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This topic contains 169 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by SthrnBelle 7 years, 8 months ago.
Jessica just to add to what you said, the first part that he absolutely cannot call makes it much worse as now I have no idea why it happened.
Secondly, he DOES know how important it is to me, there is no way he cannot know that, this is the worst part that I feel he wanted to hurt me intentionally, you see? He knows it is important to call as once he was in the hospital and I was worried sick for almost three days. We talked about it.
He did tell me then that he may skip a day here and there but will try not to but he never really has anyhow. It is more like he is showing me that I am NOT important, why would he be so cruel? It is like he decided to not spend the New Year together though at least thought of doing so.
I am confused about the non-working days, I thought in Israel today was a holiday and the last day is and that is it, it is shorter there. But now I am not sure, that is just awesome if he cannot call the whole week, then it is even worse that he did not call at all before.
First the holiday..yes it is customary to wish a happy holiday for Sukkot. It is a festival so happy, unlike Yom Kippur which is serious. If he’s in Israel, there will be two days festival now with no work and then five days intermediate, then at the end, one day of festival (no work). If outside, two days now, five days intermediate, and then two days of no work. Keep in mind that before the holiday starts there is a lot to do – there are things to build and ceremonies even before it starts. So its possible he was caught up in that, I don’t know but possible.
I think you are placing too much emphasis on whether he called you or not. I have been in your place – when my ex and I were having issues with the LDR and his business was in trouble, he was very distant and working like crazy – it was a double whammy. I of course became needy because I felt the distance and because he wasn’t giving me as much attention. I would ask him to call me in the morning to say hello. He, of course, would forget constantly and did it a few times and that was it. The fact was, he was so exhausted and mornings were hectic, he would jump out of bed and have a work crisis or have to get his kids off to school. Even though I asked him to – and he loved me so much, the man couldn’t call me in the morning to say hello. This upset me so much. I placed way too much emphasis on it and it really made me negative/needy/irrational. He would call me virtually everyday multiple times (granted it was sometimes when I was already asleep due to the time change), and yet I wanted him to call me to say good morning too – which he failed miserably at. This is a man that I wished happy sukkot to last night after he said he was thinking about me and misses me. He still loves me and always will. I say this not because you wrong to want a phone call – but that you’ve set yourself up for expectations and placing a lot of emphasis on them and upsetting yourself. Yes, it would have been very thoughtful of him to call, but the fact is that he may have gotten busy and rushing around and it slipped his mind – I know that hurts, but is it really something that isn’t forgivable. Just see what happens when he calls.
I really think that you should also consider the relationship again for a few reasons. First, the age difference. I know you said you may not want to have kids, but are you sure you don’t? You would be closing off this possibility. Also, the religion. He is very, very religious. This is him. Is this you??? Also, the LDR – maybe its temporary, maybe not. That is a hard way to start a relationship. Finally, the fact that he is so busy – maybe he doesn’t have the time to give that you want/need. Thinking about the relationship may help you calm down a little on your end – this is not the only man in the world! There may be someone else you were meant to meet, you never know. Do you feel like he is your soul mate? My ex used to call me whenever I was thinking about him – it happened so often that it felt like he was reading my mind. He would also be able to read me very well. I truly believe that he and I were soul mates. Even though we are not together, we talk very often and consider each other family. This has happened in part because of the very long amount of time we’ve known each other – through many ups and downs, helping each other. There is a lot of trust. But yet, he wasn’t perfect. Nobody is.
Time will tell whether your BF and you will stand the test of time – but if you aren’t meant for him, trust that there is someone that is meant for you. No matter how upset you are, it is very comforting to know that whatever is meant to be, WILL, be. Take a deep breath and process that….repeat it to yourself. And trust that you will never again have happen to you, what happened with your ex. You won’t allow yourself to go down that rabbit hole again, you will be able to identify a man that does not have good intentions and that you cannot trust. Take a deep breath and trust yourself. Whatever is meant to be – to bring you happiness – will be. You know what will not make you happy. Now you just have to allow yourself to go toward those things that make you happy. You know the difference now.
So all you need to know is what his intentions are with you….he’s not perfect, but if his intentions with you are good and his treatment of you is in line with that, then forgetting a phone call is not going to derail it. Stick up for yourself, but come from a place of strength in knowing that you are heading toward happiness (whether with him or someone else) because you know how to get yourself there.
Jessica, thanks girl, I have had a lot of ups and down today mostly downs, it is a turmoil, often on the verge of crying, anxiety, very bad stomach sickness, simply unable to believe this about someone I truly believed in and this is the key here, he was one of the very few I opened up to and trusted somewhat. What you said have calmed me down I am still not convinced because listen even your ex called you right and it is more important to my BF than me and he would ALWAYS call, always, even every Friday evening and if he could not reach me, he would at least send a message. No message. I see no call on my phone. I cannot believe that it was impossible to do for him to send out a text, really? No email? Before Kippur he called six times and my phone did not ring, this happens to us sometimes and he gave up and wrote an email. This is NOT him, I am truly shocked and having a bad feeling does not help. Lately he has been doing this back and forth thing a lot. I am sure the LDR does not help, if he saw me more often, he would definitely feel more motivated. At the same time if someone does not miss you truly and consider you important enough in your absence then do you really matter to that person? And mostly he has been calling and this was my biggest fear that I truly do not matter if he does not call me before a holiday and now my biggest fear became a self fulfilling prophecy.
Sorry to be negative but in a way I am wondering if this is to intentionally hurt me and make me break up with him so he has it easier yet only two days ago he was still saying he would want me to be happy with business deals because he does not want me frustrated in our relationship. Yet he KNOWS I am very upset! This is why it is so shocking. What could have happened that made it impossible for him to even send a text if it was not intentional.
Listen, he used to call me several times a day and message too now we went back to daily max since the religion talk, this may be doing it but IMHO he does not really love me if he has to force me to become as religious as he is. In Israel many families are split, where one is more religious and the other is not. Also, I could easily follow traditions even if not all but most if I did not live where I live, with him I have always observed everything. It was not a problem, it is just hard here.
Now you are confusing me, based on everything I know in Israel only today and the last day are holidays? If I read up about it, that is what I find too and everywhere else it is supposed to be two days now and one at the end. He has not ever not called me for three days, listen this is when we have to think whether they are afraid of losing us, if not then how much can we really matter? Do you think I should just discuss it nicely with him, if so what should I say? How should I say it nicely? That is if he even calls and wants to continue.
Tell me I have no idea why then he made reservations and made me make train reservations for two weeks from now.
Sorry to vent and ramble, this was the really upset talk.
Maybe he feels really badly about it and somehow he ran out of time but maybe I am only making excuses for him. I used to never doubt that he loves me and now I do, not a good thing.
To answer your question yes I have always felt that we are soulmates, absolutely. It was this way ever since I have known him even before we had a relationship. I felt that we were meant to meet. It was surreal as we started the relationship a year and a half later and I knew it from the moment we first met when I was still married to abusive ex.
I very very rarely feel what I feel for him and only felt it once before this relationship.That is why I am still hanging onto this but perhaps hanging on is never good. This connection works like you said, I think of a person then they call or I think of something and they know without you having to say anything. The only other person I felt it with was my ex fiancee. After we broke up years later I would still feel it and dream about him and the next day he would call or text and he had not in one year! And this was after the horrid breakup we had. I even told people that he will call as I was dreaming about him very intensely for two days. Even when he no longer gets in touch, I still feel it when he thinks about me. But despite the connection he had serious problems being a sociopath. Connection is not everything either, we can be wrong.
I have dated a lot of men in my life and most do not affect me. Of course the ones I care about are those that break my heart. I must be doing something wrong too.
If your ex fiancee was your soulmate too then why did it not work out at the end and why is this relationship working; I know we have talked about it a few times but really curious. I know the religion BUT were you also forced to choose between who you are and how much you love him? I guess I cannot see why people cannot compromise.
At the moment and in a long time I have not been interested in anyone the way I am in him. Like I said it is not the absence of men, it is that I do not feel this connection with others and by now I am almost 40 and have only felt it twice and one time close to it in my late teens and what chance do I have now to find the one then? Slim to none and this is a very dangerous thought as women tend to start clinging when this happens.
I am sure I made mistakes, he got scared and I got pushy, not much but enough then it has been a pulling away game on my part ever since and one was the talk about religion that he should not force me but had I not done that, I would have been made into someone else than I am, so ultimately do I love him more or do I have to chose myself; maybe he chooses himself and his beliefs too but like I said without forcing me it could have worked too.I would have been willing but I did not feel his motivation anymore.
Jessica it is not the same as not calling you in the morning, I have long given up on those silly things, he used to text, he does not but he used to not call in the evening and lately he has. It is not those things that count but feeling loved which I do not feel right now. I can tell that I am looking desperate which is exactly how I feel and not a good position to be in and this man was definitely in love with me in his own way so what went wrong? I am so torn. He may be one of those that cannot commit. After all look he has said some of the red flag lines that are on this site and I am the only woman that he felt was worthy enough to be in a relationship with in 13 years.
I am sorry for my post not being very well written, I am a mess today. Thank you for listening and thank you for caring. I realize that if I read my own post from the outside I may be brutally honest to the girl here and perhaps this is what I need from you girls.
About the holiday – its always two days of no work at the beginning – its only the last days that are different, outside of Israel its two and inside one day of no work.
I am sorry this is so upsetting, but I truly believe that you will be okay. You have gone through a lot in your life and survived. You can get through this.
On his not calling, I think you have jumped to conclusions and are getting yourself worked up about it, and have now come to the conclusion that his not calling means he wants to end it. I think that’s skipping quite a few steps. I am not discounting how you feel about the relationship. You may be feeling this way for other reasons, but this not calling has become a thorn. I know that his not calling is not the same as my ex not calling me in the morning, but my point for you was that, at the time, I FELT like it was as important to me as your BF not calling you before the holiday. Plus, my ex didn’t call literally a day after I asked him to, so it felt like he didn’t care, even though I know now (and I should have known then) that he did care and he was trying his best. Maybe his best wasn’t good enough for me – but how good or not it we think a guy’s behavior is, it is based upon our expectations of them. See, you see that me asking him to call me to say good morning was a silly measure of his love for me, and I see it now too, but at the time I didn’t. I have learned to let go of some of these measures, the tests, the expectations of certain things happening when I expect them to – what matters is the long haul, the intentions, the actual love. Its not always someone meeting your every single request or desired action. He has a life that he’s struggling with – just remember that he has a lot on his plate, and one of his requests to you may need to be: please be patient with me and try and not think I don’t care about you if I don’t call. Also, when your phone doesn’t ring when he tries to call, does it show missed calls still? Just wondering….
I will tell you another story about my ex (I know I talk about him a lot, but he’s my gold standard for a man loving me – and I will explain why we broke up and how it demonstrated his love even more at some point). When we first started dating in college, he was taking full time classes (getting 4.0s), plus running a business that he and his father started when he was 15. It was crazy demanding. He was tired. I didn’t realize this at the time because we had just started dating. So one night, we had plans to go out. I was living with my grandmother at the time (this was on the west coast, I had moved there to go to school). He was going to pick me up – I was all ready to go, anticipating this wonderful time I was going to have – and 15 minutes before he was supposed to pick me, up he called and cancelled, saying he was tired. Now I could have said: I can’t believe it, you are so rude, calling me at the last minute to cancel! But I didn’t. I said: I am disappointed because I was really looking forward to going out with you tonight, but I understand if you are tired, we can go out another night. He said thanks for understanding and we hung up. Now, I was upset, but I took a deep breath and did some stuff around the house. So, what happened? I got a call less than an hour later – it was him. He said: I took a nap and I’m feeling better, I really want to see you, do you still want to go out? I said sure. He picked me up and we went out and had a fabulous time. And you know what? I found out later that this was one of the things that first made him know I was for him (there other things of course, but this was the first). He told me later that he knew, from that night on, that a life with me would be wonderful and happy. He knew that I was not insecure. He knew that I was not going to bitch him out and make him feel bad when he disappointed me – because disappointments happen. He knew that because I would not make him feel bad, he would always try his hardest to make me happy, and he knew he could make me happy. He knew this because he probably knew that his business would always be hectic and he needed someone that could truly roll with the punches and be his partner with whom life could be good. He could trust that if he tried to make me happy, it would always be good enough for me, even if I was disappointed sometimes, because I trusted that he was trying his hardest. He could see that I was patient and kind. I could forgive little mistakes, its the big picture that’s important. I have learned a lot about how a man thinks from him because he is very open with his feelings and thoughts and a great observer of people himself – he has relayed that story to other people as well.
This could be your moment like we had. You just need to take a deep breath and catch up on things around the house…LOL. Now you never truly know whats going to happen in the future…I sure didn’t…but you need to come from a place of calm strength. I trusted that I knew he wanted to see me, I didn’t assume that he was cancelling to break up with me. I could have, but I didn’t. It’s one time that he didn’t call you – this is not the same as breaking up with you.
I think what is going on is that you are feeling invested in him and this is terrifying. Plus, after you discussed the religious issues, maybe you are wondering, does he want a wife who is as religious as he is? Maybe you should ask him that. Would he be okay with you not being as religious – maybe you would become more later, maybe not. But you should always be true to you. I know I have become more religious the older I am and this is fairly common.
Maybe you feel he is pulling away, but you are also feeling more needy and sometimes that has the effect of both causing a guy to pull away more and/or making us FEEL like they are pulling away more even if they aren’t, which becomes a cycle. You know neediness repels men – I don’t need to tell you this.
I think there are some issues in your relationship – but they are nothing that can’t be overcome if you both want to. Of course, what you are imagining may be true – that he’s decided he doesn’t want to go forward with a future with you, but there are many signs that he is looking to the future (Oct. & Dec. trips and the statements he’s made). Why do you keep jumping to conclusions without seeing the rest of the picture? Hear him out when you talk to him – give him a chance to explain to you before you assume anything. Let him take steps to show you he wants to be with you – they may not all happen at once or right when you want them to, but the point is, if he loves you and has good intentions (and he sounds like a stand up guy), they will happen.
Jessica, thank you girl for making your time to write and I always appreciate you stories about your ex but was it the religion that did not work out then? And what is it that is working with this guy now? I know you said you have had your ups and down as well. How did it end with your ex and you never wanted to give it another chance if he really was your soulmate?
Well, today was hell. I fear the night and then tomorrow, this is weird that he did not make plans because in the past he would fear not talking to me for a day or ok sometimes it went two days almost. But he always and I mean always called before a holiday and this is more important to HIM than to me, which is why it is so very odd honestly. I could worry about him, I could be upset, he is ok with this. In the past he would always apologize and say do not feel sad or upset that I could not call and he would write instead but he sometimes tried calling six times!
My phone is weird, true, my best friend called tonight, it did not show the missed call but my battery had died. Only one time did it not show my BF called (I almost wrote ex can you imagine) when I was on the phone, I did do that some on Sunday but not right before sunset, OTOH I am assuming for Sukkot they may have done things beforehand that day and I know perhaps he went elsewhere too because this friend had died. But quite honestly unless he did not take the phone anywhere and this is remotely possible too, he could have simply sent out a text, he may have gone out and when he got back it was too late.
I am crushed and so many horribly memories came back, I will tell about that someday but perhaps not in this thread, stories about trauma and having been let down. Yet somewhere deep down in tears I still hope the person I trusted will be back.
I do think I got negative, too demanding and needy for sure. But he could see my life has come to a turning point where I needed to make decisions and he invited me before to Israel to see how we could live together and then he said nothing and I felt let down. Perhaps if I had let him be instead of bringing it up a couple of times, things would have been different. I just think that if you bring up one or two issues and at the time he laughed about them, the one who is meant for you will stay. And when I brought up issued he always calmly explained what he had done how he fought for the relationship inside and outside and that he will tell me more in person.
The in person part was the religion where I was somewhere doubting that I would be fully religious and I think this is the topic that halted him. Since then when he said I sure love you but I have to see if I can love you the way you want to be loved, he has not said he loved me. His ex wife left him because of religion. To me it would not be a dealbreaker but I also feel that though he never showed me he would be controlling, he has been passive aggressively because he was disappointed to not see me working on this. Whereas of course I have been but may not talk about it. That day I did not do well at the conversation. That broke something but something had already been broken in me.
He had still been there for me prior to this organizing the trips and everything but it was like his drive has stopped. Now I truly fear him and his daughter talked about me when she came in the middle of our conversation and though he was perfectly normal and happy with me perhaps they brought up the issue and his daughter advised him against me out of jealousy and I know this would greatly influence him, his kids’s opinion is the most important thing to him. I do not feel this is perfectly right.
Then I also feel that there have been many things he has not followed up. But I also know that in the past he was in Europe in another country and when he is not with family, he has tons less stress. But even Friday he had had a bad fight with his son and he still called me all nice before Sabbath.
I think that everyone can go through stages. What I find weird is that everywhere I look it says only today was a National Holiday in Israel and his viber says that he is available whereas before it said that last he was available in the morning, so I truly do not understand this. Had he tried to call me many times by now he would have sent an email or a text. I think he could get annoyed with me for not answering but again this is not my fault either. I certainly will not write if he is still observing the holiday but if he is not and I kind of have a feeling not, then why does he not call me?
I do not understand Jessica, I mean I have done nothing really wrong and did not deserve this and like you said I had reservations and also he would not be the kind to mess around with me for business either although there he could explain I was not religious enough, although until now he was really promoting me there and now he would stop that and say bad things about me?
I do know that he may feel I am occasionally insecure because in the past he just said ok this is how I manage you and my other friend from the same country is like you, he likes people a lot from my country and everyone has always said he would find someone from here.
When I look past my anxiety I sometimes get vibes that he is worried I am upset. That could be true too, who knows? I think he has been afraid of losing me and that is why this is odd. Even a few days ago he was definitely not happy about my roommate situation and I did not even tell him everything about it. Everyone said do because then he will just want you out of there. I hate the idea as he may think I am cheating.
My mother also said not to make a big deal out of this holiday no call perhaps mention it nicely but I am so down about it then being all cool is I dunno if I should let it just go. Perhaps I should mention something along the lines that it means a lot to me when you do and it has really touched me.
I have to be very careful because like you had the phonecall problem I did too with him when he skipped one day once, I was in a bad mood and then he said apparently I do not succeed very well at loving you. I said that he does 99 % of the time and it is not a big deal as long as I know he is trying. Then he does a 180 and no message when we agreed he would at least send a message. But since we had this talk, I actually relaxed and when he did not call, I let it go and did not say a thing.
Tell me why these phone calls and texts are such a pet peeve of girls.:))) No, it is not funny. As I said I relaxed about it for the most part only now because of the holiday it truly hurts but I guess during the holiday he can wish it too. No biggie if I knew nothing was either wrong with him or him thinking something wrong about me because this is so out of the ordinary for him.
Again I look forward to more of your stories and I am happy to share too.
And to add since that religion talk though he did say some affirmative things, he has not only not said he loved me but also not that he misses me, wants to hold me, nothing of a sexual nature. But I have seen him like this when he once felt that I thought he was using me and because I said I do not want him playing games and he was shock maybe he is holding back. In the past when it happened once, we were in person and able to fix the problem. Now I feel he does not want to lead me on which is scary so it is a bit of hot and cold. I would of course love to hear your stories and stories of anyone who can in any way relate.
I am very sorry you’re feeling upset. :( hugs
I think your bad feeling was that he was not going to call. Sometimes our intuition is very sharp & knows things before they happen. I am not familiar with your religious holidays (I’m Catholic) so I cannot say about the whole holiday thing but as of right now I feel that him not calling, the way it is making you feel is indicative of the bigger picture that you are just not feeling great in this relationship because the amount of stress you’ve been experiencing lately to me it just seems this is not a good fit at the moment
Ashley, thanks girl, I have been so sad and really seriously my acid problems hurting my stomach badly. I fell for him hard of course and this has been a long term love for me if you remember it has been almost two years we both have had something even though we have only been together for less than five. You think you know a person on a personal level through friendship and business and you do but ethics there are not how they will necessarily act in a relationship.
I agree with you Ashley but I want to do it in person if it happens that way. I want to see if there have been misunderstandings on either part and talk it over. We have always had a wonderful connection and relationship with each other when we were together.
I think casual dating and fun would be fine with me right now but not this heavy stuff. This was awesome at first during the honeymoon stages but I also think when we lived together for three weeks with family and he introduced me to everyone and why did he do it then do not ask me and he was so happy about him, later it scared him. I must also think that others may have said things to him about the religious stuff.
Well, but he has said he would be flexible and would never push me, never play with me, never hurt me, yeah right we believe all that, no? Lol. But he has been so serious about it.
Yet you girls needs to know from the beginning he has said some of the lines that are on the red flag lists in articles here that he is not ready to commit, like the I do not want to hurt you, I do not know where this is going but I am giving it a chance but of course I never listened to it because 99 % of the time he said the opposite but one time in Israel he acted so scared that he is getting close to me but then which guy does not? Or so I thought.
It was that stupid conversation that I initiated that ruined a lot as that was when things changed. Before then he was so happy to go on this trip with me. But even when he was pulling away he called me with the plans fixed like he thought I would like it.
I think he is still trying but is scared I may end it if he does not follow through with commitment right away. Or as you said Ashley the honeymoon is over and sad thing it was over because we spent no time together, it ruined a lot. I never knew LDRs can play so much against us, I think not if you are able to meet often.
Ashley you give very good advice too and I really appreciate you helping me in this situation and being there for me, thanks girls!
if I had to guess, I would say perhaps he is feeling the pressure of what he should do – to commit or not – the living together situation etc and maybe he just does not know what to do & maybe that is why he hasn’t been as enthusiastic lately or maybe he just has a lot going on.. I don’t know why he didn’t call. I just feel like he is not as loving right now as he was. I just don’t know if this situation is sustainable. This situation is making you sick & it is not fair to you. aww thank you & I am happy to anytime
That was a very good summary in my opinion Ashley. He has tried to do a lot for me and it seemd that he is trying finally again after our conversation to slowly open up, before Kippur on Tuesday he did call me six times and sent an email finally with big hugs and now we slid back yet again. I really think we need to meet, if we want to do anything right and decide. Both parties have been hurt, I felt it after our conversation but yet he has been calling until now to keep me and now not sure what. No clue, none of us knows. Yes he has had the disappearing act before when it had nothing to do with me but before a holiday? Never.
I feel like I have been gutted, at least my weight loss program is going well with such upset stomach.:)))
Yes most of my friends have said that they would not have been able to do what I have gone through the last two months.
At the same time some very critical people like my mom still sees a chance. I just want to talk to him! It is like screaming out loud lol. I want to find out but I will never do what other girls do texting and going all nutsoid over him, especially now if he still cannot talk.
Hugs to you girl and thanks, I hope we all have some good luck soon.
As to Jessica, I would love to hear your stories, how it finally worked with the one now, why not with the soulmate ex. I have serious doubts that I could stay friends with this guy now if things went South.
Of course now I feel like writing to him asking him about all these things… please tell me not to. I have occasionally in the past and it worked out well, him calling right away, reassuring me. I do feel I need to clarify things about this religious stuff. But anyhow not till tomorrow night and by then the urge may pass I hope… just half an hour ago I never wanted to talk to him again.:))) Now I am all stupid.
It’s just in our DNA because as women we need closeness
I guess all you can do right now is wait to hear from him, maybe something came up with work or his children or something of that nature. Right now just try to make yourself feel better :)
Ashley, I really want to write to him now about my thoughts, I cannot send it till tomorrow evening but I would like to get it out, it has been on my chest too much but I could share it with you girls and see what you think. I think some things need to be clarified. In the past it always worked with him but we shall see. As I said I can share a draft. If it is a horrible idea ok but not sure it does me any good if this keeps sitting on my chest.
It is because of the religious holiday he cannot call now but he did not when he promised to right before the holiday to wish my happy h-s which he has never yet skipped.
Hi southern Belle,
I have seen you struggling here, but i think you really need to calm down. Try to get to a place in your head to get rational. I know you care deeply about this man, but in the end its just a man and you are still in the proces of working out if you are compatible. Love doesn’t conquer all. Obviously you are a passionate person, which is lovely, but also all over the place. Talking to him about compatibility issues is a good thing, but not if you do it from a very emotional state.
I think you really have invested too much in this man and i think you need to take a step back. You don’t know what the future holds, but be curious and open to it. If you are meant to be together, you will be and make it work. If not, you will be ok too. Do some lovely things, go out, buy flowers, anything that makes you feel good.
Thanks Newbie.:))) I guess that listen the reason I wanted to write to him and I wrote a draft was because if he is not responsive then I will break it off, I am ready. There are things like this necessary for closure. I do not want to suffer anymore. What this man loved so much about me was that I was loving, passionate and sensitive.
So you say nothing should be said on my part? I often write to myself about my thoughts what I would say if I freely could, most the time I do not send them. This is a way to control myself. OTOH, this is my boyfriend and I never ever called this man during the five months of the relationship. Occasionally I emailed and very very rarely texted.
Why do you think I am all over the place? Of course I am confused not knowing what is going on.
I am also torn because while I want to remain myself in a relationship, I also love him dearly for who he is but you know that relationships are often a power struggle.
I listen to you girls, if you say do not write, of course I will not. It has not been bad when I did.
Yes, I am invested and he was very invested in certain ways too. He invested a large part of his inheritance in me in my business among others, just like that no papers. Of course you are more inclined to trust a person like that. Perhaps he thinks I did not trust him enough.
definitely write it out, even if you decide not to send it, it will be cathartic for you, it is not healthy to bottle things up and I really think you should send it to him because he probably has no idea how upset you are.
Jessica has, and continues to give you the voice of calm and reason on here.
You are simply working yourself up into a mess…. I totally get it. We have all done this at some point.. Yet in the end one of two things happens. We either end up being wrong and waste energy, emotions, etc., on nothing. On made up thoughts. Because right now everything you juxtapose are made up.. Not based on any facts whatsoever.
The second outcome, is that in some ways it’s true.. But by that time, we usually get so wound up and feel this need to explode at him, we create what we most feared.
No one can guarantee a positive outcome… But no one can guarantee a negative one either if you try to calm down and calm your thoughts.
Nothing you say or do right now is going to change anything. That’s why you feel so frustrated and helpless. A way to get around this is to change your mindset and stop giving him all the power for your happiness and future. If you realize you will be just fine, one way or the other, things have a way of comi together for the best. You can only control you and you should never allow someone else to control your future.
I can admit to a few time where I was feeling out of my mind.. Crying. Pacing the floor. Feeling desperate for answers…its a miserable place to be. Give yourself a break from this. Just let your mind calm and don’t feel the need to have to connect with him right now on any level. Acting out of emotion is the worst possible way to deal with things.
I didn’t say to not communicate. I think you do need to talk. From a calm place because in the end you both want to figure out if you are on the same page. I do think its a bit weird that he suddenly stopped calling, that might be him pulling back, but on the other hand, you just don’t know: he could have issues with his children, phone broke down, or just preoccupied. I’m only suggesting to take a deep breath. Do some yoga or meditation, it can really help.
BTW, that is THE thing, I discussed compatibility issues completely rationally and I think he was not used to this rational, cold thinking from me, he loved the passionate and loving me, so now I am confused. My mom also thinks I should just pick up if he does end up calling and not act overly nice but not make a big deal about anything. Which is better? I am really confused now because if I do send the email, what do I have to lose? Not sure what would be best but again I am in an emotional state of mind and I do realize that, that is why I am here asking you girls now. As I said easy to give advice from the outside than to know what to do in a situation where your heart is involved too.
Thanks girls, Ashley and Newbie totally understand. Yes we do need to communicate. Not sure if I should show you girls the letter I wrote but it is emotional. That was what he loved about me. But you may laugh at me. Something happened. Last time I gave him pace he came around but slower after our rational talk.
Before when I used emotions, it had a much bigger effect on him as I think he is more of an emotional person himself somewhere.
XYZ every time I panicked until now I have been wrong but this feels totally different, I cannot explain it, which is why I thought of the letter. There are all the rational thoughts that I am wrong to have a bad feeling but there are also those stemming from Jessica’s connection theory.
If he is gone, I lose nothing by writing, he is not a bad person outside romantic relationships. I will not feed his ego.
And sorry if I am all over the place, I guess the only time I post is when I feel I am really in trouble emotionally. Otherwise, I am 90% of the time rational and love to listen and contribute. But we are girls after all.
Do you feel better after writing? I hope you are feeling better :)
First, you are working yourself up into a frenzy. Nothing has changed since the other day when you were in a calm place. Sure, you have had some feelings about things and he didn’t call before the holiday – but nothing else has changed. He hasn’t told you: I don’t want to be with you or my feelings about you have changed. Based on what you know, things are the same. However, you are projecting all this meaning onto the fact that he didn’t call. There are many reasons why he may not have called, including that he may have tried calling but didn’t get through. I think you need to assume things are the same and calmly discuss your feelings with him when you talk again.
Also, you mentioned that relationships are a power struggle. I don’t agree with this thinking and I think this may be part of where your thinking is getting mixed up. I think healthy true love doesn’t involve a power struggle. That’s what we want to get to – there is no need to fight for power – there is love, respect, loyalty, trust, commitment, pleasing each other…the ultimate love is unconditional – no need to exert power over the other. Yes, maybe at the beginning you keep your power to decide whether this is the person for you and whether they feel the same – but if and when you both choose each other, the aim is to become one – to surrender to love, no longer needing power over each other. I know this isn’t 100% always true but that’s the aim – that is pure love.
Right now, you are thinking, he doesn’t love me because he didn’t call me and I asked him to call me. In other words, he didn’t do what you said, so he’s rejecting your request and, therefore, rejecting your love as well. But what if he loves you? You clearly love him. Is your love conditional on the fact that he does everything you tell him to? What if he makes a mistake? What if he tries to do what you say but for whatever reason can’t do A, B or C? What if he asks you to do something and you don’t? Should he get upset and walk away from you? Do you see where I am headed with this? You need to have some patience. When a man has shown you that he’s trying…give him the benefit of the doubt.
Right now you have a lot of questions….does he love, are we right for each other, do we have a future together? That is where you are now, but you are also close to stepping into the relationship page. Are you going to show him that you have conditional love for him and will be difficult to love in return if you two get married? Or are you going to show him that you are a patient, self assured woman who he can make happy and be easy to love? A man wants to be successful at his relationship. Help him. Guide him on how to make you happy, but like a teacher, you must be patient if he’s not perfect. Obviously, this is reserved for a guy who’s worthy and who has made it into your life. If he’s trying and giving you his best, shouldn’t he get your best in return? Be your best self right now – for you and him.
You asked me why my ex and I broke up. I will tell you some portions of our story – some of the important parts – maybe this will be a good distraction. He and I met in college – in a class about the middle east conflict. He had been watching me for days (I sat in the front of class and he in the back – there was about 100 ppl in class). One day we had an earthquake, not a bad one, but enough that the teacher said, okay class, we are going to end early. Everyone filtered out…he came up behind me and said: hey, that geek that you sit next to in class, that’s not your boyfriend is it? I was appalled. I said: He is my friend and I don’t appreciate you calling him a geek! And I walked away in a huff. He chased after me and said: wait, I’m sorry. I just wanted to ask you out for coffee. I was like, you just called my friend a geek, why would I go out with someone so rude? He said, come on, its just a coffee. If you hate me at the end, you never have to speak to me. Anyway, we went for coffee and he impressed me with his intelligence and sense of humor and we started to have chemistry. So he asked me out again for the following night. We went out and sparks started to fly but I didn’t sleep with him for like three months. We started dating regularly – he was working a lot outside of school, but he always found time to see me whenever he could – more on the weekends. He was funny and would make me laugh. He loved to make me laugh. At some point we had that date that I mentioned above – he was falling for me and I him.
One day we went somewhere with his cousin and his friend – now this friend, let’s call him George, was a bit of a geek, not an attractive guy I guess. We are driving somewhere, I don’t remember where and I’m talking to George, I don’t remember what about, but he was a really nice guy and very smart, so we were having this deep conversation. I saw my ex looking at me in the mirror smiling. He told me later that he loved that I gave this guy, who had never been able to get any girl’s attention, my undivided attention and respect. That I didn’t judge George based on his looks. I honestly didn’t notice his looks at the time – I am going by how my ex described him to me when he told me later. But he said that that really made him fall in love with me. Weird right? So sometime right after this, we had a date planned, and I was waiting for him to pick me up. He called me and said he’s ten minutes away – I said okay I’m ready – he said, I just wanted to tell you something – I love you….I love you Jess. I had to tell you, I couldn’t wait until I got to your house – I knew it this minute and wanted to tell you. By then I was completely head over heels and told him I loved him too. I was almost crying because I really did love him. We had a great relationship – we never fought. However, his parents were constantly interfering. Because I was not Jewish, they did not think that he should be with me. So his father played a lot of head games with him. We broke up once or twice due to this – he was young still and he didn’t know what to do. But he loved me so much, we would never stay broken up, because his heart was telling him that I was right for him. His mother finally played the guilt card – that they would disown him if he married me and then he wouldn’t be able to run the company and it would go out of business and he would leave his parents destitute. I am not kidding – this is what she said to him. So we broke up again. I left town for the summer to go back east to clear my head. I had applied to law schools and was deciding where to go.
Two months go by, he and I had been talking on the phone, but I had written off that we would ever be together. It made me sad, but our phone conversations were fun and sexy still – that was just how we were with each other. We didn’t fight – we were always good to each other – even through all of this. I tried to start dating – I hate dating, always will. I started a temporary job until I decided what I was going to do. I met a guy there, he liked me, I thought he was cute. I started dating him a little. I started to be less available to talk on the phone to my ex. This made him go crazy. He did not want to lose me.
I sent him a poem that I had written about us – it was truly tragic and beautiful. Before he got it, he left for Israel to clear his head. He visited family, uncles, cousins. He talked to them about what was happening with him. One uncle asked him: do you love her? His answer was yes, absolutely with all my heart. The uncle said, then what the f&%k are you doing here, go get her! So he went back home, saw my poem, and told his parents to f%&k off and that he was marrying me whether they liked it or not. And you know what they said? Okay. We know you love her. Just like that, they backed down.
So he called me on the phone – at work – and asked me to marry him. By then we had broken up several times because of his parents and I had felt so rejected and so exhausted that I had given up. So when he asked me this I was like, what? I started dating this guy and now you want to marry me? So I can just get broken up with again? My trust in him had wavered. I didn’t think he had thought it through. So I said no. I ended up marrying that guy that I started dating at work – three years later.
Of course, I still loved my ex. No matter how much I didn’t want to take a chance, I still loved him. I later learned that he became deeply depressed and didn’t date for four years after we broke up. He threw himself into work – he traveled the world so that he wouldn’t have to be home and be reminded of me. One time, he was in the Bahamas and was sitting on the end of a dock thinking about me. Now of course, he never told his friends on the trip that he was still not over me – these were friends that didn’t know me. So he was sitting there looking at the moon and suddenly a guy walked across the dock yelling “Jessica! Jessica!” And he looked at the guy to see who he was and around to see who he was yelling at. And then when he looked back again the guy had disappeared.
Anyway, this is how we broke up the first time. Because of religion and interference – but ultimately, I probably made a mistake. My solace is that I have two beautiful children from that mistake and that was meant to be.
We got back together later right after we both were divorced (surprise, surprise). This is a long post, so I will post how that went later. We didn’t break up because of problems in our relationship – again, it was something else. The LDR took its toll and neither of us could move for a very long time.
I hope that my post isn’t too long. I truly hope that tonight and tomorrow go fast for you. You will be okay regardless of what happens with your BF!! You are a great lady, I can tell, and you will get your happy ending. Just try and believe.
Hi Girls, I have not read your post Jessica yet I will.
Ashley, yes I wrote it out but left it at that. Never sent it.
Problem is today he sent me a Whatsupp I am like what the f…It made me really upset.
Apparently Jessica he does use his phone during the holiday or at least he is using it today, then he could have called me last night or Sunday night too.
Now I get a text like nothing happened and you know exactly what I feel like, a booty call.
I am leaving this unanswered. Like he does not have time or energy to even write me good wishes before the holiday and he has no time to think about me for days when we are supposed to be commited just like that but out of the blue he sends a text?
Give me a break. I am fuming. I think if he calls I will not answer, sorry, there are things that are absolutely not ok with me. A man that is supposed to be an important part of my life or it absolutely seemed that way from his level of interest does not do this to me because to me this is lack of respect and I expect to be treated with respect.
Now my feelings have changed. Yes I calmed down Jessica but how can you believe in or trust someone after this? The problem may be with him.
I also do not want to talk to him because I prefer to not blow up on anyone and if anyone hurts my feelings, I do not talk usually for that reason, I hate hurting others.
I can wait it out. He can call and he can email, if he tells me that he does not want to continue, that is fine, it is not about my ego, it is about my sanity that I do not deserve this nor do I want to be put through it.
Of course there are stages and cycles. But we had a level of connection an depth to our relationship that was never casual, I mean the guy thought of marrying me after he met me!
So we go from hot to cold, thanks and no thanks.
And if someoone says that I am all over the place, that is fine. I think that when people go through emotional turmoil it just happens.
So I think my ex was wrong – I just looked at the goisrael and chabad websites and on that they say only the first day and the last are observed as Shabbat inside Israel. (Outside, I believe the first two and the last two are). It so confusing! So maybe he can finally use his phone today! I would not assume he could yesterday. The only way to know for sure is to ask him what he observes. Ask him how is Sukkot observed in Israel, you are confused.
You have every right to feel however you feel. No one is saying you shouldn’t. I am just saying don’t jump to conclusions about any of his actions before you get the whole picture.