Should I ghost him?


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  • #707093 Reply

    Duchess

    Thanks Melissa. What’s your take having been through a similar situation? He’s playing me right?

    #707098 Reply

    C

    In my culture there is a saying that relationships are like battles. It is like playing chess, to the minimum. So you should know what kind of attitude you should have had. You simply won’t let your opponent call the shot, cos one step wrong you are gone. You could say oh, I believe in love and I shouldnt be mean, I should play fair, but more often than not the men arent playing fair with you. If you easily give in to them, you are literally asking them to come and take advantage of you. And most of them will go ahead and take advantage.

    #707099 Reply

    JujuBee

    Duchess… some men figure out how to press women’s buttons. It’s pretty easy actually. A lot of women are too easily impressed and too eager to get into a relationship. You fell for it hook line and sinker. Now, I’m not blaming you or saying you’re stupid or anything. That’s not a put-down. ALL of us have been there at least once. This is a chance for you to learn. You fell for sweet words, you went too fast and didn’t slow him down a bit, you went to his for home date too early on.

    Simple rule to remember – the faster it goes in the beginning, the faster it burns out.

    I don’t think Pam is trying to unkind I think she tries to get women to see what their part is and take responsibility for it. You can’t do anything about someone else, you do have control over you. That is empowering.

    Hearing oh poor you, he played you, he’s a jerk, it’s not your fault, may feel better in the moment, but it doesn’t help you learn and grow. The truth is, if you are taking things at a reasonable pace, you can’t get played. That is definitely on you. Don’t just blindly follow a man’s pace.

    I find it very odd this man offered up the number of women he slept with – that’s usually a ploy to get you to name your number. Don’t do it. Ever. Men don’t really want to know.

    Maybe he was really sick, I don’t know. I’d pull back and just watch what he does. But I wouldn’t count on this going anywhere. Moral of the story – don’t get ahead of the guy. Wait on home dates, sex etc. Keep your eyes and ears open and your radar up. In the first 90 days you are evaluating him according to your standards with the understanding he may not make the grade.

    #707100 Reply

    Duchess

    Thanks jujubee. That was a very level-headed response and makes a lot of sense. Of course I understand my own part in this – I totally fell for his game, accepted the date at his home too quick, banged him too quick. In the moment I felt he was being genuine, I went with my emotions and not my brain. I ignored small signs.

    I just don’t agree with others trying to tell me it’s all my fault for falling for it. Where is his culpability for being a grade A a******? When it comes to playing with peoples feelings, emotions, heart…it’s just not ok. Whether I allowed him to or not. He is a jerk and I should be allowed to think so and not be told to blame myself for this.

    Thanks for your advice and I agree. I am not going to respond and just see what he does, and if he does reach out I will be upfront. I have nothing to lose. A man who is genuinely interested in me would fight for me, and man who is a douche will let me go.

    #707101 Reply

    Emma

    Ladies, I know what’s going on. Pam can’t read. LOL She has a text to voice app that is buggy. LOL. She heard 12 weeks somewhere and decided that I have a new lover every 12 weeks.. I wish..LOL haha.

    Now she insists that the OP asked this dude about how many women he slept with..He volunteered. Makes sense or not, he did.

    Some women are dogmatic, bitter and aggressive and they are quick to judge others.

    In terms of men playing women, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck you don’t need a court verdict. At best this was rude and inconsiderate of him, at worst he calculated his strategy in advance and probably tested it before as well (from being a real gentleman, to sappy texts, to dinners and foot massage to then playing hard to get deliberately finding excuses not to see you), with the most likely scenario being a bit of both.

    from my experience and from that of my female friends, a decent guy acts in a decent way. There are no unpleasant or humiliating surprised, no stunts of this nature. When a guy starts pulling stunts, usually in most cases, there will be more crap from him later on. In one way or another. That’s why it is better to cut your losses and cut him off sooner than later. But I understand that it is very hard to do, you’ve already slept with him, you are involved, you can’t just throw the whole thing in the garbage, and this is what they are counting on as well. The only way to protect yourself is not to consider courtship as signs of his personality and take time to get to know the real person, i.e. not to fall for the guy because he is good at courtship. It is hard to do, because we all like to be wooed of course! But it is simply UNSAFE.

    And stop all this “I have no right to say anything to him because I am not his GF”. You have all rights for common decency and respect.

    #707108 Reply

    Katie

    I have Tinder and I wouldn’t put much stock into distance updates- it’s possible the app could refresh in background and the app glitches. Also possible he may have logged in, but didn’t do anything with it. I don’t think you have enough evidence to conclude he is lying or playing you, unless there is some other info not here (i.e. the numbers offer was indeed odd and that’s what I would have noted-any other signs like that)? As for being sick, do you know what he is sick with? I have canceled dates because I had a migraine or something, which can last for a day.

    I would not ghost- not a cool or mature thing to do, unless someone was abusive or majorly disrespected you (which isn’t present in your post). I sometimes respond the next day-sometimes I can’t get to a text because work, out with friends, etc… unless it’s too late at night.

    I would not be expecting him to reach out to you if you ignored his question- why would they if you ignored them?

    If you want to see him again, you can either agree to the date he asked you on or write what another poster said- just be direct. I don’t see how he is playing you based on your comments. To truly know, time will tell (i.e. does he still take you out on proper dates). I think you need to slow down and continuing observing. He very well might have meant it when he said he wants a relationship, I don’t see where he contradicted yourself. I think a lot of assumptions are being made that are not backed by concreate evidence, at least not yet.

    #707109 Reply

    Yunni

    This guy pursued you passionately to the point where he suddenly felt something was off, then he backed off a bit, and you reacted in a way that made him feel you were not “cool” about him pulling back. Your eagerness to Get to getting together was unappealing to him. But he still was interested in seeing you, even though not as much as before. He behaves like a typical guy losing momentum at early stage and he doesn’t owe you anything. What wrong did he do?

    #707111 Reply

    Duchess

    So you’re saying his backing off was canceling our date, not apologising, or offering to reschedule until days later and after I asked him? He said he was so sick yet went out with his friends the next night? I don’t know, something is fishy to me. A man who is interested wants to see you as much as possible, particularly on a long weekend. He cooled off as soon as we had sex – the sappy messages stopped, in hindsight. He still would be affectionate, but the poetry and mushyness ceased. Communication slowed way down from Thursday evening (the day after our 5th date) and continued to slow right down throughout the weekend.

    Another thing, however small, but still comes across as dishonest: he claims he went into work on Monday the holiday, yet when he finally texted me that night after a day of silence (and never confirming or denying meeting up that night for dinner) he said it felt like a Sunday and he had to keep reminding himself it was actually Monday? Ummm if you went in to work as normal on a holiday, how would it feel like a Sunday unless you actually didn’t go in to work?

    Re: the Tinder thing, I noticed that he updated his top spotify artists or whatever that stupid feature is a couple of weeks ago, yet he claimed to me twice now he hasn’t used Tinder since we met. Why would someone bother updating their profile if they weren’t actively finding new women on there? Was he really that bored? That’s why I think he has been on, plus the location changing. Listen I understand he is not my bf but he did tell me he was not dating other women. Obviously I don’t know if he is. But the behavior this week just seems shady, and I think a genuine guy wouldn’t let it get to this point where I am having such serious doubts and misgivings.

    #707112 Reply

    Duchess

    So for the sickness thing, he sent me a message 5pm saying he was going to dinner with a friend. I responded an hour or so later, answered his questions, asked him where he was getting dinner, normal stuff.

    No reply until 10am the next day (day of our date), where he claimed he got suddenly sick at dinner with chills and he “knew immediately I was sick” and he went home straight to bed. He stayed home from work, just in bed. Didn’t say anything like I’m sorry but we’ll have to postpone our date because I’m so sick, etc.

    Then he said he still had to go into work the next day (Saturday), so that’s why he was staying home in bed all day and didn’t want me to come over. Saturday I don’t hear from him until late afternoon (unusual) and he claims to be magically nearly 100% better and that he is going out with his friends that night. See what I mean? And again no mention of rescheduling our canceled date. That’s where it seems fishy. A man who wants to see me would have made every effort to reschedule and would have apologised, even though he was sick. He essentially blew me off, and then blew me off again Monday when he never confirmed or denied our potential plan to hang out. Again, a red flag in my eyes, a man who wants to see you and respects you would have been clear and never left it ambiguous without so much as an apology.

    #707118 Reply

    Yunni

    You even answered ur questions yourself when you said
    “A man who wants to see me would have made every effort to reschedule and would have apologised, even though he was sick.”

    There you go, his interest level dropped, he wasn’t eager to see you. But he only lost interest, he wasn’t wrong.

    I’d do the same to any guy I lost interest about. If I were him, I’d still want to wait and see what happens next so I won’t cut things off. But clearly I feel something is off so I stop pursuing.

    #707121 Reply

    Katie

    Ok with the new info, it seems like his interest may have decreased. He might be taking some time to see if he wants to continue. He’s probably keeping his options open if he’s updating his profile.

    When he said he wasn’t dating anyone else, did he say just that or did he say something along the lines of that he is not dating anyone else and will not while with you. Those are two different things (I totally understand where you are coming from though, just trying to show how literal men are). So for the future, unless a guy says he is only seeing you, assume he is keeping his options open even if he didn’t take anyone else on a date.

    I don’t like how strong he came on with those lines though. It’s best to take those with a grain of salt, since many will say those in the moment. I would watch out for “sweet talking”.

    At this point it’s up to you whether you want to continue. I do think you pushed a little too much to fast over the weekend and should have given a little more space, which might have gotten him to back off (and I do see where you’re coming from OP, this advice is based on what my guy friends tell me about their dates).

    So at this point either you can tell him you’re not interested, accept the date and see what happens (i.e. does he continue taking you on dates with no home dates), or be direct (sorry can’t remember who gave you the good text to say, but it was earlier in thread). But if you continue I would let him take the lead and show you his interest level.

    #707123 Reply

    Miss_A

    I’ve read this whole thread, and one thing is clear.

    You obviously don’t trust him and are convinced he’s lying. You’ve only known him a few weeks and already have serious doubts about his character. I see no point in continuing here. Without trust there’s no foundation for a relationship. It’ll never work.

    But I don’t think you should ghost. He asked you for another date. I’d just reply, “Hey, I’ve thought it through and don’t think we’re the right match. I wish you the best.”

    #707124 Reply

    Duchess

    I did not nag him all weekend to see me. After Friday was called off I said hopefully we can see each other this weekend if you get better, to which he said “of course I want to see you silly!”.

    Later on, on Sunday, I then asked what he was doing on Monday, to which he did not say no to a date, he left it vague. I didn’t push it, I just said ok let me know if you can.

    Maybe I shouldn’t have suggested Monday, but I hardly think that was nagging. He didn’t even bother to not tell me Monday wasn’t happening until around 6:30pm, 24 hours later, and I did not text him once during that time to ask again. So before you get all judgemental Jay, look at the facts.

    #707125 Reply

    Duchess

    Katie, good point. He didn’t say he was only dating me, explicitly. He said I am not dating other women. I didn’t really think there was a difference but I guess there is in man-language. I will keep that in mind.

    I’ve decided I may as well give it one last shot, as most of my misgivings are indeed based on assumptions. I know I’m probably right, but I have nothing to lose by seeing him again and hopefully having an honest conversation and observing his behavior. I am definitely more alert now.

    #707128 Reply

    Marina

    Hi OP, you were being pushy IMO. Although you didn’t mean to, but in his eyes it was pushy. Please re-read your replies, all showed your eagerness to meet up (whether u meant it or not). Same situation when you decided to asked him how many dates he needs before exclusivity. In ur head you were asking the”same” question, but for him you were pushing for exclusivity after sex. The timing was all wrong. When you do some actions you need to think what they are looking in the recipient’s eyes. You do come off pushy.

    #707134 Reply

    Danita

    Ohh, ignore the troll, it will get tired if it has no attention. It is just trying to provoke you.

    I think it doesn’t matter what he does or thinks. I think you definetely don’t feel comfortable in this situation and you don’t trust his words. And on such an early stage. I personally wouldn’t bother, but I wouldn’t ghost either. If I were to move on, I would tell him. Someone suggested before something between those lines and I think it is a great response: Hey, it’s been great getting to know you, but I would prefer to find a man who can focus on developing a relationship with me. Best of luck.

    And I didn’t know that this forum was only for Americans o_O

    #707135 Reply

    Hannah

    Personally, I wouldn’t see him again. You have serious concerns about his honesty that are justified and you know his interest level has declined. Whenever I’ve ignored my gut, it’s been a big mistake! Equally, I have had times when I’ve had doubts about a guy but my gut has told me to continue.

    Your gut is telling you something is wrong though isn’t it? I wouldn’t ignore that. I know you say you have nothing to lose, but you’re already invested in this guy. The more you see him, the more attached you’ll get and the more you’ll ignore your gut.

    Danita, no this forum is for everyone! As you know, American dating cuture is different to European. But we’re all human and we all fall in love the same way. Newbie is a perfect example. She’s a European with an American. I have friends with African, Caribbean, Indian and Chinese dating cultures happily married to Europeans. Love is love. People in love act a certain way. People who are really into you act a certain way.

    Emma, I always thought you were in the US!

    #707136 Reply

    Hannah

    Unless Duchess your gut is telling you he is a good guy and he is really into you?

    #707140 Reply

    Danita

    I agree that the gut feeling is important. I usually can feel something is coming way before it happens. Everytime I ignored it and decided to “play it cool”, it turned out that I didn’t make a good choice.

    I made the comment about the forum being for Americans, as on the previous page someone said that someone’s opinion is irrelevant, because she is not from USA. But I know it was just some stupid remark.

    #707145 Reply

    Elle

    I had something similar happen to me. I was seeing a guy for a month and I noticed the guy was acting different after we slept together. I had a really bad gut feeling.

    Then I found out he lied about using Instagram and found out he was seeing others from it. He didn’t lie when I asked if he was seeing others.

    I’m pretty sure if I stayed in that situation I would’ve been a part of a rotation until he was done with me. I noticed that I only saw him on sundays and when I asked to meet on his free day he would always be out with ‘friends’. This happened over the course of 3 weeks.

    I’d say maybe give it some time? If you see a pattern developing where he disappears more often and only wants to see you when it’s convenient for him, then maybe you should think about it. Maybe go a bit slower with him now and see if he tries to step up.
    If he doesn’t then then you might get your answer.

    Maybe I didn’t handle my situation properly cause I immediately went into asking him what he was looking for (which I probably should’ve done before), but I guess I quickly realised that we weren’t on the same page.

    Also, I don’t agree that this is your fault or because of something you lack in any way. I’m a believer that if a person is interested in you or likes you, then they’ll keep trying especially if you’re sincere.

    I have a friend in a committed long term relationship and they met on tinder, slept together on the first date and she was the one to ask him first if he was going to keep on seeing her. He stopped using tinder the first time he met her without her even asking.

    I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to do anything :) I really hope it works out for you! Good luck!

    #707178 Reply

    kaye

    I do think you nagged him to see you. First Friday you want to come over and bring him soup (which assuming this is food poisoning or a stomach bug which came on quickly, the last thing someone would want is food!) and he has to tell you no he wants to sleep. Then you comment how “hopefully we can see each other this weekend.” He doesn’t initiate on Saturday or Sunday and pretty much goes MIA so instead of you allowing him to initiate on Sunday you ask what he’s doing on Monday (which is a holiday) but he might pop to work and do a few things. And pushes you off to “maybe some other day that week we could do dinner”. Yet again you PUSH with “we could always have a quick dinner” regarding Monday night. He follows up 24 hours later on his promise to get dinner together this week. So the way I see it you initiated seeing him 3 or 4 times over the weekend. I DO think he’s seeing other people. I mean supposedly he had plans Thursday night with “friends”, Friday night with YOU and Saturday night with “friends” but your date is the only one that he backed out of. And he pushed you off for the entire 3 day weekend even though he could go to work and have dinner with friends. Now he wants to see you during the week when before he went 9 days between dates because he wanted it to be on a weekend when he didn’t have work the next day. He’s lost interest and the more you push and look desperate the less he’s going to be attracted to you.

    #707181 Reply

    Pop

    Oh it’s always painful to read about this stuff even though it’s all very common.
    I agree with Kaye. OP absolutely acted like a girlfriend when she wasn’t (yet). The guy was smooth and I do think he was very good at making women believe things were going somewhere when he was only testing the waters.
    We don’t know if he’s a liar and a real player. We don’t know what his intentions are based on OP side of story.
    His behaviors are all too common, that’s for sure. And women myself included repeatedly fall for this!
    We’ve all been there one way or the other.
    It’s gross and annoying.
    But learn from it and don’t fall into this trap again! Now you know what they do.
    I’d let this one go. He’s not that into you. Not worth your emotional energy.
    When a guy is into you, you never question it. It’s true. You will always feel at ease and you just enjoy it. It doesn’t matter if you give the guy a hand job on date 1. If he’s into you a great relationship will happen naturally. So if it’s not happening naturally, let it go.

    #707184 Reply

    Mackenzie

    Duchess,

    I think a few have been very harsh and annoying in this post. Your actions or suggestions may or may not have come off as nagging but rather sweet and understanding ie..bring soup over or having a quick lunch….you were expressing your interest. The only thing I think that shouldn’t have happened was you asking about exclusivity and keeping your options open whether or not he was on tinder or not since it was never established you 2 were ever in a relationship, just still dating.

    I agree that I believe he was keeping his options open. I do find it slightly funny that he was well enough to eat out with friends but was evidently “too sick” the day you wanted to bring over soup….so….someone mentioned on this page that you’d be “too sick” for soup…ok got it…but if you’re in HIS SHOES, you cool with going out to eat with friends though? Please shed some light on THAT,while you continue to place all responsibility in Duchess. Thanks :-)

    #707187 Reply

    anon

    I love that we live in an age where being sweet and looking for clarification in plans is seen as pushy, but poor communication and shadiness is just a “guy thing”. The problem is that Duchess, nice women get rolled on over in dating and lots of women take glee in nitpicking and calling you out. Like somehow, being a nice woman is a fault.

    Bottom line is that you didn’t do anything “wrong” as a human. You played a game wrong. I’m of the opinion that if you have to game a guy into being interested in you, how long is that really going to work for?A guy who was legit into you would never have made you ask for a date. He would have kept you in the loop. He would have seen the soup offer as very sweet.

    I’d go out with him once more if he wants to. Make him take you somewhere nice. Tell him you don’t play games. Tell him what you want, and if he can’t rise to meet that, he can jump back into the dating pool and chase game players until his heart’s content.

    #707202 Reply

    Phillygirl

    @Duchess, I think there is a lot you can learn from this if you step back.

    I agree that you were being too pushy and trying to initiate time to see this guy. In the first couple months, or at least until you are an established, exclusive couple, you should let the guy do all the leading.

    It’s a very solid gauge of his interest. A man makes time (and makes available his premium time (like Friday or Saturday evenings) for a woman he is really interested in

    You should always uphold your personal values, especially in dating. If you are a nice person, don’t be nasty. But there is a world of difference between too accommodating (nice/doormat), versus a confident woman with strong solid boundaries. A confident woman knows her value, and doesn’t let anyone trample on it. She has a full busy life, and acts like the CEO of it. That means you expect and require men to “court” you. Yes, it’s an outdated term, but it needs to come back with a new coat of paint, since so few women seem to understand it. A man needs to court you. That means he needs to make time, plan a date (doesn’t have to be costly or extravagant) even a walk in the part and ice cream can be a great ice breaker, and he needs to follow up and show he’s a gentleman. He needs to step up and MAKE AN EFFORT. Flowery words, especially from a guy you barely know either mean absolutely nothing, or worse, he’s just a gushing BS-er who uses this tactic on all women to get in their pants. I think this one was mostly after sex, and got it.

    Sex is a natural and normal desire. The problem comes when women say they won’t have sex outside of an exclusive relationship, yet break their own boundary. If you don’t want casual sex, don’t have it until you have clarity and both clearly agreed that is what you are doing. If you say or mean one thing, and do another, you are the only owner of the consequences of your choices.

    You should be having a full busy life, with friends, activities, hobbies, and other dates. A man does not get my undivided attention if he doesn’t earn it. And he does that by being honest, respectful, courteous, and showing interest… CONSISTENTLY OVER TIME.

    Anyone can be sweet or interesting over a short period of time, especially if they have their own short term agenda. But a person’s true self unfolds over more than just a few weeks. YOu allowed yourself to fall for him much to fast, because you were not being busy with your own fabulous life. We all have to make one!

    I don’t want casual sex. So I don’t date men who push for it early and don’t respect me enough to want to get to know me outside the bedroom. If a guy is not looking for a relationship, I don’t harbor ill feelings toward him. I just move along.

    You did NOT vet this guy properly. I do believe your gut instinct is right and you should avoid him further. If you see him, I would absolutely not have sex or do anything sexual with him-and only agree to an actual public date.

    If he only wants a home date or tries to set something up that is very intimate, you absolutely know it’s only sex. I wouldn’t agree to that.

    I would bet money this guy is seeing and sleeping with other women. The faster they push and the stronger they come on at the beginning (with over the top compliments and mushy-gushy talk) the more you can be sure it’s verbal vomit.

    You allowed yourself to be lulled by simple, easy, low to no effort words which mean nothing. A man’s word is only as good as his actions, and those actions only mean anything when they are observed over a much longer time frame and remain consistent.

    His behavior DOES prove his interest. It’s low. You know it, but don’t want to acknowledge it. He’s looking to have some fun (sex) with you, and based on everything you’ve said so far, I will stake it right now, that that is ALL he is about.

    Please step back and see how you can use everything you’ve learned from this experience so you don’t fall for it again.

    Guys don’t pull this stuff on me anymore, because I smartened up and set clear boundaries I don’t set aside for anyone. And in the process, a better caliber of man generally approaches me, because I don’t have time for nonsense, and it’s obvious.

    You can too, I hope you do.

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