Ask a Guy: How Can I Express What I Need Without Sounding Needy? post image

Ask a Guy: How Can I Express What I Need Without Sounding Needy?

My boyfriend and I are currently in a long distance relationship and my issue, whether we are together or apart, is that I don’t know how to express what I need from him in a way that doesn’t come across as being needy. For example, I need more contact than he is giving me, like a regular phone call once a week and a few more texts than he sends.

His work and my work make it difficult but it is not impossible. How do I tell him that without contact the connection between us fades for me and makes me feel unloved even though in reality I know he loves me very much? I just want to be able to tell him what I want without sounding needy. Is this possible? 

First, it’s important to remember that neediness is a state of mind where you need something from another person or you won’t be OK.

You asked, “How do I ask him for what I NEED without sounding NEEDY?”  That’s like one of those Chinese proverbs, “If a tree falls in the woods…”

The answer is to STOP believing that you need things from him, first and foremost. You don’t need him to do anything. You won’t stop breathing. You won’t starve. You won’t die.

You’ll be disappointed or hurt maybe, but my point is that when you say you need something, it’s a sign that you’re blowing the importance of individual behaviors way out of proportion.  And in response to you blowing it out of proportion, you work yourself into an emotional lather… which causes you to do things which will push him away.

For example, if you believe you need him to text you back within 30 minutes and he doesn’t, you might start worrying.  And for every minute that goes by, you feel a growing sense of worry… which becomes fear… which becomes agony.

Then you start creating paranoid scenarios in your mind:  What if he’s with that girl he mentioned started working at his job?  What if he met someone new?  What if he’s cheating on me?  What if he stopped caring?

Meanwhile, for all you know, he could be driving someone to the hospital.  He could be on an important phone call.  He could simply just be busy or not looking at his phone at the moment.

But in your mind, you’re fearing for the worst and now you feel you need to reassurance to prove that he cares about you.

And hey, that can happen sometimes… but when you let it get out of hand, it starts to becoming tiring on the guy when he feels he needs to prove to you that he cares.  And then he starts to wonder why you doubt that he cares, which inevitably leads to a downward spiral (which I’ve explained many times before in other articles and in the newsletter e-mail list…)

Long distance relationships are extremely hard. I know people hate when I say this, but my motto is: Long distance kills relationships. Period.

Once someone feels like they’re chasing a relationship or that it’s heading downhill and it’s long-distance, it typically means the end is near 99.99% of the time.

In terms of him not calling or texting, the best way to convey that you would like to hear from him more often is to praise him when he does things you like. For instance, saying something like “I love it when you call, it’s always so great to hear from you” rather than “Why don’t you ever call?! This isn’t fair to me!”

It may seem counter-intuitive, but when you point out what a guy is doing wrong, it will only make him less likely to do anything at all.  It becomes a point of contention or resentment.

Tell him what he’s doing right and he will do it more often to keep the praise coming his way.  Guys want to feel like they’re winning – let him know when he’s “victorious” in making you happy.

Overall, the best thing you can do is stop thinking you need things and recognize that it’s just something you’d like, but that if it’s not happening you can live with it. And that you have plenty of other options to make you happy – keep your whole life happy and fulfilling, don’t put that burden only on your relationship.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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So your response to someone asking how to communicate a need/concern with her partner is to tell her that it’s not a real concern because she won’t die or starve to death if it doesn’t happen, then tell her not to communicate it? That is super toxic.

Reply March 28, 2023, 10:16 am

Eric Charles

No, my response was the entire article.
Your comment frames it like my answer lacked compassion or treated her question as invalid. Not the case.
When it comes to relationship struggles, most people feel the answer starts with what they should do or say to the other person to make them change, so they do what the other person wants.
The question is, where is this desire to change them coming from?
In this case, it’s coming from fear. And again, I have compassion for that, I understand why a person might have fears.
What I’m pointing out in my reply is that if fear is in the driver’s seat, it often generates actions that are counterproductive.
Whereas if the person calms down their internal state and brings themselves back to neutral, they can respond with a clear head.
Nothing about that is toxic. It’s healthy. I would recommend the same advice to a guy in that situation: Check inside first and bring yourself back to a neutral “OK” state.
That way, he’s not pulling his girlfriend into his own emotional drama and saddling her with the responsibility to make him feel OK again.
That would be “toxic”.
Hope that clarifies.

Reply March 28, 2023, 11:30 am


Thank you for spelling out neediness, which is the fundamental issue to treat, before anything else. I was not as aware what the state of neediness is, until I read how much you dissect it in not just one but a number of your articles.

Reply April 19, 2019, 10:04 am

Eric Charles

Of course, I’m glad you’ve liked it. There are a lot of people that talk about neediness and say not to be needy, but they never take the time to concretely define exactly what it is and why it works against you getting what you really want. Thank you for the comment.

Reply April 25, 2019, 9:43 pm


Hi Eric
I have actually started to do a lot of things that you talk about and it’s working. I have a long distance relationship and instead of losing myself in it, I’ve pulled back. I see him moving forward. I changed his ring tone to everyone else’s so I’m note behaving like Pavlov’s dog, and I’m not running him down. He knows I’m here for him and I tell him how happy it makes me when he does something I like. He’s a workaholic and he’s loves what he does. He a business owner and I’m his biggest cheerleader. But I’m done with all the mushy morning texts that get me worked up. I know that he’s noticed they’ve stopped because he’s sending them to me. No proposal yet but we’ll see. I’m not putting demands on him and I know when enough is enough. Right now we’re in a sweet place until I relocate next year. Thank you!

Reply July 19, 2018, 6:21 am


Is it possible for someone to inspire neediness in you? That may sound strange but with the majority of the guys I’ve dated, it has been all good, I could take it or leave it. But there have been a couple of men here and there where I felt insecure for some reason. I don’t know if it was because the guy seemed critical or what. I usually run the other way when I react that way to a guy. I don’t feel like I’m needy in general, but I’m curious about if it is possible to feel needy around some men and not others.

Reply January 11, 2018, 8:17 am


Great question well stated! I’m in the same boat – long distance relationship. It’s not the ideal situation, and presents some challenges, but we can’t help who we love. I wrestle with this question from time to time with my BF. I love him and I know he loves me, and he says so regularly, but lately he’s less attentive than he used to be. I know from my own relationships, from friends and from reading online, one thing is very common – women wanting more attention and men giving less of it over time … while still loving each other. This is very perplexing to women because when we are in love, we have a natural desire to want to do things for and with our man. To us, showing your love regularly is simply what you do. The more we want him, the more we want to spend time with him. So when men don’t – or what’s most confusing to us, when they DID shower us with a lot of attention then back off – we feel like they love us less. It’s because his behavior changes that we get upset. It’s not like his a neanderthal and simply doesn’t know how to show his love – he clearly does since he did so much of it early on.

Eric makes a great point here – not to blow it out of proportion. When I first read that I had the typical female gut reaction — another man patronizing us for being “emotional.” But I want to urge women not to have that reaction. That’s not what he’s saying. He’s advising us to put it in perspective. I love the advice of not seeing it as a “need” – rather as something you’d like. This helps me a lot. I admit I have been seeing certain things as “needs” such as more contact. Women do talk about these things in such a way – “I require x in my relationship.” But the older I get, the more I learn that it’s all a give and take. And we have to be open to recognizing ways that a man shows his love that may not be the ways we think we require. This concept makes me realize that my reaction doesn’t have to be hurt or being upset – but simply to express what I like.

A woman giving positive feedback for things she likes is important. But I have to tell you Eric, it doesn’t always lead to more of the same from the man. I wish that it was that easy. Men can be very appreciative and then rolls along business as usual. Also, it’s hard to praise him for something if he isn’t doing it very often.

Obviously when you’re in a long distance relationship, there are a lot of challenges such as “being together.” One thing I do with my BF is multi-player video games. It’s a great way to spend time together and have fun and chat at the same time. The more fun you have together, the happier you will be in your relationship.

My question to you Eric: Can a woman just ask for something specific like “Can we make a plan to talk on the phone once a week?” When I put that in words it almost sounds juvenile, but my brain runs the gamut on something like this – Will he feel pinned down? Do men hate such planned routine? Does that seem too needy? But it’s something I really want – regular contact. For me, knowing that we will be talking, say at the end of the week, keeps me reassured during the times we don’t talk. It gives us something to look forward to. One of the hardest parts of relationships for women in wondering whether you can ask for what you want or whether it’s going to be a turn-off. And the other side of that is – isn’t this a partnership? We shouldn’t have to tap dance around what a man wants or feels and put ourselves second all the time. Some of us really wrestle with this. I was raised by parents who believed that asking for what you wanted was selfish and you don’t want to be selfish. So I’ve never learned how to ask for what I want with a man. So I usually don’t, which turns into resentment and…we know the rest of that story. I’m always thinking, “What’s he going to think?” or “Am I going to turn him off?” Which is kinda of crazy. I should just be able to say what I want.

Reply November 14, 2016, 10:29 am


I feel like I’ve been bothering my boyfriend a lot for the past few days. He gets quiet and seems to be mad all the time, and I can’t figure out why. I try talking to him, but he keeps telling me everything is fine. It makes me sad that I feel like I’m bothering him, and I tend to just leave him alone for a little while in case he would like some space. We just moved in together in another state, but he doesn’t seem all that excited about it and makes me think he’s regretting it. I have no idea what to do. Please help?

Reply October 6, 2016, 3:11 am

Anita Laughlin

My man is in love with another woman and I know it. But I don’t want to leave him, because the other woman will have him. He has put me and my son out of his house and moved the other woman in.. When she left him, I went back. We discussed marriage and was engaged but never made it. As long as he is taking care of home, I don’t care. I know he loves me, but I also know he love the other woman too. Its not only affecting me, its affecting my son. I rather be miserable with him, than him be happy with her. Help

Reply September 15, 2016, 5:47 pm


HI YALL. i have been with my man for 2 years and we have a 6 month old son and he has taken in my other son (his sperm donar never been around) i stopped working when i found out i was pregnant. I work on the side for income. So i am still independent as far as my personal finances. He is a man whos funds are far from low. He works when he wants he is his boss. When i became pregnant things changed fast. I know i am a good lookimg women. He knows as well. I have the body,hair,eyes sex appeal i keep a very clean home and cook a dang good meal. I like my wine and just enjoy our sons at home. It gets stressful and i dont go out much at all. I have been more negative amd stressed lately. I admit that but all around im a great women to him. When i started noticing the change he started not calling as much,staying out later, didnt answer,didnt.tell me much of anything,he is quick to snap,blames me for everything wrong,stopped communication stopped the gifts,stopped compliments,just stares at the tv when i speak,never admits hes wrong he threatens me,has hit me more than once the list goes on. I STILL LOVE THIS MAN I KNOW MAYBE STUPID. Anyways i bought a recorder and left it in his car a couple days and 3 days later i heard him telling his friend about just leaving from buying a prostitute off backpage. WHAT!! GROSS i immediately ran to him called him out slapped him and left. When i decided to come home i woke him and we fought for 24 hours straight. He claims he made it all up lol. He is wrong i then contacted the girl she admitted to sleeping with him and sent me the pics he sent to her. He still lies. I know the truth. HE CLEARLY CHEATED. Ok im still here with him. He promises to never hurt me again. (Aslo says hes not in love with me anymore and that my attitude and mouth makes me undesirable) i guess i just have faith in him. Should i not? He eventually cried when he saw how hurt( hes not cried in years) he has been great the past couple days and he is normally content at home for the most part and great father also hes home every night. This happened during the day. but i dont know if he will continue. I hope he does. Tell me your thoughts. Thanks for the help guys will he cheat again? Will he ever fall back in love? Is yhere anything i can do?

Reply August 8, 2016, 4:18 pm


Hi Eric, you said that if there’s something you want in a relationship and it’s not happening then recognize that you can live with it..I agree. You won’t die…but if you recognize it and be with it then isn’t it equal to accepting whatever behavior you’re getting?…Please clarify when one has to accept it as something one can “live with” and continue with the relationship… And when one has to decide that “this is less than what I deserve and I won’t settle for it” and break

Reply May 29, 2016, 2:43 am


Hey Eric I agree with you on the topic but I would like to know how can a woman get the man she loves to stop smoking

Reply April 18, 2016, 10:34 am



I feel the same way about semi-frequent contact, and I am one of the most secure, independent women you will ever meet. Women aren’t like men. We can’t just “turn on” at the flick of a switch like men can. We need regular contact to keep the connection alive. If that connection cools off, the guy starts to feel like a stranger to us. The longer we go without the connection we NEED to feel sexual, the more like a stranger the guy starts to feel like. Most women can’t jump into bed with a stranger, or even let him touch or kiss us. We’re not “frigid”. It’s the way WE’RE wired. Which is why after a clean breakup, after any length of time has passed, that first kiss feels so awkward. Yes, we may have known the guy for sometime, but to our psyche, without that intimate connection, he still feels like a stranger to us.

You have to stop being so hard headed about what men want and don’t want and start meeting us halfway if you want to be successful here. Educating us on a man’s PREFERENCES is one thing, but telling us to abandon, stuff down, or outright disregard our own needs is never going to work. Women’s needs DO matter, and relationships are a two-way street, (or they aren’t much of a relationship at all). If a woman is acting “needy” (and I hate this term because it has become a generic, blaming, EXCUSE for men to be selfish in a relationship), it’s because her basic needs aren’t being met to allow her to feel secure in a relationship of EQUALS. It’s a cry for attention (so to speak) from her emotional center, to bring things back into balance. I mean is it REALLY so hard, and so much to ask for a guy to take a few minutes out of a day to check in, in the name of relationship maintenence? If it is, the woman in question and the relationship doesn’t have much value to him.

Reply January 11, 2016, 6:55 am


I REALLY like what you wrote! I’ve been reading articles here on this site trying to figure out how to deal with my situation. I also feel like all the advice leans towards what the man WANTS and NEEDS and how the woman is supposed to just understand that, go “fill herself up” with other experiences AND talk to other men, etc. Well, how about the age old when a girl falls in love, no other man will do???? How does one deal with that?? I’ve been talking with a man who lives in Florida (I live in NJ) for over 4 years. In that 4 year period, I’ve seen him for 5 days and 5 days only. When I’ve asked in the past when he plans on coming to visit, he actually gets a little snotty depending on his mood and what he had to deal with during the day. It puts me on off guard when it happens because we’re supposed to love each and want to spend out lives together so I get confused, hurt and angry with his constant putting me off. He’s a bit older than me so his first thing was that he HAS to be the one to see me first before I can plan to go see him!! This his “old fashioned” belief that the man is the one who pursues the woman, etc. I don’t mind that, in fact I think it’s rather sweet BUT when does HE make the plan to come???? Over the past 4 years he’s asked me to wait for a number of life events before he could come see me. Why? I don’t really know. These life events included: attempting to “reinitiate” divorce proceedings with his ex because she was bugging him about coming back (which to me was a non-ending event as she still calls to this day although he never answers or calls back); then he was too busy at work, which turned out to be him freaked out about our age difference. We had been emailing such wonderful things back and forth and chatting periodically throughout the day. Then, when he freaked out, he stopped all of it. When I asked why, he said that he was simply busy. He just recently told me about this. The next thing, and this totally was not his fault, he was diagnosed with prostrate cancer! I waited through the 2.5 year treatment period with him saying all the while, As soon as the cancer is gone, I’m going to come see you! The cancer was fixed but I still didn’t see him because he now wanted to wait until he retired! He’s been retired now since August 2016 and the very first time he came, it was right after I had my hip replacement surgery. While I loved having him with me, I couldn’t do anything because of all the pain so I’ve actually thought since that maybe the reason he didn’t mind coming then was because I was technically “safe”. I know that I HAVE to consider one of the side effects of the prostrate treatment was erectile dysfunction so he’s been struggling with that. The annoying part of this is that he has ways to fix the ED but he’s sporadic at doing it that it makes me feel like it’s not important to him. There are many things he’s said and done to lead me to believe that he cares or even loves me but I’m not entirely sure it’s on the same level as my love for him! Bottom line is that I HORRENDOUSLY tired of waiting. I’m not a big dater and I haven’t had many romantic moments with men…especially before him so the idea of just cutting him out of my life doesn’t sit well with me. I have been a little successful with shutting off the part of my brain that says ROMANTIC LOVE with him and have started, unwillingly, to view him as just a friend only and be good with it. I’ve noticed my mood brighten a little but not too much yet. Anyway, we still talk, he still tells me how wonderful I am, etc., and I feel WONDERFUL when we’re talking but when I hang up, I feel so empty and lonely inside. He’s not a texter so I don’t even have that to fall back on. Since he’s been retired, he’s busied himself with chores around the house, bought himself a new motorcycle and a boat and takes both of them out at least once or twice a day. That’s wonderful for him but all I get to do is go to work, go home, talk with him, go to bed, then go back to work. It hurts that he’s doing all of these things without me and it doesn’t even seem like he minds at all. I can’t help but think that the old “out of sight, out of mind” thing is happening here all the damn time!! All I know is that I’ve gotten a bit harder, my heart has closed up some, and I’m really tired of being put second to everything else!! I don’t hate him…yet, and I don’t want to so I guess I’ll just look at him as nothing more than a friend. Thanks for reading!

Reply September 19, 2017, 11:40 am


Hi Eric,
Around 3 months ago i bumped into an old flame,(the local pub that niether one of us had gone to in a very long time) she approached me and brought up a message I’d sent her the last time we spoke.

(around a year and a half ago)

And we’ve been speaking every day since,we even took part in a tough mudder type race together. she told me she likes me and she knows i like her.
But everytime i mention meeting up it never happens or she says she’s too busy!

(She does have her own business that she runs from home and an 8yr old son)and she always tells me not to get down hearted about not seeing her as it wont be that way forever…

but she always has time to see friends (Male and female) and family which live down the road from me…but never has free time to see me…ive even tried organising a date in advance but turns out she was busy then too.

The last time we saw each other was on Halloween, we slept together and BOTH had a great time(we broke my bed in the process) she stayed for a few hours in the morning cuddled in bed talking then she left… we still talk every day.

I guess my question is.
What can i do or what can i say to her to actually get to see her without sounding really pushy.

Reply November 28, 2015, 7:15 pm


hi, i have a question like others ive read im facing the issue of my fiance not texting me much or texting me back. weve recently had conversations about me not texting as much as he felt sufficated so i have backed off however i feel he gets what he wants and i dont i need him to suport me and care and love me always and text me for reasurance but i dont wanna be needy but i cant help it i love him and i wanna talk to hi all the time but he wont. but he used too.. i dont know how to get him to think of me more and want to text me more any advice on how i can get him to want to talk to me? i do so much for him and i feel like the least he could do is text me every so often but maybe im asking to much?? i dont have much of a social life due to my current situations but he does and it means he ends up more focused on that than me, am i being selfish? i just wanna feel like he loves me as much as i love him and i want him to wanna talk to me and want him to crave me like he used too.

Reply November 17, 2015, 2:27 pm


Hey everyone!!! I just wanted to say that Eric Charles stuff really does work. I started dating a gu three months ago. I used all of the tips I had used in these articles on this website. I made sure I dated several guys at the same time, did not freak out if one didn’t text back right away, made myself confident and desirable, but also whenever he needed me I was there for him to support him emotionally. He made things official after a month of dating!!! Two months into the relationship, he said I love you!!! He calls me multiple times every day. We see each other at least once a week. He’s crazy about me. This stuff really works. It’s not that the women have to put all the work in. It’s just that men are different than women. So if you be there whenever he needs you and become his muse, or that one girl he can always rely on, you never have to worry about him not calling or texting ever again. He will love you just for being there and being yourself. I know that my relationship is quite new and that there’s a lot that can still go wrong, but I will definitely be faithfully reading Eric Charles articles and emails so I can keep this relationship for a long time.

Reply November 16, 2015, 8:34 am


I don’t know, I’ve read quite a few of your articles over the last few weeks, and while they make some sense on a side I haven’t considered, I see a theme emerging. Especially with this article. You didn’t answer her question which was basically “what’s the right way to ask for what I need?” Basically, you told her not to need anything, and she “shouldn’t” if she’s happy with herself. Yeah, that’s just a warmed-over version of an emotionally cold and selfish guy telling a woman “not to have any expectations”. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, that’s just a bull**** excuse for a man to act as badly or carelessly as he wants, and not have to hear about it. I’m not talking about incessant nagging or pathological neediness here. Her needs matter, and it’s absolutely correct, when there isn’t regular contact (a few texts or a short conversation will do when he doesn’t have free time to get together) a woman’s feelings will cool off. I can’t react physically with my guy with as much enthusiasm as I would normally like to,when he feels like a stranger to me. The guy needs to make some effort to keep the connection warm. That’s all she’s asking for. It’s not needy, and it’s not a lot, or even unreasonable to ask for. She NEEDS this basic need met to keep her feelings from detaching and sliding backwards. You seem to like to give yourself and all guys a convenient excuse to not be an equal partner in the care and feeding of a relationship by labeling a woman as the dreaded “needy” if she even so much as mentions what is important to her emotional well being. You like to underscore how men have physical needs, well women have emotional needs, and because you don’t or yours are different or aren’t as strong, doesn’t make hers unworthy of consideration or “wrong”. That seems to be the message you are sending here and it seems awful self-serving to me.

Reply July 29, 2015, 1:37 am


Well said! Nicely put LAM. I was thinking the same thing. You sound like a very fair-minded, logical, mature person.

Reply August 27, 2015, 8:13 pm

Eric Charles

Maybe but she totally misinterpreted my article… I don’t disagree with the sentiment of what she’s saying, but I think she got the impression that I’m pushing something I’m not.

Hopefully my very long and rambling comment helped clarify a bit…

Reply August 28, 2015, 12:59 pm

Eric Charles

You see this as a “bull**** excuse for a man to act as badly or carelessly as he wants”…

Who’s forcing you to be in a relationship with a guy who acts badly and carelessly?

From what you wrote, it gave me an impression that you think I’m siding with men (moreover, siding with men who act carelessly and badly)…

I’m not “siding” with women or men… I’m siding with what will lead to a good relationship and happiness for everyone involved.

Being in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t care to put in any effort isn’t something I’m advocating putting up with… but I’m also not advocating blaming the guy as withholding something you need.

You don’t like the relationship as it is? You can try to invite the person to change, but you can’t control their emotions, reactions or actions, ultimately… so while you can try, you have to remember that ultimately nobody can control another person.

You can invite them to change, but ultimately you can’t make them. So if you really feel you don’t have the relationship you want and you’ve done all you know how to improve the quality of your relationship, then it’s important to remember that you choose to be in the relationship.

Every morning that you wake up, you choose to be with him…

I’m reminding you of this because it’s important to remember that you hold the power. You hold the choice. If you are no longer satisfied with your relationship, you have the option to leave.

At the same time, if you don’t want to leave, it makes no sense to hurl blame, accusations, expectations, etc. at the person you’re with to beat them into submission and meet your demands. People get defensive when they feel like you’re trying to make them do something… it’s just an ineffective way to deal with people.

If you want to have a great relationship, show up whole, happy and at peace in your life. Don’t look to another person to fulfill you. When you can show up from that place, you can give freely without needing something back… and because of this, all of your actions and communication will have a sweetness that opens people up instead of shutting them down.

I know people throw the word “needs” around in relationships, but the idea of truly “needing” a person in a relationship (as I define it within my writing) is co-dependent, unhealthy and undesirable for both people involved. I can tell you that within my writing, I’m consistent in my description of what I’m talking about when I say “need” in the context of “neediness” or relationship.

As I define it, neediness is a mindset where one person believes they need someone else to act, respond, communicate, etc. a certain way or else they cannot be happy.

That’s a pretty poisonous mindset to have in a relationship since it ends up holding the other person captive to either meet their partners demands or deal with their retaliation for not meeting their demands (which that needy partner feels justified in doling out because they didn’t get what they “need”).

Being that you can choose who you’re with, I recommend choosing a relationship who’s style of relationship is compatible with what you are looking for…

I don’t know how or why… but somehow society got convinced that relationships are supposed to be hard… and that to get a good relationship, you somehow arrive there by shoving a square peg through a round hole and *forcing* it to work.

I get that there are a lot of articles on the internet that talk about neediness… and they’re stupid and poorly written, with no deeper understanding of what a good working relationship is… so the discussion devolves into “Men should be doing THIS”, “no they shouldn’t, you should”, “no he should”, “no you should”…

I get it… but my articles aren’t that. I’m not looking to give men a pass on bad behavior… I’m looking to show people that if you’re reading articles from the perspective that there’s such thing as bad behavior from men, you’re coming from an unhelpful perspective…

There are plenty of a**holes out in the world… and guess what? I don’t spend time with them. I don’t talk to them. I don’t think about them.

Same for your relationship — pick a guy that “works” with you. 99.99% other men in the world could be total a**holes, but you don’t have to think about them, be in a relationship with them, etc.

Find a guy that works with you… and have a great relationship with him. I assume that to be a start point… you’re writing as if I’m telling you that I’m advocating a woman being with a sh**ty guy. I wouldn’t want that for any of the women in my family, and I don’t want that for you.

Hope that clarifies — I do appreciate your comment, I’m glad you wrote it, but I think we weren’t quite on the same page when you wrote it… hopefully my long rambling comments here helped somewhat (haven’t had coffee yet). :)

Reply August 28, 2015, 12:58 pm


Eric- all women need communication in a relationship. If they are playing cool or not getting that from a man and being “fulfilled with their own happiness” and not brining it up and letting the man know they need that, they’re either lying or accepting settling. All women need that, bottom line. All men need sex in a relationship. Does that make men needy?
She’s asking how to bring up he desires in a relationship with a man. Countless married women in successful relationships have had a convo with a man like this. You teach men how to treat you and she’s asking for ways to have a conversation without blaming him for anything r sounding naggy. Relationships take work and communication.

Reply October 12, 2015, 9:59 am

Eric Charles

Brooke – one of the key issues we have in modern society is that people have been conned into believing that their relationship partner is the end-all be-all “missing piece” that will make them whole and make them happy.

Most people buy into that idea hook-line-and-sinker and enter into relationships as a broken, unfulfilled person thinking that the other person’s role is to fill their gaps and meet all their “needs”.

Here’s the problem with that paradigm…

In most cases, both people are showing up broken and unfulfilled. So the relationship quickly takes on a tone of each person feeling unfulfilled and wrong by the other person.

I’m not saying that communication isn’t a great and valuable thing in a relationship. I’m not saying that a good relationship doesn’t have two people doing things for one another in the interest of making the other person feel good, seen, fulfilled, etc.

What I’m saying is that what people really NEED in relationships is to learn personal emotional responsibility and make the fulfillment of their wants and desires their OWN responsibility instead of burdening the other person with it.

I have never said not to communicate to the other person what you want. Clearly telling your relationship partner what you value in a relationship and what you want is an incredibly important in getting what you want. I don’t call it a NEED though.

People throw the word NEED around a lot in a relationship. People need food, water and oxygen.

I think if you went to a third-world country and talked about your relationship “needs”, they would want to spit with anger about how spoiled this modern day culture is with their sense of entitlement and how carelessly they toss around the word “need”.

Men don’t NEED sex, they want it… and if the person they’re with won’t or can’t give it to them, they’ll get it somewhere else.

Women don’t NEED communication, they want it… and if the person they’re with won’t or can’t give it to them, they’ll get it somewhere else.

The word “need” getting thrown around just sounds so bratty and spoiled…

That said, would I personally stay in a relationship with bad communication? No, absolutely not… and I’m a guy.

Why? Because there are so, so, SO many choices out there… why would I waste my time trying to shove a square peg through a round hole?

I would try my best for a limited window of time, but I wouldn’t whine and pout that the other person isn’t giving me what I “need”, like a cruel person withholding an oxygen mask while I’m suffocating under water.

No, I would tell them what I want and value in a relationship and I would work with them to meet what I want (and do my best to give them what they want to), but if it’s not working after a strong, sustained, ongoing effort, that’s when I would throw in the towel and move on.

Nowhere in any of that does whining about someone not meeting what I “need” come up — we are all much stronger than most people act in this modern society.

Reply October 12, 2015, 11:18 am


Men in a third world country would spit with anger because they do not and will not ever see women as equals. Women are livestock to them. Their only value is as breeders and unpaid domestic servants. That is why men from a third world country will tell you women are entitled to nothing.

January 11, 2016, 7:12 am


Agree 100% Needing something to be happy in a relationship is not neediness. Men need sex to have a fulfilling and happy relationship, on average they need it more than women. Women need communication to feel happy and fulfilled in a relationship, on average we need it more than men. When a partner isn’t getting what they Need in a relationship they communicate to each other. If both parties can’t meet half way, then you move on. You’re right, completely. Men and women both have to work at it. We’re different it takes time and sacarfice. His reply below still does not address your comment. Eric she’s not trying to beat anyone to submission.

Yes women need things in a relationship and so do men and look at any healthy relationship and the couple will to you tell they communicate each other’s needs in order to make it work.

Reply October 12, 2015, 10:09 am


No, men don’t need sex. We’re tired of being manipulated by sex, so we’ve developed substitutes. You keep thinking that your vagina gets you out of responsibility to be a loving partner, and see how far that gets you these days.

Reply October 19, 2015, 12:48 am


Eric I have a question for you. The Guy that I have been talking to for a couple months pretty much like my bf pays me no attention at all. I’m not saying I need attention but communication is key for me. But I have told him like I really want to talk more or have a consistent conversation with you over text for at least 30minutes out of my day or else I’m leaving. Because its a long distance relationship. And he STILL doesn’t hit me up. He text me good morning and then doesn’t text me back until that afternoon and then doesn’t text me back till that night. We exchange a couple text messages and then he doesn’t reply. Now within those text messages he’s amazing! I love talking to him.! Its just I told him my standards and he hasn’t made any effort to meet them. But Besides the day after I told him I was going to leave if things didn’t change when we do talk he’s everything I’ve ever wanted.. But I refuse to sit here and chase someone who I’m not in a relationship with but he claims he loves me and I’m his forever.. I just don’t want to be throwing away a good guy just because I want to talk alot. Please help!

Reply April 25, 2015, 11:45 am


Hey Eric, I wanted to send this message to the guy I’m currently dating. I would like your feedback on it and please let me know if should change anything. I’m sure it needs help.

“I hope you are doing well, and you’re happy with your new job. The reason I’m writing this message to you is to explain how I feel and put everything on the table I’m not blaming you for anything and nothing is your fault. I really like you and I respect you, that’s why I think its important to let you know how I’m feeling. In the past few days, and especially since last weekend I’ve been thinking of you and I. We chatted, we met, we shared a great connection. I felt close and opened up to you in a short period of time, and hoped you felt the same. In the past few days, however, I started feeling a distance between us. From decrease in communication, to decrease in the time we spent together, and may have felt a bit pushed away. I understand that you’re going through some stuff, and talking about them to me may not be easy for you. I wanted to be there for you, but nontheless, I respected your need for space.
To be honest, I was very confused when you sent me those sweet messages sunday evening and saying how you want this to work, then the following few days you were distant, and now, not replying to my texts, which contradicts what was was said.
I know what I want and what I deserve. I like you alot. I really wanted us to work, and I didn’t see a reason for us not to. But, I also know that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me just as much. Someone who is willing to put in to this as much as I am willing to put in. And at the moment, I’m sorry to say I’m not feeling that. and I feel that part of the reason has to do with your past. Not just the family moving in or the new job and work. On our first date I came to meet you with an open mind and heart. I have no feelings towards anyone from my past nor do I have any ties to them whatsoever. I know that you just recently got out of your relationship and I understand, but I can’t accept to just be a rebound or provide a distraction whenever its convenient for you. I wanted us to work together towards strengthening what you and me had and see where it goes, and that might be difficult if you are still holding on to the past. I wanted you to also want more with me because you want ME in your life. I love my life and it would be even more awesome if you choose to be in it. But if you are still scared or not sure of what you want, or who you want I would rather know now so I can make the decision that’s best for me and my well being.I wouldn’t be sad if you tell me the truth and be open and honest with me about it.I truly want what’s best for you because you are an amazing human being, I respect you very much and I am honoured to have met you.”

Reply April 24, 2015, 9:03 am


Eric! I have committed to reading all of your blog posts. It’s so refreshing to hear this blunt perspective. Love it and thank you! ????

Reply April 6, 2015, 6:41 pm

Brenda Zamudio

I think women often confuse our desires (what we want/wish for) with
what we need. I don’t need a love interest to call me ten times a
day, but I enjoy sharing my daily life with that person that I am
interested in. I think that most women like reassurance, and when
we don’t immediately get it from a man, it throws us into a
tailspin! I agree that it’s not what you say but how you say it that
matters. Also, understand that most men don’t want to know about
every little aspect of your life, if you don’t get a call or text, it’s alright.
Just be the amazing, confident woman you are, claim that relationship
that you want, and leave those multiple conversations to your girlfriends.

Reply March 28, 2015, 6:21 am


Actually that did not answer her question at all. I have the same exact question, because I just started a new relationship and not getting enough communication which I think is really necessary in a LDR. I don’t want to bring it up without sounding “needy” especially since it is new. You basically told the woman who asked the question that she doesn’t “need” this communication. Who are you to determine what she needs? Yeah she won’t die, it’s an improper use of “need”, in reality it’s “really wants/likes/very important” to her for her LDR to last. I don’t really see how you can say it’s not important and that it shouldn’t be and she should basically get over it and not talk about it. That’s ridiculous. Horrible answer in my opinion.

Reply February 26, 2015, 2:18 pm

Eric Charles

Yeah — it’s not a need… and when you realize it’s a want, that realization can really bring a lot of relief in it of itself.

Beyond that… the issue isn’t really even an issue… her response to the problem she’s created in her mind is what’s creating the suffering. And when a person is suffering from their own self-created problem (stemming from their perspective), it brings down their mood… which brings down their vibe… and creates an actual problem when there really wasn’t one to begin with…

So yeah, I addressed the deeper problem… not the reflexive cycle of mental craving and relief that would just have indefinitely perpetuated had I not spoken to the core issue here… and that’s even more relevant in a LDR.

And as for me saying she doesn’t “need” the communication and who am I to tell her that? Umm… that’s just fact. I have yet to see someone drop dead from not getting a text…

There’s nothing wrong with communicating what you want to a partner… even a new partner… and if you want to do it effectively, the #1 most important factor is that you’re doing it from a foundation where you are stable and OK no matter what (versus upset, worried, afraid, angry, etc.)

When I answer something, it might not be the answer you want to hear. That’s not my aim — my aim is to give you what’s going to most quickly and effectively give you the result you really want: to have a great, effortless, awesome relationship and be OK along every step of the way.

Reply February 26, 2015, 2:34 pm


Hey Eric, just wanted to say that I think your advice rocks – and it’s so eerily true! I went on a couple of dates with a guy, then I texted him about something (I honestly can’t remember what), and then I didn’t hear from him for three weeks. 12 months ago, I would have demanded an answer to why he didn’t text me. Now, I just brushed it off and kept going. And lo and behold – last night, he texted me! I’m not sure if we’ll go out again, but it was a real boost knowing that if you just stop taking it all to heart, and don’t interpret a man’s lack of response as rejection, how much more fun dating is.

Girls, seriously, Eric is on the money. Stop all the drama, and just go with the flow You’ll be glad you did. ;)

Reply March 19, 2015, 4:53 am


Hey Jen, so, that’s great that him not texting you for 3 weeks didn’t bother you. I guess the two of you were not that close really; only just beginning to see one another, so this is normal in a casual “dating” type scenario. However, from an outside perspective, you asked him a direct question and he just completely ignored you for 3 weeks (?!?) — that to me just seems plain rude. It’s only the beginning, so your relationship, if it’s worth it, will either blossom and grow, or fade away. I just have to warn you though — don’t let him think that he can just come and go from your life as he pleases. That is NEVER satisfying unless you’ve got like 5 guys you’re juggling and they all do the same thing (then, it sort of works :-p).

Reply August 27, 2015, 8:27 pm


So what this guy is saying is that women shouldn’t speak up about what they want simply because men can not comprehend this and end up feeling blamed. This is the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. For example, you ask for a sandwich and the guy at the deli gets angry and avoidant because he thinks you’re blaming him
for your hunger. Soninstead, us women are supposed to keep quiet and try to condition the guy into doing it through praise. I’ll pass, thanks, and wait to meet a guy I can talk to honestly.

Reply January 12, 2015, 3:17 pm


I just found this website searching for pretty similar advice to what was in this article and ended reading a whole bunch of related “ask a guy” questions. Your advice is mostly sound and pretty mature. However, I can’t completely agree with what you answer here. I mean, yes, it IS true that you don’t really NEED anything and that most people need to stop stressing about the what ifs of their relationship so much; but it is also true that a good relationship requires give and take, some communication, and sometimes people really do need certain things to be able to deal with a relationship, particularly a long distance relationship. It is perfectly healthy to communicate your needs, wants and expectations, and it’s even more necessary when it comes to such an intense (and hard) commitment. You seem to be blowing off some very simple requests that she has to help her deal with the distance for no reason other than “he won’t like it”. While I’m sure that you might give this same advice were the genders reversed, it doesn’t seem fair that your advice is “if you’re unhappy with something your partner is doing, don’t tell him/her, because you’ll just push him/her away by letting them know something that they might not even realize.”
I don’t know, I might just be being a bit naive about this, but not communicating your boundaries in such a complicated situation seems to me to be the perfect recipe for disaster (sure, the other person might be perfectly happy, but the person who isn’t will slowly grow resentful over this issue because, if it isn’t addressed, it will most likely persist).
How is never telling someone that something they are doing is hurting good relationship advice?

Reply January 7, 2015, 5:18 pm


Dear Eric,
I have been with my boyfriend LDR almost six months now..he wants to ends the relationship even though its very hard for me to accept it and i still wants him to continued the realtionship with him coz i still love him..I tried to talk to him nicely and asked him to be with me again and i am always asking him whether he is still love me..but he never replied it…but one thing i dont understand when i said i missed him alot he will replied he missed me too. I am sick and tired chasing after him everytime i missed him like texting him but he seldoms replied it…he seems avoiding from me whenever i try to text him and give many reasons that he cant talk or replied my text cosz he was too busy with his new works…he actually got the job and the job makes him work for 12 hours every day with out any off day…and i felt have no time for him he always busy with his work..I try to forget him but i cant..i still keep on texting him eventhough i knew he wouldnt replied it..please help me how to stop from texting him…eventhough i am trying to make myself busy but still i remembered him..
He seems not to care about me what he cared his career and his friends.
Please help me how to over come this problem n also to know whether he still in love with me or not coz i dont understand actually what he really wanted in this realtionship…

Reply December 15, 2014, 2:43 am


I really enjoy reading your articles. I’m hoping you could give me some advice. I’ve been with my husband for 18 years and married for 15. We have one child together, and I have one from a previous relationship. My husband is a hard working man, but for years his work always came before everything. Always a argument to get him to go anywhere, so through the years I just went myself with the kids. This past year I find my feelings changing and he has noticed too. Now he is overwhelmingly up my butt, but the only reason I believe he is, is because I have feelings for someone else. He doesn’t know that for sure, because it’s just speculation. I really care for the other guy but he himself hasn’t been in a committed relationship with anyone for over years because of two really bad prior relationships. He has two daughters, one from each woman. He is absolutely a amazing Dad. I can’t figure him out he is so up and down with me. It seems like when we are together physically, he pulls away. My husband recently made trouble for him at his job. Since then he has pulled back significantly. I don’t blame him, but I find he still in and out of my life and I can’t cut him off. Is it he has been hurt so much before and doesn’t think I will leave for him. He said he is not going anywhere, but I need to settle what I have here first. If he says he is not going anywhere, why is he so distant to me?? I know it sounds like a no brainer, but to me it really so hard to figure out.Thank you. I look forward to your response.

Reply December 13, 2014, 4:19 pm


me and my boyfriend live together were together all the time but he never shows me love or affection and I’m getting to my breaking point where i can’t do it anymore but i love him and don’t want to leave like we barley even have conversation never shows me affection or love but claims to love me ” if i didn’t love you i wouldn’t be with you” thats what he always says and i have told him i do feel unloved at times and told him he doesn’t show me love or affection i just need some advise on what to do because like i said i do not want to break up with him but i might not have a choice I’m a female i have needs i need affection and attention once in a while… any suggestions?

Reply October 22, 2014, 7:39 pm


Alright so whenever I read an article about guys behaviour I always end up thinking that is just asinine and it actually really pisses me off lol.
I think needing something from your significant other is perfectly acceptable. There are things you NEED to do/have in a relationship for it to be happy and healthy. Though i’m not perfect and don’t have much relationship experience I’ve read enough to know that realtionships take a lot of work, and having to baby a man and having to praise him to get him to do something to make me feel appreciated or loved is just sad. I make sure to let my boyfriend know how much I appreciate him and love him when he’s doing stuff right, but I should be able to just be an adult and express my needs and get a little angry when i’m not being heard. I don’t think that’s unreasonable… If he can’t be told what you need from him and work to make it happen then why should you have to do the work of having to stifle yourself and not express your needs while he gets to get a gold star and a cookie for doing something he should just want to do on his own? Talk to his girlfriend? And since guys don’t work the same way we do we need to be able to express that while he may be fine with little contact, to feel connected we need more. I’m mostly getting from this that you have to manipulate your man to do things cause he’s a big baby and cant handle being asked to do a little work to keep us happy… which is what it takes to give someone what they need if it doesn’t come naturally.
You’re making it sound like having any needs makes us “needy” (which in the literal sense it does but thats not exactly what people mean when they say that). I think you focus too much on the neediness, rather than a way to express our needs (which we all have) without a guy jumping to “she’s needy”, I’ve been needy, I know the difference, and sometimes I do it without even thinking about it, and in the moment it doesn’t seem that way and then i’m like “wow how pathetic” later on. But I also have times where I can look back and think the way I behaved myself was perfectly reasonable, but I was still labled as needy. Though those are usually the times where the guy wasn’t all that into me so he just didn’t really like that I was talking to him when it wasn’t what he wanted. But those situations make me feel like I have to watch my every move and just can’t do what comes naturally because guys are so hung up on stupid crap like that.
Anyway my point is I really feel like her question was actually answered, and that a lot of crucial points were not made or discussed. Though I appreciate what you are trying to do here I find that its often lacking and its sad cause this is one of the sites that comes up most when i’m trying to find answers.

Reply October 17, 2014, 10:32 am


Was not* damnit

Reply October 17, 2014, 10:35 am


Thumbs up on that!

Reply December 16, 2014, 1:36 am


thank you so much for that, i believe that if you know your guy loves there is no need to wait for his phone call or text. i think what girls have to do is if he doesn’t call or text you also don’t have to because after a while he will surely do that and he will call you

Reply August 10, 2014, 7:02 pm


..feel so ashamed tho..wish I read this sooner

Reply July 26, 2014, 6:12 pm


Hi Eric,
I realize I’m v guilty of almost every fault u mentioned here. I’m in a LDR with my bf who I believe really loves me and since I didn’t hv a v active life I’ve been really needy. pls I need clues on how to redeem myself cos my boyfriend has kinda withdrawn..pls Help me

Reply July 26, 2014, 6:03 pm

Deepali Rathod

Thank u very much Eric Charles and Sabrina Alxes for helping and guiding on right part.
1 question is there how will come to know what the boy wants because he didnt tell and we have make out from face or expression.
Waiting for ur reply.

Reply July 19, 2014, 3:25 am


very much convincing and helped me to understand where I was going wrong :) thankyou so much

Reply July 16, 2014, 9:10 am

Vicki Saunders

My boyfriend has been under alot of stress from work health issues and two bestfriends who are moving out of state. Since then hes been more withdrawn from me and more snappy and critical of me and the kids. I dont know if hes just taking his frustrations out on me or if hes unhappy being with me. Ive told him to go if hes unhappy he asked why I was so eager to get rid of him. He was alot nicer after I said this to him.He also has very little interest in sex and dr says his teststorone levels are very low. I have trouble talking to him without it starting a fight. It is damaging my self esteem. I need advice is my reltionship fixable or is it doomed?

Reply June 30, 2014, 10:47 am


Hi Eric,

I love all the advice you give in these articles, they’ve really helped save my sanity a few times. So before I start off I just want to say thank you :)

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 months now. This is my first real relationship. In the beginning he was super affectionate and sweet and everything was great. Then he started pulling away and I’ve read your article about why men do this and it helped me understand some. I’ve talked to him about it and he said things like “I’m sorry beautiful” and “I know I need to try harder”. And after that conversation he did, for a few days, he’s kept the contacting me thing, but he’s no longer affectionate except for the occasional ????. Which, isn’t much at all. Now recently I went on vacation for 2 weeks without him to see my grandfather, who was sick and later died, and he never said he missed me, before I left he just gave me a quick side hug and went off with his friends, he never asked when I was coming back, and the whole thing just made me feel as though he’s perfectly fine without me and wether I’m there or not is irrelevant…I’m back now and he hasn’t asked to see me or anything similar (face time), we just text. I’ve been acting much like what you described here:

So yeah, you can NEED all you want. But it’s not putting positive energy into the relationship. It’s not going to make the guy turn around and say, “Wow, this woman who is constantly upset, constantly demanding reassurance and using our relationship as an emotional crutch is really fulfilling to me.”

And I’ve asked him recently how he was feeling in this relationship, he said he was happy and asked “wbu?” To which I said “I’m happy with you, but I’m bothered by something. Not so much bothered as confused” and I really am. But I don’t want to do the whole “tell me you care about me!” Thing like you’ve described. Can you tell me how I can fix this? I know I’ve been a little clingy, I’ve been trying not to be by keeping busy, but sometimes I can’t help it and it really hurts.

Reply June 18, 2014, 1:12 pm


The question marks were supposed to be a kissing emoji

Reply June 18, 2014, 1:14 pm


What if I tried saying things like “I like when you text to see how I’m doing!” But he doesn’t change, like it doesn’t make him do it more? We’ve been together 4 years and I feel like he’s bored. He no longer is affectionate, he calls/texts at the end of his day. But if I do that he tells me I’m being distant and if there’s someone else?? I’m just tired of all ways being the giver (affection, communication, ect) like he can’t even ask me how my day was, the first thing he does is talk about him and then when there’s nothing to talk about it’s like oh yea and you?

Reply May 1, 2014, 9:13 am


Wow. You pegged me perfectly. LDR, distant interaction creeping in from him. I recently started freaking out. The fear took hold, and the obsession of what’s going wrong. All of the Q’s you listed and everything you said that goes through a person’s mind down to the agony. I addressed it and he said “dont worry about how I feel about you, I’m just personally stressed.” But it still hurts. I said I just wanted him to express that he was looking forward to seeing me this weekend. It will be the second time in 3 months. He avoided responding. I just want to go and enjoy the trip. I don’t want to spend anymore energy on feeling upset/confused although I desperately miss the affection that he tuned down to minimum, and I am still in shock at when/ how it happened (over the last month slowly?) especially after reading this I’m going to let it go and let him wonder why I went from being ‘needy’ to not giving a crap. I do love him and have a lot invested already but if he comes back to me so be it. If not so be it. This was emotionally exhausting and I don’t want to feel that anymore. We’re both thirty something and I personally can’t play games. If he wants to be with me he will act like it…I’m moving back in a few months so hopefully the LDR won’t kill before then if we are right for eachother. Unfortunately I have to put my heart on the backburner and just chill out, be casual, try to have fun and be myself in the meantime. I don’t deserve how he’s been to me, but I’m not going to give it anymore energy either.

Reply April 3, 2014, 5:17 am


So I read this, and I made the mistake of creating that downward spiral, he even told me he’s just tired of proving he cares and we got in a lot of fights, and then took a break thing but we both didn’t want to call it that, because neither one of us really want to leave each other. Afterwards he told me he still loves me and basically never stopped and we decided to forget the whole thing happened. We have been dating for 17 months, the first 14 months were not long distance, the last 3 have, its just been so hard on me cause i’m not used to it. I just want to know we’re still salvageable, how can I recover and make him want me like crazy again? Cause I feel like we’re fine now, but I want him to adore me like he used to. and how can I tell him how I feel without rehashing the past or making him tired, or should I even try? Thanks for any responses (:

Reply October 5, 2013, 1:05 pm


I think Eric is misunderstanding the situation. The whole neediness label invalidates a women’s judgement. If a woman knows that in her heart, the distance the man is creating will lessen her feelings for him and drive her away, she has every right to feel upset, sad, hurt etc and express to her partner the relationship is dying because it is for her. She will eventually abandon and seek a more attentive partner. Would you advise a man who desires sex more than his partner to not express his need? Would you tell him he is being needy and shouldn’t need sex with a woman to be happy? Of course not. All this article is saying is that men are entitled to their needs and we are not. This is wrong. We have the right to fulfill our needs with a loving partner. If he is off, not spending time with you, not staying in contact, not nurturing the relationship, please don’t waste any more time trying to figure out what you are doing wrong, or label yourself as needy because you would like to spend more time with him. Guys can be selfish sometimes, surprisingly this article fails to mention that.

Reply August 7, 2013, 11:11 pm


I understand your perspective but I don’t think the core of Eric’s advice was trying to say she isn’t allowed to feel upset about not hearing from him. I think he said what he did to give her the mindset that she appreciates him but she doesn’t need him to live. So when expressing her needs, she shouldn’t make it sound like her boyfriend his hurting her on purpose. With your example of a man wanting more sex with a woman, same thing. He is allowed to feel upset about it, but if he were to commute this desire as if it were OWED to him and come from a place of entitlement, she wouldn’t appreciate that most likely and it would sound “needy” to her.

Also this girl has no direct control over her boyfriend but she can influence him to do better. The power of influence and persuasion is one of the greatest gifts women have with men. Eric did give advice on how to express her wants at the end without sounding “needy”. “I love it when you call, it’s always so great to hear from you” Men understand women most of the time when they are spoken to that way. I do it all the time now, even outside dating. I find that a lot of guys are selfish clueless about what to do to make a girl happy these days. I don’t know if it’s because a lot of women accept the bare minimum in committed relationships or what. At the end of the day, whether or not the guy cares shows if he changes how he is behaving. If he changes it, he cares. If he doesn’t he doesn’t care enough and she should leave him.

Reply August 23, 2013, 12:33 pm


Fixing first paragraph for typos and clarity :-)

I understand your perspective but I don’t think the core of Eric’s advice was trying to say she isn’t allowed to feel upset about not hearing from her bf. I think Eric said what he did to give her the mindset that she appreciates her bf but she doesn’t need him to live. So when expressing her needs, she shouldn’t make it sound like her boyfriend his hurting her on purpose. With your example of a man wanting more sex with a woman, same thing. He is allowed to feel upset about it, but if he were to communicate this desire as if it were OWED to him and come from a place of entitlement, she wouldn’t appreciate that most likely and it would sound “needy” to her.

Reply August 23, 2013, 4:55 pm


I LOVEEEEEE everything you said!!!

Reply June 4, 2013, 8:50 am


Dear Eric,

I’ve been in a LDR for almost 8 months now. Since our relationship has started I’ve been the one doing the traveling, mostly due to his economic situation, that he is unemployed for the moment and that everything is cheaper where he lives… my money situation isn’t the best either, with me being only a student with the occasional substitute job, yet now in April it will be my second time traveling to see him plus I am going to be there for two months in summer. Is it too much from me to ask/expect him to come see me with his money situation? Should I decrease my traveling after the summer, so he will put some effort into finding a job and saving money to come see me himself?

Reply March 3, 2013, 5:21 am


I am beginning to think that if you feel the “need” to write to Eric bc you have a relationship problem, it is pretty much a uncertainty that you are trying to have a relationship with a man that doesn’t give a crap. Reading this same dynamic over and over is painful. Why do women give up their power? This is a very sad state of affairs.

Reply February 24, 2013, 8:00 pm


Auto correct mistake, I mean certainty

Reply February 24, 2013, 8:02 pm


good stuff, Eric! SOOOO appreciate your and Sabrina’s insights. i found and bought your book several weeks back. loving the emails too. have been SUPER helpful
2 months ago met a great guy out here in CA – visiting from NY. long distance sure is a whole different ball of wax. very frustrating…:( but im enjoying the relationship and just trying to roll with things.
i think i’m having a hard time with the whole “defining” the relationship bit though. ive read your book but not sure how to realistically handle this right now. kinda don’t feel right about dating other guys even though we are not “official” or exclusive…
unless you have some other, better thoughts, im just trying to relax, enjoy the ride and see where it goes… i really don’t want to push him or make him feel pressured. we really are only just STARTING to know each other. spent 4 amazing days together, but that’s all. i was supposed to go out this week to be with him but my grandpa got sick and passed away so had to cancel.
i LOVE what you guys say about neediness being a mindset. absolutely life-saving (or at the least, relationship saving. lol)
anyway, this is all rather scattered – i wasn’t intending on commenting – just got a little carried away:) thanks for what you are doing.

Reply January 22, 2013, 12:15 am


Hi Eric and everybody,
you still there? Happy new year!
I’m in a pickle. Been with my boyfriend for two tests. I feel like he is the down in control of our relationship. When he wants to mess about its fine, but when he is in a bad mood and I want to mess about to distract me, he gets very angry. If I don’t want hugs, he thinks it’s fine to seek that physical affection from me, but when I seek it and he doesn’t want it, he calls me needy. I don’t think.I’m needy, I simply have my emotional needs once is a while. It’s funny how he only notices me being ‘needy’ when he wants space. Also when I say I would like to talk and he does something on the computer, he will say: we can talk after I have finished what I’m found. He also accuses me that I want things my way and he won’t talk to me only because I ‘ demand’ it at that moment. If my friend told me all what I’ve just written I’d say the guy is a selfish git. How would you see it?

Reply January 4, 2013, 3:45 am


I meant *years not tests, sorry

Reply January 4, 2013, 3:46 am

justine Adjaka

I am a matured woman of 30 years i met my guy from canada two years ago, we started dating he made me believe that he is so much in love with me.
He come to my home to eat meal with me and my family and spent time with me.
He left back in three month and propose to marry me.
Since then i spoke to him only twice on Phone he later change his cell number so i coudnt reach him and he never called. he came back in a year time and just told me ” i am sorry but i cannot be with you anymore, i had a lot of stress back home and i got myself a girlfriend whom i marying soon so i cant be with you beside i feel nothing for you anymore so i just want to be a platonic friend” we broke up. He came back again after one year now and started chasing after me all over tthat he want to see me, there then his girfriend was suppose to join him back here but he told the girl wouldnt like africa because he is in africa now and iam an african too. so when the girfriend came the spent two weeks together and soon she left he started calling me again, then one thing lead to another and another we started having sex then he confess to me that he love me and that he is been a fool . How can a man who says he doesnt feel anything for me in point in time feel something for me now? is it that because i seems happy with my Job and contended with my life then and no more stress over him like before?
This time he want to see me often and call me but Three from now he hasnt been calling me again all of a sudden, he is actually working on a project in Africa too that is hectic. i am the only person that call him now and he doesnt even call me. i sent him a message to encourage of his love for mee and that i know that he is a good man, but i do not want him to hurt me anymore like he did in the past. the next day he call me to check on me and wanted to meet me but i couldnt make it up to him. just after that he did not call again so i decided to stop calling him.

I am confuse what do you think about this man, do you think he loves me? what should i do? please tell me something

Reply November 3, 2012, 3:41 am


What an interesting story. Did he call you ? What happened after? I think he really loves you. Do not give up.

Reply September 27, 2013, 1:02 pm

Hi Eric

Hi Eric
so i have been reading your articles on neediness adn I can truely say I have been needy in my past relationships. I will give you a lil background. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. next weekend being our one year anniversary… He has an avoidant attachment style. He is very focused on his school and work when he needs to be, gives me his full attention when he spends the weekends with me. He is very loving, caring, giving, helpful adn initimate. BUt when we are not together during the week, when im working and he is in school he doesnt alwys initiate contact. in teh oast i have told him when he does it it makes me eveyr happy to hear from him and immediately he says he will do more of it adn does it. this last week i ahev been feeling very low adn angery, so after one year i blew up at him. i miss understood his text adn told him that his words are hurtful and insulting. he ofcourse was not happy about that because he was saying “we had a full weekend together nad we will have anotehr one soone nough”…… the next day i got invited for beers by his friends adn was asked to convince him to come out cuz he was staying home to do his homework. i nicely said i got invited and the boys want me to convince you to come. he immediately replied back saying he couldnt cuz he has class at 8 am. i asked if i could go adn have a few bews and he said have fun and apologized. i said i understand and respect his dedication. i drunk dialed him that night (first time I ahev drunk dialed him 1 year) and was very sad and crying. he asked what was wrong adn I asked if everything was ok with us. he said yes, why wouldnt it be? and i said cuz lately i dont hear much from you adn thought maybe something happened. he said no and that its only been two days since we have talked and i said yes i undertstand that but that can be a long time when all i w3ant is just to hear your voice. he said i ahve told you, you can call me whenever, in which i replied yes i know that but when i do not hear from you for three days i assume you are busy with school work, so i become fearfukl in callimng you cuz i am afraid im going to annoy you. he said im not always studying, adn i said well i dont know that, when i dont hear from you i assume you are, adn teh last thing i want to do is distract you from your studied cuz i know you are afraid of the future adn where you are going with your career. I have a full time job, make great money, have my own place, my own car adn he lives the life of a typical student. adn i understand how that can be intimidating or fearfuk to a guy. anywho. so the nect day he messaged me asking how i was so i decided take the lead and call. we spoke for anotehr ten minutes about our day and how he classes were. i ended the conversation with my apologies for blowing up at you and the drunk call. i was having a bad day and miss read your text and blew up at you. and just like you dont like to lose control of your emotions when you drink, this is why i dont drink cuz i get all wemotional adn lose control he said he undertood and i said i will make more of an effort to call you and he said he will too. i asked him to call me the nexy day at a specific time and HE DID. TEN MINUTES EARLIER when initially when i asked he said he is going out with the boys and he might not be able to. he did. but i did not talk about myself at all. something happened in his family that he does not want to share yet so i brought up a hilarious story his friends had told me and in minutes i had him laughing adn telling me about this camping trip. he spoke the entire 10 minutes and i ended it with, your friend are waiting for you, go out and enjoy a few brews, you have deserved it. but then again the nesxt day nothing. notta. so i snet him a text saying good morning and i hope you have a better day. he said hi 2 hours later and i was busy at work so 4 hours later i said hi and thats all…… now here i am freaking out that i have already ruined teh relationship by drunk dialing him, he doesnt call cuz he thinks im needy and is trying to sever ties…… am i overthinkign this? am i still in the good? can i redeem this? and how? please help eric.

thank you

Reply September 23, 2012, 11:43 am


Hi Eric! (Or anyone!)

I was wondering if you could shed some light on my situation personally. I am in a long distance relationship. We have been together 2+ years. In Feb, we broke up and were on and off for a bit. We broke up three times, and the third was in March. We broke up because some girl friended me on Facebook who was his mutual friend and had written something on his wall about him being with some girl all the time. I confronted him about it. He said they were just friends. Then, we met that weekend and I looked through his phone. The girl that he said was his friend had texted him. I asked about it and he broke up with me for lack of trust. I did not contact him for 4 weeks.
After four weeks, he texted me saying he loved me and always would. He asked to get back together and talked about marriage/kids. (We are young but it was still nice to hear–I’m 22 and he’s 24).
I saw him briefly in May and then just visited him last weekend. I had been studying for the MCAT. We had a nice weekend, but I saw him texting that girl. They did not text a lot, but it still happened. Also, he left me at his apartment to pick up his nephew that we babysat for a bit. His best friend’s girlfriend lives close to where his nephew lives and she is best friends with the girl in question. I know he was just picking a kid up.. but I dont know why I did not go?
Also, he will not be my friend on FAcebook because of what happened and he says I take it too seriously and that it does not matter. He does not always tell me what he is doing or who he is with. He will sometimes say it does not matter because I do not know them or something like that..
I understand everything…. I guess, but do you think I am being horrible. We talk once a day on the phone for like 20-30 min and text a little bit because he said he is tired after work. He works with kids outside 12 hours a day.
I asked him if he wanted to be together forever and he said yes. We discussed med school and my possible relocation to some random state and he said my future should not depend on him since he is in school too.

I would like to know if I am being completely insane and need to work on myself and things will change or if I should talk to him about it? If so, HOW? I do not want to turn it into an argument.
Also, is repeating yourself a horrible thing for a guy? Should I think that because he said it once and we are still together things havent changed in the 3 months we have been together and that he came back and obviously wants to be with me?
Would it make sense for him to be with me and put in effort if he had a girl that was not long distance?


Reply June 26, 2012, 2:08 pm


I’m not in a needy mindset, I am not needing my boyfriend to do certain things to fulfill me. What I am trying to figure out is if we are a good fit for each other and if we both, like Eric said, “give a crap about each other.” It recently has not been feeling like my boyfriend does. We have been together almost a year and suddenly he is different. When were together things are great, but it doesn’t seem like he is putting forth as much effort as he had been and I feel like he doesn’t want to spend as much time with me anymore. I am willing to walk away from the relationship, I am not going to wait around for him to decide what he wants, however I do want to be with him. So how can I express that without coming off as needy or like I am giving him an ultimatum? I want to work things out not end things, but if he isn’t sure I am not waiting around.

Reply May 21, 2012, 12:02 am

Ally O' Mally

I’m a 19 year old college student and I’ve been in a Long Distance Relationship with my military boyfriend for 3 years. Things have been absolutely terrible for the past month! Ever since I’ve made new friends and got really drunk (for the first time) at a party. He’s been extremely controlling of me lately; playing mind games with me to keep me down, and trying to get me to stop hanging out with my friends. RED FLAG! I love him with all of my heart and i know he feels the same way, but we just keep fighting over stupid things. Like why I didn’t call him at a certain time, or how i should’t have gone to the beach, or gone to a friends house, or gotten my homework done on time to call him. Its gotten CRAZY! I finally lost it and told him how I feel, and that i couldn’t take it anymore, but we keep getting into petty arguments and i feel stuck. I feel like if i break up with him I’ll be making a huge mistake. We’ve been so close before and it felt like he was the one I’d be with forever. It was beautiful. But now I just wait for us to start fighting again. How do i end a relationship with someone that I’m in love with? We’re falling apart and it hurts like hell but i don’t know what to do anymore. My heart is breaking.
Please help me,

Reply May 18, 2012, 3:39 pm


Dear Ally,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Unfortunately I understand – to a certain extent – how you feel. Your post really resonated with me and I wanted to share my story with you, which is fairly similar to yours. I just graduated from college this May (yay!) and was in a relationship that started with such intense passion about two years ago during a summer trip. :) We hit it off perfectly in every way possible. Like you, I could actually see a future with him. I really thought it would last forever. However, our short time together (physically) was interrupted by long distance for almost two years.

The first year we made it through okay but after that things started to go downhill. Communication decreased, we argued about petty things. Usually we talked our way through it, as a team, but after two years of college and extremely little communication it was tough to turn around. We even had a trip planned to see each other this summer. This is where I feel terrible, but I just officially ended our relationship the night before our trip. The entire week before that I realized we weren’t going to go back to what we had before the distance came between us. We had tried to improve multiple times and both of us failed to do so. Neither of us were able to prioritize the relationship like we once did.

I have also grown and changed in the past two years during our LDR. College is a time to come into yourself as an individual and learn more about who you are. The amount of growth I experienced between when we last saw each other and this visit was two years’ worth. That’s a lot of time and a lot of growing. There are several other factors that went into my decision but I won’t get into them here. I decided it was best if we officially ended our relationship. These words still hurt to say and write, but I know it’ll be okay.

It was an emotional night and a rough skype conversation. I feel terrible about what I did (coming to this realization the night before the trip), but could not have dealt with making him come out to see me thinking it was a happy reunion. I left the invitation open for him to still come visit, but he understandably said no. I know he is mad at me with everything purchased for the trip, but I couldn’t make him visit if I knew deep down it was over. I love him, not at the level he deserves, and I know he loves me.

It was an extremely difficult decision, but once I followed through with it I knew I made the right choice. I have no doubt that if we were never separated by distance we could have lasted forever. But I also know going forward what kind of work goes into understanding someone else’s needs in a relationship, and that I’m not ready for an LDR anytime soon. I learned a lot. I am glad to say I have felt a true connection of love with another individual at least once in my life. Now I am taking time to learn more about myself, send quality time with girlfriends and guy friends, and explore the nooks and crannies of my city before I leave for graduate school. I know once I am happy and content with myself, another person with just as much passion for life will cross my path.

I agree with Eric. Distance kills. But it doesn’t mean you can’t learn and grow all the same. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you and your boyfriend all the best. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Best wishes,

Reply June 15, 2012, 8:38 pm


I would love some advice. Going to give the short story.. Been in a relationship with this guy for about 2 years. In the beginning he wld not fully commit. So I backed off. He started acting different and wanted to be exclusive after a while. We were doing great about 3 weeks ago I get a call that he has been talking and texting a girl that he was seeing when we first started talking and going out. They were not exclusive at the time and neither were we. But apparently when during their conversations a couple weeks ago he did not tell her that he was in a exclusive relationship with me.  So she called me to find out what was going on. Well me & the Bf talked about all this and he had kinda giving me a heads up that she might call but to just let him handle it. After talking with her. We sat down and we talked about us and where we went from there.  I know that they had just been talking and had not seen each other and we had really been doing good so I decided to stay with him and let’s work past this and we have been doing great. This past weekend we were at a local bar having a few drinks we both know the owner. The owner gets a phone call from a guy I dated over 18 years ago, he tells him we are there and he the owner hands me the phone. My bf was not sitting beside me at the time but walked back before I gave the phone back.  This x bf and I ended our relationship as friends and have remand friends. I did not hide the phone call or who I was talking to.  I have been with my bf all weekend.  I stayed at home last night and before we got off the phone to go to bed, he made the comment don’t be up all night flirting.  It just kinda threw me off guard and I said whatever. Well I decided to text him this morning and ask him if something was bothering him that the comment he made about flirting just kinda threw me off..  He texted back that something is always bothering him and he was still thinking about me on the phone with an old flame with him there he didn’t know why I wld do that. I waited about 30 minutes to text back and this is what I sent him : me -Rcalled E, E mention that WE were there. He handed me the phone. Asked how I was & if We as in me & you were there visiting..You heard most of the conversation.  R and I have always remand friends. We dated over 18 years ago if not longer and we ended things as friends. I wasn’t trying to hide it from you and it’s not like he called my phone.  I hate that it bothered you.  I dont even consider him an old flame more like an old friend.  Here was his response: Js …I walked bak in there and you was on the phone with him that’s all I new.   
I have not responded back just really don’t have anything nice to say back it aggravates me that I keep having to pay for his past relationship of being burned when in the last year I have gone out of my way to prove to him that I’m not like that and he can trust me.  Should i have responded different to his text and should I respond to his last text or just not text him back.  I have not heard anything from him since he sent the last text.  Please please respond with any advice… Thanks 

Reply May 1, 2012, 12:23 pm


Also on more than one occasion I have busted him talking to his ex. Says its just talk and nothing to it..

Reply May 1, 2012, 2:06 pm


Hey Eric,
I agree with you about LDRs. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and for the majority of that he’s been living 10000 miles away in Australia. When I came back from a 3 month holiday there in September I got really bad depression and became very needy (I’ve never been like that before – I hate neediness). He broke up with me in January because he couldnt deal with the distance anymore (and my depression) which completely destroyed me. Now we’re back together as he realised he’d made the wrong decision, and he’s decided to move back to the uk to be with me. My problem is that now I know how awful breaking up felt while I had depression I am constantly worrying that it could happen again. I’m not needy towards him anymore but when he goes for a few days without speaking to me I do the thing you describe above and create ‘what if?’ scenarios and panic and worry and its awful. I know he loves me and really cares about me and that my fears are unfounded, I just really need some advice on how to go about altering my mindset. Thanks :)

Reply April 16, 2012, 6:53 am

Eric Charles

Neediness is a mindset – it is created from having those fearful emotions stemming from fear of loss and the fear that you could never do better than him…
Ultimately, you need to find the pathway to love where you can’t “lose” that other person.
True love, real love, is not about attaching yourself to the other person. Nor is it like possessing them like an object.
True love is loving that person. That’s it.
Anything else is just mind drama.
Now granted, speaking to you as someone who’s experienced a good deal of depression, I can tell you that you need to take special care in your life to keep your mental state strong, fulfilled and happy.
Personally, I’ve learned that I’m not someone that can live without exercise and a good diet. When I let myself go and stop exercising and eating right, it’s only a matter of time before depression creeps up for me.
There are other lifestyle choices that can lead me towards depression as well – caffeine addiction for one… I’m an avid coffee drinker and sometimes the feeling of caffeine withdrawal mirrors the feelings of depression – the fact that I realize this prevents me from labeling it as depression though. So there’s a degree of knowing yourself too…
Finally, your overall life arrangement makes a huge difference. Being surrounded by good supportive friends and people who love you is essential – not just to healing your depression but also to make sure you don’t have an emotional void (that you would then try to use your relationship to fill).
Because we’re talking about depression here, I want to point out that I am NOT a doctor nor am I a “licensed professional” or giving professional advice. This is just me talking to you, some guy over the internet sharing his thoughts. So if you need professional help here, get it from a professional.
With all that said, your focus here needs to be on filling your life up with fulfillment, happiness and self-love from all different places – not just your relationship. And GET RID of things and people that bring you down. Ultimately you want to get rid of anything that fuels fearful thoughts… that will save you.

Reply April 16, 2012, 9:52 am


Thanks for such a quick response. That was really helpful :)

Reply April 16, 2012, 3:55 pm


Hi Eric,

I stumbled on your site and am now compulsively hooked! Never thought I’d ask a question like this in a public forum but here goes! Is there any point in being remotely optimistic about a happy ending with a guy I knew 20 years ago? Classic Facebook reunion stuff – lots and lots of meaningful contact and about the here and now, not just the past BUT he’s since emigrated and is over 5000 miles away. We frequently talk about how we could meet up but realistically…?

Reply March 24, 2012, 2:25 pm

Eric Charles

20 year reunion? Sure, that could be possible.
5000 miles away? Yeah… that’s a problem.
People hate when I say this because they’re usually doing everything they can to nurse their idealistic optimism, but I always say:
Long Distance KILLS Relationships.
Now… you may meet up and hook up. But if your intent is for it to turn into some kind of committed / exclusive relationship… unlikely unless one of you is planning on moving across the world for the other.
If you want to hook up though… hey, go for it.

Reply March 24, 2012, 2:30 pm


Eric are you married? You surely don’t sound like it. Relationships do need things if that’s the case the other partner gonna find it some place eles. Correct yourself. Because cus their nothing wrong with a women needing to have attention in relationship. Ok so I’m a women and let me put it to you what the women really saying: I don’t want to give up.on the person I love BUT I NEED more out of him. I NEED more from him or OTHERWISE this relationship is not going to work or I might cheat. Secondly your wrong yet AGAIN. You may not think long distance relationship don’t work but in reality they do. Army girlfriends and wives do it all the time. And many other people who I known do to. It goes like this: the longer the distance the harder the d*ck lol. So if he’s crazy in love with you he miss that.

Reply March 22, 2012, 8:38 am

Eric Charles

No, I’m not married. But being married or not does not make a person an expert in relationships… if it did, we wouldn’t have a soaring divorce rate in America.
And we NEED oxygen. We NEED food. We NEED water. Those are NEEDS.
When you look at a relationship like it’s oxygen and water, you end up ramping up your emotions and blinding yourself with intense inner turmoil. Take it down a notch…
Yes, we all want a relationship where the partner is reciprocating and giving to the relationship. But what I’ve found (and mind you, this is after literally 10 million+ women have rolled through my articles) is that when a person, man or woman, gets blinded by their own fears, worries, desires, nightmares, fantasies, etc…… they stop GIVING to the relationship and fixate on taking.
So yeah, you can NEED all you want. But it’s not putting positive energy into the relationship. It’s not going to make the guy turn around and say, “Wow, this woman who is constantly upset, constantly demanding reassurance and using our relationship as an emotional crutch is really fulfilling to me.”
Not going to happen. You get back what you PUT INTO relationships… doesn’t matter how emotional you get ABOUT your relationship. It matters what positive energy actually ends up going into your relationship.
And that’s why I talk about building yourself a strong, firm foundation emotionally. That’s why I talk about showing up whole to your relationship. That’s why I talk about being happy and fulfilled in your own life so that you don’t use your relationship as a crutch.
It’s because that foundation is necessary if you want a relationship where the guy is giving to your so-called needs. You gotta give a guy space to psychologically breathe. You have to shift your mindset from the immature “I *need* this…” to “I’m completely fulfilled and I can *provide* this…”
As for your views on long distance relationships, respectfully… I disagree. Long distance kills relationships in the MAJORITY of cases. They don’t all fail… only in the majority of cases.

Reply March 22, 2012, 11:06 am


Right on Eric! Thank you for spelling it out this way….”It’s not going to make the guy turn around and say, “Wow, this woman who is constantly upset, constantly demanding reassurance and using our relationship as an emotional crutch is really fulfilling to me.” ….Whether it’s consciously or subconsciously, if this is a man’s reality of the relationship, of course he’s going to withdrawal and keep withdrawaling! And thank you for “doesn’t matter how emotional you get ABOUT your relationship. It matters what positive energy actually ends up going into your relationship.” I totally understand and relate to what the bloggers were saying about meeting relationship “needs” but for me, these two simple comments of yours brought your whole point across. It just hit me like a good hard slap of reality on my “emotional” tendencies towards analyzing a relationship even though I am aware of how a proactive and practical mindset is key to shifting the reality of the relationship….interesting blog all around. Thanks again!

Reply March 23, 2012, 9:38 am


I think people misuse the word need for want. If you want your bf or gf to do something there’s no harm in giving that person positive reinforcement and praising all the wonderful things he or she does for you. If you find yourself dissatisfied in a relationship and not getting what you want and deserve then perhaps the way they give love is different then the way you do. Time to walk away. I did from someone I loved very dearly. We both loved each other immensely but I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve. I’m happy with myself and even if I find a great connection with someone I’m perfectly willing to move on to be with someone that puts in the effort. My needs are met and I don’t rely on anyone for those needs.

Reply April 10, 2012, 7:52 pm


That’s well said. I’ve been struggling to understand this needs vs. wants idea. I think the way this forum uses the word ‘needs’ is a bit different from how alot of people use it. I think many people refer to their relationship ‘needs’ when they really mean their ‘wants’.

You said that you didn’t settle for less than what you deserve. What I still struggle to understand is that yes, I have to respect my relationship wants, but how do I know if they are unrealistic? How do I know if I’m wanting too much? Is it just a general feeling… do you just have to clue in to yourself to sense any discomfort with the situation? For example, alot of girls ‘want’ their boyfriends to text them everyday, but this seems a little unrealistic. How do you decide what you will settle for?

November 13, 2012, 9:22 pm


i wanna add to what Eric said, in regards to the building yourself up emotionally and even physically, the point of that is for YOU not for anyone else, if you make getting in shape the guy instead of about you, ur simply repeating old mistakes in a smaller pant size…he is telling you in essence, that when you are whole, and YOU are the most important person in your life, anyone else who comes into it cannot take that away from you…when ur confidence is genuine, u will experience hurt when necessary in a relationship, but you won’t ever feel you need anything from someone else that YOU can’t give to yourself…any person that you allow into your life in a meaningful way should reinforce the positive things you see in yourself, if that isn’t happening, the relationship or you need to change…about the long distance thing, maybe its more fair to state that long distance reltionships are far less likely to work than a regular one…i beleive a lot of factors play into it, how long have the two been togethr before the other moved? the longer they are together, or if their are children involved ( such as the army wife situation), how committed they both are at frequent trips to see one another, etc…it just depends, also if the distance is temporary, thats a huge factor, a lot of times if a couple knows they only have to tolerate it for a year, instead of indefinitely…they will make the effort…the 20 year reunion thing i would say is highly unlikley to work, not impossible, but the foundation of a strong reltionship is not there, to try and build one from a distance will be far more difficult…i can imagine…but if you are in love, its worth a shot!

Reply April 19, 2012, 2:50 am

Eric Charles

Great comment Lindsay – thank you for that.

Reply April 19, 2012, 10:20 am



I have a question with follow-up contact after meeting a guy. I met a guy at a party and he waited 3 days to text me saying hello. That day, we exchanged close to 30 messages back and forth all day (in hind sight, I think this was a mistake). The next day we texted but you could tell that he was keeping his messages brief. He didn’t contact me the following day, which happened to be close to the weekend and hasn’t contacted me all weekend. I thought that he would have called /texted to ask me out this weekend, but not at all. So anyway, I cracked this morning and texted him asking him how he is and he hasn’t replied yet. What am I doing wrong? If he is not replying is it a polite way of saying he’ s not interested, or is he playing games or trying to take it slow… really confused.

Reply March 17, 2012, 3:42 pm


Maybe you should reword that to what the “relationship needs”. Relationships do need things to survive, or they can’t breathe and they die. Maybe that can put it back into proportion.

Reply March 17, 2012, 1:50 pm

Eric Charles

Sure, but not everyone is a good match for one another.
And if I run around talking about how a relationship “needs” something to survive, it will put all of the readers right back in the same boat.
Her boyfriend will be out sleeping with her best friends, forgetting or skipping their anniversary/her birthday, never returning calls or texts… and the girl will be freaking out over all this because she feels she has to give the relationship what it “needs”.
… when really, it would be a blessing for a relationship like that to fall apart because frankly that guy doesn’t care about her.
What a relationship “needs” is two people who give a crap about the relationship. And you can’t force that… so for those reasons I would not talk about relationship “needs”.

Reply March 17, 2012, 1:56 pm


“What a relationship “needs” is two people who give a crap about the relationship”
could not have said it better myself haha its exactly the point, u can spout out advice to us woman all you want, but one thing is certain, its all on the presumption that the other party (usually the boyfriend) gives a crap about the reltionship, some men stay in them because it comfortable or convenient, not because they care to revive a suffering one…excellent point :)

Reply April 19, 2012, 2:57 am

Eric Charles

True, true. :)

Reply April 19, 2012, 10:22 am


I have been with my bf for nearly a year. Recently i became pregnant (very stupid) i wanted to keep it, he didnt.
I tried to convince him until the last minute, but in the end, i had to arrange the worst. I still regret it and will never forget it..
The problem is that i do all these things for him that always show him hes very important to me, and he doesnt even reply when i tell him i love him.
His excuse is that he will say it when he really means it..
Im getting tired of that and started questioning it.. he hates his job and how little he earns.
What i really need him to give me, he doesnt. I always provide for us, so finacially i am not dependant on him.
Sometimes i feel that i can do better, but when i think of how i’ve been treated by other men, i kinda bite my tongue and put up with everything because better the devil you know..
Its only some days when he thinks of himself first that i explode and everything that’s been annoying me comes out?
What can i do? i am stuck.

Reply March 11, 2012, 4:59 am

Ally O' Mally

He loves you I’m sure, but maybe he has a problem sharing his feelings. You do deserve better, and you CAN do better. Don’t ever think that you can’t. I feel the same way sometimes, but i know its wrong, and i think about if I’m getting what i want out of the relationship, and maybe if i can get more out of life by being single or being with someone else. You want to be happy. Maybe you need someone who is a little bit more attentive to you and is less self absorbed. Also, try to confess what annoys you in a less explosive way.

Reply May 18, 2012, 4:17 pm

vivian k

how to tell a guy u acknowledge them without sounding like you are soo into him!that he can get away with anything?

Reply March 4, 2012, 3:29 pm


HI, my x Boy friend emailed me and said I am not sure what you want from me. what is he saying?

Reply February 29, 2012, 9:25 pm

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