Ask a Guy: We’re Dating, But He Still Checks post image

Ask a Guy: We’re Dating, But He Still Checks

I’ve been dating a guy for a month, we slept together recently and said we’d be exclusive. However, he still goes on (this is how we met). I don’t know that he is necessarily doing anything bad, maybe just chatting with women to stroke his ego… but it bothers me that he’s doing it .

I know I am being sneaky/snoopy by checking up on him to see how often her goes on the site (and he goes on often!), but I am looking out for myself. It’s not like I’d call this guy my boyfriend already, I know it’s still early… but what’s your opinion?

Is this guy bad news or should I just relax and be fine with the fact that he still logs on to at this point?

Author’s note: I have expanded the content of this article since it’s original post (as I do from time to time).  This is thanks, in part, to your excellent comments and questions from the audience.  As such, some of the comments (which I have preserved) bring up points that I have since addressed in this revision.

Right off the top, you mentioned that you and he have agreed to be exclusive.  It’s reasonable to interpret that as meaning you’ve agreed to not date anyone or sleep with anyone else, but I want to ask: when you agreed to be exclusive, how did this come about?  How clear was his side of the agreement to being committed?

I am asking because I don’t know if this agreement is assumed on your part or if he explicitly said, “Yes, you and I are exclusive…” or, better yet, “I want to be exclusive with you.”

I’ll explain why I bring that up in a moment, but at any rate I agree with you that checking his dating profile seems out of step with having an exclusive relationship with you…

I also wouldn’t even classify this as snooping, per se.  You didn’t hack into his phone.  You didn’t somehow break into and read his emails or texts.  You’re just seeing what he’s doing online and that information is freely available to the world.  Your motivations for checking up on this are worth looking at, though, because it gives me the feeling that either something inside you feels like you don’t quite trust this guy or that you don’t trust the relationship you’re in to have trust as a quality (and so you’re always checking and testing because you don’t have that trust to begin with… this is separate, but I want to address it for your sake in general).

If I were in your shoes, I would say something along the lines of: “Hey listen… when we talked a little while ago, you said we’re exclusive… that is what we agreed, right?”

(I would listen for if their answer is a clear “yes” or if it’s some vague, weird, wishy-washy response… in which case, I would interpret that as a not-yes and assume that you are definitely NOT exclusive and assume he is indeed acting accordingly…)

If he says yes, I would go on to say: “OK, good, that’s what I thought.  Look… we live in a time where everyone can see everything that’s going on online with people.  Something in me made me curious and I looked at your Match profile and saw you’d logged on recently after we said we’d be exclusive.  And I while it did make me feel confused and a bit nervous, I figured it’s always possible it could have been something innocent – maybe you were canceling the service, changing your billing info, etc.  But then I saw you kept logging in…

“So look… I’m not here to ‘catch you’ or worry about what you may or may not be up to… if you want something other than an exclusive relationship… if that’s not what you want with me or in general, 100% in your mind, heart, body and soul… then that’s honestly fine.  I don’t think it makes you a bad person, I wouldn’t hate you, I wouldn’t be mad at you.  Life is complicated and the heart wants what the heart wants.  So…

“When I saw this, it just doesn’t line up with someone who wants to be 100% exclusive.  Again, I don’t think it makes you bad, but I have to look out for myself.  I’m not going to be in something where I have to worry or wonder that the person I’m exclusive with is as ‘into’ the relationship as I am.  If this is a misunderstanding, explain it to me.  If this was a mistake, tell me… I can forgive, but I won’t forget.

“Life is to short to spend our time, energy and youth on something that isn’t spectacular.  So if you do want an exclusive relationship with me, let’s go all the way.  Let’s have it be spectacular and go all in… or let’s not do it at all.  I’m fine with either and if you don’t want that, we can part ways as friends – sincerely, no hard feelings.  And if you do want it, let’s clear the slate and commit to that.”

Now… I’m really not one to spoonfeed words to anyone reading my articles.  You rarely see me do that.  However, in this case, I feel that the conversation points I laid out above do more to instruct than even my explaining of my viewpoint would have…

So in this first section, I wanted to walk through getting clear on how committed he really is in the first place.  As I’ve said many times before, it is in your best interest to remain single until a man steps up to enthusiastically, clearly and sincerely propose a committed relationship with you.

Now to keep that in perspective, I also say it’s in your best interest to do and be everything you can in order to make the kind of men you desire to really want to commit to you.  Everyone wins.

When both people really want a great relationship, the relationship feels effortless.  That is not to say that no effort goes into the relationship – my statement is that the work that the relationship takes doesn’t feel like effort… it feels like a labor of love… a meaningful contribution to something worthy, fulfilling and great.

People are so quick to snap up something half-hearted and then try to make that half-hearted relationship into something more.  I’m not saying that never ever works out, but you are much more likely to succeed in your love life when you take the easy path which is: Say NO to what is what you don’t want and learn what makes what you want most likely to come to you.

So this may or may not be a situation you need to say NO to…

It is possible that when you talk to him, you’ll gain insight into his position.  Only you can decide if what you learn convinces you to keep participating in the relationship or not.

I said earlier that it’s worth looking into your own sense of trust in relationships since our internal relationship with trust can have a large impact in our relationships…

Distrust is a slippery slope.

You will never, ever know what the other person is doing at all times. In this case, you know he goes on because you can see it. But since the beginning of time, men and women have had to learn to trust one another in their relationship.

I can tell you from personal experience that this was a skill I needed to learn. In my past, there have been times when even though the relationship was good, my insecurity would eat away at me. I would think things like, “Well, things seem good, but what if she’s doing something behind my back and playing me for a fool, etc. etc.” This type of thing has a lot more to do with  our own personal insecurities and not so much with what the other person is or isn’t doing.

A problem with suspicion and snooping is: the more you fear and suspect, the more that fear and suspicion eats away at you and creates more fears and suspicions!

This creates a vicious cycle that destroys trust in the relationship and ultimately causes a problem where there was none.

Trust is very hard.

You have to remember that you don’t know his full story yet. At this moment, you are reading into the situation negatively, assuming that he has bad motives or could be playing you.

The fact remains though that you don’t know, but hopefully having a conversation with him will bring you closer to knowing.  It might, it might not.

It is true there are dishonest people in the world and it’s perfectly reasonable and healthy to be suspicious when you get the sense that you’re with someone who’s lying to you.  We have great instincts for this sort of thing.

However, there are times where we ourselves are paranoid… perhaps because of negative beliefs we have or prior bad experiences.  My only point in bringing this up is that we always want to leave room for self examination and ask, “Could any part of this be coming from me?”  I say this not from a blaming standpoint, but for the purpose of seeing where you might be limiting yourself and thus a place where you could improve and empower yourself (and your relationships as a result).

Yes, it’s scary. Yes, sometimes things don’t work out, trust gets broken and/or people get hurt. But that is the game of life and love – if you’re going to play at all, go all in.

Hope it helps,

-eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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Similar story, Daring a guy that I was serving hand and knees, he said we were boyfriend and girl friend. After he said this and we finally had intercourse after two months he went a bot cold and stayed cold as I continued to do all these things for him. I got a bad feeling so I spied on his daring account made up a fake person I knew was his type and waited. A week later I went to check and yes he was coming on to this fake person with one message after the next. I went to his home and asked him if he was on the daing site, he said NO! I had already at the beginning of our relationship told him that being on there while he is with me is unacceptable and he agreed to close his account.I told him I knew he was lying he lied some more bu then the truth slowly came out, He lied to me again just to sleep with me again and I caught him again, More lies about what he said he wasn’t agreeing with his family all our conversations were shared and I was confused as to how his mom always knew what was going on between us except his lies! I feel used and betrayed and very hurt and after a month still angry, He has apologized profusely but it means nothing, he doesn’t want me back nor I ever him. he still would use me as he tried again by letting me help him but not letting me stay at his home when I had to travel to his town to do stuff for him or at least offering which I wouldn’t anyway but an offer would have me think he at least cares. Im trying to be a friend to him but I just don’t want to see him ideally ever again unless his parents die, I’d appreciate your thoughts if you are willing to share, how to move on without anger in my heart. He cost me so much! Did he ever respect me? And how could someone care but play you for a month like this?

Reply July 26, 2021, 3:10 am


Went through something similar. Met someone on, we seemed to have instant chemistry, there was future talk, like adventures we were going to have, things we were going to do, trips we were going to take, repairs he was going to help me with in my home. We slept together, third time together, it just happened quickly, I was not expecting it and I assumed it meant he was my boyfriend. I am in my early 50’s and I guess somewhat naive, although I should know better I have dated my share. This guy seemed like a good guy and genuine, hard worker, dad type. Well I checked match a couple of weeks later and noticed the little green circle that he had been on recently, I brought it up via text to him, he said he was only interested in seeing me, he wasnt looking for anyone else. I left it alone. I hid my profile and would check his and he didnt go on for about three weeks at all, this was during the height of COVID19 quarantine. Two months in I checked again and found he had logged into match and also I found a zoosk account. What made me check was his hot and cold attitude toward me, his failure to deliver on any of the talk of things we were going to do, even stuff we could have done during quarantine, like the promised drive even to the beach or park. He stated he must have logged in by accident, after a fight and not speaking to him for a week we got back together with more promises from him. He was going to delete both his accounts but they reactivated before he could, or so he said. His promises never panned out, It turned out I was driving back and forth to his home and we would have takeout, and be intimate. This dwindled from twice a week to once a week. His texts dwindled. He said he was really busy at work. I checked his accounts after about another month and a half, he was recently active on both zoosk and match, I sent him a like from an old account I had on match just as a test, he answered back, this account didnt even have a photo! So I ended it with him, he told me it wasnt healthy for us to see each other anyway, because he didnt want the commitment I did and wasnt falling in love with me. So this is just some advice, listen to your vibes, your gut feelings, dont make excuses in your head for anyone, dont try to just see the good, be realistic, it hurts to face the truth, especially when you are lonely, but ladies dont waste your time. These men are on a constant quest for something better, alot of them have been hurt by their exes and they cant commit, dont want to commit, have unrealistic expectations, and perhaps want to inflect some pain on others because they are damaged. It shouldnt be this difficult.

Reply July 23, 2020, 4:24 pm


Well now… I was on POF and Match and Silver Singles and I’ve cancelled them all and deleted my profile on all of them. Then I went back in and created new profiles with a burner email and phone number. Why? Research. Even though I cancelled and deleted my profile on each site, they all still showed me as active. Keep in mind I was signing in from a totally different ip address with a totally different cell phone number and email address. So I wouldn’t put a lot of stock into the online profile on the site. What I “would” put stock in is on your significant other’s browser. If it’s showing browsing and logging on then yeah – that’s an active involvement. I’m not invested in it for a relationship. It’ purely for a social psychological study. And no, I’m not actively encouraging connections and messing with other’s feelings. I’m simply observing.

Reply January 19, 2020, 4:56 am


I’ve been dating for 2 Mo and he told me on our second date that he was on match . He asked to be exclusive after 2 weeks and I said yes. when told me he was on Match I told him he should get out of there . Turns out last week I decided to check if he was there and I noticed he’s active basically daily. I confronted him by text and after 16 hours he send me this text. I’m very emotionally attached so I can’t see right from wrong. I really like him and I want to make it work. Should I forgive based on his explaining? Also he’s correct if not giving me reasons to doubt him. He says >> I told you when we first met that I joined a dating site , i paid for a 3 month subscription and since we began talking I cancelled however already paid the 3 months. I get notifications and when I close them it must say I’m active. I have not once replied to any woman nor searched since we have been talking. If you dont believe me log into my acct and check for yourself. My password is xxxxxxx . I have nothing to hide from you and not once locked my phone and it’s been accessible many times. NO I’m not looking for anything else other than YOU! I believe we have a strong relationship and have built trust with each another. I haven’t ever lied to you and hopefully you respect me enough not to lie to me. So please feel free to go into my acct and do as you please. “. Is this a valid answer ?

Reply September 7, 2019, 10:10 am


I have noticed that if you get email notifications from Match just opening one of the emails logs you in and shows you have been online. The email can be anything from here are your daily matches to a message from someone, and just touching or clicking the email causes it to open so be wary of jumping to conclusions

Reply August 8, 2017, 6:11 pm


That helped me thank you

Reply September 7, 2019, 10:11 am


I recently met someone on Match… We saw each othe twice and are planning to see each other again.. He said he’s really interested in pursuing a relationship with me and said when we first met he felt chemistry… However I haven’t been going on the site ,So I decided to log on to remove my profile and saw he was on line .. I texted him and said “You are not serious about a relationship with me.. I then went on to say .. ” it’s ok, no problem and good luck with your search.

Reply March 1, 2017, 4:08 pm


I agree with Susan, I do not feel convinced about what Eric said!

Reply October 13, 2016, 7:40 pm

Eric Charles

Hey there — I looked back at this article, which I wrote awhile ago, and I agree it missed some key points. What I wrote needed context and was missing the first section which really, really needed to be there. So I agree with you guys, this needed improvement and I got around to it. Read it again and I think you’d agree that the updated version is much improved.

As with everything, I write my opinions with the hope that it will help the readers be more effective in their love life… and when I feel something can be made better, I do it!

Reply October 15, 2016, 6:15 pm


What’s so funny about atl these response is how you all know he hs a dating profile still… That means you have one too… I went through this… Dated a guy… Liked him wants mite but he refused to be anything more than casual… Then when he saw i opened a new profile he was angry… Calling me a slut… Thing is hestill had his own profile… Maybe they know you’re checking or not but just confrontb them.. If they address it and say ok we are exclusive then you both let it go and never log in to check on them without reason…

Reply March 18, 2016, 3:19 pm


What do you do/what does it mean when he lied about deleting his account when I never even asked him to? I’ve dated a guy I’m definitely falling for for four months. We met online and things are moving In a more serious direction. He told me about 2 months in that he deleted his account. I didn’t really know how to react. I didn’t want to get too excited but I was happy to hear that. I didn’t delete mine but I stopped using it. I logged on and saw that he was active. We’ve never defined anything but really have let the relationship unfold, however why would he lie about this when he never needed to? I think this is a breach of trust and I want to confront him gently. I do have feelings for him but I don’t know what to do or if I can move forward.

Reply February 9, 2016, 11:02 pm


Ive been thru this anf r currently going thru this. Ive done everything i shouldn’t have done. My initial reacton was hurt and i approached him so wrong. I dont think he has physically cheated me hut the fact that he does continue to be active on these websites for whatever reason has real taken a toll on me emotionally and ofcourse the trust that have for him. All this crap about it being ok anf find ouy first is straight crap. For me in aby relationship. I would hope and wish there would be a certain level of respect. And its all bad now.

Reply February 4, 2016, 7:23 am


Is his name Jon? These Florida boys! Sarasota is like player capital of the world.

Reply December 18, 2015, 9:29 pm


I would have to say that if he’s still logging into a dating site he’s probably still shopping for a better deal. Unfortunately I think in this case Eric is giving women advise on how to give men exactly what they want, without the woman receiving what she wants. A lot of the time there are imbalances of power in relationships. Men have the tendency to “help a bro out.” I think Eric is helping the guys here, so they can get woman willing to give them their all, while they have their cake and eat it too. I was dating a guy who I discovered had a secret dating profile. We were sleeping together, so when I found it I told him I thought it was a great idea – it means we can have an open relationship and I can date and sleep with other men, while continuing to sleep with him also. He dumped me. I thought it was hilarious!!!!

Reply November 14, 2015, 7:38 pm

Eric Charles

You say, “A lot of the time there are imbalances of power in relationships.”

Relationships aren’t about power.

You’re saying I’m writing this to help a bro out. I’m writing this to help people out — I don’t look at relationship advice as men vs. women and women vs. men.

The last part of your post, saying that if he is shopping around (and potentially sleeping around), then you can too… yeah, I agree with that. Go for it, if that’s what you want to do.

Reply November 14, 2015, 9:09 pm


Absolutely agree with this post.
There’s no other reason to log back into a dating site, unless you’re shopping around for the next fling/relationship.

Eric is condoning the actions of a player and frankly it’s as obvious as night and day. Eric, you can justify, or play neutral to his action all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that a man who stated to a woman that he wanted exclusivity, is someone who would have no need to log back into a dating site.

Reply February 29, 2016, 4:08 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Chris — I get where you’re coming from with your comment.

I don’t condone or condemn actions of anyone – I listen to the reader’s question, look at the facts and share my opinion on the best way forward.

However… this is an old article during a time where I would get really big questions and edit them down to be shorter (in more recent years I generated my answers from more generalized questions and covered all the bases).

So I’m actually in agreement that this post would be better if it started out with a LOT more context.

In this original question, the reader had JUST gone exclusive with the guy and my comment was from a place of, “Give it a week or two to adjust…” The website was a lot smaller – a few thousand visitors a month versus the millions we get now. With the smaller, closer knit community, I didn’t write every article to cover everything I had said previous — nowadays I’m a lot more careful about covering ALL the bases, beyond what the original question’s situation covered (because people are coming in from all over the world with a range of issues and circumstances).

Plain and simple, I would say in general if you are dating a guy and you agree to be exclusive and then you see that they’re active on a dating site (or sites), then I would assume he’s still actively shopping the field. I would not trust that he’s being actively faithful in the exclusivity agreement you have with him.

If you **just** went exclusive, I would give a window of leeway though… not longer than 10 days… but I would give some space for them to adjust. Frankly, if someone isn’t sure they want to be exclusive with me, it’s probably a very good thing I find that out immediately and cancel the agreement before I invest time and energy into an agreement that they’re not honoring…

So yes, we’re actually on the same page and at some point I’ll modify this post – it doesn’t get many visits and it’s very old, so I just didn’t get around to it and expand it. I still stand by what I said if the proper context is included, but I agree this answer needs expansion to clearly explain the difference between a player’s behavior and a regular guy who just needs a little time and space to adjust (within reason).

Reply February 29, 2016, 8:57 pm

Confused girl

I met my boyfriend on a dating site. We have been together for a little over 6 months. We have established the gf/BF thing, introduce me as his gf, established monogamy, etc. so, I had a feeling he was on the dating site again. So, I checked. I did find him under some bogus name. He ended up actually messaging a true friend and I took over. I set up a fake account and we have been corresponding as my friend, but it’s actually me. I know, sneaky. He sent my “friend” pictures of himself and wants to meet her for a drink. So, I asked if he’s involved with anyone. To which he says no to her, but I’m texting him and emailing him at the EXACT same time as different people. He’s talking to me one way…telling me he is “smitten” with me..inviting me on trips places…taking me shopping…all the normal gf/BF stuff..what is going on? He doesn’t know I know…I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this role. It’s killing me.

Reply November 13, 2015, 5:57 pm


Listen, trust is very important. Take it from me I learned the hard way. If he continues to check the dating site drop him and save yourself some pain down the road. There is no reason for him to be on this site. I knew of a guy who did the same thing. He was in a “committed” relationship. They met online were together 2 years and he was still checking his site. When asked he’d make up excuses etc. She did her own investigation and found out that he was talking to other women from everywhere sometimes he would tell them he had a girlfriend but it was ending or he would tell them he is single. Please listen to your instincts and there is nothing wrong for a man or woman to check out their perspective other not in this day and age. Follow your guts. If he is trying this relationship with you ask him to delete his profile and you delete yours. You can always start it back up if it doesn’t work out. The internet and social sites are very tempting to people. Do yourself a favor if you don’t want to end it at least deactivate your dating profiles

Reply August 26, 2015, 9:27 am


Hi Eric,

great article, and I found it because I am in a similar situation and really need your advice on how to go about it.

I have met an army man on an online dating site about 6 weeks ago, and we pretty much hit it off right from the beginning. We talked for hours and both expressed how comfortable we felt talking to each other about any topic that you can think of. He is stationed on a US Army Base about 2.5 hours from where I live, so we knew that dating each other wouldn’t be that easy, but we also said to each other that we would make it work.

After 3 weeks of talking he came to visit me for the weekend, and there was no nervous or uncomfortable feeling between us, just really had an amazing time. We laughed so much, I couldn’t even remember when a guy made me laugh like that! We also slept with each other…yes I know it probably wasn’t smart to have sex on the first date, but after talking to each other that much, I think we both just went with the flow. I never had the impression that he just wanted sex, since he didn’t exactly initiate it, it just happened while cuddling on the sofa, watching a movie together. In general, he was never pushy or anything, but the opposite, and I got the impression of him as being a nice and honest guy. I have to add that I am 41 and he is 36, but he said he doesn’t care and neither do I. We talked a lot about what we want in life, our values and dreams, and they match almost 100%. We both want a faithful and loyal partner, and since his last girlfriend cheated on him constantly while he was deployed to Iraq (3 times), he said he really doesn’t have time for games. I believed him and since we had such a great and easygoing time with each other, I just went with the flow.

We saw each other again, two weeks afterwards, I went to visit him this time. He invited me to stay at his place and we again had a great time, very easygoing, no tension or uncomfortable feeling at all. I thought wow he really is an honest guy, what a catch! I was happy and I told him that and that I liked him a lot. He replied that he liked me a lot too. Once the “exclusivity” talk came up (from my end): I asked if he was still on that dating site, because I took my profile down about two weeks after we met. He said no, and when I asked if he is talking to other women too, he also denied and said I don’t need to worry because we are good, we are having a great time and that he is being honest. During that weekend we spent a lot of time walking around in the town where he lives, we had lunch and dinner in one of his favorite restaurants, and generally had a great time. We slept with each other again, and we also hit it off in that department too ;) So everything was really awesome and I just thought “I hope it’s not too good to be true!”. He once said to me that he loves sex with me but that a relationship shouldn’t be based on sex. He was right where I was with my opinion, so again – a match.

After that weekend we texted each other every day and spoke about every other day, since we both have time consuming jobs. A few days afterwards I got a text telling me that he got crazy news and that he couldn’t tell me now but would call me after work. I was very worried because I knew that as an army soldier, deployment is always imminent. After work he did call me and told me that they are being deployed to Turkey for about 50-90 days. I was shocked and sad about it, of course, especially since we just had spent a great weekend together but only met twice so far. This would put our “relationship” on hold and already up to a tough test. But I knew I had to be supportive and not dwell on my fears, so I did the best I could to cheer him up and not burden him with my worries. He kept me in the loop of events for the following days until he finally left for Turkey, and we spoke before he actually got on the plane. I knew it was going to be tough but hey, it was only for a few weeks, and we promised each other that everything would be fine, that he would be fine.

Today he is gone the third day only, and when he arrived there he texted me that getting a wifi hotspot is problematic, but that he would figure it out. He said his data on his phone wouldn’t work (I think he meant he didn’t want to risk paying for the roaming), but he would text me whenever he would get a chance.

Yesterday night I somehow had a weird feeling and just out of curiosity I went and googled his name. Up came a link to with his profile on it! Ok I thought maybe he just forgot about it but wasn’t active, but then I hovered over the little status dot besides his profile name, and it said that he was last online 13 hours ago.
My heart made a jump….. I also haven’t heard from him all day yesterday, but I didn’t think anything of it until I found out about the badoo thing. So I went into my Whatsapp (that’s how we communicate) and checked when my messages to him were actually read (I normally don’t pay attention to this), and it came out that he seemed to have been online at times when he told me that he didn’t have wifi on his phone. Here we are, I have doubts and feel uneasy about the whole thing.

So this morning I texted him the usual good morning text, please be safe out there etc. and he replied with a nice good morning text as usual, apologizing for not texting yesterday but he didn’t go to the wifi place but went to the base and finished settling in and going to bed early. I struggled with myself whether to bring it up or not about what I had found out, but then I decided to confront him. So I texted him jokingly that then Whatsapp must be messing with me, because it says he was last online last night around 9pm. He replied jokingly asking if I stalk him haha and that he didn’t know why because he turned off his roaming of data to not have a cost explosion. He also said that I should know that if he had a chance to get online, he would have texted me as he always does. Also that he got to go and wished me a great day and that we would talk soon. I replied no worries, but that I trust that he wouldn’t play games with me because that would be unnecessary. I also said that I wanted to be there for him and support him, and that what he gets from me is honesty and loyalty, but that I require the same. I added however, I know he wouldn’t take advantage of my kindness, and that I want him to feel hugged and to stay safe and alert out there. He didn’t reply to that one anymore because he obviously had gone offline already.

So that was the last communication we had, and I am kind of glad that I didn’t say anything about the badoo profile, but I am now feeling uncertain of what really is going on, and if I should leave it for now or until he comes back in October?
I mean we are just getting to know each other, and it’s still very new, but since I had asked him if he is still on dating sites or talking to other women, I feel like he wasn’t sincere by telling me he wasn’t.

I have to add that he struck me to be honest and good from the very beginning, and he never gave me reason to not trust him.Always texted me when he was out with friends, letting me know where he was and that he would call me once he got home etc. Whenever he said he would call or text, he did, and in situations when he was held up, he would always let me know. That’s why I am confused of what to think and do now……..I really need your advice!

I know this has become a long message, but I really hope you find the time to reply.
Thank you so much in advance!


Reply August 12, 2015, 5:03 am


My story is I am over 45 and back into dating (I was single for 3 years). I joined POF with some nice photos. I had 4 dates with 4 different men and 2 more wanted to date but were no shows. All we flops. The last one he was a no show the first date (which was an odd time sunday morning!). Hes a single dad with two grown kids at home, they sepd at xmas. He apologized 5 days later online that is was not me and said I was so gracious etc. So we got chatting another time he was having a party where he did the cooking (this made me feel bad as I don’t have a lot of contacts here)…then the next day we wanted to call me, so I gave my number. He said he did not show that day as he ex came to his home and found him on POF and freaked out. This was the reason. But he told me its long over their marriage and said she wont be allowed in his house or at least where his computer is anymore- I could hear anger in his voice. So then a few days goes by he asks if he can see me, so he comes over for coffee (it was sunday evening). Things went well I felt a good connection, we made out etc. Saw him one more time a few days later, then he said hes getting a hip surgery and has to work a lot of OT plus his daughter is moving to another city for college with her things hes been moving her. I offered to help with anything esp. when hes recovering at home, he said no thanks. He said he wanted to see me this Monday which is tomorrow (holiday). So 4 days goes by (we agreed he would contact me), he didn’t. It was my birthday so around 400 pm I left a message its my bday today, and also told him how I felt that I do like him, but I don’t want to be an option, I want to be a priority but know he cant provide that to me now (but what I told him by that is I need to see someone once a week a few hrs to see if it will work!). So 2 hrs later he messaged me. He said he enjoys being around me too. He said I not an option .He said he does not want to lead me on! He said maybe its best if we stop contact until after his surgery and hes well again (which could be 3-4 weeks!). Then he said he may not get to his computer much to message me!. But he has a phone, why would he say that? It that a way to twist my brain? So I then thanked him and said im going out for birthday drinks. 2 hrs later I went in, he had me BLOCKED. I left him a voicemail 1 hr later (just one) , its now sunday, he never called me back!! The next morning I saw him in there at 630 am, did some things, came back at 730 am, he DELETED HIS ENTIRE PROFILE! So I went in and deleted mine as well! I had an awful time on there with games, liars, people not showing up on dates, or they come and they don’t even like you or comment. One guy got mad cause I wanted him to confirm IM hes still coming!! Well I had 4 no shows in one week that’s why!!

Reply August 2, 2015, 11:07 am

Jacqui Kay

In addition to answer from Just me:

He already has pictures of me, I have sent by phone and I asked him that he had been online, he said it was because he was checking whether I had been online, I have left it a week and sure enough he has been online in the last 24 hours. I have removed all my pictures, so he can’t be looking at those lol

Reply July 11, 2015, 4:44 am


This doesnt even answer the post.

Reply May 6, 2015, 4:24 pm


Just recently went through this on another site. We dated for two months, spent a lot of good times together, dinners out, movies, nights out with friends, and eventually sex was involved. He told me that I made him very happy etc. Then he started pulling away, less texting, calls stopped, excuses started. I had a feeling he was lying to me about the excuses (its happened before). He claims that he needed time to himself, to get back to “personal responsibilities”, that he wasn’t happy with his life, financial problems etc. Seems likes bs to me.

Well, I shut down my profile a week after meeting him. I just had a weird feeling to log in one day and see if he was online …AND HE WAS!!! He continues to be online at unusual times (really late at night or early in the morning). He claims he’s only looking but why? If I make him happy, why look at others? Plus, he said he wanted space? He said he hated his life, he’s depressed, sad … An emotionally unstable person shouldn’t be online lol. I think its all a game to him and I’ve given up on him. I deserve better.

Reply February 24, 2015, 7:24 am


This guy i met online and he said he needed space to get over an ex. Its been 6 weeks no contact. His profile was still on but he took down his pictures and remained inactive for a month but just yesterday went online and reattached his pictures. That tells me a)he’s looking for better than me b)he’s looking for an ego stroke since hes was inactive for a month or c) maybe trying to show his ex(who he also met on the site) that he’s putting himself out there. Anyway i think its A. He knows I’m interested but yet he’s browsing online. Is he trying to test my reaction and call him out on it? I can’t though otherwise i’d be seen as spying. Why do guys do this??? I thought he was a genuine nice guy. If he wasn’t interested , he could’ve said that when i texted him once during the no contact(cos he would’ve been thinking ” i think this girls still into me”) why make me think that he IS still interested when he’s obviously not. I deactivated my profile thinking maybe its cos I’ve been browsing too much that led him to reactive his profile, but i know I’m just making excuses for his behaviour. I’m done with online dating. Why do guys feel they need to keep looking when we’re right there?

Reply March 4, 2015, 1:59 pm



Reply January 24, 2015, 7:20 pm


how can I delete my daughters account because she didn’t mean to make one!! plus she’s 9 she was just putting my email but she accidently put her can you please help!!! this is her email!!! if not Ill call the cops

Reply December 28, 2014, 12:51 pm


Hey..I’m also having a similar situation here..but we’ve been in a long distance relationship for almost two years now. We’ve been talking each other for almost 9 years and last year we only got together. He told me I’ve always had a special place in his heart and he couldn’t seem to forget about me and move on (because we lost contact with each other for a few years back then) so last year he asked me to be his girlfriend and we got together. We don’t see each other often only a few times a year. He told me he loves me and he said he meant it, and would never cheat on me, and I believed it. Past few months we’ve had a lot of fights and during our last fight he told me he had been cheating on me ever since we got together. He constantly went on dating apps to talk to other girls and he confessed to me and told me he cheated on me. I felt hurt because I thought I knew him and I thought cheating would be the last thing he would to do me. Then after that fight I tried to forgive him and forget about that but I couldnt, because I really wasn’t expecting that. I never thought he would do that to me because of all the words he had said to me about how much he loves me and so on. He said he is serious about me and called me wifey. He brought me to his parents but seem to be quite scared of letting his friends see me. We’ve been together for almost two years but I feel like, at the beginning of our relationship it was like he likes me way more than I like him but now I feel like it’s the opposite. My boyfriend is very self-centered, which he also admitted. Sometimes I feel like he only cares about himself, pays a lot of attention on himself rather than on me now. I’ve done a lot of things for him, I gave him my virginity. We’ve been fighting about minor things on and off and whenever he fights he tend to run away from it and avoid it instead of solving it together. I even flew all the way just to get him to talk about this with me because I thought I had to talk about this with him. Since our last huge fight regarding him talking to other girls he said he had deleted the dating apps. But he would still talk to a few girls he met on okcupid on whatsapp. Constantly texting them. I asked him why, he said because this girl called Dion had recently been to korea and he just wanted to ask information about traveling to korea. But I’m korean, although I don’t live there anymore, I definitely know korea better way better than Dion. So that obviously was an excuse. I never checked my boyfriends chat history or emails because I didn’t want to. Although my trust to him is kind of broken but I still want to trust him again. We talked about this issue almost every night and I told him I feel hurt that he still talks to girls from dating app. He kept emphasing that he just want to meet new people and he hasn’t met them in person. Then I asked him if he wants to meet friends then why only talk to pretty slim girls but not guys? Why only pick pretty girls to talk to to be his new friend? I don’t know why he has to do this, I thought he has me? Why does he stil want to meet other pretty girls? After another conflict again his mind changed a bit. This morning he told me he would try to consider my feelings, and *minimize* his frequency of talking to those girls. I said nothing, because minimizing still means he still gets to talk to them. I really don’t want him to talk to those girls from dating app. I’ve told him so many times, I’ve asked him nicely to stop, confronted him and everything. It just feels like he’s cheating on me again since last year. I love him and I’m scared of losing him, but it gives me a lot of heartache knowing that he has feelings for another online dating girl. Although we are ok now but I just feel so helpless. My friends kept telling me to dump him. I also felt like he doesn’t love me as much as he used to anymore, is it because we don’t see each other often? Last time I asked him why he went on dating sites he said when I wasn’t around he felt lonely. But what about me? When he wasn’t around I was also lonely and missed him like crazy. it’s so unfair. Why are men like that?

Reply November 11, 2014, 1:52 pm


Hello, I read ur full story. I think you are the opposite of me although we share sth in common, I am also an observant girl when I am dating online, which is what I am doing now. However, I would do the opposite if I found out the guy I am with is doing all these dating app things behind me. In fact I think your boyfriend is not only a selfish dude but also an immature grown-up, he is throwing away things he keeps claiming to be his favorite and eternity, uf he;s a grown-up and he knows he needs you to be around, he should just make up his mind and do what’s the best for both of you, but he doesn’t. if I were you I’d have dumped him already no matter how much I still love him, and I believe many of your friends who truly care about u have told you that already. I understand you don’t need anyone to tell you to leave a guy like him although he’s obviously taking you for granted, but I think there is a way you can help yourself, that is try to “concentrate on yourself” instead of making yourself look like a miserable wife who’s always waiting for his return, have you thought of this, besides his ego boost and maybe sexual need which motivate him to go online to talk to other girls, you’re also one of the reason why he keeps doing it? Cause he knows you will forgive him and wait for his return, each time you argue with him he only sees it as a time to brake for a while, and then after he has “settled” you down he would go on to do more of what he really wants to. You have made him feel like you will never leave, and he can always get you back as long as he stops it for a while. What I mean is, dress up and make up urself everyday, keep yourself in the best condition, and go out to meet friends and new guys, and let him see these changes! I donno if you have thought about this? I don’t think he fell in love with you becuz of the way you act when you get jealous, if you rewind back your memory, I bet he was attracted to you becuz you were a pretty confident girl when he just met you. If you want to make him become obsess with you, you should just go back to the one you were before, the one who attracted this guy to fall in love with you. I am not telling you to cheat on him, and I think you can’t cuz you sound like a loyal gf and I think no one can easily change your mind, only you could change your own mind and make changes to your life. If you have ever heard of law of attraction, it says the same thing, if you want to get someone back, you shall stop thinking of this person all the time but think of what you can do to make yourself happier(this is the hardest, you can’t just do it as if u r really doing it , but still think of him 24/7, you have to do it as if you are really into loving yourself more and more), trust me…people are attracted to people who love themselves deeply, and you proved it already by how much you love a self-centered man, so just copy his way and love yourself more, meet more people, by the time when he realizes you can live well without having his attention, that is the time he realizes how much you are worth and comes back to you.

Reply January 20, 2015, 1:46 am


Justme – no, don’t be so stupid! If the guy looks at your profile, you get a notification. Seriously, grow up! The guy is playing around online because he doesn’t see you as serious and if you let it continue, you lose your own self respect – much more important than him (he will dump you when he meets someone he prefers).

Reply October 16, 2014, 3:26 pm


He’s looking for something better. The advice in this article is terrible. If I was seeing a guy and I found out he was using dating sites… I’d dump him. His actions are speaking louder than words. He wants something better, or someone else.

Reply October 27, 2014, 7:40 am


Thank you so much!

Reply October 13, 2016, 7:45 pm


I’m in a slightly different situation. My guy and I were only seeing where things were going and he hadn’t logged in the website we met for a month already, but he had other profiles I knew about, I noticed he wasn’t logging into them either, but one night out of nowhere I decided to make a search for him on a totally different website, and lo and behold, there he was, he had created a brand new profile, a very well done profile at that. I felt so so sad, though we hadn’t had the “exclusivity” talk yet, it felt bad to see him do that since I had stopped looking for someone some time ago. Since that moment I knew I had to break contact with him since we were not on the same page. I told him the reason why and what I had done and he didn’t try to deny anything, he was very straight forward about it and said he thought we were still looking, he was under the impression I was still looking as well. When I informed him I wasn’t he felt really bad and decided to remove his profiles, I told him he didn’t have to (mostly because I was determined to end it all anyway, I didn’t see the point), but he said I was too important for him to lose me over some dumb online profiles. I honestly don’t feel very trustful about it all, but I must accept that we hadn’t agreed on any terms before this talk. He decided on his own that we should be exclusive and not look anymore, I didn’t push the issue to be honest because I was so disappointed over all that I honestly didn’t care at that point if we kept seeing each other or not, but he seemed determined so I gave him a chance.
I have felt tempted a couple of times to search for him on dating websites to see if he’s back on them or not, but I have stopped myself from doing so because it wouldn’t be fair to him or me at the end. I will have to trust his decision, and if I ever feel like my mistrust of him is too big to continue, I will let him know and I will break it off, just like I had intended the first time. The issue at the end was mostly mine, I invested myself too much on a relationship that didn’t have firm ground, now, if we had agreed on being exclusive before finding out about the new profile I would’ve NOT stayed with him, no matter what he said. If he agreed to exclusivity and he’s still on dating websites, that’s cheating, doesn’t matter the reason. If for any reason I do a search some time from now and I find him anywhere near a dating website, I’m gone, no explanations this time. This dating scene nowadays is tough , it is tempting not only to look around for other people because dating websites are just a click away, but snooping is easier as well, and very tempting. I wish you all luck out there, be smart.

Reply May 31, 2014, 1:49 pm


Why did you let him talk you into staying with him? Your gut instinct was right. You will always be wondering in the back of your mind if he’s created new online profiles. Life is too short to waste on second best relationships. I would rather be single.

Reply October 27, 2014, 7:45 am

Susan DeFrance

I my name is susan like to call sue. I need to start looking for a honest guy. Iam 49 year old. Have four grow up children. Iam single. Was engaged to a man but he been cheating on me, please need to leave and start anew life, i lost myhusband in2011. Now my life is tore up.

Reply April 16, 2014, 2:03 pm


I wish I could find an article more recent in regards to this topic. I’m having a similar issue and don’t know how to address it. I myself have been dating a guy for a little over a month. We’ve never talked about taking down our profiles, but I took mine down and he hid his. Well, curiosity killed the cat, so I created a fake profile and though his was hidden, there are ways to search and find it regardless. Needless to say, I was relieved that he hadn’t been online in quite some time. However, that didn’t last. I realized he accessed his account and kept mum. Then a few weeks later and I looked and again, he hadn’t accessed it. Well, just today I looked and he’d accessed it just today. Granted we’re NOT exclusive though we’ve introduced our children to each other and we’ve both said we’re excited to see where this can go. I suppose my issue is that his profile IS hidden therefore does not show up in any searches, so why is he accessing his account? To me, it’s obvious…he’s seeing what else is out there. If HE emails someone, they then have access to his profile and it can go from there. I guess I just don’t know if I’m blowing things out of proportion and I hate being the one that has so much distrust, BUT that’s a conversation he and I JUST had last week. That’s one of his biggest insecurities…trust issues. SO, why would he go and do something that would make me doubt him. Let alone make me feel like he is keeping me around until he finds something better. To make matters worse, we’ve brought our children into it. I know I can talk to him about it, but I just don’t know if I’d believe what he has to say…sigh…

Reply October 29, 2013, 7:32 pm


You know the answer already. If you were your own best friend, what advice would you give yourself. Your gut instinct is right. That’s why you’re on this page. Value yourself and find someone who wants you and no one else.

Reply October 27, 2014, 7:49 am


I disagree with the advice in this article. The guy HAS given her a reason to distrust him. He offered exclusivity, yet actively participates in an online dating community. (and logging on IS participating.) Then we use negative words to describe what the woman is doing (“snooping”?) When a person last logged in is public information. So if a possible “Match” checks his profile and sees all the info on it–including last log in, that’s fine because that’s what he’s there for..but if the woman he’s sleeping with and is supposed to be exclusive with checks, she’s “snooping”?? That’s a bit backwards. Then Mr. Charles advises that instead of giving him a hard time about it, she ignore the problems and instead focus on being an “amazing girlfriend”? lol. How transparent is that. The real irony here is that fast forward a year down the road, this woman gets burned badly and has wasted a whole year of her life, and then she will be told that she should’ve seen the warning signs early on and “should’ve known better.”

If a man is still browsing a dating site, he’s keeping his options open. Plain and simple. Don’t let yourself be duped.

Reply July 10, 2013, 11:15 am


Totally agree with you Moops. Well said. Trust is very hard and someone should give you reasons to trust!

Reply July 12, 2013, 10:58 am


I agree with you Moops. I had been dating this guy I met online for 4 months. after the first month, we decided to be exclusive. I told him I was taking down my match account. He said he would also. Not only did he not do that, he joined pof and meet me! I decided to still give him the benefit of the doubt. We would go out, we were getting closer, then thank god I was “Snooping”, one day and I saw he actually uploaded new photos! When I called him out on it he said I was the one who was insecure and he couldn’t handle my insecurities. Really? He then proceeded to be smug and said “I hope you find what you’re looking for”? Yes he really said that! I said he was the one who was searching. and why did he update his profile? His answer was “One of my friends wanted to see new pics of my weight loss”? Girls, stop the madness! If your gut tells you the guy you’re dating is a big fat pig, literally and figuratively, He is! I was honest with myself and realized I was only with him because I was lonely, and it is so hard to meet someone nice, but I was doing myself a disservice. Still trying to find the one…

Reply July 22, 2013, 10:03 am


totally agree with Moops!! This very thing happened to me. Wasted an entire year on this man. Gave him the benefit of the doubt in the name of trust and it was a bad decision. Now I not only wasted a year but have spent six months trying to recover emotionally and am going back into the dating scene with less trust. If he is logging in…… he is looking or communicating and the bottom line is… you will never be able to trust him completely because this will always be in the back of your mind. Besides.. you deserve better!!! Keep looking!

Reply June 19, 2014, 11:04 pm


Totally agree Moops! The advice that was given in this article was HORRIBLE!!

Reply July 21, 2014, 1:30 pm


A truly excellent reply. This article seems to expose a type of man that is rotten to the core and is capable of using women without any conscience. I’ve just been chatting to a man on Okcupid who’s relationship status was ‘seeing someone’. The whole interaction left me feeling sick to my stomach.

Reply October 27, 2014, 7:53 am

jan veal

I completely agree that if someone is still checking dating sites after committing to someone then they are leaving options open,stroking their ego,or seeing you as for now person
Its disrespectful and breaks trust not builds it

Reply October 10, 2016, 1:59 am


I met someone in my home area on an online dating site. We have gone out 3 times in two weeks, and have several dates already arranged for the coming week. We are both divorced and he has a child almost every weekend, so we typically do not see each other from Friday to Monday night. I took my profile off the site because I believe it leads to hurt feelings and in my little mind, why make him not trust me. What I did was set up a bogus account and I can see he is on the site each day, even after we have gone out. He is on and off the site daily. There are times I have been on the phone with him or in the midst of sending a text back and forth when he is on the site. Obviously I am too, but I’m not looking at anyone except him. LOL
The dates are great, and no I am not sleeping with him, yet…I don’t want to go there for now. I really want to find out why men do this? If they meet someone and apparently things are going well, so what is up with men who need to see or chat with other women? Oh, and today I told him I deleted my account because I don’t want to concentrate on the men who are writing to me, that I want to focus on getting to know him better. He seemed surprised, and said, “oh really.” He said it in a manner that I was not sure if it was a question. It was after telling him this that he asked me if I can go out with him on several days for the coming week.
So what is up with men you meet online and how they still log in and show chat venue open.
Thanks, Sammy

Reply February 9, 2013, 10:45 pm


I have been going through a similar situation and would really appreciate the feedback on here. Im 24 yrs old and im very attractive and have never been in a real relationship and crave that part of my life with someone special. I have been on the online dating scene for 3 yrs and have been on sooooooo many dates and havent found anyone who I am remotely interested in until 3 and a half months ago. When it comes to me and dating I think I have the worst luck and i cant even get past the 3rd date with someone so I am always walking on pins and needles each time. But here is my situation:

Met this guy who is 36 yrs old on “match” and he took me out to all these expensive restaurants and showered me like a princess. He first told me that he wasnt looking for anything super super serious and i said well lets take it slow and see where it leads to. He was always treating me like i was his gf and i met one of his close friends and he took me and my sis and his friend out for dinner. I never had any guy treat me like that. This guy always mentions me to his neighbors and friends but we dont have a label on it. He also talks about personal stuff with him and his whole family and i really thought we were connecting. I also attempted to lose my virginity to him. I never told him i was a virgin the whole time and then it just came out and he was at first mad but then he understood where i was coming from and i kept asking him if he was ok with me not being experienced and he said he was. But always in the back of my mind it has been bothering me that i am inexperienced because he has been around the block and would leave me for someone who is great in the bedroom. I am alsooo very very shy around him because i like him sooo much and i feel sooo out of place even when doing stuff in the bedroom. I just cant seem to snap out of being scared and shy when im with him.

Recently i just went on match and saw he was active within 24 hrs and im like wtfff. I feel sooo played but i dont wanna jump to conclusions and he hasnt contacted me in 2 days and im feeling like he wants to find someone who is way more experienced than i am. But the thing is we really connected and I dont think anyone can come close. Its sooo strange cause we started hanging out together 4-5 times a week recently and he just cant stop staring at me at every moment wen im with him. Im sooo scared to lose this guy and dont know what to think right now. All my friends that I ask think he is playing me and i dont know if i should even listen to anyone because everyone can have their different reasons. Im really falling for this guy and I never ever pressure him on anything cause i know men dont like to be pressured so i kind of take each day as it comes.

Eric Charles if you can give me ur intake on this i would appreciate it.

Reply January 22, 2013, 7:05 pm


Yes, suspicion can destroy a relationship if it is unfounded. But sometimes suspicion is justified. If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck , it’s usually a DUCK, not a chicken or a horse or a cat. This is how a lot of us get hurt, by not accepting the truth that’s in front of our faces. It’s called “reality”. It’s like the old joke where a wife walks in on her husband with another woman and he tells his wife, “It wasn’t me you saw” and she accepts that. Hana, this guy is looking around while enjoying you and wonderful qualities. It’s called, “having your cake and eating it, too”. Run!

Reply October 18, 2012, 11:52 am


While it’s true, Camba, that glitches happen and profiles can be created by scammers, those are usually the sex dating sites,etc….Match and eHarmony screen pretty well, and if a guy has an active profile on a site like one of those, it usually (and I would say 99.9% of the time) means he has an active profile! A girlfriend (or boyfriend) can usually tell it the profile is real in any number of ways – if the profile has exact details about height and weight, the writing style that was used, etc…..It’s just a temptation many men can’t avoid and usually a big clue about what’s going on in the mind of the person who is still active on a dating site while dating and sleeping with someone else – he’s still shopping around, basically. This girl is just going to get hurt. She should leave the guy ASAP.

Reply October 18, 2012, 11:46 am


you could be experiencing something similar to what ive experienced before. sites and programs have glitches, bots, or hackers/trolls. ive literally in the past found dating profiles that i have never created using my pictures and details to create profile counts or other uses. other times a site will say i was online while i wasnt on it. literally had one fight with an ex that calling me claiming im online on the dating site where we met and i was im my car driving, yet alone i dont have a smart phone with internet abilities. if you are looking for a issue, you will find it.

Reply October 17, 2012, 3:09 pm


The majority of these guys that get on these dating sites (especially Match) never get off. Bottomline. Many of them are not serious and they are addicted to Match and other dating sites. I realized after 4 months of being on Match that this was not the venue to use to meet someone if you are interested in a serious long-term relationship. At some point they are going to get back on. It’s like crack to a crackhead. Women would be better off meeting a guy in a traditional setting (through work, a friend, museum, whatever). You are constantly going to have a problem with these guys wanted to get back on these sites to look for the ‘next best thing’. I’m almost starting to think it is a sickness and that they need some kind of therapy or rehab.

Reply October 12, 2012, 4:01 pm


you are 1999999999999% right!! i agree!! online dating is a sickness and they need therapy or rehab. .
this is soooo sad..

Reply September 12, 2013, 11:39 pm


N-G.I.G. Syndrome … Newness- Grass is Greener Syndrome. An addiction to online dating, even if you have a significant other.. always getting a rise from the fantasy of what life would be like with someone new, addictively contacting daters in order to get the rush of a new interest and the ego boost of someone interested in you… all while having a significant other.. and while neglecting the hard work of maintaining and growing a real love relationship in favor the the addictive rush of a new relationship and an addictive rush to the fantasy of a new person.

Reply March 25, 2014, 3:18 am


This is true. As someone who has been on and off of I see the same f*ckboys consistently. I am done with online dating, because the type of guys on there (a good majority of them) will always go back to it like a crackhead looking for a fix.

Reply August 20, 2020, 1:37 am


Sorry, but I disagree. If a man still keeps his profile up after becoming intimate with you he’s hedging his bets. Before becoming intimate, demand exclusivity, which also means get off of all dating sites – and let him know that you will check periodically to make sure he does.

Reply September 4, 2012, 3:13 pm


Sorry, but he HAS given this girl a reason to distrust him. If two people are dating and sleeping together, unless they’ve had a discussion that it’s okay to go on dating sites, it is simply, wrong. This same thing happened to me – met a guy on eHarmony. Within a month we felt pretty serious about each other and I asked him if we could agree to be exclusive, including unsubscribing to any dating sites. He agreed completely. But 4 months later, I found out he was still on eHarmony but told me he was just on there for fun, changing some information but not conversing with anyone. Two months later he was on Two years later I found out he was still filling out profiles. I’ll never know if he went out with or slept with anyone. If he couldn’t be honest about the sites, what would make me think he’d be honest about anything else? By then, I was a mess. He had lied for two years and that is a very long time to be with someone. My point is, if he will lie (or “hide” things – a lie of omission) in the beginning, there is a very good chance he will lie throughout the relationship. Please move on, for the good of your mind and heart. There are plenty of men out there who won’t disrespect you like this.

Reply July 27, 2012, 11:21 pm


This article is spot on. Every single time I’ve second guessed my partner’s motives, it’s always led to us not working out. It was never because of her, it was simply because the suspicion kept eating away at me until I brought it up. This immediately sends her the message that I don’t trust her and I lack confidence, two very crucial steps in the wrong direction.

As of now, my “match” still gets on often despite us going out many times. Rather than saying anything, I simply ignore it. So far, it’s working out great and our dates only get better and better. Be the bigger man/woman and don’t let jealously take over your confidence and trust in your partner. There’s always a risk of you being hurt, but with constant fear – you’re only hurting yourself.

Reply June 20, 2012, 8:38 pm


Thank you so much I really needed to see and hear this, and the fact that it came from a man makes it so much more official for me to do exactly as you said and the article said. Suspension is definitely an ugly thing, and it will eat you up if you don’t ignore it. THANK YOU!

Reply September 30, 2012, 10:48 am


Hello Hana, I’m a little late but I’ll describe my story (which is similar to most). When dating online it is imperative you remain open and honest. I met a handsome guy on before the holidays and then Boom, we hit it off. We BOTH made a conscious decision to delete our profiles and be exclusive. I deleted mine, his remained but he didn’t visit (but didn’t delete it). I’m a very spiritual person. I kept feeling this uneasiness about him. I created a dummy account and realized he was back on pof ‘still looking’! If we were only dating then it’s open season. If a couple make a conscious decision to delete profiles to work on their relationship and one doesn’t….there’s deception. I believe the other party may have not been satisfied, or only viewed you as a option ‘at the time’. That is a very unsettling way to feel. I WILL NOT encourage anyone to remain in any relationship if their conscious is uneasy about their mate. You’re just setting yourself to be hurt! I left the relationship and didn’t look back and I”m glad I did!

Reply April 5, 2013, 2:58 am


My boyfriend and I have been going out for more than a year and we met on meet me. He asked me out and we were together ever since. I deleted my account and I asked him to delete him, which he said he did. However, I was feeling something was going on that I did not know about and so I checked his email (which i should not have done) and I saw some messages that were from meet me. However, it was not from his real account. He had created a fake one. It still has all of his pictures. I logged on to it because he gave me his passwords to things and I figured it was the same one. He only talks to girls on there; however, there is nothing like they are meeting up or hooking up at all. He will say hey and talk for about five minutes and then the convo is done. I stopped checking his personal accounts and email after we got in a big fight about whether he was cheating on me or not. (I never felt right about checking it anyway). I got on my friends about a week ago and it said he hadn’t been on for 16 days. I thought it was great because he must have stopped after our convo. However, i checked again today if he had been on, and it said he had three days ago. I am not one to stay in relationships where i am not the main focus, but over a year? That is so many invest feelings. I have no idea what to do.

Reply November 21, 2013, 5:25 pm


hello Eric, i’m a guy,i’v never been in a relationship before. I av seen girls stayed with girlr bu av never been pushed to love any,the only reason is that i’v not seen a girl of my taste. I av friends who always text me i do reply but not with love, i want to ask wat will i do to love someone, and if you can give me the site so that i can av a friend and love like others.

Reply September 22, 2011, 8:53 am



i just wanted to say thank you so much for this site! you’re insights are invaluable and given with such a fine mix of compassion, directness, clarity and insight. really, i can’t believe i have this as a resource, i’m so lucky!

i’ve been reading over all the questions and your answers resonate with me and put me at ease in every situation. and it’s great that i can take something from each convo even if technically they don’t match a question i might have it seems like there is always one through-line: we are responsible for creating our own happiness and security, we are responsible for managing our own fears, what we focus on we create, and not to waste time worrying about controlling people or trying to protect ourselves from every “sharp object”, because it’s a complete waste of time and life energy. we can only know and have confidence in ourselves that we will heal if we fall and that in the process we’ll learn valuable bits of information to take with us forward on our new adventures.

i am glad you were inspired to share and contribute in this way. reading today reminded me of all the values i am beginning to solidify in my life, and at a time when i felt a little shaky, and a little scared.

and for that i am very appreciative.

thanks again!

Reply September 14, 2011, 3:41 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Hope,
Thanks so much, I really appreciated your comment. And yes, you definitely get the core message that I’m driving at.
I hope you’re on the ANM Dating List because I give away all my best stuff on there (for free, just like here).

Reply September 14, 2011, 5:50 pm


I just received an update to this email and reread the original posting and Eric’s response. Maybe I’m old fashioned (I am in my 50s after all) but have women become so desperate that we’re willing to accept unacceptable behavior or get intimate with someone without any clear idea of what the relationship actually is or without any preconditions? Has dating become so distorted that we don’t even know what’s acceptable behavior anymore? The original poster stated that she slept with someone without any clear idea of what their relationship actually was before doing so ( Quote – it’s not like I’d call this guy my boyfriend already), yet is upset that her sexual partner (that’s all he really is ) is still looking for dates somewhere else. Let’s be honest here; if he’s on a dating site he is still looking. I don’t blame the guy in this instance, but the girl for jumping into bed with someone without any clear idea of what each person expected from the relationship.

Reply September 30, 2012, 12:42 pm


I feel like your post sends out a very sad message to women. So let’s you and I hit it off. Let’s have great times, jump in bed and make the best love of you life. You get butterflies and your heart pounds when you see me. You and I have only been dating a short time but the potential is there. We see each other 2-3 times per week. You ask for exclusivity and I give this to you. A week later you log onto to and surprise, I was logged on only 3 hours ago and never looked at your profile. I’m confused here Eric, please tell me why you should trust me?? Per your article, you don’t know the full story. So please enlighten me, what does that story look like? Give me examples of a good sound reason for logging onto to a dating site while we’re busy being exclusive???

Reply December 4, 2014, 3:45 pm


I’m in a similar situation. I’ve been dating a guy for a couple of months and we are sleeping together (safely). We live in different cities but have seen each other almost every weekend except two. I go round, we hang out with his housemates (2 guys and a girl), he’ll cook me dinner and we’ll all go on a night out together or if it’s in the day, watch movies (we’ve only had rainy days so far). The last time I went round he had a close friend from home staying for a week (he’s from the states) but still wanted me to come over. This friend since added me on facebook and so has his housemate. We all went to his friend’s houseparty and we were holding hands and he even wanted me to sit on his lap because there weren’t enough chairs whilst we were there. He was also kissing me in front of them too. Now I discovered by accident that he’s on a dating website a few weeks ago. We were on his laptop and I was on youtube. He went downstairs and I was just looking at songs. I managed to close the tab I was on by mistake and when I opened what I thought was the right one I found it was his dating website profile. I clicked off and didn’t mention it. However I knew of the website and I was able to see his profile when I got home. He still checks his profile each day but not multiple times per day. Unfortunately i’m a bit of a worrier and now i’m worried about what his motives are. He’s always the one who asks when i’m free to meet up but unlike at the start i’m often the one who texts first and although he always replies the texts are much less frequent and he takes much longer to reply. Now I know guys are prone to do this once they’ve “got” a girl as it were. We haven’t had a discussion about exclusivity but should I be worried? I don’t want to ask that question too soon for fear of scaring him off but I haven’t got much dating experience so I’m unsure as to what I should do. Any advice welcome thanks!

Reply June 20, 2011, 10:46 am


I’m in a similar situation. I’ve been dating a guy for a couple of months and we are sleeping together (safely). We live in different cities but have seen each other almost every weekend except two. I go round, we hang out with his housemates (2 guys and a girl), he’ll cook me dinner and we’ll all go on a night out. The last time I went round he had a friend staying for a week (he’s from the states) but still wanted me to come over. We all went to his friend’s houseparty and we were holding hands and he even wanted me to sit on his lap because there weren’t enough chairs whilst we were there. He was also kissing me in front of them too.

Reply June 20, 2011, 10:36 am

Eric Charles

I agree with what E said.

Reply May 24, 2011, 9:24 pm


I understand what this girl is going through. I’m going through something similar right now. If you’re not in a serious relationship, what he is doing doesn’t constitute as cheating, but I can understand if you feel like he isn’t really interested in you. He may be looking to see if you’re on, or might be going on there, but not messaging anyone, or using the forums just to chat with people (of all genders), or even going on there to read messages girls send to get an ego boost (keep in mind, most of the time, it’s the man who messages first, so he may not get these often). Whatever he is doing isn’t really your business, though. Unless he lies to you and says he never goes on there, don’t make a big deal out of it. Also, it can all backfire on you. If you tell him you see that he is on, he may get mad and call you paranoid and assume that you’re going to be snooping around all the time. So just ask him if he still goes on, if he says no, he’s lying, but if he says yes, this can lead to an important conversation. If you’re having unprotected sex, consider using protection or just ceasing all sexual activity until he can stop being suspicious. I also suggest getting yourself tested.

Reply May 24, 2011, 4:29 pm


i have a very similar situation, except mine doesnt check it often..i met him online we went ona first date and it was grreat, then he took me on a weekend trip and we reallly conncted and he said so too, and i didnt see him for 2 weeks because he said hes planning another trip with me, i met his closest friends already, but i saw that he was active within the last days , and i think we might get intimate sometime soon but i dont want to give it my all and then be left alone and used,im really quite confused..

Reply February 6, 2011, 4:41 am


I don’t think V is being negative at all. The fact of the matter is this kind of thing is a real life concern, not just for fear of being played but for your health and safety. While I feel it’s important to “expect the best” out of people, I also think you have to respect when certain things raise a red flag.

I think it’s a completely reasonable concern, for both parties. Since you met on the same website why not just be up front and come from a place of “reason” and parity i.e. “Hey, listen, I was wondering if I should take down my profile but I still see you have yours up. Since we agreed to be exclusive, how do you feel about this? ”

Relax and be willing to accept the truth whatever it may be. If you leave the question open ended he has room to answer whichever way while knowing that you were simply considering what do with yours. It’s unrealistic to pretend, no matter how independent we all are, that situations like these resolve through responsiveness between parties. I don’t believe it’s a sign of neediness or dependency to ask the question since it clarifies what is already an agreed upon understanding i.e. exclusivity. Assuming it wasn’t set as a condition for intimacy.

If anything, it will clarify what this term means for each of your understanding of it may be different from his. I agree with Eric that at the end of the day we never really completely know our partners, but it doesn’t mean that the effort to offer some transparency shouldn’t be made.

Reply October 29, 2010, 2:30 am


I am sorry to be negative here, but I dated a guy for three months that I met online…I noticed that his profile was still active and often he was checking it daily…I wanted to trust him so I did…I confronted him about it, but said that I trusted him and wanted him to take his profile down because he wanted to, not because I asked him to. Guess what? I found out he was dating multiple people (yes, and sleeping with all of us), all from the online dating site. He was a world class liar. Looking back, I think if someone is active on an online dating site, while he is dating you, he is probably a player. Be careful!!

Reply October 5, 2010, 4:03 pm


Wow how did you find out he was sleeping with multiple people?? This guy I’m dating logs in around 4 times a day…. Ahhhh and he wants exclusivity!

Reply October 20, 2011, 1:44 pm


V, you’re absolutely correct. Most guys that are ‘players’ in the real world are whores online. I have a few bad experiences in the beginning of 2012. The comment before was about a guy I met in the latter part of 2012. I met this other guy while on blackpeoplemeet. It was my first time online and I honestly thought he was ‘the one’! Yet, there were many red flags! I’ll mention those later but he would basically feed off of whatever naive answers I gave. Meaning he would wait for my response to see what card he would pull out of his hat next…..GAME PLAYER! After I invited him to my home and he seen how nice it was, the horns started to emerge from his head. Red flags: he wanted me to put his needs before my kids, he wanted me to give him a monthly allowance because he wouldn’t be able to work his weekend job and asked if I was ok with him recouping the loss of funds from me. He demanded I give him $5,000 because he had pressing car needs, needed new furniture and a new laptop. This fool also stated he wanted my mind, soul, body, money & property. Needless to say, I dropped him like a bad habit. I’m a single mother of 3 and this ‘bleep’ honestly thought I would take care of him literally and cater to his every whim. The dating game has changed tremendously over the years and many have ulterior motives and love not being one of them! It’s best to be apprehensive with your guard up than to be naive and let the relationship flow as if nothing is wrong when you know he’s online looking for his next conquest!

Reply April 5, 2013, 3:24 am


I would ask him. Yes you do have to have trust in a relationship but you also need honesty.

Reply June 11, 2010, 8:18 am

Eric Charles

Very good point.
What’s actually happening might not be a bad thing, but the suspicion/distrust/fear will lead to snooping, the snooping will lead to more suspicion/distrust/fear, which will lead to more snooping, etc.
All the meanwhile, she’ll have her guard up to him, which will deteriorate the quality of the relationship. After all, she wouldn’t want to leave herself open and be played for a fool.
And because her energy in the relationship is now degraded, the relationship will end up being far worse than it could have been had she not gone down the path of fear/distrust.
Again, yes, sometimes people do get taken advantage of or hurt. But it is much worse to go through life with your guard up all the time, distrusting everyone, self-provective and bracing yourself.
Personally, I have learned that it is better to assume people are good and do good things and not to be concerned until someone has actually done something bad. The path of fear/suspicion is too much of a price to pay and I would wager that at least 90% of my fears or suspicions have been totally off-base once I figured out what was really going on.
Bottom line, you’re never going to know the full story most of the time, so you need to find a way to live with that.

Reply March 26, 2010, 11:50 am


This is so true, I can honestly say that given this is a very hard task to do as well as keep up with. But I’m hoping that if I continue to practice this then it will just become second nature.

Reply September 30, 2012, 10:52 am


What she doesn’t know is that he could be logging on and looking at HER photo and reading HER profile again. When I met someone very special, I did that periodically for awhile just to see his picture or double checking some of his interests for date planning.

Reply March 26, 2010, 10:26 am

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