Is she a rebound?

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  • #365932 Reply

    I think its hard and draining to live with someone so tempermental. Anger agressive types are not good. he needs to control that. AND… I DON’T like how he turns it back on you all the time… WHAT would he be like with children ??? he needs help.

    Honestly.. I think you need to let this one go.

    #366016 Reply

    I think you’re right Harley. It’s just i’m still in a place where my head and heart are saying different things. I’m still emotionally attached to him.

    He finally text me back this afternoon – here’s what he put…

    “Sorry Claire, i’m going to leave you alone and let you get on with your life. I hope that you’re ok and that someone will make you very happy one day. Take care xxxx”

    I replied saying…

    “and you ex, I hope we can be friends one day, i’ll miss you all the time” I thin sent him a funny picture and said “that was a for a final giggle”.

    He responded…

    “haha, you’re off your head. Take care Claire and i’m sure once we move forward with our lives friends won’t be a problem. I’m sorry for letting you go without a fight X”

    I then put…

    “do you mind if I visit your mum once in a while if i’m in your home town?”

    he put…

    “not at all love, she would like that”

    I put…

    “Wicked, I love that woman”

    he put…

    “she loves you too x”

    I haven’t been able to stop sobbing. I feel like i’ve lost a limb. I know it’s been a massive mess but I can’t imagine not having him in my life in some way. I’m so tempted to text him and tell him this, but don’t know if I should? He said he thought i’d gone off and was perfectly happy after we first broke up which make me winder whether I should let him know i’m sad right now? I also don’t understand why he says he’s letting me go as if it’s favour and he’s sorry he didn’t fight for me.

    I know this probably all a push-pull situation now and i’m sad as the tables have turned. I just honestly can’t imagine never speaking to him again. I wish i could stop sobbing.

    #366019 Reply

    Well.. I feel like shit too. Got too invested in german .. blah blah blah. Ehnuf said.

    So.. two of us feel shite together.. but my story NOT half way as painful as yours.

    Hard as it is, I’d really go “no contact” You are driving yourself crazy with the constant texting and “going nowhere”. the two of you are still not communicating, dancing aroudn each other and not coming out and saying he truth about how you /either REALLY FEEL.

    3/4’s of me is thinking he is being manipulative.. “sob sob , I miss you, wish I’d fight for you, blah blah blah”.. all SHITE WORDS again.. NO actions. IS IT to reel you in again.. OR IS IT how he really feels.

    NO ACTIONS are doing it for me.. until he steps up.. stay NC. NO MATTER how much a guy really misses you.. he’ll get in contact. Some people do it years later.

    YES.. you can “run” after him again.. but HOW LONG will it get him for !!!! He’s got to come of his own free will.

    I’d love to go get my German.. but I won’t.. he HAS to want me enough.. and he doesn’t. Our latest Guinness advert says ” IN PURSUIT OF MORE”… that’s ME.. I won’t settle for less.

    Neither should you.

    #366020 Reply


    I read through this and I see how hard it has been for you. This guy has a lot of work to do on himself, I am sure his tours have really messed with him.

    But if you want to know about his response about fighting for you then just ask him I would, I would say ” how come you didn’t fight for me?”

    #366034 Reply

    “In pursuit of more” I love that! I’m going to write that quote on a post-it and every time I think of him i’ll look at it.

    You’re totally right. I’ve just deleted his contacted details. Further texting isn’t going to do any good at this stage. It’s all going to be a continuation of the same old crap. If we ever were to work again I think we both need the time and space to get over things now, otherwise it’s just a continuation of the same broken relationship, with the same old arguments. He’s going abroad again on Saturday anyway and although he’ll be back in the UK from time to time he doesn’t leave the forces until early next year. I don’t think you can rebuild something that’s so broken by long distance. Especially as it was distance that played the biggest part in tearing us apart. When we had that heart-to-heart he said he was so lucky to have someone who was prepared to wait 9 months for him in afghan when we had only been together for a year. He knows i’ve been very devoted doing that and so he knows what he has lost.

    Deep down I know I need to recover without him and then make a logical decision about things, it’s still all too hazy right now and i’m still hurt. Like you mentioned previously, I was acting weak and I need to be coming from a place of strength on this. I do feel i’ll probably move on from him in time (head talking and not heart) – but I need to be in that strong and happy place to make any decisions. And like you said, if he truly loves me, he won’t let me go and he’ll find a way regardless of what he’s saying right now. But only time (and not texting) can do its work on that one. I think I was letting him back too easy and he needs to realise his mistakes and become a better man as I need to grow and learn myself. But like I said – moving on could happen too – only time will tell.

    Yes – they need to come after us, and if it’s right they will! I hope all works out for you – if it’s not the German i’m sure someone will sweep you off your feet soon! and i’m sorry you’re feeling so crappy. It is quite comforting to know someone else can relate to how i’m feeling right now and I hope you feel the same.

    #366041 Reply

    Yep.. it’s comforting. I can’t believe I feel so shite. Time to stop wallowing and get on with it for me…Yep.. think you let him back too easy.

    I think you need to take control.. mentally and emotionally.

    And MEL had a great suggestion re asking him the questions.

    I think.. you should prepare in case he ever gets in contact again( I think he will!.. even before he leaves.. drunk text/call/whatever), a bullet point/short list of questions… I’m just not sure how to think of good ones ! we need everyone else to chip in .


    WHAT do you want from me ???

    DO you want me back ??

    Why ??? What’s going to change ???

    How are WE going to make this better ???

    Hoe can WE ensure this won’t occur again, that WE will handle it better, resolve it, get through it ??

    I’m just throwing random thoughts out here. I think you SHOULD give up on him, but.. I KNOW you don’t want to !!!!

    At this stage, I really DO think, everyone is advising you to move on.

    Is it possible he is suffering form PTSD ??? OR has his temper ALWAYS been bad.. ask his ma , maybe ! On the sly of course.

    #366045 Reply

    You know what I would say is ” the ball is in your field if you want me then man up and do something about it words are words buddy but actions are actions you want me then fight for me. Walk the walk!”

    End of story if he can show you anything after that kind of message then you don’t need him.

    #366047 Reply

    Hi Mel,

    You’ve given me food for thought there. I’m not sure carrying on down this road is going to be helpful though as i’ve explained above. Like you say it’s hard and i’m probably going to end up making myself ill over all of this if I don’t know when to walk away. I feel like we said our final goodbyes this afternoon in a way, and I feel like i’d just be picking at a wound now if I went back for more. I’ve sobbed my heart out all day since receiving his message – I even met friends for lunch and broke down in a cafe in front of everyone – everyone in the coffee shop could see I was in a state, rather embarrassing to say the least. I think if I was going to ask him that question it should have come immediately after his response and not hours later like i’m going back in for the kill and can’t leave it be. I do wish I would have thought to respond this way myself though at the time. Clearly the way we communicate with each other isn’t right and maybe me just accepting what he says rather than questioning it is part of our problem.

    I’m also tired of his crap explanations and excuses which is probably all I would get at this point. There is also the possibility he could view this question as me spoiling for another fight and that’s the last thing on my agenda. I think it’s time to let this lie, for at least a month or two, if not forever.

    #366052 Reply

    I know this will sound unpopular… but let it go for now.

    This is getting beyond dramatic. If you cant have a phone call or meet in person and have a civil and mature discussion, this relationship is never going to work.

    That text exchange was so dramatic and immature. sending a text telling someone “I am going to let you go” is dramatic …. when you let someone go, you DO IT. You don’t keep talking about it.

    Lane posted a while back about how both of you are just too immature emotionally to make this work. The distance makes it worse, but I believe even if you were in person, your lack of really communicating would continue to create drama and barriers.

    “Fighting’ for a relationship is the stuff of movies. If you have to fight for a relationship it likely isn’t right. Being in a relationship that is healthy, does not have to be this difficult. You either are compatible or not. Conversations should build each other up and not tear each other down. You work as a team… not as enemies. When you disagree, you talk it out and work it out with respect and swiftness. Letting it linger is the best way to errode away the layers of the relationship until all you have left is petty drama…. I doubt either of you even know what started this whole argument and spiral of anger and hurt.

    I say in all kindness… stop communicating with him and take a break. Perhaps after you both have a chance to truly reflect on YOUR OWN behavior and needs, you can either come back together or meet the person you are meant to be with.

    You are both young in age and emotionally maturity. It takes time and practice to leasrn how to communicate and work through difficult times…I wish you both the best.

    #366064 Reply

    Oh honey I wasn’t meaning you should send that now, no just let it be now, I was just meaning it as a suggestion if he got back a hold of you (and he will prepare yourself for that) if you wanted to reply.
    I personally think this relationship is toxic but that is my opion

    But honey if you cant handle this crap from him then you need to tell him not to contact you any longer. Maybe change your number even.

    #366067 Reply

    Great post LAGirl.

    #366070 Reply

    Totally agree LA girl. Sound advice and i’ll be taking it! :)

    Mel and Harley – I think the questions are a great idea for if he gets back in touch – but in a month or two, rather than right now.

    I’m exhausted! it’s time for a vacation from this. I know if I decide strict NC i’ll stick to it, so thats the plan. 30-60 days strict NC.

    Thanks again for the input ladies, as always I really appreciate your support and advice! It helps to see things from a different perspective.

    #366072 Reply

    Yep.. sending you lots of virtual love. You and I will be feeling MUCH better in a few weeks. I am NOT letting a one night guy get to me. We’ll be stronger and cured !

    #366079 Reply

    Harley – His Mum and I have discussed his anger issues in the past. She said he wasn’t always like this. I’m not sure when it started but it was definitely before our relationship as she described an incident where he’d turned on a family member while drunk. When he drinks he doesn’t have a stop button and it usually leads to either aggression or tears over something. He definitely has issues which you always get a glimpse of when he is drunk. He keeps so much inside and it all comes spilling out after he’s been drinking. He had a colleague die on a tour before he met me and he had to clean up the remains. This comes out when he’s been drinking. He puts on a macho man image and is full of bravado day to day but he’s very sensitive inside and doesn’t let this show to the rest of the world. I always used to say he has this hard man exterior and is as soft as shit in the middle. He’s the ring leader and the class clown type of guy, the loveable rogue – but theres a really sensitive and frightened little boy underneath.

    His Mum and sister always told me they think he has issues about being abandoned. His Dad left when he was a kid and his Mum said he really struggled to cope (as you would). He then got with his ex (she was his first real gf), they got engaged, and she left him too. Before he went to Afghan he would call me a lot when he was drunk saying we should break up as I was only going to leave him when he was in afghan anyway and that the distance would tear us apart (ironic I know). I had to spend several months reassuring him that I was going to stick by his side through the whole tour no matter what. He even broke it off with me for a couple of days for this reason but came back. When he broke it off his sister contacted me saying that she thought he was scared of being left by someone else. In the conversations we had he was frightened to death that I was going to leave him while he was over there and he told me if that happened while he was away he wouldn’t be able to cope, so he was leaving me to try and avoid that.

    He started pushing for marriage and kids before he came home and I don’t know if he scared himself to be honest. As you know we were also supposed to be moving in together on his return. During our recent conversation he said ‘he was getting too old for getting scared and walking away from things’. I do think he has been afraid of how real this was.

    What stands out in my mind is the conversations we had before it started going wrong. He really wanted to start a family and I had said I wanted children too but that I wanted to be married first. He told me that he felt we didn’t need a piece of paper to show our love for each other, that he really wanted children and he would propose to me, but in time. I disagreed with this at the time and said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do things in that order. Personally I think this conversation made him start questioning things. I could be totally wrong but I think he was frightened to death of proposing after his ex fiancé leaving him. This would tie in with the fear of abandonment issues. I think he felt if we had a baby then that would be a forever thing and then maybe he could commit after that as I’d already be tied to him at that point. Even from early on in the relationship he pushed to have something together – he wanted us to get a pet but I felt it was too early and we weren’t set up right for it (needed to be living together and he needed to be around at home etc). So he ended up settling for the least we could do and he bought a fish tank and we got some fish between us which he always called “the kids”. He’d call me and ask how “the kids” were doing.

    This tour has been a killer, the build up to it was intense and difficult but I didn’t expect him coming home to be even worse. That was supposed to be the happy part.

    I do think him having a fling with his ex over the summer is significant in all this in some way. To me it looks a little like the contents of all the mess and thoughts in his head have gone spilling out all over the place during the last couple of months. I think he’s been in a very confused place and maybe some of that confusion was starting to clear recently – maybe he’s still confused and has further to go. Either way as my best friend has said to me, it isn’t my job to babysit him through all this. I guess it’s something that he has to figure out on his own.

    If he deals with it in the right way maybe leaving the forces could be the making of him, he’s really going to have to learn how to stand on his own two feet and grow up. At the moment if he gets in a fight he gets his wrists slapped and its part of the mentality. He always has a roof over his head no matter what. I’m sure it will be difficult at first but I hope he manages ok and becomes a better man rather than falling apart.

    #366081 Reply

    Defo Harley! hang in there and stay strong! Hugs xoxo :)

    #366087 Reply

    Oh.. I’ll be grand. Bottom line is.. shithead ain’t making time for me. END OF, SIMPLE AS.I just need to cop on. I hope I think he’s an ass in a few weeks and no longer fancy him…. AND I WILL !

    has your guy seen the Army doctor ?? Got any counselling/treatment ??? DOES he even recognise or admit he has issues ???

    #366091 Reply

    No, he won’t accept that he needs help. His sister seems to be able to get through to him more than most people and he promised her he would see someone when he came OUT of the army, but I don’t know if that was just to pacify her. We (me, mum and sister) think he is worried about what his army mates will think and is scared of looking weak, therefore he won’t get help. I think it was harder for him to talk about it with me as he felt he was supposed to be my ‘big strong guy’ and appear as if nothing troubles him. Whether his mum and sister will continue to try and press him to get counselling I don’t know. But I doubt he will talk to anyone. He’s the most stereotypical blokey, bloke going. He think he can handle it all on his own.

    Yes you will think he’s an ass in a few weeks! We all look back at these men in time and can see what asses they are so he isn’t going to be any different! Keep your chin up.

    #366092 Reply

    Yep… asshole.

    I think just let your guy go. I doubt he will get counselling. Very few Irish or British guys DO. He has to figure it all out himself.

    We.. will both be ok, with time.

    #366093 Reply

    I’m no expert, but if he had to deal with death while on tour he is suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome. PTSD is very common among military and it isn’t something he will likely fix on his own. The drinking is a way to self medicate.

    There is counseling and support, which he would have to want. Unfortunately, from what I have read it is worse once they come home. It is difficult for them to go from combat/hypervigilence back into ‘normal’ world and so signs of anxiety, depression, aggression,fear, anger, sadness, guilt, shame, suicidal, suspicion, and anti social behaviors / fighting are common. They also tend to lose their social identity (in military you have to trust and bond in order to survive and protect) – once home this creates anxiety and sense of loss or inability to adjust.

    The lack of stimulation in routine jobs (in military, the tension stress is high) creates challenges in going to work and holding down a ‘normal’ job.

    Add to that, the reliving of traumatic experiences through flashbacks, dreams – (his collegues death)… he feels no one can relate or understand and of course you CAN’T – so attempting to reassure him is useless. Only someone who has walked in his shoes can UNDERSTAND.

    I know these are not the best circumstances… but I believe this is likely what you are dealing with and it will / would get worse once he comes home for good. In the end you will be the one who gets hurt, unless he gets the professional help he will need to work through this and it can take years.

    #366397 Reply

    Thanks LA girl – This experience was from a tour a few years back and not the recent one but maybe like you say it is PTSD and maybe even if things weren’t so bad during the recent tour being in that environment has brought things back. It would explain the anger issues and how his mum said that he wasn’t always this way. I think it’s going to take coming out of the Army and some considerable time before he can straighten himself out. I hope he does ok at standing on his own two feet. Obviously I do still care and I worry about him.

    I haven’t heard from him since those texts saying he was letting me go on Thursday. I think he may be true to his word, or it will at least be longer until I hear from him again this time. I have a feeling he may have deleted my contact details too – if he know this is the only way he can stop himself from contacting me and if he thinks this is the best course of action right now.

    I’ve put a countdown app on my phone and I’m doing 30 days NC, which i’ll review and then probably continue with.

    I still have a few questions left rattling around my head though that puzzle me and I am tempted to email him to see if I can get any honest answers. I just feel that instead of being able to talk and ask questions calmly we ended up in that argument last week. Above all what I really want to know is did he leave me to pursue his ex? I’ve just drafted this email…

    Hi ex,

    It’s a shame we couldn’t communicate properly on the phone last week. The last thing I wanted was a row. I would have liked to be able to discuss things calmly with you. All I wanted to know is did you leave our relationship to persue your ex? It might seem a completely bonkers question to you, but I have no idea and it’s been rattling around my head for the last couple of months. I think if you can give me an honest answer it will help me to move on.

    Try and think of it the other way around. If I told you I was unsure about my feelings and broke things off and started seeing my ex shortly after what would you think? I’m sure it would throw up all kinds of questions for you, like did I ever really love you at all? And did I never actually get over him? This is what the last couple of months has been like for me.

    I also felt you started lying toward the end of our relationship about where you were going – (there was a holiday he claimed to know nothing about and then he said he was staying with a friend when he actually went to a festival) – so throw that into the mix of you spending time with her after our relationship ended and you can see why I’ve been confused about the truth. I’ve also wondered whether ‘(insert random girls name)’ in your phone was actually her. It was an odd story – you said you thought (two different festivals) were the same thing and I’m pretty sure you know the difference – especially as you went to both of them.
    (this relates to a message left by a random girl saying she wanted to go somewhere they could ‘be like normal people’ which I thought was odd – he claimed this was an officer from work who they couldn’t really socialise with and this was why the message was worded this way).

    I’m not spoiling for another argument, it’s the last thing I want. I just want to make piece with it now – these are the loose ends that I don’t have answers to. You don’t have to reply, but I’d appreciate it if you could give me some honest answers so I can put it all to bed now and move forward.

    Claire x

    I don’t know whether to send this at all to be honest? If I do send it i’m thinking should I …

    A) send it now and get it out of the way with rather than letting these questions linger
    B) send it after my NC and when i’m feeling better, or even try and meet with him if I still need answers. I’m thinking I might possibly get more honest answers after time has gone by and we have both healed a bit more, but in the meantime i’m left with these questions spinning round my head.
    C) Just let it lie, never know and try and get any closure I can on my own. Maybe in a couple of months I won’t care what the answers are? Who knows.

    Also, if I am to send this email what do you think of the way it is worded? Is there anything you’d write differently here? Obviously we have some communication problems and when i ask him things like this it just seems to piss him off, so maybe people can shed some light on where i’m going wrong.

    #366400 Reply

    Don’t send it. It’s too long Winded. sound like a nut job AND it puts the ball back in his court to know he had control and can pick up with you whenever he wants.

    STOP trying to keep the crap channels if communication open with him .This guy is giving you nothing here …diddley squat shit.

    Value yourself more. I have NO intention of running after my guy. You don’t do it either. .get on with your life. ..go out and live it. Just….let him go.

    #366403 Reply

    Yep, I needed to hear that. It’s getting to that place of being able to let it go. I think i’d just accepted it all when he came back and everything he said to me had me clinging on for hope again. I guess it’s another case of time..time…time. I’m back to having that horrible sinking feeling every now and then when I think about it though. Bloody break-ups!!!

    I think some of our mutual friends thought we might get back together and after not hearing from them for a while we were back in touch again. I was close to one of his friends gf’s and I didn’t hear from her for ages after we broke up – she arranged to come and visit in a few weeks time recently, and has now cancelled on me without setting another date. Oh well, I guess I don’t need flakey friends as they aren’t true friends.

    #366408 Reply

    It sucks. But longterm…you will feel better for being in control and walking.and flakes of friends are NOT needed.

    #402236 Reply

    Hi Dr.

    I would appreciate if you could help me in my problem as follows:

    Last year at the same time I fell in love with my coworker and tried to approach her by going into her room and talk about work issues and so on until after a while I tried to start further talks with her through linked in website. I requested her for adding but she did not accept. Then after a while I found that she showed me some green signals by coming to me to give me office works and son. I understood that she became somehow regretful that why she hasn’t accepted adding me and wants to compensate in this way. This was so that I tried to talk to her in facebook. I sent her a message complimenting her and greeting her but not added her. after a two months she said “thanks who are you?” I think she got noticed who I were but just wanted to pretend that she did not know me. I introduced myself and tried to tease her by texts and smiles icons and so on and asking her questions trying to make her to contact me so I can tell her my marriage proposal request. But she did not respond to any of my questions. I also took the chance of her birth day and sent her a birth day card via facebook but she did not drop me any message of Thank you and so on. After some month I asked her a simple question to try to make her talk to me via facebook but she rejected answering me. This was while whenever I came into her room she was welcoming me by her looks. Until I heard from her best friend that why don’t you lose weight and quit smoking. When I heard this I found that she told her opinions to her female frinds indirectly. However, her friends encouraged me to get marry soon otherwise it would be too late! So, when I saw this situation I tried not to pay attention her any more and leave her for herself. I was checking her behaviour and saw that whenever she saw me she was somehow showing herself like being astonished until one day when I found that she was somehow angry and uninterested in me. I felt that she lost her chemistry to me. This was so that a rival just appeared suddenly and she moved toward her. When I saw this situation I got so sad and depressed and she unfortunately saw my situation. The rival made a proposal to her and I tried to make a solution. I wrote her a love poem through facebook and this caused that the situation of her reply would be delayed. Then, I went through her best friend and asked her to tell her my marriage proposal and explained her all the above story. The rival also made the marriage proposal to her at the same time I did through the same best friend of her.

    Her friend did our request, and I saw her angry with her friend leaving the office. After three day she rejected me by dropping a message in facebook as following: “Hi, Regarding the issue you were talking to my friend, I hope that you share and experience your luck with another woman. Be successful” She also rejected my rival by saying that his academic degree is lower than her. After one week, I tried to mend the situation by asking her out and telling her married friend that I did so. However, she again rejected me this time by sending this message: ” I think that I have clearly told you about my opinion. So, there is no need to further this issue. Be successfull!!”

    My rival also made a second try, but as I investigated she has not made the decision yet. I think it is now 50 to 50 into her mind.

    NB.: The rival uses uses the techniques such as offering candies , chocolate sweet to to her best female friends and trying to call her roomate by telling jokes and laughing her female roomate and he is fashion too and has a strong manhood and slang language.

    Now please advise me how can I win this battle and win over her. What strategy shall I do in this situation. I know that she was first attracted to me but then lost her attraction to me during time.
    I am also a fashion guy too but I don’t know how to destry my rivals strategy. If I continue texing her through facebook again and telling her my love it become worse and creepy and she feels me needy. Don’t you think so? Please advise me the best strategy. Do I have any chances left now?
    Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

    Thanks a million,
    Shahriar Jeddy

    #402254 Reply

    Hi Shahriar,

    She told you how she feels about you. She wants you to find someone else and be happy.

    Believe her and go do it.

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