This topic contains 151 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by redcurleysue 6 years, 8 months ago.
September 5, 2014 at 10:53 am #362942
Don’t respond! Keep up with the NC because he’s only trying to get his ego stroked to see if you miss him. DO NOT reduce yourself to a mean vengeful angry woman because it just lowers your value as an individual. Children engage in this type of behavior, not mature adults.
My ex used to try and BAIT me this way, but I held firm and didn’t respond because it will set you BACKWARDS by focusing on him again. Let it go and take the high road! :-)September 5, 2014 at 11:46 am #362958
Choo Choo! Let the drama train simply pass you by. Do not get on it, and take a walk to your favorite ice cream shop instead!September 9, 2014 at 4:10 pm #363508
Having some problems posting so i’m going to try and break my post up to see if it helps…here goes…September 9, 2014 at 4:12 pm #363510
Hi all…I think there were too many posts on my previous thread so i’m starting a new one…
haha! talllady..choo choo, you make me laugh.
Well…since we have broke up he has been in touch at least once a week for one stupid thing or another. It’s been 2 months now so I decided to reply to tell him that he really needs to stop contacting me at this stage. I sent him a message saying “Hi ex, I don’t think we should speak right now, maybe in time but just not right now, I hope everything works out for you, take care”. Well I had no idea what would follow later on!!! At 4.30am….yes 4.30AM!!! (he’d obviously had a skinful) my phone started ringing (his number). I thought, you know what, I had enough of the drunken calls at this time when we were together so I just turned my phone off and went back to sleep….September 9, 2014 at 4:13 pm #363511
In the morning I was dreading turning on my phone and praying he hadn’t left a voicemail because I really didn’t want to hear his voice. I had several missed calls and text messages from him. After the first couple of times he had tried to call he sent a message saying “forget it then Claire, I hope you’re loving life”(oh dear, rather agitated are we!! haha) …then after that the next message said “ignore the text above, i’m drunk and i’m a c@@t, i’m so sorry for hurting you (and then my pet name that he used to call me)”. After that he tried to call again and then the final message said “Message received, loud and clear, i’m sorry for contacting you, i’m going to delete your details now so you don’t have to bother with a pathetic excuse for a man, take care xxx”
Nice. I didn’t respond to any of this, just ignored it all…
A couple of days later I got this… “Hi Claire, i’m really sorry for contacting you when I was drunk the other night, it was out of order for me to disturb you like that, i’m back at (military base abroad) now, look after yourself and i’m sorry again chicken”.
An hour later I just put “thanks for the apology”… god knows why, yes I slipped up but I felt at least a small reward for good behaviour was ok.
Yesterday he must have picked up his mail which has been waiting at his base for two months. He got a card a which I had sent to him before he came home but obviously didn’t make it in time. The card was all about wanting to grow old together and how pleased I was that he had come back from his tour safe and well and that I couldn’t wait to spend my summer with him. I guess that must’ve stung a bit!!! He sent me a picture of the card and a message saying “Just picked up my post and got this, I know it was sent a while ago but thank you xxx”.
I didn’t respond to this, I felt there was nothing nice to say really, I mean what could I actually put “yes that’s what you have lost” or “you’re welcome and thanks for breaking my heart”. I just left it and ignored it.
So that’s how things stand at the moment. I have no idea if he’s still with this other girl. If he is i’m sure she’d love to know that he is calling me at 4.30am and texting me.
What do you guys make of this? Is he looking to have his ego stroked or starting to make a realisation? If he stands any chance of getting me back he’s going to have to bring on the works and I won’t be making it easy. A big part of me just thinks it’s over now though. I don’t know if it could ever be fixed and I don’t know if he’s what I want anymore. I’m going to stick with NC and reassess how I feel at the end of the month – mid October. If I still feel I need answers I might talk to him then when i’ve got some real distance from the situation.
I feel miles better right now. Even if he’s still with her the fact that he has finally identified he’s a “pathetic excuse for a man” has made me feel a lot better. I’ve walked away from this breakup gracefully, kept to NC and haven’t put a foot out of line, whereas he has just gone and made an absolute pratt of himself. I feel like a super cool breakup warrior right now! haha!!! I also bought the book “It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken” and it really helped…It’s pretty funny too and I found myself laughing out loud in parts. I’d recommend it to anyone going through this right now.
Claire xSeptember 9, 2014 at 4:39 pm #363521
Honestly Claire.. IDK. It COULD be ego.. It COULD be realisation.
All you say is correct.. STAY NC etc etc, reassess in OCT.
WHAT I DO KNOW.. is he HAS to communicate a lot more. He has to bare his soul and tell you honest truth, no bullshit. phone calls are easy.. compared to MANNING UP.. seeing you in person/explaining/asking forgiveness/another chance.
It’s EASY for him to mention the PROBLEM…see/say where he went wrong. It’s MEANINGFUL when he PROPOSES a solution… counselling/ dating again etc etc. GAIN YOUR TRUST AGAIN. TIME will tell as usual whether hi s actions and word match .. SHE.. could well still be in his life.
My ex Mike posted o FB for all to see. he misses me.. yet.. he’s back with his GF ! HOW PATHETIC ! HIS actions and words do NOT match up.
STAY strong ! LET HIM figure it out and come to you with a solution… the RARE men , in my opinion has the brains or brawn to do that !September 9, 2014 at 5:21 pm #363540
Thanks for that Harley, really good advice as always! You’re a star and have been a little life saver through this experience! Thank you so much for always taking the time to read and share your thoughts. :)
I’ve no clue what’s going on here either. I’ve just seen a picture of them together from only a week ago. As I’m writing this now he has just sent me a whatssap message. I’m not even going to open it till the morning as I know whatsap shows whether or not you’ve read the message. I’m actually going to turn my phone of in a minute and go to bed as I’ve given it enough brain power for one day without having a sleepless night over whatever he’s got to say. If he’s still with her it’s really hurtful to keep texting me and I wish he would just leave me alone. It isn’t fair for him to supposedly move on and be in a new relationship and yet he wants to keep picking at old wounds. As much as I’m pissed about the situation it isn’t fair on this other girl either.
How do I get him to leave me alone! I’ve already asked him once.September 9, 2014 at 5:42 pm #363544
Its a bit of both. He’s obviously trying to process his feelings and being caught between two women isn’t the right way to go about it. He still loves you, but you have to own your part in it by not handling problems when he was away, and then bringing up negative talk so early upon his return wasn’t exactly the proper way to fill the space that had been between you for so long.
He’s struggling with them, as you are too. However. until he stops seeing his ex again I don’t think its best for either of you to have that conversation. You handled it quite well and glad you didn’t stoop to his level :-)September 10, 2014 at 3:49 am #363582
Stay strong Claire. I honestly feel this guy is ” all over the shop ” and doesn’t KNOW WHAT he wants.. but that’s FOR HIM to figure out.. not you.
Keep the distance and space up.. YOU ned the time to think still, let alone HIM. In a way.. thank god he’s abroad again… he is lonely/bored and has TIME to write/text etc.
By replying to his texts ,you are ALLOWING a text relationship to occur.. he has NO INCENTIVE TO MAN UP…he’s choosing the lazy, cowards, no effort way of trying to keep you e-tethered , MAYBE get back with you.
I would tell him, WHEN he has figured out WHAT he wants in life and IF it is you, to let you know in person.September 10, 2014 at 4:15 am #363591
Thanks ladies. How do I find out about the ex without directly asking him? I’ve just checked my messages and this is what he has put…
Hey Claire are you ok love ?
I know you said you didn’t want to talk to me but I really would like for to reply sometime if you wanted to?
I just want to know how are you are and what you’ve been doing bit most of all if your ok and well.
I’ll understand if you don’t reply and ill take that as a massive fuck off pill!
I’m overseas again now for a little while and then im back home in UK .
Take care your always on my mind x
Do I respond or not?September 10, 2014 at 4:30 am #363592
If I do respond do I keep it casual, mention her or tell him to only contact me when he knows what he wants? Any suggestions on how I should go about this.
Lane – I know I did handle things badly while he was away. I gave a very heartfelt apology over this and sent him a letter about it right after we split. Part of me does wonder how the situation between the two of them came about though, when she supposedly wasn’t even in his life. My instinct tells me that he hasn’t cheated but there was communication prior to the breakup, I don’t know if she’s been the reason for breaking up or maybe swayed his decision.
Gosh this is hard! I’ve never been in this situation before, usually they disappear and that’s it! I don’t know what’s hardest! He could just be saying he’s sorry and wanting to be friends??? It’s all quite confusing.September 10, 2014 at 11:55 am #363651
Its possible he still loves you and MAY be regretting the break-up, but it MAY also be his way of seeking forgiveness so he doesn’t feel so guilty about how he broke up with you, he can MOVE ON permanently.
he’s confused, hurt and trying to sort out his feelings but I fear if you re-engage you will be setting yourself up for a whole new round of heartache and end right back at STAGE 1 of the break-up process.
Although the “Your always on my mind” at the end is a GOOD SIGN, its trying to figure out in what context: I still love you OR I feel guilty about how I broke up.
I would recommend you act friendly to GAUGE his thoughts, but make HIM do all the work! Respond with short POSITIVE texts such as “I’m doing good and staying busy” END. If he starts bringing up good memories then I would reply positively like “Oh yeah, that was a great time we had so much fun”. If he wants to talk about what went wrong in the relationship that’s fine but keep the responses POSITIVE such as “I should have handled that better” without apologizing or asking for forgiveness, but that you RECOGNIZE it.
If he just continues with meaningless chit chat then I would pull back and re-initiate the NC because he’s bored, you fed his ego, and that’s all he wanted from you.September 10, 2014 at 12:02 pm #363654
Oh and if he responds with something along the lines of “why are you so busy?” respond with “wouldn’t you like to know :-)” Again, keep it short, light, mysterious and him inquiring without giving out a lot details—-make him want more by giving less.September 10, 2014 at 1:18 pm #363669
Thanks so much Lane, unfortunately I had contacted him before I got your response. I put “I just need a little time at the moment, i’ll be in touch when i’m ready”
His response to this was “OK no worries, just a question, you finished it between us so thought you would have been ready?”
Seriously…is he mental??? If he actually thought I had ended things then why did he think there was the drunken need for an apology the other night. My guess is the manipulation tactics are out now!
NC for the next couple of weeks at least…full speed ahead. This boys head is in the gutter!September 10, 2014 at 1:42 pm #363670
Stay away from this man. Any man who claims you broke up with him after he downgraded the relationship is an a hole. Just stay away from him.September 10, 2014 at 2:36 pm #363675
How did YOU finish it when HE was the one who slowly withdrew from the relationship after you had a new home and everything lined up to start up together?? Then he goes back to his ex!?! Pure douche, imo. I don’t care how “confused” he is.
BUT I think you’ve done everything right and you should be proud of how you’ve carried yourself. He missed out on something great and I don’t believe he deserves another chance. xxSeptember 10, 2014 at 2:36 pm #363676
Thanks tall lady… the ex has now just made friends with his mum on fb…so she clearly isn’t out of his life! What a complete dick!September 10, 2014 at 2:39 pm #363677
Thanks Lady T…gotta just keep movin’ on! :)September 10, 2014 at 2:59 pm #363679
Claire.. I wouldn’t read too much into ” friending the mom”… women DO this to try and get the fella/keep him/get mom on their side.
It’d not ALWAYS because the mom and her are genuine friends.
AS you say go NC again.September 10, 2014 at 7:55 pm #363758
ok so several hours later he’s put “but i will respect what you wish x”…. is he a mega ridiculous douche or what? I’m hoping he won’t be in touch again for some time. I don’t think this is what I want from a man, it’s all silly games. I’m almost at the point of having enough now. Which is a good thing. xSeptember 10, 2014 at 8:05 pm #363761
Claire, the problem between the two of you is you didn’t clearly break up. I know there was some friction when he came back, he needed some time, you went NC and didn’t really finalized it. In your head he broke up with you, but in his head he may have thought you broke up with him.
Honestly, neither of you communicate very well so here you are in a battle of the wits and neither side seems capable of talking it out in a mature manner.September 11, 2014 at 3:50 am #363790
Mmmn. agree with Lane on the communication. I know it’s hard with him away but this has gone to a TEXT relationship/breakup/non breakup .
When I look back on ALL my messages with Mike.. RIDICULOUS. I’d NEVER do a “text, virtual” relationship again.
WRITE a list of pros and cons of him, then of your relationship, then of HIS latest behaviour. IT MAY make things clearer.
HIS latest texts sound CRAP. I HONESTLY don’t know if it’s ego or wanting you back.. I STILL say..he’s not picking up the phone/agreeing a date when he gets back !/sending roses in the post ! He needs to MAN up more. In my book a guy who wants a girl bak.. GOES GET HER, not TALKS about wanting her back.. He RISKS everything turning up at her door, begging for forgiveness, saying how they will go forwards. HE FACES REJECTION !
SO FAR.. he’s ALL TALK, NO ACTION !September 11, 2014 at 8:47 am #363814
Since communication is an issue, it seems LDR isn’t going to work for either of you in the long term…that’s what started the problems in the first place.
Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. Timing and circumstances create barriers and challenges.
It seems you have to not inky decide if he is the right person, but if you. An be with a man who is going to be away from you a great deal being in the military.
This cycle will just repeat if you can’t make that part work. And it won’t matter if you love each other. I agree with lane, this whole thing got blown way out of proportion.September 12, 2014 at 4:16 am #364043
Thanks for your comments.
I am unclear as to why he thinks I ended things when he said his feelings had changed and he thought we should just be friends. Yes, when he collected his belongings a week later he said he still loved me and mentioned the possibility of getting back together but never acted on this and instead went and dated his ex just two weeks post breakup. I’m not sure how else I was supposed to read that?
I’ve told him I need some time right now so I’m going to use that to reflect on things.September 12, 2014 at 12:36 pm #364120
Yeah, he’s a mess. The way I understood the situation from your first post was that he got home, you all spent a week together, then he broke up with you, then he said you should spend some time together, then he stopped contacting you totally and was back with his ex. Pretty clear, imo. I’m sure if he was actually confused about why who broke up with who, he would have mentioned it or asked you about it when he was collecting his belongings. Right?
You’ve come a long way, lady. Keep on keeping on! :)