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June 11, 2018 at 8:31 am #706926
So. I’ve been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks from Tinder. We met, and immediately hit it off on our first date after talking for about two weeks. He was a lot more attractive than his pics, and was such a gentleman from the get-go, pulling my chair out, walking on the sidewalk closest to the road, paid for everything, etc. and on top of that the conversation flowed so well, we were both laughing and smiling the whole night. He walked me to the train station, and gave me a respectful cheek kiss. I then was going on holidays for two and a half weeks a couple days later, but we texted every day while I was away, usually long messages (his were often longer than mine).
Two days after I got back we had our second date, and it went amazing. We spent 5 hours together and he asked me a lot of questions about myself, would touch my legs occasionally, would just look into my eyes and smile, etc. so I was thinking things were going great. Date three happened 9 days later, as he was busy and wanted to see me on a weekend where we wouldn’t have the pressure of having to get up early for work.
We had an AMAZING date. I was so into him, he even asked me how many dates I needed before becoming exclusive with someone, to which I replied I didn’t have a number rule, it just depended how it went with that person and there’s no way to predict that. Anyway the night went amazing and we finally had our first kiss over dinner, which was sweet and romantic. We went to a couple bars after, talked and talked, he opened up to me about personal things in his life and his previous relationships, and told me he wasn’t looking to waste anyone’s time, that he did want a relationship. We eventually wound up at his place. We didn’t have sex, but we did makeout.
Anyway, after that date he started sending me the most soppy, sweet, cheesy texts all the time. I’ve never been on the receiving end of these sorts of messages, and unfortunately I lapped it up. There was so much build up for our 4th date, which he invited me to have at his home and he would cook for me and we would just have a nice chill night. Well of course we also ended up having sex, and I stayed over, and stayed over the entire following day. Now according to me everything was going great, he was so attentive, he was massaging me feet while we watched a movie, still asking me questions about myself…I decided to ask him the same question he asked me, which was how many dates he needed to go exclusive.
This is where things got a little awkward and he seemed to think I was asking him when we’d be in a relationship, which isn’t what I meant, I just meant that now that we were sleeping together that it would mean we weren’t still dating other people, to which he agreed. He said he didn’t want to rush into a relationship and that it would happen naturally and that we were “getting there”. He’s 33 and wants to settle down he said (I’m 27).
After that date however I noticed his text messages contained less soppy, cheesy things, but still were affectionate and were still at pretty much the same frequency as before. The next date (#5) came around a few days later and everything seemed fine, he said he missed me, he said he looked back at our previous date and thought it seemed “so right” and “so natural”. We slept together on this date also, this time at my place, but he didn’t sleep over as we both had work the next day.
We arranged to go on a date 2 nights later, Friday night. This is when things got weird. Thursday at 5pm I heard from him and he said he was going out to dinner with a friend, and asked my plans for the evening. I texted back about an hour later and never heard from him again that night, which was unusual. He didn’t respond until around 10am the next day and said that he suddenly got sick last night and had to go to bed, and that he was in bed still and wasn’t going in to work that day. I was immediately suspicious and alarm bells went off in my head that he randomly got sick so suddenly, but I thought I was just being crazy and that I should trust him. So I replied as normal, offered to come over that night with some soup (we were meant to go on a date remember) but he said he was so ill he’d just be sleeping.
No mention of rescheduling, apologising, or making it up to me. I was like ok that’s alright he’s really sick, I’ll just not think too much of it, I’m sure he will. Also, he was meant to work the following day, suddenly (saturday). This is also a long (3 day) weekend, with monday a holiday. Anyway we texted a few more times that day and he seemed normal, sweet, affectionate, etc. but again there was a long gap in the conversation on Saturday (about 18 hours) keep in mind this is UNUSUAL for our texting so that’s why I noticed. He also went out to dinner that night with his friends despite being sick, he said he was feeling much better and it was a previously arranged dinner. Ok, that’s alright, I thought.
Cut to him taking even longer to respond to me the next day, Sunday, this time without so much as an apology in the delay. I had said a couple days prior that I hoped to see him this long weekend if he is feeling better, to which he replied “of course I want to see you silly, if I ever get over this bloody sickness”. So on Sunday I asked him what he was doing the next day and if he was free maybe we could get together. He replied and said he might have to pop into work and do a few things, but IF he couldn’t see me than maybe some other day that week we could do dinner.
I responded a couple hours later and said yeah just let me know how you’re going tomorrow, we could always have a quick dinner (I mean if he’s working then why wouldn’t he be able to have dinner? based on his texts and things he says in person he should be dying to see me!). Well. He did not reply unil 630pm Monday night and said he’d gotten to work around 11am (so what was he doing that morning that he couldn’t be bothered to reply to me?) and then had a late lunch with his boss and was only just getting home now. I also noticed his location has changed on Tinder, which means he’s been active, despite him telling me on Wednesday that he hasn’t used Tinder since we met. So he’s clearly lying about that. (Yes I admit to going on Tinder to see if he’d been active, I wasn’t using it myself for swiping or chatting with other men).
My question is, he responded to me 24 hours later and in the longish message he suggested we get dinner together this week or weekend. My instinct is this guy is doing the slow fade/benching, is dating other people and tindering, and is a liar on top of it. I suspect he was never sick and probably just wanted to get out of our date so he could date other women this weekend and that’s probably why his replies have all of a sudden gotten so slow. What do you ladies think? Should I just not bother replying and kick him to the curb? Or agree to a date? The problem is I can’t even call him out on this without seeming crazy, since he is not my bf. So not sure meeting up and bringing any of this up is even worth it. Should I just not reply and see what he does?June 11, 2018 at 8:40 am #706927
I agree with your assessment of what is going on. Probably another woman. Trust your instincts. Don’t second guess your gut feeling.
I agree that it’s not worth dragging a confession out of him . I don’t think he is telling the truth.
The gushy stuff would have continued if he was sick. For sure. He would have been gushing to you whilst lying in bed.
Smart girl!June 11, 2018 at 8:41 am #706928
Out of principle, don’t ghost. Fading stinks but too many people think it’s OK to ghost.
Be the bigger person. End it with a call or in person, “Hey, it’s been great getting to know you, but I would prefer to find a man who can focus on developing a relationship with me. Best of luck.”
It’s a good response because if he is interested, it gives him a chance to be honest/step up. But you don’t look crazy by accusing him of seeing other women.
If you are just done, just shoot him a text- “Hey, this isn’t working for me any more. Best of luck with your dating.”June 11, 2018 at 8:43 am #706929
So should I just not bother replying to him?June 11, 2018 at 8:45 am #706931
No, reply by ending it. Short and sweet.June 11, 2018 at 8:48 am #706932
Perhaps you could reply as if you lost interest, not revealing that you are mad as hell at what went down.
Just make it final and very short.June 11, 2018 at 8:50 am #706933
Ugh. The problem is I do have feelings for this guy already, but he is disrespecting me and showing me that I am now low priority to him, and I don’t know why. It will be hard for me to be the one to end it.
Is there any point in going on one last date with him, “just in case”?June 11, 2018 at 8:54 am #706934
Omg, no!! That is sick. He blew you off, lied big time as if you are an idiot. He’s not good enough for you.
You are honest and caring. He is using the fact that you are such a caring person that you will go the extra mile in a relationship. But he won’t. Don’t get pushed around.
It’s the truly nice, loving women that get treated bad, because you can’t imagine doing what he did to someone.
He spent the weekend with another woman in his bed!!!June 11, 2018 at 9:02 am #706936
Anne, my thoughts exactly :( He knows that I am nice and loving. I let people into my heart too easily. He even fed me some line about how my amazing aura and beautiful soul is unmatched…so he is fully using me to his advantage to fill his bed with multiple women.
He also told me he only sleeps with women he is going to date, and that he’s only slept with around 10 women total. Well based on his behavior that is BS!June 11, 2018 at 9:06 am #706937
Part of me wants to call him out as well but I guess there’s no point and I will just look insane.
I’m sick of men calling women crazy, when really it’s their behavior that makes us crazy. I’m honestly so sick of this and I’m losing hope there are any decent men left.June 11, 2018 at 9:09 am #706938
I mean he *could* legit be sick and needing space to think things thru. I thought Tinder is basically always on if it’s on your phone, so updates location without you necessarily swiping.
I would not necessarily jump to the conclusion that he is with other women. He may be an avoidant personality.
If you are into him, maybe practice some radical honesty, “Hey, I really enjoyed our time, hope this can progress forward. However, you have seemed very distant lately. Shoot straight- what do you want out of this?”June 11, 2018 at 9:12 am #706941
Did his last text require a response? If not, I would just not respond and have the mind set of ending this if you choose. Then pull way back. If what you think is true, no need to ghost, he will fade away on his own, or if its not true what you think, then he has to step way up to win you back. That’s what I’d do. Good luck.June 11, 2018 at 9:19 am #706943
His last message was asking to go on a date this week or weekend, so yes it did require a response. I just don’t know if I should go on a date with him again or not, or just end things, or call him out.June 11, 2018 at 9:38 am #706945
Was his last text “when are you available to get together this week?” Or “we will have to make some plans for this week.” ?? Note the difference. One is being assertive. One is more in line with the slow fade. I wouldn’t be reaching out to this guy. Trust me – when they’re interested – they come back. If you don’t respond and he wants to see and talk to you – he will reach out. If he doesn’t – you have your answer. You’re not going to win him over with another date “just to see.” He is either into it or he’s not. The only way you’ll get your answer is by being quiet (or in the alternative asking him point blank as others suggested. I wouldn’t do that though. I’d save myself some dignity.)June 11, 2018 at 9:41 am #706946
So you waited all weekend, while he was unavailable Saturday night and Sunday morning. Then on the holiday he still was unavailable.
And we don’t think he was telling the truth. Liars are hurtful to others. They are pretty easy to spot.
He will only drag you down.
Now he is throwing out the possibility of an upcoming date, sucking you back in like a sucker.
The only place that will get you is sex again, if he keeps the date, which he will if he has nothing else going, and he will still be sleeping with whoever he wants after that.
My point is, he is a liar, there is a difference between a man dating multiple women and a playing,(the gushing and home dates). Liar.
So I would not give him the chance to make you wait all week for a liar.June 11, 2018 at 9:58 am #706949
You did the typical thing women keep doing. You had a few good dates,allowed him a home date (which means he was wanting sex) had sex with him, and then created all these expectations in your ind about this going somewhere. It’s classic. You had sex, then asked him how many dates he does u til exclusive, and he’s decided to pull back. This is where you are supposed to let the man make the first move for exclusive. If you wanted a chance at exclusive you should have answered his question directly and said no sex until exclusivity. But instead you faked it and said you’ll take things as they go. Which you didn’t because you had sex and now are calling him a jerk because he is not longer actively chasing you. Men say all kinds of things in the beginning when they are excited to be with a new woman. It doesn’t mean you allow yourself to get so caught up in it. You take things slower, you pace things, and you wait to see if he is consistent over time with you. You give him time to emotionally attach, because that’s the reason men stick around. Not the sex. It’s up to you what you decide as far as more dates with him. I’m confused when you said that he agreed to not dating anyone else but you, yet he wasn’t ready for exclusive. What does that even mean? If you aren’t exclusive you are a free agent to do what you want. You might want to clarify things more in the future.June 11, 2018 at 10:10 am #706952
Tbh I was confused about the exclusive thing too when he brought it up on our 3rd date. I thought exclusive meant when you become bf/gf, essentially. The commitment and the label. But when I said that he disagreed and said no that label comes later after you’ve been exclusively seeing each other for a while. So I was like ok, I guess that’s what people think exclusive is these days.
So when I brought it up to him after sex, I was meaning in the context of us not dating other people but not being in a committed relationship, because I thought that was his definition.
I do see my mistake now. I never should have had sex with him with that not cleared up. My answer was truthful in that I don’t have a set number of dates rule, that it’s by person type of thing, but I am not interested in casual sex which I did tell him. He claimed he wasn’t either. So I have him sex thinking naively we were on the same page but clearly we weren’t and I got played. I’m thinking I just won’t reply and if I hear from him again I will say that I have a gut feeling that he is not who he says he is and best of luck in his dating.
Btw his text said “what are you up to tonight, we should tee something up this week/weekend if you are free?” And a kissy face *roll eyes*June 11, 2018 at 10:18 am #706954
He didn t play you. So frustrating how women go ahead and have sexwhen things are as clear as mud, and then blame the man. You don’t goby his definition, you go by a definition you both agree upon. But instead you decided to pretend he was on the same page and felt burnt afterwards. If you aren’t clear and have firm boundaries, you can’t blame the man if things don’t work out. Stick to what you say you want. You told him you don’t have casual sex and yet on date 4and 5 you had sex without knowing his intentions. That’s having casual sex. How can a man take a woman seriously who tosses out what she will or will not do, but then goes ahead and contradicts those words with actions? I also don’t understand you wanting to tell him that he isn’t who he says he is. What does that even mean? He didn’t promise to make you a gf, he didn’t agree to exclusitivity, and you had sex of your own free will. You can’t say you didn’t know he had a home date and didn’t want sex. He could say the same about you. You said you don’t have casual sex and you did. You said you don’t have set number of dates for exclusive and yet after sex you start asking him about it.June 11, 2018 at 10:26 am #706955
I’m sorry but I don’t agree. When I brought up exclusivity again, he agreed and said that he is not dating other women. He also said to me on two separate occasions he hasn’t been on tinder since we met. I now know that is a lie based on his profile being active.June 11, 2018 at 10:29 am #706956
I’m not saying I did the right thing, but I thought I did know his intentions. He told me he thought we were heading into being in a relationship and that we were getting there and it would fall into place naturally. He said he’d rushed into his last two relationships and didn’t want to do it again.
Bottom line is he lied to me and played me and yes I fell into it but I don’t agree that it’s all my fault.June 11, 2018 at 10:31 am #706957
Are you sure his profile is active? I think it’s always on unless you delete the app. I haven’t been on Bumble in ages and I checked it- I had a ton of new “matches” so its obviously telling people I still exist. It also automatically updates geography. Unless he has changed his profile, you really don’t know.
You really only have two choices, end it without really knowing what is going on OR be direct with the guy. Give him one chance to step back up.June 11, 2018 at 10:50 am #706958
You don’t know he dated another woman. Just because he didn’t see you all weekend doesn’t mean he was on a date. When a man pulls away you don’t push forward. You pull back. All I’m saying is the dynamic somehow changed based on your vibe, body language, what you said m that made him slow things way down and pull back. If you let him be, he might have needed time to think things through and come back to you. Ire read what you wrote about the holiday weekend. You totally started acting like a gf and were constantly at him to meet up with you. You asked to bring him soup? Then you said you texted him about wanting to see him sometime over the weekend. Then on Sunday you pushed to see him on Monday for dinner, even though he said he had to work. Do you see how the dynamic changed. One minute you were dating and he was doing all the work, then after sex you started to act like an exclusive gf wanting to bring him soup and askingto see him. This is exactly what women do after having sex. They have new expectations. I think if you laid low and let him come to you, you would have salvaged some of the power in this situation, but it seems the more he pulled back, the more you kept pushing him. I doubt he was seeing other women. I think he had 5 intense dates over a very brief period of ONLY 4 weeks! That’s way too early for most people to go exclusive. You tried to rush Things. I would go on another date again and see what happens. But stop chasing him. Let things happen naturally and let him lead.June 11, 2018 at 10:52 am #706960
Ohhhh. He TOLD you that he rushed forward too quickly in the past? Well, there is your answer. You have only been dating for four weeks. No wonder he started to pull back. Yetyou kept rushing and pushing him.June 11, 2018 at 11:00 am #706964
I don’t think I pushed things at all. I offered to bring him soup that night when he made no mention of our planned date at all or canceling or anything all he said was he was sick. When he said he was too sick and would just be sleeping I said ok, hopefully we can see each other this weekend if you feel better and that’s when he said of course he wanted to. The next night he said he was 70% better and went to dinner with his friends…
I asked him what he was doing on Monday the holiday and he said he was going into work and IF he couldn’t see me then maybe another night. Basically he left it vague and unconfirmed, hence I said ok just let me know how you go and if you want to do dinner or not. And he never got back to me until dinner time and then asked if I was free sometime this week or weekend. I felt that was disrespectful to have let 24 hours go by when he never actually said no to dinner that night.
Looking back I shouldn’t have ever asked him to meet up and let him do it. I just felt that we were at a stage where we would both be wanting to see each other and I could be the one to ask without it being “bad” but I see that that “rule” is there for a reason and the man should ALWAYS chase.
I appreciate your viewpoint Pam, maybe I should agree to another date. I just fear that my gut instinct is correct and he is a player and I’m just prolonging the agony essentially.
Anon I’m pretty sure with tinder you can have it set to only knowing your location when you are actively using it. I guess I don’t know if he has that setting on or not.June 11, 2018 at 11:04 am #706965
Also, after the rushing convo you mentioned Pam, we did see each other again and we didn’t discuss any exclusivity or deep and meaningful relationship talk. We just had a nice time together and talked about lots of things. So I don’t know, I really don’t think I was rushing him and that he’s now pulling away because he’s scared or because he feels I’m trying to lock him down too quick. And plus he’s the one who brought up the exclusive question on the third date which surprised me!