Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Bf just ghosted, need friendly support
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ok that was a total PMS moment lol I took a shower and looked at things online and now I am back to a decent mood :)
Wow. I am gaining insight here. I feel less lonely and understood. I pray that I never hurt another person in the way the so many of us have been.
I see kindness here, and good people believing in others. But getting stomped on for being kind.
Sigh. Bottle of white, here I come!
What do you think caused him to change over time from the sweet?
it was this girl he dated that screwed him over .. he contacted me last Feb a year ago after not talking to me for months (the last time we were in a relationship & he disappeared with no explanation same as this) & he explained to me he’s messed up because that girl cheated, he self-sabotaged his relationship with me, because I seem too good to be true (I said I’m not, this is how I really am) he tried to commit suicide because he felt like a failure at love.. I think that’s all.. I mentioned it before.. I wish I paid more attention to everything he said but I was dating someone else at the time & wasn’t interested in his crap because he hadn’t spoken to me in months like I honestly couldn’t care less at the time but NOW I wish I wrote down what he said but yea the main idea was this girl who screwed him over, I know which girl it was too. we all have those moments of developing trust issues but the fact he turned into what he is now, there is no excuse for it obviously! I could see him being hurt for a year or two & not open up but to be on this heartless womanizing tirade is inexcusable. especially to me of all people who he’s known forever!
that’s why I thought by just giving him a lot of love and by showing him how loyal I was he would see that he COULD trust me and feel comfortable with me and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him … but that had the opposite effect .. it’s like he got bored of me in 2 seconds, didn’t appreciate anything at all, & just wanted to give attention to random girls like he didn’t receive it at ALL
he said he wanted a “ride or die” relationship as they call it, loyal consistent trustworthy who showed him respect etc etc & the more I WAS that, the more he wasn’t interested in me
I don’t really think this other girl was the catalyst.
He is a narcissist. I know I keep saying it. It’s not to hit you over the head with it. It’s just that I know this takes time to process and understand.
Honestly, I have a much better handle on the topic than I’d ever like to, but to say I “understand it”, is a gross mis-statement. Because while I have a better grasp on what this personalilty disorder is, as someone who values, loves, and respects the people I allow in my life…I will never really understand this.
If his behaviour changed in his teens, that could help exlpain it. I think hormonal changes/puberty can be a catalyst.
Of course, I’m not an expert, a doctor, or even trained mental health professional. So I can only offer opinions and thoughts.
But they are considered, thoughtful opinions, and meant with no intent to harm.
I’m not sure what age he was when he started being that way, but the first he acted like that to me was when I was 22 (he would’ve been 23) I think the earliest it would’ve happened was when he was 21
Just remember. They are master manipulators that can string people along for very long periods of time when it suits them.
Everyone told me what an amazing, wonderful guy my ex was. When I was hesitant to date him (yes, my instincts were screaming stay away) I was told I was the crazy one.
He craps all over his closest friends and they still stand up for him. His best friend is still trying to be a bridge between us (this guy was also my friend before I even knew my now ex).
They have a knack for fooling people, reeling them in, making them feel special that they were chosen to be in their life.
Some people are now wise to my ex, but believe it or not, even knowing what he did to me, some see me as the enemy/hardass. It’s unbelievable.
All because I value and respect myself and our son too much to put up with his crap.
But the good ones get it.
And just to clarify, my ex is a wonderful whopping combo…
Narcissist/Sociopath. The best of two nightmares all wrapped up in one neat little package
I have no doubt that Nick is like that now, of course, but he wasn’t before when we were younger.. I don’t know how to describe it but I just KNOW he wasn’t. He really was a sweetheart, it wasn’t an act or anything, this is something that happened to him later on because his personality the way he interacted with others everything is TOTALLY different now.. he would NEVER behave or speak in the manner he does today back then.. like two completely different people. I just know earlier in his life he was not this way. Not that it matters now, because I know what matters now is what is going on now, but it’s just really sad
here’s an example it just came to me, obviously today he has no regard for my feelings, no empathy etc but when we were younger & he was a totally different person, when I was 17 I had an eating disorder I was anorexic & we talked every night & he would get so worried about me & scared that I would die (even tho it wasn’t quite that bad) he would cry & say please eat I don’t know what I would do if anything ever happened to you. etc .. that’s an example just off the top of my head of his two TOTALLY different personalities.. present day he is totally not a normal person like the example I gave the other day of when my best male friend described how he behaved with me when I was drunk like today he is TOTALLY heartless acting. polar opposite of who he used to be. it’s a shame
this sounds silly but the age I am, instagram means everything lol. mine is usually public (anyone can see it) at first I wanted him to see my page like when he looks if he hasn’t already to see that I look happy, sexy, etc but lately I’ve been having a weird feeling (it sounds SO stupid I know) about him looking at my page. I don’t know what it is exactly but maybe as long as he sees I’m not seeing anyone or I’m not hurt (as far as I’m publicly portraying because publicly I never want to show I am upset) , I don’t know maybe I feel like he still thinks I’m “still waiting” I cannot put it into words & I’m probably not making ANY sense but it’s just a feeling I’ve had that portraying myself as happy & everything isn’t the way to go & that I should make my page “private” (meaning you cannot see it unless I approve you) would be better so he doesn’t know WHATS going on with me. maybe it’s like, if he thinks I’m happy, he will think that no matter what he does, I am ok, I am “unhurtable” and he sees no real consequence. Consequence isn’t the right word because I walked away but I don’t know how to say this. Like oh she is unaffected I can keep doing this & whenever I feel like it again I’ll reach out. Normally I would say you want a guy to see you’re happy without him but in this case seeing how warped he is maybe it would be better if I was a complete mystery to him. It’s an odd feeling I have. I’ve been having it for a few days now so whenever I feel something longer than a day I pay attention to it. If it was a regular guy I’d be like yessss see how I look happy without you .. that’s how I felt at first.. but I’ve been getting a negative vibe about it lately. Maybe also it’s that as long as he can still see what’s going on in my life, it’s like anytime he wants he can just go on my page & see what’s going on with me, see what I look like, etc & I feel like I need to take that privilege away from him. I keep saying “maybe” because I can’t quite put my finger on it so I’m taking logical guesses lol. Anyway, I just changed my page to private so the only way he could see is if he went on his friends instagram (who follows me) but I doubt he would. I’ll see if I notice those weird vibes go away!
So you made me wonder…are you eating properly? Sleeping properly?
I block my ex from EVERYTHING.
The less he knows about my life the better. Unfortunately we still have some friends/colleagues in common. I know they feed him info/updates about me, but I can’t control that.
I will not update my FB status with my relationship for several reasons, 1) I don’t put a lot of stock or importance in FB. I use it for entertainment -and to keep in touch will friends and family all over the world, since I moved away.
2) I don’t want to make it any easier for my ex to get intel on me and my son.
Which is kind of a joke since he is a Lt. Col. in Army Special Forces (Green Beret). He is trained in obtaining hard to get info. I know he still stalks us, and I’m certain he already has way more info than I’d like.
But I protect what I can.
Sue, Yes I’ve been eating very well & getting a lot of sleep. Thank you so much for asking!
Phillygirl, that’s good that you keep everything blocked! even though he has the intelligence to figure things out, the important thing is it sends the MESSAGE that you want nothing to do with him so that’s good!! I can tell you do an AMAZING job of keeping you & your son safe!! You’re an amazing woman.
I think I figured out the main reason I had the feeling to make my instagram private is, if he can see my page anytime he chooses, it’s like he’s still dating me. Ya know how I said I’d send him pictures of food I was cooking (cooking is now my favorite thing to do) pictures of me, maybe some quotes , etc. So if he can see me, my thoughts, my activities anytime, it’s like he’s still dating me just without any effort or response on his behalf. Couple with the fact that I’m obviously not in a relationship (and I suspect won’t be for a long time) & it’s like I’m so accessible he never really has to miss me or lose me at all. I never realized that until I got those vibes last night! It truly does give the appearance that I’m just “waiting” I’m single, just in my little bubble, cooking & sitting pretty waiting for him to talk to me again. I’m sure that’s how his warped mind would see it, for the same reason he used to say he wanted to get me pregnant, feeling like he possesses me, likes the idea of collecting me like a prize more than he actually likes being with me, & have me still wanting him while he does whatever he wants. I could be wrong but at the moment I feel like he’s not interested in me WHATSOEVER like honestly I’m not even sure he’s been checking my page this time around, he might be only focused on other girls because he grew so bored of me being happy/pleasant all the time, but at least when he DOES check, for now it will be private :)
I have to be honest I had an OVERWHELMING urge to check his instagram that I couldn’t control. It wasn’t the typical day-to-day curiousity I usually feel. It was INTENSE. I’m not exaggerating I felt like I was a drug addict. I resisted the urge for a while but then I’m like ya know what just let yourself take a look and maybe whatever I see will knock some extra sense into me. I get frustrated with myself when last week I was doing SO WELL & felt empowered & strong but lately it’s like I can feel myself going backwards. This happens every time, I do amazing for about a week then I regress. I know it’s natural but I’m very critical on myself, that’s just how I’ve always been. To my surprise he hasn’t followed any new girls. He only put up 2 posts, the most recent about looking forward to summer. He put one up about Valentine’s Day and I’d love your opinions.
here is what it is: he made a “note” on his iphone that says: Love is a promise; love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear…
and the caption he wrote is: Im tired of hearing people shit talk valentine’s Day. No matter how lonely and alone ive been for the past few years i will never turn bitter to such a day. Even though its said to a B.S holiday it still only has positive values and connotations. Something that our world these days seems to be lacking. I wish everyone a happy valentine’s Day , and i hope your night is way better spent then mine will be.
HE COULDVE SPENT IT WITH ME BUT HE STARTED IGNORING ME A WEEK BEFORE IT!!!! like are you kiddingggg me. it’s like he plays victim like he’s this romantic guy who is lonely when he IGNORED ME for . At least I saw confirmation of how delusional he is from that playing victim stuff!!!! and at least I could copy & paste his own words for you ladies to see an example of how he portrays himsefl to the public like wow
Could be he wants all the girls to know how lonely he is and feel sorry for him being alone…they will probably each think “I can fix that…poor fellow…”
Oh woe is me…..poor baby.
I am so glad that hit you the wrong way….like cold water…reality helps you to see more clearly.
It’s definitely an attention trap it just makes me sooooo mad it’s like as if you offered someone a million dollars and they ignored you and then they say oh I’m so broke if only I had some money. it’s like are you KIDDING me
the little poem he put in his notes for the post: Love is a promise; love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear…
my best guy friend thinks if he just wanted to talk about the holiday itself like he did with that long caption, he couldve just posted any generic valentines day meme like most people did, but the fact he wrote that poem is so weird, he said it’s probably a message to me like the poem is basically saying it’s not forgotten don’t let it disappear? he said “he’s a complete lunatic and he’s being a baby for the exact purpose of generating pity out of you”
Just venting in hopes maybe it will help motivate me .. honestly the past few days I’ve been having a hard time. I don’t know what my problem is. the other day I chalked it up to PMS but have had a negative feeling, changed my instagram that didn’t make me feel better like I thought it may, still felt it to the point I checked his page, I mean normally I would say if I feel weird it’s because I looked at his page and took a look at his “world” but that’s not it either because I felt that way before I looked. it’s like the weird feeling is what CAUSED me to look, when other days I resisted temptation even when I really wanted to look and only felt curious, not an intense impulse like today! It can’t be all PMS, I WISH it was!!! I feel myself being weak & into “stupidland” as I call it. I know it takes time but I notice a big shift in my thinking the past few days. I know I need to start working on myself harder but I just feel discouraged lately. In my opinion I shouldn’t have went from doing really well to how I’m doing now so fast. I understand I could have bad days but it’s been a downward slump recently. I feel stupid!!! I know I’m only human but I know I’m better than this. I just don’t know what my problem is right now! It’s like coming down from a caffeine rush like you feel happy, energized, then crash. I don’t feel “separate” from him anymore like I did a week ago. Even though his texts and phone number is deleted from my phone I feel like everything just happened yesterday & I’m starting all over.
Ashley-I’m right there with you. My break up was over 6 weeks ago, he too ghosted on me. I will share more later when I have my laptop tonight. I know it’s hard and each day brings different emotions. You WILL get through it. I will too, somehow someway. You’re doing GREAT so far-not contacting him, very minimal online stalking, etc. it is just that it’s a new day and new emotions. Head up! :)
Thank you chicago girl !!! let me know when you post and I will read your post! :)