This topic contains 169 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by SthrnBelle 5 years, 11 months ago.
September 30, 2015 at 5:25 am #462675
Time will tell. I think we miscommunicated a lot and I misunderstood him. I have tried what Jessica suggested and you know what it really worked. Playing always by the rules is not good especially because not all men and situations are created equal. He really felt sad I had never called him and so I did this morning and he was so very happy and reacted to it totally differently than where I let things slip. I accused him of things that were not true because of miscommunication due to distance, I had to go back in time and remember who this person is. It is not that he does not want to commit but he cannot yet as we are not rich to just move in together. Never knew LDR will be so hard and time will be the judge if it works or not but we really love each other and that does not come around very often. He has the best effect on me when we are together, it is like I feel no stress at all and I can let go. I have to remind myself that real love is patient and understanding and forgiving, never hasty and not get worked up right away and expect the worst. I have to also allow myself to open up and not always expect the other person to do everything. I was a bit too harsh. Not good either. Rules work mostly but there are times when you really just have to let go and go by what you are feeling. Otherwise you never enjoy anything and every once in a while a man needs to be encouraged too. I am sure that this will be a very rocky road but I cannot agree that this is an unhealthy relationship and unhappy. There has to be a solution to solve the LDR but if I have no patience, no relationship will work.September 30, 2015 at 6:53 am #462691
You should expect 3 basic things from your partner (and he should expect the same from you) – that he loves you, wants to be with/spend time with you, and that he’s there for and supports you.
I’m sure you both could change for the better in many ways, but do you even have the base that I mention above?
You seem to have a lot of obstacles in your relationship (like religion, the distance, money etc), obstacles that wouldn’t/shouldn’t matter if you love and want to be with someone.
(In other words, what I’m trying to tell you is that you can’t build something solid on a shaky ground)…September 30, 2015 at 7:39 am #462697
I am glad that what I said helped. Sometimes being soft is good – with the right guy. A not so right guy will take advantage of that, but you always have your power to walk away. I do think your BF is a good guy that will respond to this – but always remember, its not a game, you need to come from a place of strength (the strength in yourself, in knowing that you can get through anything in your life) and trust (in him, that he wants to be with you and has good intentions – because he has demonstrated this). If you believe this, you can always be patient and kind with won’t overreact from a place of fear.
Emma, She has all three of these things. Just because he CAN’T spend time with her does’t mean he doesn’t WANT to be with her. I think she’s indicated many things where he’s been there for her. I think she knows that he has many things in his life that are pulling him in all directions. He was brought her into his life. He seems to have very good intentions.
You don’t always fall in love with someone who is from the same background and there will be challenges in a relationship like this. Setting yourself up for failure is to set unrealistic expectations. I hope you aren’t saying that if everything isn’t perfect from the beginning then it isn’t love. Because you can love someone perfectly, but not always know how to deal with all situations perfectly from the start. Not everyone can live near each other, have the same religion, all the time in the world, all the money they need and know how to deal perfectly with everything from the start – and comes to the relationship in this perfect state – this is just reality – what matters is someone’s love, intentions and commitment to you. If you love each other, you figure it out. You are basically saying to her that if everything isn’t perfect, she should walk away. That is an immature way of thinking. That is also seeing a relationship as what YOU can GET out of it. You can’t have a true partnership and lasting relationship if you are always expecting, taking and not giving. If a man loves you, its okay to be patient with him! He will love you all the more for it.September 30, 2015 at 10:09 am #462719
No, I’m not saying if it’s not perfect it’s not love, or if it’s not perfect she should walk away.
No, you won’t have a good relationship if you’re always expecting, taking and not giving… and that’s why I said that what she expects of him, he should also expect of her.
And that is also why I ASKED HER if she feels that they have a solid base in their relationship. I asked because 1. their relationship doesn’t seem solid to me, and 2. she was about to end it via email a day ago.
And I have another question (for BELLE) – do you and this guy have any future plans for your relationship? At all?September 30, 2015 at 1:23 pm #462793
Thanks both of you. Jessica you again said some wonderful things. You are right that I struggle with trust a lot due to my past but so does he and the right balance has to be found where I am not going to the other extreme where I am never reaching out to him. Sometimes men can appreciate that as well. In the past, in the beginning a couple of times I emailed him and it really touched him.
In the last ten days something was broken and I realized that from the times we spent together how he would stress all day if he felt that he was not making me 100 % happy and how I was able to ease that which is why I was going to email him and now after talking I called him.
What is hard for me is having faith and trust.
Emma I was not going to end it in an email, I did not share the email over here, the email was actually telling him all the positives he did for me and we shared and how I missed that and wanted to see if it can be repaired.
We both distanced ourselves, which was a hard spot to be in but he was still trying a little more to reach out and I realized that some things I said were really unfair and that sometimes there is a place for an apology for those things I was wrong about.
Emma, yes the three things are there. The only person my colleague that met him really likes him and thinks that it is obvious how much he loves me and that he is a very honest person with a lot of integrity and respect for others but also high expectations for that in others. I am the same way. We are very compatible, we are just fighting really hard obstacles.
I know that he loves me or he would not have said the Tel Aviv story either, he has a hard time saying it also because I touched on sensitive points that hurt him but he would not have said this in tears and said that he did not want to lose me had he not had feeling and even when I did not realize I had hurt him he was trying. This was one.
Two, he wants to spend time with me as much as he can, sadly he cannot more. His trip to Europe was cancelled by his company end of August after our three week stay together at his home with his family. HE wanted me to be there for so long, I was originally going to spend one week. His company cancelling on him meant he had to cancel his vacation with his children too who are the world to him. He planned to come to Europe sooner but again they did not allow him. Other years it was different but he is a worldwide manager and the owners are pulling the strings on his travels. It is a matter of luck that he is now coming to my area and travelling further to meet me so we take a five days business/vacation and he risks business secrets doing part with me and then we visit some of his friends too. He also bought me a plane ticket for Christmas to his home for ten day. Unfortunately,in the beginning we both had more money and I was able to travel more too, which is not possible now on my own money or his and his company only pays business trips of course.
Three he did a lot for me, he trusted me with very high value items for the business which were his inheritance and is sending other things and we are not talking dimes. No papers. Trust based only. It was to help my business too-. He bought me my favorite wine he remembered what it was a few weeks after I left, just little things that he does but very nice things regardless. He always buys me what I love to eat and he is very nervous about preparing everything right so I am not unhappy. What stresses him out the most is if he cannot make me happy, i.e., spending enough time with me.
Re: solutions, this is the hardest. Even though we have known each other for almost two years, we have only been together close to 5 months and only met four times although for longer times. I cannot expect him to be absolutely positive about living with me. He said he wants to be with me forever but he is scared and wants to see things develop further, where I have truth also is that if we cannot meet enough that is tough but we can see if feelings deepen even more. He has been going back and forth where he wants me to move I can tell and then unsure and back.
There are so many obstacles, firstly neither one of us is rich, I am after a terribly draining divorce. We work with very high value items but I am also not ready to sell my whole business and am really low on cash, same with him. He has two difficult adult children to support. Business in general is not so good and of course he cannot make as much today as he did before. I would have to find a job where I move and question how when he travels all the time and which place to choose. We have to see.
Religion is the other serious problem, if not the most serious. I have to fit in this world in some way, perhaps I can but I may have a lot to do. His whole business is revolving around religion, he cannot damage his reputation. I think he is willing to risk this somewhat even, he would not care but he is somewhat tied.
I cannot give you full answers only what I can so far derive from our phone conversations, I know he wants to talk in person, which we failed to do while living together for 3 weeks. He did not plan not to see me and I got really upset when it turned out that way.
Ashley suggested that it is good to be alone or she likes it, I do too but I am also a very highly social person and love company. I have a lot of friends but all over the world, not so many local, I travel to see my friends a lot too. But companionship is different. I felt like a different person after we lived together for 3 weeks, his presence was very soothing and calming. I never expected this, I noticed it before but before I considered this a fun experience and it became so much more, a very deep level of connection.
Because we are so deeply connected, I think we would terribly miss each other and it is worth the risk, every risk involves the possibility of terrible heartache and the possibility of happiness. So far the former has been true for me but I cannot start out thinking negatively.
Jessica, I think you never finished the end of the bliss, your story really touched me.October 2, 2015 at 6:54 am #463329
After reading your post I wonder if there is a place for you in his life. I get the feeling that he’s happy the way things are (seeing you once in awhile on holidays etc).
You said he’s not sure if he wants you to move or not.
And you spent 3 weeks together, but saw very little of each other and talked even less.
I’m sorry, but I don’t see this going anywhere, I think you cling to this man because you have a connection. Connections are great, but 1. you can’t build a relationship on a connection alone, and 2. he’s not the only guy in the world you can have a connection with.
Are you open to meeting other guys? If not, you should consider it. Life/time is precious… so make sure you don’t waste it.October 2, 2015 at 12:35 pm #463403
You may be misunderstanding me or perhaps some confusing things were said earlier in this thread. We have had a real connection for a year and a half prior to the relationship when he also did a lot of things for me as well as thereafter. Like I said this man shared so much with me that you do not expect from family members, then I had to realize it was also my fault for not trusting him, those are my inner demons sadly.
To clarify I spent three weeks with him one time at his home with his family and not sure why you understand it like we spent little time together? We spent the entire time together and of course we always talked a lot, one thing I love about him is communication.
We also met I think 3-4 other times in the relationship for five days each Time. We talk practically daily, he has shared just about everything about his life with me, I know things about him that only one person knows in the world besides me, so yes we talk a lot and this is one thing I really love besides the obvious chemistry and love.
He is also a person of character, very honesty and sensitive. I think one problem is that it is planted in girls’ heads that this and that guy is not interested in you and it could not be farther from the truth in his case.
Honestly I think I needed to let go of pushing or that feeling within me because after 5 months it is simply not feasible yet that we move together but not because he does not want to. He has told me that he would like to spend his life with me and be with me forever but that we must be patient.
It is not vacations, I am the first woman he has introduced to his family since his divorce 13 years ago and also to all business partners and friend and we work together too. You may not understand that in this field you simple do not date a business parnter like me and he actually made that public very carefully and was happy to share with everyone. HE was the one that wanted me to meet everyone, his family members and everyone else, he was so proud to introduce me and I lived with his son too for 3 weeks. He almost cried when he thought of losing me, he was in tears I heard it on the phone, I simply misunderstood him.
I understand him now, I let go and relaxed, he has to lead, I have to make him feel that yes he can make me happy because it stresses him out the most if he feels that he cannot. It feels great and things are great as they used to be. I feel liberated from expectations. I do not think he has yet to ask me to move there, not enough time. We have to see if we can make it work but it certainly will not happen by me pushing.
BTW, yes he definitely wants me living with him but we have many official things, finances are not the easiest, there is the religion thing, these issues we will talk about when we meet in ten days or so.
I had to see that the way I had guys go crazy for me was because I did not care, hence I was relaxed. This has to be within me, I have to internalize it. We shall see and I am sure hardships will ensue but working on myself is the most important.
Well, the one thing they tell you is that you feel it when a person really loves you and he does. My friend that met him tell me the same thing. I simply cannot allow this little devil be planted in my head that a man that has done and tries to do so much for me but is restricted by things he cannot help, does not care and will not care about me. I cannot allow it. I let that ruin some good relationships already and in the bad ones I was relaxed and of course the guys were all over me. I set the pace and dynamics, after all a woman can do a lot to lead the relationship without actually seeming to lead it.
Where are you Jess? I was looking forward to the rest of your stories badly.:)))October 2, 2015 at 12:40 pm #463405
Since I started my thread with the title Feeling Very Scared I told him too when I wrote to him the one text and called him THE only time during the relationships that fear is the worst advisor. If you want to be happy, you cannot let fear overtake, rule you and ruin you, your life, your future possibilites and your relationship and not only because this person does seem to genuinely love me. Even if he did not, by allowing fear to overtake, I will never stand a chance for a happy relationship and happiness in life in general-. I will have enough time to worry if I get bad news. Fear is my biggest demon that I have to defeat. It is not about him. It is about me, it is my battle and not his.October 2, 2015 at 4:28 pm #463538
Belle, I’m sorry, I didn’t abandon you! I actually posted a comment for you and wrote out my story twice and tried to post it here the night before last, then saw that it didn’t post and then again yesterday but it didn’t post then either (on a different computer). I actually thought maybe there is a limit on the number of posts in each thread, until I saw yours and Emma’s today. So I’m testing whether this posts. Maybe my posts were too long? IDK. I will try and post, or put on my own thread (my BFs family is coming on Sunday and I’m freaking out a bit).October 2, 2015 at 4:52 pm #463553
Ok so it worked this time. I will post a little bit now. First, here is a quote that I love that I think is a very good one for you:
Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backwards.
– E.E. Cummings
The entire poem is truly beautiful as well. It’s a cryptic poem, but I believe it’s about trusting your heart and trusting that if you act out of love, all will be good – even if the world spins backward. I’m glad you got control over your fears and began to trust yourself and your BF.
Now for a little bit of my story, but I am only going to write a little, just in case this doesn’t work again.
The past two years have been very complicated and confusing for me. It started out with heartbreak – a result of my ex and I realizing that being in an LDR marriage long term was just not doable – and then being ‘put on a lifeboat’ by him so I could find happiness and a man who could be there for me. It took me a while to realize that what my ex did was the ultimate sacrifice – and that he loved me immensely, and still does, to be able to do that. Even though I was angry at him at the time for taking away my choice, I understand now and love him all the more for it. I also realize that he was right. All the longing and suffering through such a relationship in the long term, would not be good for either one of us. He is a really good man.
I took a few months off of love to get my heart in a place where I could even be open to someone else. My heart literally hurt every day, there is a reason why it is called heart ache, and the physical pain was stinging. By the start of summer, I was feeling a little better. I requested that my ex Facetime with me so that I could tell him ‘in person’ that I was going to start dating. We hadn’t seen each other in three months. He was very sweet to me, we had a great discussion, he missed me and told me I was beautiful, but the decisions hadn’t changed. I was going forward with dating, albeit kicking and screaming. One day, sitting with my best friend by the pool, I read an article about a girl going on four blind dates. The best one was with a guy she met online and with whom she dated for a month, so right then and there I loaded the app that I had never previously heard of (no dating experience for the previous 18 years, it had only been my ex-husband and my ex-BF). What fun! Swiping and liking or X-ing on the guys’ faces that appeared on my phone. It was really kind of a joke. Then I saw a gorgeous guy’s face and suddenly there was a guy that I hoped liked me back. And he did, and asked for my number and called me later that day. He asked me out for dinner and we met later that week. After dinner, he said that he didn’t want to end the date and could I go out later – so we went to a nearby casino and nightclub and walked around while he asked me a ton of questions about myself, and for every one, I asked for his answer too. I told him that I was looking for a man that I could find true love with and that I would never settle for anything but just that, true love. He told me he was looking for that too and was ready for marriage. It was a really great date – especially since it was my first blind date ever.October 2, 2015 at 4:58 pm #463562
Jess is it ok if I call you that or you prefer Jessica?
When your posts do not go through it is because you are using banned words here, there have been mentions of that, it has happened to me too. Certain words trigger the spam filters.
I will read your post in a sec.
It is hard for me to believe what Emma is saying, I do not think that a strict ortodox guy would introduce me to anyone unless he was really serious.
I think I got fears from my past abusive relationships creep into my brain and then acted irrational and needy.
I think frustration got the best of me, this darn LDR thing. Only time will tell how we can solve the problems and difficulties because it is really hard with him being pulled on strings by his company and if at least one of us was rich, it would be much easier but whatever value we own, we need it in our companies too.October 2, 2015 at 5:07 pm #463569
Your ex is like my BF in many ways, I always thought it was lack of love but I understand it is sacrifice. My BF has loved me from the beginning and he has several times said about certain issues that he understands if I leave and I knew this would hurt him but I told him he does not love me if he can say that. He has even said this about the LDR. Because he did not see a solution right now and said he does not want to add to my stress.
Then of course he tried I think to make the sacrifice but just could not because he got really emotional at the end even on the phone, he used to always be careful not to cry but the way he talked I finally realized how deeply he loves me.
I was angry. I said it was playing games if he does not want to live with me right now. This really hurt him as I realized that many things were not under his control.
The first time was over the children issue and I slammed the door on him at the hotel without saying anything except that he did not love me and I went downstairs to get some drinks. Later I went back and he was acting weird like distant and he told me then after I jokingly asked why he was acting so funny that he did not want me to think he was using me. It is not just that he does not want children but it is that he may not be able to because he had had cancer in his thirties and his son after this was born with problems and is still very problematic at this age, so I can understand.
I felt that if I could make this sacrifice then he can make sacrifices for me too and I know he is already, a lot actually, with his company, he risked his job for me. His job is his whole existence.
You are a very level-headed and rational and calm woman to be able to take this from your ex. Was there never any option that you guys move together and go from LDR to living together? Your story is one of ever-lasting love and it breaks my heart. I think that one day he will realize what a mistake he made but it may be too late then.
Of course you can continue. I think we can really relate.October 2, 2015 at 10:54 pm #463682
I agree that I don’t think he’s just playing with you. Think about this…you are not convenient. Guys usually play with girls who are too convenient. You are the opposite…he needs to make an effort to see you. And he is. And I agree, an orthodox guy wouldn’t introduce you if he wasn’t serious. I think you just need to continue and not let fear get the best of you again.October 3, 2015 at 12:35 am #463701
My ex and I had no choice…there was no option to live together, at least not before 2023. He was right to do what he did. I wasn’t exactly rational at the time – I dealt with it as best as I could, but I was a mess. He was too, in his own way – retreating into work. He became a mess later (I haven’t gotten to that part yet). They always have a delayed reaction. Even though, he knew what he needed to do from the beginning, he didn’t experience the full loss until he knew I was with someone else.
What are the banned words by the way? If you know. I will try and avoid them. I will look around and see if I can figure that out.
Anyway, to continue with my tale….so me and the guy I met online continued to date. I was hesitant to pursue anything physical because I had only been with my ex-husband and ex-BF in the previous 18 years and was reserving this for someone really special – who I really loved. It was hard because I was so attracted to him and he was clearly attracted to me, it was palpable. But he was so respectful of me – I liked that about him. Before long, he asked me to be his GF and told me he was removing his profile.
Even though we really liked each other, had similar goals, views and lifestyles, there were things that soon became apparent that may be obstacles. I was older than him, he was from another country and, I soon found out, a different religion. He assured me that none of these were problems for him, even that a few in his family had intermarried. We talked about children and the possibility that I, being older, may have a difficult time with this, if it was possible. I had gotten pregnant no problem before – almost too soon – so I had a good chance, but nothing is ever for sure. He was okay with that too – though I guessed that no matter what he said, at some point he would want kids, for sure. He had just been very focused on his career up until that point. We are very affectionate with each other and we talked a lot about the future.
There came a point where he talked to his parents about me, I know now that they were against him marrying anyone older and outside his culture. They wanted to introduce him to a girl from his country. He didn’t want to, but I think he realized that his parents approval, that he desperately wanted, was going to be very difficult. He was afraid to tell me these things – he knew my past with this issue and I think he was afraid I would run for the hills. I felt a shift from him. He began to act hot and cold with me. He was obviously having second thoughts about us. Then he lied to me about something very stupid – and acted distant at times, and other times would be telling me that he wished he met me as soon as he moved here 15 years earlier – that he would have married me right away. Still, I felt like he wasn’t sure this was going to work and they lying really upset me. I wanted to break up with him – but he asked for forgiveness and told me how much he loved me. For about six months, he spend a lot of time with me – pretty much every day that he could, unless he was working a night shift. When we were together, we were very affectionate and sweet to each other and would have a great time together. Still he continued with the hot and cold behavior. He would tell me he was going to introduce me to friends and then didn’t (I did meet a few) – things like that – and I just felt he was still unsure. I broke up with him because I really didn’t want to settle. He admitted that he needed to figure out if this was possible but told me that he really loved me. SO, I started dating. I dated a little – one guy was really nice but I just wasn’t into him enough. Then my BF called me again – and asked me to go to dinner with him. We talked and had a great dinner – he told me he really thought I was amazing and he thought about me everyday. He was still trying to figure out where he was going to end up working after his residency – though there were lots of high paying jobs he could take just about anywhere. We went out a few times until I cut it off – letting him know what I cared about him but that I wanted to get remarried and wanted true love. So I threw myself into work – my new job was in its busy time and there was lots of excitement, thankfully.
A few months later, he contact me and said he needed to talk to me. He asked if we could meet for dinner. I agreed. The night before we were supposed to meet, he called me and asked if he could stop by. I said what about tomorrow, he said we are on for tomorrow but he was in the area tonight. When he came over, eh told me that he had thought about me every single day that we hadn’t spoken and that he had questions for me. He had reserved a lot in the development down the street and taken a job at a hospital in the area. He told me that he really loved me and had to ask me some things tomorrow. I said we could talk then. So the next day, he told me there were a few things he wanted to clarify that he needed if we were to get married, and wanted to see how I felt about them. I told him I needed a few days to think about things. So I did. I felt like he was genuine – and I still loved him very much. So I called him and he came over to talk. I gave him my answers and he told me that his parents would need to accept his decision. He asked me not to date and we said good night. And then I didn’t hear from him. I texted him a week later saying, so I haven’t heard from you, should I take it to mean that I should start dating? He replied that his parents wanted grandchildren and he needed to make his decision without pressure and that he loved me. I thought his response was pretty messed up and I felt very set up – so I responded that I take back all my answers, that I was going to start dating and that he could go forward with no pressure – take care. I was very upset – so I started dating and tried to forget about him. I figured, it shouldn’t be this hard.
A short time later, I met a guy who was literally perfect for me and who I admired so much – who was visiting family near me – he was really into me from the beginning – he introduced me to his family on our second date and said he had a good feeling about us. But I found out that he would be leaving in a few weeks to work overseas for a year. It figured! He wanted me to come visit him before he left and to keep in touch afterwards. This guy is a whole other tale.
Anyway, back to my BF. Almost six weeks later, he started blowing up my phone. He sent me dzs of roses. It was only after he had called me a bunch of times and stopped by my house, that I finally answered. He said he needed to see me. So I told him he could come back so we could talk. He told me that he wanted us to be together, that he loved me so much and knew I was the one for him. He said we would be the happiest couple on earth. I said that he had disappeared for over a month and that I didn’t know how I felt about him any longer….he asked if I would let him show me how much he loved me and learn to trust him – that he was serious about me, that he knew I would love him again. I had prayed to G-d for this very moment – and now it was coming true.
I am falling asleep right now – so i will finish the rest tomorrow.October 3, 2015 at 2:35 am #463715
You said: “Not sure why you understand it like we spent little time together.” – Because you said: “I know he wants to talk in person, which we failed to do while living together for 3 weeks. He did not plan not to see me and I got really upset when it turned out that way.”
You said: “BTW, yes he definitely wants me living with him.” – I’m not so sure about that… you said earlier: “He has been going back and forth where he wants me to move I can tell and then unsure and back.”
I think you need to talk to him and sort things out. And it’d be a good idea to focus on the following:
– Future plans. A LDR relationship without future plans is pretty much domed. (And “we must be patient” is NOT a future plan, it borders on stringing you along).
– A time limit. Are you gonna wait for this man for the rest of your life? How much time is OK for you to waste?
Also, “the children issue”, please think long and hard about this… and ask yourself if it’s something you will regret one day. I’m saying this because a woman who does not want kids, doesn’t see that as if she’s making a sacrifice.
Last, I don’t think fear is your problem. I think you’re unable to see your situation clearly and for what it is. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but you should definitely think about the things I have mentioned… and talk to him… and make important decisions for your future.October 3, 2015 at 8:35 am #463766
Emma, I see what you mean.
At that point in time we have only been together three months, I mean when we spent three weeks together living together with his children and everyone. He was obviously very serious to do this. Also the above that Jessica and I talked about, all the introductions HE forced.
Then, I was shocked and felt let down because the three weeks were great, we handled not a small amount of stress really well together. I was shocked he did not ask about moving together. But I realized there has to be a lot to be worked out if we can work them out and that it was perhaps too early. I have no idea, you may say that he does not love me enough, I just think that sometimes men need more time even if they love someone, we can only see what WILL happen.
Now I know it is because of reality, this is the hardest, we have to talk about how it would be feasible. Obviously, while he let me in on every other area of his life and his soul, he was afraid to tell me what may be problems in the future just so he does not lose me.
Then, reality hit, I started pushing, by pushing I mean we had the conversation like three times total in two months due to my frustration. I now see that it was probably too early to force the issue and that we are both scared on a certain level, and also I ignored the fact of his lifestyle.
Yes, these are issues we need to sort out but it is tough as when we meet we are both afraid to bring up problems so we do not ruin what we have but this is not a good idea. But I am certainly not going to force a talk,I need to let go and relax. This man has solved many problems about the future already and I need to trust him that he will if he really wants to. If he has to fight his doubts and fears nothing wrong with that either and I would rather HE is the one that really wants it than me pushing and pushing him away thereby.
Oh, yeah I see clearly and that is also something that scares me as sometimes love does not conquer it all. And oh yeah I am scared to death of love, if you read about my past and what I have gone through as far as traumas, then you may be able to understand. I am a multiple times abused person, molested, crime survivor, then of course it becomes really tough to trust.
I am not sure about kids as I have said. I have no idea because of my history of miscarriages if I can even have a child, I am certainly not throwing someone away for the same. Then I will choose to lead a life of freedom with travels and business doing what I love. What I do is my passion anyhow. Yes, people are shocked when I say this because oftentimes they have told me a woman with your genes, it is a huge mistake not to have the genes pass on. I am not sure.
Also at close to 40 if I dump this man I may never find someone I want to have a child with on time. It is just not so easy for me to be interested in men. Sure I can and have dated many which lead to my complete disinterest or I have had a couple of psychos. I finally find someone that I think is a good person,the type of man that I have always wanted in my life and then I am not going to throw that away right away. It took us one and a half years to decide to be in a relationship. Obviously it was not meant to be games. So I try to hope and hope can be a good thing.
Anyhow I am going to read what Jessica wrote. I cannot really seriously tell you more about this until we have talked. I can only tell you that this guy told me twice that he wants to be with me forever. And believe me he meant it, he does not say things easily. It is just the how-s. Again I have to see what he says but I am not going to push anything anymore as that obviously did not work. You have to let them set the pace or run but I choose not to run.
Emma he is not the type of person who would intentionally string me along, then he would rather tell me as it is and let me go if he felt that he was not serious. Of course I can still end up hurt but there is always that risk.
I understand your rational thinking but if you only think rationally, you will never find someone whom you can truly love. I cannot choose a partner based on only rational thinking, it does not work and he was already largely a rational choice based on personality compatibility.October 3, 2015 at 9:05 am #463773
Wow Jessica, you have not had it easy either with all these difficult situations; religion problems, LDR, guys not settling down despite loving you! This story about your BF, well, I tell you they always come back when you have finally given up on them and they cannot understand how hard it is for us to start things again especially if you feel that they have gone back and forth so much that by now you have pretty much lost the trust which is an essential part of love working between two people. And I totally agree that men always have delayed reactions, most do not really know for sure what they want until they think they have completely lost you. But sometimes I think this is not ideal, that we would want someone who just knows, yet most are not like that. Then of course you and I have much in common, we are complex people who are drawn to complex people. So this BF is not Jewish then? I also cannot remember, I thought that you had children already, correct? So in your case it would be easy not to but BF does want kids for sure. Wow, that is always a tough one, also the guy being younger.
I do keep having the feeling that it is your ex that is meant for you but I could of course be wrong. I just keep wondering, hey 2013 is not so far ROFL, ok I know this was a bad joke but really I wish he had pulled his sh*t together. You have really given this new BF a lot of chances too and I am very curious to see the ending.
My best friend also broke up with her BF many times by the time he actually asked her to marry him, I was in the middle of the whole fiasco as I was the one making their engagement ring. So I was the mediator between the two parties. In my opinion it may not work out at the end because they are just completely incompatible. It is not that he did not commit for three years, it is that they are like fire and ice. We can only see. I think my friend played it well that she got him to commit at the end and he never cheated really or done anything wrong but the problem there is the personality issues.
Dumping guys seem to work well sometimes but I sure wish it was not necessary.I am afraid I have to end up doing that with my BF sometimes to get him to commit, the time has not come yet to do it but also I truly wish he decided to go ahead without my having to do that and both of us suffering as a result. I am not ready anyhow, this last time I almost did break up with him, I developed an ulcer and I would like to have things settled in my life before I make choices about my private life. Talk later, hope you slept well.October 3, 2015 at 9:49 am #463779
Yes it hasn’t been easy with him – but it really wasn’t that he didn’t know that he wanted to be with me – I actually asked him last night about this – when did he know? He knew right away – I was not what he would have been looking for on paper and he had pretty much written American women off, but he went on one last date….and met me. The problem wasn’t how he felt about me – it was how he handled the situation with his family and how he explained things to me. He wasn’t a good communicator and he still isn’t great about certain things but I know him better now and he’s more open with me about his feelings. He can be very open and expressive – practically thinks out loud with me. But he’s not as torn now because he can tell his parents he tried to meet others, he did what they asked, but it was only me that he wants.
I am still wondering how he’s going to handle this when they get here – their presence will put any potition they take directly in his face. He is planning on introducing me to them over coffee as the woman he’s interested in for marriage. Not as his gf, that would not go over well. This is what is done and what will be best. It will be a few days after they get here.
Hopefully all goes well. They are coming tomorrow.October 3, 2015 at 10:36 am #463791
I didn’t mean that you should have a talk to push him, you should have a talk to find out if you’re on the same page.
He may very well love you, but does he love you enough to make it work – that’s what you wanna find out.
And for god’s sake DON’T “dump him to get him to commit”, cause that will never end well. Dump a guy (and move on) because you’ve lost interest, you’re not compatible or he doesn’t treat you well, and for no other reason.
Good luck tomorrow Jessica!October 3, 2015 at 11:45 am #463797
Yes Emma I agree not to dump a guy to get him to commit. My bf and I broke up bc I could not go on with him in the current state and had lost hope that we would work it out. Sometimes it does happen when you let go before things get bad and before there are resentments, that you can ultimately work it out and figure out how to handle any differences and go forward. Sometimes you just need time.
Belle, I also think Emma’s point about children is a good one and I said this before. You really need to think about this part. What happens if you decide you want children? Just bc you have a history of miscarriage doesn’t mean you cannot. You also have time – ppl have kids into their 40s. If you are with someone who absolutely doesn’t want children, then you are stuck. This is something to really consider.
Thank you for the good wishes Emma – the meeting won’t happen right away – they will need a few days to recover from their traveling and so he can get them used to the idea. He’s a little nervous about this but I think now he’s so sure about me that it helps.
Have a great Saturday ladies!October 3, 2015 at 12:02 pm #463802
I agree girls, I was going to dump him because I felt that I had it at the time but then I realized that I was really impatient.
The reason I do not want to force a talk at all now and I know he will want to talk is because I really do not want to push the issue and ruin our time together. He has always said that we were on the same page, the patience part was because honestly we really need to work on things so we can make it happen. If he had not wanted me to live with him or at least test the waters, he never would have brought me to live with him and his kids.
I agree the child issue was one I considered breaking up over. But then I just knew that knowing how fast I am in developing feelings for men and how many I have found that I could truly love, I may not find another one until I am 50! Seriously, I dated so many men in my life and I loved three men really, one when I was 19, then 35 and then him. There were only really rotten apples in between and my second love, who was my biggest was a real j*rk too.
I am feeling sort of helpless when it comes to his children issue. I went back and forth about this during my life. There were times I really wanted children and then totally rejected the idea, then back to really wanting and now I basically have absolutely no idea but I am leaning towards not wanting one. Seriously. That said my heart yearns for a baby. I cannot figure out my feelings on this.
The other option is to find a man to have a child with and become a single mom, yes I have considered this too, that if he does not want one I just try anyhow and raise my own child and not tell him, I know that this sounds really crazy but he is scared of children. He has issues and he is older and his issues are not light and he does not want to be irresponsible.
Wow Jessica, this is really exciting but yikes scary too. I have a real problem with guys letting their family have a say but my relationship with my ex fiancee went South largely due to his family as well, in that case his son’s jealousy. I think you will do just fine and you are such a relaxed and easygoing person that I cannot imagine a bad result for you. You seem to take things really well and be very level-headed, I wish I was as calm and patient as you are.October 3, 2015 at 12:32 pm #463807
Belle, I’ve been reading through some of your post for for some time. Admittedly I have skimmed through much of it as they are just too long to read thoroughly. I do think the length of these posts have much to do with the lack of responses from more posters. I’m only sharing that because you mentioned at one point no one seemed to want to respond.
I have been debating whether to reply for a few reasons. 1.I don’t know if you are willing or able to hear what I have to say. 2. You are all over the place and I don’t even know what to respond to first 3. There are issues at play here beyond what this forum can handle.
My father was raised Orthodox. I know and understand all that this entails. This issue can not be minimized. This is huge. And if he is truly that committed to his faith, then yes this is very likely a deal breaker. It’s not just a belief system, it is a way of life and he will presumably lose everything if he abandons it. For those who have not been raised this way I don’t expect you to understand. But the honest chances of this working out based on that alone is almost insurmountable. He realizes this. Love is not enough. I am not saying he doesn’t love you. But he also realizes the incredible sacrifice he would have to make. I believe he realizes that as much as he cares for you, and may not want to lose you, that if he does what it would take to make this work with you-he will give up his identity and everything that makes him who he is. If he does that, it is pretty likely he will resent you for it. Nothing, other than lies and deception kills love quicker. I think he is being more realistic about this situation than you are.
People say age is only a number. Well, yes and no. This age difference also has major implications which he also seems more realistic a about than you do. Wanting children should have nothing to do with passing on your genes. It should be about the desire to bring s life into this world you want to love and nurture. He knows that if this is something you are burying to be with him, like it or not, one day you will resent him for it. Argue that all you want, I’ve seen it happen many times.
The trauma from your past is significant. I’m so sorry you’ve been through that, but I also don’t think you have fully dealt with it all ( based on your posts ). I’m no expert, but I am a pretty good listener and intuitive. I think you still have much more healing to do before you are ready with any serious relationship with any man.
I give you credit for the work yiuve done thus far on yourself.
I am in a long term LDR. We are LDR for the time being, but there is an actual plan in place for me to move back home and be together. The challenges are enormous, but if you don’t have solid, effective, continual communication it will never work. I find your communication challenges extremely significant. From all that I’ve read, I don’t think either of you communicates well (consistently) with each other.
Just reading your situation is exhausting. I can’t imagine living it. It really should not be this drama filled, difficult, emotionally draining, upsetting, and confusing. I really think it is that simple.
This isn’t healthy. I know I am not saying anything you will want to hear. But I am an optimist, and a romantic. However, I am also realistic and a pragmatist. So I am looking at this for every angle, and sadly I think there are just too many truly significant obstacles to overcome.October 3, 2015 at 12:37 pm #463808
It sounds like you are thinking about the baby issue a lot. That’s good. But really if you are yearning for a baby, I think that says something. I am too and I know I want at least one more. Maybe I’m crazy to think that / but I feel it and I hope if it’s meant to be G-d will make it happen. So please keep thinking. Maybe there’s a solution for you on that with him.
Yes, I agree it’s not ideal to allow family to interfere – I hope they don’t – but you know the family is paramount in many cultures and important for most people everywhere. I hope it goes as its meant to – however that is. I can only be myself and be patient and kind to all. I’ve always known that not everyone was raised like me – with many different people and cultures around me enabling me to be educated and open minded about others – it was a gift for me and I cannot expect everyone to see things the same right away as I do.
Thank you for the compliment – I am calm now (I wasn’t always), my nature is calm tho. I think it helps that I feel I have options – I think if it doesn’t work out with my bf, I will be okay and there is someone else out there for me and, if all else fails, there is my ex in 2023….LOL! That confidence that I will be happy either way gives me strength and keeps away acting from fear and allows me to just act from love.October 3, 2015 at 1:17 pm #463820
I agree with Phillygirl. Just WAY too much but I do hope it works out. xoOctober 3, 2015 at 1:32 pm #463826
Philly, I can break up the posts but if I write short then I leave out a lot. Also we have now sort of gotten into a conversation with Jessica and sort of writing what I feel, think of, etc.
Philly, I will never fully get over my past traumas. I am still working on it of course and it is a work in progress, in a way we all are but my terrible marriage actually healed me in many ways, weird I know but I realized what I was and what I was not looking for.
Re: communication, many men are not great at it, he is incredibly good at it considering. Perhaps I was not clear on this but it is essential to me and I would not be with him at all if we could and would not talk about anything and everything; we are on a very deep level that way, it only goes South if I get frustrated and pushy. He has handled that well mostly too. Now he is back to being great at it since we talked about the misunderstanding. Easy to misunderstand over the phone. He has now started texting and calling a lot more since I made it clear that I was not rejecting him.
Re the religion issue, no, not raised that way but yes I have followed traditions for a long time. In my teens I went to a school with Jewish children mostly and we all read literature, I studied Hebrew at the Uni when I was 15 though I remember little now but learning slowly and most of my friends and boyfriends have been Jewish and so I have been exposed to a lot. He is not THAT religious in my opinion, not Hassidic and he is more lax on certain issues than say his kids are and he chose to relax on certain things. My problem is mostly that the papers of my grandparents were falsified during the Holocaust. It can be solved if we want to solve it, at worst I do a light conversion, in my area many have this problem.
The biggest problem with this is that I may not want to follow every single rule but I may change that over time.
Philly please tell your story if you do not mind because obviously you have been really successful at it.
Thanks Lady T. Jess I write to you soon.
I will try to be shorter girls. Feelings are difficult to write about. Easier when giving advice sometimes as you can be mmore objective. Sorry about the length.:)))