I was seeing a guy for the past 2 months and everything was going really well. He told me how much he liked me, how lucky he felt to be with me and how he really thought this could be something. He also introduced me to his friends about two weeks ago and told me that I’m the first girl in the past two years that he’s introduced them to.
In the past two weeks we’ve only seen each other twice because he went away for a few days and then we both went away for Easter. Although we hadn’t seen that much of each other, I thought everything was fine. Then we saw each other on Saturday and he told me that he has too much work and doesn’t feel he can see me very much and that it isn’t fair to me.
I asked him what he wanted from me and he said he doesn’t know but he thinks that if he liked me enough he would want to cut back on his work and he doesn’t! He also said he hasn’t really missed not seeing me in the last two weeks that we hadn’t seen each other. It basically sounded like he likes me but not enough.
Read the rest of this question and our guy’s response after the jump!
I just don’t understand how he could change so quickly- two weeks ago he was introducing me to his friends and saying he thinks this could really be something and then suddenly he doesn’t like me as much? I said I felt like he had lead me on and that I wish he had been honest and he said that he promised he didn’t lead me on and he meant all the things he said but since we hadn’t seen each other much in the past two weeks, things started to change for him.
As far as I’m concerned I’m better off without him but I just don’t understand what happened.
Any insight?
RESPONSE:
Here’s my thinking from what you said. At the beginning of a relationship, it’s running on moment to moment emotion – we say what we feel, our brains are dumping all sorts of happy chemicals into our heads giving us all those amazing feelings. As amazing as it feels, that in it of itself doesn’t mean there’s depth there. The amount of vulnerability and trust each person brings to the relationship is typically what gives it depth.
When we expose our self, our vulnerabilities and let someone see us as we are, it creates a deeper bond within you to the other person. When the guy exposes himself to you, that is a moment where his bond to you increases. Just something to think about because typically speaking, when both people show a lot of themselves to each other, there is a deeper bond and the other person doesn’t typically up and leave out of the blue.
With that said, the impression I got is that you both really do like each other as people, but maybe you don’t know all that much about his life and who he really is, who he was… the deeper stuff. When you aren’t bonded on the deeper stuff, things can dissolve if you aren’t with each other for an extended period of time… it’s the deeper moments that stick with a person, not the surface level “butterflies”.
Granted, I am working with limited info here – but my impression on first pass is that the guy really does like you as a person, but did not let you in very deeply (on the inside).
Now, a woman could ask why do guys shift so suddenly? I would respond that from one perspective it is sudden… but from the perspective of what he is looking for in his life, his work and in the grand scheme of what truly motivates him, it probably isn’t a sudden change at all. It probably fits right in with who he is, how he is and the rest of his life. The big question is how familiar are you with these elements of him? To understand his behavior, you have to look at his life as a whole – you have to look at all the things that motivate him and have motivated him in the past. It was once said that there’s a tremendous amount of information in understanding a man’s fears, failures and frustrations… and I believe that is true in relationships as well.
Still, I think that many women in this position typically wonder if its something they did or if there’s something about themselves that caused their man to act like this. Generally speaking, playing detective in this area is not a good use of time. The number one reason being that you don’t know and all blaming yourself will do is make you upset.
My opinion is that “the milk has gone bad”. Take what you’ve learned here and just move on – he doesn’t sound like a bad guy, just a guy who’s guard is up or maybe his exclusive focus is on his work. I can relate to both of those, I’ve been there. I can guarantee he does feel bad and doesn’t want to hurt you. And I believe that he probably meant what he said when he introduced you to his friends and talked about how much he liked you. Even still, for guys, a relationship needs to fit into his life well. If it doesn’t fit into his life (the grand scheme of everything – his work, his play, etc.), even if it’s a great relationship with a great girl, the relationship will probably dissolve unless there is a good amount of depth and understanding there on both sides.
In terms of being able to “do something” about it, I would say you should do your best to try and dig deeper into understanding him and see if he’ll open up. Frankly, if a guy (or a girl, for that matter) has their guard up so much that they can’t open up or let you in at all, their wall is going to block the relationship from going any deeper (which is a large factor in the strength of their bond to you.) I wouldn’t say this is something to confront a guy about, but rather a way you should consider relating to him in general.
In short, I think it’s just a matter of circumstance and where he is in his life. Sounds to me like he did think you were a great girl, but his life isn’t set up right now to have you (the person that you are) in his life. As I say in these situations: It is what it is.
eric charles
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
you did not have sex with him, so you did not bond. After 2 weeks, the feelings were not there anymore, there was nothing for him to think about, nothing to miss, nothing to desire. Not being rude, just my humble opinion
the answer to the question may not be totally about him, but also about your behaviour with him. did you get to clingy, did you already love him too much? take it easy, continue to play hard to get, don’t give yourself completely emotionally.
he met another girl.
The number one reason being that you don’t know and all blaming yourself will do is make you upset.
-Interesting…I experienced this last fall…unstead of hims saying he just wasn’t wasn’t that into me anymore…he became distant…unavailable…I probably replayed our last encounter a million times trying to see what I could have done ( and my girlfriend constantly planting the “you did something” seed in my ear didn’t help either!). Finally I just had to ask, “Did I do something.” At this point, I was already upset…I was really feeling this guy…then he comes back with some bs reason as to why he was no longer engaged, and then I became pissed!
A year has almost passed and I still feel some kinda way about the situation…but I am moving on, and in doing so I let him know that there are no hard feelings. We have had a couple of minimal exchanges and it was it is.
This is very interesting. But I’m curious, what about the opposite scenario? If a guy swears up and down he doesn’t like you, and then you end up dating. What is that about?
Can’t say for sure… Maybe:
.
- playing hard-to-get
- thinks you’re extremely annoying but too hot to resist
- wasn’t initially attracted, but then became “charmed” by you
.
If you ended up dating… why not ask him what that was about?
I’ve had a kind of similar experience…except this guy started off completely into me telling me similar things “i can really see a future with you” “Never thought about marriage with a girl until you” How lucky he is..how amazing i am…but then he found out how “into Christianity” i was, with him an atheist, he would then change his mind about how much he liked me literally every second day. One day, he’s totally into me, thinks he may even love me, then the next not interested…doesnt care…won’t call, doesnt know if its right, not sure how he feels…then back to being smitten…and this up and down went on for a month and a half. What the heck?!? Frustrating much?!
I later also found out towards the end he started a fling with another girl while we were still seeing each other and then when we’d officially ended things, went back to his ex in less than a week but still calls me to see how i’m going and to talk to me when he’s down… Any thoughts?
What a load of rubbish. He is obviously just a knob but you don’t know him well enough to see that about him.
‘A matter of where he is in his life’? If he was a great, solid guy it wouldn’t matter what his work or other commitments were you would still be together. He is a flake. As far as I’m concerned don’t bother telling people you care about them and want them around, if in fact you don’t. It just makes you a douche.
Get as far away as possible. There is someone much more worthwhile out there.
I just had one of these situations. We had dated twice for 1 1/2 month each time (4 dates the last time), and both times there seemed to be a disconnect in that we were not really talking about anything deeper. The second time was a little better.
The second time around he came on super strong and then slowly backed off. But, I saw that every time we went out, and had a good time, he would distance further. Last time I saw him, he asked me out, but when I got there he was cold, distant and began to get mean.
I am still beating myself up, but for the life of me, I don’t think I did anything. I did not ask about the furture, and only once did I start a text conversation, which I cut off.
On that last time after he had been so cold – I had a conversation with him. I said – I am enjoying spending time with you, but I feel like there is a disconnect and I can’t describe or understand it. Then I said – how do you feel like things are going between us. He said in a very robotic way (he totally had disconnected – it was very weird) – I enjoy spending time with you, but this will not get serious.
So, I said thank you, I appreciate your honesty, but I don’t want to be in anything that does not have potential. I continued with – from my perspective I do not understand why you came on so strong and slowly backed off. This is the second time around. I want to be with someone who is into me, and will show me attention, and that I don’t think you can give that to me.
I truely don’t know what happened, but I could feel that shield. I am sad because I have never had such a weird robotic encounter. I just wish I did not blame myself.
Any thoughts anyone?