Bf just ghosted, need friendly support


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  • #399398 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Ashley,

    Was there anytime you remember him treating you as your best friend described? Did your best friend ever tell you to leave him? I am so sorry.

    M,

    I have no words….horrible, shocking, monster, soul sucker just doesn’t say it – I think emotional vampire in its worse sense when I read what you wrote. That man is sick.

    #399468 Reply

    Jocelyn

    Sorry to read about all your sad experiences. But I want to say you’re a great source of inspiration, strength and courage to me! I’m going through a hard time, I’m on a break/breakup with a guy who clearly has too much baggage and unresolved issues and now he’s doing just what Ashley’s Nick is doing, hitting on girls. It makes me sick. But reading your stories got me convinced it’s not me, it’s him and his f*cked up mind, and I have nothing to feel bad about. So thank you, you’ve helped me more than I can even tell!!

    #399485 Reply

    Lola A

    Hi Ashley,
    Sorry to hear what you’re going through and it’s great to see you’re taking all the necessary steps. Your story is SO familiar to me that i just had to write. I’m sure you know by now that this is not what true love is. From a psychological perspective it is an addiction. Pure and simple and you have to treat it as such. It will be a hard addiction to beat because it has developed over years of conditioning, high highs and low lows. That anxiety you feel when he’s slipping away, that euphoric rush you feel when things are good. Your brain is addicted and you need to beat it cold turkey. The withdrawal phase will be painful, it always is, but you must take all measures not to reinforce your habit and prolong your withdrawal. As you have already begun to do that means avoiding all addiction stimuli eg. seeing his face (instagram), hearing his voice in your head (reading old texts), etc etc. As they say to all addicts its all about recognising your addiction triggers and avoiding them and developing coping mechanisms to get through this period of withdrawal. You know this guy is no good for you but because of your kind nature and looong history you only remember the good times because that is how the brain works. But now you have had your breakthrough. You’re living your life addiction free and it will get easier as time goes on. You are gorgeous and have everything going for you so it is only a matter of time until you find someone with all the positive things you liked about your ex but none of the negative things. And when that happens you must be healthy and addiction free and ready to accept it. (I took the analogy a bit far but you get my point lol). Good luck!

    #399522 Reply

    Ashley

    M, so true! I’m learning now just how imortant really strong boundaries are in relationships

    Sue, Nope that was a first! He had been mean to me thru text before but always super nice in person. My friend knew he didn’t deserve me but he had no clue he could be so mean

    I remember the next morning Nick texted me “you were kinda wild last night. & not in a good way” & he told me not to drink anymore. & I thought that was weird because while I couldn’t remember much I knew I didn’t act crazy or anything. & my best friend reassured me 10 times I did absolutely nothing annoying, you wouldn’t even know I had been drinking. I could see him acting a LITTLE weird if I was being obnoxious but that wasn’t the case. It’s insane!!! And I forgot to write yesterday I straddled Nick on the couch like being flirty & Nick SHOVED ME AWAY. I was shocked to hear that. My friend said I got on his lap again later & Nick SHOVED ME AWAY HARD and I fell on the floor. Then he was like “oh sh*t” like he didn’t realize I would fall & helped me up. My friend said he was so disgusted he couldn’t BELEIVE Nick actually shoved me off of him. He said he had never seen anything like that in his life he couldnt believe what he was seeing. He said “any other guy would be in heaven if you were on their lap but he had his hands guarded like he didn’t want to touch you, just kept looking at the tv or looking at me like totally avoiding you” & like I said yesterday my friend said while he was trying to talk to Nick at the beginning & get to know him, he was impossible to read just like no expression, completely indifferent. I am GLAD I don’t recall much of that night that is one memory I am glad I do not possess!!!!!!!

    #399525 Reply

    Ashley

    Jocelyn, It makes me SO SO happy to know that this is helping you get through your difficult time. Thank you SO much!! We’ll get through it together! hugs

    Lola, Yes it is getting a TON better by not checking his instagram anymore! Honestly even though it’s only been a couple days that I haven’t checked, that is more effective than no contact! Because with contact he can portray himself any way he wants to, but his social media tells the truth so when I would look at that, every time I got hurt all over again, I kept getting exposed like I was still in his world. Now that I stopped & I literally have NO IDEA what he is doing or thinking, I no longer feel stuck in his web. I feel we are completely separate! Thank you so much for taking the time to write that, it makes so much sense!!

    #399615 Reply

    Ashley

    Tonight that guy who resurfaced is coming over, it will be very late at night by the time he gets off work & drives here so it’s a LONG time from now haha so far away that I don’t even feel like it’s today. Hopefully it’s fun!

    #399631 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Have a great time and update us on the details…

    #399790 Reply

    Ashley

    First of all HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY to all you lovely special ladies!!! I appreciate you so much!! :)
    so last night with the guy that resurfaced didn’t happen! It’s weird, all day yesterday I had a bad vibe like as if I’d be waiting all day to hear from him about what time he would come or that the night wouldn’t happen. I was right! lol.
    Since he works at that huge restaurant & it’s Valentine’s Day weekend, I understand it’s a very busy hectic time & he wouldn’t know exactly what time he would be done til later on. I expected he would text me at like 11 PM (when the restaurant normally closes) & let me know but he was still busy. For some unknown reason yesterday, I was EXHAUSTED, like I could’ve easily went to sleep at 7 PM I just was so tired & not in a good mood lol. I was trying to wait for him to text me first but I got so impatient, I had been ready in full hair & makeup for what felt like forever. I just wanted to know WHAT TIME even if it was super late, I just wanted to have the information so I could make a decision if I was willing to stay up til then. I texted him at 11:30. I said “What time are you coming? Please let me know asap I’m so tired” He texted me back at 12:15 “I don’t know babe I’m still at work.” Even though he didn’t do anything *wrong* for some reason I felt disrespected. That probably sounds overdramatic & weird but that’s how I felt. I felt EXTREMELY annoyed. I felt like he should’ve given me some sort of time, like in an hour, hour & a half, just something so I could be informed. I thought I was overreacting so I texted my best guy friend & he said “I can’t believe he’s pulling this sh*t! Who does he think he is? He could have at least given you an estimate or something.” Then I didn’t feel so bad, I was like exactly, I understand he has to do what he has to do but on his break he could’ve quick texted me that he will be there a while, or even that he’s not sure how late it will get before he can leave. It was the fact when I asked what time, he said “I don’t know” that made me mad, I felt like you don’t KNOW?!?!?? So at 12:30 I texted him “Since you don’t know then forget it” and at 1:15 he texted me “I’m sorry baby we’re just closing up the restaurant now and it will take me at least 2 & a half hours to get there from the city I’m sorry” I didn’t respond. You ladies can tell me if I’m CRAZY lol but that situation made me mad?

    #399815 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Ashley,
    This is something I hope helps everyone. I pay VERY close attention to what a man does early on. When they are just getting to know you, they are on their best behavior.

    He should have told you he was going to have to work late and suggest an alternative time to see you (and by that I mean take you out!)

    I would never let a guy just come over, so early on in the getting to know each other stages. It is such a lazy date and screams of booty call/hookup. If we don’t show a man we are deserving of respect and consideration, they won’t give it. And we teach them this from our first meetings!

    You are in a vulnerable place (understandably) right now. But you are setting yourself up for another “Nick” if you don’t command respect (and you do this by valuing yourself for the amazing person you are, and realizing you are worth so much better). Please stop tolerating pretty words and no real worthwhile behavior from guys.

    This is garbage, and I am not at all impressed by this guy. I really think you need to be careful right now with just getting out of a relationship, you are ripe to be taken advantage of. Time alone is the best way to reflect and reallize what you need to do differently (for yourself).

    Continue to see friends and have fun, but I think dating right now is dangerous for you

    #399819 Reply

    Ashley

    Phillygirl, thanks for your reply! I hope you’re having a nice day today! :)
    Oh I know, oddly enough I ONLY wanted to have sex with this guy lol like feelings free sex. If I wanted more than that I wouldn’t invite him over late at night haha. I don’t want to get my feelings involved with anyone so soon after Nick, I know that’s not a good idea, I just want NOTHING to do with feelings at the moment, plus I already know that this guy is the type of guy who doesn’t want relationships so that’s why I decided he’d be perfect for just hooking up. I just got SO annoyed when he didn’t give me a specific time! I was EXHAUSTED, could’ve slept by the time most people are eating their dinner & I was furious I stayed up late for nothing. When I looked at our convo though I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting & acting crazy or if I had a right to feel mad.

    #399826 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Hi Ashley,
    Ok, I didn ‘t realize that. That makes the situation a little different. But do you really think you could just have sex with him without feelings developing? Just asking, maybe you can, I don’t know. If you can, then just be careful.

    I still think he was inconsiderate.

    I am having a really nice day. I just got beautiful cards and gifts from my mom, son, and sister. And my wonderful BF just sent a lovely card and my favorite.. 2 big boxes of gourmet chocolate dipped strawberries :)

    I have no complaints right now

    #399834 Reply

    Ashley

    Phllygirl, yea I met him in Sept/Oct & he treated me very well (I explained the story of how we met a couple pages back somewhere haha) him not letting me know is unlike him, I understood because of where he works, it just made me mad because lets face it he wouldve had 2 minutes to simply text me an estimate. I was tired & cranky before that happened though, so I don’t know what’s wrong with me haha. Yes, the reason why I just wanted to have sex only for a night is because that’s the only time I’m really happy, like how I used to be in college, I LOVE having friends with benefits, I can have intercourse with absolutely no feelings of attachment like a guy, I love it because I get the benefit & fun of some male company once in a while yet no stress, worrying, anxiety etc :) so that’s why I just wanted to hook up last night. Not necessarily make a habit of it, but I had sex with him before once in the fall & it was fun. :) I agree he was inconsiderate thank you I didn’t know if I was being crazy or not. It can be hard to tell when I’m in a weird mood haha! Awww yay that sounds so nice I’m so glad you’re having a nice day you deserve it! :) hugs

    #399879 Reply

    Ashley

    Today I’m in such a weird mood. Luckily I’ve never had any Valentine’s Day memories with Nick, so it’s not that, it’s just a heavy, negative vibe I feel today. As soon as I woke up today I wondered how he felt today, like if he thought of me on this day at all or if he’s just in his own world. Tonight is officially 3 weeks since he’s been at my house. In my opinion weeks go by SO fast, but it seems like it’s been way longer than that. I also just counted that it’s been 9 days since he’s said a word to me. Again, it seems WAY longer than that! However I believe the last time I texted HIM was last Sunday. So it hasn’t actually been that long since I haven’t made contact but it seems like FOREVER! Honestly I thought it was at least 2 weeks by now but I was wrong. To know the fact that LAST WEEKEND was the last time I reached out to him… it’s surreal… it feels likea lifetime ago. It’s discouraging. I feel like I’ve came so far in a week which I’m proud of but the fact I feel like this right now & it’s only been a week of me not “trying” makes me feel down. When I really realize that it hasn’t been that long yet that we haven’t spoken or actually even seen each other (considering to me weeks go by like days) it’s making me feel weird. Maybe I’m just starting to get PMS or something, but I’m definitely feeling weak today, like missing him/thinking about him. Today was supposed to be the next time we’d spend time together but again I don’t think it’s that that is bothering me. I know there is nothing to *miss* like if we were talking it would be the same old stuff. I’m just feeling sad. I’m not tempted to reach out to him or anything like that, but I guess I am just feeling like WOW it seems like FOREVER since we’ve spoken & it’s kinda disappointing to know it hasn’t been that long at all. I feel sort of teary eyed? Not sure what’s exactly going on with me right now. I’m also not tempted to check his instagram which is a good thing, I can’t pinpoint exactly what I feel *weak* about I just feel extra lonely.

    #399894 Reply

    m

    Sending you lots of love and hugs. It’s natural to feel yucky today, you are going through the withdrawals and had a disappointing night last night and today is a day all about love and couples. You are perfectly normal to be feeling not the happiest today. Lots of hugs

    #399899 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Ashley, I’m so sorry. But as M said, what you are feeling is normal. It’s Valentines day, you just had a recent breakup. Even though he’s a real piece of worrk, it’s going to hurt. You are not only going through the withdrawal of being in a an emotionally addictive relationship, but you are going through the grieving process.

    It takes time for our hearts to catch up with our heads. We can intellectually know someone is bad for us, and we are better off without them. But that doesn’t make the hurt just disappear. But remembering how awful he is, can help build up some scar tissue around your hurting heart -so it can begin to heal and become stronger.

    The end of any realtionship is like experiencing a death. It comes in ebbs and waves. One moment you may feel a little euphoric that you are free and it’s over, the next numb, then ambivalent, then angry, sad, lonely, anxious or any combination thereof. Unfortunately it is a process, and you have to go through it. There really isn’t any way to shortcut it. Because if you do, it will creep into new relationships and situations until you’ve fully dealt with it.

    Talking/writing it out is cathartic. So is spending time with friends, being good to yourself, and balancing keeping busy with finding downtime to relax.

    Hugs, and I really do understand.

    #399980 Reply

    Ashley

    M and Phillygirl, thank you both so much for being there for me and helping me sort through this, you made me feel a lot better, just to have people who understand and know how I feel. It helps so much to have support from women who have been through it. My friends mean well but they can’t really help or relate the same way like you women can. Phillygirl you made a great point that it’s something I have to feel the whole thing I can’t just skip ahead to the finish line or else it will hurt me more in the long run. That’s what I would do in the past & it explains why it would just creep back into my life so thank you!!!

    #400048 Reply

    Fate

    Hi
    I think I need some support over the next few weeks… In my 40’s, separated, I met a great guy online in the same situation.although we lived on opposite sides of the world, we fell in love. He emailed me every day, we phoned,he often said he could’nt believe that I would fall for him, and didn’t think I would be interested in him.I flew 24 hours to meet him after a year of a fantastic courtship. We had a great time together, and continued our relationship for another 4 months, until a misunderstanding led him to ask for a 4 week break at the end of October. I said I respected his need for space, even though I was naturally hurt I never heard from him again. I emailed him in January, no reply, the next day I emailed him again from my work email, in case he had blocked me, and said, I hoped he had sorted himself out, told him about my holidays and said that I hoped he was ok, because I know he is not the type of man to just leave me hanging. He emailed back, said he was sorry, he would always loved me, but his estranged wife wanted to work thins out, and some things aren’t meant to be. He also said he was deleting his online chat account in a few days time. I told him how disappointed I was that he didn’t tell me this at the start of the ‘break period’, and left me in limbo all that time, I wished him well and said goodbye.Fast forward to last Friday, and I jumped online on chat, just to talk to people, and take my mind off him. Straight away, I see his name in the main chat area, with a kind of flirty two line convo with another woman.He must of jumped off as soon as he saw me log in, but the damage was done. I now see him as a someone who must have lied to me the whole time, and have found out that he flirted while with me. I just can’t come to terms with how or why someone would play with someones mind and heart like this. I gave my heart and soul to him, something I have never found easy to do, but it had felt so right with him, he said all the right things and fell hard first (or so he said). Although we have been apart months now, I can’t stop thinking about him or analysing things. My head tells me that e played me all along, but my heart won’t let go.I still love him, I get hurt then angry, then hurt all over again!I have not contacted him since the final mail I sent after the breakup, but after seeing him in the chatsite, I’m trying hard not to send a harsh email that I will regret. I so much want to keep my dignity, but would like him to know that I now know the last nearly 2 years of my life were a play is his warped game, and they are years I can’t get back, along with my trust. Thoughts?

    #400060 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Ashley,
    I would actualy like to thank you, for taking the time to read what I have to say, and using whatever bits of it you find helpful. I am really glad that awful relationship experience I had (and shared) is able to help someone. It’s funny, time really does start to heal most wounds, because until I started sharing some of my experiences with you, I realized how many terrible things my ex did, that I had forgotten about. This made me happy-because it reiterates how far I’ve come and how much I’ve healed.

    I can remember its a piece of my life history, it helped shaped who I’ve become, and it defines me- but only to a point. I have used it to grow and make me a better person, so for that I am grateful. I know it sounds crazy to be grateful to someone who was a monster to you, but..beauty from ashes.

    I have an incredible joy in my life because he gave me my son, and I learned to truly love….my son, myself, my friends and family, my career and life in general.

    If we can take lifes worst experiences to grow us up and improve ourselves, what greater result could there be?

    Hang in there sweetie. I promise it will get better. But it does take time.

    In the meantime, we’re here. And this forum has been a blessing to me, too. Even the advice I don’t completely agree with.

    I have so much respect for most of the ladies here (and I mean 90+ %), and I’m grateful to everyone who has the courage to post a sincere, inteelligent, and thoughful response-whether I am on the exact same page or not.

    #400068 Reply

    Ashley

    Fate, I’m really sorry for what you’re going through :( I know how you feel. You can start your own thread though so the topics don’t get confused.

    #400070 Reply

    Ashley

    Phillygirl, There is a saying I heard once, I don’t know verbatim but it’s that bad experiences we go through we use to help others.. it’s a nice quote but I don’t remember exactly what it was. It feels really good to talk about everything!! Not only does it feel good but we realize SO much like you said , things we may not have realized before! also to me at least, the more I talk about it on here the more I remember, like things that were in the back of my head that I had forgotten about come to the surface. it’s like the more remembered, the more figured out, it’s pretty neat :)

    Today for some reason I was very tempted a few times to check his instagram. I’m guessing it was the whole Valentine’s Day thing.. like to see if he is seeing a girl, or to see if he posted emotional memes or something lol I remember once in the fall he put up a meme about how he just wants a woman who is honest, consistent, trustworthy, respectful etc with the caption “where the hell am I gonna find that?” and he put that up after I told him off/cut him off for seeing other girls I was like REALLY????? hmmmm I’d never GUESS where you could find someone like that!!! lol it was maddening. I resisted temptation to look not only because I know I don’t want to start that bad habit up again PLUS if I see something maddening it will make me want to flip out lol. I didn’t give in to temptation to check but even right now as I type this I want to check! I have to admit, I’d love to know where his head’s at. But I know I can’t!!! lol

    #400079 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Stay strong and don’t check any of his social media. I know its hard. But you know it will only make you feel worse.

    Regardless of whether he posts “sad missing my girl” or “happy having the time of my life” stuff. It’s all nonsense.

    Narcissists, which we have no doubt he is now, love a good mind screw. It’s almost all they do.

    Just remember-everything he does is solely and completely about him. He does not (is not capable) of truly caring for anyone else. They can fake it really well for awhile, when it suits them. But it is all fake.

    Think of that every second you miss him

    I did that excercise with my psycho ex. I will never entertain the thought of him in my life ever again, because I knoww he never really cared for or valued me.

    I have now said, every day for over 10 years….good riddance to bad rubbish.

    #400093 Reply

    Ashley

    Phillygirl, I am staying strong!! I know that no matter what I see it would be annoying I am sure!! And who knows, maybe he thinks I will check so he might post something on purpose. But I am definitely going to not look no matter how much I might want to at times!! This was a hard weekend and I’m hoping now that it’s over I can get back to being stronger & more positive like I was last week! :) I think it was the whole V day weekend element. Thank you!!!!

    #400119 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Catching up here so forgive the delay.

    Oh man….new guy had to work….and I was all set to hear about what a great time you had….damn. You need other friends with different hours….

    You should be proud of yourself for not looking even if tempted. That shows how strong you have gotten! Good job!

    I am so glad you are writing how you feel and keeping us posted. I know that reading your posts helps me to better understand how others feel as well and the process/journey they have to go through. Thank you for sharing so I can learn more.

    #400176 Reply

    Ashley

    Sue, Thank you!!!
    Yes writing on here is helping me immeasurably .. when I am tempted to look at instagram or when I feel bad just typing about it on here makes me instantly feel better!! It helps me not to act on impulse like I did in the past & keep in mind the bigger picture!! Thank you I love learning too it’s fantastic!! :) the more I learn about my situation the more in control I feel

    #400274 Reply

    Ashley

    I’m still having a lot more weak moments than I’m comfortable with today. I keep having flashbacks of conversations we had years ago, before he became this way, just him being sweet, genuine, & innocent, when he totally adored me & would do anything for me. He would talk to me for hours if you told me that in a few years he would be ignoring me, I would’ve thought you were crazy. I wish I appreciated those times more. I just never thought he would change into a different person. But I mean really who could’ve predicted that. I just keep remembering certain parts of sweet conversations before he became the person he is today. The way I can best describe it is imagine he was this sweet little boy who was innocent & just the sweetest thing…..& then turned into a teenager who was cruel & insensitive…& you’re like but what happened to my sweet little boy?? he has to still be in there somewhere!! That’s how I feel about him in this situaton, I don’t have children but I feel a motherly sensation if that makes sense. Like he used to be a wonderful kind child & now an awful person. I just feel really sentimental right now & wish I could go back a few years ago before he started being manipulative. I feel like I didn’t appreciate him enough when he was a good person it’s almost like I took him for granted & now everything is totally different. I feel SUPER teary eyed right now. I hope it’s mostly just PMS starting. I REALLY hate being this way. I know logically there is no payoff from going there but it just happened. I started remembering conversations from when we were younger as I was grocery shopping

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