I’ve been seeing a guy for about six months now. Everything in the relationship is great- we get along, we have fun together, we just get each other. The only thing is he won’t commit to me. He said he wasn’t hooking up with anyone else, only me, but he’s not ready to use titles. I know his last relationship ended badly, so that might be part of it. I just don’t get it, the relationship is so great in every way aside from this.
How do I get him to commit to me?
Here is a universal truth about both men and women: People only step up to do something when they’re inspired to and/or feel it’s necessary.
In your situation the problem is clear: He’s already getting what he wants.
He knows you’re not going anywhere. He knows that there’s no urgency to change anything about your arrangement because you’re clearly not going anywhere.
It’s not that he’s a bad guy. It’s not that he wants to take advantage of you or take you for granted. It’s simply that you’re graciously accepting how things are even though this isn’t what you want.
You might think that you’re doing a favor for your relationship in the long run. You’re not.
The fact is, you’re lying to yourself and to your guy if you’re putting on a happy face on the surface but deep down are feeling that you want or need better.
If a guy says he “doesn’t want a relationship” or “to be exclusive” or “to be official” or to marry you…He means it.
Just because he says he isn’t hooking up with anyone else doesn’t mean you need to stop exploring your options. Until he puts a label on it, you’re free to do what you want.
It’s amazing to me, but there are so many women who just commit to guys that have specifically said that they’re not committed to the relationship.
The women hope and pray for things to change, but again, why would they change if the guy has everything he would get from a girlfriend without the title?
MORE: When a Guy Won’t Call You his Girlfriend
When a man says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, he means it. The reason doesn’t matter – the reason is just to soften the blow. The real message always is: I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.
The “trick” is to never treat that guy like a priority when you’re only an option to him.
In other words – if he hasn’t chosen you as the one, then you need to make sure that you have options as well. This is for a few very important reasons:
Men want to be with a prize. Heck, women want to be with a prize too; we like to be with people who are a cut above the rest.
Well a prize is something that not only needs to be won, but could also be lost to someone else if a guy doesn’t bring his A-game.
A lot of women don’t give men the opportunity to bring their A-game. The women see the slightest glimmer of a chance for a relationship and they shut down all other options.
When you see guys stepping up and locking down a woman in a relationship—whether it’s getting the girlfriend title, moving in together, or even marriage—the man knows that if he doesn’t commit and move forward, he could lose the woman.
Now let’s talk about your relationship.
There is this idea out there that men are anti-relationships. This isn’t true at all. A man will happily get into a relationship, as long as it’s the right relationship.
The right relationships to a guy is one where his needs are being met and he’s delighted with the relationship because it fulfills him and meets his desires. So if you are going to put your focus anywhere, don’t focus on getting his commitment or a relationship title.
Focus on having a great relationship. Having a great relationship means that that when you spend time together, you and he feel good about it. It really is that simple.
A lot of women take a goal-driven approach to relationships and focus solely on having the relationship hit a certain milestone. They meet a man and then they immediately start thinking about the goal they want to get to achieve within the relationship:
“I want him to call me his girlfriend.”
“I want him to become exclusive with me.”
“I want to move in with him.”
“I want him to give me a ring.”
“I want to have children with him.”
The fact of the matter is that when you have these objectives, it actually blocks you from having a good relationship because relationships happen in the moment. The way a man evaluates a relationship is how he feels in the moment.
You are better off enjoying the time that you spend with him in the present and appreciating him for who he is right now. When you are there present with him in the moment, he won’t feel pressured and will feel more at ease with you.
He is going to feel relaxed, calm, and happy in the relationship, which is ultimately what every man wants to feel in his relationship. The better he feels when he’s with you, the more time he will want to spend with you.
MORE: 5 Signs He’ll Never Commit
If you are obsessed with reaching some sort of a milestone, if you have an agenda and aren’t able to be present and enjoy the moment with him, he is going to put his guard up towards you. He is going to feel like you are not actually with him and that you are trying to manipulate him in order to get what you want. People intuitively … (continued – Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Commit?)