It’s been one month since my boyfriend and I broke up. The other day I learned that he put up an online dating profile- wth?! I am still going through the phases of our breakup and I can’t even fathom the idea of meeting and talking to a new guy right now. It may seem the norm that guys will do this to avoid their feelings–get sex, boost ego–but it hurts.
Why do guys do this? Why do they seem to get over breakups so much faster than women?
I can understand why seeing that would hurt.
I mean, I can imagine it feels like a betrayal… here you are feeling all this pain, heartbreak and sadness… and he’s off putting up an ad for a new woman and, perhaps by extension, new sex.
When you’re in that position, it can feel like he almost owes you a period of grief. It can feel like he’s disrespecting the time you had together because he’s not miserable, depressed, and holed up hidden away from the world.
I can imagine as you’re feeling that, you resent him. You’re angry at him. You feel hurt by him.
And yet… beneath all of these feelings… are your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions about the situation. Your thoughts, your beliefs, and your perceptions about what he’s doing are really what’s making you feel bad.
The fact is: You don’t know what he’s feeling. You don’t know what he’s thinking. You don’t know his intentions.
All you know is that right now, you’re hurting and you feel it’s his fault for making you hurt like this.
What most women don’t realize is breakups are really hard on men too. It may not seem like it on the surface, but that’s because men process emotions differently than women…not because they don’t have any emotions.
Men typically don’t feel the need to ruminate over every detail of the relationship, something I see a lot of women doing, because those thoughts serve no purpose. Guys do not handle negative emotions well and will fight very hard to stay in a place of contentedness.
How do you know he’s not dying inside, feeling like his heart was torn in half… and he’s just trying to distract himself from the pain because he really, truly does not know any other way to dull the piercing pain he feels in his heart right now?
How do you know that, as he’s looking for other women, that his mind and heart won’t scream, “You’ll never find another woman better than the one you had… you made a mistake!”?
How do you know that he doesn’t feel completely wretched about himself right now?
You don’t… The only thing you can know is your feelings at this moment. The truth is, the way you’re looking at it right now is causing you to feel bad.
Believe it or not, when you’re thinking about something in a way that feels bad, that’s your mind telling you: “This is wrong! You’re on the wrong track! This isn’t the truth in the grand scheme of things! Thinking like this will only lead you to a bad place… a place of deep suffering.”
Whether you realize it or not, you have a mission right now in your love life. Your mission is to remember what makes you feel happy… and to participate in that. Your mission is to think the thoughts that feel happy, do the things that make you feel happy, look at life in the way that makes you feel happy.
This is a lesson that love and life tries to teach everyone… and if you listen to what you’re feelings are trying to show you, you’ll end up in a better place than you’ve ever been in your whole life. You need to listen to your feelings and let them be your guide. Follow what feels happy, fulfilling, and puts you at ease. Drop all that feels intoxicating or bad. (By intoxicating I mean that it might feel irresistible to feed into in the moment, but you always regret it later… it always makes things worse.)
Instead of resisting total acceptance and being OK with it, resist your urge to judge the situation. Find the part of yourself that can say, “I don’t know why things are the way they are right now, but somehow this is for the best.”
Also remember that whether he is over it or not has nothing to do with you and your process. It might give you some sense of satisfaction to know that he’s still pining away, but where will that get you? And would that really help you move on in a healthy way?
Breakups are always difficult. Instead of focusing on how he’s feeling, and why he’s (seemingly) moving on so quickly, focus on yourself and on what you need to do to get to a healthy, stable place, one that will open the gates that lead to a long-lasting, loving relationship.
Hope it helps,