This topic contains 114 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ss 3 months, 1 week ago.
July 31, 2020 at 4:11 am #798796
I had begun seeing someone really great about a month ago. He lives in a city I’m planning to move to, but have not yet. I travel back and forth between the two cities currently. Anyway, things were going really good (he was even talking about how he could see me fitting in his life long term), but he also mentioned being 6 months out of a 2 year relationship and felt a little pressure to date others as well, to “be confident in his decisions” moving forward. Instead of taking this well, I took it badly and began pushing him away. I unfortunately uninvited him from meeting my brother, and became short and cold to him. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I proceeded to have too much to drink that night and ended up sending some really odd texts that I now regret. He then told me he had a date scheduled the next day, and I really lost it. First I didn’t reply, but then hours later I said “ Good luck on your date. I am not interested in being anyone’s plan B. I hope it pans out for you, thank you for being kind to me. Goodbye Seann, I wish you all the best.”
I felt bad about this is the morning, so I said “ Sorry, I should have been honest and admitted that I was drinking last night. I’m not even too sure why I said what I did. Hope you have a good day.” to which he replied:
I’m sorry to hurt your feelings , this meeting was planned a week ago. My perspective isnt a plan b scenario, I’d like to go thru the motions get out a and meet some people so that I’m confident in my decisions. I feel you where kinda mental toying with me last night , I didnt have a good feeling. I also dont want to say goodbye, but that’s something you meantioned. I also meantioned I’d rather not gave a stressful convo before bed and the opposite is what actually happened. Please have a good day. I’m sorry o dont have my mind made up about us.
I need a bit of space theres a lot goin on around me w work etc. I’ll just shut down if you press me too hard. Agsin I’m sorry your upset and I hope you can make the best of the day.
I gave him space for the next day or so, but then he messaged me and I messaged back. When I asked if he was still planning on getting my bike today (he had asked to get it to tune it for a bike ride for us on the weekend), he said “ I’m sorry not after our last interactions. I think your a nice person , but I dont feel theres any merit in a meeting not that it would change anything. I was hoping for some space. If you want to get something off your chest I’m free for a call at 12:30.“ after I asked to meet up to discuss our bad conversation and to explain myself. When I asked him if it was how I behaved that night that caused him to feel this way, he said “ This is a bit intense for me , I’m sorry. Consider us friends , I got your back. I’d rather not discuss it any further.” I did end up talking to him today, and he said he was bothered by my mixed signals, and would see how he felt the next coming days and that he “might” reach out to me on the weekend.
I guess I’m just sad, lost and confused. Things were going so well, until they weren’t…July 31, 2020 at 5:35 am #798805
Sorry to say so but you may be a bit dramatic for him, although it’s a red flag that he has recently ended a 2-year relationship.
Don’t know you well but try to handle your emotion next time, or avoid drinking in this case.July 31, 2020 at 5:52 am #798807
Yeah its too late. You showed him that you are a intense, unpredictable, clingy and needy after only a couple of dates. He has decided he doesn’t like your behaviour and doesn’t want to date you. It is too late to pull things back now.
He sounds like a good and honest man. A lot of men would have just ghosted you but even when you continued to put on pressure that he didn’t like he was still willing to talk with you about it which is kind of him.
You were way too invested in this man. You need to learn to give zero fu*ks until a man is your boyfriend.
Try and learn from this experienceJuly 31, 2020 at 6:00 am #798808
Thanks for your replies. The part that bothers me is that only the night before, he called me tipsy and said that he saw a future with us, had even considered how I could live with him in his new property and continue to run my business virtually there. He said he had “done the math” and I would be a good fit for him long term. He talked about how I would make a good mother and partner, etc. If anything, he came on rather strong To start a relationship, which is why I think I was so hurt and surprised that he was still planning to see other people (after he told me he wasn’t).
Personally, I think it is rather silly not to give someone a second chance that you claimed to see a future with. I admitted my mistakes, and that I had been drinking and wasn’t quite myself. Up until this point, he had said several things that made me think it was him that was pushing for a relationship, not me. I’m just in shockJuly 31, 2020 at 6:04 am #798809
Also, why mention that he would still like to see me but take things slow, and then later say that we are friends? And then after that say he would try to reach out this weekend… just so lost about all of thisJuly 31, 2020 at 6:06 am #798810
I should also mention that I had to suddenly go back to my city to look after my dog, and he was so supportive the whole time. He called every day, and checked in on me. He even picked me up from the airport when I got here. He wanted to make plans over the weekend to go on the bike ride and even take me out on his boat. I know I messed up, but I don’t think I did anything that was so horrible he couldn’t even give me a chance to explain myself, especially since prior to that he said several times that we had a great connection and was excited to continueJuly 31, 2020 at 6:10 am #798811
I guess I just find it so hard fo be dating in this day and age. To be intimate with someone, and then know that they might do so with someone else and it’s supposed to be okay…July 31, 2020 at 8:03 am #798824
This man was very clear he was not your boyfriend which means he was not yet invested. That is why he is not invested in fixing this.
He actually sounds like a good communicator and healthy people do not like to be threatened with breakups. It makes you seem unstable. What he said before this incident was in the moment and was not meant as a promise. When a man is not your boyfriend, you have little leg to stand on to make demands.
I am sorry, but your lesson here is to let the man lead, and if he is not committed, you are not either. Not to try to extract a commitment. You were right to pull back, but that should be in actions and not words… the actions are to make him do the work, pull back emotionally and potentially just end it for real as not on the same page. Not end it, then come back… you would have been better off with… I need to think about if this is workable for me and if I am ok with us not being exclusive by now.July 31, 2020 at 8:06 am #798825
And don’t sleep with anyone until you are exclusive. Simply state… I am very attracted to you but I don’t have sex with people who are seeing others. We can decide that together, but in the meantime, kissing and touching (bases 1-3) are all that’s on the table. I look forward to what we decide. And say that early… like first time you are making out heavily and it is escalating physically.July 31, 2020 at 8:39 am #798827
You should have been way more patient and not so dead set on getting this man. You only knew him for a month. Yeah he said some stuff about seeing this going somewhere, but in the same convo he also said he wasnt sure, he wanted to play the field. And honestly thats fair for him. You should have acted the same. But instead you acted like a crazy dog with a bone. Sorry for a comparison like that but its merely to demonstrate that up to you posting this you have not let go. And at the same time turned cold, pushed him away, send him drunk messages saying to have a happy date. That really is enough to turn a guy off.
I do understand you had sex with the guy. Maybe for you thats just too soon. Or in the future make very clear what sex means: like free to date other people but not sleep with them.
In general guys dont bond through sex at all. And they wont get into a relationship after a month of dating. They need more time to decide if a woman is worth it for them.
So when you heard him saying the sweet words (deaf to the disclaimers) plus having sex, you thought this was a done deal and got upset after a month. So you need to find a wau to navigate your expectations and put them in boundaries for yourself so ypu dont go overboard. I do understand what happened but i dont think you can come back from this. So absolutely lose his numberJuly 31, 2020 at 8:50 am #798830
All your extra information posts are just demonstrating where you go wrong- its too much, you get too invested and its put him competely off you.
Men say all sorts of things in the moment and its hard not to believe them when you like them and are hopeful for a future, but men mean what they say in that moment but unless they demonstrate through actions it is all just words.
He is saying to just be friends to let you down gently. He maybe was thinking to still see you but then you kept on pushing and being intense so he changed his mind.
I get that you dont see what you did as so bad that he can’t get past it but when you are dating online there are so many options to explore so if someone shows red flags early its easy to bail and move on to less intense and complicated options.
Let this one go and learn to not be like this again. Its a YOU problem not a HIM problem xJuly 31, 2020 at 9:40 am #798835
I agree with ss and you need to learn how guys think and act. In the early stages they dont weigh things like: Yeah she sent me weird claimy drunk messages but i also so a future with her. No if they see one negative, its over and out. You can Google seven stages or steps a guy falls in love to understand this process better. It will help you lower expectations in the first 2 months. Good luckJuly 31, 2020 at 10:35 am #798842
A man will put up with drama if he’s fallen in love with a lady but not before that. He saw something in you that he was highly attracted too but he just came out of a relationship so he didn’t trust himself enough yet to know if it was driven by a burst of lust/infatuation or if it something he was really feeling and needed to play the field some more to know which one it was.
You need to stop trying to force men into relationships as that is the worst strategy to take when dealing with a man who can shut you down just as quickly as lifted him up.
You are riding the oxyticin train, which is a mixture of hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, seratonin, etc. (aka “love hormones”) that creates a high level of emotions which are the same one’s that bond a mother to her newborn child!!! These hormones are very potent and dangerous to a woman who is not a relationship with a man yet, which is why its best to stay out of the sheets if you can’t handle or control your emotions after sex.
He is just out of relationship and playing the field! Never believe a man’s words until they are backed up with ACTIONS, whereas always follow this formula with men WORDS + ACTIONS = TRUTH. You only have some flowery words but there were zero actions behind them which is why you fell down the rabbit hole because you didn’t see any follow through on his part. Only when a man acts on his words, or “does what he says, and says what he does” can you be pretty confident he’s not blowing smoke up your you know what.
1) A man says: “I’m going to build a fence.” Two weeks go by and there’s still no fence. You mention it and he says “Yeah, I still want to build it but I’m tied up with other things.” Another month goes by and there’s still no fence. The equation is: He was only *thinking* about building a fence when he said it (WORDS) but by doing zilch, zero, nada, noting his ACTIONS screamed that he had no intention of actually building it, it just *sounded good* in that moment in time but that’s all it was, a thought.
2) A man says “I’m going to build a fence.” Two weeks go by and the posts are up, part of the fence is complete and he continues to spends his weekends working on the fence. In a month you see a fence. The equation is: This is “a man of his word.” He said he was going to build a fence; he followed through on his words by ACTING on it consistently until the fence was built like he said he was going to do.
Always shoot for man No. 2, Don’t jump into bed (have sex) with a man who throws out some *flowery words* until you’ve carefully observed him long enough to see if his words and actions mesh up over a good period of time, at least three months, before you can begin to believe he’s an honest or trustworthy guy. His words and actions didn’t mesh up because he told you one thing but was doing another (dating others) which would have clued you in that he was a No. 1 guy. Women for some reason have lost their ability to carefully suss men out and why they end up jumping straight into a shallow pool (bed) and end up with a concussion.July 31, 2020 at 11:15 am #798846
I know many of you had said there was no hope in this situation, but isn’t it possible he does think about my positive qualities and does give me another chance? I am debating seeing some friends in another town 4 hours away for this weekend, but I’m also wondering if it’s better to stay here in case he might reach out to see each other. I likely will have to go back to my city next week as well…July 31, 2020 at 11:18 am #798847
Lauren i guess you are the op. Yes you slept with him too soon, but more importantly you want to get in a relationship too bad and i give you one example of what you just said:
– you were sorry he talked so much and asked so little questions, so he didnt really see you for who you are.
A not so driven by relationship motive woman would think:
– i cant get a word in when im with this man. He might be totally self absorbed. So i make a mental note and talk about myself a few times and see what he does.
You are in convincing mode with a guy you only knew for a month. You really need more time to decide if the guy is right for you. Many men including lots of creeps can say what a good mother you will be (i find that a creepy statement anyway) but that doesnt mean he makes a good partner for youJuly 31, 2020 at 12:11 pm #798851
I agree with what the other posters have said so far, so I don’t need to repeat what they’ve already said.
I like Newbie’s most recent point– that you’re convincing yourself this guy is some kind of great catch when (from what you’ve said) he talks over you and doesn’t let you talk about yourself. That actually sounds like a horrible date to me. And like Newbie I also find him talking about kids and moving in together, after dating one month, creepy and distasteful. It’s not the behavior of a mature, healthy man who is ready for a relationship. A man who is in a healthy mindset about relationships does not rush things with premature talk about kids and living together after 1 month. I’m not saying that makes him a terrible person, but I do think it’s a sign he’s not really in a mature headspace about wanting a new relationship. So I think it would do you good to take a step back and try to look at this guy with less emotion, evaluate him for who he is rather than who you want him to be.
As for whether you should go visit your friends this weekend– you should absolutely go see them. Don’t stick around hoping he might reach out. He asked for space, give it to him. The only way he might possibly change his mind (although it seems doubtful to me that he will) is to realize that he misses you and wants you in his life. The only way that can happen is if he doesn’t see you for awhile, and he sees you have other things going on, you’re not desperately waiting around for him to show up. You’ll become more appealing if you’re not at his beck and call and he has to chase you a bit. If he does happen to reach out about this weekend, just politely tell him you made plans to visit friends. It’s not like you and him have solid plans to get together this weekend, and he did ask for space, so you need to live your life. I myself would be totally offended if a guy said he “might” reach out over the weekend and actually expected me to sit around doing nothing in case he called. Screw that, I’m living my life.
Finally– in the future, yes, do not sleep with guys without a condom! Not unless you are in an exclusive sexual relationship and have talked about it.July 31, 2020 at 12:16 pm #798853
It sounds like he could still be processing the end of his last relationship. He may not want to jump back into another one and instead wants to be free to date around.
Or, it could be that he just wasn’t motivated enough by you to want to make that leap.
As difficult as that may be to hear.
Everyone has probably committed word vomit at one point or another but try to work on your reactivity and learn to pace your emotions better.
Maybe even consider not dating someone until they’ve been single for x amount of time.July 31, 2020 at 1:50 pm #798867
Thanks again everyone for your comments. It has given me a lot to think about. I focused a lot on this man’s great qualities (has his own very successful business, is brilliant, kind to me, etc.) but he also was often all over the place and wasn’t able to be present enough to really get to know me. I think he was still processing the end of his relationship (he brought her up on more than one occasion) and not really in a headspace for a long term relationship, despite some of the things he said.
Although I messed up, it seems he was also genuinely just not ready for something serious. And yes I could have done better at taking things slowly, but after we had already had sex without condoms and him coming in me etc. I probably was never going to be okay with him dating others. I should have asked him early on like first or second date if he was looking for a relationship or if he felt he needed more time. I think he would have been honest with me and would have said he needed more time to date casually. Probably could have saved myself this current heartbreak, but in the end our timing was likely just off. I guess time will tell, but I think even if he does reach out while I’m still here, I will tell him that I need to focus on myself, work, and my family, which is true.
I’m trying to tell myself there is no point in asking “what ifs” and that I can’t undo what I’ve done. But in more reflection, I don’t think this was either 100% my fault or even a completely avoidable outcome.July 31, 2020 at 2:00 pm #798870
I will give you the same advice I’ve given countless girls who have come to my house, wailing, “What can I do to get Jerry to ask me out again? We went out, we had a great time, we f*cked – and he hasn’t called me since! How can I get him to love me? What can I do?”
He liked you enough to take you out and f*ck you. If he wants to f*ck you again, he’ll let you know. If he doesn’t, he won’t. That’s Jerry. You can’t control him.”
Sounds like your guy is a bit like Jerry.
Kick back and leave it alone. If he wants to f*ck you again, he’ll let you know.July 31, 2020 at 2:27 pm #798876
“I should have asked him early on like first or second date if he was looking for a relationship or if he felt he needed more time.” Others may disagree but I think this approach will turn many guys off. It will just make a guy feel cornered that a woman he barely knows is asking if he’s ready for a relationship (“why is she thinking relationship? I just met her!”). You shouldn’t have what they call “DTR” (define the relationship) talks too soon. The first and second date are literally just barely getting to know a person. The guy might have no idea if he wants a relationship or not until he gets to know you a bit. Like Jen123 said, he just may not have been motivated enough by you to take the leap (even though it’s not what you want to hear); the next woman he meets might motivate him to commit to a relationship. Who knows.
Most guys don’t go out seeking relationships (it even says so in articles on this website); it’s more like, they date for companionship/sex, and eventually meet a woman who knocks their socks off and they fall in love with her and want a relationship at that point. Women are the opposite, many women date with the intention of finding a relationship. That’s not always the case with guys.
In my case, when I met my current bf, he was several years out of a terrible divorce. He wasn’t dating to find a relationship. He was dating for sex and companionship, but not a relationship (we actually talked about this after we had been dating awhile). We met, we clicked really well, and we fell in love. And now it’s 2 years later and we’re still together and talking about marriage eventually (not anytime soon, but in a couple of years perhaps). If I had tried to pin him down about whether he wanted a relationship on the 1st or 2nd or 3rd date, he would have walked away. We did however agree to date exclusively early on, and not sleep with other people, so that was my first clue that he was not anti-commitment. As it turned out HE was the one who asked ME to be his girlfriend in a committed relationship after several months of dating. Sometimes you just need to let things play out, especially with guys who have come out of bad relationships.
I’m not saying you should waste your time and date guys who don’t want what you want. But try not to date with an agenda. Be open and don’t be dead set on trying to force a guy into a commitment like a crazy dog with a bone (I love Newbie’s analogy). Watch a guy’s actions over time and he will demonstrate if he wants to commit to you. A guy who is telling you he wants to date other women is telling you he does not want to commit to you, at least not at this time. This guy was very open with you that he wanted to play the field a bit. So right there you should have known he was not looking for a serious relationship at this time. Just use all this as a learning experience for future guys you meet.July 31, 2020 at 2:33 pm #798879
I will also add: I met a guy online some years back who, on our first date, asked me about my divorce and whether I was ready for another relationship. He made it clear he was looking for a wife. I felt like I was at a job interview and he was just looking for someone to fill a position. I WAS over my divorce (I had been divorced for years) and I WAS ready for another relationship, but the tone of the conversation didn’t make me feel like he was really interested in me. I did not see the guy again, I gently turned him down when he asked me for another dinner date. And honestly if he had not done that, but instead had just been friendly and normal on the date, I would have seen him again. But being grilled about commitment on a 1st date was a total turn off. I felt like I was being sized up. So I can imagine how guys feel when women try to pin them down with talks about relationships and commitment early on.July 31, 2020 at 2:44 pm #798885
Because of his vague last statements i think paige comment is a very likely. Dont fall for it. You have to remember you are in this to date to find a partner. I think your last post entry pretty much sums up in what went wrong. But never beat yourself over the head with it afterwards. It just wasnt meant to be. He wants to play the field. It would be in your best interest in this case to say goodbye to him. Thank him, say bye and delete his number. But you have to really mean it otherwise it just looks like a ploy to get him to respond.July 31, 2020 at 2:52 pm #798887
I am trying not to be too disappointed in myself, but I am. I think it’s okay he was playing the field, I probably should have been as well. I simply got carried away with his actions thinking he was ready to date exclusively and I was shocked and hurt when he openly said he was not. My gut tells me that if I had just played it cool, we probably would still be seeing each other now, but that doesn’t mean we would for sure have ended up together.
To be honest, when I slept with him I didn’t really think about him as long term potential. It was how he treated me afterward and his thoughtfulness that made me consider it and then subconsciously hope for it. Before him, I had somewhat given up on the idea of finding a long term romantic partner.
I’m 50/50 on if I should say goodbye again or not. Originally he said he didn’t want to and just wanted to take things slower after I tried to end it, but that was before he made the friend comment. To be honest, I’m rather surprised he hasn’t missed me even in these few days, considering when I was back home in my city for several weeks he said he did, and was really looking forward to seeing me. Anyway, he was kind and good to me while we were together so I don’t mind being kind in my exit either. I don’t think really he hurt me in this, I think mostly I hurt myself. I hope he does find happiness, and I hope I do too. Whatever that looks like.July 31, 2020 at 7:19 pm #798926
I was just thinking, when I last talked with him I didn’t mention that I was open to taking things more slowly and continuing to see one another. I don’t know if this would have made any difference, but I wonder if part of him not seeing me now has to do with associating me only with a commitment he is not ready for (and honestly neither am I)July 31, 2020 at 7:56 pm #798933
Youre in denial the bubble burst. Its ok, this just happened and its raw. Why would you want to take things slow now? So he can date other people? Sometimes ship sail. In this case its been stated you flew a bit overboard, but i firmly believe 99% of the time that happens with a guy that wasnt right for you anyway. You said you gave up on finding a partner before him. To me that says you have not been loved enough past years (maybe its not true but it was for myself) and when this guy came along you went full on. But the reality is, and liz lemmon stated that already, you were love bombed and took it all in. Love bombing guys in general are not ready for a relationship. Meanwhile i state again you are too busy with wanting this relationship to happen when dude is really hard telling you he wants out. So invest some time on how to date instead. Read why men love b*tches (they in no way would sleep with a guy without condom without any talk about being exclusive, heck they wont sleep with him at all unless if they want a fling) and like i said Google 7 steps a guy falls in love