I think I have been reading too many magazine quizzes and too many relationship books for my own good. All of them pretty much say that the woman shouldn’t ever be the one to say “I Love You” first. It is like the “kiss of death.” While I understand the advice of not jumping the gun, as we women are supposed to be “more emotional,” I am in a relationship now where there is a lot of “hinting” around it going on and it is really tempting to “come out
and say it.” What does a guy think about the age old question? If the woman makes this “big move” first, does it make a guy squirm…or run?
Read our guy’s response after the jump!
I would generally say that it’s better for the guy to say it to you first. The reason being is that to us, the saying of it isn’t a big deal in it of itself. In other words, to the grand majority of guys, he’s happy if the relationship is good. He doesn’t need to hear it, generally speaking.
That’s not to say that guys don’t care, it’s just that if the relationship is going well in every way, we’re pretty much satisfied.
The reason we say, “I love you,” to a woman is because we know it matters to her. We know that saying it, to some extent, is a demonstration of our commitment to her and that we’re not going anywhere.
If you say it first, then it’s like you’re forcing that implied commitment, in a way. And even if a guy does love you, he will feel to an extent that he’s being pressured. Beyond that, if you say it first, you’ll lose your chance of ever finding out when he would have said it.
My feeling is that you should let him say it first. I say that because him saying it first to you means a lot more than you saying it to him first… When he says it to you first, it will come across as him declaring something to you. When you say it to him, it will most likely come across as you forcing it on him.
Now, I don’t know you, I don’t know him and everyone is different. But generally speaking, what I’m saying here is good reasoning to follow.
In terms of the way that it feels to a guy when a girl says I love you first, well, it depends. I can say from personal experience that there have been times it’s happened to me and I really did love the girl, but my life was a mess in other ways and wasn’t in the shape it needed to be in for an I-love-you type of relationship. I don’t feel good saying it, but I handled it less than gracefully – I have no idea how exactly me not saying it back was interpreted by the woman, but of course it wasn’t good.
I’ve been asked if a woman “loses all her power” when she says “I love you” first. There’s a whole discussion in today’s culture about who has the power in the relationship and a bunch of other nonsense. Generally speaking, I think that the person who doesn’t think in terms of someone having power in a relationship probably will be the one who ends up having the so-called power.
Reason being, if you think in terms of having the power in the relationship, you’re going to be making “power plays” and doing all sorts of screwy and weird stuff to try and protect yourself from losing this imagined power. You’ll act weird and he’ll sense it. As a result, the guy will be weirded out and he’ll distance himself and put up emotional and mental barriers to protect himself from manipulation. With these walls up, he’ll be harder to reach and you’ll end up trying harder and harder to break through to him.
Bottom line, I believe that it is a bad strategy to think about relationships in terms of who has “the power”. I do think there’s value in thinking about the level of openness each person can offer.
Finally, a question comes up as to whether a guy will just say it if he loves a girl. Well… a big problem is that “love”, as a word, is very loaded and it can mean a hundred different things. You can love ice cream. You can love your dog. You can love your mother and father. You can love your best friend. And these are all legitimate and different forms of love.
And in terms of romantic love, the word can still mean a ton of different things. “I love you because I am loyal to you,” “I love you because I want the best for you,” “I love you because you make me feel good about myself,” “I love you because we have a deep connection and understanding for each other,” “I love you because I am really excited by you,” “I love you because I am infatuated with you,” and the list goes on and on.
My point in all of this is that it’s one single thing a guy is saying to you. It’s not useful to focus on without taking the whole relationship into account. It’s not a magical phrase that will make all of your dreams come true. It’s not a promise of “forever”. And it doesn’t mean the same thing for every guy – it is very personal.
Look at the context – the big picture. Context will tell you what you really want to know.
All in all, I would say make things easy on yourself: Look at the relationship as a whole. If it’s good overall, don’t sweat it. If it’s not, whether or not he says it isn’t going to change anything.
- eric charles
Got a question? Send it to askaguy@anewmode.com and we’ll get you some answers!
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Pfft what a load of rubbish! Main reason fella’s say it is because they know it matters to us? C’mon, only a guy who hasn’t been in love could say that sort of thing…! There should be no ‘rules’ surrounding the saying of “I love you” …. you say it when the time feels right, if the other person doesn’t say it back, it’s clear that you’re not on the same page… and this should be a fairly good indication of where to go next…
Hmm… well, you’re right. There are no rules.
Before I start into my response, let me say that I do appreciate you giving your comment. I don’t agree with it, but I don’t have anything against you for sharing it – it is appreciated here.
There’s no rule that says you can’t talk about religion, politics, abortion or any other loaded subject at a company picnic. But that doesn’t mean it’s an intelligent idea. At the very least, it would be a bad idea to just blindly make a comment that could be volatile without considering the effect it could have.
She got my opinion and now she has yours too. The truth of the matter with this section is that people are going to do whatever they feel like doing anyway. I’m not here to tell anyone what to do or what’s “right”. But if someone asks for my opinion, I will give them reasonable things to consider to the best of my ability.
Let me clarify this a bit. I don’t want to come off as me being mean – not what I’m going for.
All I’m trying to say is that saying “I Love You” is a very loaded phrase for some people. Just because you would take it a certain way doesn’t mean someone else would take it that way. And just because one guy would take it one way doesn’t mean that that’s the right or wrong way to take it.
You don’t know because you’re not them. So my point is that if you don’t know, you should (at the very least) proceed with caution. Contemplate a few different points of view.
Generally speaking, it’s not an ideal strategy to just rattle off the first thing that comes to your mind just because you feel like saying it. It sounds romantic and lovely, but it is my opinion that it’s not a great idea in this case. Again, my opinion.
for safety’s sake, the guy should just say it first.
I advise this on one notion: that girls will dissect absolutely everything to no-end. and this will leave out the indelible question, “did he mean it? or did he say it because I said it first?”
let him say it. no questions.
sorry, but guys are more apprehensive and less apt at commitment than we ladies. I personally think it’s a big deal to them and means a lot when they can throw their hearts on the table. and though I may grow impatient, I will wait any day to hear that.
You said it a lot better than me.
100% agree.
Both this post and the comments all make one general assumption – that women are needy, clingy, emotional violatile creatures in need of constant validation of both themselves and their relationships. Let’s break out of this stereotype, can we please?
I like the “Ask A Guy” section of A New Mode and generally agree with the advice you give, Eric.
This time though, I don’t agree.
Not all men are terrified of committment and love and saying “I love you” first. And not all women are DYING for their partners to say it first so they can immediately come back with an “omg I love you too! Yay!”
Let’s not pigeon-hole men and women into neat little stereotypes.
Every relationship is different. And blog posts and comments like the ones I’ve read here only reinforce this emotionally delicate, cloiying type of woman that we are all apparently supposed to be.
Ok I’ll admit it, I said those three words first. Did it freak him out, no. Yea he didnt say it back, which was a good thing becuase he wasnt ready. When he was ready he said it. And if i guy just says he loves you because that was we want to her, I’d rather not hear it. When your man says ‘I love you’ a well-observant woman will now if he does or doesnt mean it. If you dont, then pay more attention to your guy. Every relationship is different. Who cares if a chick says it first. If you say it and he doesnt run away, good. If he stays around, hes in the relationship because he is on the verge of love, he just may not be able to say it yet.
To PeaceTurkey:
I agree with what you’re saying. Let me clarify something about Ask a Guy: When I’m answering the question, I’m talking to the woman and the audience who is asking that question… But I am not speaking to “all women” or making a generality about all women. The women who this answer doesn’t apply to wouldn’t be asking this question.
Everyone is different. And for every woman who has asked me relationship question she is struggling with, most of the time I have had guys ask me the same question.
So, to me, the gender of the person does not matter to me nearly as much as the question itself. The question itself exposes what the person asking is probably experiencing internally (their fears, frustrations, confusions, etc.) as well as what they are probably seeking in their relationships.
Also true that not all guys will run or fear commitment. But if the woman who’s concerned about this is the type of woman who would later ask herself, “Does he really love me or did he just say it back because I said it to him first?”, then that’s a woman that should just wait. It’s a personality thing, not a gender thing.
I appreciate your comment and I hope I clarified where I’m coming from… I’m taking note of what you said here for future posts.
To Sarah: Agreed… and well said.
I am glad that people are commenting on this because this bring a community of people together to weigh in on an answer. Thanks!
I’d say from your question you are putting way too much time into analyzing this. Relax. Love is a word, in this case expressing our best and most complex emotion. If you are the type of person who can be happy knowing you might love someone who might just not be there yet with you, say it. The way the person handles those words may actually tell you an awful lot about them in the long run.
This has been interesting to read. Eric, I highly appreciate your tactful, concise and analytical approach.
The different possible meanings of the word ‘Love’ is a very tough question. The problem is, I think, that deep down most women don’t want to hear ‘I love you because you are (nice, beautiful, loyal, smart)…’, but ‘I love you in spite of everything (for no logical reason – I just know you’re the one – etc)’. I think this is behind many women’s question when they ask if their boyfriend ”really loves” them or not.
From personal experience, I have been in a relationship where my boyfriend told me things like ‘I was a great match’, or compliment me on my looks and personal traits. The problem with this is that it just comes across as way too dry – I wanted to hear how he wanted to be with me IN SPITE OF my flaws, NOT ONLY because of my positive traits.
I think many women – and men – need their romantic partner to provide something that’s ”special” in their lives.
- It’s great when your boss compliments you on a great report, or when your teammates congratulate you on a good game. But with a partner, you need to feel that you are special to them in full, that they would still want you if you made a mistake or many mistakes, would stick by you through thick and thin. That’s probably how I’d define the kind of ”real love” I personally would want my man to tell me about.
Just a (long-winded, sorry) thought.
Kate, great comment. Thank you for saying this, I think you you make a really good point and you said it beautifully. I agree entirely.
Thank you
Something I was wondering: you say that men say ‘I love you’ only because they know it matters to the woman. This statement caught me by surprise. (I’m not saying that it isn’t true, of course; I’m not a man and cannot claim to know all the inner workings.)
Just in my experience, when male friends talk about their saying ‘I love you’, it is more or less a story like this: ” we were spending time together, and she said something/ did something so great/funny/… that I couldn’t help saying it to her”.. which, if I interpret correctly, would mean that the men were not thinking of how much it would please the woman to hear it – they just couldn’t help saying it when confronted with their strong feelings.
This could be a misinterpretation or romanticizing on my part. But I do wonder if men say ‘I love you’ for the sake of expressing themselves, rather than for the sake of the woman.
Yes, let me clarify. Men say “I love you” because we know that women like to hear it. That is not to say that a man doesn’t feel a tremendous amount of love for his woman if he doesn’t say it.
I agree with you that guys have stories like this about saying I love you and how they couldn’t help but to say it. And yes, it’s absolutely a way of expressing how we feel. The point I was making is that it’s one way that a guy expresses his love, but it’s not the only way.
Even when a guy is completely infatuated, smitten, enamored and “gaga” over a woman, he still has his own definitions of love and his own way of expressing long. There was definitely times in my life where I had been so in-love that I couldn’t help but say it to the girl I was with.
But as time goes on, I’ve become much more reserved about when I say it in a relationship. I do not say it as easily or freely. It definitely does not mean I don’t love the girl very much. But it’s a matter of expression and life experiences, history, etc. that can make a guy more reserved about when and how he says it.
Again though, it’s not to say that what you’re talking about doesn’t happen or that it’s not real or anything like that. I’m just saying that it’s not the only way. What is most important is his feeling towards you and the depth of the relationship itself.
The very first time I’ve been on this site, and this post blew me away! This post is greatly appreciated, it has given me a different point of view to think about, and I ultimately reached a certain piece of mind by the end of the article, and all the comments. I couldn’t add anything to the discussion, but I wanted to let you know…
Thanks so much. I hope you have a beautiful day!
peace*
Yawn.
What’s more interesting is how girls use indirect action to manipulate guys.
I was the person who asked this question. I just wanted to report that I ended up saying it. I only said it in the past few weeks, though. He was very happy that I said it. He already knew that he loved me and I loved him. Because I was so nervous, the topic did come up that I had been waiting for the right time because I didn’t want to mess up, and he told me that he would have loved to hear it long ago, but now was equally as great – it was worth the wait. It was one of those cases where both of us felt it, but no one made the move. Now he says it to me all the time
I would say if your relationship is brand new – don’t do it. I agree with you still, Eric, about taking things in context. This is sort of a relationship where we were both sort of blown away by eachother/swept off our feet/felt this relationship was a definite game changer in our lives from the get go. But if someone is barely getting a pulse from a guy – I would say hold off.
for me it doesnt matter who said it first… i guess a guy can simply say that girl proclaim her love first is they feel that girls manipulating a guy, i think NO why? because we have different level of standing in a relationship. If you cant simply say it in return then don’t at least you know where you stand in a girl that you love most. Why wait for the special occassion or time when to say this… after all if that time does not come anymore (or if one of you gone forever in this planet earth
that’s a more regretful mistake you have ever done in your entire life. Treat everyday as special day for your love and make him/her feel that special feeling you have . Coz at least in the end you can utter this words WHAT IF? & IF ONLY? thats more painful when you dont express your self to the one you love and now all TOO LATE…
I honestly don’t think we can make blanket statements about how to handle expressing ‘i love you’ between two people. What about homosexual relationships? Who says it first, the woman or the woman? The man or the man? lol. As for relationships between men and women, I’ve found that a lot of men are afraid to say it first…hah. My current bf said to me: “It’s the woman’s job to say it first.” I don’t know where this whole “wait for the man to say it first” came from. I think it’s ridiculous. It doesn’t matter who says it first, just don’t be stupid about it and make sure the timing is right. Why should the woman wait? Not all women are insecure and need the “reassurance” of a man who says I love you first. Then again, I’m not the type of woman who says I love you to guys not even 3 weeks after knowing him. I wait…and I make sure he deserves my love before I open up my mouth (even if he happens to say it first).
Hi Nikki,
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I appreciate your comments.
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There’s no rule that women have to wait for the man to say it first or that it’s destructive or anything like that.
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But I would say that a lot of women who say it first do it and then later regret it since they start to wonder: “When would he have said it if I didn’t say it first? Would he have said it? Does he really love me or did he just say it because I said it?, etc. etc. etc.”
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If you’re secure and experienced, you’re right – this is a non-issue. But there are plenty of people who aren’t always 100% secure 100% of the time… and for that reason this is something good to consider.
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As for homosexual couples, this still applies. Actually, I’m glad you brought up the point because what I am saying here has much more to do with personality tendency and less to do with being male or female.
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On the other hand, I would be lying if I didn’t say women typically have this tendency far more in heterosexual relationships than men. There are exceptions and I am acknowledging that. But I think you would agree that *typically* the scenario I described is more of a trap for women than men.
First of all Thanks alot Eric..and for everyone who posted a comment and added alot.
I have been so long googling on this subject.. until i got this site.. and am so happy i read the article.. Am going through a stange relationship…. and i was so confused of whether to say I LOVE YOU or not.. and i hesistated alot.. yet its to complicated ..
However, thanks God .. i didn’t and i will wait for what happens next.. and as you said it not gonna cange anything.. and i don’t want to force him on anything.
Thanks again.. for making it so clear..