I was at a party with some friends, and one certain guy was there that was a friend of a friend. I had known him throughout high school but we never really spoke or spent time together. I was very much attracted to him and wanted to get to know him better. At the end of the night we ended up talking for hours and then impulsively slept together.
Not too much was expected afterward from either one of us. However, I spent the night at his house a few days later and we ended up hooking up again. The next day he sent me a note saying that he was really sorry but he wasn’t in the right mindset to be in a relationship right now and we should start spending time as friends and nothing more. As upset as I was, I accepted it and was happy to at least still have him as a friend. I really feel like we have connected ever since then. He shares everything with me, and me with him.
Over the next two months, we hung out as friends. We started to hook up twice but he immediately pulled away and said that he doesn’t want to hurt me. He said he wants me and that he really likes me but he couldn’t see the relationship going anywhere since we were both planning on leaving at the end of the summer. However, neither of us is planning on leaving anymore, so I can’t understand why he still won’t commit.
I feel like he’s afraid of getting hurt- he battles with depression issues and doesn’t seem strong enough to handle any sort of disappointment. I just get very confused because he runs so hot and cold with me. One minute I feel like he’s changed his mind and wants to further our relationship and make a commitment, but then he’ll pulls away. At this point, I’m not sure if I should wait it out and see where it goes because I’ve really started to like him and can see myself dating him. On the other hand, I feel like I’m wasting my time and it isn’t fair to put myself through the constant disappointment.
Is he ever going to come around, or am I wasting my time? Does he really like me or is he just making up excuses to cover his fear of commitment or lack of interest??
Read on for our guy’s response!
You said that you knew of him, but didn’t really know him or talk to him till that first night you met him. Then you slept together. Then you met up a few nights later and then you slept together again. Then he tells you that he doesn’t want a relationship. Now, it sounds to me like there must have been something that gave him the impression you were interested in some kind of future. At least, he interpreted something as meaning that.
You said that he is dealing with depression. If this is the case, then being in a relationship is definitely something he is not looking for. Why? If he is extremely unhappy with his life, his primary focus is going to be on working out his problem. And generally speaking, men do not want an audience for this.
With this section, I don’t typically give advice. I try to give a perspective on the situation and to inspire you to gain your own insights. My hope is that those insights will leave you (as the reader) feeling inspired and able to confidently make a decision one way or another.
In this case, I would say that pursuing a relationship with him would be a bad idea. Be a good friend. Give him space. Let him work out his issues and if he comes back around and pursues a relationship with you, great. Truth is, having a relationship is probably the furthest thing on his mind right now.
If you were to fall into a relationship with him, you would run a high risk of your relationship falling into the role of “patient and caretaker”. “Patient/Caretaker” relationships are founded on neediness, insecurity and unhappiness and the roles become habits, which actually perpetuate the neediness, insecurity and unhappiness. My opinion is that it’s better to avoid this completely and be friends and only friends. Give him space, be a good friend and let him do whatever he needs to get better on his own.
It’s a weird thing. Men actually want to be with a woman who won’t settle for less than their best. On a subconscious level, we know that being with a woman who challenges us to be our best is good for us because it motivates us to be on our “A” game.
When you pursue a relationship with a man when he is at his worst, he knows (on a subconscious level) that this would be a bad relationship to be in. You see the potential in him – you believe that if he could just “snap out of it,” that he would be a wonderful man and that he would see how wonderful you are.
In his depression, all he sees is that he hates himself and thinks he is the most worthless person on the face of the planet. When you pursue a relationship with him, he sees you as a woman who wants to be with the most worthless man on the face of the planet. That is not a mold you want to be cast in.
The relationship that he wants is one where the woman will only settle for a great man. From his perspective, being with a woman who doesn’t settle for less means that he has a motivation outside of himself to “snap out of it.” He doesn’t want a woman who validates his depression – he wants a woman who will expose the depression for what it is: an illusion of modern day luxuries.
I’ve said in previous Ask a Guy entries that the more effort you put into a relationship, the more you end up attached the person. More investment leads to more attachment. So if you spend your time pouring your heart and soul into wanting him and trying helping him and meanwhile he’s spending the majority of his time feeling sorry for himself, then it’s only logical that you’ll end up frustrated with the arrangement.
Anyway, this is all just my opinion. It may have been blunt and it may not have been what you want to hear, but this is just my opinion and ultimately you’ll make the decision that’s right for you.
– eric charles