the long distance. I was in a long distance relationship with a crush from 16 years ago. It was a rebound relationship for me, and once I broke it off I really embraced my life here.
If he is coming in October, does that mean you HAVE to see him, or is he coming for business. Rest assured he will be fine to see you and he is not going to break up with you, because from his end there isn’t much to break up. I know this sounds crazy. He is probably going to come and think he can enjoy your company and have a nice dinner with you, whilst you’ve made this man end all and be all in your mind. I don’t think he has put half as much thought into this as you have.
Thing is when we (CPTSD peeps as you call it) enter a romantic relationship it mimics a relationship we had with a parent, the closeness, the love. So we often get confused, we start expecting things from the person to fulfill that our parents were supposed to fill, a void of sorts. But as we have already become adults, it is our sole responsibility to fill that void for ourselves, not to seek out a partner to fill it for us. That is just a recipe for a disaster.
I know you say you have already done so much work and been alone etc. but I really truly think you will benefit from therapy greatly and your life will be more and more fulfilled as you go on. And it won’t matter if there is a guy in the picture.
Rest assured there is always a guy in the picture if you are a good looking lass with a healthy self esteem. That is the last thing I would worry about.September 20, 2015 at 1:56 pm #459778
Alia, unfortunately over the internet I cannot say some things he did for me business wise too but he literally gave me a lot, also he did just buy me a ticket now to one of his home countries in December. He also financed my last vacation living with them for three weeks he did not allow me to pay for anything, though I paid my ticket, I was adamant about that. He had a huge drive to make this work initially, we met often and for extended periods too and the last month his work cancelled on his trip to my area and he then did not invite me for the new year holiday which really hurt me though neither of us can travel nonstop.
I really am so unsure, now he called sounding angry but for whatever reason he cannnot let go. I have to say that I think to him long distance is normal and has nothing to do with how much he loves someone as his children are the world to him and normally he only has a long distance relationship with his children too, he has to travel to see them once a month too, it has been that way for a long time and I think he got used to it. Now he is torn between his job that sends him all over the world, the kids and me and add the religious aspect to that. He may think I am ungrateful but from my perspective meeting someone once every two months is not doable long-term, that we clearly discussed in the beginning.
In October no, it would not be dinner, he would fly to my country, we would meet in a vacation city and then drive to the capital, it would be a four-five day thing and it sounds like he expects it and I told him during our conversation what I expect very clearly. I really hope he gets it and does not expect me to play along this way.
To me it sounds like he is also angry because he feels that I want to dump him otherwise and now he really has to step up to the plate, which is true because even though I was suffering as as dog I will not get into a long distance love affair thing.Just what did he expect? I lived with his kids, I met all his friends and business partners, all of whom met me as his girlfriend and they all really liked me and were actually really impressed by me.
Maybe have a discussion in person? But we always get the advice not to and then I get into it again and I really do not want this to become an addiction that is torturing me but yet this would be really hard to completely break off business wise too and how do you let someone down who has been your mentor and business co-financing party in a way which he did for nothing in return. It puts me in a very hard position.
Sure you are right, my father is a douche bag and worse than that and this guy is almost his age, it is not surprising that my two biggest loves have been much older than me. CPTSD is a term I read on Psychopath Free a forum that someone recommended here. It is trauma resulting from long term abuse which God knows I have had plenty of in my life. Yeah tomorrow I call about the therapy sessions.September 20, 2015 at 8:58 pm #459897
Hey Southernbelle just checking in on you, it makes me so sad to hear that you haven’t been eating. Big hugs please take care of yourself!! I feel like you’re overanalyzing everything (which I totally understand by the way, I do that) & on his end there may not be a huge problem other than he does not seem to be as enthusiastic & loving. Try to simplify everything, instead of magnifying everything. That may make you feel calmer..September 20, 2015 at 10:22 pm #459916
I haven’t said anything because I don’t believe I have anything worth sharing for your situation. It seems of all the women here Alia is the most in tuned to what you are experiencing,
I only wish you the best, hun.September 21, 2015 at 12:41 am #459940
Belle, I am so sorry that this situation is ongoing and I hope that you please try and think about yourself first and take care of yourself. I can totally relate to much of what you are going through as far as the back and forth/torn feeling that you are having. I think there is a lot of background that I missed with you and him (maybe from previous posts?) but to me it seems he genuinely cares about you but is torn about whether this will work, as are you. With all of the differences between you, the LDR and it seems the ongoing business relationship, you are both in turmoil and to me it feels like you are operating in the midst of a tornado. I feel your stress and panic. What you need is to stop the spinning, focus on what you want for yourself and what you want in your life and in a relationship. I am sure therapy would be very helpful for this.
I can totally relate to the orthodox issue, this was my first boyfriend and me – we broke up bc of this but continued to love each other for over 10 more years until we started dating again in our 30s. Religion was no longer an issue for us….but distance was, but we are still very good friends and I still love him dearly. My current boyfriend and I also had major turmoil for a year over our difference in religion and age and were on and off for another six months. We talked about marriage early on but he made a lot of mistakes and he is or was a terrible communicator of his feelings at times and also did not handle conflict when I was emotional well (avoider). But it all stemmed from the fact that he did not know if we would be able to overcome these issues and it was very upsetting to him. We had a lot of passion but my friends kept telling me that he was awful, I was too good for him, etc. Still, whenever we were together everything was great. He came to me with some important questions a few months ago about our future and at first I was very skeptical that this would work and couldn’t jump in with both feet and told him so. He was unfazed and has become a better communicator, and learned to handle any of my drama (rare but important), he doesn’t avoid conflict. We’ve been back together for a little over two months now and all has changed for the better. There is still the passion but way less drama, less variables and, even though we are still a different religion, we have become more compatible.
I say all of this because it sounds like you have been swirling round and round with this guy. I think you need to stop and focus on yourself and what you want. Thats what I did during our ‘off’ period….and when we got back together, I had a calm, clear picture of what I wanted. Also, I wanted you to see that sometimes things can be messy and work out, but only if you believe that there is love. During all the times that my BF acted immature, handled things all wrong and my friends were telling me what a douche he was, I believed in the back of my mind that he loved me.
Do you love your guy? Do you believe that he really loves you? Do you both want a future together? If not, then this turmoil isn’t worth it. If so, then its another reason to take a step back and reassess your past/present/future – trauma/feelings/dreams so that you can feel calmer in any decision you make about him or anything else. I feel for you. I have cried a thousand tears and felt like I was never going to be happy. I prayed and begged G-d to help me get through it. I will pray for you too get through this too. I know you will.
I would go to the Oct. trip with as much clarity on your ‘wants’ as possible. If you cannot do an LDR, let him know this wouldn’t work, not if you want to be happy. Also his comment about how to make you happy makes me think he’s not sure how to make you happy – this can cause a guy to doubt a relationship. A man wants to believe he can make you happy. I feel like you don’t really know either. How can he know if you don’t?September 21, 2015 at 7:05 am #459977
Wow, what great posts! Thank you so much girls.
XYZ, thanks. I feel that on this forum you offer a very realistic perspective, which everyone can use. I also feel that since you are living in a successful marriage, you can have an advice or two for us other girls. Of course I know nothing is ever a guarantee, not a marriage either but the key here was on successful. I am aware that mine is a complicated situation on different levels which may be difficult to advise on.
Ashley you are such a caring and emphathetic girl, thanks to you. To answer the question about enthusiasm, hmm, this is such a tough one. This guy is incredibly loving in person and has shown me many times that he does really love me but when you are LDR it is hard to judge. What I have seen is that his enthusiasm has gone back and forth a lot and he always stays connected eventually but there are times he is really enthusiastic and then he pulls back perhaps doubting things fighting in himself and of course sometimes there are added stressors in life. In LDR how do you know when a man does not talk what the issue is?
I am going to try to explain some things. Jessica your post was incredible but also really complex and it makes me think and think and want to respond as best as I can. This is tough to do.
He may be doubting himself that he can make a woman happy but is really trying while he fights within himself which all do anyhow because of this situation him even more. Perhaps I erred on making him feel inadequate by not acknowledging how much he tries to do but a lot of this he does not share with me. Typical guy. At the same time my perspective is really understandable as well, these types of relationships are mainly illusions of a relationship. He is practically never there. It is like having a lover which I do not want. Even if that was never what he meant.
His only serious relationship, his marriage ended in disaster for similar reasons I told him and maybe this made him feel even more inadequate. I was very calm and made sure to state I also love him and accept him the way he is. When we communicate, he seems to try to solve how he could have made me happier, such as not leave me hanging after our three weeks together, he said “so with you we have to make plans”, then asking if I expected to spend the holidays together, to which I responded that I hate the word expectations and I did not expect it but it hurt that we did not as to me it is important to spend it with those important to us. He may feel he screwed up.
I know what makes me happy and he usually knows by himself but often he seems to be wanting to guess and get very nervous, frustrated about not knowing. Guess as a typical woman I do not communicate it, I feel that there is something wrong when you have to state it as it may feel like pushing/being needy, which I really want to avoid but otherwise I am left hurt and resentful, frustrated, which he obviously feels.
Also the problem is once I stated it clearly last week, even though I thought we had previously agreed that we want to build a common future, he totally pulled back. What he did not say in the past is that I should become ortodox or something and as far as I was concerned I followed most traditions while with him but becoming ortodox is not necessarily the way I want to live and many couples vary in their degrees.
If he does not know whether he can do this, then why does he wants to meet? He did say that he wants to talk about some of the things in person but that is a month away again! Also I do not want to be used but also doubt he would want to spend days with me and just use me, he is not like that. Makes no sense to me.
Now he hardly calls me, so we really did go backwards and he knows that I hate that so why is he doing it? He knows how important being loved and communication are to me and until now for the last month we talked every evening pretty much in addition to something short during the day when no one can concentrate. Since our talk last Thursday he seems to avoid conversation with me. Why? Maybe he thinks I would bring it up again or ask for answers which he does not want to give over the phone and then break up with him?
After all he may be afraid just like I am too while torn as well. He only called yesterday from work to set plans for October. I think he wants to give things a chance but I just felt that we were much more ahead. Now he acts like we never had an argument about the business part of the trip and a trust issue. His tone again was entirely different and very elusive, I have no clue if angry, hurt, cold, hard to say. I think that he may also be thinking that it can only work if I go down with him the religious route. Again as Ashley said this is analyzing and guessing. But since he has closed up not sure what else I can do.
He also has the business fight in himself as I was technically a client and his job means a lot to him, probaly the most as it is his existence and his children’s. He has told his boss about me which was a huge step as they are very big players and my boyfriend was a manager of this company and normally you know it is a huge no go to get in a relationship with a client. He may be getting some heat at the company too.
Yes, I am aware that I am writing about a very complicated situation which will come out very complicated and is not easy to read. But I am also trying to respond to a very complex post Jessica.
So, yes religion, Jessica you can understand that the ortodox issue is actually a lot different than say just talking about attending catholic church. It is a lifestyle, it can require papers or a year or two long process of conversion, some things I definitely do not want to follow and he was the one that relaxed about them, now he may feel guilty.
Jessica, can you please share more about your story? I know that there is no way to do it privately here but I would really like to hear more, I will also search to see if you have threads. But because your situation is so similar to mine and we have to admit they are very unusual, I think I could learn a lot from you and we may be able to learn from each other. Those that are bored by it do not have to read this thread.
Jessica, yes I really love him and believe in him, or did, I know I love him because when I am really angry at him after a while I can only feel that I love him and want this to work. I tend to pull back too so I can relate to men as well.
I did believe that he loved me. Now I am not sure, perhaps he is unsure he can the way I want to be loved by being accepted for who I am as that was the person he fell in love with. He did acknowledge during the conversation that if I was different, it would not have happened but he may want to alter me and that is not ok. Compromise is essential but not creating a different person out of me.
Ny colleague and friend who met him is the only outside perspective as she is the only one of my friends who have and she is very mature and objective. She told me that she thinks he loves me so much that he would do just about anything. Everyone else doubts him but she is the only one that has seen him interact with me. I can definitely imagine a future as we are a very good match personality wise and he has a very good effect on me when I am with him. He relaxes me. I have no idea if he can imagine a future, perhaps this is the problem. I know he did before and quite unsure what happened now, maybe this is how distance ruins relationships?
So now he has further pushed me away with his pulling away because I feel that I cannot open up anymore and whereas in this situation I would have needed more love if anything I am getting the cold shoulder, what to do? I think I need to be patient. There is nothing I can do in my opinion but do exactly that, nothing, giving space and time and pulling myself back as well but I have never been the one initiating anything anyhow. I should not say a word and this tests me too if my love can persist. This situation makes me further sad and upset because we used to discuss our days, the little things and now he asks nothing when he knows my personal situation is very stressful as well. Of course I know what everyone would suggest, talk to friends, which is what I do but where has our personal connection gone? Obviously I feel even more stressed about this situation than before.September 21, 2015 at 2:45 pm #460127
I think the best thing you can do for not only yourself but for him to feel better as well, is to get yourself feeling better. Maybe if you can fix the stress you are experiencing & feel more calm & content, it will trickle down to your relationship as well & maybe if he feels a happy vibe from you it will help matters. I know it’s easier said than done but I think the real solution all around, is to do whatever is necessary for you to start feeling goodSeptember 21, 2015 at 3:42 pm #460235
There are so many complex issues here with your business relationship, the fact this is a long distance relationship and he is having second thoughts about religious differences. I guess what jumps out at me is him saying whether or not he can love you the way you want to be loved. Does he mean unconditionally without having to change? I was a little confused by that. I understand that religion can really be a huge hurdle to get over and I’ve seen it end several relationships even when people are both Christians just have differing backgrounds Catholic vs. Baptist, but I’ve seen people who have been married forever where one is Jewish and one Catholic. There is no explaining the things that love can conquer. :)
If you really care about this man I think you should keep your October meeting. I actually think it’s good that he is discussing the religion issue. It does mean that he is focusing on building a future together and he’s thinking about the obstacles that might lie ahead for you two. I tried to go back and read some of the posts and there is a lot I missed but it really did bother me that this guy is 22 years older than you. I feel like you would be giving up a lot to be with him, possibly a family of your own. And because this relationship with him started during your bad marriage, I wonder if you’re not seeing him as a father figure who could save you from that. You said that your dad and your ex fiancé both abandoned you. I’m wondering if this guy isn’t a substitute father figure. Maybe you need to take this time to determine whether or not HE is what you want. You’re so worried about whether you are what he wants that I think you may be missing the forest for the trees. You are going to have a lots of hurdles ahead of you with this relationship and you need to decide if this is right for YOU. Maybe you should talk to a psychologist about whether you are trying to get his love and attention to replace that of your father. I really hope you can get some peace and clarity on this soon.September 21, 2015 at 3:42 pm #460237
Ashley, thanks girl. Today I felt better in general, some things about my life situation changing for the better and maybe I gave up happy vibes as he called again in the evening and we talked for an hour!
It was just lots of interesting things that have happened, in general a happy conversation, he was attentive and seemed to really listen and care again, involving himself in the conversation and I was funny and excited as usual about the meeting in October and it seemed to relax him a lot too.
He was not forcing religious stuff at all. We shall see in October what he says but four months is still a bit early to commit long-term. At the same time he knows I am moving into the house of a guy into a roommate situation but I did not even dare to say about shared areas too much but this is the best I can do to save money and my valuables in my company from the damage my ex husband did.
This was a good sign in general I think, he did not say I love you but he is not one to say it often. He did not say his big hugs but again he does not say it every time and he does not need to but I think the things I told him, I laid my cards out what I expect and now he knows, he had to think it over and perhaps it was not an easy fight but he may have suffered just as much from it as I did.
So now I feel very relaxed and that there is a chance. Never take anything for granted and watching how he behaves and his actions and what he says about the future. In general like many guys he does not talk about it much but I think also that they have to want it too as I would never want to force it.
Still looking at therapy options of course. This needs to be solved I just have a hard time reaching the therapist. But good day and evening. Hope you had a nice day too Ashley.September 21, 2015 at 3:47 pm #460241
Yay I’m so happy you’re feeling better. :) and I had a feeling when you felt better, he’d reach out. :) It sure is a nice feeling to feel relaxed after you’ve been feeling really stressed out. Thanks :)September 21, 2015 at 4:51 pm #460266
Belle – just to let you know I’ve been reading your updates. Glad to know things are getting better but be ready for everything when he comes over. Men usually don’t make breakup decisions easily, they take their time and sometimes even drag things for too long. It is easy to break things, and very hard to build them.
For the next little while try not to engage in heavy conversations. Keep things light.
You said you are moving into a roommate situation with a guy? and you are afraid to tell your man about it? isn’t he coming to visit you in a month? or are you planning on moving after his visit? will you keep it as a secret from him?