Ask a Guy: When a Guy is Jealous… post image

Ask a Guy: When a Guy is Jealous…


… (Previous page – Ask a Guy: When a Guy is Jealous…) a girl shows absolutely no signs of jealousy or concern about me (speaking from my own experience here – really, this would apply to men and women).

In my own dating life, every time that a girl has shown no sign of jealousy and seemed totally unconcerned with what I was doing at all times, it’s been because she was dating at least one other guy at the time.  So this would be a definite context where I would say some signs of jealousy are a good sign from the person I’m seeing (granted, I’m talking about the beginning of a relationship with someone here).

In the end, life forces all of us to make peace with our jealousy issues…

What I ultimately needed to realize was that controlling someone else is an illusion. You can’t monitor another person 24/7 and if keeping them interested in you means having to put in a ton of energy, well… it’s not going to last. Sooner or later, you’ll run out of energy and they’ll run off with someone else.

Whether you’re a jealous man or a jealous woman, eventually we realize that no amount of jealousy will ever help a situation. Whether you’re only a tiny bit jealous or the most jealous person in the world, sooner or later you’ll see that jealousy is just an energy-suck. It serves no one and only causes problems.

In relationships, all we really have is our day-to-day moments with the other person. If we choose to focus on good, positive and fun things, our relationship will take on that energy. If we choose to focus on being judgmental, hostile, or controlling towards our partner, our relationship will quickly take on a very bad vibe.

The only power we really have in a relationship is to aim for things to be as good as possible: being happy when the situation is good, and compassionate when the situation is bad.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

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Wendy

Hi I’m asking this question to see if I’m just being overly sensitive or if my boyfriend was really trying to make me jealous for some strange reason. Ever see the commercial, the Axe commercial where the guy is chocolate after he sprays on the Axe Cologne and all the women are taking a piece of him and wanting him? …well he sent me link that out of the blue and said he just thought it was a funny commercial. I didn’t exactly see it that way and didn’t exactly understand why he would even send that to me. All it did was stir up questions in my head. Am I being too sensitive or was he insensitive to send this to me?
When I asked him how he would feel if I would have sent him if it were a woman in the commercial instead of a guy, he said it would be totally wrong as guys shouldn’t be grabbing women although that’s exactly what the women are doing to the ‘chocoate man’ in this commercial. Maybe I’m working, maybe I’m being too sensitive but I never would have sent something like this to him to give him any kind of a message.
Thank you for your input. I know this is petty but he does this things like this a lot and keeps telling me it’s all in my head and I’m starting to think that maybe is just him being very insensitive.

Reply November 2, 2018, 8:28 am

Vincenza Scazzi

I need some help here. I have two amazing male friends who work abroad. I talk with one of them regularly, you can say that we are buddies, but that’s it. The second friend has met me a few times for drinks and a concert. Phoned me to ask me what perfume I like and turned up with a bottle of wine. He also invited me to go on holiday with his friends, which I never commented on. What do you think? Oh, he often asks me if I have spoke to the other friend, its like he is jealous.

Reply July 23, 2018, 8:49 am

CC Coleman

I was obsessed with a woman that sent mixed signals. She was on and off again with a (ex)husband. She tried to be near me all the time when she was off her relationship but never indicated she was wanting something. Then she would get back with her on and off partner and rub him in my face. I ignored her and this made her crazy but never openly indicated what she wanted or did not want. Finally I avoided her all together. This made her more clingy. Then she went to touching my hands, rubbing my back, doing other things. She even had friends tell me how happy she was with her husband; over and over again. She had hurt me so I decided to end it. I told her I did not appreciate it and I wanted her to stay away from me, not to look at me, not to talk to me. When I told her this she whispered “No”. I took this as another twisted mind game. The next time she acted out I verbally attacked her. I told her to crawl back to her husband, that I knew her husband was abusive and I thought she liked that kind of thing, I told her she deserved him, that she deserved his drug use and drunken ways. She was horrified that I told her the truth. I was hurt and I wanted to be rid of her. A week or two later she moved. If she had been open about what she either wanted or not wanted everything would have been fine. I really hate her now and I once really loved her. She has suffered by her own decisions and I kind of like it. She made me hate her.

Reply June 20, 2018, 2:42 am

shelby

Okay so maybe you an give me some advice i want to be in a relationship but iv been single or in short relationships that my mind is like in that single mode.
Pretty much even though im interested in someone ill convince my self im better of with someone else .opinions issues anything
Thank you.

Reply October 30, 2015, 8:59 am

Sharon

Eric, no doubt one of the best articles you have written! I learned a lot..

Reply October 29, 2015, 11:23 pm

Eric Charles

Thank you, I’m glad you liked it.

Reply October 29, 2015, 11:39 pm

Vicki

This is one of the best written articles I have ever seen on a dating advice site.

Reply October 29, 2015, 8:43 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot – I appreciate that.

Reply October 29, 2015, 9:06 pm

Eric Charles

No problem – I will clarify.

First, in my writing I explain that it’s the best strategy to be single and looking until a guy clearly and unambiguously locks you down in a relationship where you are both on the same page.

That doesn’t necessarily mean date different guys – it *can* mean that… but it doesn’t. The strategic power actually comes from you not acting like you’re locked down until you are… it’s a mindset.

I’m not sure where you think I say that I don’t think it’s right if the girl I’m seeing is seeing other guys. It actually did “work” on me, so to speak… it was only a problem when her actual boyfriend (who I didn’t know existed) showed up in the middle of the night while I was in her bed. That was a situation and that would be a situation to be avoided.

She wasn’t my girlfriend – she didn’t owe me anything and she wasn’t breaking any promises to me. Even with everything I understand about relationship dynamics, I still did “chase” her until I realized the situation – the particular girl I’m thinking of wasn’t going to leave her boyfriend for me so that was that.

Anyway… I’m kind of off on a tangent, but I hope that helps explain things…

Reply April 12, 2013, 9:22 pm

Cheeky Mary

Dating several men may include kissing them but it shouldn’t include sleeping with them. Until a man is exclusive with you, then you are free to do what you want (but a respectful girl wouldn’t be sleeping around if she wanted a long term relationship). Once he claims you (that sounds so caveman but oh so hot) then you eliminate all the other men and get exclusive with him (including sleeping with him).

Eric hates when we say this but dont sleep with a man until you’re exclusive. He is the gateway to a relationship and you are the gateway to sex….he wants the challenge, dont disappoint him like many women these days are doing.

xoxox

Reply April 15, 2013, 8:12 pm

Eric Charles

Hmmm… that would be an inaccurate way to describe my stance (regarding your second paragraph).

An accurate way to describe my stance what you recommend is: I think it’s bad advice.

Reply April 15, 2013, 11:33 pm

Katt

Great article! If I’d known this when I was 21, I’ve have avoided wasting 5 years with a controlling, manipulative, lying, cheating ex. He was very jealous of me in waves – checked my accounts (email/FB), my phone, had me FOLLOWED a couple times, pushed me to act in ways that just aren’t ME (mostly dressing extra provocatively) because he liked the attention I got, but he was still paranoid I’d cheat on him. I found out after finding my self confidence and self-worth and leaving him that he’d cheated on me off and on throughout the relationship. And all the times he got super jealous over me were around times when he was cheating on me.

Not saying that someone who is paranoid you’re going to cheat is cheating themselves (especially if you know they were cheated on in the past since that is just as likely a cause of excessive jealousy in the next relationship), but it’s definitely something that would cross my mind.

I would never tolerate that from a guy these days. A little jealousy is normal and healthy, and can be a sign that a guy genuinely has feelings for you, but when a man starts trying to monitor you and tries to force you to change the way you act/dress/etc – that’s a line that should not be crossed (and that goes for women doing the same to men as well). A well-adjusted adult should be able to control their reactions to their emotions, and recognize if something is becoming an over-reaction.

Reply April 12, 2013, 2:27 pm

Eric Charles

Good comment – thanks for that.

Reply April 12, 2013, 9:10 pm

sophia

Oh, bumer! I am a jelous person myself. I really have to work on that! =/

thnk u, Eric for the insight! :)

Reply April 11, 2013, 6:50 pm

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