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February 9, 2015 at 12:36 pm #398249
Amy, WOW I’m sorry isn’t it insane how manipulative they are??? I cannot imagine continuously lying to someone let alone being so twisted that I say one thing then contradict myself saying the other!! that’s what they are like!! it’s like I don’t want you…Now I want to live with you. it’s like WHAT??? they are seriously FAR GONE CRAZY!!!! Thank you I am feeling a lot better!! xoxoxFebruary 9, 2015 at 12:45 pm #398251
It gets better though. He tried to say that the reason he pulled away from me in december and then did what he did was because one night months ago…that i can’t even remember…i told him that we don’t have to have sex every night…just completely innocently and he took that as i was repulsed by him and didn’t love him anymore and he started thinking i was cheating on him again!!! Now come on for a 32 year old man to think so insecurely like that…he has serious issues!!!
its a blessing we have seen this behaviour and have learnt from it :-) xxFebruary 9, 2015 at 1:08 pm #398255
Beautiful and smart Ashley… isn’t it so funny how we can give great, clearheaded advice to others and then be totally blinded when we’re in the situation ourselves? (Im sure you know I’m the same way based on the great advice, then wasting time on immature, manipulative dickheads in my own life) sigh…
Im glad you were able to see that it wasn’t you, it was him… now will you please delete him from social media and use that lovely willpower of yours to stop looking? If you are doing NC, every time you see him on social media, you are getting another hit of chemicals… dopamine, adrenaline, etc… addictive stuff. The more you look on his social media, the more you are continuing to attach yourself to him. so please stop that.
Blaming yourself is totally normal and even now that you know, your mind will probably still do there and find that time you looked at him funny or you had PMS or you’ll read a relationship book and realize you could have done xyz differently and then you’ll come to to concusion that STILL, maybe if you had been even MORE PERFECT, you could have fixed him or saved him… but it is lies your head makes up. Alison Armstrong calls that “The Perfect Woman.” We all have a perfect woman that we compare ourselves to. And the more we learn about what perfection looks like, the better that perfect woman becomes and if we aren’t perfect all the time, a little voice in our heads judges us. So know that you’re going to naturally be compelled to do that (and whn you have PMS or are feeling low, depressed, griving, etc, that compulsion to be more perfect will be stronger).
So what can you do now to focus on YOU? This guy is a narcissist and likely a sociopath. You could do some Googling on Narcissistic Abuse if you like. I’m sure a lot of women have stuff to contribute on that topic. The narcissist will get you hooked and have you thinking it’s you fault. Couple that with your inner “perfect woman” and it’s a recipe for you blaming yourself, no matter how bad he was. This is one of the reasons women stay in abusive relationships… the man is beating them nearly to death but once he comes back and is sweet and says sorry, I’ll change, but you just “make me” do things sometimes… the woman takes part of the blame and takes him back. There will ALWAYS be some “blame” on both sides, no matter how awful one person is and how perfect the other is… it takes two and there are at least two sides to every story. So please let the idea of perfection go and practice some acceptance of what is.
Lots of love and please know it’s much easier to give this advice than it is for me to follow it, so no judgement. You are doing your best and you WILL get through this. And you are young and beautiful and at the age where you are most desireable to men… so no more wasting time on this one. Take care of yourself so you will attract a good, healthy one now.
Lots of love!February 9, 2015 at 1:19 pm #398256
Amy, Nothing more unattractive than a very insecure man. They are 1000000 times more insecure than a woman could ever be! At least when girls are insecure it’s either from past experiences or surface things like body issues…things that make sense but when guys are really insecure it’s like another level of crazy & it impacts others greatly it’s just awful !!
M, Awww thanks for the compliments :) yes! I wish taking our own advice was easier!! but we get there! :) He is already deleted, but I just gotta stop looking!! From the end of November until recently I made a vow not to check, & I actually never looked once for 3 months & I wasn’t even tempted to!! Now that I gave myself “permission” it’s like making up for last time, checking like a maniac so yes I know it’s defintely not healthy now that I know the truth I need to STOP no sense in looking anymore at this point!!!That makes SO much since, thank you so much for providing that insight & wisdom, I LOVE reading insight & learning more & more! Thank you!! xoxoFebruary 9, 2015 at 1:50 pm #398259
I have an update to share with you , it’s a good thing , but for some reason when I keep trying to post it on here it doesn’t let me!! I suppose I’ll have to condense it, maybe there is a word limit on here?February 9, 2015 at 1:53 pm #398261
I have the paragraph I want to share copied & pasted, I’ve tried to post it sooo many times but it won’t go, so I’m going to cut the story in half in two posts perhaps that will do the trick :)February 9, 2015 at 1:58 pm #398264
ok that didn’t work either so now I have to post it in many posts im guessing? lol, weirdFebruary 9, 2015 at 2:02 pm #398266
I wanted to share with you ladies that ya know how I was sad he pulled this right before Valentine’s Day?? Well it’s no longer a problem I won’t be alone this weekend after all ;) this guy I had seen in Sept has resurfaced! Just like MAGIC, Sat night he texted me. We lost touch for a couple months because I was focused on the jerk (his name is Nick by the way haha) and he also moved back to the NYC area for the winter to work at his family’s other restaurantFebruary 9, 2015 at 2:06 pm #398268
I met him when I was working for my aunt, my aunt & I went to dinner at a fancy restaurant every night & he was a waiter there, his brother owns it & he was very taken to me, every time I was there he kept sending me complimentary elaborate desserts & cocktails, one thing after the other, he was such a gentleman the way he showed me he was interested was very classy & he made me feel like a princess. One time I was tipsy & told him to feed me the dessert, & he did, in front of the whole restaurant!! hahaha. He came over to my house once in Oct & we had sex. I had no feelings of emotional attachment or anything it was just fun.February 9, 2015 at 2:08 pm #398269
As he moved back to NYC for the winter plus I got back involved with Nick, we naturally lost touch. I didn’t think about him. It’s like something went off in his head the other day that told him I was available & he texted me like clockwork Sat night! He said he was working at the Connecticut restaurant just outside of NYC (it’s very fancy celebrities go there which I love because since he’s always in high end places it means he has manners/hospitality skills, I LOVE manners lol that’s what impressed me about him initially, I rarely come across people my age with truly impeccable manners)February 9, 2015 at 2:09 pm #398270
he told me he will come over any time I want him to. I felt flattered because the way he said it was like he made it clear I was a priority, that he would gladly go out of his way any time I wish, like I’m sure I’m 4 hours away from his job so that means it would be 8 hours total commute just to see me a couple hours, so that spoke to me a bit. Other guys went out of there way like that for me too, but since he has no emotional history with me, it impressed me a bit. He may just want to hook up (if he does, that’s honestly fine, I am the type of girl that does not have feelings of attachment after intercourse) but there is no shortage of beautiful women where he’s at, so I feel like if he just wanted sex, he could easily get that from anybody thereFebruary 9, 2015 at 2:10 pm #398273
I invited him to come over this weekend. Yesterday he texted me asking how my day was & he wishes I was there. It might sound silly, but my brain has been so messed up the past couple months that a man actually texting me felt good, like I forgot how it felt to be pursued. It felt nice for a guy to be making the effort & saying the things I had been doing for Nick every day. I know how silly that sounds, but that’s how messed up my thinking has been, I’ve been giving for so long so something as simple as a guy texting me first & being charming helped snap me back to reality about how things really should be. He didn’t have to text me , since we already made plans the day before , but he did. The timing couldn’t be more perfect because now I can look forward to some male company this weekend! Whether he’s interested or he just wants casual sex, either one is cool with me I honestly don’t have a preference, I just am so happy he came back into the picture at the PERFECT TIME, it’s just what I need right now!February 9, 2015 at 6:34 pm #398334
Have a wonderful time with him!February 9, 2015 at 7:34 pm #398338
Thank you Sue!! He texted me again today the same time he did yesterday, it makes me appreciate the smallest thing just consistency :) it’s like FINALLLY someone is acting NORMAL hahahFebruary 10, 2015 at 12:25 am #398405
I think “M” hit it on the head. There are two separate issues at work here.
1) I believe you are dealing with a narcissist w/possible sociopathic tendencies:
My ex, the father of my son is a narcissistic sociopath. I hope a little personal background helps you understand.
It is all about the chase for them. They love to pursue the unattainable. They come on very strong, and yes, at times to the point of creepiness.
They have no empathy-except the empathy they have for themselves.
People are a means to an end. My ex was very charming, intelligent, and persistent. He chased me (to the point of enlisting friends and colleagues until I gave in). Then I started to see the dark, selfish, ugly side. I’m not going to get into details of what he did to me when I got pregnant. It’s too horrific.
They don’t change, except to get worse. But they will play with you-the way a cat plays with a mouse or a bug. It is not nice, and it is very destructive.
When you realize what they are, it makes understanding and letting go so much easier. This kind of person only destroys. They do not build up, they do not love anyone but themselves. Some don’t even think there is anything wrong with them (my ex). They are dangerous,manipulative, without shame or compassion.
He will come back if you move on. It’s a guarantee. It is not because they love you. It’s an ego thing. You are their property. They don’t really want you, but they want you to adore and worship them. And you are not allowed to be happy or have a life without them. Remember this when he turns the charm back on.
It has been eleven years and my ex still tries to get in contact. I have been in no contact mode for 9-1/2 years. I don’t know if he will ever truly go away. He has broken my son’s heart, and I will kill him if he hurts him again.
2) The second issue is why you have this “connection/addiction/inablilty to let him go.
There is a specific study in my field of work called behavioral finance. It helps us figure out, and help combat clients self-destructive behaviors in regard to investing. Some of it is so relateable to dating and relationships.
A few of them are applicable here.
1) Loss Aversion: People hate losing more than they love winning. This is why an investor continues to pile money into a bad investment. They can’t admit defeat, they can’t let go. If they can just get their original investment back, they will sell. It almost never happens. They pile in good money after bad. It’s been found that a loss has 2.5 times the impact of a gain of the same magnitude. In the meantime, better investments are passed by while waiting for the stock to rebound. Now re-read that and replace “investor” with “women” and “investment” with “men/relationships”.
2)Fear of regret: regret is more than experiencing the pain of a loss. Regret involves the pain of feeling responsible for the loss. This is why clients won’t sell stocks at a loss. It ties into loss aversion as well.
3) Anchoring: the tendency to hold onto certain beliefs even when faced with new information that should alter those beliefs. Creating, in effect, tunnel vision. Past experiences create beliefs that you subsequently rely on more than you should (you have a bias toward one way of thinking, even when new information is provided). The new information is discarded or undervalued -even though it clearly relfects what is really going on. This is the mind refusing to accept unpleasantness or anything that changes the status quo.
None of this is a magic pill that will make you instantly let go of your feelings for him. But understanding and accepting this will make it easier and hopefully speed up the process :)
Good luck!February 10, 2015 at 4:50 am #398427
Wow, Phillygirl. Thank you for that post! Very informative, i’m sure a lot of people will benefit!February 10, 2015 at 8:23 am #398468
You are very welcome M! I hope it is beneficial :)
Hugs!February 10, 2015 at 10:54 am #398506
Phillygirl, I really enjoyed reading what you said thank you SO much for taking the time I can’t tell you how much I apppreciate it!!! like I said the more I know/can learn about this the better!!
He even said to me once last year after contacting me after a few months of no contact “you are my property” !!! whenever he texts me again after a while of not talking he says the same crap to hook me back in but luckily usually at those times I know what he’s up to & I just laugh at him. Last Sept he said “I miss you. Marry me. Can we have a baby” and then he proceeds not to text me anymore while looking for other girls & when I didn’t text him for 2 weeks after he said that he texted me “wtf” I said what. he said “you’re supposed to text me” I said “am I?” & he said “yes. so act better” I remember it as clear as day. I was laughing at him like then he sent me a million question marks all night long saying I didn’t answer his question about having a baby. Now if I did that to him, I’d be “crazy” .. he could not answer my texts for a long time but if I ignore ONE text let alone multiple texts it sends him into a frenzy. I think I already mentioned that previously but I’m just saying it agian because it COMPLETELY matches up with what you just explained to me!!
Exactly, he doesn’t want me or the rest of them, as soon as he gets them that’s when he drops them about a month later! I just noticed the other day that every time he asked me to be his gf, like clockwork, he disappears EXACTLY a month later. No sooner no later.
everything you said makes so much sense & helps me see why I felt so “bad” about it thank you so muchFebruary 10, 2015 at 11:09 am #398509
I wanted to tell you ladies that I’m sure if he hasn’t already, he will be stalking my instagram to see where my head’s at. Even tho we aren’t friends on there, he can still see my account because it’s public. Usually when girls (and him) go through a hard time they post memes with relationship quotes/break up quotes etc. Well NOT ME!! haha I look like I couldn’t care less. I look like I’m having the time of my life!! I posted a couple beautiful pictures of myself and on one the guy who has resurfaced left a bunch of heart emoticons, so if he sees that he will see I’m already moving on & talking to another guy (in a matter of a few days too LOL) and other than that I have like 5 videos up of me & my best guy friend at a party being hilarious & having so much fun in party mode like I truly look like I’m having the best time & nothing has phased me one bit!!!! it doesn’t look fake/put on either because you can’t hide that carefree/fun/enjoying life in the videos!! :)February 10, 2015 at 2:15 pm #398549
I can feel a huge difference today in the way I feel & my head is SO clear. I’ve had moments of feeling good & burdens being lifted in previous days, but today I honestly feel like I’m above the nonsense & I know EXACTLY what I’m dealing with. I just read my entire thread & everything is really resonating with me. I feel like I can completely comprehend the reality of him & comprehend all the things you wise ladies are telling me. It feels great to have your support & guidance. I love reading all of the insight, it makes me feel stronger & stronger every time I read everything & focus!! :) I can also tell the difference between how I feel now that I’m doing no contact & talking to this other guy. With Nick, like I’ve said before I felt anxiety/tense every day, I felt like I had to try & try, & talking with this guy who resurfaced I have none of those unpleasant feelings. I have no thoughts of texting him first, sending him things, etc I feel “normal” lol I feel how I should. I don’t feel like “oh I hope he texts me!!” I know he will, & if he didn’t for some reason I wouldn’t feel bad. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to just feel normal again. With Nick I was like wow why am I so needy? why am I so paranoid? I thought I was needy but I really wasn’t, it was just my intuition giving me warnings because with a different guy I am the complete opposite of how I was behaving, thinking, & feeling with Nick. It’s crazy what a drastic dramatic difference there is, to go from doing all this sharing, initiating, “chasing” even tho we were in a relationship. & Now I’m back to my normal self with no thoughts of putting in any “effort”February 10, 2015 at 2:30 pm #398553
I’m so sorry to hear that your boyfriend decided to go ghost on you.
I find that to be such an awful thing to do to someone. However, he will reappear eventually. What happens next is up to you. I say that you move on and find someone else who treats you so much better. You are a very beautiful woman and he should not be trolling the internet for other women. You are enough….PERIOD!
While I know it’s easier said than done, get out there and do things you like to do.Once you are out there enjoying life he eventually will become a distant memory. I hope something on this thread helps you. Best of luck!February 10, 2015 at 3:19 pm #398565
Khadija, Thank you :) I don’t know when he’ll contact me again.. it could be a couple weeks or a couple months but when he does I know I need to not respond to his textsFebruary 10, 2015 at 7:43 pm #398673
This is kind of happening to me. My boyfriend is really good with contacting me, it’s only been 8 days but to me that silence speaks volumes. Especially when he knows my last relationship foiled because of lack of communication. He knows how much it bothers me. We spoke on the phone three days in a row, he got sick one weekend but then that monday he texted me and said “sorry for not writing, I was sick this weekend. Please don’t be mad or worried, I love and missed you so much. We will talk this week.”
I texted him two hours later and through the day like normal- I haven’t heard from him since last Monday at all. Despite advice I did ask if he was okay. I had commented on his profile pic and said “that’s my sexy boyfriend.” Which he apparently deleted. Seems kind of lame to ignore his girlfriend over something like that when he is more open about our relationship than I tend to be. I basically texted yesterday he should take his time and drop me a line when he’s ready…he hadn’t replied.
I totally feel your pain, ghosting is so horrible and I feel like I just became a victim of ghosting. How do you go from being crazy In love to nothing?! My boyfriend is veteran, he was in the army for 12 years so he’s used to not allowing people to become close to him. I guess I will begin to ignore him back, I’ve let it out that im here, I trust him and he can text me when he wants. It’s up to him but man is it hard!February 10, 2015 at 7:52 pm #398680
Try not think about how long it will be before he contacts you again.
Doing that will only make the time apart miserable. See you’re already ahead of the game by deciding to not respond to his text whenever he does reappear. Stay strong, it will get better over time!February 10, 2015 at 8:27 pm #398694
Dani, aww I’m sorry you’re going through this too :( these guys are such cowards!!!! Honestly the fact he deleted your comment is bad. That means he is looking for other girls & doesn’t want them to see he has a girlfriend. The fact he is doing that may mean the same thing is happening to you, that it’s over he just doesn’t want the drama/confrontation of telling you. Any guy who hides you on social media, it’s not a real relationship. Ignore him right back girl. I’m sorry this is happening to you as well. hugs