This topic contains 151 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by redcurleysue 8 years, 9 months ago.
August 11, 2014 at 1:08 pm #358616
Do you have a friend who can may be take the things to him? Or give him a particular time to pick it up and tell him that your mom/friend or whoever will be at home and that he needs to pick it up only between such and such time? If he asks y, I don’t think there’s any harm in telling him that you are not ready to see him yet.August 11, 2014 at 1:10 pm #358617
A couple options:
1) Mail his stuff to him. (Be polite and friendly about it)
2) arrange for a friend to be there when he picks his stuff up. Prep her on what to say if he asks about you (something short, sweet, and positive).
It sounds like the cost of postage might be worth your emotional well-being?
If he makes a direct request to talk and clear things up, then you can decide if you want to engage in that.
I wouldn’t project too much meaning onto this …..if he wants an “excuse” to talk, he will find you. Picking up his stuff could also be a sign that he really is moving on and giving you the chance to do so as well.
Just let him know you need some space right now if he asks….you can do this all in a gentle and self-respecting way. I just would hate for you to hope for a reconciliation of some sort when he comes by and then feel completely devastated if it doesn’t happen. It seems like you really need a chance to heal from this. I have made the mistake of attempting a reconciliation too quickly, before I myself had had the time (months) to grow and change. It sounds to me like for you to have a good relationship with him or anyone in the future, a lot of time, space, and growth is necessary. Even if he did come back begging to get back together, it would be too soon…..you both have so much growing to do before you can even know if you were right for each other. Restarting now seems like it would just repeat the cycle of drama, whereas you really need (and deserve) the time and space to grow and move on from who you have been.
If you are meant to be, I don’t think taking space gently and with self-respect and compassion will blow your chances. Seeing him now may just set both of you back when really what you need is time and space to heal and grow.
Others may have much better advice but this is personally what I would do.
Like you said above, there’s no way to know what’s going on in his head, you can only do what’s best for you.August 11, 2014 at 1:11 pm #358618
Hi Claire… do as Sherri advises. it’s too soon to see him.. he is pushing but not for the right reasons….he has NOT SAID he wants to talk.
I worry if you meet him he will try to sex you bsck into bed.August 11, 2014 at 1:12 pm #358620
maisie’s post is great. it overlapped mine !August 11, 2014 at 1:23 pm #358623
Harley and Sherri we overlapped!!
Claire, how are you feeling about all this?
What are your instincts about what’s best for you?
In my own case, I really pushed for SOME kind of reconciliation after a month just because I was hurting so bad and hoped it would make me feel better even if we were just friends. But that didn’t work out…..it took three more months apart from each other and then we both had really changed and moved on from the people we had been before. Those months were HARD…..but in retrospect some of the most important of my life and I’m really grateful for it now. You sound SO good in your posts about rejuvenating your life and focusing on you…..it won’t always be easy but keep that a priority!! Don’t worry that if you don’t meet him now you’ll never see him again – I have done this but it is just panic and insecurity speaking ….these guys ALWAYS come back, sometimes when they’ve become completely irrelevant, and sometimes when you’ve both truly changed and moved on.
If this guy truly cares about you as a friend or anything more, he will understand and respect your need for space (and respect you all the more for it). I think the most important thing now is to do what’s good for you. The right guy will respect that more than anything.August 11, 2014 at 2:29 pm #358640
AWW Maisie I love you. Your posts are really good.
AND YES CLAIRE.. HE WILL be back, if you do No Contact… as Maisie said.. THEY ALL COME BACK !August 12, 2014 at 5:42 am #358741
Thank you :) It’s a large suitcase full of clothes etc so I can’t really post it. The other thing I was thinking is that i’m in his hometown visiting a friend the weekend after next and I could drop it off at his mums house (he is away that weekend so won’t be there). I just don’t want to appear to be doing any him any favours either, but like you said it will probably be better for my emotional well being. I will be going by the house, it’s not like i’m going out of my way.
Other than that my idea was to let him know i’m not ready to see him yet and that if he wants his stuff right away I can leave it around the side gate of the house for him to collect or if he doesn’t need his stuff desperately he can wait for another time in the future when we’ve both got over things properly.
What do you think? I think taking it to his mums might be best, I just don’t want to be scuppered if he ends up at home that weekend, but if it turns out he is I can always re arrange and come clean then. I don’t want to be expressing any sadness or concern about seeing him – which is why I think this option is the better one, i’d just rather have him thinking I’m fine. On the other hand it will feel strange going to his mums house and seeing the family, but I think I can get over that better than I can seeing him and I do still have a very good relationship with his family. His Mum said that she really wants to keep in touch.August 12, 2014 at 5:52 am #358746
Oh gosh, what if his mum starts fishing for information about whether i’m dating etc though, and what if she says something about him and the ex he is hanging around with? Oh heck!
Maybe I should just remain strong and see him? I wouldn’t push for a reconciliation I know that, i’d just let him collect his things. It would hurt but i’d get through it i’m sure. I just think leaving his bag round the side or getting someone else to give it to him looks like i’m still really affected by this and I don’t want him to think that. As much as i’d rather not see him I can’t stop him from getting his stuff and hiding or getting someone else to pass it to him seems a bit like I can’t control my emotions. I think i’m just going to have to see him and expect nothing more than passing his stuff over. It will feel like crap but I know I can do it and remain to appear calm. If he does push for anything more it will be a firm no for now as I know it’s the right time. I doubt he will ask for another chance at this stage but if he does I will just tell him him that I think we both need more time.
I’m finding my self getting a bot excited about seeing him though and i’m just going to have to push that feeling right down.August 12, 2014 at 5:52 am #358747
I’m sitting on the fence on this one.
Whilst I see the perfect logic of the mums.. I never like to get mutual people involved in my relationship, if I can help it.. plus.. HE may be annoyed you did so. HE. .MAY think you are using the mum to get at him OR you are making it crystal clear.. YOU ARE MOVING ON.
I prefer the second option OR….. you could ASK is it ok to leave it round at his mums.
I could turn out that you and his mum stay friends, but I find when a relationship breaks down there are always casualties of war, friends/family take sides and youlose some in teh process. Unfortunate.. but it happens.
Anyway.. wait till eveining and all the others chip in. With the tme difference, half of them are still asleep.August 12, 2014 at 9:22 am #358782
My ex recently contacted me out of the blue and said he was moving and had a few of my things if i wanted to come and collect them. although i am totally over him, i didnt want to engage in conversation so I politely asked him to leave them outside and id collect them at a time when i knew he’d be at work!August 12, 2014 at 9:27 am #358784
Don’t see him Claire. Yuo will only bakctrack and get very upset. NO CONTACT lasts for 2-3 MONTHS ! Gives them a REAL chance to miss you.
Leave the stuff outside and text him. Like Rebecca says.August 12, 2014 at 9:58 am #358796
Breaking contact and seeing him will set you BACK to square one and will have to start the grieving process all over again! Do not see or talk to him. Just tell him where you will place the suitcase, go to the store or do something, and let him come pick it up.
He made it clear that all he wants is his “stuff” because if he was considering a reconciliation he would have come right out an said “sorry, I miss and love you terribly and want us to try again”. Trust me on this, you will only torture yourself all over again and its not worth it. Been there, done that, won’t make that mistake every again.August 12, 2014 at 1:54 pm #358881
Yes you are right and i’ve actually been feeling really good today. It’s the first time I have been able to focus on work and doing my own thing in weeks. I joined the gym this afternoon and bought some new gym clothes and i’m heading over there to get myself fit this evening.
Ok so what do you think of this for a text message…
Hi (ex bf)
I don’t think it’s a good idea to see each other at the moment as it might undo any progress we’ve both made in moving on. I’m happy to leave your stuff round the side gate if you want to collect it next week or if it isn’t desperate we can leave it for some time in the future. I hope you understand and I hope all is going well for you and that you’re happy.
??? Is this ok???August 12, 2014 at 2:10 pm #358887
Myself.. I’d leave the 1st sentence OUT.. as it shows you care/he’s affecting you.
See what all the other’s think.August 12, 2014 at 2:11 pm #358889
No, do not send that! Keep it short and to the point:
Hi ____. Please let me know the day and time you would like to pick it up and I will place it at the side gate. END.
Make sure you’re not home during this time and if he asks where you are just say “At the gym or scuba diving or something FUN” Let him keep WONDERING what you’re up too :-)August 12, 2014 at 5:19 pm #358997
Yeah I agree, just short and it still sounds polite. Doesn’t leave any space for him saying “yeah I’m great”.
Also, well done you for joining all these new activities! Amazing! When my ex broke up with me, I came on this site and it inspired me to change myself and gain confidence exactly the same way that you are doing! Go you :)August 12, 2014 at 5:20 pm #358998
By change….I meant grow and focus on myself. Not totally change!!August 13, 2014 at 6:49 am #359097
As I wasn’t sure what to say before I got all of your responses I have just stalled him until the end of the week for now. I replied saying I didn’t know what my plans were for next week yet and so I would get back to him at the end of this week to let him know. He just replied saying that was fine and he could come whenever suited me best.
I feel rubbish today. I think I feel like him collecting his stuff signifies that it really is the end. To be honest I could have coped with the breakup reasonably well but it’s his contact with his ex that sticks the knife in the most. Pretty much all of my friends have said that they thin I should see him and actually find out what his situation is with her, rather than sitting around fretting about it. I’m nit sure if it matters though, even if they are just friends now who’s to say it wouldn’t progress into something down the line and that is really none of my business and is out of my control.
I miss him terribly. I was thinking of all the laughs we had last night. It really hurts. It’s been two months on and i’m still in pain. I wish this would go away. I love him so much and yet I wish I could just forget him.August 13, 2014 at 7:01 am #359100
It really doesn’t matter what the story is with the ex. THE MAIN POINT IS.. it wasn’t working with you and him. Askin ghim may get you closure… it may not.. he may lie. I honestly don@t think the guy knows his arse from his head right now.
You are bound to have withdrawal.. it will take months. Of course you miss him.. but reality is.. the situations WAS NOT WORKING for him.
If you talk to him now.. you risk going back, being booty call.. and he will STILL disappear in a few weeks time.
HE.. has to sort himself out and come back to you,with a plan of action to improve things for good. HE.. is not doig that.. NOR is he phoning. Texting is lazy and lame from a guy. NO real effrot put into you.
STAY STRONG ! I had the love of my life do this on me.. if I can bear it.. so can you !August 13, 2014 at 7:01 am #359101
Claire, you need to think about bad times and how much you deserve to be treated so much better. Yeah its nice to think about yous laughing….but its not good to focus on that. That being said, it is good to allow yourself to feel hurt for a little while as it is important to start moving on with life.
Good idea on stalling him until you figure out what you want to do. Shows you are too busy. You are going through a grieving process, so it will need to end at some point so dont leave it too long.
I’m sorry that you are so hurt :( its not nice at all. But dont you think, it obviously wasnt meant to be if you are feeling this way and are in this situation now. I know its a crappy feeling and I’m sure you want to know if he feels the same.
But what if you met up again and he didnt give you the responses you wanted….it would be alot harder on you.
In a couple of months you’ll look back and think “wow I am so much better off now!” Thats what happened to me because I didnt contact him, deleted his number, had him blocked on facebook after seeing pictures of him with girls and just generally tried so hard to focus on myself. It wasnt easy and I met someone else without even meaning to!August 13, 2014 at 7:04 am #359102
Harley is right, it wasnt working for him or you. It will take time to see that. I know at this point it just feels like he lied and decided to run away. But that shows you thats not the kind of relationship you want foreverAugust 13, 2014 at 7:11 am #359103
REBECCA’s QUOTE :
In a couple of months you’ll look back and think “wow I am so much better off now!” Thats what happened to me because I didnt contact him, deleted his number, had him blocked on facebook after seeing pictures of him with girls and just generally tried so hard to focus on myself. It wasnt easy and I met someone else without even meaning to!
THAT…. happened me a few weeks ago. Officially OVER my first love.. now have to move on from this guy. LOL.
2 rejections in 3 mths Claire. .and I’m still standing, stronger than ever, NOT willing to accept crumbs or a crap elationship !
NEVER.. want a man who does NOT want you !August 13, 2014 at 7:28 am #359105
wow Harley you go girl! Just shows how confident you are and how much you have learned from past relationships that you wont settle for anything less than you want or deserve! I really admire youAugust 13, 2014 at 10:06 am #359138
I meant ride( have sex ) instead of rise him.. but sure I’ll RISE him too…. or at least parts of him !August 13, 2014 at 1:27 pm #359172
Ok so I went with my gut on this one. I knew I wasn’t ready to see him and don’t want him round my house as I would be too tempted to stay home so I told him that if he didn’t urgently need his stuff I would drop it off at his when I was ready (in the next couple of months). I have a friend in the area and made it clear it would only be during a visit to her and that I wouldn’t be going out of my way. I would prefer to have control on this one. His response just came back saying ‘ok love’. I wondered whether I had cut an opportunity off for him to see me as he usually has a lot more to say and wondered if he was hurt by this. One of my friends said he could have viewed this as a big ‘fuck you i’m moving on’ from my side. So I wrote back asking him how was he getting on and I mentioned a funny memory we shared together. He responded to this with ‘yeah that was really funny, well have a lovely time on your holidays xxx’. So it’s left at that.
I’ll drop the stuff doff when i’m in the right frame of mind. I feel much better. I think this is the right choice for me.