Too late?

Sorry to say so but you may be a bit dramatic for him, although it’s a red flag that he has recently ended a 2-year relationship.

Don’t know you well but try to handle your emotion next time, or avoid drinking in this case.

Thanks for your replies. The part that bothers me is that only the night before, he called me tipsy and said that he saw a future with us, had even considered how I could live with him in his new property and continue to run my business virtually there. He said he had “done the math” and I would be a good fit for him long term. He talked about how I would make a good mother and partner, etc. If anything, he came on rather strong To start a relationship, which is why I think I was so hurt and surprised that he was still planning to see other people (after he told me he wasn’t).

Personally, I think it is rather silly not to give someone a second chance that you claimed to see a future with. I admitted my mistakes, and that I had been drinking and wasn’t quite myself. Up until this point, he had said several things that made me think it was him that was pushing for a relationship, not me. I’m just in shock

I should also mention that I had to suddenly go back to my city to look after my dog, and he was so supportive the whole time. He called every day, and checked in on me. He even picked me up from the airport when I got here. He wanted to make plans over the weekend to go on the bike ride and even take me out on his boat. I know I messed up, but I don’t think I did anything that was so horrible he couldn’t even give me a chance to explain myself, especially since prior to that he said several times that we had a great connection and was excited to continue

This man was very clear he was not your boyfriend which means he was not yet invested. That is why he is not invested in fixing this.

He actually sounds like a good communicator and healthy people do not like to be threatened with breakups. It makes you seem unstable. What he said before this incident was in the moment and was not meant as a promise. When a man is not your boyfriend, you have little leg to stand on to make demands.

I am sorry, but your lesson here is to let the man lead, and if he is not committed, you are not either. Not to try to extract a commitment. You were right to pull back, but that should be in actions and not words… the actions are to make him do the work, pull back emotionally and potentially just end it for real as not on the same page. Not end it, then come back… you would have been better off with… I need to think about if this is workable for me and if I am ok with us not being exclusive by now.

You should have been way more patient and not so dead set on getting this man. You only knew him for a month. Yeah he said some stuff about seeing this going somewhere, but in the same convo he also said he wasnt sure, he wanted to play the field. And honestly thats fair for him. You should have acted the same. But instead you acted like a crazy dog with a bone. Sorry for a comparison like that but its merely to demonstrate that up to you posting this you have not let go. And at the same time turned cold, pushed him away, send him drunk messages saying to have a happy date. That really is enough to turn a guy off.
I do understand you had sex with the guy. Maybe for you thats just too soon. Or in the future make very clear what sex means: like free to date other people but not sleep with them.
In general guys dont bond through sex at all. And they wont get into a relationship after a month of dating. They need more time to decide if a woman is worth it for them.
So when you heard him saying the sweet words (deaf to the disclaimers) plus having sex, you thought this was a done deal and got upset after a month. So you need to find a wau to navigate your expectations and put them in boundaries for yourself so ypu dont go overboard. I do understand what happened but i dont think you can come back from this. So absolutely lose his number

I agree with ss and you need to learn how guys think and act. In the early stages they dont weigh things like: Yeah she sent me weird claimy drunk messages but i also so a future with her. No if they see one negative, its over and out. You can Google seven stages or steps a guy falls in love to understand this process better. It will help you lower expectations in the first 2 months. Good luck

I know many of you had said there was no hope in this situation, but isn’t it possible he does think about my positive qualities and does give me another chance? I am debating seeing some friends in another town 4 hours away for this weekend, but I’m also wondering if it’s better to stay here in case he might reach out to see each other. I likely will have to go back to my city next week as well…

I agree with what the other posters have said so far, so I don’t need to repeat what they’ve already said.

I like Newbie’s most recent point– that you’re convincing yourself this guy is some kind of great catch when (from what you’ve said) he talks over you and doesn’t let you talk about yourself. That actually sounds like a horrible date to me. And like Newbie I also find him talking about kids and moving in together, after dating one month, creepy and distasteful. It’s not the behavior of a mature, healthy man who is ready for a relationship. A man who is in a healthy mindset about relationships does not rush things with premature talk about kids and living together after 1 month. I’m not saying that makes him a terrible person, but I do think it’s a sign he’s not really in a mature headspace about wanting a new relationship. So I think it would do you good to take a step back and try to look at this guy with less emotion, evaluate him for who he is rather than who you want him to be.

As for whether you should go visit your friends this weekend– you should absolutely go see them. Don’t stick around hoping he might reach out. He asked for space, give it to him. The only way he might possibly change his mind (although it seems doubtful to me that he will) is to realize that he misses you and wants you in his life. The only way that can happen is if he doesn’t see you for awhile, and he sees you have other things going on, you’re not desperately waiting around for him to show up. You’ll become more appealing if you’re not at his beck and call and he has to chase you a bit. If he does happen to reach out about this weekend, just politely tell him you made plans to visit friends. It’s not like you and him have solid plans to get together this weekend, and he did ask for space, so you need to live your life. I myself would be totally offended if a guy said he “might” reach out over the weekend and actually expected me to sit around doing nothing in case he called. Screw that, I’m living my life.

Finally– in the future, yes, do not sleep with guys without a condom! Not unless you are in an exclusive sexual relationship and have talked about it.

Thanks again everyone for your comments. It has given me a lot to think about. I focused a lot on this man’s great qualities (has his own very successful business, is brilliant, kind to me, etc.) but he also was often all over the place and wasn’t able to be present enough to really get to know me. I think he was still processing the end of his relationship (he brought her up on more than one occasion) and not really in a headspace for a long term relationship, despite some of the things he said.

Although I messed up, it seems he was also genuinely just not ready for something serious. And yes I could have done better at taking things slowly, but after we had already had sex without condoms and him coming in me etc. I probably was never going to be okay with him dating others. I should have asked him early on like first or second date if he was looking for a relationship or if he felt he needed more time. I think he would have been honest with me and would have said he needed more time to date casually. Probably could have saved myself this current heartbreak, but in the end our timing was likely just off. I guess time will tell, but I think even if he does reach out while I’m still here, I will tell him that I need to focus on myself, work, and my family, which is true.

I’m trying to tell myself there is no point in asking “what ifs” and that I can’t undo what I’ve done. But in more reflection, I don’t think this was either 100% my fault or even a completely avoidable outcome.

“I should have asked him early on like first or second date if he was looking for a relationship or if he felt he needed more time.” Others may disagree but I think this approach will turn many guys off. It will just make a guy feel cornered that a woman he barely knows is asking if he’s ready for a relationship (“why is she thinking relationship? I just met her!”). You shouldn’t have what they call “DTR” (define the relationship) talks too soon. The first and second date are literally just barely getting to know a person. The guy might have no idea if he wants a relationship or not until he gets to know you a bit. Like Jen123 said, he just may not have been motivated enough by you to take the leap (even though it’s not what you want to hear); the next woman he meets might motivate him to commit to a relationship. Who knows.

Most guys don’t go out seeking relationships (it even says so in articles on this website); it’s more like, they date for companionship/sex, and eventually meet a woman who knocks their socks off and they fall in love with her and want a relationship at that point. Women are the opposite, many women date with the intention of finding a relationship. That’s not always the case with guys.

In my case, when I met my current bf, he was several years out of a terrible divorce. He wasn’t dating to find a relationship. He was dating for sex and companionship, but not a relationship (we actually talked about this after we had been dating awhile). We met, we clicked really well, and we fell in love. And now it’s 2 years later and we’re still together and talking about marriage eventually (not anytime soon, but in a couple of years perhaps). If I had tried to pin him down about whether he wanted a relationship on the 1st or 2nd or 3rd date, he would have walked away. We did however agree to date exclusively early on, and not sleep with other people, so that was my first clue that he was not anti-commitment. As it turned out HE was the one who asked ME to be his girlfriend in a committed relationship after several months of dating. Sometimes you just need to let things play out, especially with guys who have come out of bad relationships.

I’m not saying you should waste your time and date guys who don’t want what you want. But try not to date with an agenda. Be open and don’t be dead set on trying to force a guy into a commitment like a crazy dog with a bone (I love Newbie’s analogy). Watch a guy’s actions over time and he will demonstrate if he wants to commit to you. A guy who is telling you he wants to date other women is telling you he does not want to commit to you, at least not at this time. This guy was very open with you that he wanted to play the field a bit. So right there you should have known he was not looking for a serious relationship at this time. Just use all this as a learning experience for future guys you meet.

Because of his vague last statements i think paige comment is a very likely. Dont fall for it. You have to remember you are in this to date to find a partner. I think your last post entry pretty much sums up in what went wrong. But never beat yourself over the head with it afterwards. It just wasnt meant to be. He wants to play the field. It would be in your best interest in this case to say goodbye to him. Thank him, say bye and delete his number. But you have to really mean it otherwise it just looks like a ploy to get him to respond.

Hi guys,

I was just thinking, when I last talked with him I didn’t mention that I was open to taking things more slowly and continuing to see one another. I don’t know if this would have made any difference, but I wonder if part of him not seeing me now has to do with associating me only with a commitment he is not ready for (and honestly neither am I)