This topic contains 166 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ashley 7 years, 2 months ago.
May 18, 2015 at 5:26 pm #428908
Ashley, I was thinking about how you advised me and I feel you understand my situation and you understand him. Feels like you got it right. You understood our dynamics and gave good advice. Thanks.
Also thanks to everyone for the effort.
I had a long day at work. He called me in between. I answered and asked what happened, he said feeling sick. I asked, sick with what. He said, ‘just sick. Are you busy’. I said, ‘yes’ . He hung up. I had someone at my desk so couldn’t callback, then got dragged into work. Just sitting down and thinking.
There were days when he was busy, he did not speak to me for weeks, I felt bad and missed him but I understood and never complained. Do I have to remind him? I don’t do that because then he will conclude that I am doing this deliberately to get even or something. Pheewwwww!!!May 18, 2015 at 5:41 pm #428914
does he EVER ask you how YOU feel? how can he help YOU? cuz it sounds like it’s all about him. choosing not to spend sunday with you after moaning you don’t have time for him… yeah, cool. then not answering, then texting in the middle of the night (he doesn’t mind waking you up? what were you supposed to do about him not feeling well? I don’t get it…) and then calling while you’re at work, hanging the phone when you say you’re busy (which most of the people are when they are at work…)
sounds like talking about a child, not about man.May 18, 2015 at 5:54 pm #428916
you’re welcome.. I feel like he is trying to manipulate you & make you jump like a dog trying to grab a treat.. you need to get away from this guy! it seems like he plays you like a fiddle & you let him. I know you love him & loving a guy can make us blind but at some point you need to stop being a glutton for punishment and cut him off already! you don’t need someone like this in your life. it is exhausting and of no benefit to you it just drags you down..May 18, 2015 at 6:51 pm #428925
If I am unhappy or unwell then he does look after me and never leaves me until
I am feeling better. He gets very concerned. So I try to not tell him, it has been few times that I could not hide and even if he had his own problem and busy schedule he did not leave my side.
That would be one of his positive points. But otherwise yes he can be very selfish .
Ashley, I plan to let him be for now and focus on my work. May be he needs time to think And reflect on his behaviour .May 19, 2015 at 6:13 am #428993
I meant to check how he was but he seem to have ghosted. Do guys do that after sex? I have noticed that if he had satisfying sex then I can forget him for few days!! Unless I trigger something to turn him on he won’t initiate contact.May 19, 2015 at 6:25 am #428994
I also found my bf backs off after sex.. although he initiates contacts with me everyday, he usually have shorter conversations with me on phone after sex. It usually lasts for 2-3 days then he would start showing he misses me again.May 22, 2015 at 12:10 pm #429894
So he said he don’t want breakup then we had sex then he became unwell and went on resting mode. He was feeling better and was looking to speak with me. I was in meetings and when I returned his call, we spoke he asked to meet in the evening. I had plans so I asked how is weekend looking. He just said ‘busy’ and I did not ask for details. Then he asked how was my weekend and I told him a list of things I have done and I had to do, I added that other than all that I told him I will be around a but j get that you will be busy. He went ballast if and said I just told him how busy busy busy I am and that I was being sarcastic to say that I understand he will be busy. And said , that I hurt him and he can’t do this anymore. Based on previous advise given to me in one of the threads here. I think it was Dauny. I said if you want break up tell me and he said he do . I said ok. Then there was an awkward silence and I said to him , it is natural to feel sad and feel like cry a bit so I need to go to wc. Hope this will make you happy. I will be hurt but I will remind myself that it’s for you . Excuse me now. and I hung up.
Some of you know I do love him. What shall I do ?May 22, 2015 at 12:35 pm #429899
Anon, Im sorry you went through this, but that was a lot of needless drama. It seems like you called his bluff. You didn’t do anything to precipitate that from what I can tell. You simply let him know what you were doing and acknowledged that you understood he was busy. I have a feeling he said he was busy just to jab because he is very sensitive about you being busy. But that is all silly! Two adults should be able to communicate without all this pettiness. I think you should do some serious thinking about what you learned here, and what you want for yourself for your future. And then concentrate on that. Be thankful you are free now to discover what’s in store for you.May 22, 2015 at 12:50 pm #429904
Anon, In an earlier post I encouraged you to discuss with him what of his emotional needs were not being met in your relationship and I also said in my post that you needed to clarify with him if he wanted to break it off. This guy is clearly communicating to you that he isn’t all in – with being in a relationship. Men don’t break up usually unless they have already had one foot out of the door. Often women are surprised but in fact they just missed the signs that the guy actually was on his exit mode, then after some little miscommunication the guy is ready to bail — and the woman is suprised — but in fact the guy had already in his mind that he was on his way out,,,,if things went well and got better he’d hang in there, if not, he’s out —- your guy is out….there isn’t anything to do.
What you do, is let him go.
If there is any chance of getting back together it won’t happen by trying to force the issues, you will need to let him go and give him the space he wants.
Hang in there and treat yourself really well, spend time with friends, be healthy, sleep well, discover new interests as well.
Time heals all wounds and if you are meant to be with this guy then time apart is not going to change anything, but you must respect his wish to break up and not force communication. If he tries to keep in touch, tell him “If you want to discuss anything in person I’d be happy to but as for small talk, I think it’s best for me to honor your break-up request and give you the space from our relationship that you want, and in that case, it’s best we don’t talk to each other much”May 22, 2015 at 3:19 pm #429933
He texted me last night saying he is missing me and then again in the morning. I did not reply as I had decided to not reply to each and every message but also I did not get a chance as either I went to sleep or I was at work. Then he called which I missed and I returned it and he said that he misses me and it’s hurting and he wants me and asked to meet early in the evening and I said weekend. That’s when he changed his tone and in that moment I told him things I have done and I plan to do! Now that I recall it was all my achievements and probably I may have sounded like I am boasting or pulling a pun! It irritated him and we also had a small fight/argument when I said , can I not tell you and I don’t mean disrespect etc. then he said what he said and I said what I said. Did I do anything wrong in telling him that I am hurt and I am crying :(May 22, 2015 at 3:50 pm #429948
Both of you are like on some emotional roller coaster. He’s breaking up, then he’s missing you, it’s all over the place.
If I were you I would let him miss you more and tell him after he broke off the relationship you want two weeks without contact to get your head together, otherwise you will be all over the place. And if in two weeks he wants to be with you and you want to be with him then tell him you won’t do this break up thing again, he’s either in, or if he’s out, then it’s for good.
I don’t know if he’s emotionally immature or if he’s ambivalent towards being in a relationship with you, only time apart will give you more information.
Good luck, I know it’s hard.May 22, 2015 at 4:03 pm #429950
How do I say all that now? Today he said in the end he wants breakup. I said ok . And then told him I am hurt and feel like crying excuse me and hung up. I can’t believe what happened. Wish I had never returned his call!May 22, 2015 at 4:45 pm #429960
Basically you described the same type of incident that has happened like 5 times now in a few days. You kept going back, taking his calls, having sex, him withdrawing, getting sick, then mad you’re busy. And again. Listen to ivy and asley, they are telling you for days now to pull back for your own mental health, but you are not taking it in. In stead you repeat the same thing, then come here and wonder what happened. That’s ok, your choice, but i’m just suggesting, take a deep breath and think of yourself without thinking about the guy. What would make you feel good? And focus on thatMay 22, 2015 at 4:46 pm #429961
And read the posts from dee, she went through the same thing and is now having funMay 22, 2015 at 5:53 pm #429976
I know it can be frustrating as a reader to read and feel that I am still stuck on him. And yes it has been going on for a while now. If he is busy then is critical and its important but if I get busy then his world goes upside down. I am not denying any of your advise. Its just that I heard it and he said that. I am digesting what happened , no matter what it hurts, how can so many years of investment finish in a snap!! He came wanting me and then ended up leaving me within ten minutes!! Not ignoring anything and have read everything more than once, I am just very shocked and feels sad :(May 22, 2015 at 7:13 pm #429998
I’ve written so much on here, I am not sure what exactly I advised you to do, but I generally say stuff like let him go and he’ll come back, don’t text, etc. but I think in your case he seemed unstable. Can’t if he’s playing a cruel game or if needs help. Also, punishing you in bed not a good sign. Anyway, your post this time did not sound like you, sounded upset and at wits end. Get some support, family? Even his family. Sounds like seriously unhealthy and unhappy issues.May 22, 2015 at 8:19 pm #430003
I am shocked today. Thats all. How can someone misses you and wants you one moment and then breaks up and leaves coldly in the next??May 22, 2015 at 8:21 pm #430004
whatever it was now whats the point? he said he wants to break up. I am thinking if I should call him tomorrow , if this was a mistake?? Or will that push him further away?May 22, 2015 at 8:22 pm #430005
he had me full. we did everything for three years and today my work is hurting him? and he breaks everything in ten minutes? I did say in one post that I am thinking of moving in with him but now what?May 22, 2015 at 8:25 pm #430006
Anon, I read through thread, I think it was Ivy who made suggestion your referring to.
I don’t generally do the direct approach of out and out asking someone if the want to breakup, etc especially if they are depressed. It can force them into a corner and in that frame of mind they may not know what they would want when well.
However, I also know that it does not matter what you say to someone who still cares, they come back until it’s all dried up and they’ve checked out. This guy is in no condition to check out . He’s still very dependent on you. That being said this whole thing is bad for YOU. You need to seek professional counseling to get through this.May 22, 2015 at 8:30 pm #430007
I get how you love him, but he’s a mess and he’s taking you down with him into his own private Hell. Don’t go. I had an alcoholic parent and know what it is like to love someone and know the love you, but they’re so fucked up and self absorbed they cannot give. They can only drain and suck the life out of you. It is one of those painful realities in life but you must seek help for YOU.May 22, 2015 at 8:31 pm #430008
I need to follow my own advice, as I am I love with someone partly bad for me.May 22, 2015 at 9:34 pm #430015
Dauny, I did that today. He was depressed, very unhappy and I made him jealous and then asked him if he wanted breakup and he said yes!!
I know it is one thing to support someone and other to deal with situation yourself. Hope you can do what you know is right for you xoxoxMay 22, 2015 at 10:04 pm #430021
I suggest you read the book “Codependent No More…” by Melody Beatty. Depression is an illness and unless your skilled with the proper coping mechanisms then you fall victim to their mental instability which in turn makes you unstable. I define it as “trying to create order out of disorder” and if you stay with him, trust me on this, it will destroy you! I also highly suggest you join a support group of those who’ve battled with depression because this relationship is like going into battle unarmed.May 22, 2015 at 10:22 pm #430023
As a side note: I think you also need a good book on setting boundaries. When you don’t have boundaries and stick to them then you become vulnerable and easily manipulated. I can’t defer you to a good one but I’m sure a google search will point you in the right direction.