This topic contains 151 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by redcurleysue 6 years, 6 months ago.
September 13, 2014 at 1:00 pm #364258
Thanks Lady T, yes that’s how things happened. Although I don’t think he knows that I know about the ex. I found out through a friend and as I’ve been in NC I haven’t brought anything up with him.
NC has been really hard today. I feel that persistent contact from him several days in a row has really rattled my cage and I feel I’m back on the hook again waiting for him to text or call. I’ve told him I will be in touch when I’m ready and he’s respected that for the last few days.
I’m still torn between calling him in a week or two or just staying in NC completely until / if he tries to reach out again. If I do call him I don’t know whether to bring this girl up and just try and have an open honest discussion about things. If his heart is with her then I can just carry on – yes I might set myself back a bit but I guess at least we will be clear on where we both stand with things and can move forward.September 13, 2014 at 2:07 pm #364263
I’d keep up the NC.. it does be hard for all of us, but we suffer it.
If you contact hem.. you may not hear the truth !September 13, 2014 at 4:04 pm #364271
Its been two months and I think its time to TALK it out and come to a definitive conclusion. Holding out even a tiny bit of HOPE will keep you in perpetual limbo and holds you back from completely moving on. Whether its in a week or two isn’t going to make a hill of beans at this point, there needs to be some form of closure either way because neither of you IMO have definitively defined it.
When I told my husband it was OVER, it was OVER. I didn’t text, call or reach out by saying “I miss you” or “I think of you” because that would tell him there’s a chance of getting back when there wasn’t. None of us know what’s going on in his head, what he thinks or what he feels. But the fact he’s reaching out is an opportunity to clear the air and put an end to the confusion. Just my two cents.September 17, 2014 at 1:43 pm #364883
Went with your advice Lane..and a few close friends (think their motive was to have a row and rip his head off though! haha!) and he revealed a lot. He said he regrets everything, if he could go back in time and change things, he would. He wishes he would have just come back to me and enjoyed our new home together. He said things weren’t pre-planned with him and his ex, although it may have looked that way. He said his exe’s brother in law got in touch to say that they were having another baby and things went from there. I knew he had kept in touch with her bother in law and we had agreed in that past that was fine, obviously the brother in law had passed on the message he was now single and she had tried to get involved from that point. He admitted to the fling with her but said that he was never going to get back together with her and that what we had was a million times more special than that and that he thought of me all the time. He said he never laughed with her like he did with me. He also said he wished I was there so much during his sisters wedding recently and that he was so sorry I hadn’t been able to go. I told him…yes…it was pretty mega shit! His Mum and sister loved me and I missed that big event.
We had a long discussion and he told me he still loved me and missed me (I said nothing in response – just listened). He said he wished he would have fought for me more, or just stood on my doorstep, or whatever. He said his emotions were all over the place coming out of afghanistan and he didn’t know how to cope with reality.
He told me now he will wait as long as takes, he’ll keep calling me and he’ll camp on my doorstep if he needs to because he lost the best thing he ever had.
I’m struggling with how to deal with things a little now because obviously I don’t want to be too forgiving and forward, but don’t want to make out I don’t give a shit either. He messaged me in the morning yesterday to make sure I had a nice day and said his heart had been in his chest when he saw me on Skype and that I have no idea how I make him feel. He then massaged me good night again last night.
I saw that him and the ex broke friends on FB a few days ago and now they re-made friends on there. It doesn’t bother me too much really, my best guess is he broke friends with her after he realised what he wanted and then made friends again out of guilt. After what he told me, about how he feels I don’t care. I don’t see this girl as a threat. If he would have decided to be with her then that would have been his loss and I would have continued to move on.
So… he tells me he’s coming to the uk this weekend…he wanted to me to go out with him and his friends on fir day night, but i’m not sure a booze fuelled night out is the best way forward for our first meeting, so i’ve told him coffee on sat morn would be far better. He pushed a few times for the friday night meet up but I stuck with a firm no.September 17, 2014 at 1:47 pm #364885
So, I’m seeing him on sat…i’ll keep you posted! Do I let I’m do all the running at this point? Or, as he’s tried to reach out, and said lovely things, do I start to initiate a little? xSeptember 17, 2014 at 4:11 pm #364926
Wow! You sound very pleased by this. I’m glad that you took Lane’s wise advice and got some clarification. If you’re going to consider giving it another go, I’d say keep it breezy and let him do all he running, as you put it, for now at least. Try not to be super distant though because he probably feels really guilty and may be looking for some reassurance from you, at this point, that you don’t hate his guts. Good idea not opting for booze night with his friends, especially as this is the first time you’ll be seeing him since it all went down. It’ll be good to meet him alone and have a nice and sober chat. Good luck! :)September 17, 2014 at 4:30 pm #364928
Yup… sober chats only for the next several meetings, and NO sex. he’s on probation. Monitor his behaviour for months. Decide what your deal breakers and boundaries are and stick to them.
good luckSeptember 17, 2014 at 6:21 pm #364948
Yes, let him do the initiating for now, just respond nicely :-)
Definitely tell us how it goes this Saturday! Glad you were able to finally TALK it out and that his head and heart is still with you!!! Like Harley said, he’s still on probation so make him work for it :-)September 21, 2014 at 11:15 am #365397
So here’s the latest update…
He’s been in touch by text every day since we spoke, it’s just been light and friendly and we’ve shared a few jokes. As I said, he pushed for the friday night meet up with him and his friends but I said a coffee Sat morn would be best – Then on Thursday he got in touch and asked could we meet on Sunday instead as he was going to be pressed for time on the Saturday. I said this was fine and he suggested we could go out for a meal which I said would be nice. On Friday night (3am Sat morning actually) I got 3 missed calls from him and a voicemail saying he lost his friends and could he come and stay at mine…I didn’t get those messages until the morning and had a little chuckle to myself and thought ‘nice try pal’ haha! I half expected him to turn up at my front door on Friday night to be honest, he can be a right monkey!
He sent me some nice text messages yesterday (and apologised for Friday night) and did genuinely seem to be looking forward to seeing me today. He asked me last night if the morning or evening was best and I suggested the eve (tonight) as I had things to do through the day. Anyway…this afternoon I got a message saying something had come up and he had to look after his little sister while his Mum went out instead!!! I was gutted. I know I shouldn’t have let it get to me too much but i’d been planning where we could go and looking forward to it all week! I had to give myself a good talking to and rationalise that if something has come up at home then it isn’t his fault and there isn’t much I can do. I was contemplating sending him a message saying he had moved things around twice now and if this was really important to him then he should get his act together or just leave it.
Instead, I just replied saying it was fine and to say his to his mum and sister from me. I decided if he didn’t rearrange I was just walking away at this point now. He got back to me saying he might still be able to come and then text me back again 20mins later saying it was definitely a no for tonight. I acted really chilled and said I had accepted an invite to a BBQ tonight now anyway (I had, this wasn’t a lie – decided I wasn’t being messed around).
He text me back saying we could meet up another time if i’d still like to so we have arranged for next friday night now before he flies back to his military base on saturday morning. I was hoping we would meet up earlier in the week but he’s revising for an exam which he’s taking on Friday so I guess it’s fair enough that his focus is on this. I sent him a message letting him know i had been looking forward to tonight but that next friday was good. He sent me a reassuring message saying ‘Definitely Friday because I really do want to see you Claire’, i replied saying ‘i’m glad you do’ and he got beck to me saying ‘i do, and i’m glad you feel the same’.
Do you think I dealt with this the right way? I don’t want to be a push over but it had been arranged as a casual meet up to be fair and i’d probably made out I was super chilled about it since it had been arranged. He even text me a couple of times in between to check that I was still actually going to meet him so I think he thought that it wasn’t such a big deal to me.
I’m just finding it hard getting the balance right with being myself, being nice to him and not being a push over after all that has gone on.
When I see him I still feel I need to talk more about the ex. If we’re going to move forward I really want to know exactly what’s gone on there. I just hope she hasn’t got rid of him and that’s the reason he’s coming back to me. But I can only believe what he tells me and I do think he honestly meant it when he said we had something more special than they did.September 21, 2014 at 11:34 am #365401
Gosh, I just read that back, us ladies don’t half think too much. I’m sure he isn’t sat there wasting brain power on this. He couldn’t meet up, and had a genuine reason, he’s also said he still wants to see me. I should really stop flapping around and get on with seeing my friends and doing my hobbies! Until he really proves himself he’s staying in the sidelines anyway. He’s hardly Brad Pitt, and i’ve been lucky enough to have some interest since we broke up anyway – Get a grip Claire, and go out and date other men in the meantime!
They you go…I just gave myself some advice! haha!September 21, 2014 at 12:51 pm #365407
He can make time for drinks with his mates and drunk booty calls to you.. but NOT time for YOU???????? says it all !!!!! so, …..
what’s his NEXT excuse for not meeting up ????September 21, 2014 at 1:21 pm #365408
So am I being walked all over? I don’t know what to de here. I wish I wasn’t still in love with him. I’d ring him up but I really don’t want a row. I feel pretty upset tonight to be honest.September 21, 2014 at 2:18 pm #365413
Don’t CALL>wait it out and see what his next move is, but to be honest I’m not impressed. For a guy who says he wants you back.. he’s going the wrong way about it in my opinion. See what the other’s say when they chip in. I’m all for giving a guy a second chance and this guy started off well.. WITH TALK, NOW.. he doesn’t appear to follow through… ON ACTIONS ! I’d have thought he’d pull out the full stops with flowers, agreeing to YOUR wishes of a DAY time date, and him GROVELLING. Apology with HUGE explanation. Doesn’t seem to be happening ! Seems to be doing what HE wants.
SLEEP ON IT !September 21, 2014 at 4:05 pm #365418
Thanks Harley, I’ll hang fire for now. I’m worried I’m setting myself up for another fall here and I don’t know if telling him how he’s made me feel is a help or a hindrance. I’ve already said I’m fine with rearranging too. I’m not sure why we have to wait till Friday though. Like you said he should be beating down my door at this stage. That is what he said he wished he’d done and yet he hasn’t. I’m also wondering if there’s communication again with this other girl. They’re friends again in facebook and although he isn’t reciprocating she’s liking all his comments and photographs.September 21, 2014 at 4:28 pm #365420
I would not have let slip how I feel, nor would I have been so nice about rearranging.
I don’t like that he has re-friended her. I KNOW a guy is allowed be mates with ex’s, I just think IF he really wanted you back, he would not have been so insensitive to Refriend her NOW.
My ex Mike.. refriended his ex.. a sure sign for me, they were back together… yet.. he’s STILL trying to talk to me.
I REALLY would tread with caution here. Do things on YOUR terms. not HIS.September 21, 2014 at 5:17 pm #365431
He re friended her before we started talking. He was messaging me and trying to win me back at this point but I wasn’t talking to him.
The problem I have is that I do really want to get him in front of me and talk things out face to face and with him only being here until Friday I’m a little stuck with having to accept when he’s available. With his time in the uk being limited it’s always been the way. The only feelings I gave away were that I was looking forward to seeing him – but I can feel myself starting to fold again and go with what he wants and I don’t like it.
I do wish I would have said something to appear a little stronger about rearranging. If we meet on Friday I may cleanly bring it up.
Maybe this was the wrong time to reconnect and I need to get a little stronger. I don’t know, I guess at least if he continues to act this way I have my answer sooner rather than later. I know he’s got distractions with coming out of the military in jan and he’s going to be busy now training for a new career and trying to get a job. I feel his head will be in a better place when he comes out and knows what he’s doing. Maybe we just keep in touch casually until then, I don’t know. This is why I’d really like to see him to talk this stuff out.September 21, 2014 at 5:19 pm #365432
*calmly, not cleanly! OoopsSeptember 21, 2014 at 5:43 pm #365434
I just think IF you were his priority.. he’d be meeting you Monday. he’s left it too late already in my book. AND.. you ARE weak, (no offence), I can read it in your post.. I worry you will cave,plus.. he will be more “all over the shop ” when he comes out, TRYING to re-adjust and find a job.. so I would expect the time to be worse. ALSO.. WHY would you wish to stay in touch with a guy casually until JAN.. that’s ages away. 2 months is time enough already for him to be making his mind up.I CAN understand you want to see him.. I JUST think he’s putting no effort in.September 22, 2014 at 9:49 am #365486
So I called him and said I didn’t think meeting on Friday was such a good idea. We had a row, I got everything off my chest – he turned it all back on me. I’ll update with the ins and outs of it when I have a bit more energy. I think this ship has sailed. It all feels way too messy right now. As hard as it is I think I need to start with a clean slate now. Too much has gone on and I don’t think we can get back what we had.September 22, 2014 at 10:12 am #365489
Take time for yourself. Don’t talk to him at all if you can, or at least a few days. You are wrung out at the moment and back to square 1. This is honestly too tiring.
Yes..I think it time to move on. It’s just not happening here on him REALLY wanting you back, or/and communicating effectively.September 22, 2014 at 11:30 am #365512
Sorry to hear this! You were doing quite well before and you can get back to that point and continue to move forward from there. It’ll take time and you’ll have to be firm and just look out for you. I hear you making a lot of excuses for him in your last couple of posts and I still don’t think this guy has made the necessary effort to deserve another chance with you. You tried to give him a chance and he’s made it pretty clear that it’s not as important to him, imo. I wouldn’t spend any more time or energy on him, but that’s just me and that’s all easier said than done. Hugs and take care, girl! xoSeptember 22, 2014 at 12:57 pm #365526
Thanks ladies, I’m back to having that horrible crappy anxiety breakup feeling in my stomach again now. Just going to try and keep busy. I know this isn’t good for me and it’s only the fear and anxiety that’s keeping me in this place. I need to crack this feeling now and get right again. I don’t feel totally back to square one, just a bit shitty – i’m going to tidy the house and hit the gym this evening. I’ve just made some plans to see friends in the week and over the weekend too.
Been talking to a guy on tinder and a couple of old exes – I think it’s time to really make a push with the dating and get back out there so i’ll sign up to another dating site soon, people don’t seem to chat much on tinder.
None of my family and friends approve of giving him a second chance which says a lot. My best friend called me and gave me a good talking to which made me see the light. He himself and his own mother have said i’m too good for him in the past, so there you go.September 24, 2014 at 6:50 am #365841
So here are the ins and outs of the argument, it wasn’t pretty and i’m not proud of myself but some things, rightly or wrongly needed to be said….as you know he cancelled on me on Sunday and we rescheduled for Friday, but I kindof had to push to reschedule even though he said he did really want to see me. I felt I was being a pushover so I called him on Monday afternoon to cancel altogether.
so he picked up the phone and I said I didn’t think it was such a good idea for us to meet on Friday. I told him that after everything he’s said (about literally camping on my doorstep to get me back) his actions weren’t matching up with his words and I felt that he was leaving it to the last minute to see me. He immediately got angry and started giving a big explanation about how busy he was and that he didn’t have transport as his car was at his sisters and that it was a pain for him to just try and get about to get everything done that he needed to do during his week at home. He said he tried to meet me on Friday but I wouldn’t come out (I again explained I thought it better to meet 1:1, with no booze – which he accepted) and that he had lost his friend on saturday and ended up at another one of our friends homes for the night. He then had to try and get back to the other friends house to collect his stuff before getting home to do all he had to do on the saturday. I told him he had made me feel like a booty call with the early morning phone calls, and he said he had genuinely lost everyone at that point (he was in my home town during this night, and his actual home is 1 1/2 hours drive away).
There wasn’t that much of an excuse for the sunday, I don’t even think he protested that he had a genuine reason for cancelling as his response to this was “you were going to a BBQ anyway”… I said yes, I had been invited after he cancelled on me so I accepted. Did he expect that I would just sit home feeling sorry for myself that he couldn’t come over. I know it’s difficult with his little sister and he does have to take care of her at short notice when he’s home sometimes – my guess here is that he hasn’t told his Mum that he had plans with me, I think he’ll be keeping it all quiet for now – so he couldn’t really say he was going to meet me when she asked for him to stay home. It’s not good enough though. We had that planned and he should have made that clear – you can’t cancel 3hrs before! Like I said, this was a bit lame and he didn’t even put up much of a fight over it.
I can’t recall how we got on to the ex situation but I asked how the hell did he think I felt for the past couple of months while he went swanning off with her. I told him he had made me feel like I was second best. I gave him my guess of events – that things had been going bad between us, she got in touch, he’d probably had some nice conversations with her and it had shaken his feelings on our relationship, he’d gone back to her, she’d either got rid of him or they realised it wasn’t all a bed of roses and now he was trying to get back with me. He told me he would never have abused my trust like that but wasn’t willing to give me the version of events saying it was none of my business what he did while we weren’t together.
He told me that things will never work now because i’ll just keep dragging the ex situation up all the time. I told him that it was the first time we had properly talked about it and if we were to move forward, I felt I needed to know exactly what has gone on. I told him I had all of this anger and questions about it inside my head for the past two months and that I needed to bring this up, get it in the open and clear the air over it all.
He told me i was making assumptions about the ex situation by photos i’d seen on Facebook – I almost wanted to say, yes photos and videos of you all over her so I know exactly what’s been going on. He then said -this is why I deleted all of your family and friends off Facebook so I didn’t have to see what was going on and you should have done the same. This really wound me up and I said our mutual friends still contacted me (i’m godmother to one of his friends children), so why should I delete them all when they are my friends too.
He then turned on me saying – come on then, who have you been with, who is he? I know you’ve been seeing someone. He then said I bet £100 you’ve slept with someone since we broke up. I told him it was none of his business and he said “i’ll take that as a yes then”. So I said “you know what, I haven’t slept with anyone, no, as i’ve been too busy getting over everything, I’ve dated and thats it” – this sparked off a negative reaction in him to which I responded “well what the hell did you expect me to do”.
He then said “we can’t meet on Friday after this now, it’s just too tense” – this was pretty much how he broke up with me by not being able to calm down after an argument and resolve things. Things calmed down a little and I asked him if he meant everything he said last week. His response was “it doesn’t matter now does it”.
He kept twisting everything back on me and saying “fine, you’re obviously not feeling this so i’ll just leave you be, so you can go off and be happy in your little single life” – he’s said that he felt I went on quite happily after we broke up and seemed really together – i’d taken the house that was for the both of us (not my problem he didn’t want to move in), got a new role at work, taken up diving etc. I think on the outside to him it looked like I had been doing great and in some way that threatened him. So I got the “i’ll leave you alone and you can go on being happy in your happy single life, several times over”. I told him he didn’t realise how much i’d been hurt and his response was “oh yes, because i’ve been f@@@ing ecstatic” (it turned into a whole competition about who had been hurt the most). He then brought up the whole “you ended the relationship with that long email” again, and “i’ll send it to you so you can see”. I told him I knew what I had wrote and it wasn’t anything about ending the relationship, besides how could I end something that had already ended. I told him he ended it all by saying he didn’t feel the same way anymore – and why the hell would I move in with someone who wasn’t sure about how they felt. He threw that back in my face and said it was because he had been away for so long that his feelings were different and that we could have worked it out maybe if we would have talked more.
He also said “oh so and so told me you’re thinking about going abroad anyway so what’s the point” – I told him that this person must only know what they had seen on fb and that I was planning a diving holiday, as he already knew! (he has this thing about people going away and leaving him as that’s how his ex left). She’s also off away with the military for 6 months soon – which does make me wonder whether this is why things have worked out with them and he’s coming back to me.
He told me thanks for putting him in a bad mood for the day and “i’ll talk to you later” – I didn’t expect to hear from him later on – and I didn’t.
I felt really crappy and sad yesterday morning and sent him a text (I know I probably shouldn’t have done, but I did want to say sorry for the argument). I told him i’d still like to meet on friday (i know you’re all going to think i’m mental) and that I understood if he didn’t. I said I felt that even if we both weren’t sure about our feelings at this point it was worth finding out before it’s too late. I said I knew he was stubborn and that he’d be sticking to his guns right now but that if it was as important to him as he told me last week then i’d like to meet up just to have a giggle like we used to. I said I missed those times. I told him I was sorry for getting mad but that there were things I needed to let out. I told him that like he had said it isn’t even really practical for us to get bad together right now so that there will be time to get over things and if people think they have something that’s worth it this stuff can be worked through.
I then mentioned our first date and a funny thing that had happened. I said it was the best first date ever and that I have so many happy memories of us. I told him not to get back to me straight away but to think about it and let me know over the next couple of days.
I know this is all very effed up! I know I probably shouldn’t have sent that text either, or even had the row. But I do honestly feel if both of us still have feelings then we should explore that before it’s too late. I sent the text yesterday morning and he hasn’t got back to me yet. If he doesn’t get back to me at all I honestly feel fine with it and I can let it go. I know it’s shitty but in a way I feel relieved for saying all I needed to say. Whether it was right or wrong i felt that we needed to have that argument, I really needed to get a lot of stuff off my chest, and if he keeps walking away then so be it.
I feel really good in myself right now. I do feel that my life is full, and that I have options when it comes to dating. I don’t feel scared about his response or lack of response to my text. I feel what is meant to be is for the best. I doubt very much we will meet on Friday – i’d be surprised at this point, I know too much damage has been done during that argument for now. I’m just going to let it lie now and get on with my life.September 24, 2014 at 8:40 am #365852
Yep.. waaaay too much drama. it all got out of hand.. but shows to me how you two CANNOT GET ON. cannot communicate at all to resolve things. It’s mental as you said. I really see this as the point of no return now. HOW did you argue in the past ?? like this ??? throwing insults and never resolving things ???September 24, 2014 at 11:19 am #365894
He’s very hot headed and you can’t talk him down once he’s annoyed. I used to try my best to talk about things calmly but if something sends him off the handle that’s it. It’s then a case of leaving him alone until he’s calmed down and then he would come back to me when he was ready – usually with an apology and saying how much he loved me – but then the cycle starts again. He really needs to sort out his anger issues. All his family have said he needs counselling. He’s been know to get in a few fights while drunk in the past too. I know I’m not perfect and it takes two to tango. It’s hard to stay calm when the other person is blowing up in your face though. I’ve had relationships where things were talked out properly and calmly so I know this is more of his issue than mine. He will always twist the truth to paint himself in a favourable light, so you really can’t win.
Like you said, it’s all become ridiculous now. I’ve just signed up to a dating website. I felt sad once I had done it but I think it’s a good kindof sadness and an acceptance if the situation and that it’s time to move on. I’m kindof hoping I don’t hear from him any time soon. It’s all become way to complicated now. I’m fed up of all the drama like you say. I’d like a nice calm intelligent chap who doesn’t fly off the handle and sulk for days.
The main reason we connected was our ridiculous sense of humour! Everyone used to say we were like peas in a pod. Both of us will admit to never having such a laugh with anyone else ever. I thought we could live off that forever and that I could stay with him because no matter if there were arguments there were always fits of giggles round the corner. I guess I’ve learnt that it isn’t everything and you need a number of good traits that you can connect with in a partner rather than just one.