I have been dating this one guy for about two years now, off and on. When we first started dating, he chased after me and took me out to expensive dinners and such. In the beginning, I told him that I didn’t want a relationship and after that its all been downhill.
We do date other people but for some reason we always come back to each other and date off and on. He doesn’t call unless I call him first and then he starts the conversion about us hanging out and making plans. I haven’t talked about a relationship with him for a couple years now but I’m sick and tired of this off and on thing. We don’t break up or anything we just loose touch and then reconnect somehow.
His friends have made comments to my friends like “they are probably gonna end up together.” Does that seem like that he talks about me to his friends? What can I do to take this to another level? Should I just outright talk to the guy? I don’t want to scare him off. And if he says that he doesn’t know how he feels or ‘lets see where this goes,’ does that mean he isn’t interested? After two years a guy should know.. right?
Overall does it seem that the guy is interested in me? Do you think it’s wrong to tell him that either something happens with us or that’s it and we need to go our separate ways? I feel bad because I feel that I’m giving him an ultimatum.
Oh by the way, we haven’t slept together, so its not a booty call, I think!
See our guy’s response after the jump!
First off, you say that you fall out of contact with him and then somehow you reconnect. Keep in mind, it’s not “somehow”. You are part of what’s happening every step of the way, so when you fall out of touch both of you are responsible for that. When you reconnect, you are both talking to each other too. Just remember to keep in mind how you fit into all of this and what you have been doing when you fell out of contact and when you got back together.
Second, you said that two years ago, you two started getting into a relationship of sorts, but you said you didn’t want a relationship. I would say it’s reasonable to expect that a guy will not totally invest in a relationship with a woman who’s said that she doesn’t want a relationship. And since he’s not totally investing in you, the behavior you see from him isn’t totally committed.
You asked me if I think he talks to his friends about you… I’m sure he does. People talk – it’s just how people are. But the fact is neither one of you has made a commitment to the other.
Where the relationship is now, I could see it being one of two scenarios: Either he wants to keep it where it is, as in, he likes how it is and wants nothing more or he would be open to something more but doesn’t think that’s what you want.
I believe that in this case the only way you’re going to know is if you discuss it with him frankly. My opinion is that having a frank discussion with him is the only way to get off the fence about this particular relationship. Something along the lines of: This is how things started, this is how things have gone so far, this is what I am thinking now, what are your thoughts on the whole thing?
And then listen. Even if you want to speak, listen some more. My bet is that once you’ve said your piece and you listen fully to his feelings on the matter, you will come to a decision. It may be that you commit to a relationship or it may be that you make a clean break from each other. Either way, you’ll be off the fence.
Just check in with yourself about what you really want. Start by getting clear within yourself about what you want (as best you can) and if you need a change, then talk it out. That’s the only way you’ll truly get clarity.
However, if both of you are taking cues from one another and neither one of you is making any firm commitment then things will continue to stay the way they have been into the future. Ultimately, you both have to claim responsibility for exactly what you’re doing and decide if it’s what you both really want.
Let me step back and give you a perspective on where it appears you’re coming from on this.
I realize you are asking me the question of whether or not I think something is there and if it could work. And I want to make clear that I cannot answer that question and I don’t think anyone can… Even if you had written me a 20 page e-mail… I still wouldn’t be able to tell you, nor could anyone else.
From what you’re asking, I get the impression that you want to get an answer that removes all doubt of what’s happening and removes any risk of you being hurt or disappointed. Truth is, I don’t think anybody can give you an answer like that.
I can say that if you talk to him, he will be able to clarify where he stands. It may or may not be an answer you would like, but you would have clarity and you could make a decision.
Sometimes relationships can remain ongoing for a long time because nobody says anything. Meanwhile, both people are not happy, but they don’t want to rock the boat. In a case like this, talking is not going scare him off – all it’s going to do is bring to light what both of you are already feeling.
Now, this is a much different scenario than a woman who’s been seeing a guy for six weeks and then wants to have a talk about whether they have a future together (as in, total commitment). It’s not unreasonable for a guy to want more time before having a discussion when he doesn’t feel like he knows the woman as deeply as he’d like.
But two years? I would have to assume you two know each other well and know the nature of your relationship. Anything that gets said at that point is stuff that each of you have felt and thought about for a while.
I can make a few suggestions about how you can talk to him about this without it turning to an ugly situation:
1) Stay calm and speak in a matter-of-fact manner.
2) Be a really great listener and take in what he’s saying.
3) Be as open as you can be for him to say anything
4) Go first – share how you feel and what your thoughts are. If you want him to be straight up, frank and honest with you, demonstrate it to him through how you talk about it. This will pave the way for him to act accordingly.
5) Be as clear as you can possibly be yourself on what you need before you have this talk with him.
If you are not prepared for things to change one way or another, don’t have this discussion yet. Get clear first. Talk to people close to you.
If you have thought everything through and want things to change (even if it means a clearly defined end to your relationship), then have the talk with him.
I realize that my response might not be as clean-cut as saying “Yes, he’s into you” or “No, dump him”, but this is the best response that I think you can get on a question like this. My opinion is your only move is to take ownership of the relationship, get clear on it with him and see it for what it actually is (versus speculating whether or not it is what you want it to be). Only then will you have the power to decide.
Hope it helps.
- eric charles