I was at a party with some friends, and one certain guy was there that was a friend of a friend. I had known him throughout high school but we never really spoke or spent time together. I was very much attracted to him and wanted to get to know him better. At the end of the night we ended up talking for hours and then impulsively slept together.
Not too much was expected afterward from either one of us. However, I spent the night at his house a few days later and we ended up hooking up again. The next day he sent me a note saying that he was really sorry but he wasn’t in the right mindset to be in a relationship right now and we should start spending time as friends and nothing more. As upset as I was, I accepted it and was happy to at least still have him as a friend. I really feel like we have connected ever since then. He shares everything with me, and me with him.
Over the next two months, we hung out as friends. We started to hook up twice but he immediately pulled away and said that he doesn’t want to hurt me. He said he wants me and that he really likes me but he couldn’t see the relationship going anywhere since we were both planning on leaving at the end of the summer. However, neither of us is planning on leaving anymore, so I can’t understand why he still won’t commit.
I feel like he’s afraid of getting hurt- he battles with depression issues and doesn’t seem strong enough to handle any sort of disappointment. I just get very confused because he runs so hot and cold with me. One minute I feel like he’s changed his mind and wants to further our relationship and make a commitment, but then he’ll pulls away. At this point, I’m not sure if I should wait it out and see where it goes because I’ve really started to like him and can see myself dating him. On the other hand, I feel like I’m wasting my time and it isn’t fair to put myself through the constant disappointment.
Is he ever going to come around, or am I wasting my time? Does he really like me or is he just making up excuses to cover his fear of commitment or lack of interest??
Read on for our guy’s response!
You said that you knew of him, but didn’t really know him or talk to him till that first night you met him. Then you slept together. Then you met up a few nights later and then you slept together again. Then he tells you that he doesn’t want a relationship. Now, it sounds to me like there must have been something that gave him the impression you were interested in some kind of future. At least, he interpreted something as meaning that.
You said that he is dealing with depression. If this is the case, then being in a relationship is definitely something he is not looking for. Why? If he is extremely unhappy with his life, his primary focus is going to be on working out his problem. And generally speaking, men do not want an audience for this.
With this section, I don’t typically give advice. I try to give a perspective on the situation and to inspire you to gain your own insights. My hope is that those insights will leave you (as the reader) feeling inspired and able to confidently make a decision one way or another.
In this case, I would say that pursuing a relationship with him would be a bad idea. Be a good friend. Give him space. Let him work out his issues and if he comes back around and pursues a relationship with you, great. Truth is, having a relationship is probably the furthest thing on his mind right now.
If you were to fall into a relationship with him, you would run a high risk of your relationship falling into the role of “patient and caretaker”. “Patient/Caretaker” relationships are founded on neediness, insecurity and unhappiness and the roles become habits, which actually perpetuate the neediness, insecurity and unhappiness. My opinion is that it’s better to avoid this completely and be friends and only friends. Give him space, be a good friend and let him do whatever he needs to get better on his own.
It’s a weird thing. Men actually want to be with a woman who won’t settle for less than their best. On a subconscious level, we know that being with a woman who challenges us to be our best is good for us because it motivates us to be on our “A” game.
When you pursue a relationship with a man when he is at his worst, he knows (on a subconscious level) that this would be a bad relationship to be in. You see the potential in him – you believe that if he could just “snap out of it,” that he would be a wonderful man and that he would see how wonderful you are.
In his depression, all he sees is that he hates himself and thinks he is the most worthless person on the face of the planet. When you pursue a relationship with him, he sees you as a woman who wants to be with the most worthless man on the face of the planet. That is not a mold you want to be cast in.
The relationship that he wants is one where the woman will only settle for a great man. From his perspective, being with a woman who doesn’t settle for less means that he has a motivation outside of himself to “snap out of it.” He doesn’t want a woman who validates his depression – he wants a woman who will expose the depression for what it is: an illusion of modern day luxuries.
I’ve said in previous Ask a Guy entries that the more effort you put into a relationship, the more you end up attached the person. More investment leads to more attachment. So if you spend your time pouring your heart and soul into wanting him and trying helping him and meanwhile he’s spending the majority of his time feeling sorry for himself, then it’s only logical that you’ll end up frustrated with the arrangement.
Anyway, this is all just my opinion. It may have been blunt and it may not have been what you want to hear, but this is just my opinion and ultimately you’ll make the decision that’s right for you.
- eric charles
Got a question? Send it to askaguy@anewmode.com and we’ll get you some answers!
Related posts:Ask A Guy: Is He Committed To Me?
Ask A Guy: Why Do Guys Vanish After A Great First Date?
Ask A Guy: Is He ‘Just Not That Into Me?’
Ask A Guy: Am I Too Old To Have A ‘Friend With Benefits?’
Ask a Guy: I Want the Guy That All the Girls Want
Ask a Guy: On and Off Relationship – Is it Meant to Be?
Ask A Guy: Good Guy Or Leftovers?
{ 1 trackback }
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I totally agree with the male perspective. Why would you jump into bed with guy so fast especially if you wanted a serious relationship with him??? Fail.
I have a similar story. I hooked up with my current boyfriend a year and a half ago. We met 8 years ago and had a strong interest in each other. Though, nothing could stem out of it because he was my brother’s friend and I moved to another province after. My brother was quite upset when we hung out. So, 1.5 yrs ago, he came to hang out with me because he was having problems with his girlfriend. Though he did not say much about their problems, I was trying to be a friend and told him to leave her then.
After hanging out a few times, I brought up how we use to have so much fun and how he wrote me this letter. I also told him I missed him. He also told me how hard it was for him 8 years ago when I left and wrote him a nasty letter. Telling him I only thought of him as a friend but I thought of him as more inside, just didnt know how to deal with a relationship when I was leaving.
So, 8 years now, we hooked up one night, very impulsively as well, I didn’t know what I was feeling. We just did it and I had to go out the same night. So, we parted. He called me the next morning to have a smoke and to talk, so I agreed to come out. He asked, “so… what happened last night…”. I didn’t know what the hell to say. I just said, we could go with the flow? Then his face changed and said, you know I have a girlfriend right? He asked if I did it because I was depressed. I just said, no, i actually had feelings for you. I just assumed you would leave her and come to me. But I dropped it with his answer.
He kept coming back and we hung out as “friends”. Until he started to come for sex. I got very upset and threw ultimatums at him. Stated very clearly, do not look for me if you’re still with her. He would bring gifts to my place to find ways to see me. I put my foot down quite strong as I said he can not keep coming to me if he is still with her. He said they broke up, but isnt sure about having a relationship with me. He said he needed time and I said fine. He said it’s not that I’m a second choice or anything. He has his issues to figure out. I left it for a couple of months and I asked how long does he need, he said 1 month. After 1 month, it was another ultimatum. This time he finally said, ok, I’m his girlfriend. We went out for dinner with his family and slowly, I was at his place a few more times.
His sister’s wedding was on the day I came back from my trip. However, he did invite me at all. I was expecting to go, but I knew something was up when he didn’t invite me. The day I came back, I met up with him and had a feeling his ex was there. I was right, at the end of the night, they we’re walking into his house together. He texted me and said he will be sleeping at his uncle’s. I texted him back with thank you for the lie, i was infront of your house, have a good night. He came over to my house and sat there for a long time dialing my number. I was so upset. I was in tears. Then finally I opened the door to tell him to leave and he was begging to talk. I was so upset. I said nothing can change what I saw. He wanted me to listen to his explanation. She was invited, but as a bride’smaid because his sister works with her. He did not sit beside her, did not take pictures, barely talked to her. She was very drunk so she needed to crash at his place after. I was so upset. I told him to leave me alone and he said that he waited so long for us to happen and that he gave everything up for us. Everything. He made one mistake. I said a lie is a lie. After that night, I said if he wanted to make it work, he had to bring me home with him. He said she’s leaving. And I said I want proof, so he brought me back to his house. She was gone. I couldn’t sleep that night. I was so upset and hurt. The next night, I went home and he spent days bringing me out and telling me how good i am to him.
I was to the point of numbness. Eventually, I forgave him and we spent the summer hanging out and I had to go on a stagette trip again. I went and came back to seeing text msgs and bbm msgs between them. That’s when I decided that I had to let go. He agreed. He said the relationship wasn’t working anyways because I get upset all the time at him. I said, yeah, I agree. And he did the same too. We were just not meant to be. I was quite hurt letting him go, but I thought that was the thing. I started to hang out with my friends again. I had parties to go to, and met some new people. Saw some old friends again, one guy that was being quite nice to me cuz he knew I was really sad about the break up.
Again, they were my brother’s friends and they were trying to cheer me up. One of them was single and was being nice to me. I sensed it. He cheered me up and said watch, when I leave, this guy will approach you. And it did happen. But I wasn’t in any mood to be with anyone. Just socialized and called it a night. Didn’t get drunk or anything like that.
After that night, I went out with the guy that cheered me up and we sorta hit it off I guess. I had good vibes and he was being very sweet. He asked me to go eat and I asked him to go skating. We had so much fun. I stayed at his place one night and he just hugged me to sleep. I was quite happy. He asked to go for the movies and I was happy. The only problem was, the other guy kept calling. He kept calling and calling. I called him back and he was upset. Asking why I didnt pick up his call or return his call. I said I was out. He was interrogating me to the point of who was i with, what was i doing. I just said friends. At that time, I didnt feel like I had a need to report to him because I was not his girlfriend anymore.
Soon, I had to deal with him and the guy that i started to develop feelings for. I didn’t know what to do. I was so frustrated. The other guy said, he thought he felt a good vibe, but maybe he was wrong so he’ll leave me alone. I told him its not, its just that I have to deal with other stuff. he said he understands and he’ll be patient. I then had to deal with ex…. He was very needy and was not wanting to let go. Started doing nice things, cook for me and etc. I didnt know what I was getting into. I wanted to see the other guy. I wanted to be with him. But I had to go back to tell my ex, he has to let me go.
The day I did that, he locked me in the washroom for 6 hrs and would not let me go until I told him who it was. I got tired and told him after 6 hrs. He was so hurt and started to bang his head on the wall. I felt heart broken too. I thought that me being the one in between him and his ex, I have to step away and move on… and when i did, he wouldn’t let me go.
He asked me to stay that night and I did. He told me that I was vulnerable and I fell for him because he was just trying to be nice when I was down. He didnt want to see me hurt. And that he is the one that really cared about me and loves me. I stayed with him. Soon the other guy new that I wasnt into that relationship and he called it game over.
Since then, it was better. My boyfriend started to treat me better. And he was much more happy and into the relationship. But I didn’t know what was going on. I kept some of my guards up. We continued to have fun, spend time together and saw each other every single day. He then had to take a trip with his mother for 1 month. Before he left, he gave me keys to his place/parent’s place. (he lives with his parents) He called me every single day or emailed me every day. One day, he said he’s ready for the next step. I wasn’t thinking of that at that time.
I continued to hang out with some girlfriends and friends that called. When he came back, we spent everyday, everynight together for 1 month. He bought me many little gifts from his trip. Wrote in his diary about me every day. I was pleased with his attention. Then during holidays, I started to notice it wasn’t eventful and nothing was ever planned.
I grew so attached to him, I just wanted to spend everyday with him. I was quite disappointed that NYE wasnt planned either.
He was laid off from his job 10 months ago and money has been a little bit of an issue for him. Which I try to cover the outtings as much as possible. He treated here and there, spent money here and there. Nothing calculated.
When practicum started for me, that’s when things changed. I spent all my time with him that I barely worked on my work. I work on it enough, but not enough. I was not happy doing it because it was like walking into a test without studying. I consoled him and asked him if i should continue, he said he was supportive of either way i chose. he said give it a couple more days first. I tried and I couldn’t make up my mind whether or not I could continue with it. I then called in sick and did not show up. I made some family excuse for not being able to go through with it.
I am quite depressed about how I behaved. I have anxiety and am quite lost because of my impulsive decisions. I don’t know where the problem is. Or I feel like it is my fault.
I couldn’t get my work done because I was constantly thinking about what he was doing and if he would be spending time wiht someone else because he cheated on his ex when she was studying. I feel that the relationship has somehow subconsciously instilled some kind of mistrust.
Is it me or the relationship? or both?
Jick-
I have been where you are- in a relationship that drained me on every level, with a guy who didn’t appreciate me, and in a situation that I knew I needed to get out of but just couldn’t. Part of it is you, a bigger part is him, and combined, it’s the relationship itself. You should be with someone who you can trust, who you feel secure with, and who brings out the best in you. From what you’ve written, you’re not getting any of that from this guy.
In these kinds of situations, it’s so easy to just cling onto the few good times- the nice gestures, the encouraging words- and to ignore the bigger picture which is that the relationship isn’t working. I know it’s hard. When I was in a similar relationship, I just couldn’t find the strength to walk away. Eventually, and inevitably, the relationship came to a very ugly and devastating end. When that happened all I could think about was the pain I would have spared myself if I had just let go earlier, when I knew the relationship wasn’t worth holding onto.
I think you really need to assess what you want, both our of life and out of a partner. You deserve someone who lifts you up, not someone who brings you down. This guy sounds very selfish and scattered. Obviously I’m only working with the information you provided, but it seems very clear that you need to walk away and I really hope that, unlike me, you find the strength to recognize that you deserve better.
I hope it all works out. Keep us posted!
My God, it’s like reading my life for the last 6 years. I do love this man, we have known each other almost 30 years, and have been good friends. It’s only in the last 6 that we started seeing each other.
I know that he loves me, but he won’t give in to his feelings. I pursue, I give and give and give and now I am so drained, I don’t have the strength anymore.
He has been so much since his divorce, 6 years ago, and I can’t believe some of the stuff he puts himself through. He is so much more than he allows himself to be, and that is the man I love. I see glimpses of that man, but not enough anymore for it to make a difference.
He won’t snap out of it and I want better for myself. I am 46 and know what I want. I am not desperate to be with anyone, I am content with my life, my job and my family. But growing old with someone I value as a friend, my best friend who doesn’t want that?
I have blamed myself for years; saying I am not good enough for him? That it’s just a sex thing and he gets mad and tells me that that isn’t it, it’s him.
And it is, it is him. He just isn’t at a point in his life where he feels he deserves a decent relationship and I am not sure he ever will be.
Thank you so much for the encouragement.
Abbi