How to respond to an ex who only came back for sex


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  • #563895 Reply
    Lauren

    My ex and I stopped talking for a month. We both wanted different things. I was looking for something serious and he wanted to still talk to other people.

    I was left confused after finding out he was still on dating apps even though we had settle on being exclusive with one another. Hence to why I ended things.

    After a month of no talking, he decided to hit me up and wanted to meet up for dinner. We had a good night but after dinner he asked wanting to come over. After he said that, it left me wondering to whether he just hit me up for a booty call. I turn him down and said no.

    The next day he texted and asked if I would like to come over to his place. How should I even respond to that? Is his motives to wanting to come back is for sex? Is the best response no response?

    #563898 Reply
    Jody

    He is on dating apps and talking to other women. I am afraid he has returned for a booty call and nothing more.

    Unless he says outright he wants to be exclusive with you and not talk to others, then it is time to start walking.

    Hanging around and having sex with this dude is going to give him license to take you for granted and use you for sex. If that’s okay with you and your ok with NSA, then go for it. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for heartache. Sleeping with a guy is going to get you attached to him emotionally. It will be hard to let go and you will go crazy thinking of how many other women he is seeing.

    Believe me I have been there. \it’s not a happy ending.

    #563900 Reply
    Marissa

    Your ex is definitely just hoping for sex. It’s pretty typical tbh, the same thing happened twice with my ex. Don’t go off on him if it can be avoided. I did this with my ex and now we no longer talk. I would’ve liked things to end on a more peaceful note, instead of all the animosity. Just make it clear you’re not interested in coming over and that he needs to stop asking. He’s not looking for anything serious and probably won’t be for a long time, if ever. If he keeps trying to ask just stop responding. If it’s to tempting to respond, block him. I’m sure you have other forms of social media that he can contact you by if he truly wants to talk, but even then it will most likely be about sex. And don’t be too upset at him and definitely at yourself. He just hasn’t gotten to a point where he wants something real, and you just needed time to see what he was really about. Just let go, and move on. It will be the best move for both of you.

    #563902 Reply
    Hannah

    I don’t understand. You spilt because he deceived you into thinking you were exclusive while he was still on dating apps. What’s changed? Does he now want to be properly exclusive? Could you even trust him if he said he did?

    #563905 Reply
    Carrie

    Really? After the way he’s treated you? You say NOTHING and you block and leave him in the past, for good.

    #563919 Reply
    Raven

    You don’t …

    #563926 Reply
    Nellie

    CUT.HIM.OFF.ALREADY.

    #564381 Reply
    nicole

    like the others said.. just don’t respond.

    If he wanted something serious with you, more than likely he would’ve been upfront with you that first night at dinner. He came back to you because of the convenience. I had an ex who did this; after we broke up, he would contact me frequently, but it was mostly just for sex. It turns out he was also talking to another girl at the time and was trying to feel things out with her, but also got the benefits from me too.

    Just walk away. You broke up for a reason.

    #564386 Reply
    Ollie

    I’d respond to him. There is absolutely zero shame in your desire to hold out for someone who wants the same thing you do. It doesn’t make you look or feel weak to state your needs.

    Just tell him you will not “go there” as it would distract you from finding what you really want and killing time with someone who is not on the same page is a waste of time.

    I know you’ve already told him this when you broke up, but telling him again does nothing to harm you. If anything it may empower you and keep you focused holding out for the best.

    #564399 Reply
    Helen

    No response speaks louder than anything the OP could possibly say. Further communication with him DOES harm her, IMO. Opens the door for him to keep at it because he got a rise out of her.

    #564401 Reply
    Lekisha

    You either respond kindly with a no, or you DON’T at all!

    #564406 Reply
    Phillygirl

    Helen is so right.

    More of the women here need to learn the art of setting better boundaries. When I very clearly and explicitly my limits, and they ignore or cross that boundary, I stop replying.

    You do not always need to respond. If someone doesn’t show enough respect to listen, accept, and abide by a line you draw, you do not need to say anything.

    No reply, IS a response. In fact, it is one guys understand very well. They ALL know that when a woman is silent they’ve pushed too far.

    I would not bother telling this guy a thing, and I wouldn’t continue talking to him either. He isn’t worth your time.

    #564407 Reply
    Helen

    Lekisha, are you out of your mind? Respond “kindly” with a no???? Why do women feel they have to be polite to bad behavior?????? This guy was just seeing if she had weakened. She gave him a chance by going out to dinner with him and he showed his true colors. He wants sex only. She has already broken up with him because she wants more than that. They are not compatible. She did the right thing by dumping him. If she has any further interaction with him, it’s just encouraging him that he can wear her down.

    #564416 Reply
    Maria

    No response is not necessarily the best way, communications can be used to your advantage. You can just reply with “no thanks, I’ll pass” lol. If you took more than a day to reply, then it is probably better not to reply at all. I am sure he’d contact you again, sex is not that easy to get, so it’s worth sending a couple of messages.

    #564417 Reply
    Helen

    Maria, how the F can communication with someone who lied to you while you were dating and only wants sex from you now work to your advantage?! There’s nothing to be gained by staying in touch with this guy. Women don’t seem to get that ANY communication makes a guy think he’s got a chance if he just keeps at it. Getting revenge or toying with someone just feeds the situation more energy. And these days with online dating sex is very easy for a man to get. Guy mistreats you like this, you walk and you don’t look back. Ever. Strongest message possible is total silence.

    #564431 Reply
    Phillygirl

    Helen is absolutely right . Wake up ladies.

    #564446 Reply
    mich

    We are grown ups and we certainly LOATHE it when men leave us hanging. Respond with elegance. “We are just in different places. You can find just anyone for hook ups and I’m only used to a meaningful monogamous relationships. I’m not judging of course! I think you are just charming yet the heart wants what it wants. All the best” This way, you have the upper hand and you’re the lady who got away. When you get a little older (Like moi) the good ones circle back around when they want to settle down. Then you have beautiful children, get a nice house, and divorce him. We will see you back here in 7 years.

    Michele

    #564450 Reply
    Hannah

    Mich I get what you’re saying when you’re dating someone and you’ve treated each other well. Then it is rude to ignore. But if someone has treated you badly, dumped you and then tried to use you for sex, why not be rude and ignore?

    I generally like to draw lines under things and burn my bridges in case I have a weak moment in the future. So I probably would respond. But with something like “you’ve got to be joking. I have absolutely no interest in hooking up with you”.

    One of my exes came back and I did try to ignore him. It became difficult though as I was just starting to see my husband and I didn’t want this ex ruining things by calling/texting at the wrong time. He wasn’t taking ignoring him as a no. I sent him a really cutting text about how I’d grown up since we were together, I wanted a proper man and he would never cut it for me now. Never heard from him again!

    #564470 Reply
    Betty

    Why don’t you agree to date him without sleeping together and let him know those are the rules. See how long he sticks around.

    #564489 Reply
    L

    Lauren please help me understand this..how long were you two dating when you realized he was on a dating app? Did you meet online?

    The fact the guy asked you to come over and you assume he wants sex is very disturbing. Why is it the minute a guy reaches out we automatically assume he wants sex….????? In this day and age men/women can get sex anywhere ….yes and not even have to pay for it!

    I am not saying he doesn’t want sex with you but why not just ask him what his intentions are to invite you to his place after not speaking for over a month??????

    Jeez we are all human and we make mistakes maybe he realized what he lost…if this is his first offense then give him the benefit of the doubt to find out what he wants. We complain that men don’t communicate yet we do the same thing!!!!!!!!

    #564493 Reply
    Ash

    If you had both agreed to be exclusive and he broke that agreement with his dating app activity, and he’s constantly asking to get the two of you alone in a room, yeah that seems like he’s looking for a hookup. Depending on how you feel about that, you could say…

    “What I want is a serious, committed relationship, I do not sleep with men who are not my exclusive boyfriend”.

    If he says losing you was the worse decision he’s ever made and you really want to give him another shot, make sure he walks the walk for a few months, before you get into bed with him. If he’s serious about this, he’ll wait, if what he really wanted was just sex, then he won’t wait and/or won’t be willing to agree to that arrangement.

    Or…

    “Screw yourself”

    Or… just say nothing.

    #564495 Reply
    Irina

    No Reply hands down!!!! No reply means you don’t even care about what he wants and what he needs to say. If you are interested in him still it will mess up your world, he will get what he wants a good,safe sex.

    #564500 Reply
    Phillygirl

    When you learn to respect yourself enough that you don’t entertain men who do not treat you properly, you will find the need to respond in such situations disappears.

    A person only deserves a second chance when they acknowledge past mistakes, and have grown enough they want (and demonstrate) a serious chance to fix things.

    We never owe someone who treats us with little regard a response. Especially in a situation when they acted poorly previously

    #732146 Reply
    Natalia Noble

    I wouldn’t give the time of the day if I was you. there is plenty of fish in the sea. keep your distance and look for what you really want. with this guy you are only wasting your time and setting yourself up for disappointment.

    #761042 Reply
    R.

    I saw someone for a year.

    In the last month it turned out he was sleeping with his ex again. I left the door wide open for them.

    He booty calls me. I pass them off. Normally, end of.

    The latest time he contacted me he told me he he was on his own again. It started as a late night invitation for coffee! He became very persistent. He sent a message telling me I was rude for not answering his calls. He told me to seize the moment because I wasn’t getting any younger. He reminded me of a time I got drunk in his company and told me I OWED him!!!

    I told him I was very tired after a late night but would love a coffee and catch up another time. Then he became very explicit, telling me I’d regret missing out and how much I’d surely love to feel him up against me.

    I said I was not a one night stand, that I would love to see him properly if he wanted, but otherwise to leave it be, I was going to sleep.

    Needless to say he has been radio silent since.

    I should never have answered in the first place. I was devastated when we ended, we got on so well. He was clever, funny, kind, affectionate… but that person never existed.

    Reading this thread was a comfort. Thanks for everyone’s shared experiences and advice.

    Hope you’ve met someone wonderful now.

    The one you adore AND who wants you (all of you, not just part of you, or an ideal of you) is the one who deserves you. You deserve NOTHING less. In the meantime, treat yourself that way. Love All of you.

    Peace.

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