I was seeing a guy for the past 2 months and everything was going really well. He told me how much he liked me, how lucky he felt to be with me and how he really thought this could be something. He also introduced me to his friends about two weeks ago and told me that I’m the first girl in the past two years that he’s introduced them to.
In the past two weeks we’ve only seen each other twice because he went away for a few days and then we both went away for Easter. Although we hadn’t seen that much of each other, I thought everything was fine. Then we saw each other on Saturday and he told me that he has too much work and doesn’t feel he can see me very much and that it isn’t fair to me.
I asked him what he wanted from me and he said he doesn’t know but he thinks that if he liked me enough he would want to cut back on his work and he doesn’t! He also said he hasn’t really missed not seeing me in the last two weeks that we hadn’t seen each other. It basically sounded like he likes me but not enough.
Read the rest of this question and our guy’s response after the jump!
I just don’t understand how he could change so quickly- two weeks ago he was introducing me to his friends and saying he thinks this could really be something and then suddenly he doesn’t like me as much? I said I felt like he had lead me on and that I wish he had been honest and he said that he promised he didn’t lead me on and he meant all the things he said but since we hadn’t seen each other much in the past two weeks, things started to change for him.
As far as I’m concerned I’m better off without him but I just don’t understand what happened.
Here’s my thinking from what you said. At the beginning of a relationship, it’s running on moment to moment emotion – we say what we feel, our brains are dumping all sorts of happy chemicals into our heads giving us all those amazing feelings. As amazing as it feels, that in it of itself doesn’t mean there’s depth there. The amount of vulnerability and trust each person brings to the relationship is typically what gives it depth.
When we expose our self, our vulnerabilities and let someone see us as we are, it creates a deeper bond within you to the other person. When the guy exposes himself to you, that is a moment where his bond to you increases. Just something to think about because typically speaking, when both people show a lot of themselves to each other, there is a deeper bond and the other person doesn’t typically up and leave out of the blue.
With that said, the impression I got is that you both really do like each other as people, but maybe you don’t know all that much about his life and who he really is, who he was… the deeper stuff. When you aren’t bonded on the deeper stuff, things can dissolve if you aren’t with each other for an extended period of time… it’s the deeper moments that stick with a person, not the surface level “butterflies”.
Granted, I am working with limited info here – but my impression on first pass is that the guy really does like you as a person, but did not let you in very deeply (on the inside).
Now, a woman could ask why do guys shift so suddenly? I would respond that from one perspective it is sudden… but from the perspective of what he is looking for in his life, his work and in the grand scheme of what truly motivates him, it probably isn’t a sudden change at all. It probably fits right in with who he is, how he is and the rest of his life. The big question is how familiar are you with these elements of him? To understand his behavior, you have to look at his life as a whole – you have to look at all the things that motivate him and have motivated him in the past. It was once said that there’s a tremendous amount of information in understanding a man’s fears, failures and frustrations… and I believe that is true in relationships as well.
Still, I think that many women in this position typically wonder if its something they did or if there’s something about themselves that caused their man to act like this. Generally speaking, playing detective in this area is not a good use of time. The number one reason being that you don’t know and all blaming yourself will do is make you upset.
My opinion is that “the milk has gone bad”. Take what you’ve learned here and just move on – he doesn’t sound like a bad guy, just a guy who’s guard is up or maybe his exclusive focus is on his work. I can relate to both of those, I’ve been there. I can guarantee he does feel bad and doesn’t want to hurt you. And I believe that he probably meant what he said when he introduced you to his friends and talked about how much he liked you. Even still, for guys, a relationship needs to fit into his life well. If it doesn’t fit into his life (the grand scheme of everything – his work, his play, etc.), even if it’s a great relationship with a great girl, the relationship will probably dissolve unless there is a good amount of depth and understanding there on both sides.
In terms of being able to “do something” about it, I would say you should do your best to try and dig deeper into understanding him and see if he’ll open up. Frankly, if a guy (or a girl, for that matter) has their guard up so much that they can’t open up or let you in at all, their wall is going to block the relationship from going any deeper (which is a large factor in the strength of their bond to you.) I wouldn’t say this is something to confront a guy about, but rather a way you should consider relating to him in general.
In short, I think it’s just a matter of circumstance and where he is in his life. Sounds to me like he did think you were a great girl, but his life isn’t set up right now to have you (the person that you are) in his life. As I say in these situations: It is what it is.