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February 7, 2015 at 2:23 pm #397659
Oh my gosh, I’m going through the same thing right now! My history is not as lengthy as yours. Mine has been 7 months off and on.
He gave me the silent treatment after something that happened (too long to tell). It wasn’t anything terrible but it made us both insecure. Anyway he ignored me for 2 days and finally text “sorry” after I sent him a long loving text on how I feel for him. He never responded to anything else. I text 2 days later again admitting my insecurities (opened up to him why I did it) and how he made me feel about the incident. I was sooo vulnerable and to my surprise he text me right away and basically told me that he did and still does care for me, he just doesn’t think we should continue to see each other, he also told me how amazing and great I am and how my laugh made him smile….he also said that he’s not sure if that’s the right decision right now. Basically leaving an open door to possibilities.
Which was total 180 attitude from the day prior to Sunday which we were very lovey dovie to each other. We were spending more time together and he was gradually opening up his life to me, making more commitments and stronger relationship. He’s always been very good and communicating he was also very vulnerable towards me. I have no idea about my situation but it’s ok. If it’s meant to be it will work BUT if I’m not swept off my feet if he ever reaches out and if I even have feelings for him I would have a long talk.
Glad that I’m not the only one who’s sad but I am okay with it and accept it. It gives me an opportunity to grow and learn and better myself.February 7, 2015 at 2:40 pm #397664
Beautiful Ashley, you give great advice to the ladies here, and you have found yourself in a glorious pickle. It happens to the best of us! Redcurleysue, I’m with you!! Ashley, what advice would you give to yourself if you read about how insane this guy sounds and how wrapped up you are in his bizarre behavior? Any distance you can get from this looney is a blessing!!!! Love!!February 7, 2015 at 9:13 pm #397788
Sue, I would say cut him off and never look back. I’ve cut him off before, but just have trouble not looking back
JR, I’m sorry that you’re going through that! At least he talked some to you though, ya know? And it makes more sense because something happened to cause it. So it might turn out ok :) my situation I treated him PERFECT like I never nagged, never complained, was always happy, gave him tons of space, he had total freedom being with me I couldn’t have treated him any more perfectly I treated him the way guys fantasize a woman would treat a man but doesn’t even give me the courtesy of letting me know he is going to disappear like people are crazy!!!
Alia, aww thank you for the compliment that’s sweet :) yup I know I would be like SCREW the history girl cut him off for good and never look back!!!! if you go back it will be the same thing, it will be of no benefit to you, as soon as he gets you he will hurt you again for his own sick pleasure, so stop going back!! haha now I just have to follow though & KEEP following through instead of being all sentimental/forgiving/accepting. :)February 7, 2015 at 9:24 pm #397791
It can be hard to follow our own excellent advice :) You can do it! We believe in you!February 7, 2015 at 9:34 pm #397796
thank you all so much for your support it really means the world to me :) you have all helped me sooo much and I will definitely keep reading what you all have said when in moments of weakness! today I want so share that I feel SO much better today!!!! I was busy today & I felt a HUGE difference in my day. when I first woke up & wrote on here, like I said, I was sad. I was hoping I could act “normal” today & not act down. But to my surprise, the whole day I was in a great mood!! I felt so ALIVE when I had conversations. Like I was my best self. My REAL self when I’m not worrying about what is going to happen with him! I didn’t realize the impact interacting with him made every day. Usually it’s like I’m thinking of what time would be a good time to talk to him, wat I’m going to send/say to him, then IF he will reply, if he does reply will his response be favorable…like WOW what an eyeopener!!!!! I am sure that sounds odd but that’s how it was. Today since today is my first day of no contact, I was able to go through my day being just in the moment. Nothing to plan, worry, or stress over. I reacted to everyone and everything like the REAL ME, radiating happiness & positivity to my environment. I wasn’t “in my head”.. lately it’s like I could sense something was off so I would rack my brain all day. I was NOT in a good mood. I was analyzing everything to do with him, trying to find answers. Today of no contact that burden has expired! At first I missed him like I said this morning but now I feel so much better! I didn’t realize how every day interacting with him caused me to experience mild anxiety & an overall tense feelingFebruary 7, 2015 at 10:18 pm #397806
Hi Ashley.. You mentioned “if you were one of those really busy people, you may not have noticed…”
Maybe that is a message to yourself to get busy! Get out, see friends, find your hobbies, meet new people. It will help distract you but it will also help ground you (without him.)
It does get better. Stay strong. And NC!!February 7, 2015 at 11:54 pm #397814
Hi Ashley. Your story resonates with me for a few different reasons. I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time! My bf and I broke up last week and I feel your pain. He sounds like he has a lot of similarities with my ex. My guy had a girl in which he had a 12 year history with – since they were 16. They never actually dated, but they hooked up and would always find their ways back to each other. He never dated anyone until me, but he would have flings with lots of girls and every time one ended he would turn to this girl for a few weeks and give her hope until he found his next fling. She always wanted more but wanted to be patient while he “got it all out of his system.” She waited and waited and was always there when he needed her, and he told me that they told each other they would probably end up together at some point. But while she was clinging to that hope, he knew that while she meant something to him, he had been viewing her in the same way for so many years that he could never view her in any other way than what she had been. Pretty sure she hated me BC him and I met and were boyfriend and girlfriend within two weeks and it’s something she always wanted and waited for but in reality he knew the whole time she was just his comfort blanket.
Actually last month him and I broke up and he drunkenly called her and invited her ocer. He told her he loved her and she was the one and always had been the one. Then the next day he sobered up and called me and wanted me back. When she got upset he essentially just said that he wanted to work stuff out with me and she needed to leave him alone. She continued to text him and he just ignored her. Eventually she cut him off and deleted him on facebook. I actually felt kind Of bad bc I knew they had history and I knew she would be waiting and waiting for nothing. She told him she was done w him forever but I know if he called she would be right back on his doorstep fully taking him back just long enough for him to call me again or meet another fling. And he’s almost 30 at this point. Nothing is changing. If I knew this girl personally, or if she didn’t hate me, I would want to shake her and just tell her to wake up and move on with her life. He’s not changed in 12 years and it’s naive to think he will out of the blue. And that’s how I feel about your situation. Don’t be that girl that wastes her precious years on a man that doesn’t deserve it. And I know I need to take my own advice now! I don’t have that history issue, but I do know I’m crying tears and wasting energy over a guy that sure as hell doesn’t deserve it. I think the no contact thing is so crucial. And setting boundaries. We teach ppl how to treat us and we show our value by what we put up with. If he reaches out, please be strong and know what you deserve!February 8, 2015 at 12:00 am #397816
Oh and like you, I was so good to my guy. There’s absolutely no reason he shouldn’t wanna be w me and bc of that I have such a hard time wrapping my head around it. I analyze and question every. Single. Thing. The mornings are hardest for me and I just keep thinking that Maybe there is something I can say or do to make it just Click in his head. But I know any contact at all would be a complete setback for me. Not to mention loss of dignity. So I try and stay strong. The way I look at it, even if he wasn’t a gigantic jerk, if anyone wants to walk out of my life for any reason , they’re not worth it. You don’t give up on ppl you love and you should never have to beg or chase or convince anyone to be with you.
One of my favorite quotes is: “if the rabbit is chasing you, there is something wrong with the rabbit.” Know your value and your worth and know that you could get a million guys, you don’t ever have to put up w anything less than what you know you deserve!February 8, 2015 at 1:21 am #397825
Very glad to know you are feeling better today!
You said in an earlier post, “I treated him the way guys fantasize a woman would treat a man but doesn’t even give me the courtesy of letting me know he is going to disappear like people are crazy!!!”
One of the posters on another thread gave this response to crazy behavior, “Ain’t your circus. Ain’t your monkeys.”February 8, 2015 at 8:46 am #397856
Brandi, thank you for sharing! It’s funny because when we were younger, actually the entire time up until 3 years ago, he was the one always pinning for me, he always asked me to be his girlfriend/make it official but I was never into him the same way. I went along with it, because I did want to be with him but I could feel that serious love for me radiating off of him & I just didn’t feel *that* he has ALWAYS loved me more than I loved him. Funny how the tables appear to have turned! I always loved him & always thought we would end up together, but at the TIME I was a crazy party girl & I just didn’t feel the way that he did. THEN 3 years ago, I FINALLY started feeling the same way. He used to say to me, why do I feel like when we make it official you’re gonna have sex with other guys? & I would roll my eyes like oh boy here we go. I was like the “guy” in the situation. So this whole him acting this way is surreal. The two times he has screwed me over were last fall (Oct/Nov) and the year before that, Oct 2013. He has done this weird ghosting thing where he found someone else the year before THAT as well, but it was different because I didn’t *care* because I was dating & living my own life. I hadn’t even slept with him yet at that point lol I made him wait 9 years to sleep with me. So yea it’s weird because it’s like he finally got me where he wanted me after all these years then he acts like he doesn’t want me period. Luckily I have NEVER put my life on hold ;) I’ve always done whatever I wanted. My main issue is the emotions of attachment I feel to him. I am so sorry you’re in pain I know how you feel we just have to stay strong!! xoxoFebruary 8, 2015 at 11:03 am #397871
Today I wanted to “forgive him” and take the high road and show him I am better than this and I am not going to pout or act childish like he does when he feels hurt. I know most of you will say I should have just continued with no contact today, I know, but I’m the type of person who does things like this. Don’t judge me I just follow what my brain tells me to do lol. With breakups I tend to do things like this. I don’t like things to be on a negative note. I like to be positive. I don’t like the last text I send to someone to be sad or “poor me” I like to send a message of acceptance and peace. I sent a message like this to him before the last time I cut him off and it made me feel great.
I said “I wanted to tell you I’m not mad. I knew you’d do this. You’ve done this to me before. I know how you are. In some bizarre way I understand you. I am only interested in a committed exclusive relationship. I want to get married & have kids. So if what you want is to see other girls then you should go do that so I don’t waste my time”
Now, it’s POSSIBLE he has already blocked my number. He blocks your number when he anticipates you will confront him. He literally acts like a child. One time I was going to call him out/tell him off and he knew I was going to so he told me I’m being blocked in 3,2,1. lol SO there is a possibility he will not even SEE that text if he blocked me. I’m honestly not sure if he did or not because I didn’t react emotionally or lash out at him so he may not have. I know he won’t respond so I’ll never know but it’s something I do for me.February 8, 2015 at 12:49 pm #397912
Ashley, know with a guy like him, that no girl will win. Am sorry you are sad, but now you know and can move on for good.February 8, 2015 at 1:45 pm #397921
The reason he felt you would cheat on him if you ended up together is because he himself is a cheater. Put your focus only on yourself and no more thinking about him.February 8, 2015 at 1:49 pm #397922
Thanks free spirit!! You are so right, no girl wins with him!!
I’m going to remember the positive, that now that I know that even at our best when I thought our relationship was perfect, he was hitting on girls the entire time. That gives me great comfort that it was nothing I did. Even when I know I didn’t do anything wrong, deep down I secretly still blamed myself. Now that I have seen all the proof on instagram that he has been doing this the ENTIRE time, I feel so free that I can finally let it go!!! When I analyze like crazy & rack my brain, it’s always because deep down I am searching for “what I did” even when on the surface, I didn’t do anything. I thought that he just woke up Thursday & decided to hit on a girl. Nope I’ve seen he’s been doing it since 3 weeks ago when all was “perfect” and I thought we were both happy! It sounds weird but it just made me feel happy to see that. The truth really does set me free because now there is absolutely not 1 percent of doubt!!! I know that he would cheat NO MATTER WHAT. It doesn’t matter how beautiful I am, how amazing of a woman I am, no matter how fun I am, no matter how easy I am to get along with he will do it regardless. Now I can truly let it go that I know that.February 8, 2015 at 1:50 pm #397923
If you truly want him (as your last message to him implies), my advice is to seek counseling to help you see clear you would be hurting yourself.February 8, 2015 at 1:51 pm #397924
Wow yes good point Free Spirit!! :)February 8, 2015 at 1:53 pm #397925
I just read your response. He is undeserving. Good for you to be good to yourself,February 8, 2015 at 2:01 pm #397927
it sounds weird you would think learning that it was being done to me the whole time would make me feel worse but it actually makes me feel happy because I know in no uncertain terms it wasn’t me. I doubted myself & blamed myself because I thought it happened on Thursday so I was like what is wrong with me that he is doing this all of a sudden? I analyzed everything I said trying to find a clue, like what made him decide to cheat now? did I say something to turn him off? it made me feel like crap honestly! til I JUST now saw proof it was the entire time! I am smiling right now to know that it was nothing I said or did :)February 8, 2015 at 2:05 pm #397929
Of course it wasn’t you. Now you know so beautiful you, open your world up to that awesome guy in your future.February 8, 2015 at 2:06 pm #397930
Thank you!!! :)February 9, 2015 at 2:43 am #398164
Just checking on responses since the other day. Hang in there! You can do it! Treat yourself to a dinner out, an art museum visit, or even something you haven’t tried yet.
Remember: There is always a plane or a train trip somewhere!
Good luck and keep us posted.
RuthFebruary 9, 2015 at 6:22 am #398184
So glad to see that something happened that you recognized it was not you. For some reason (I think because women are supposed to be the relationship experts) when something goes wrong we blame ourselves. All those negative emotions tie us to the situation even more.
Yes, the truth will set you free. The truth is his womanizing has absolutely nothing to do with you and never has. That is why if you take him back he will continue to womanize…just like he will with any other relationship. Personally, I feel sorry for any woman in his path…
I hope seeing this and other insights you will slowly gain over time will lead to healing and restoration for you as quick as possible. Keep us posted.February 9, 2015 at 10:47 am #398222
You were very kind to give me some advice a couple of weeks ago (ex that pulled the handbrake on his girlfriend) you told me that you couldn’t believe how I had even thought of getting involved with this guy.
but i thought i could handle him and like you said to me “change” him. But i was very stupid and naive and got caught up in it all. I am now working on me and writing down what I want from a relationship and the boundaries i want to set. but reading your story made me imagine what you would say if you were reading your own thread. and you have already said you know that he doesn’t deserve you.
I am 27, and i believe you are 24? my point is you sound like you have an amazing head on your shoulders. I only wish that when i was your age i had been more aware as you are. You know what he is doing to you? and you have had the gut feelings that all women talk about on here. and also this is not the first time you have witnessed him doing this. you said so yourself that he has done it to numerous women.
The pregnancy thing is very scary…that is him trying to pin you down so he can just come back to you when it suits him.
Don’t let him use you anymore.
You are a very strong independent woman. I agree with redcurlysue, what would you say to someone else if you saw this feed?
I do admire you though and take my hat off to you for being so mature and strong xFebruary 9, 2015 at 12:08 pm #398239
Ruth, thanks so much for checking I appreciate it! :)
Sue, Yes I ALWAYS blame myself, even when I know logically I didn’t do or say anything wrong or abnormal, deep down I rack my brain like trying to find a clue as to what I did wrong OR at what moment things changed, at what moment did he decide to stray, but WHAT a HUGE relief, to know that it was being done the ENTIRE TIME even at our “best” it totally released the burden from my shoulders!!! I feel sorry for all the other females too because he is very handsome & he looks good on paper so they all think they have a “great catch” until he manipulates them!! I’m thinking more & more that he is a sociopath because he has absolutely NO empathy about what he does to people . Thank you!!!
Amy, aww I am so happy that I helped you it means a lot & thank you for the compliments!! My problem has always been I KNOW what I should do, I tell myself the same advice I would tell any other girl, but my problem lies in it’s hard for me to get rid of that strong ATTACHMENT I have for him because he’s been in my life since I was young so it takes a while for the logic to really impact my brain, but learning how he behaves behind my back has been the biggest blessing because it shows he has no respect for me (or any other female) at all !! I have learned by doing some instagram digging that he just wants the ego boost of hitting on girls & when they don’t respond he keeps trying to chase them hard. He just wants to hit on as many women as possible. They don’t even have to be very attractive, but he will keep chasing & flattering them if he doesnt get a response. He has serious issues!!!February 9, 2015 at 12:29 pm #398245
yep just the same as the guy i was with.
when he cheated on me he told me that he did it because he thought i was leaving him or that i would find someone else. but then the truth is that he is a womaniser and was always putting his guilt on me. a week after i found out he cheated he asked me to move in!!!
just the same as your guy kept talking about pregnancy.
he’s not worth your tears or time.
I hope you feel better soon and remember you are not alone :-)