Dating for 3 months, he's on vacation and I just found out he recently broke up

Maria,

My honest opinion he enjoys your company, and loves the prospects of having a good woman and relationship, but doesn’t trust himself enough. I think the problem is the word ‘commitment’ where men think to themselves “I’m going to be with ONE woman for the rest of my life” and that can be a very scary and daunting prospect to any man, especially due to the time span of humans today! :-P

Commitment used to mean ‘engagement’ where the guy buys the ring and the couple actively plans a future together after a period of courting each other. I think going back to the term “COURTSHIP” would be better served, which was when two people either dated exclusively (GF/BF) or not (dated others too) to see which ones they gelled with best. Back in the day ‘courtships’ could last from several months to a couple years, where some moved into the next phase of commitment (engagement) and others didn’t.

I worked with a guy who was married for over 60 years and asked him if he could do anything different what would it be and he responded with “I would have married her a year earlier!” They courted for two years, and engaged for one. During their courtship they negotiated everything from who did what (roles/responsibilities) to how they would raise their kids, so they had essentially created a life plan before they even married. Of course they couldn’t negotiate everything, but they always referred back to their original plan when it came up, such as “remember when we said we would do this”. They had developed key negotiating skills so well that when something new came up they could easily come to a decision. Just think how many relationships/marriages would be stronger if more couples took the time to do this.

All I’m saying is sometimes one word can make a huge difference to a guy, lol

Maria, don’t hate your neediness! It is a valuable message and a signpost that tells you something requires addressing, that’s all. Your feelings are your friends. As goofy, new age-y as that sounds. Love EVERYTHING about you… then someone else can too.

Can I just say… new words could be useful. Who wants to be in a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP!!! Sounds almost grim.

Commit has its roots in Latin… mit means to put place and co means together. So commit means to place together. Decide also has its roots in Latin and it means to cut off.

I could be wrong here Maria but it feels like you want a relationship like you want to acquire a thing. This is a message that you are looking for stability and identity outside yourself. I have struggled with this all my life and just recently let go of it. I have weak family ties… my parents split when I was 12 and my mother took my two sisters and my father kept me. He passed a long time ago, my sisters and I have never been able to get on and my mother remarried a controlling, abusive alcoholic so I’ve stayed away from them, they are toxic. (We now speak some but I still have to limit my exposure.) I don’t know my extended family well and my attempts to connect with them have amounted to nothing. I was so afraid of marriage that I didn’t get married until I was 43 and it broke down after 4 years (picked a guy who was the worst of my mother and father’s critical and distant qualities). I have spent my life without the relationship skills and quite honestly scared to bits of people hurting me – my father was Creole and my mother was very Caucasian and I was teased and shunned in school for it. Unacceptable thing to be 40 years ago! Have I had issues or what!!

Anyway, my point to you is I spent my life trying to find stability outside myself and getting relationships that never worked because if we’re honest I wasn’t in it either (it protects you when you never really have to put yourself out there). When this lovely man I was dating pulled back on me in October, I decided to STOP repeating cycles and starting reading everything I could to help me understand men. Along the way I’ve learnt about me. Within 8 weeks I was a new person, because I was so determined to change. I have learned the most from this very site and reading Eric & Sabrina’s ebook.

It’s all down to YOU. You have to get centered and happy and strong inside yourself and then you understand that people come and go and no matter what you are OK. I know lots of people who have been married for many years and are just fine. More than who have been divorced, actually. I study them.

As long as you NEED this guy and need a relationship, you’re going to have a rocky ride. I wish I could talk with you. I don’t know your story, but something is causing this. And in fairness, as I’ve said before, women take more of their identities from relationships they are in (of all kinds) and being married than men do.

I am amazed at the change in me that I could have a positive and calm discussion with someone I really adored and I thought adored me and let him go with no bad feeling, in fact wishing him the best in doing the things he wants to do, with all my heart. Love isn’t holding on and making someone do something they don’t want to!! And part of this confidence is I completely trust if he isn’t it for me, then that means there is someone who is a better match coming!!

Is there someone you can talk with about this? I feel like there is only so much we can do for you here.

Update: the guy got back from he vacay and contacted me pretty much straight after his plane landed. Because of jetlag we didn’t get to see each other that day but the following day = yesterday we had probably our best date ever. He was so happy to have had the opportunity to relax and seemed calm and comfortable in a way I’ve never seen him before. He even brought up his past relationships and told me what had gone wrong – and it was a far cry from the teeth-pulling this kind of discussions have been for him in the past!!! Turns out the ex he’s been shopping for furniture with is his ex wife. They are close, and that was something his previous girlfriend (21, he’s 32, btw) couldn’t handle. The ex has moved on, has a new man and a small baby with the new guy. When we went different ways he said he loves spending time with me and wants to do it more in the future (recall we went from 2-3 dates a week to 1, and that’s when I started freaking out).

I felt so happy and comfortable after the date. I had been super worried about his past relationships and the fact that he wasn’t really open about them. I don’t know what on earth happened during his vacay that made him change his mind and open himself in a comfortable, not forced way to me. He seemed to be completely over his ex’s and I believe him when he says they’re just friends with his ex wife.

While I do think this dating “relationship” has been less than perfect and there probably still are issues, do you think he could have simply had a freak-out phase and got over it? Maybe he needed some time away to realize that he can trust me and that I’m not a drama queen (based on what he told me, the 21yo ex wasn’t very mature and freaked out about pretty much everything)?

Finally thank you thank you THANK YOU Stefanie for the great post! My first thought after the guy left was that you were 100% right and that I really need to work on my own insecurities. I wish I could talk to you too, there’s so much I would love to tell you. I think me looking for all those small things that _could_ be warning signs in the relationship or faults in him were (and to a certain extent, still are) my way to protect myself. If dump him first, he won’t have a chance to hurt me, you know. I need to get more comfortable in so many ways and realize that even though things don’t work out with this guy, I will still continue leading a happy, full life.

Hi ladies,

I’m updating my story again as I think I’ve just witnessed a serious case of a man freaking out at the 3 month mark – and getting over it! I think all women deserve to know weird man action might not mean anything that bad… :)

So to recap, we’ve been dating for 3 months, after about 2 months I realized I was being more initiative and freaked out. We went down from 2-3 dates a week to just 1, and he seemed to be making time for everyone and everything else but me. He sort of vaguely mentioned he had been married but had never really been open about anything deep and personal except one time right before Christmas. He had even given me the dreaded “it’s hard for me to be in a serious relationship” after about a month. Over the holidays he went on vacation and we only spoke a couple of times during his two weeks away. In the meantime I found out on FB he had broken up with a 21yo a few months before meeting me. Aaaand so I freaked out again.

Now he’s been back from the vacay a week and things are totally different. He initiates all the time, we talk every day, he’s brought up his past relationships and traumas himself, he shares very personal stuff, he integrates me in his life more, he “reports” to me what’s up to, he tells me he enjoys spending time with me – he even arranged for a vet appointment for my dog and volunteered to help me fix something in my flat this weekend! While I’m still a little shocked (positively!) about this sudden turn and at times wonder where this is all headed, I’m glad I didn’t give up on him. I was REALLY tempted to at times. I might be wrong but if things keep going this way, I think he is getting ready for commitment. Or am I totally delusional lol ? :) Anyways, I’ll keep reporting back because I have a feeling this might be one of those cases where things don’t really go according to dating bibles…

Maria, thanks for the update and glad to hear he’s come around. Good news!! He’s snapped back.. it’s the classic rubber band syndrome. Many times he just needs some space and he will voluntarily come back and be OK with the closeness. Check out John Gray’s work on this subject, he explains it very, very well. Your work is to stay centered and do your own life so you aren’t overly dependent on him, and avoid causing drama.

So happy for you! Hope it continues to go well.

Can I just say touch on something quickly? :)
After an incredible first date with a man who I met online, who was newly separated from his wife- he had “the talk” with me on date two and mentioned that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He told me how he joined the dating site to meet new people and make some friends (don’t they all say that? lol), and if one day down the road he was ready to date again, he wanted that friendship base to be there. He told me we had amazing chemistry and he wanted to continue to see me, and I felt the same. I told him I appreciated the honesty, and that I, myself was in no hurry to label anything and was just enjoying his company.
And then I withdrew juuuuust a tad. I’ve been reading enough of the emails from Eric to know that when a guy says something, to take it as it is. I let him initiate contact and plan our next date, and even though I remained flirty and pleasant with him, I was not initiating anything. HOWEVER, may I add something. I have been on many dates in the past two years, and had not felt a connection to any of those guys the way I did with this one. SOmehow I knew it would go “somewhere”. They say when you know, you know.
Third date: He brought me to meet his parents. Something changed. Drastically, and quickly. We spent the day playing games with the parents and drinking wine, and then we spent the night together. :D
Date Four: He told me he hadn’t expected to hit it off with someone as much as we did, and he took his online profile down. He told me he did a complete 180 and wanted to be exclusive.
Date Five: He has plans for “us” for the end of the month to have our first little getaway together.

The point of my story is that there ARE exceptions. And even though I have read so much advice from this site lately, and really wanted to behave as though I was part of the general rule and NOT the exception, I turned out to be the exception because I just knew and went with it.

I’m happy things have changed for you- I think your guy just needed a little bit of time apart to miss you :)

I agree with Stefanie/

I think women are so concentrated on the “commitment” they make themselves insecure when it doesn’t go the way SHE ENVISIONS it should be. If women could learn how to just ‘let it go’, and learn how to live in the moment and stop trying to force it and just let it evolve naturally, they would be much better off. Like I say a man shouldn’t be your universe or everything, he should be the cherry on top of your awesome sundae (life).

Now, at some point there does need to be at least a QUASI commitment such as BF/GF so a couple can use this time to SEE if they are in fact a good fit in the ways BOTH need to before you even think about taking it to the “COMMITMENT” (engagement) level. My BF (now ex husband) proposed within 6 months of our courtship, but I honestly didn’t know him well enough yet, so I turned it down. A couple years later I was, and I have no regrets taking my time and making absolutely sure before I took such a major life-long step.

You need to RELAX, just enjoy getting to know each other and IF its meant to be, let it happen organically :-)

Oh and to be sure you get the whole picture, before last night everything was just fine. He spent the weekend at my place, we keep in touch quite a bit, always enjoy our time together. I know booze had a lot to do with what happened last night but I still do believe there was… a special kind of honesty in all that took place. I can’t explain it but I feel like last night when we were talking about our relationship he was really saying what he thinks and feels. I wish I’d just remember all he said… :)

LAgirl, that’s exactly what I’m thinking too. Well, a half of me is. The other half still clings on to hope. At the moment I just want to end this and the thought of it doesn’t even feel that bad. But I just can’t do it, that other, optimistic half of me won’t let me.

Oh Maria.

He said he’s an asshole because this behavior is asshole and he knows it.

Flirting right under your nose and then trying to kiss her and then still on Tinder… NO. NO. NO. He is not going to commit to you. You sound like an addict that won’t let go of the crack pipe because just one more hit will make you feel better, really.

Please get your self respect back and end this before you get hurt even more.

Thankyou ladies for a very interesting and helpful read.
Im going through something similar. Trying to back off but its not easy. I agree, if they want to be with ypu, they’ll make the effort. Im showing im still interested, but im not running back to him.
For now im dancing lots. Its just tricky because we see each other at our local exercise social group. Hadnt seen each other for a month so he came up to me and gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek (infront of the others in the group). Confusing! But im trying to stay strong! We deserve what we want in a relationship sista

Stephanie wrote : Being understanding and patient at the cost of your self-respect is a losing strategy. You lose yourself and he knows how low-value you are and has full permission to treat you like crap.

I agree. He told you he’s an ass. Believe him. Period. Damn, it’s so easy with you. Instead of focusing on him when he’s manipulating you with a song, when you guys arrived
home, you should make some drama and tell him right away you will not take anymore this kind of BS !!! in front of everybody ?? wtf and ask him to leave because you’re giving him some time to clear his mind about you two.

NOW, he knows how low-value you are and has full permission to treat you like crap… you managed this really bad !

I agree with Reader.. although I dont think this is a man I would waste my emotin and time on…

there really are men out there that will want you and respect and love you without all this effort on YOUR part or drama….