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February 10, 2015 at 8:58 pm #398704
It sounds like you are leaving the decision making to him as to what kind of relationship you will have in your life. That makes me sad. I am sad because you are not making the decision if this is what you want but just accepting what one man is willing to call a “relationship”.
Maybe, just maybe you will take your power back and decide what you want in a relationship and if this man give it to you or not. On that day you may feel better than you have felt in a long time.
HugsFebruary 10, 2015 at 9:41 pm #398718
Hi Ashley, with a regular nice guy, I would say he deserves closure, but not this one. I hope you stay no contact until you have completely moved on (however long that takes). Otherwise, he may just be able to pull you back in (with flowers or something). Any contact before then, he will feel there is still hope and you want him deep down…food for thought.February 11, 2015 at 9:44 am #398831
Free Spirit, I am definitely staying no contact!! :) I know that he does not deserve my attention. Since I’ve loved him since I was young I will probably always love him but I know I need to put myself first & remember what I deserve. If I ever texted him again, it would look like I had no respect for myself at all, that I would try to get a scrap of attention from him after not only him ignoring me but after learning he’s been in a lying/cheating mindstate the entire time. I definitely want to hold on to my dignity and not be weak when it comes to him anymore! Even if I wanted to talk to him, there is no point of texting him because not only would it make me look like a fool but he would either ignore it, or as you said try to suck me back in. I have completely deleted him from my phone, I deleted our text log and his phone number! :) I’ve had a hard time resisting temptation to look at his instagram but as one of the ladies mentioned before every time I look it creates that adrenaline/dopamine etc & is leaving me attached even still, SO this morning I made the decision that from today on I am not going to check his instagram. I’ve done it before, I can do it again! haha :) I must admit though that I AM curious when he will try contacting me. I honestly don’t know if it will be in a couple weeks or a couple months. For some reason it’s in the back of my mind, so maybe it will be sooner rather than later, or else I don’t know why I would be worrying about it. I know I have to ignore him & not respond to any of his texts when he does. That will be a big step for me because I NEVER ignore ANYONE. Even if I dislike someone, I just never ignore anyone so me ignoring takes discipline.February 11, 2015 at 11:30 am #398872
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and progress so openly here Ashley! I just stumbled across this thread and can relate to a lot of what you’re saying – I’m going through a hard time too right now. Your great attitude and the amazing progress you’re making really give me hope and strength. Keep up the great work!! And always remember you’re a special, beautiful, smart girl and only deserve the best. Lots of love!!February 11, 2015 at 11:51 am #398878
Joceyln, awwww thank you so much sweetheart!!! and I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time too if there is anything I can do to help you please let me know!!! this support & insight from other women helps SO MUCH if I didn’t have this forum to go to, I would not be doing nearly as well !!! xoxoFebruary 11, 2015 at 5:17 pm #398966
Today I am happy to report that I stayed true to my vow to not look at his instagram!! I almost gave in, but I stopped myself. It’s just like a compulsion that is so easy to do!! like I mentioned before, since I hadn’t for months up til the beginning of this month, it’s like I’ve been making up for lost time, checking it like CRAZY like obsessive compulsively honestly lol but I am so happy that I stayed true to my promise to myself not to look!! I am getting stronger each day! When I would look, it definitely made me feel like I was still being hurt & betrayed, like I was still involved in his world of disgusting behavior & now I feel less attached already by removing myself COMPLETELY. Checking his page & seeing what girls he’s hitting on, even tho it’s hurtful, was addicting. I kept checking & checking to see if there was new information. I’m glad I did before, because that is the ONLY way I found out the truth, but now I am happy that I put my willpower to work by not checking not even once. I feel even stronger today by, for the first time in forever, going a day with absolutely NOTHING to do with him!! Refraining from looking at his instagram is WAY harder to do than no contact, deleting his number etc. Small victories! :)February 11, 2015 at 6:35 pm #398990
Good for you Ashley – be proud girl!February 11, 2015 at 6:56 pm #398996
“but obviously there is something wrong with him that he does this to ALL women. he gets them into him, then he leaves them very quickly. he’s done it to me, I’ve seen him do it to countless girls who are all beautiful & look really cool
Quite simply the guy is not boyfriend material, nor relationship, nor husband material if this is how he is behaving. It think in all simplicity there comes a time when you have to decide if you are willing to be with a man that really isn’t relationship material. I know this is easier said that done since your emotions are involved, but if you want a relationship, then this guy is not a good candidate. Yes, this is practical advise, but it really all comes down to who you chose to be in a relationship with and right now, this guy just isn’t relationship material for any woman.February 11, 2015 at 9:04 pm #399052
Ivy, yea you’re right.. when I first started getting to know him up until a few years ago, he was a COMPLETELY different person. From when I was 14 til I wanna say 21 (I’m 24) he was always SUCH a sweetheart. He was an amazing friend, we talked about everything, I always felt 100% comfortable with him, he was a gentleman, he was this sweet sweet caring person. He completely loved & adored everything about me unconditionally. He accepted things about me nobody else did at the time. He loved me no matter what I did. There was no doubt in my mind that he loved me more than anything. The way he’s been the past couple years is completely different or believe me I’d never want a future with someone so selfish & cruel. That is why it’s hard for me to let go because I remember how he used to be. Like hey, isn’t that great guy still in there somewhere?? That’s why my goal is to get rid of this feeling of intense attachment. I know realistically I’ll always love him, just trying to come to terms with reality & ultimately get rid of this attachment/sentimental feeling I have that causes me to overlook logic in moments of weakness.February 11, 2015 at 10:37 pm #399074
If this guy is truly a narcissist like I think he is, then none of what he said or did (that made you think he was so wonderful previously ) was real.
Narcissists are master manipulators. If you’ve never had experience with someone like this (and lucky you then) it is very hard to understand. They can appear to be excellent, caring listeners. They even know how to seem very empathic, invested in you, and devoted. This is during the chase phase. It is all a lie.
Once they know they have you, the mask starts to come off. Then can go from (seemingly) totally into you, to completely disinterested, callous, cruel and brutish. What makes it so hard to process, and understand, is how quickly they can turn it on and off. Trust me, I lived through it. It is a complete nightmare and mind screw.
And these types of guys generally pursue women (that they perceive) as highly attractive ,unique, successful and special. I honestly think they get some kind of sick satisfaction in tearing you down.
Once I realized everything my ex ever said or did was a lie/manipulation/facade it completely changed how I viewed him, ,the relationship, and myself.
At first the hurt is mind boggling, because you can’t understand how anyone can just throw away someone (they seemed to care for) like a piece of trash. I remember days/moments where the hurt was so bad I truly thought I would just stop breathing, or my heart would cease to beat on it’s own. This is not an exaggeration. I would be on the floor, unable to move or stand, crying my heart and soul out. And I had always been a strong, independent, happy person prior to this. I thought he was going to destroy my soul at one point.
Eventually, I stopped beating myself up. There wasn’t anything unlovable or fatally wrong with me.I realized this is a reflection of his sad, twisted nature – and I learned to love and stand up for myself again.
Then, I threw HIM away. It was so empowering and life changing. In total, it’s a horrible experience to go through.
But I can tell you I came out the other side-and I did so stronger. I learned to eventually allow myself to open up again. I have learned to be more empathetic, caring, & loving (although only to those earning and deserving of it).
You can too.February 11, 2015 at 11:06 pm #399081
good for you!! Phillygirl I know that feeling… been there… the more special you are, the more he will eventually resent and despise you. It’s awfulFebruary 12, 2015 at 12:22 am #399084
And I think all of us are truly special and wonderful. I’m certainly not trying to say I am better than anyone. But these types of people pursue others that they feel can add to their status. It’s a very sad sick thing.
I don’t wish that experience on anyone. It was one of the most unhappy demoralizing times of my life.February 12, 2015 at 2:21 am #399140
All I can say is wow. When I divorced I thought I had gone through the mill but I never experienced anything like what you described PhillyGirl.
My hats off to you getting through that nightmare and being stronger for it. We all need the lesson of surrounding ourselves with loving people who will be there for us as we are for them.
I learned the hard way that friendship is the key – if a man does not treat you as a friend would treat you then he is not what you want.February 12, 2015 at 9:29 am #399218
Thanks red :)
When you are dealing with someone with a personality disorder, it is unlike anythig else you’ve experienced before.
Because until you figure it out, it makes you feel completely and crazy and confused too.
I never thought there were people out there who just manipulate or hurt others for pleasure (before that).
I learned. I am so much smarter and stronger for it. As others who have experienced any kind of abuser, once you’ve seen it and lived it, you can spot it a mile away…
That is why I am here. To help others.
I only accept loving healtlhy realtionships now. That includes anyone in my life.
HugsFebruary 12, 2015 at 9:37 am #399222
To make matters worse, he is the father of my son. My son is the greatest blessing I could ever ask for. So I believe this is a situation where God brought beauty from ashes. But I had to deal w/the nightmare of that too. He tried to make me abort. He is completely cut out of our lives, but needless to say he continues to reach out..
I’ll never be completely rid of him because we have a child together. But trust me, he is NO father.February 12, 2015 at 10:02 am #399229
Oh Phillygirl I am so sorry. As the father of your son it is a lifetime deal except later when your son can deal on his own.
How old is your boy?
I can very much imagine that makes it ten times worse. Jeez.February 12, 2015 at 10:04 am #399230
Also, do you have a substitute father in your son’s life…like an uncle or male friend?February 12, 2015 at 10:09 am #399232
My son just turned 11 last week. He’s is nothing but a joy. I hav many woderful male friends and role models in our lives, and I have been with a an amazing guy for almost a year (next week t b exact) :)February 12, 2015 at 10:32 am #399234
I am very happy to hear those answers. You are so right that your son is the beauty in the ashes…February 12, 2015 at 5:48 pm #399380
Phillygirl, That makes so much sense, that’s what my best friend said last year about him, without me even having to provide any details she said he will hurt me again for his own sick pleasure! that makes sense as to why he didn’t respond to ANY of my texts, even the one just asking him if we’re still in a relationship or not. a normal guy would have told me, no matter how much they wanted to avoid it, they would’ve told me the relationship was over but HE it’s like he got some sick thrill out of seeing me realize he was ignoring me etc. It makes so much sense that explains why one moment he seems to be loving towards me, all the while he was trying to get girls! I am so sorry for what you went through it makes me so sad to know you’ve been through such intense pain. I can’t thank you enough for all the insight & help you’ve provided me withFebruary 12, 2015 at 5:58 pm #399385
I’ve spent the day with my best male friend who met Nick in the beginning of Dec when the 3 of us were hanging out & I was drunk so I don’t remember much about how Nick acted towards me, but my best guy friend wrote it down in my phone for me so I will remember in moments of weakness & I’m going to share it with you ladies. He wrote: It made me sick the way he treated you. As soon as he came into your house, you made him a beverage which he didn’t touch. He was not receptive to your hospitality. You were friendly, playful, adorable, courteous & hospitable, but he acted mad the whole time. The entire time he refused to make eye contact at you. He looked at me & your TV, it was like he was purposely dodging you. When you talked to him, you were happy & friendly, but he just kept trying to watch tv. Despite your advances to connect, he kept his hands to his side, like he didn’t want to touch you. He kept giving me exasperated looks, as if he was saying “can you believe her?” yet you were not being annoying or obnoxious in the slightest, you were just being lovely as you always are. You were being playful, trying to lighten his mood but he acted guarded. Then the two of you went in your room & had sex. He emerged from your bedroom quickly & announced to me “Now I can leave” ,, I was drunk so I didn’t remember much of that night, for my best guy friend to tell me how HORRIBLE he treated me for NO REASON was yet another HUGE eye-opener. It really disturbed my best guy friend who loves me to death, he couldn’t believe the way Nick was acting towards me & he said it made absolutely NO sense. I said to my friend, are you sure I wasn’t being annoying, you can tell me if I was I won’t be offended at all. He maintained I acted normal there was nothing remotely annoying about me. He said he was shocked how indifferent Nick was, like after driving hours you would’ve thought he’d be happy to see me but he said Nick was impossible to read. Before he got to my house Nick was texting me he loved me, that we would “make our baby tonight” & asking me if I had baby names picked out. #sociopath much??? WOWFebruary 12, 2015 at 6:21 pm #399390
wow. we knew he was nuts but wow. Yeah, the narcissist in my life tried to convince me I should kill myself when we broke up. Seriously. He convinced me I was the one who had wronged him and twisted everything around and when I asked him how I could make it right (because I was under the illusion that it was me that was crazy) he told me to kill myself. I was like, “what?? Why would you say that?” and he was completely serious. Awful, toxic, manipulative…but showered me in praise and compliments when we first started dating, he was so in love, yadda yadda. But once he had sucked every ounce of light, strength and happiness out of me, he wanted to see if he could truly ruin me to the bitter end. He used to ask me, when I said I loved him, if I would be willing to die for him. Crazy.February 12, 2015 at 6:34 pm #399392
M, omg that breaks my heart that u went through that!!! WTF that is so insane like I can’t comprehend what makes these men so absolutely insane it is incomprehensible!!!! I can’t believe people so terrible exist while disguising themselves as normal guys!!!February 12, 2015 at 6:55 pm #399394
Does Nick have a thing for you ???
or…are you genuinely just mates ???February 12, 2015 at 6:56 pm #399396
There were massive red flags, but I was 18 when we met, and had never really seen a healthy relationship so I didn’t know they were warning signs. That’s why we need good boundaries :) most people are good but the crazy ones are the ones that often pursue the most strongly and are charismatic and attractive… just like a good con artist, an effective narcissist or sociopath knows how to pick his mark.