Dating for 3 months, he's on vacation and I just found out he recently broke up


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  • #388362 Reply
    Maria

    Hi ladies,

    I’m a new poster here and I really need your advice decoding a weird situation. I’ve done a lot of reading on this forum and I would really appreciate your honest feedback!

    So, I’ve been dating this guy for 3 months now. He has always been a little reserved and insecure but has always made the effort with me. In the first 2 months we saw each other a lot, 2-3 times a week, and I really enjoyed spending time wiyh him – I believe that feeling is mutual. He said quite early on it’s hard for him to settle down and commit to a serious relationship because of past experiences. Respecting that and having been hurt in the past myself, I haven’t been pushing him but I have made clear a serious relationship is what I want and that I won’t settle for less. I am willing to be patient, however – of course to a certain extent only. He’s been slowly opening up more, for example sharing some very intimate stuff about his family. At one point he told me he was married but got divorced 3 years ago, and that was a painful experience to him.

    The problems, or my insecurity, not sure what this is about, begun in December when he was super busy with work and had less time to see me. We went from 2-3 dates a week to merely 1 a week. I got really soaked up in my own insecurity and had all these bad feelings about the whole thing but kept it all inside. I did tell him tho that I would love to see him more often and he said the same. Looking back, he did try to contact me and ask me out even during the times he was busy but I was too big a mess in my head to see it. We haven’t really talked exclusivity but we both know we are sexually exclusive. However he’s been on Tinder all the time I’ve known him and it really bugs me. Also, he’s told me he sometimes thinks I’m not that interested because I try to do what everyone here seems to be saying is the way to go, let him initiate contact and take the lead.

    Now he’s been abroad on vacation for 2 weeks and only texted me a couple of times. I’ve had all the time in the world to do stuff I wouldn’t normally do, i.e. stalk his FB. I found out he broke up just a couple of months before I met him. He never told me about this relationship, only his marriage and some “short” relationships he had after, so I don’t know all the details. Based on the stuff I found out on FB, they must’ve been together about 10 months. She is still friends with his dad and brother. The guy just moved into a new place and has openly told me he’s been shopping for furniture with an ex (not specified which one) and I’m afraid it might be this latest one.

    My question to you is, what does my situation look like to you? And most importantly, what should I do when he comes back from the vacay tomorrow? I have a terrible urge to bring all this up with him but I know that would just push him away. I know you’ll probably tell me to bring my best self to the relationship, enjoy it as it and see what happens. But all this insecurity is KILLING me! Honestly, I do think he is interested and wants to see where things would go with me. But I also think he’s not over his past relationships and is using me as a placeholder. My gut feeling is that if I want this to work out, I need to be patient and loving but I feel like it’s too much. I mean, I’m hurting and I want to be sure he’s serious with me (or even heading that way) but at the moment I have no idea what’s going on. Please help!

    #388369 Reply
    Stefanie

    Hello Maria and welcome.

    OK… so here we go. I think you’re a smart girl and your intuition that he’s not over past stuff and is using you as a placeholder is exactly correct. The problem is, you’ve gotten too invested and hooked in too quickly.

    I would also be annoyed if a man I was sleeping with was still on a dating site… HOWEVER, as you are not official BF/GF he hasn’t done anything wrong, if you can see that.

    Set the standard a little higher honey. Keep sex off the table until you know you are in an exclusive relationship full stop, not just sexually. That’s half the loaf. So now your actions are not matching your words to him that you want nothing less than a serious relationship, can you see that?

    He’s told you he’s shopping for furniture with an ex??? Uh, NO.

    Based on the info you’ve given here I say he’s a poor risk for a LT commitment and I would take this time while he’s away to unhook yourself and back off. Stop sleeping with him. He’s getting the goodies with no effort. That will not motivate him towards you. As one of our LT posters (Lane) says, you can’t sex a man into a relationship and this is true.

    Best wishes.

    #388370 Reply
    Stefanie

    Oh and… Be patient and loving so it will work out? NO. You are stuffing your feelings and not being true to yourself, and that never serves in a relationship or either party in it in the long run. It just makes you a doormat.

    #388379 Reply
    Maria

    Hi Stefanie,

    Thank you for the reply. I agree 100% with what you said, so thank you for confirming my intuition. I have actually been distancing myself from him while he’s away and the thought of us not getting back together doesn’t seem all that daunting anymore. I mean, this early on in a relationship you’re not supposed to feel what I’m feeling now, right? If it’s this difficult this early on, it’s probably not going to get any easier. I’ve even practiced giving him the “breakup speech” a million times in my head lol :) But it frigging hurts! He is a nice guy and he will make a great bf for someone when he’s ready. How do I get it through my thick skull that I’m just not the one and I deserve better than to sit around and wait for him?

    #388380 Reply
    Maria

    Oh and great point you had on having to be fully exclusive before sex enters the equation. I’ll remember that in the future. I slept with this guy after a month because I felt comfortable doing so. But I do feel that in the past month he’s just used me for comfort, not just sex but you know all the physical closeness and patting his head when he’s feeling down. I don’t feel like I’m getting enough in return. I’m ending this if/when he gets in contact.

    #388388 Reply
    Stefanie

    Be really positive in this speech and keep it short. Something like…

    “I really enjoy being around you, our time together has felt great. I’m feeling like we may be on different pages though. I want you to be happy doing what you want to do and I notice things like your shopping for furniture with someone else (and one or two other examples), which makes me feel like you may not be up for the same kind of relationship I want. I”m not sure, I could be wrong in what I”m concluding. What do you think?”

    And then see what he says.

    Now don’t make it easy for him to keep his security blanket! The point here is to get talking genuinely about where you are both at in life and if it’s a match. If it’s not, then you end it. If there is any chance you are indeed misinterpreting where he is, it will come out and you can get some clarity.

    Damn. I’m getting good at constructing these conversations for other people!! I hope this helps you!!!

    #388389 Reply
    Stefanie

    Another good phrase to use is… I know this is my issue. Can you help me here? Men like to help.

    #388399 Reply
    Maria

    Hahah great advice again, Stefanie! I wish I could have you talk me through the talk with an ear microphone or something :D

    The thing is, we’ve talked about this whole thing twice. The first time I told him about my shitty past relationships that for the past couple of years have been sort of shallow and said that now I’m looking for the real deal, a serious committed relationship. I tried to word it so that he didn’t feel pressured, I just wanted him to know what I’m after. He got my point and that’s when he told me it’s hard for him to be in a serious relationship because of past experiences. However, he put in 200% more effort after the talk and I felt secure. For a while. Then when we saw each other less in December, I reminded him of what I want right before Christmas and he said he remembered and that he would also love to spend more time with me. I know it’s too early to judge his actions now (=after talk no 2) because he’s been away the whole time but somehow him knowing what I want and always putting in more effort after he’s reminded of that gives me hope. But I know, relationships – and people – don’t survive on hope alone.

    I think your draft speech is great because it would actually make him have to give me some kind of an answer. So far I’ve only let him know how I feel and what I want and then just wait for his actions. He’s not a talker, at all lol ! But even though we were on the same page, I’m questioning whether we really are a match. He just doesn’t make me happy the way I would like him to.

    #388400 Reply
    Maria

    Oh, and I just did some more FB research – ya I know I shouldn’t have but just couldn’t help myself. The ex (the most recent one he’s never mentioned of and the one I just found out about) is friends with basically all his best friends. I suck at breaking up and remaining friends so this might just be me, but is it really ok for her to be still be friends with his friends and family almost 6 months after the breakup? Just doesn’t seem right to me.

    #388426 Reply
    Lagirl

    He told you upfront that he has a problem doing committed relationships…

    This is not that complicated. When a man tells you this upfront, you being ‘patient’ isn’t going to change anything.

    A man who sees a future with you, would never say such a thing.

    This is once again, an example of where women do not pay attention to what a man tells her. Instead she makes up a new story in her mind. In your case, you said you were willing to be patient and see what would happen.

    You can bring this up once again, if you feel it necessary, yet he has told you more than once he isn’t going to do a serious relationship with you. He likes your companionship, but that is all he is going to offer.

    #388448 Reply
    Stefanie

    LOL Maria… ever seen the film Broadcast News? 1987, Holly Hunter and William Hurt and Albert Brooks in the lead roles. Hurt has to report on a breaking news event and he doesn’t know that much about it so through an IFB (interruptible feedback device) in his ear, she tells him what to say and he calmly says it. It’s a good scene. Might be on YOuTube? But the film is worth watching.

    I know of a few cases where the man swore up and down he was never getting married or never having a relationship and it was a case of “the gentleman doth protesteth too much) and he actually came around eventually. But that’s something you know in your gut. The ladies in the case say that they heard him but they knew he wasn’t telling the truth. And they didn’t wait on him, they continued their lives until he came after them. Otherwise… LAgirl is right. When a guy says upfront he has trouble with committed relationships…. believe him and take a wide berth around.

    #388468 Reply
    Phillygirl

    I think Lagirl has summed it up perfectly. If you meet a man who tells you at the very beginning he is looking for something different than what you know you want and need…wish them well, and walk away.
    You told him you were looking for commitment, he told you he wasn’t.

    Who cares if “they might change their mind”.Why start out trying to fight an uphill battle?

    The start of the weeding out process is at the very beginning, when you each reveal what page you are on, and what you are looking for.
    It’s been said many times here “if a man says he doesn’t want a relationship/commitment etc, believe him.”
    Just use this as a learning experience of what not to do going forward ;)
    Wishing you the best of luck

    #388476 Reply
    Lane

    Ok ladies, I’m going to shock you here!

    When a man says this its not ALWAYS the truth! Some talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk where they WILL commit if they fear losing her—that’s the sum of the equation!

    Maria, the only way you will know is if you pull back, go NC, and see what he does. When I did this it FREAKED the guys out! Although I wasn’t doing it to freak them out, I did it because it was becoming all too consuming and needed to re-balance my life and get back to focusing on and doing things I had been neglecting.

    Never neglect yourself where taking some space and time to yourself is a healthy way of managing your thoughts and emotions. A man who truly wants to be with a lady will STEP UP and if not, then you have your answer.

    #388478 Reply
    Lafirl

    Even Eric says you are wasting your time when a man says such things. Sure there are always exceptions. But odds are he isn’t going to commit when he says such things.

    #388480 Reply
    stefanie

    Lane… you are right. As I said, I’ve seen a few cases of it. Also, the guy I just split from… I have a sneaking feeling might not have told the truth about a few things, but thing is I have a business to run and I can’t give him any more time now because of the way he’s acting and it’s a new year and I have to get on with it. Yams and a number of other people have said, oh he’ll be back, and maybe he will be. If he comes around, it will NOT be because I sat there being all sweet and available and understanding!! And it’s the same for our girl posting here.

    #388483 Reply
    Phillygirl

    While I think a man could change his mind, I just don’t understand the idea of trying to usher things forward when someome says upfront they don’t want commitment?
    It just seems like unnecessary effort and a waste of time to me. But that could just be me.
    My personality is very direct and no-nonsense. I believe my time is too valuable to waste.
    Now, I’m not calling people a waste of my time, but I tend to be very rational in some respects and look for where the odds are better.
    I also don’t want to have to “convince” a guy. Is it a princess mentality to think they should want me enough to put the effort in, or for me to be okay walking away from someone who says upfront they aren’t?
    ..And that last one was a sincere question. I’m curious what you wonderful ladies think…

    #388484 Reply
    stefanie

    I don’t think it’s princess, it’s prize mentality. It’s healthy.

    Here is an interesting book to read on this subject: Falling In Love Backwards. It’s about a woman who refused to give up on a man who wouldn’t commit to her and they eventually married and are the loves of each other’s lives. Check it out.

    I say it’s down to your gut feeling. 7/8 of the time though you’re best off walking away when they say that. It’s fair warning.

    #388489 Reply
    Phillygirl

    Thank’s Stef. I guess I also don’t waste my time because i generally have very accurate and insightful gut instincts that I’ve learned to trust.

    While I’m sure that book is a vey interesting read, that woman sounds like someone I could never be. I have never chased anyone who didn’t want me, if anything if that ever seems to be the case, I walk away. I guess in some ways I’m an Alpha female, but also a contradiction- in the sense I am very much a girly girl in tune w/her feminine side that likes a man who wants to take care of me.

    Part of that maybe comes from being a single mom who has to do everything (be both mama and daddy) and that includes financially.

    #388493 Reply
    stefanie

    I read the book as it was recommended by a woman who knows Diane and Landon, the couple who wrote it. He pulled some crap that had me seriously pissed off at her for sticking around for it, but she knew in her gut they were right for each other and stood up to him for them as a couple time after time… and was right. It’s worth reading. in the end I was cheering for her that she stuck to her guns and for him for coming to his senses. It’s an interesting perspective. Google the book title, they have a website.

    #388500 Reply
    Phillygirl

    Thanks Stef, I’ll look it up.

    But knowing me I’ll probably want to punch that woman in the face mulitple times for putting up w/such BS. LOL (I am not advocating physical violence btw)
    My BS threshhold is very low, I guess you could say I’ve developed very wide boundaries, but I don’t think thats completely unfair after some of the horrors I’ve been through.

    #388504 Reply
    Maria

    Ladies, wow thanks for all the insights! Sorry to take this back down to my situation but if you’re asking for my gut feeling, it says he cares about me. He’s introduced me to his friends (I know it may not seem like much to you but we’re not American so it is a bigger deal here :) ) and when I tell him I’m upset about something, he always makes the extra effort to step up. My gut also tells me he’s insecure and not fully over his past experiences. He saying it was hard for him to be in a serious relationship was his way of saying not now but please stick with me for a while. That’s why I’m at crossroads – at times I’m 100% happy with my life and willing to be a little patient with him. I’ve been doing NC for a month now and he still keeps in touch and asks me out, btw. I agree when it suits my schedule. He’s told me he’s not sure I’m that into him – is that his insecurities talking? On the other hand, I know I’m more invested than he is and feel like by supporting him emotionally I’m putting more effort in. That’s the times I’m hurting, like today. I know he’s a great guy and I don’t want to lose him because I was too hasty. You must know the feeling eh? Just how do you know when enough is enough?

    #388508 Reply
    stefanie

    A guy caring about you and DOiNG something about it are two different things. Remember that.

    How do you know when enough is enough? When you feel the balance tipped too far over to accommodating him over honoring yourself/maintaining your self respect.

    You can always do nothing until you feel clearer about things. Or you can let him know you’ll be busy for a few weeks and you are the one needing “space”… then use the time to get clear. The added benefit is it’s like a page break and then you can start a new chapter with him if you want to change the dynamic.

    #388510 Reply
    stefanie

    Get less invested, invest your time and energy elsewhere and then you will see him in a clearer light.

    #388518 Reply
    Phillygirl

    My short answer is this: If you are happy with the relationship as/is… stick around. If not, I think you should let him go.
    And the insecuirty issue is a big red flag in my opinion. It usually continues to pop up in a myriad of ways in the relationship, and ongoing.

    Insecurity is one of the most damaging traits in any relationship. I have learned to run from insecure guys, they make my life miserable. That’s just my take…

    #388650 Reply
    Maria

    Stefanie, you got me curious – what’s your situation? What happened with the guy?

    Phillygirl, this guy’s insecurities indeed are wearing me out sometimes. I’m not sure I’m happy with this whole thing. But as I said, at times I’m so super happy with my life I forget to stress about him and seeing him is just a nice bonus. I try to keep that mentality now because, well, 1) isn’t enjoying the moment the way to go in a new relationship, and 2) that way I stay sane – and a possible breakup won’t feel all that bad.

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