Ask A Guy: Am I Wasting My Time? post image

Ask A Guy: Am I Wasting My Time?


I was at a party with some friends, and one certain guy was there that was a friend of a friend. I had known him throughout high school but we never really spoke or spent time together. I was very much attracted to him and wanted to get to know him better. At the end of the night we ended up talking for hours and then impulsively slept together.

Not too much was expected afterward from either one of us. However, I spent the night at his house a few days later and we ended up hooking up again. The next day he sent  me a note saying that he was really sorry but he wasn’t in the right mindset to be in a relationship right now and we should start spending time as friends and nothing more. As upset as I was, I accepted it and was happy to at least still have him as a friend. I really feel like we have connected ever since then.  He shares everything with me, and me with him.

Over the next two months, we hung out as friends. We started to hook up twice but he immediately pulled away and said that he doesn’t want to hurt me.  He said he wants me and that he really likes me but he couldn’t see the relationship going anywhere since we were both planning on leaving at the end of the summer. However, neither of us is planning on leaving anymore, so I can’t understand why he still won’t commit.

I feel like he’s afraid of getting hurt- he battles with depression issues and doesn’t seem strong enough to handle any sort of disappointment. I just get very confused because he runs so hot and cold with me. One minute I feel like he’s changed his mind and wants to further our  relationship and make a commitment, but then he’ll pulls away. At this point, I’m not sure if I should wait it out and see where it goes because I’ve really started to like him and can see myself dating him. On the other hand, I feel like I’m wasting my time and it isn’t  fair to put myself through the constant disappointment.

Is he ever going to come around, or am I wasting my time? Does he really like me or is he just making up excuses to cover his fear of commitment or lack of interest??

Read on for our guy’s response!

You said that you knew of him, but didn’t really know him or talk to him till that first night you met him.  Then you slept together.  Then you met up a few nights later and then you slept together again. Then he tells you that he doesn’t want a relationship.  Now, it sounds to me like there must have been something that gave him the impression you were interested in some kind of future.  At least, he interpreted something as meaning that.

You said that he is dealing with depression.  If this is the case, then being in a relationship is definitely something he is not looking for.  Why?  If he is extremely unhappy with his life, his primary focus is going to be on working out his problem.  And generally speaking, men do not want an audience for this.

With this section, I don’t typically give advice. I try to give a perspective on the situation and to inspire you to gain your own insights.  My hope is that those insights will leave you (as the reader) feeling inspired and able to confidently make a decision one way or another.

In this case, I would say that pursuing a relationship with him would be a bad idea.  Be a good friend.  Give him space.  Let him work out his issues and if he comes back around and pursues a relationship with you, great.  Truth is, having a relationship is probably the furthest thing on his mind right now.

If you were to fall into a relationship with him, you would run a high risk of your relationship falling into the role of “patient and caretaker”.  “Patient/Caretaker” relationships are founded on neediness, insecurity and unhappiness and the roles become habits, which actually perpetuate the neediness, insecurity and unhappiness.  My opinion is that it’s better to avoid this completely and be friends and only friends.  Give him space, be a good friend and let him do whatever he needs to get better on his own.

It’s a weird thing.  Men actually want to be with a woman who won’t settle for less than their best.  On a subconscious level, we know that being with a woman who challenges us to be our best is good for us because it motivates us to be on our “A” game.

When you pursue a relationship with a man when he is at his worst, he knows (on a subconscious level) that this would be a bad relationship to be in.  You see the potential in him – you believe that if he could just “snap out of it,” that he would be a wonderful man and that he would see how wonderful you are.

In his depression, all he sees is that he hates himself and thinks he is the most worthless person on the face of the planet.  When you pursue a relationship with him, he sees you as a woman who wants to be with the most worthless man on the face of the planet.  That is not a mold you want to be cast in.

The relationship that he wants is one where the woman will only settle for a great man.  From his perspective, being with a woman who doesn’t settle for less means that he has a motivation outside of himself to “snap out of it.”  He doesn’t want a woman who validates his depression – he wants a woman who will expose the depression for what it is: an illusion of modern day luxuries.

I’ve said in previous Ask a Guy entries that the more effort you put into a relationship, the more you end up attached the person.  More investment leads to more attachment.  So if you spend your time pouring your heart and soul into wanting him and trying helping him and meanwhile he’s spending the majority of his time feeling sorry for himself, then it’s only logical that you’ll end up frustrated with the arrangement.

Anyway, this is all just my opinion.  It may have been blunt and it may not have been what you want to hear, but this is just my opinion and ultimately you’ll make the decision that’s right for you.

– eric charles

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gabby

I understand what you mean about the man wanting a girl to want him at his best but I also feel once you spent time and feelings towards that man you should be with at his worst or best. It shows him that when life gets hard no matter the circumstance this chick stays. And one day he might repay it.

Reply December 16, 2014, 12:13 am

hayley

so me and my ex talked for 4 months and dated for three well the girl he was with befor me he had been with for 4 years well she cheated on him and then broke up with him. he started talking to me.about a month later but we didnt date for a while longer. well recently he broke up wit me bc he said it not fair to me bc he still has feelings for his ex.. is there any chance me and him might get back together of i wait on him i am willimg to wait on him. we havent talked since he broke up with me i want to give him his space and time to think with out me getting in the way..

Reply December 2, 2014, 12:19 pm

Chana

i wanted to ask from a man out look if my boyfriend is cheating. My man tells me to come stay the night with him but that i would have to leave that next morning because he has to work and he doesnt want me to have to stay at his house with his mom and brother that he dont get along with?

Reply November 2, 2014, 4:14 pm

Shianne

Hi, I’ve been seeing this guy since February but known him since October. Lately he thinks that we spend too much time with each other. I only see him at the weekends. I’ve asked him if he wants to end things then let’s not beat around the bush. Let’s not waste each other’s time. He constantly tells me that that’s not what he wants. He’s still learning. His previous relationship was for 3 years and he seen her like twice every other week. I feel like he wants me in a cabinet for when he’s ready to have me. I’ve told him this and he doesn’t understand where I get this from. I’m sooooo confused, NEED ADVICE!!! Thanks

Reply October 25, 2014, 6:48 am

Nina

Hi There!

I have been an “Ask a guy” reader for the past 3 years and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve started do follow the blog between relationships when I’d just split up with someone and met this other guy. I was a mess thinking that I wasn’t good enough or about the mistakes I was making in my relationships. I subscribed the mailing list and did read every single article Eric wrote about relationships. I like Sabrina but I gotta say that Eric is sharp and right when he says that we should stop obsessing with failing relationships and give ourselves some peace of mind.

Through Eric’s advices I’ve learned how to love myself, be more confident and less neurotic. I’ve decided to trust my own instincts and respect that not only a guy needs time to commit as I do myself too. So why not just go with the flow?

All of a sudden I wasn’t sad anymore, I was happy to find out that I was interesting and it didn’t matter anymore if a guy would text me back or not. I decided to date other guys too and stopped to bet all my chips in this one single guy that I barely knew. My mobile wasn’t ruling my life anymore!! And if I had a night out with my friends, I would enjoy more their company too.

After a while that guy I was getting to know started to show more interest on me. He kept repeating how nice it’s to talk to someone smiling, happy, of a light soul. Our relationship grew larger from eventually dating to officially together. We have been together for the past 3 years and in July he popped the question out! We are getting married in 2016 and our families are just having a blast of happiness for us both.

Maybe it was our destiny, I agree. However I do want to thank Eric for making me a better mate and a better woman too. My advice to other readers: stop misreading his advices. Have an open mind above all. Instead of guessing a guy’s reason, instead of expending money with omens, read the articles once, twice, as many times you need. We girls are brought up to believe that we can change a guy’s mind or that whatever is written in the magazines is the absolute truth. Well, it’s not! Learn with Ask a Guy by meditating about his words because there are no hidden messages, that’s simple as he says. You won’t get it if you don’t break your own paradigmas!

Thank you Eric for everything! Not only you helped me as you have helped some of my friends too. When they came by for my advice, I’ve used what I’ve learned with you here. One of them just got married last month too!!

Love,

Reply October 15, 2014, 10:24 pm

Lolomcgee

?

Reply June 18, 2014, 12:26 am

Lolomcgee

So this guy ive been talkn to told me he was coming over, finally after several hrs of me txtn n calln him he sends me a txt sayn sorry i fell aslepp…. Should i be concerned? Should i b mad? He knew how much i missed him n wanted to see him

Reply June 18, 2014, 12:22 am

samantha

Hi,
I met this guy online and found out our parents are friends anyways we had a first date he wanted to take spend the whole day with me but I ended up getting called into work and so we just hung out in the night…it was really good and we ended up sleeping together…so from then we would meet up and sleep together we did this for about a month then I asked if he wanted something more and he didnt reply so I went a little crazy lol and came up with the assumption that he was just seeing me for sex and he said I was always the one who asked…which is kind of true…he ended up breaking it off which I was heart broken over cause I really like him…anyways a few months ago he started talking to me again and I found out he was seeing someone about 3 days after talking to me again he broke up with her and we hung out a couple of times…so we had sex….then we broke it off again cause he said he wasnt interested because a friend of mine msged him and said he shouldnt have been treating me the way he did he got all upset about it we had a massive fight over text didn’t actually ring each other so that was the second break….then recently every thing keeps reminding me of him so I thought ok msg him if he doesnt respond no biggy if he does great….so he did respond asking what I wanted and that he thought I hated him we were talking for a couple of days but I havent heard from him for about 2 npw I feel like a crazy person haha….I just wanna know if I should just let it go or keep pursuing hes told me hes not interested but he replys or is it he just wants sex….can you please help its driving me crazy lol

Reply April 21, 2014, 5:26 pm

Lori

I ran across a friend from high school on a dating website about 2 months ago. I took the chance and clicked on the “meet me” link. A few days later – he did the same. I waited for him to contact me – and after about two weeks he never responded. I dove in and emailed him. He remembered me from high school and said that he has passed me on our college campus walking – for exercise – the last year and a half. He said he never said anything before because he was shy until just now. We went on a long walk that night and talked for a while. Of course, I did the one thing I swore I would never do on a first date – but I also thought in my mind that it was kinda different considering that I knew him – even though I hadn’t seen him in 20+ years. At the end of the first reconnecting – not calling it a date really – he asked me if he could see me every night that week and work out together. I was excited about the idea and said yes. We were supposed to go work out that next night and I was getting ready to go work out so I asked him if he wanted to join me. He said he’d rather have us go out to dinner and have a real first date instead since we stayed up late the night before. That first week we didn’t spend every single day together – which was fine. But the thing that irritated me was that he would plan out a date the night before and then the next day – but no time. I would have to ask him if he still wanted to get together and if not that it was ok. He was always late and never followed through with anything. But always said that he wanted to see me again and liked me. The last time we saw each other was Thanksgiving night. That last night was weird because he usually planned out something for the next time – even if it didn’t happen (which I called him out on it several times) – and that last time he didn’t. So he kissed me good bye (always hugged me and kissed me hello & good bye) and gave me a hug. I said see you soon as I walk back to my apartment. I texted him when I got in – because I forgot to thank him for the date – and said that I had a good time and would love to see him again. He texted me back and said that he did too and was sorry for being non existent. I told him that I understood – as he has bipolar type ii. That was the last time I heard from him. In the course of a 8 days I sent him 2 emails and 4 text messages – as at the beginning I waited for him to contact me. I have received zero text messages or responses to my emails – and he has been online on the dating website. I knew that he sincerely liked me because anyone who has a mental disorder doesn’t just go around and tell anyone that, as when he told he he asked me if it scared me away.

I know I should move on – but why is he pulling away and being distant? I have not perceived being needy or anything else that girls do, other than wanting to know what was going on with dates that were planned but weren’t being played out.

We had 4 great (3 actual) dates in the course of 3 almost 4 weeks. It seems that most of my relationships only last up to 3 or 4 weeks. How can I change this?

What is your advice?

Reply December 10, 2013, 7:52 pm

Meghan

Love this article! Anytime I find myself in some sort of complicated relationship situation I always come back to this article. It’s great to read your perspective keep them coming!!

Reply August 26, 2013, 9:05 pm

Alexia

Been in the same predicament, met a guy ended up sleeping together a few times. Everytime it got close to turning into a relationship he’d pull away and defensively pull the shutters down on me.
His latest excuse was he doesn’t see the relationship going anywhere – sound familiar? And that he only see me as a friend..

But in a drunken conversation last week I was finally told the real reason, that he already has a girlfriend and he’s been with her for months. I had fallen head over heels for this guy, and I felt sick to my stomach finding out I’d been the other woman all along.

Yet here I am telling him I’ll wait if there’s a chance we’ll be together, I know I’m being a complete fool and nothing will happen I just don’t seem to have the strength or courage to walk away which is pathetic.

Reply August 9, 2013, 5:04 am

lilly

have been in a relationship for a year. My boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. I really saw the red flags, but with his up-bringing, past history, and circumstances, I over looked issues. Until the breakup. He started being rude, disrespectful, flirting, trying to make me jealous, breaking plans, not keeping his promises, breaking up only t o recant, and tell me it would be too sad. Up until the breakup, he told me he slept with me because at that time he didn’t have a a choice. And, that he liked sleeping alone, and not to have to worry about taking all the bed. He kept making excuses telling me I was too religious, did not listen to him, and I was dumb. So I agreed to breakup, but he then changed his mind. Then he would say things like
we should sell our homes and get one together – totally getting me off guard. Finally I had enough. I told him I was leaving and never coming back. He got angry and abusive and did not ask me to stay and work things out. I am moving on. I want to remain friends, and wondering what you think about this. ALSO, sex was almost nil. He only wanted self gratification, and would rather watch porn. He mentioned all his friends wanted younger women, and they have them and are lucky. He thinks this is the norm. I hope they broke the mold on this one. He would come over for dinner, and then leave. He would look at his watch like he had something going on. I suspected cheating. Please advise. Thank you

Reply March 1, 2013, 2:40 pm

lilly

I have been in a relationship for a year. My boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. I really saw the red flags, but with his up-bringing, past history, and circumstances, I over looked issues. Until the breakup. He started being rude, disrespectful, flirting, trying to make me jealous, breaking plans, not keeping his promises, breaking up only t o recant, and tell me it would be too sad. Up until the breakup, he told me he slept with me because at that time he didn’t have a a choice. And, that he liked sleeping alone, and not to have to worry about taking all the bed. He kept making excuses telling me I was too religious, did not listen to him, and I was dumb. So I agreed to breakup, but he then changed his mind. Then he would say things like
we should sell our homes and get one together – totally getting me off guard. Finally I had enough. I told him I was leaving and never coming back. He got angry and abusive and did not ask me to stay and work things out. I am moving on. I want to remain friends, and wondering what you think about this. ALSO, sex was almost nil. He only wanted self gratification, and would rather watch porn. He mentioned all his friends wanted younger women, and they have them and are lucky. He thinks this is the norm. I hope they broke the mold on this one. Thank you

Reply March 1, 2013, 2:35 pm

Reminded

There is some pretty deep wisdom you impart here. The whole “the more effort you put into a relationship, the more you end up attached the person” quote made me think, wow that is very true. Apparently, all one needs is read it to realize it. Nicely done!

Reply September 13, 2012, 4:43 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks I really appreciate that. I really try hard to get everything across in a way that’s simple but packs a punch. I try – always nice to hear that it connected with you. Thank you for the comment.

Reply September 13, 2012, 8:53 pm

Siobhan

I need help badly the man I’m in love with has broken up with me twice but neither of us could stay away. We met again and he told me he loved me in front of all our friends and begged me to forgive him we spent the night having a laugh but the next day he didn’t want to know. I could see the depression in him but only yesterday he realised it and has went to the doctors thank god. He told me I don’t deserve some one like him and he cares too much to hurt me and needs space as he has messed up everything in his life but I love him and I know he loves me. He has major commitment issues from a past abusive relationship help

Reply August 25, 2012, 1:48 pm

ilicia diaz

read!!!!! WAStING T IMe !!!!!!

Reply August 24, 2012, 10:14 pm

Prettybroken

This is such an excellent perspective. I have a habit of getting involved in patient/caretaker type relationships. After my last relationship ended, I’ve had a lot of trouble trying to make sense of things. When I get really down and confused I always refer back to this article. It explains what happens on a subconscious level, which is really what most girls are trying to figure out. Thank you for writing this!

Reply August 16, 2012, 4:09 pm

Kathy

I dated a guy and we completely fell for each other. I was 17 at the time and he was 23 so my parents made us end it and both of us were heart broken. Many months went by and I turned 18, so I contacted him. My parents are fine with us dating now… At first he was so excited and told me how he missed me blah blah blah… and then all of the sudden he was freaking out and saying how he doesn’t want a serious relationship anymore and I should just find someone who isn’t so messed up. He battles with depression, which I knew a long time ago. I don’t know if I should give up??? We made plans to hang as friends but the day we were supposed to hang he never replied to my texts or anything. I don’t want to bother him and I feel like he’s telling me to go away but I feel like that’s just because he’s scared of being hurt again???

Reply August 13, 2012, 5:08 pm

rangel

I think the information you provide is awesome!! I’m just starting to “date” again after being in a relationship for 10yrs. I wish I had this information before but am excited to have it now. I plan to use the information to enhance my romantic endeavors. Don’t worry I will only use the information for good ;)! I can’t wait!! For the first time I feel like I know what’s going on in a. Man’s mind.

Reply July 28, 2012, 9:35 pm

Lara

I have read many write-ups on relationship sites. And you give great advise Eric ! :)

Reply July 10, 2012, 4:23 am

Eric Charles

Thanks – I appreciate that.

Reply July 10, 2012, 12:18 pm

wannabeezinthetrap

I met a guy through a mutual friend, We will call him #M.

I have also been in a relationship for over 3 years with a different guy(we will call #T), whom I met after meeting #M. Anyways, dated #T with no hiccups for 3 years. We were in the process of breaking up when I stumbled on #M again after all these years.

See #M and I always were attracted to each other, yet never acted upon those emotions. So Naturally seeing each other after years brought about a new burst of familiar emotion.
We have an obvious physical and sexual attraction and We could not keep our hands, eyes or minds off each other. We decided to start dating. This was May 5th, 2012, we have been dating for over a month now. We mutually agreed to not have sex until at least 90 days.
I have spent the night at his house and we have fooled around but no sex. Last weekend we had plans to hang out on Saturday and he stood me up. I saw him the next day and he swore he would make it up to me, he was so sorry and blah blah blah. Texts have been cut back dramatically and this weekend he didn’t call me at all. He texted me Sunday night and said “whats up baby??” WTH!! I have not talked to him since Friday night and I will not be calling him at all whatsoever. My question is WTF happened??

important points:
* told him him and my bf were broken up and that he was moving out at the end of the month
* we told each other that we would be 100% honest no matter what
* he voluntarily ran game on me and told me that I was the only one he was seeing

Reply June 18, 2012, 3:10 pm

Michelle

He probably got nervous or since you guys haven’t talked in such a long while he didn’t know how else to say hi to you. Perhaps saying “Hi!!” spontaneously would kind of bring that sense of friendliness and familiarity.

At least that’s what my guy did for me.
I haven’t texted him for a couple of days (1-2 days) and suddenly he just texts “Hey?! What’s good!!” I’m sure my guy didn’t want to set a solemn mood by saying “hi” all meek and weak.

Reply June 22, 2012, 11:08 pm

wannabeezinthetrap

Just am update: It has been almost 4 months since we started this relationship. All I can say is, I am no longer confused whether or not I am wasting my time. The question now is am I wasting HIS time. 3 years vs. these last 4 months! Time to make some decisions!

LADIES~
I know it sounds cliche, but the best thing you cam do to “catch” the one you want is to OCCUPY your time and give him the minimum of your free time, and withhold from sex WITH HIM as LONG as you can. Do what you have to do to satisfy your needs. But do NOT give into him until YOU KNOW he’s as into you as you are to him.

Hang out, go shopping, take a class, work later hours, go work out, WHATEVER you have to do…. just be sure to OCCUPY yourself away from him!

TRUST ME!!!!!!

Reply August 25, 2012, 5:47 pm

Violette

Hi. I only just recently told a guy friend I’ve known for two and a half years that I like him. I’m in highschool btw. We are really close, and he has shown me absolutely every sign that he cares about me, but there’s one problem. He can’t decide his feelings. He has been in a relationship and had his heart broken before, and what makes it worse is the fact that the girl who did said heart breaking was in the exact same grade as me. Recently he told me he still has issues that way, along with some emotion problems relating to diabetes and doesn’t know if he can trust liking someone again. He told me that he wouldn’t tell me what he thought of me, because at the moment he said he has a lot of mental ‘paperwork’. So we decided to stay friends for now. Just yesterday I invited him to my house to watch some dvds with me and a couple of other friends in a few weeks. He literally jumped at the chance. He always stares at me a lot and smiles, we have really long eye contact. Most of the time he offers me his hand to get up at the end of lunch, and he hugs me alot. Is there a chance that he might come around? Could this work out ?? He is really important to me, and I genuinly care for him. Btw I’m 16 and he’s 15. Please reply, anything would be helpful!

Reply June 15, 2012, 3:29 am

KC

OK simi-similar situation… So I’ve “dated” this guy for about 2 months… We had one heck of a week. Everything went so smoothly, he was pursing me, calling me, texting me, non-stop… Then he fell off. Ok, yes, we did have sex (totally unexpected). Just meeting him was totally unexpected. We talked about it (the sex), and agreed everything was ok and we continued on.. About a week and a half later the calls stopped, but he still texted. He told me he had major issues going on, I inquired about them and he told me they were too deep. I said ok, well I’m here if you ever want to talk. I have absolute no problem with giving him space… Weeks went by and I hadn’t seen him, he still texted and I would too spuratically just to see how he was doing..(Texts were such as he missed me, wanted to see me and seeing how I was doing). Anywho, So finally after a month he said he wanted to see me ASAP, we did which was about a week ago, and he still showed the same interest, things were great.. But after that it went back to him being distant… I’m like WTH? So I asked him via text, Am I wasting my time pursing you and getting to know you?… only because that’s how I can reach him. I didn’t get any response…???

Reply May 24, 2012, 1:42 pm

Elizabeth

Okay so I am in a similar situation. I met this guy about 7 months ago. He goes to school about 2 1/2 hrs from me and neither one of us have a car. When he is home on break, his parents let him use one of theirs so he will drive and come visit me or pick me up and we hang out at his best friends house. We didn’t have sex until probably the seventh time seeing each other and at this point. I have already started to fall for him. We text everyday and he has been there for me through some of my toughest times. Recently however, I ended up telling him that I was falling for him. He thought I was joking as it was April fools day. When he realized I wasn’t he said there was no point seeing each other anymore, but then got upset when I didn’t fight him on it. His response was ” So you tell me this and when I tell you its over you have nothing more to say? He also asked me why I thought he was ready to hear that. I told him I told him because I wanted to be honest with him and he was like well there’s nothing more to say. I asked if we could be friends and he said no so I said okay if you want me out of your life I’m gone. I deleted him off facebook and I thought that was the end of it. Two seconds later he texts me, explaining how he wasn’t trying to be a d bag but he wasn’t good at this sort of thing. Offered to come see me at my work this summer and bring his friend with if that would make me more comfortable. I told him that wouldn’t be a good idea if he doesn’t want me in his life because that would just bring up hurt feelings. So then he said that he doesn’t see why we can’t be friends after all. I told him okay but I needed time and then he went back to acting how things were before? From a guys point of view what id going on? I have no idea what he is thinking now that he has done a complete 180. I haven’t talked to him in 4 days and even though I miss him, I won’t be contacting him for at least a couple weeks. Any advice?? Much thanks

Reply April 7, 2012, 5:14 am

Rachelle

I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and half now. 6 months ago he moved to a new city and we had long distance relationship. We caughtup almost every other weekend and had a great time. Then he started to act different a few months ago. He stopped being all cuddly and kissing me. I then found out that he had gone on vacations with his ex-girlfriend and he later aplogised for it. I thought we were back to normal now, but he says, he just wants to be friends now. His ex text saying she still wants him back etc, etc. I really love him and don’t want to be just friends. What should I do? I had made plans of moving to the new city to be close to him, but now, don’t know what to do as he says he may move from the city to another place for a diff job if he gets a new opportunity after 6 months. His stuff is still at my place as its costly to move to new city so he said he’d move here to sell it all and for his DIY projects, but also said it depends on where he finds the next good job. I miss him too much and just want to be with him.

Reply April 3, 2012, 9:08 pm

Michelle

I have been dating a man for about two months; the first 6 weeks were great. The last two he was working a lot of hours, so I knew he was busy. The problem however, was that when I would text him (not like stalker text – like maybe once every other day) he would takes 2 to 3 days to answer if he even bothered. When I explained to him that this made me feel like a bootie call.. He was very defensive and even went as far as to say that he was not receiving my texts. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

This last Monday he told me he really likes me and please don’t turn out to be crazy, because of the whole “no response” on the text messages. I am very laid back, not jealous, and believe in keeping your own identity even when in a relationship. So I was insulted. The conversation ended with him saying again he really liked me a lot and everything was fine he has just been busy with a ton of hours at work. Ok so no big deal to me.

Thursday he sent me a text at around 4 saying he just got home from work and asked me if I would like to talk to him soon J? I said definitely J I also told him I had to take a shower and I would text him when I was out.

I texted him once I was out of the shower and did not receive a reply. I figured he fell asleep since he was working so many hours. I told him sweet dreams and told him I would see him on the following day since we had made plans to see each other.

The next day came; still no response. I sent him a message asking him if he would still like to hang out together that night – still no response.

I let it go until around 8 pm that night I sent him a text saying I hope you are ok, and to take it easy. Still no response. About an hour or so later I sent the last text for the day which just said I “Is everything ok?” Then went out with friends. No answer.

By Saturday I was concerned so I texted him asking him if he was ok, and to please pay me the courtesy of telling me a simple yes or no answer and I would never contact him again – no response.

I don’t know what happened. I understand that he does not want to see me again, but I am not sure why and definitely not sure why he can’t be courteous enough to reply to a text asking him if he is ok.

I am so confused I don’t understand it at all.

After our first date, he said I was way out of his league. I don’t believe in “:leagues.” Maybe I should have taken his advice.

Can someone tell me what the heck happened and what I should do, if anything?

I am sad about this entire thing. I thought we were doing well. The worst part is I have no closure, I asked if he was ok, and no response. In fact I told him I wouldn’t contact him again I just wanted to know nothing terrible had happened, still no responsible. To me that is just immature. To me that is just someone who thinks so little of me that I am not worth a single word and I am worth that and much, much more.

Fierytopaz

Reply March 12, 2012, 1:02 am

Luisa

I hate when guys do that.
You know, I was dating this guy for 1 month, now he’s not texting anymore…I feel really sad to be honest but I will not send him anything, and I was right, I wasn’t even sure of having sex with him, it was good I didn’t, well, whatever happened I just decided to go on with my life and change it for good.
Men are silly, they never talk, they are so weird we always have to talk and they are just like little cowards and hide.
I don’t hate men, but that’s the truth!.

Reply May 2, 2012, 3:12 pm

Samantha Kay

I have been dating a guy on and off for the last 2 months, so it is a new relationship. I am 8 years younger than him, and not to mention he has 3 children that live with him full-time. (The mother is out of the picture) I already know what you are thinking, older man with children, so many variables and complications, etc etc. However, I have found that his attention towards his children is not a factor (and rightfully so his children should have his full attention), but more like his social life. He lives with his 3 children and his best guy friend that is like the children’s uncle. Recently though, and old friend asked to move into the extra room because she needed a place to stay. My boyfriend said yes, and for the first month she lived rent free. This girl roommate and my boyfriend are just friends and have no romantic history. My boyfriend is the kind of guy that has girls as friends and I have not ever felt threatened by any of his girl-friends EXCEPT this particular girl that has moved in. I believe that a lot of my jealousy was at first all in my head, until the girl overheard us arguing about how I didn’t feel comfortable with her living there. At that point, I swear she heard that she made me jelous and totally started messing with me, and it was obvious. I kept telling my boyfriend that she does this and this, and he doesn’t realize it and thinks I am crazy. This girl will stare at us from across the room when we show affection, she will randomly get up and stand right in front of us, sit in between us on the couch. My boyfriend insists it’s just a brother and sister friendship, but this girl has started to intentionally do stuff to piss me off. I know that they go to happy hour together and are at some point by themselves at the house. I cannot give him an ultimatum, which I know it’s too early too anyways, so I am deciding to basically call it quits. Other issues I have is that he will go out and get drunk and not respond to my text or call until he gets home at night, and he says he won’t invite me because he is with his girl-friend/roommate and he knows I do not like her. I hate this, I tried to kill them with kindness a couple nights ago to make it a point to be cool around both of them and try to make them see that I am not bothered and I could tell it got her a little pissed. With that, I am just upset that my boyfriend still hangs out with this chick who is not even that good of a friend, and that he is not willing to make a compromise for me. She has recently started to pay rent, but my boyfriend could honestly do without her there, and its been longer than a month, and at this point she really should just find another place to live with chicks. It is driving me crazy, he mind fucks me, he will not answer my call or text for days, but just as soon as he wants to see me, he floods me with calls, texts, and guilt for not dropping everything to see him. I do nice stuff for him, go out of my way to see him upon his request’s, etc etc. He doesn’t have a lot of money lately so he also uses that as an excuse I think to avoid doing stuff with me, but I always reassure him that I don’t want to do anything that costs a lot of money either because I am on a budget. His kids are like second fiddle, a lot of times they are at family member or friends house. I have been giving him the silent treatment after his last stint of dodging my call and text this past weekend because he went out raging with his girl roommate and her best friend that is also a girl. He doesn’t get why I am giving him the silent treatment, and at this point it’s like beating a dead horse. I hate his girl roommate and hate that he still goes out and gets drunk when he’s like 30 something with 3 kids…

Reply February 22, 2012, 5:45 pm

Jess

eric you’re right on point i think. i was dating guy for a couple of months it started getting a little more serious in terms of me spending night, etc…anyway, he was going through a really busy patch at work and also has a serious custody issue w/ trying to get his daughter who is out of state. but after i spent the night last date he didn’t contact me for over a week. i let him know it was unacceptable and i wasn’t that type of girl to be used like that. he never responded…figured i would never hear from him again but two weeks later he contacted me said i’m great girl he had feelings for me but was very overwhelmed w/ work and the custody fight and was feeling depressed and mad over the custody stuff and that he would like to keep seeing me but needs to work out custody stuff first. and that he would call when it was over but would understand if i didn’t pick up. i just said i was there for him and i wished him luck. so i left door open for him to contact me. i kind of feel this shows me a ton of respect…am i crazy? i feel that he likes me too much to just see me casually right now when he can fit me in when he knows things are crazy in his life. and that he wants to be in better place before calling me. just not sure cuz some girls say i shouldn’t have been so nice about it. i dont’ know why some girls don’t get that guys deal w/ emotions differently than we do….do you think i’m handling this correctly and do you feel like i do that he is being legit?

Reply January 1, 2012, 9:08 pm

angeldixon

Well I’ve been seeing this guy for over a month the other day he said he was getting to close and didn’t know how to Handel it. He said you know I like you alot and told me not to give up on him he don’t text that much anymore tells me I have nothing to sorrow about should I keep Texting him letting him know I care or what should I do. Im so confused. I really care about him.

Reply December 22, 2011, 2:00 am

lental

guys are pigs and they are stupid idiots. girls we need to stop letting them control us like we are there pets

Reply November 25, 2011, 12:40 pm

Eric Charles

My my my…

Reply November 25, 2011, 1:28 pm

Kathy

I dated a guy and we completely fell for each other. I was 17 at the time and he was 23 so my parents made us end it and both of us were heart broken. Many months went by and I turned 18, so I contacted him. My parents are fine with us dating now… At first he was so excited and told me how he missed me blah blah blah… and then all of the sudden he was freaking out and saying how he doesn’t want a serious relationship anymore and I should just find someone who isn’t so messed up. He battles with depression, which I knew a long time ago. I don’t know if I should give up??? We made plans to hang as friends but the day we were supposed to hang he never replied to my texts or anything. I don’t want to bother him and I feel like he’s telling me to go away but I feel like that’s just because he’s scared of being hurt again???

Reply August 13, 2012, 5:11 pm

Aurora

?_?

Reply January 24, 2012, 5:37 pm

Luisa

WOW!! YOU ARE SO RIGHT…BUT TELL ME, WHEN WILL THIS HAPPEN?

PFFFF…..WISH COULD HAPPEN FOR REAL!

Reply May 2, 2012, 3:14 pm

Robin

I am 46 years old and have been living with my 51 year old boyfriend for three years. He constantly says he wants to marry me but has not asked. He has had me look for rings on three different occasions to back out on purchasing later due to finances (he says). Recently, we found a ring and he decided not to buy it saying that he needed to save money. A couple of weeks later he poped up in the morning saying “B” I want to get a theatre put in and now is the best time. He paid a great deal of money for this and a lot of it was cash (4 times the cost of my ring). I am a full-time student and working full-time with a graduation of May 2012. I do all the housework, cook and do things around the house that a man should do. He does nothing but watch tv, have a drink and sleep. Should I just call it quits and move? I do love him and hate to start this dating thing all over again. I am an attractive woman and decided to make a change and go for the not so attractive man that was a good person (hoping for a better outcome).

Reply October 26, 2011, 1:18 pm

Luisa

Change him….some men just need maids and that’s not fair to us!
There are so many fishes on the sea anyway!

Reply May 2, 2012, 3:18 pm

Robyn

Hey Angel,
It sounds like there is only one thing to do, and you already know what it is. This guy is a control freak, and sounds like crazy wife-beater chauvinist. GET the heck out of that relationship!! Leave him and never look back- you’re worth way more than that!!
– Robyn

Reply September 1, 2011, 6:08 pm

Angel

I have been seeing this guy for a yr n half. I love him dearly. We (i thought) hit it off right away.. I was scared to feel for someone and his story was the same.. He began staying with me almost immidiatly like with in a week.. In 9 months we was intimiate on maybe 3 occasions and only one did he finish. He always had an excuse on y he didnt want to be. With no warning one night he left..he went to a VERY younger girl an x, which is not very attractive but very thin.. Where i have curves and as the guys say” kinda Thick”.I weight 135pd 5ft tall.. never the less her and I was becoming friends.I knew but had no evidence they was together.. till one nite he told me and her and i got into a physical fight.. he intiesed it!!!. I sent him pics of her with my nephew(her cover up) and a week later I took him back.. We was together and he treated me so bad!!! CONTROLLING.. “WOMAN HAVE PLACES AND SPEAKING IS NOT ONE OF THEM” he had never spoke to me or acted so ….. He kinda proposed on face book one nite out of the blue…said he wanted to take us to the next level… ya blah blah and blah.. THE NEXT NITE. he went to work and i found on fb a message from another VERY young girl that the message was for her!!! She lives in another state…WE SPLIT!!! 2 months later WE GOT BACK TOGETHER..he wanted tobe with me,, he missed me and he needed help with bills cause the house we was getting when we split the last time he couldnt afford cause ya the other girl didnt move here.. So I MOVE IN and we get back together.. everything was good for bout 2 weeks then couplke times he didnt come home right away with exuses like he went out to eat with co-workers or he got stuk behind semis moving a house for 2 hrs…. then one nite he was called into work on his day off.. I had planned a romantic evenin for us and then changed everything around till he got off at 12pm well 1:30 came and he still wasnt home not answering my text or calls… So at 2:30am I desided to go to a fire wit co-workers..I was at the party litterally 2min and he called..i told him where i was and if he was on his way home i was too…He said we was done and only roommates… We sleep together have sex ( when he wants it) I am not to bring it up period, I do his laundry, I cook clean,he wakes me up n middle of nite to go to store and cook him food… He still communicates with the out of state girls mom( but not the girl)..I dont know what to do…. He says he doesnt want a relationship with me or anyone…. Honestly he dont go anywhere to spend time with anyone else… he goes to work and comes home… WHAT DO I DO? HE is still controlling like im not aloud to drink..and he is always thinking im having sex with someone else.. PLZ HELP ME

Reply August 7, 2011, 9:16 am

NIce

hi

Reply June 17, 2011, 12:54 am

keisha

Hi my name is keisha
I met my kids dad ten years ago, we been together for seven years since we got back together. We live together for now six years with two kids. Our situation is I been ready to get marry but his not. He in the pass have bought it up( I am going to give you example ) keisha where do you want to get marry , my reply will be in the state where we live and the min I turn and ask him when he will this happen or year his answer is when it happen it happen n you will know then. Once he told me we’ll be marry once our son turn three and his going to be four. To make it short … Just two months ago he told me to chose a ring , so many time he play with my emotion that this time I didn’t pay him no mind. When he told me to show him a style the first thing I told him was , look everything been going great between u and I and I don’t want to mess that up because you know how serious I am about marriage. He then said you can do something that simple. I really mean it this time. The following day he ask me to show him one and I could. So now is monday and his like it doesn’t matter , because at the end is up to the man to chose the ring. Later on that day we were heading to the mall and I am sitting on the passager seat of course and he tell me to show him a ring , so I just show him one to see what would he have said. He said all he want was to see my taste for when that time come. Now how long should I have to wait. Or what decision should I make I love him and all but he can’t be playing with my feeling enough is enough !!!!

Reply March 31, 2011, 3:36 am

kayla bright

I was seeing this guy for about 9 months.We done everything together.We went places,seen movies,went to the beach, and alot more other stuff.After we slept together a couple times,he stopped texting me, calling me, even seeing me.I was hurt/crushed. :( . i don’t know what to do anymore.

Reply December 19, 2010, 1:23 am

Luisa

Men are weird, that’s the problem, and when we feel they are comfortable with us…THEY LEAVE!
Don’t get what’s going on in their heads!

Reply May 2, 2012, 3:16 pm

Abbi

My God, it’s like reading my life for the last 6 years. I do love this man, we have known each other almost 30 years, and have been good friends. It’s only in the last 6 that we started seeing each other.

I know that he loves me, but he won’t give in to his feelings. I pursue, I give and give and give and now I am so drained, I don’t have the strength anymore.

He has been so much since his divorce, 6 years ago, and I can’t believe some of the stuff he puts himself through. He is so much more than he allows himself to be, and that is the man I love. I see glimpses of that man, but not enough anymore for it to make a difference.

He won’t snap out of it and I want better for myself. I am 46 and know what I want. I am not desperate to be with anyone, I am content with my life, my job and my family. But growing old with someone I value as a friend, my best friend who doesn’t want that?

I have blamed myself for years; saying I am not good enough for him? That it’s just a sex thing and he gets mad and tells me that that isn’t it, it’s him.

And it is, it is him. He just isn’t at a point in his life where he feels he deserves a decent relationship and I am not sure he ever will be.

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

Abbi

Reply February 2, 2010, 1:24 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Jick-

I have been where you are- in a relationship that drained me on every level, with a guy who didn’t appreciate me, and in a situation that I knew I needed to get out of but just couldn’t. Part of it is you, a bigger part is him, and combined, it’s the relationship itself. You should be with someone who you can trust, who you feel secure with, and who brings out the best in you. From what you’ve written, you’re not getting any of that from this guy.

In these kinds of situations, it’s so easy to just cling onto the few good times- the nice gestures, the encouraging words- and to ignore the bigger picture which is that the relationship isn’t working. I know it’s hard. When I was in a similar relationship, I just couldn’t find the strength to walk away. Eventually, and inevitably, the relationship came to a very ugly and devastating end. When that happened all I could think about was the pain I would have spared myself if I had just let go earlier, when I knew the relationship wasn’t worth holding onto.

I think you really need to assess what you want, both our of life and out of a partner. You deserve someone who lifts you up, not someone who brings you down. This guy sounds very selfish and scattered. Obviously I’m only working with the information you provided, but it seems very clear that you need to walk away and I really hope that, unlike me, you find the strength to recognize that you deserve better.

I hope it all works out. Keep us posted!

Reply January 27, 2010, 8:31 am

jick

I have a similar story. I hooked up with my current boyfriend a year and a half ago. We met 8 years ago and had a strong interest in each other. Though, nothing could stem out of it because he was my brother’s friend and I moved to another province after. My brother was quite upset when we hung out. So, 1.5 yrs ago, he came to hang out with me because he was having problems with his girlfriend. Though he did not say much about their problems, I was trying to be a friend and told him to leave her then.
After hanging out a few times, I brought up how we use to have so much fun and how he wrote me this letter. I also told him I missed him. He also told me how hard it was for him 8 years ago when I left and wrote him a nasty letter. Telling him I only thought of him as a friend but I thought of him as more inside, just didnt know how to deal with a relationship when I was leaving.
So, 8 years now, we hooked up one night, very impulsively as well, I didn’t know what I was feeling. We just did it and I had to go out the same night. So, we parted. He called me the next morning to have a smoke and to talk, so I agreed to come out. He asked, “so… what happened last night…”. I didn’t know what the hell to say. I just said, we could go with the flow? Then his face changed and said, you know I have a girlfriend right? He asked if I did it because I was depressed. I just said, no, i actually had feelings for you. I just assumed you would leave her and come to me. But I dropped it with his answer.
He kept coming back and we hung out as “friends”. Until he started to come for sex. I got very upset and threw ultimatums at him. Stated very clearly, do not look for me if you’re still with her. He would bring gifts to my place to find ways to see me. I put my foot down quite strong as I said he can not keep coming to me if he is still with her. He said they broke up, but isnt sure about having a relationship with me. He said he needed time and I said fine. He said it’s not that I’m a second choice or anything. He has his issues to figure out. I left it for a couple of months and I asked how long does he need, he said 1 month. After 1 month, it was another ultimatum. This time he finally said, ok, I’m his girlfriend. We went out for dinner with his family and slowly, I was at his place a few more times.
His sister’s wedding was on the day I came back from my trip. However, he did invite me at all. I was expecting to go, but I knew something was up when he didn’t invite me. The day I came back, I met up with him and had a feeling his ex was there. I was right, at the end of the night, they we’re walking into his house together. He texted me and said he will be sleeping at his uncle’s. I texted him back with thank you for the lie, i was infront of your house, have a good night. He came over to my house and sat there for a long time dialing my number. I was so upset. I was in tears. Then finally I opened the door to tell him to leave and he was begging to talk. I was so upset. I said nothing can change what I saw. He wanted me to listen to his explanation. She was invited, but as a bride’smaid because his sister works with her. He did not sit beside her, did not take pictures, barely talked to her. She was very drunk so she needed to crash at his place after. I was so upset. I told him to leave me alone and he said that he waited so long for us to happen and that he gave everything up for us. Everything. He made one mistake. I said a lie is a lie. After that night, I said if he wanted to make it work, he had to bring me home with him. He said she’s leaving. And I said I want proof, so he brought me back to his house. She was gone. I couldn’t sleep that night. I was so upset and hurt. The next night, I went home and he spent days bringing me out and telling me how good i am to him.
I was to the point of numbness. Eventually, I forgave him and we spent the summer hanging out and I had to go on a stagette trip again. I went and came back to seeing text msgs and bbm msgs between them. That’s when I decided that I had to let go. He agreed. He said the relationship wasn’t working anyways because I get upset all the time at him. I said, yeah, I agree. And he did the same too. We were just not meant to be. I was quite hurt letting him go, but I thought that was the thing. I started to hang out with my friends again. I had parties to go to, and met some new people. Saw some old friends again, one guy that was being quite nice to me cuz he knew I was really sad about the break up.
Again, they were my brother’s friends and they were trying to cheer me up. One of them was single and was being nice to me. I sensed it. He cheered me up and said watch, when I leave, this guy will approach you. And it did happen. But I wasn’t in any mood to be with anyone. Just socialized and called it a night. Didn’t get drunk or anything like that.
After that night, I went out with the guy that cheered me up and we sorta hit it off I guess. I had good vibes and he was being very sweet. He asked me to go eat and I asked him to go skating. We had so much fun. I stayed at his place one night and he just hugged me to sleep. I was quite happy. He asked to go for the movies and I was happy. The only problem was, the other guy kept calling. He kept calling and calling. I called him back and he was upset. Asking why I didnt pick up his call or return his call. I said I was out. He was interrogating me to the point of who was i with, what was i doing. I just said friends. At that time, I didnt feel like I had a need to report to him because I was not his girlfriend anymore.
Soon, I had to deal with him and the guy that i started to develop feelings for. I didn’t know what to do. I was so frustrated. The other guy said, he thought he felt a good vibe, but maybe he was wrong so he’ll leave me alone. I told him its not, its just that I have to deal with other stuff. he said he understands and he’ll be patient. I then had to deal with ex…. He was very needy and was not wanting to let go. Started doing nice things, cook for me and etc. I didnt know what I was getting into. I wanted to see the other guy. I wanted to be with him. But I had to go back to tell my ex, he has to let me go.
The day I did that, he locked me in the washroom for 6 hrs and would not let me go until I told him who it was. I got tired and told him after 6 hrs. He was so hurt and started to bang his head on the wall. I felt heart broken too. I thought that me being the one in between him and his ex, I have to step away and move on… and when i did, he wouldn’t let me go.
He asked me to stay that night and I did. He told me that I was vulnerable and I fell for him because he was just trying to be nice when I was down. He didnt want to see me hurt. And that he is the one that really cared about me and loves me. I stayed with him. Soon the other guy new that I wasnt into that relationship and he called it game over.
Since then, it was better. My boyfriend started to treat me better. And he was much more happy and into the relationship. But I didn’t know what was going on. I kept some of my guards up. We continued to have fun, spend time together and saw each other every single day. He then had to take a trip with his mother for 1 month. Before he left, he gave me keys to his place/parent’s place. (he lives with his parents) He called me every single day or emailed me every day. One day, he said he’s ready for the next step. I wasn’t thinking of that at that time.
I continued to hang out with some girlfriends and friends that called. When he came back, we spent everyday, everynight together for 1 month. He bought me many little gifts from his trip. Wrote in his diary about me every day. I was pleased with his attention. Then during holidays, I started to notice it wasn’t eventful and nothing was ever planned.
I grew so attached to him, I just wanted to spend everyday with him. I was quite disappointed that NYE wasnt planned either.
He was laid off from his job 10 months ago and money has been a little bit of an issue for him. Which I try to cover the outtings as much as possible. He treated here and there, spent money here and there. Nothing calculated.
When practicum started for me, that’s when things changed. I spent all my time with him that I barely worked on my work. I work on it enough, but not enough. I was not happy doing it because it was like walking into a test without studying. I consoled him and asked him if i should continue, he said he was supportive of either way i chose. he said give it a couple more days first. I tried and I couldn’t make up my mind whether or not I could continue with it. I then called in sick and did not show up. I made some family excuse for not being able to go through with it.
I am quite depressed about how I behaved. I have anxiety and am quite lost because of my impulsive decisions. I don’t know where the problem is. Or I feel like it is my fault.

I couldn’t get my work done because I was constantly thinking about what he was doing and if he would be spending time wiht someone else because he cheated on his ex when she was studying. I feel that the relationship has somehow subconsciously instilled some kind of mistrust.
Is it me or the relationship? or both?

Reply January 27, 2010, 6:20 am

Candy

I totally agree with the male perspective. Why would you jump into bed with guy so fast especially if you wanted a serious relationship with him??? Fail.

Reply September 2, 2009, 12:15 am

Lissette

Bad situation:( 

I bumped into an old high school friend one night at a bar.  We  went to my friends house who was also there that night. We all had a nice time dancing drinking…. Don’t even know how it happened but he kissed me. It was the best feeling in the world. I thought of dodging the kiss, but once I felt his lips, I just couldn’t. We ended up sleeping together. 

I am single, and figured it wouldn’t hurt to have a “special” friend, besides, I felt comfortable with him since he’s been a long time friend (and he was single too). We have great chemistry, we’d see each other and text all the time, slept together a few more times….. This went on for about 4 months. One day I ask him to come out and hang out, he said he could, but the “wifey” (girlfriend) wanted to join…. I WAS SHOCKED! I had asked him a few times and everytime he denied having a girlfriend. 

Now that its all said and done, we still text and see each other regularly, we are no longer intimate(my choice and he respects that). If I’d let him, I’m sure he would, but I feel so guilty and can’t do it. Unfortunately I fell for him, and  is the reason I still keep in touch. 

He does what he’d never do before, calls me sweet names, tells me he misses me. We’ve been this way for almost three months now. I’m sure he knows it by now … he’s not getting any… I’m sure he’d stop talking to me if all he wanted was that. When I mention his girlfriend he always has negative things to say. Is he just using me because he is tired with his relationship (been with her for 6 years). Or has he really developed feelings for me? As much as I know I should stop talking to him for my sake, I can’t! I’ve tried. I don’t know what to do….

I did confront him when he confessed, he said he really wasn’t with her when we hooked up the first time. Eventually they got back together and he didn’t know how to tell me. Ugh. This is bad, I fell for him before I knew he had a girlfriend and now I’m finding it very hard to let go. He also tells me he can’t get me out of his head…. :/

Reply February 16, 2012, 12:34 pm

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