Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Feeling very scared
This topic contains 169 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by SthrnBelle 7 years, 5 months ago.
Jessica you are a wonderful person, compassionate, intelligent, really thinking clearly, you truly deserve someone that makes you the happiest and I am sure you will find him, hopefully this BF but your story about the ex still breaks my heart. I just wish there was a way for you two. I think on some level you two are still in love. You know me the forever romantic, passionate person.:))) I will be thinking of you and please write about how the meeting went, ok?
BTW, Philly, thanks, I hope you know that I am here to share with others and them sharing advice or their stories. Please excuse me if the one thing I do not need now is negativity because that almost led me to ruin this relationship. Some people advised me to stay away from forums and such places where no one has any idea of the situation, which I completely disagree with.
Of course it may happen that things do not end well if be gives me an ultimatum of whether I find my papers or we cannot live together but we did discussed that in Israel and there was no problem, he knows my situation. In other words, sure it can end badly but he has been the best man as a person in my life and I am going to give him a chance, that is all.
Stress and negativity also almost got me in the hospital with an ulcer and I want to be positive about life because fears can be a self fulfilling prophecy.
If I come here that things ended badly, I hope you will not judge me. I trust many of the very nice women on this forum and hope we are here for each other that is all. No one can guarantee a positive outcome in any relationship.
I read philly’s post and i thought she brought up very valid points, called realism, not negativity. And its not negative advice that got you rolling, but you making up things in your head.
I was hoping you would give it more thought. I cant judge on the orthodox part, but on her other observations. We cant live on love. I loved reading jessica’s stories, for several reasons, including that’s its interesting to learn more from the middle east and the complexity of mixed ethnical and religious groups, but also cos her story of her bf showed that sometimes love isnt enough. You have to face it with reality.
Its hard, i had to do it myself, but once i got freed of the expectations, promises, what its and started to focus on myself again, its gone so much better.
*what if’s not what its
Newbie, I did not mean Philly was negative, I did not say that, did I? I meant negativity in general, yes it was in my head. Reality was where it stemmed from and then it became negativity. If you want to give something a chance, you need to think positive. Many obstacles can be overcome. Many not. But I am choosing to remain positive and see. Since I am meeting him in ten days, I will not go there all worked up that it will not work out. BTW, we never know what will and what will not work out, how do you or me know what life will bring? How do we know that Jess and her ex will never be together and get married? We do not, nothing is final but death. A person that married someone does not mean that she was necessarily right either as she can end up divorcing. We can only choose to work on ourselves, I have no idea why you think I did not consider her advice, I did and I responded to it, I explained her what I could answer. There are things I may not be able to answer now, only think about.
And thanks Newbie, I hope you do not misunderstand me as I am thankful for your comments. Do not mean to be negative towards anyone at all. I appreciate everyone’s opinions.:)))
No, i didn’t read the other post, lol. Its going so fast. So i missed one
But i agree, the visit is soon, so the last thing you want to bring is negativity. Maybe its a good time to think what you like to get out of it? A ring, another visit around x mas? I’m really curious. because really that is the hard part, the day you will fly back home.
Newbie thanks so much. I am not trying to upset anyone here. I was just merely driving myself nuts. That was no good for me. I think I can be patient for ten days and see. I may have to be patient for much longer but I think I will get some answers when we meet. Until then I am trying to just not focus on this too much because my legal and other battles got me incredibly stress. Since I relaxed and shifted focus from the relationship and pushing him, things got much more positive. I think for now I sort of need this. Maybe it is an illusion but that was how this started, to give me something positive and we have a really good working relationship too. I am not naive, I see the obstacles, that was why I thought so long about starting this, we both decided to give it a chance.
Sorry I am a very fast typer and will focus on other people too now but I have also answered many threads tonight while packing for my move.:)))
He got me a ticket for Xmas a few weeks ago. He was really trying and I did not appreciate it enough. He has also done a lot of work behind the scenes that I did not know about as he did not want to talk about them prematurely. I just got real stubborn where nothing was good enough as due to life and work circumstances we could not arrange a meeting sooner, he tried several times.
Now I promise to take a break from my thread.:)))
BTW, I know that this topic is so complicated and that questions are far beyond what a forum can handle but I think I can still profit and benefit from advice and some may be able to profit from parts of this saga, but I actually preferred helping others for a while before posting this thread. It became a monster thread now with sharing stories with Jessica, etc. I decided to keep going for now and figured whoever does not like it, does not have to listen or contribute.
I hope it is still ok and I still try to focus on others mostly.
This forum has helped me tremendously I think. I have visited many and this is by far the best community and advice, articles, resources.
Its a free choice to read and comment on a thread, so i wouldn’t worry about that.
I actually can relate really well, although i made different choices. But mine has a catch, so ill share it one day. Now i’m just carefree.
Newbie I would actually love to hear your story, how do you mean it is a catch? Do you have a thread? I think we learn a lot from each other’s experiences and stories. Being carefree is great, I feel that way now.
I know I sometimes read and write too fast, as a former legal field professional I am used to that and writing a lot.:)))
I intentionally did not answer the ring as I did not want to give out our professions.:))) But I already told him I did not expect to get married right now. I just got divorced.
He is writing me messages really caring. He has always wanted to know about my ordeals and to listen even though I often do not want to share as I prefer to not overwhelm but he has been there. Ok I promise I am going onto other threads now, REALLY!
I actually don’t think it’s complicated. It’s all about seeing reality for what it is, and then decide if it will work or not. It’s when you get stuck in between “will it work or not” that it gets complicated. And it’s totally your choice if you wanna see reality or get stuck.
However, I agree, wait till you see and talk to him next time. There’s no point in saying or doing anything before that.
Religion is always an issue for a couple. Sometimes a small issue and sometimes huge….it depends. If he makes his living from religion it becomes a bigger issue.
The question is how will you feel in 5 years if you married this man? If you lived with him everyday how would you feel. That is the question you have to answer for yourself so you can decide what to do. Would you fit into his life and would he fit in yours?
Are you all in or not?
Emma, thanks for taking the time to answer. In my opinion reality is that life can be very complicated sometimes and it is for me. There are many variables and there would be plenty of risks involved. Hopefully it can be worked out but it all takes time and this is what he has said. He was right and I realized that. It is not whether we want to be together, it is how the obstacles can be overcome. But as you said at least when we meet I will hopefully have a better idea on many of the things, certainly many will remain unanswered as to how we can make things work because a lot of things are not under our control. But he is back to sharing a lot and asking me a lot which is a good sign. I would love to hear Newbie’s perpsective because obviously she has been successfully in an LDR and even long term, wow, kudos to you Newbie, not easy for sure.
RCS, I have thought about your post because it is food for thought. My answer is that I feel that in relationships both parties have to compromise. So am I all in? Possibly but it is only the beginning. I feel that perhaps we should reach a point of compromise that we are both happy with. And perhaps this is a journey for me where I will be all in. I feel I belong, which is a good sign and I feel at home in this world. No pressure to fit in.
No, he does not work in religion, we both work in a certain business, different levels of it, where at his level it is a very religious world. I am perfectly fine with dressing within limits where I can still be myself, acting in a way that is expected but within a home even if I can keep most rules, maybe there are a few areas where we have to compromise. There are many gray areas in religion.
The other thing is that while I am happy studying religion, it is not my passion. But I am very interested in studying it, especially culture and history, it has interested me since my teenage years and perhaps it will also become a passion. My passion right now is my profession, which is my hobby and also a lifestyle. I want to be able to continue with it if we move together and this is something he has also been working on.
Haha, southern Belle, i’m sorry to say but my way of handling it was calling it off as a serious perspective. I played the movie through to the end and decided that i wouldn’t be happy being financially dependent on him, at least for a while and without having my own social circle. The other way around, would be even more of a disaster. But we are still friends, penpals in this case and the funny thing is, he just cant get enough. He is the kind of guy kaye has, alpha male, but was also insecure and emotionally difficult to connect to, but he did a full 180. He showers me with affection and attention, every day, tells me everything that is going on, is honest, sweet etc. Its kind of weird to me, but as long as i keep in mind its not meant to be, i enjoy talking to him. Sometimes its difficult, because i do care about him a lot, and i know he does too, but most of the times its just nice to have someone far away who cares about me. And that was the catch: maybe someday something will change and we do want to make an effort. But i can live my life just fine without him.
This is what usually happens. Now that I let it go, he is really making an effort, of course that could be cuz he wants to have a good time when we meet.:))) But I really think my point got through. That said guys are so crazy because they never realized what they had until they lose it.
Anyhow I have so much on my head now with the moving and the owner guy I really am starting to dislike. Not a good thing. He is very controlling, a clean freak, I like clean but not like obssessive and he got sour after I was very clear that I have absolutely no interest in hooking up with him.
I do see your point why you did not do it and I do agree that it is incredibly difficult to make it work that way. I did this twice in my life, both times were a disaster, which is also why I think I need to hold my horses but at the same time now many of my friends are all over the world in part due to all my moves so it really does not matter where I live.
Who knows one day yours could work or not. I am not sure I could keep being friends though but guess if you can it is great but just harder to disconnet emotionally then.
Its not the moving by itself i had issues with. I can live everywhere. But i know he likes my independence, the fact that i’m doing what i like to do, also career wise. Suppose i would move, i would lose that at first and the relationship would get out of balance real fast. also we both value having our own space. So i just did the math. Letting go of that idea was not that difficult, so i also have no issues being friends, since i don’t want to make anything more of it.
This is very very true. See this is why I said that it is not only what he wants but I want to make sure I can make a living on my own, at least continue with my business and we can still cooperate. BUT I relied on men twice albeit for short periods of time and the relationships got completely out of balance. Moving is cool, I can live anywhere too, I am used to it, in fact by now I cannot stay put for too long though I must admit that it would be nice to have some stability sometime soon in my life, I would not mind it with the right person.:))) But as far as adapting I have done it so many times and languages come so easy that it is no biggie. I wish there had been a way for you too but you seem happy and content with what is going on now. That is the main thing. If I could relax and do the long-term LDR sure it would be cool, except I am not sure I can settle for that long-term. In some way I would prefer to, in others not, I want to also be in a good position if we do make a move and not have to rely on him solely.