This topic contains 114 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ss 1 month, 1 week ago.
August 6, 2020 at 1:15 pm #800157
I feel you need more self growth before dating. You have to first be in the place that you only see him as a prospective “cherry on top” of your awesome life.August 12, 2020 at 1:25 am #801551
Honeypie, I can definitely see your point of view, and I think I oscilate between anxious avoidant and anxious preoccupied. I think here on this thread because I voiced so many of my preocupied thoughts, it came accross that way. But other than my strange text thread to him, I actually withdrew from him and communication and pushed him away. I think in trying to rectify my avoidant style, I overcompensated and went to the preoccupied side. I think maybe you and I are alike that way!
As a way of a small update, I did end up seeing him for lunch before I left. He mentioned something about going for a boat ride on the weekend (which I totally wanted to join, as you all know!) but I had already booked my ticket for Thursday night so I couldn’t make it. I felt bad about it afterwards, but now I think maybe it was for the best? Who knows. The night before when we spoke on the phone, he mentioned being worried about his ex as he had not heard from her and a friend of his saw her recently looking unwell. I think it’s clear he is not emotionally ready for a new relationship.
Anyway, at lunch, he was totally different. He seemed stressed and tired, I’m sure he was honest about his work stress. That being said, maybe he just wasn’t so interested in seeing me as he was before, who knows. It was his idea to meet for lunch, and he paid (despite me trying to at least split the bill) and at the end he kissed me on the cheek, which like he normally does. However, he mentioned not knowing if he wanted a girlfriend right now which was to me a pretty clear statement. However, he then followed it up with telling me he wasn’t going to go on any other dates while I was gone, but I don’t know why he shared this with me. I told him he was free to do whatever he wanted. He told me he would like for us to keep in touch and for me to let him know when I’m back in his city and he would take me to his new property. He called me “sweety” again, but since then it’s been a few days and I haven’t really heard from him. This wouldn’t bother me so much I think, had it not been for last time I was back home, and he kept in contact at least once every day.
Currently, I am having a very hard time not beating myself up over my embarassing drunken text tirade. I wonder if I hadn’t done that, if we would still be going at a good pace and perhaps he could work though his past relationship issues on the sidelines if we had been able to take our pace slower. I guess I’ll never know.
I guess what I’m looking for now is advice on how to move forward. I am so embarassed about this, but honestly this “break up” (it feels so silly to even call it that, but I don’t know how else to describe it!) has caused me more distress than the ending of my last relationship that was 2 years in duration. I feel that this is in part because it is open ended, or it at least feels that way. Also, because I was in such a vulnerable state when we began talking. I don’t really understand why he pushed the pace so quickly before if he wasn’t ready, but perhaps he didn’t know he wasn’t until I had expectations of him, who knows. Either way, i do really want to move forward. My friends think that it’s not over yet, that I should give him time, but I unfortuantely do not see how this could ever work out at this point. I just want to sort of forget it ever happened, but at the same time I do want to learn from my mistakes.August 12, 2020 at 8:16 am #801636
The best move you can make at this point is to fully ACCEPT it won’t evolve into anything that what you had, a short fling. This is the lesson you need to learn and develop as you attach yourself far too quickly and easily instead of taking the *stranger danger* approach which is to carefully: 1) *Listen* (BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES); 2) *Watch* his actions (do they mesh with his words or saying one thing but doing another?); and 3) *Observe* him for a good bit of time as a man will reveal his true intentions to you. You do this by asking *soft* questions and leading up to a *hard* one as you get to know each other such as: What’s your favorite sports team? Where’s your favorite vacation destination? When’s your birthday? What are your thoughts on marriage?
These questions aren’t intended to figure out where you stand with him but where HE STANDS in general. By getting him to open up and feel safe talking to you without judgement they will reveal their true honest thoughts to you, such as “I have no desire to get married again” or “I’m not looking for anything serious” (NEGATIVES) which tells you what frame of mind he’s is and if its even worth giving him more of your time if you are looking for a relationship.
I am naturally skeptical of a man’s intentions because of what my father taught me when I was young. Men are really good at sniffing out other men to determine if their intentions are good or not because he would literally tell me how the story was going to go with each man haha. Of course I tried to prove him wrong a couple times but he was always right! This is how I learned to keep a long-arm distance and not get swept up in a man’s flowery words or actions and keep my head out of the clouds of infatuation because that will kick you in the butt if you become overly swept up too fast, too soon. Like they say “Only fools rush in.”
You need to learn how to become the turtle, not the hare. Lean back and let the man do all the heavy lifting by leaning back (not asking him on dates, or initiating) and objectively listen to what he tells you then watch to see if they mesh up over a good period of time (few months) before you can really know what a man’s true intentions are. Men can get swept up in infatuation too so you really need to have your head out of the clouds and keep your wits about you before you can trust him enough to take the relationship journey with him, only if *HE* is leading you down the relationship path, if not, then that’s your cue to pull back even further and start the process of detaching yourself before you fall down the black hole again.
Like they say “practice makes perfect” but you have to practice it A LOT before you can perfect it. Based on your pattern its going to be much harder for you to rewire your brain to learn a new trick (leaning back and letting the man lead) so you will need to have a lot of willpower and perseverance to remain detached by keeping and your mind and wits about you during the infatuation phase. Maybe giving it a name such as “I’m not in love but only infatuated with this guy” over and over and over will help keep your mind from going haywire?August 12, 2020 at 9:28 am #801647
This post is still going on and you’re still seeing him, trying to decode his words and behaviors????
Girl, get a life. This is a ridiculous waste of your time. You’ve had great advice here and you just won’t follow it.August 12, 2020 at 9:55 am #801652
I’ll repeat what I said before. You are way overthinking this. Try to look at it from a different perspective. He told you flat out that he is not ready for a new relationship. That’s significant. He told you he was worried about his ex; a guy who is ready to move on would not make comments like that to a new woman he was dating that he potentially wanted a relationship with.
The fact that he told you he isn’t going on other dates while you’re gone is meaningless; it doesn’t mean that he’s waiting for you. He’s just not ready to date. Also keep in mind that this guy said a lot of things to you before that were patently untrue (about wanting a future, etc). So I wouldn’t totally believe everything he says. He seems to say things to you in the moment and then do the opposite. He may be telling you at lunch that he won’t date while you’re gone, and then the next day set up a date with another woman. You just don’t know. But you don’t control that, so you can’t worry about it.
He took you to lunch, paid, called you sweetie, wants to keep in touch, said he’d take you to his new property when you’re back in town– but you’ve not heard from him in the past few days. You need to put less faith in what this guy says, and look at his actions (which is what we’ve been telling you!). He was also tired and stressed during the lunch so I suspect he was not that into it. It sounds to me like he was going through the motions.
So as for how to move on. I don’t see this ending as “open ended”. I think this guy is very kind and patient and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. But I think his behavior is giving you false hope. You’re clinging to all the nice things he does and beating yourself up, thinking you ruined something great. But it doesn’t sound to me like this guy was ever ready to date. This thread is 5 pages long and multiple people have outlined the reasons why. I actually think the problem here is both YOU and HIM. He was not ready, you’ll never know “what if”, and you just have to accept that. Life is full of unknowns. Part of maturing and being an adult is accepting that there are things we’ll never know.
I would suggest not talking to your friends about it (or maybe just to one sensible, down to earth friend that you trust, if you have one); we already saw what happened when you followed your friend’s advice last time. Dating shouldn’t be a spectator sport. Having your friends in your ear telling you “it’s not over, he’ll be back” will not help you move on. I think you talk to them about it because it’s what you want to hear, but it’s not helping you.August 12, 2020 at 6:00 pm #801740
Sigh…. big, huge, massive SIGH ….August 12, 2020 at 6:12 pm #801743
You haven’t taken into account that he has only been single for six months. Try to do your best to accept that and respect where he is at.August 12, 2020 at 8:35 pm #801781
I couldn’t help but laugh when other ladies were surprised you that you were still talking about this. Sorry, I know it’s a bit mean. Please take things light, as we are responsible for looking after ourselves =).
Agree with Lane, and learn how to pick the right guy. Also, reflect on your pattern, which you have already started, and what sort of things you are talking to your inner self. To me, I have a self-prophesy that I don’t deserve a guy who loves me (which is completely not constructive and ended me chasing Mr unavailable. I think no one will loves me as I was bullied because I used to be chubby).
Maybe, spot the covo inside you, and try to nurture yourself and change that conversation. It’s good to go back to your counselor.
Last but not least, take things less seriously, especially now. Practice mindfulness, reward yourself, do exercises, or watch comedy. Life is supposed to be fun too not just melodrama.
Everything is going to be alright. Take care.August 13, 2020 at 3:52 am #801830
Thank you for your continued support and guidance, and for sharing your personal experience. I think I have accepted this as finished, I don’t imagine at all anymore the possibility of it being more than what it was. But what I can’t stop thinking about is my mistakes. I am so, so upset with myself that I allowed a “friend” to dictate my actions to me and let it get in my head. I reread our entire message thread, and it is so apparent now in hindsight that she was so negatively biased on him and the situation which a) was really none of her business, and b) she had never met him so really she shouldn’t have had an opinion of him at all. It was that day that I spoke to her that I simultaneously uninvited him to meet my brother and to fix my bike even though he offered so nicely, and proceeded to drink so much and confront him so strangley over text. I know I cannot blame this friend, and really I don’t, but I do blame myself for being so stupid to talk to her about my personal life and do as she asked as if she were my mother (and even then, I am a grown woman that doesn’t need to report to a parent!).
I knnow it is easy to say now, but I really was doing all that you suggest here prior to that day. I was observing him carefully, not saying too much myself as I listened to and learned about him. But that one conversation with that friend (2.5 hour long phone call!) totally changed my perspective and my old demons came out completely. I don’t understand why I did this. I keep wracking my brain trying to understand why, and all I can remember is that she texted me 2 times to call her (just like that: “call me now”) and I complied. Not to mention I didn’t want to talk to her. Not to mention it was in the middle of my work day and I really didn’t have time. It’s just so sad when I think about it. A very painful lesson indead. Anyway, thanks again for your help, I will remember what you’ve said moving forward!August 13, 2020 at 4:05 am #801832
I think no matter what, my brain will continue to overthink and process until it’s done. It’s happened to me a handful of times, usually bringing me to these forums. I know eventually this will be a distant memory, but I think I will be stuck here until I full accept and learn my lessons. And this is not easy for me to do, because I get stuck. Posting here helps, despite the harsh (and sometimes unnecesarily cruel) responses, but it’s okay. I imagine there is someone else out there reading this thread that identifies a little with me that is also benefitting from me writing.
I didn’t really think anytihng of what he said since all of this broke down, but I thought it relevent to the “story” of my post. I have accepted that it is over, that whatever was maybe possibly growing, is now gone. What I can’t seem to accept and forgive, is when it turned, and how I could have handled it so much better. How I WAS handling things well, until I let others get involved and lost my own head. I’m trying so hard not to go over and over that day, but it’s hard because I thought I knew better, but I still betrayed myself.
If I really think about it, it’s not so much that I desperately hope that things can turn around and he and I can be together and live happily ever after, it’s more I want things to go back to how they were before I made my mistakes. So I can “undo” them. But this is very silly thinking and of course impossible. I just so deeply regret a) sharing a part of my life that I didn’t want to with this “friend” and b) then listening to her “orders” of me. I am SO upset with myself about this, more than anything. Even since I’ve been home, she’s called me relentlessly demanding to know what happened, if I’ve spoken to him more, blah blah. I don’t know how in the world I didn’t see hot toxic this person is to me until all of this.
You reiterating that he wasn’t ready is actually very helpful. That despite my mistakes, it likely wouldn’t have panned out anyway. It helps the blows of my mistakes be a little less painful, but still painful nonethless. I guess dissapointment is the better word. I am dissapointed in myself because prior to this, I had probably 2-3 years of dating and other experiences that I felt proud of, no major mistakes like this one. I suppose it’s a relapse that I just wish never happened.August 13, 2020 at 4:08 am #801834
Thank you for this reminder. Like I mentioned earlier, this actually helps me to remember that it was still very early for him. I think I have been so focused and bothered and hurt by the fact I made these mistakes, that I am missing the forest (him not being ready for a relationship) for the tress (my mistakes).
That being said, a part of me still wonders if I had kept my emotions in check, not allowed nosy friends in and continued at the right pace (something I have struggled with in the past) would things have been different, would he have been able to become ready in time? I know no one can answer this question, and it’s pointless to ask, but my brain goes over it anyway. I hope in a little more time, it will stop and I can just move forward with my life.August 13, 2020 at 4:10 am #801836
something strikes me about your posts. All of the things about if you’d behaved differently you’d still be going or potentially going with this guy, if it wasn’t for you taking this advice or doing that… I can’t help but feel you are sidelining the part he played which to me is more significant given he got back in contact and all you wrote about that contact. He isn’t progressing this for his own reasons, nothing to do with you or anything you did, he sounds pretty all over the place to me.
He future painted, not you, he put it all out there of hope for the future not you!
There’s nothing you could have done differently i don’t think that would have changed thingsAugust 13, 2020 at 4:14 am #801837
I don’t really care if others find it funny or annoying or whatever else that I am still talking about this. It’s a public, free forum and I feel no shame in what I’m sharing. Like I mentioned earlier, maybe one day someone else will read these posts and be helped by them, so I don’t mind it being at my expense. Anyone that is truly bothered by it has all the freedom in the world to click away if they want. It says something about them when they choose to post something nasty instead, not me.
I can relate to you, I think as much as it confuses me, I have similar negative core beliefs. I am sad that they are not worked through as much as I thought they were, I think this is where my sadness from this situation stems from, rather than from losing the man himself. I had really thought in the past few years I was further along in my self love journey than it seems I am.
Sorry, what does “covo” mean?
You make a good point about not taking things so seriously! I am trying to care for myself physically as much as I can as I have not had much success in navigating my thoughts away from this situation. I think in time my brain will follow with my body though. Thanks for your help!August 13, 2020 at 4:20 am #801839
Thanks for your reply! You are probably right, maybe all of this would have happened anyway, it probably would have. And you’re right, if a friend told me the same story, I would probbaly take more issue in his behaviour than in theirs. He seemed so steady at the beginning, was always calling and checking in and being thoughtful, but it quickly changed in a matter of days (as it often does with Mr. Unavailables!) and I suppose my brain just jumps to the conclusion that it is 100% my fault.
It is so comforting to hear you say that you don’t think any thing I did or didn’t do would’ve changed things. I think what is keeping me stuck is this particular thought: “you are way further in your self growth than you thought, and because you messed up in ways you shouldn’t have, this is over and you hurt yourself and those around you by dissapointing them once again”. I’m trying to let it go because it doesn’t serve me at all, but it’s a persistent little bugger.August 13, 2020 at 12:20 pm #801898
I don’t see how anyone has been nasty to you. People have been blunt, honest and probably exasperated. You’ve had sooooo much great advice on this thread, but it seems you aren’t able to take it and act on it right now. It seems this processing (as negative as it is for you) is something you need to do – so you do you.
No one is trying to shame you, it’s a little frustrating to read all the self blame, blaming your friend (far too much in my opinion) and all the what ifs but as you say no one has to read it and it may help others.
If you read back my posts i even gave you a full on humiliating example of my similar situation a while back so you could see that the feelings you had (probably to a lesser degree) are common for other people.
I genuinely wish you the best and i am pleased posting on here has been a good outlet for you.
Take care and be kind to yourself x