This topic contains 169 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by SthrnBelle 5 years, 11 months ago.
September 17, 2015 at 3:04 pm #459048
As many of you girls here already know my history I have been in an LDR for the last 4 months with a person whom I truly liked before as a friend for a year and a half. This started as a big love for both of us and we have maintained contact on a daily basis, at least once a day but usually a lot more with the exception when he was once hospitalized and I freaked out when he did not respond for two days. BTW; in four months he starts conversations with me 99 % of the time, sometimes I quit responding after a while or wait for him to call without responding. I only write to him a text or an email if there is an issue I would really like to discuss with me, something major that is bothering me. I would say that this has happened maybe ten times total in four months and I have never called him.
Here is the big issue, tonight we had a very long and thoughtful, deep conversation as a result of which it turned out that maybe we were not on the same page as I thought before. He has repeatedly told me how much he loved me, done many romantic things and that he never wants to hurt me (realistically I know that guys say these things and you have to watch their actions). Honestly, I sometimes felt that his actions really did not follow or match his words. While his actions and maintaining contact show me that he does indeed love me I see a lack of commitment which we have discussed a few times actually and thought we were on the same page.
I finally stood up for myself tonight and really scared that he will just dump me but at the same time I feel empowered. But because of my past traumas as a crime survivor, abused and molested person I am scared that I will simply fall apart if someone I finally opened up does not want me. I trust very hard but I did trust him that I could open up as I could tell he was an honest guy.Question is whether our differences are too big to conquer and if reality can be overcome and this relationship can be made reality.
So, basically to those who do not know a bit of a background; we started meeting every two to three weeks spending four days together at the time, finally spending a three week vacation together but at his place with his family, all living together. Guess he wanted to see how we could live together and it worked really great but after this no plans were made and I felt really let down. Now life intervened and it ended up that because of work, he has to travel all over the world, we cannot meet for two months and then maybe for another two but it even took him almost a month to come up with new plans and felt he was not really making an effort.
In reality he probably was making an effort in his own way but where I felt we have always differed is where this relationship was going because of our lives and reality I knew an LDR would only work if we made plans to be together within the next year. We discussed this a few times and he always said that it was obviously what he wanted and only we have to be patient. Ok but I see no work on his part, maybe he does not share.
So finally the whole situation erupted tonight because he keeps making hints or accidentally says things from which it seems obvious that he does not want me to move where he is. I asked him about this and he wanted to clarify and we talked for over an hour. This is very odd to me as it seemed that everything he has said before was not exactly what we meant because he wants to be with me and loves me but our differences, which is ridiculously religion and even at that not even a different one just that I do not practice really, is why it is so hard.
So I really stood up for myself and of course calmly explained my side and he listened mostly and said that he has to give me answers and see if I can be loved the way I want to be loved, meaning that I told him that he obviously loves me because of who I am and I have accepted him and loving means accepting the other person with compromises but not wanting to change them. I do not want a controlling man in my life, that is the last thing I would want. I want a man but a man for whom me and my opinion, my personality will matter too.
He did admit that he loved me for who I was yet it seems that he would like to make a different thing out of me, which I cannot agree with. I do not think I should be forced to practice religion and I was willing to but I felt when we moved together. Now I have no idea.
I feel heartbroken and scared because at almost 40 I am only learning to be myself, to stand up for myself and not just want to please others. I do feel that if he loves me he should love me for who I am which he has admitted was the case but he is fighting with himself because his religion tells him I am not right or something?
So now I feel hurt and scared and this man that I thought until now that we agreed with is letting me know basically that it is something he has to see and this scared me to death. I know, I know, girls I feel that of someone cannot accept me, they do not truly love me or love their God the most whereas to me human beings, those I love are the most important.
I just feel that as difficult as my life is right now and the things I have gone through my whole life and especially in the last three years have been so much that losing him would be the last strike, yet I had to be brave but question is can I be brave if he decides against me which I am so scared of or will I fall apart?
Thank you for listening. Nothing scares me more than speaking of my feelings and standing up for myself. I guess at least with my internal work I can finally do it. But did it get me to lose someone I was finally able to love and trust?September 17, 2015 at 3:40 pm #459055
I’m sorry that you are really struggling with this relationship.
I’ll be honest this may not be the right time for you to be in one.
Maybe you should start considering this. This comment in your post
The things I have gone through my whole life and especially in the last three years have been so much that losing him would be the last strike, yet I had to be brave but question is can I be brave if he decides against me which I am so scared of or will I fall apart?
Do you really want to lean on your man that much? How fulfilling can this relationship be at this point if you are operating from a place of fear at this level?September 17, 2015 at 3:49 pm #459059
Hi southern Belle,
I’m not sure what you are trying to tell us. Are you just scared that it won’t work out and you had a discussion about that? If so, i don’t see signs of things fallen apart.
Different religions, or in this case one who practices it and one who doesn’t can be an issue if one of you is upset about it. So was he trying to tell you, that that’s a dealbreaker?
I don’t have answers, except take a deep breath, investing emotionally in a guy is scary and makes you feel vunerable and i think its good you talked to him about it. Also i wouldn’t be able to pretend i’m religious, but i would consider going to church with him or so, to support him in his faith, not because its doing something for you. Joining him at religious functions doesn’t change the person that you are.September 17, 2015 at 4:25 pm #459064
Khadija, you may be right but this is the one person out of so many that interested me in the last three years because of who he is and we will see if I am right about that. I am not leaning on him, fortunately this is something that I have been able to maintain and believe me it has been difficult.
I have always had fear of abandonment because of my father leaving me and then my ex fiancee vanishing while I miscarried in the hospital but I thought I overcame that when I had a stalker and mental ex husband which of course I fell into as a trap due to my vulnerability after my ex fiancee and dating left and right.
I have to tell you honestly that I fell in love with this man I am now dating during my marriage, when things were horrible in my marriage I fell in love with this person but waited a year to get the divorce and close everything with my ex fiancee before I started dating him, so I felt I could get a clean start.
Unfortunately, the initial relief and freedom feeling I had after my ex husband was gone was over when I was trapped in a terrible criminal case along with the divorce and threats and so on.
It never took a toll on the relationship, this man wanted to be a part of it and be there for me and I try not to share everything of course and keep a light side which is sometimes hard.
I too wonder about timing but considering where I live now and how few people I can be interested in because of my high ethical expectations and experiences that show me red flags almost instantly now, it would be hard to find companionship with someone else.
I am just really afraid that if things turned out badly, it would be a huge added trauma but the thing is that we went into it discussing things, being open, we were both very serious but now not sure if this religion thing is a deal breaker.
Newbie, unfortunately it is much more complicated than that, we are talking about a lifestyle, which is partially ok with me but I do not think I will ever be completely religious and living that life and this man loved that about me. I try to follow as much as I can.
Thing is that perhaps it is true that this started out in my head partially to have fun, have some light experiences, to live and enjoy life, to divert my attention but who was I kidding and perhaps it is true that it is not the right time but when is the right time?
I did once wait five years and let me tell you it did not make things any better as that was the time I made the worst mistakes of my life.
The fear and anxiety, well, I am not sure this is the relationship doing it because I obviously have PTSD having survived a crime. In the relationship I am acting a lot more mature than I ever have so I feel that I am at the point where I can have a successful relationship seeing how I am handling things, mostly very calm and in a very mature manner, which does not mean the other person is there or will ever be there, this is what we can never control.
Thanks girls!September 17, 2015 at 4:32 pm #459065
Khadija, you are such a strong woman. I admire your strength, I truly do. I wish I had it.
I am not that strong, and here is what I think (I did take care to read your post carefully, not like I did once and confused everything).
SthrnBelle, you have all reasons to be scared. Who wouldn’t be after all you’ve been through? We are all humans and all of us, to some extent, rely on others for strength, encouragement, support, comfort, control, validation, etc. Humans are meant to live in tight groups and in constant interaction, we are tribal creatures, so no matter what the mass media tells you, we are not capable of living completely happily alone, fulfilled with our lives up to our necks. This is nonsense. For most people fulfillment comes, at least partially, from being with others, loving others, helping others, raising others, teaching others, or whatever. What artist will be fulfilled with just KNOWING their art is beautiful?
This is not to say we should be dependent on others, lets not fall into extremes and look at things in their complexity.
You said you were friends with this man for 1.5 years and then moved into a relationship but LDR. You are scared you will lose him. I don’t think you will. Friendships don’t die that fast. If he feels for you, and I think he does, he will not want to lose you, and will be suffering if he does.
I think religion is not an issue, the issue is that he may not be in love with you. But love is hard to come by, it is very rare. Men tend to take it for granted when they have it until they lose it.
As a woman I would not ask for commitment from a man. Even though you are scared, you need to withdraw now. Understand, he will lose YOU and your love (it is not only you who is losing something). If he is not a fool, given that he does feel for you, he will reconsider and come back.
Not practicing religion is something that can be negotiated later on. How much practice you want to give into, etc. You don’t have to be opposed to practicing it, just don’t promise to start a church at your house. Going there on Sundays though should be fine, no?
What man would walk away from love? Once the realization sinks into him, and it may take a few weeks, he would most likely reconsider. Remember that he is losing your love just as much as you are losing him as your support, your friend, and your lover. You need each other in different ways, it is always the case. To need each other is not to be needy and dependent. It is normal to need to be with people, to need to think, to need to talk, etc. I want to avoid this discussion about neediness and stuff. Normal human needs are just that – normal.
So you need each other in different ways. Let him come to the realization of his need of you.
I find that these days we women feel pressure ot be tough and strong and act like that. I am done with this. If I love someone, I will feel my love and will show it to them if they let me. I am not going to let my dignity to be stepped on, but it does not have to be an equal exchange. Where do you ever see a completely equal exchange? Why do we need it to be equal? So what if you love him more than he loves you?
My point is if at this point he decides to tell you he cannot give you what you want but later reconsiders, which I think he will, then I would take him back.
You will not lose him, you started as friends, there is a human bond there. Do not be scared, you might have to go through a tough phase, but it will not be the last strike. If he has time to understand his feelings for you and if those feelings exist (and I think they are from what you described), he will be back.
In the meantime, as you withdraw, do not talk too much about your relationship. Let him digest things and come to some kind of a realization.
Don’t torture yourself with fear, look for funny jokes online. Watch comedies, force yourself to watch comedies. Let this fear go, acknowledge it and let it go. Believe that things will work out, and work out for the better.
Please let us know your developments. Keep us posted about your news. This is what this forum for, we all going through something, and while we are in a situation, we often can’t see things right, or can’t cope alone, so we support each other.September 17, 2015 at 5:56 pm #459076
Maria, Thank you! The experiences I’ve had in the past have truly shaped the person I am in the present.
SthrnBelle, Take things day by day and let us know how tings pan out for you. It sounds like you have been through so much. I sincerely hope you find more light at the end of this tunnel.September 18, 2015 at 2:21 am #459119
Thank you Maria and Khadija.
Sorry yes this was a bit of a novel.
You girls are very right, I came to the realization too that my fears were not due to him but may always be there to a certain extent because unfortunately my past is very heavy and people would have a very difficult time understanding and relating as fortunately most have not gone through that.So if I think of some of my fears and trauma, I may as well never date because n matter how hard I work on myself this much baggage is something a part of which will always remain.
That said I do feel that I have made tons of progress,I am afraid but capable of standing up for myself is already a good thing because at least I am not allowing men to step over me and only use me for my body or what is worse become obsessed with me in a sick way which is what has often happened to me. Perhaps because I was a victim I attracted men that were not healthy for a long time. And somehow men always related to me more with obsession, an extreme way of infatuation instead of normal love and sometimes even recently some do that even when I am not in a relationship with them.
This man seems to be a good person and acting very mature, he should be as he is quite a bit older than me but maturity does not necessarily equal age. With him I have found that I never really had to withdraw even though during the last month I have, which is actually not a good thing because I have lost some of my excitement towards the relationship and him and often I did not feel like responding to his texts or emails but would always answer the phone.
I do think this guy loves me, at least he certainly was in love with me, he has done things that I know he had never done. My question is whether this still is the same because I have felt changes and that was what I responded to with withdrawal as well.
Unfortunately, they are related to religion and lifestyle a lot,as well as reality sinking in, that to a person almost never home a relationship is really hard. He even told me the above were the reasons why he was hesitating even though he told me every time we were working towards a common future. I felt this seemed to be a dream and not an actual plan from him.
You are so right, while it would really hurt to lose him and you are right that it would lose to hurt him as a person who I am very close to, he has reason to be scared of losing me too and he has been because though fortunately he quit being jealous like he was a bit in the beginning, he seems to always make sure to remain in contact.
Well, again I wrote a novel and I write either early morning or late evening when I am tired so perhaps I am not making sense but I am trying. Ok, one more piece of information, this guy has not had a serious relationship in almost ten years, he was really traumatized by his divorce before that and now the things I am telling him resonate with him because his ex wife told him the same things, so I told him to start thinking about that if more than one person told him especially the only two women he had a more serious relationship with.
Thanks and I will update maybe on this thread as things proceed. I do agree about pulling away, problem is it is in part due to my feelings changing too and not in a good direction, we have to see if it can be repaired and I can believe in what we have again.September 18, 2015 at 9:49 am #459174
Belle – good to see you are feeling a little better, do post updates, from what I understand this situation is fixable. And I also hope your LDR has an end date.September 18, 2015 at 10:46 am #459182
Maria and girls in general too, so you say I should stop answering his calls too for a while?
I am heartbroken honestly but now thinking back even though there were many signs that he did love me, there were also those that showed that perhaps he did not love me enough and was in fact not really honest when he said he wanted us to tie our lives together. I even think this was a wish of his but he may be a dreamer and not a doer. I think of what brought on this long talk and I think I have good reasons to be concerned but may be wrong of course.
Unfortunately, I have not heard from him since. Now, if he was so into me perhaps he would be calling left and right to make sure that he makes it up to me. My best friend also thinks he did not love me enough and come on if I had been a priority he could have just taken a flight to spend a weekend with me where I am. There is truth to that.
OTOH; he booked a plane ticket for me to spend December holidays with him and we were planning on something for next month when all hells broke loose. I may be overthinking it and perhaps he is only thinking.
Last night I did surprisingly well and was able to sleep though woke up early morning a few times. Today has not been easy, pretty bad anxiety but not panic or anything, no inclination to write or anything just very sad and feeling betrayed so far. I will of course update you.
Thanks so much for caring. Was my original post very difficult to understand? I wonder why I do not get many responses from people when I always try to help on threads. Perhaps I do not write well enough in English.September 18, 2015 at 11:19 am #459192
I think you write very well. Your post are complex. They are not the simple is he interested, ghosting, fwb or any of that type of thing. I can assume that this may be the reason why some may not comment on them.
My suggestion would be to go do some relaxing things for yourself this weekend if possible.Operating in a place of anxiety and stress isn’t good for you at all. Take your mind off this for a while.September 18, 2015 at 11:29 am #459196
Thank you Khadija. I guess I know. I am a complex person with a complex past and perhaps I attract a few complex men.:))) Just the way it goes or perhaps those are the ones I choose.
Elusive boyfriend called before going off the phone for a day or so and he was well, quite elusive. No I love you-s or anything but you know I think by now I am too worked up due to friends telling me too if he loves you so much, why did he not fly to see you?
I am trying to remain patient. I am torn between whether he loves me enough or not, whether he wants to be with me or not, I know he does, on his own terms but now that we had the talk it is harder, he knows I will not compromise.
My life is stressful too so I did not need added stress but will try doing for myself this weekend but it was planned to be a relaxing weekend mostly and looking for an apartment. Will do that.
I hope the sadness and hurt goes away. I sometimes wish I had said nothing but I am not resenting it, we will see. I know that it is not just his choice but mine too.September 18, 2015 at 12:03 pm #459203
Belle – you situation is different, complex and unusual indeed, not ghosting or breakup, like K. said. Not many people will have experience to give advice.
Re not voicing your demands, yes, we all wish that, don’t we? But in the long run, it is better to find out sooner than later. Your fear seems to be under control, so you are doing better, and this is the main thing for now. One step at a time.
It is strange that he did not contact you, but if he does, maybe respond very kindly and sweetly to him, but I’d stay away from the relationships talk for a while, like a few weeks. It is not good to always talk about relationships. Try to make him feel good, joke, talk about something pleasant or something he likes. You need to “reset”.
I hope he calls soon. Do not call him yourself.
I am keeping an eye on this post, so do post updates for sure.September 18, 2015 at 2:22 pm #459255
Maria he did call but was very distant and elusive, no emotions and had to go very soon even though I was nice. For the last month this back and forth went on at least three times this is when we talk he promises things and I am superficial then and I feel that this has become a vicious cycle now With him not knowing whether he wants commitment as in moving together and me hurting like hell. I feel that though we have had so much depth something has changed for the worse and he has also said Some things in e-mail that hurt though that may have been overreacting. I thought of breaking up as our conversation pushed him further away while I thought these were things we had discussed and were clear but the things he had done for me on a personal level were so nice before the relationship that I could not do it. I would never call him when I hurt i withdraw. I blocked his Numbers to distance myself from a hurtful situation. Please Tell me if I should undo it as I am not sure this was the right thing to do.September 18, 2015 at 2:34 pm #459261
I am so sorry you are going through this right now! Especially after everything you’ve been through I really want you to find your happy ending and your soul mate. It sounds like he may be needing some time after your conversation to process everything and that may be why he’s distant. I would not block his number or ignore his calls. I have never been in a LDR but I do know all relationships require communication and a LDR requires even more! So cutting off all communication with him is not going to help the situation, it will only make things worse. At some point if he does break up or you feel the need to break up then no contact is the best way to go, but I find it very hurtful and counterproductive if you’re still in a relationship and you stop speaking. It sounds like you both need some time to think and consider the next step. Maybe just tell him you need some time to think about what he said and where this is going. If you talk to him right now in the emotional state you seem to be in it could just make things worse. Agree on a little break and set a time when both of you can talk and see where you are. Best of luck to you with this!September 18, 2015 at 2:36 pm #459263
Your posts are hard to break down. I still cant tell if something really serious happened here. If he was discussing religion in a way that the two of you might not be compatible, than that’s a fair issue. The two of you should discuss that, it matters as much to you as to him, because you are trying to figure out if you want a lifetime together. You shouldnt mix those conversations with feelings like ‘does he love me enough’. That’s not fair to him. So, because you give so much Intel on different important issues, its hard to narrow it down. After all, this is also just texting, not a real conversation. Take careSeptember 18, 2015 at 2:51 pm #459273
You already know you should dump this guy and so I am not going to repeat myself. Anyway, I did want to address one thing and it’s focusing on your past. Before I had done any kind of real professional therapy (I see a psychotherapist once a week for the better part of a year), I often used to think about my past a lot. Daily almost and it was really taking up a lot of my thought space and energy and it tended to dictate my daily mood. I too have a difficult childhood and abuse, abandonent in my past. With the help of my therapist I started to discover that I could talk about my difficult experiences with her and I had a scheduled time every week to do it. I started to see that the rest of the week I could focus on other things. Things that are more present. Things I need to focus on. My daily life which all in all is quite fun. When I think of my past I see it like it’s an old movie now, that is dear and watched too many times, but I don’t want to watch it anymore. My past does not define me anymore. I make my daily decisions from a fresh point of view and it is still me making these decisions.
I find I was somewhat attached to my bad experiences, there was a fear of letting go and developing a sense of confidence and dropping fear. It meant my life would never be the same.
I just wanted to share this experience with you. And how counseling can help..September 18, 2015 at 3:08 pm #459280
Belle, I am sorry you are going through this. First off, take a deep breath. You need to go get a massage girl! Please, please go pamper yourself this weekend. As far as your questions/issues, I have had both an LDR and had two LTR relationships (including my current BF) with men who were completely different religions than me and the issues were resolved. My current BF and I broke up several times due to family and religious issues, and now we are back and he’s more committed than ever. In the end, if there is true love, no one wants to let go of it just bc there is a difference in one area of your life.
Please don’t listen to negative comments about your BF that he should or shouldn’t do X,Y or Z if he really loved you. These are not helpful. What is helpful is for both you and your BF, in your own way, to process this. I think he needs some time and space. He will think about it and likely miss you and contact you. Please unblock him. Leave a path open for him. In the meantime, you need to feel good about yourself and ‘being okay’ without him. I have been where you are….you will get through this!September 18, 2015 at 3:24 pm #459287
Hi Southernbelle, I’m sorry you’re upset right now, I’m trying to read your thread to see if I can help but for some reason I don’t understand it or comprehend it very well, it’s sort of a bunch of thoughts running together I suppose is why.
you’re experiencing a lot of different feelings & thoughts – my suggestion right now is to simplify it all. That’s what I do & tell my friends to do when they’re going through a lot: simplify. Sort of like pros & cons only just list the things that are mainly wrong to get a more concise perspective on it all. This separates the emotions & fears out of the equation which cloud judgement & just get to the bottom line. So the main problems are the religion aspect that he expects you to conform to & you do not wish to? And he is acting gun-shy about moving in together now? I hope I got that right.September 18, 2015 at 3:34 pm #459290
I don’t have time to read all the posts here, and I’m not sure what happened based on what I’ve read. Have you broken up? If so why? If you haven’t broken up but this is all based on fear, then you need to work on your fear. I understand about fears, believe me! But they will ruin any good relationship. One of you will always be breaking up with the other and that’s painful.
I have abandonment issues too, and have had every kind of abuse imaginable as a child and into adulthood. I consider myself a survivor. But the result of these wounds is the fear of abandonment AND self-sabotage. (By that I mean I have a lot of thoughts about breaking up with my BF.) Not because anything is actually wrong, it’s just the thoughts in my head whenever something comes up where there could be a difference of opinion. It’s an extreme reaction for something small. But this is normal for folks in our type of position. The answer is in making ourselves whole again, not expecting others to make us feel better, or asking them to change.
Religion doesn’t have to affect compatibility. There are ways to work around it where you can both still practice your faith. I think you need to sit down and talk out the issues perhaps with a trusted spiritual guide? But of course you can’t do that if you block his number or won’t talk to him!September 18, 2015 at 3:35 pm #459292
I am glad that he called. But why block him? I agree with others, unblock him. Ask for some time to process things. This will give him a chance to miss you too. He has not done anything for you not to trust his feelings with him right? I mean when you open up to him he did not punch you in your vulnerable spots did he? Then why not be genuine. Tell him you that because of your past history you maybe too vulnerable and that you need time to process things. That he is very dear to you.
But whatever you do to say, do not discuss commitment with him. Men are not afraid of commitment, we all know that. Even if he was ready or willing this is not a good time to talk about it.
Take some time to think (a week) and then reset, restart with something nice and light and pleasant.
Keep us posted.September 18, 2015 at 3:37 pm #459295
Thanks very much guys. Kaye your post really touched me, you are very kind. It is strange that blocking his numbers really made me feel at peace, which may be telling me something. I feel that this last month it has not been a very healthy situation and put me through emotional turmoil I did not need.
Alia thank you very much, I have had therapy quite a few times but I did not find it so helpful, what I do find helpful the most is the internal work I have been doing which I really feel that made me grow big time and I am finally in a place where despite my hardships I am finding peace in myself having come to terms with things. It is just that my ex husband left me close to bankrupt and that I am going through a criminal trial right now, so there are heavy things. Why do you think I should dump him, the way he makes me feel lately? My friend is telling me the same thing, she said she was advocating for this relationship but now she thinks that it has become toxic.
Newbie how can I try to be more clear? I can try. With this guy it was a long-term business partnership and friendship or more that developed. Before meeting again we only met once but talked on the phone a lot and came to really like each other on a deep level, he did many things to help me start and restart.
He was very hesitant to start a relationship with anyone but finally came to see me and that was the end of it. He knew from the beginning that there was the religion issue which is very important to him and not me, BTW his ex wife had the same problem with it that he was forcing it on her too much. This was something we discussed last night along with other issues he told me.
How it started: He said he was in love with me and we met every two-three weeks and finally spent three weeks together when he introduced me to everyone; family, friends, etc., lived with some of them for that period and all went great. It was the time when after three months I said back that I loved him.
I left and everything was left hanging. He did not make plans to see me, did not seem so interested, except for making plans far away to tie me down and yes he called all the time but some of the romantic stuff stopped, ok this can go back and forth, we discussed things a couple of times when he always said we were to be together. But often he said things that contradicted that he wanted us to live together despite him always seemingly caring about me.
This week he raised a trust issue about me that was very hurtful to me along with the religion issue, as well as got upset at me over something that was not my fault and he should have checked out and almost yelled at me over the phone. It was scary to me, yelling along with signs of potential controlling behavior, these are what made me thinking this is not good.
So these were red flags to me along with him being wishy washy and not trying to solve this situation. If he loved me so much, he could have just gotten a ticket and come and see me too, this was what my friend told me.
I feel that I am not a priority and I have other concerns. Breaking contact with him may be next to impossible because of the other ties we have. This is hard. I am also not sure if I am overreacting.
Perhaps Kaye was right that I should give it time that we can both think things over and even if I fear a bad end from him I should not react by blocking his numbers. I always said that was childish but unfortunately when I feel that I am real hurt and tried resolving the situation and it did not work, I often pull away, at least for a while.
Thanks so much everyone! I truly appreciate your help and caring, really I do. And sorry if I can be confusing. Emotions are very difficult to write about and recapping events is not easy either.September 18, 2015 at 3:38 pm #459296
correction – not to trust YOUR feelings with him, meaning you can tell him how you feel honestly without being afraid that he will hurt you.September 18, 2015 at 3:48 pm #459302
Wow, some very helpful comments girls!
Yes Maria I have told him exactly those things but I think now he feels obligated to give an instant answer which I did not expect either. I told him that he was important and that I was vulnerable, he knows these things and understands them but I think he is afraid that he will not make me happy. He is going through an internal fight I think and this may not have helped but I also did not want to stretch out an LDR too much if there was no chance as I am almost 40.
Ashley I am so sorry I wrote first when I was very upset and scared. I think the situation is complicated too, I just hope that I am more clear when I try to help others. Sometimes I write very fast due to lack of time too. Maybe I am not a good writer?:))) Yes, simply I do love him, I do think he loved me, I feel he is basically a good man and we all have issues. I think I should be more patient or should have been more patient.
Greenie thanks I tried to recap above, I always love your posts. Not yet on breakup, he got me a ticket for December and we were planning on October before the issues erupted. Perhaps my antennas are up too fast due to past trauma.
Jessica and everyone your posts were very encouraging. I am so happy you wrote Jessica, I am sure you can relate and advise. I will unblock him but at this point not sure if it will help and I feel guilty for having this discussion but last night he really calmed me down about it, only tonight he was distant but also in a hurry, this can happen normally too but rarely.
Thanks again!!!September 18, 2015 at 3:59 pm #459309
Thanks Maria ok this makes sense, it is difficult for me to do, so far when it happened, I was first scared and after a few days he was making small changes as I was no longer talking about the issues. I pulled away.
This has been the heaviest conversation though and not sure he feels that he can fulfill my wishe, i.e. solving the LDR situation, I said I would be patient of course but would like to see work on it from his part, which I have not seen even he said he wanted to work it out.
Again thanks now I need to give attention to other girls in need.:)))September 18, 2015 at 4:00 pm #459310
you always write wonderful advice :)
my vibe is that you’re holding on to him because you feel like he is the only one for you that you’ve been interested in etc but from my perspective it may have reached its expiration date? I agree with your friend that this does have a toxic feel to it at this point. it just feels *not good* like this relationship is no longer in your best interest. To me it feels like the honeymoon is over & he is getting more “realistic” about your relationship – maybe he feels it’s no longer what he wants to the point where he wants to move mountains? & perhaps the difference in religion means a lot to him. Some people are flexible about religion stuff & others want their partner 100% into it. I feel at this time this man is not showing that he wants you enough plus all of the stress you are feeling.. maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship right now? based on what you’ve shared about him lately, it seems to me continuing to be with him will bring you more pain, if this continues the way it’s been recently..