Feeling very scared

Hi southern Belle,
I’m not sure what you are trying to tell us. Are you just scared that it won’t work out and you had a discussion about that? If so, i don’t see signs of things fallen apart.
Different religions, or in this case one who practices it and one who doesn’t can be an issue if one of you is upset about it. So was he trying to tell you, that that’s a dealbreaker?
I don’t have answers, except take a deep breath, investing emotionally in a guy is scary and makes you feel vunerable and i think its good you talked to him about it. Also i wouldn’t be able to pretend i’m religious, but i would consider going to church with him or so, to support him in his faith, not because its doing something for you. Joining him at religious functions doesn’t change the person that you are.

Khadija, you are such a strong woman. I admire your strength, I truly do. I wish I had it.

I am not that strong, and here is what I think (I did take care to read your post carefully, not like I did once and confused everything).

SthrnBelle, you have all reasons to be scared. Who wouldn’t be after all you’ve been through? We are all humans and all of us, to some extent, rely on others for strength, encouragement, support, comfort, control, validation, etc. Humans are meant to live in tight groups and in constant interaction, we are tribal creatures, so no matter what the mass media tells you, we are not capable of living completely happily alone, fulfilled with our lives up to our necks. This is nonsense. For most people fulfillment comes, at least partially, from being with others, loving others, helping others, raising others, teaching others, or whatever. What artist will be fulfilled with just KNOWING their art is beautiful?

This is not to say we should be dependent on others, lets not fall into extremes and look at things in their complexity.

You said you were friends with this man for 1.5 years and then moved into a relationship but LDR. You are scared you will lose him. I don’t think you will. Friendships don’t die that fast. If he feels for you, and I think he does, he will not want to lose you, and will be suffering if he does.

I think religion is not an issue, the issue is that he may not be in love with you. But love is hard to come by, it is very rare. Men tend to take it for granted when they have it until they lose it.

As a woman I would not ask for commitment from a man. Even though you are scared, you need to withdraw now. Understand, he will lose YOU and your love (it is not only you who is losing something). If he is not a fool, given that he does feel for you, he will reconsider and come back.

Not practicing religion is something that can be negotiated later on. How much practice you want to give into, etc. You don’t have to be opposed to practicing it, just don’t promise to start a church at your house. Going there on Sundays though should be fine, no?

What man would walk away from love? Once the realization sinks into him, and it may take a few weeks, he would most likely reconsider. Remember that he is losing your love just as much as you are losing him as your support, your friend, and your lover. You need each other in different ways, it is always the case. To need each other is not to be needy and dependent. It is normal to need to be with people, to need to think, to need to talk, etc. I want to avoid this discussion about neediness and stuff. Normal human needs are just that – normal.

So you need each other in different ways. Let him come to the realization of his need of you.

I find that these days we women feel pressure ot be tough and strong and act like that. I am done with this. If I love someone, I will feel my love and will show it to them if they let me. I am not going to let my dignity to be stepped on, but it does not have to be an equal exchange. Where do you ever see a completely equal exchange? Why do we need it to be equal? So what if you love him more than he loves you?

My point is if at this point he decides to tell you he cannot give you what you want but later reconsiders, which I think he will, then I would take him back.

You will not lose him, you started as friends, there is a human bond there. Do not be scared, you might have to go through a tough phase, but it will not be the last strike. If he has time to understand his feelings for you and if those feelings exist (and I think they are from what you described), he will be back.

In the meantime, as you withdraw, do not talk too much about your relationship. Let him digest things and come to some kind of a realization.

Don’t torture yourself with fear, look for funny jokes online. Watch comedies, force yourself to watch comedies. Let this fear go, acknowledge it and let it go. Believe that things will work out, and work out for the better.

Please let us know your developments. Keep us posted about your news. This is what this forum for, we all going through something, and while we are in a situation, we often can’t see things right, or can’t cope alone, so we support each other.

Thank you Maria and Khadija.

Sorry yes this was a bit of a novel.

You girls are very right, I came to the realization too that my fears were not due to him but may always be there to a certain extent because unfortunately my past is very heavy and people would have a very difficult time understanding and relating as fortunately most have not gone through that.So if I think of some of my fears and trauma, I may as well never date because n matter how hard I work on myself this much baggage is something a part of which will always remain.

That said I do feel that I have made tons of progress,I am afraid but capable of standing up for myself is already a good thing because at least I am not allowing men to step over me and only use me for my body or what is worse become obsessed with me in a sick way which is what has often happened to me. Perhaps because I was a victim I attracted men that were not healthy for a long time. And somehow men always related to me more with obsession, an extreme way of infatuation instead of normal love and sometimes even recently some do that even when I am not in a relationship with them.

This man seems to be a good person and acting very mature, he should be as he is quite a bit older than me but maturity does not necessarily equal age. With him I have found that I never really had to withdraw even though during the last month I have, which is actually not a good thing because I have lost some of my excitement towards the relationship and him and often I did not feel like responding to his texts or emails but would always answer the phone.

I do think this guy loves me, at least he certainly was in love with me, he has done things that I know he had never done. My question is whether this still is the same because I have felt changes and that was what I responded to with withdrawal as well.

Unfortunately, they are related to religion and lifestyle a lot,as well as reality sinking in, that to a person almost never home a relationship is really hard. He even told me the above were the reasons why he was hesitating even though he told me every time we were working towards a common future. I felt this seemed to be a dream and not an actual plan from him.

You are so right, while it would really hurt to lose him and you are right that it would lose to hurt him as a person who I am very close to, he has reason to be scared of losing me too and he has been because though fortunately he quit being jealous like he was a bit in the beginning, he seems to always make sure to remain in contact.

Well, again I wrote a novel and I write either early morning or late evening when I am tired so perhaps I am not making sense but I am trying. Ok, one more piece of information, this guy has not had a serious relationship in almost ten years, he was really traumatized by his divorce before that and now the things I am telling him resonate with him because his ex wife told him the same things, so I told him to start thinking about that if more than one person told him especially the only two women he had a more serious relationship with.

Thanks and I will update maybe on this thread as things proceed. I do agree about pulling away, problem is it is in part due to my feelings changing too and not in a good direction, we have to see if it can be repaired and I can believe in what we have again.

Maria and girls in general too, so you say I should stop answering his calls too for a while?

I am heartbroken honestly but now thinking back even though there were many signs that he did love me, there were also those that showed that perhaps he did not love me enough and was in fact not really honest when he said he wanted us to tie our lives together. I even think this was a wish of his but he may be a dreamer and not a doer. I think of what brought on this long talk and I think I have good reasons to be concerned but may be wrong of course.

Unfortunately, I have not heard from him since. Now, if he was so into me perhaps he would be calling left and right to make sure that he makes it up to me. My best friend also thinks he did not love me enough and come on if I had been a priority he could have just taken a flight to spend a weekend with me where I am. There is truth to that.

OTOH; he booked a plane ticket for me to spend December holidays with him and we were planning on something for next month when all hells broke loose. I may be overthinking it and perhaps he is only thinking.

Last night I did surprisingly well and was able to sleep though woke up early morning a few times. Today has not been easy, pretty bad anxiety but not panic or anything, no inclination to write or anything just very sad and feeling betrayed so far. I will of course update you.

Thanks so much for caring. Was my original post very difficult to understand? I wonder why I do not get many responses from people when I always try to help on threads. Perhaps I do not write well enough in English.

Thank you Khadija. I guess I know. I am a complex person with a complex past and perhaps I attract a few complex men.:))) Just the way it goes or perhaps those are the ones I choose.

Elusive boyfriend called before going off the phone for a day or so and he was well, quite elusive. No I love you-s or anything but you know I think by now I am too worked up due to friends telling me too if he loves you so much, why did he not fly to see you?

I am trying to remain patient. I am torn between whether he loves me enough or not, whether he wants to be with me or not, I know he does, on his own terms but now that we had the talk it is harder, he knows I will not compromise.

My life is stressful too so I did not need added stress but will try doing for myself this weekend but it was planned to be a relaxing weekend mostly and looking for an apartment. Will do that.

I hope the sadness and hurt goes away. I sometimes wish I had said nothing but I am not resenting it, we will see. I know that it is not just his choice but mine too.

Maria he did call but was very distant and elusive, no emotions and had to go very soon even though I was nice. For the last month this back and forth went on at least three times this is when we talk he promises things and I am superficial then and I feel that this has become a vicious cycle now With him not knowing whether he wants commitment as in moving together and me hurting like hell. I feel that though we have had so much depth something has changed for the worse and he has also said Some things in e-mail that hurt though that may have been overreacting. I thought of breaking up as our conversation pushed him further away while I thought these were things we had discussed and were clear but the things he had done for me on a personal level were so nice before the relationship that I could not do it. I would never call him when I hurt i withdraw. I blocked his Numbers to distance myself from a hurtful situation. Please Tell me if I should undo it as I am not sure this was the right thing to do.

Your posts are hard to break down. I still cant tell if something really serious happened here. If he was discussing religion in a way that the two of you might not be compatible, than that’s a fair issue. The two of you should discuss that, it matters as much to you as to him, because you are trying to figure out if you want a lifetime together. You shouldnt mix those conversations with feelings like ‘does he love me enough’. That’s not fair to him. So, because you give so much Intel on different important issues, its hard to narrow it down. After all, this is also just texting, not a real conversation. Take care

Belle, I am sorry you are going through this. First off, take a deep breath. You need to go get a massage girl! Please, please go pamper yourself this weekend. As far as your questions/issues, I have had both an LDR and had two LTR relationships (including my current BF) with men who were completely different religions than me and the issues were resolved. My current BF and I broke up several times due to family and religious issues, and now we are back and he’s more committed than ever. In the end, if there is true love, no one wants to let go of it just bc there is a difference in one area of your life.

Please don’t listen to negative comments about your BF that he should or shouldn’t do X,Y or Z if he really loved you. These are not helpful. What is helpful is for both you and your BF, in your own way, to process this. I think he needs some time and space. He will think about it and likely miss you and contact you. Please unblock him. Leave a path open for him. In the meantime, you need to feel good about yourself and ‘being okay’ without him. I have been where you are….you will get through this!

I don’t have time to read all the posts here, and I’m not sure what happened based on what I’ve read. Have you broken up? If so why? If you haven’t broken up but this is all based on fear, then you need to work on your fear. I understand about fears, believe me! But they will ruin any good relationship. One of you will always be breaking up with the other and that’s painful.

I have abandonment issues too, and have had every kind of abuse imaginable as a child and into adulthood. I consider myself a survivor. But the result of these wounds is the fear of abandonment AND self-sabotage. (By that I mean I have a lot of thoughts about breaking up with my BF.) Not because anything is actually wrong, it’s just the thoughts in my head whenever something comes up where there could be a difference of opinion. It’s an extreme reaction for something small. But this is normal for folks in our type of position. The answer is in making ourselves whole again, not expecting others to make us feel better, or asking them to change.

Religion doesn’t have to affect compatibility. There are ways to work around it where you can both still practice your faith. I think you need to sit down and talk out the issues perhaps with a trusted spiritual guide? But of course you can’t do that if you block his number or won’t talk to him!

Thanks very much guys. Kaye your post really touched me, you are very kind. It is strange that blocking his numbers really made me feel at peace, which may be telling me something. I feel that this last month it has not been a very healthy situation and put me through emotional turmoil I did not need.

Alia thank you very much, I have had therapy quite a few times but I did not find it so helpful, what I do find helpful the most is the internal work I have been doing which I really feel that made me grow big time and I am finally in a place where despite my hardships I am finding peace in myself having come to terms with things. It is just that my ex husband left me close to bankrupt and that I am going through a criminal trial right now, so there are heavy things. Why do you think I should dump him, the way he makes me feel lately? My friend is telling me the same thing, she said she was advocating for this relationship but now she thinks that it has become toxic.

Newbie how can I try to be more clear? I can try. With this guy it was a long-term business partnership and friendship or more that developed. Before meeting again we only met once but talked on the phone a lot and came to really like each other on a deep level, he did many things to help me start and restart.

He was very hesitant to start a relationship with anyone but finally came to see me and that was the end of it. He knew from the beginning that there was the religion issue which is very important to him and not me, BTW his ex wife had the same problem with it that he was forcing it on her too much. This was something we discussed last night along with other issues he told me.

How it started: He said he was in love with me and we met every two-three weeks and finally spent three weeks together when he introduced me to everyone; family, friends, etc., lived with some of them for that period and all went great. It was the time when after three months I said back that I loved him.

I left and everything was left hanging. He did not make plans to see me, did not seem so interested, except for making plans far away to tie me down and yes he called all the time but some of the romantic stuff stopped, ok this can go back and forth, we discussed things a couple of times when he always said we were to be together. But often he said things that contradicted that he wanted us to live together despite him always seemingly caring about me.

This week he raised a trust issue about me that was very hurtful to me along with the religion issue, as well as got upset at me over something that was not my fault and he should have checked out and almost yelled at me over the phone. It was scary to me, yelling along with signs of potential controlling behavior, these are what made me thinking this is not good.

So these were red flags to me along with him being wishy washy and not trying to solve this situation. If he loved me so much, he could have just gotten a ticket and come and see me too, this was what my friend told me.

I feel that I am not a priority and I have other concerns. Breaking contact with him may be next to impossible because of the other ties we have. This is hard. I am also not sure if I am overreacting.

Perhaps Kaye was right that I should give it time that we can both think things over and even if I fear a bad end from him I should not react by blocking his numbers. I always said that was childish but unfortunately when I feel that I am real hurt and tried resolving the situation and it did not work, I often pull away, at least for a while.

Thanks so much everyone! I truly appreciate your help and caring, really I do. And sorry if I can be confusing. Emotions are very difficult to write about and recapping events is not easy either.

Wow, some very helpful comments girls!

Yes Maria I have told him exactly those things but I think now he feels obligated to give an instant answer which I did not expect either. I told him that he was important and that I was vulnerable, he knows these things and understands them but I think he is afraid that he will not make me happy. He is going through an internal fight I think and this may not have helped but I also did not want to stretch out an LDR too much if there was no chance as I am almost 40.

Ashley I am so sorry I wrote first when I was very upset and scared. I think the situation is complicated too, I just hope that I am more clear when I try to help others. Sometimes I write very fast due to lack of time too. Maybe I am not a good writer?:))) Yes, simply I do love him, I do think he loved me, I feel he is basically a good man and we all have issues. I think I should be more patient or should have been more patient.

Greenie thanks I tried to recap above, I always love your posts. Not yet on breakup, he got me a ticket for December and we were planning on October before the issues erupted. Perhaps my antennas are up too fast due to past trauma.

Jessica and everyone your posts were very encouraging. I am so happy you wrote Jessica, I am sure you can relate and advise. I will unblock him but at this point not sure if it will help and I feel guilty for having this discussion but last night he really calmed me down about it, only tonight he was distant but also in a hurry, this can happen normally too but rarely.

Thanks again!!!

you always write wonderful advice :)

my vibe is that you’re holding on to him because you feel like he is the only one for you that you’ve been interested in etc but from my perspective it may have reached its expiration date? I agree with your friend that this does have a toxic feel to it at this point. it just feels *not good* like this relationship is no longer in your best interest. To me it feels like the honeymoon is over & he is getting more “realistic” about your relationship – maybe he feels it’s no longer what he wants to the point where he wants to move mountains? & perhaps the difference in religion means a lot to him. Some people are flexible about religion stuff & others want their partner 100% into it. I feel at this time this man is not showing that he wants you enough plus all of the stress you are feeling.. maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship right now? based on what you’ve shared about him lately, it seems to me continuing to be with him will bring you more pain, if this continues the way it’s been recently..