This topic contains 166 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ashley 6 years, 3 months ago.
May 23, 2015 at 2:24 am #430044
In this type of situations do they ever come back? I should have set boundaries. Right now what’s hurting more is that just few days back we had sex and yesterday he desperately wanted me abd now he is gone! Three years to end like this!?May 23, 2015 at 3:07 am #430046
Another question . Can I call him today? It’s hurting a lot :(May 23, 2015 at 3:37 am #430051
I’m sorry Anon you’re hurting. But you may not see it now, but this break up is possibly the best thing that will ever happen to you.
And NO DO NOT CALL HIM. For the sake of your own sanity. Don’t give him a chance to reject you again. I can assure communicating with him will not make you feel any better. I’d ask you to block him, and just cut all contact and accept it really is over and focus on trying to move on.
I know it’s been 3 years, but Ivy mentioned when a man breaks up with you , it means one foot has been out the door for a while and we just ignore the red flags. There really is nothing to salvage here, so please restrain yourself from trying to bring him back or fix things. He does not deserve you.May 23, 2015 at 4:17 am #430056
Yes they come back, like a yo yo. He’s got a hole in his soul that cannot be filled. He cannot really feel anything except his own suffering, To him, you are like part of him, and he’s a mess so that is not a good thing to be a part of.
This is not going to be easy. My favorite quote by Sartre “Hell is other people.” Separate yourself, which you are taking the steps to do. It’s hard cause he’s so manipulative.May 23, 2015 at 7:39 am #430066
think he will get in touch. so u should not connect.
the first 3 days probably would be bad. and its weekend so ur not working so no distractions. surround urself with friends or meet family or go to gym or do household chores. if you go out leave your phone behind. so you not tempted to message. but please resist from reaching out. m sure he will reconnect. be patient. that’s the least u can do. try and reach within and gather some strength. its not so difficult. he told u he doesn’t want to be with u. he walked away. remind yourself of that when you feel tempted to reach out.
I think u can hold on for few days of NC. when your not so emotional after few days you would probably think of the whole thing rationally and not just emotionally. and then maybe just maybe you should read all the posts which most ladies have posted on your thread and you may then get the strength to do what you think is right for you.
I have read both your threads and posted cpla messages. I have been in a situation like yours. chasing some1 who has told u he wants to break with you never works. u have to be strong. its really not the end of the world. all the best to u. please don’t get in touch with someone who told you he doesn’t want to be with you. don’t.May 23, 2015 at 8:42 am #430083
Thanks Dauny and Soni I hear what you are saying .
I have heard nothing from him so far. Too bad that everyone is busy today. Weather is bad too :(May 23, 2015 at 8:48 am #430084
try taking your mind off. dont waitttt.. that’s a sure shot way of giving in to temptation and texting him. wtch some serials that u missed out on. do ur fav things. but promise urself u will not get I, its not so n touch. when u make up ur mind, its not so difficult.
also think of it this way. u didn’t break up. he did. so if he wants you back he has to reconnect. u reaching out will not help. he has to reach out.May 23, 2015 at 9:46 am #430098
I hung up saying I feel like crying and I have colleagues around.. need to go to we and I hung up. Will he think I walked away and I should reconnect or is it still him. I just remembered its his sil birthday he must have gone to their place.May 23, 2015 at 9:47 am #430099
Wc* not weMay 23, 2015 at 10:02 am #430101
I’ve gone through this thread and all I can say I feel so bad for the ladies especially Ashley who have continuously held you hand through this but you’re not listening to anyone. you’re not taking in any advice…what’s the point of asking for advice and u’re not taking it or using it?? you come here for advice but in the end u do what u want which is exactly the opposite of what these ladies are telling u !! everybody here seems to be rooting for u Anon..but u’re on ur sleazy bfs side. if u cant see or know or worth no one here will make u see it. u can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results that’s insanity!!Einstein was right. I’m honestly mad that you’re letting yourself go through with this crap again. all the best…maybe if u keep screwing yourself over and over you will learn. ? All the bestMay 23, 2015 at 10:05 am #430102
I meant *if you can’t see or know your worth no will convince you to see it because u’ve put such a low price tag on urself and only u can raise it.May 23, 2015 at 10:58 am #430118
she’s right anon. he’s like an addiction and your not even trying to get over it. every1 here is rooting for you and trying to make u see sense. but u r just focussed on getting bac wid him even when he’s told u he wants to break up. guess am concerned bec I was in the same position as u some years back and did what u did. it didn’t work ofcourse. take your mind off. block him for few days till u get ur sanity back and with that some rational perspective. break the addiction. u don’t need him. u r fine on your own. if it has to work at all then he has to get in touch with you. so what if u hung up. u hung after he told u he wants to break up!! please dont make excuses or defend actions. that’s probably the worst that u cant do..May 23, 2015 at 1:00 pm #430151
Believe me, I am listening and listening to everyone on here and at the other thread as well! I have not reacted since. Yes I am hurting and yes it’s an addiction but my coming here for help is only because I am trying to get my sanity back! I cannot pretend to be happy when I am sad and annoyed and confused! I am not going to call him or wait for him. But it’s just mind goes in all the directions . It thinks what happened and how it was. There were good moments too! They hurt so I post here that I am hurting ! I feel he used me and he wanted to keep on doing that. He wanted to keep on working and wanted me to stop! If it was old me I would call him and cry and then we will have makeup sex! But no , I am not going to do any of it now! This can be his another cry for attention! I am trying to not think as much as possible!
Everything posted here is valuable! XMay 23, 2015 at 1:45 pm #430163
ofcourse ur hurting. and all of us know that.
he has treated u badly thruout and taken u for granted. and then finally broken off and walked away. he wants all the attention and evrythng to be the way he wants it and at his convenience. the min u start putting ur foot down he behaves like this. don’t thnk it is the end if you go back to toeing his line. but if u do that you will never be happy deep down at the way u compromised on ur dignity and self respect. u said in ur post. earlier u wld have called and cried and you guys would have got back together. he is probably expecting you to call him. when u don’t he will wonder why. and then maybe get worried and panicky as to why u not calling. call his bluff. turn the tables on him. u will emerge stronger whether u guys reconcile or not.
this may not be the end but u need to luk at the big picture. and that can happen only when u do NC and stay on your own for few days. ur emotions will settle and the pain will be manageable. u just need time to heal and grow stronger emotionally and mentally. and that can happen only if u let urself. tc and wish u all the best. trust me after few days u wl feel much better.
wish you all the bestMay 23, 2015 at 3:10 pm #430176
Makes sense! Thanks!May 23, 2015 at 4:21 pm #430194
Internally you feel
that right now would be the perfect
time to pick up the phone to call your
ex boyfriend and suggest you two try
and work things out. But everyone is
screaming at you to not do that.
You’re confused, you feel desperate
and you’re worried that you’re going
to make a mistake that’s going to
cost you the man you love. Before
you do anything, you need a short
and concise lesson in male
psychology. There’s a very good
reason why you should pay attention
to those who tell you to forget your
ex boyfriend’s phone number,
address and place of work.
Right Now You’re Not in Control of
Your Failed Relationship
After a break up the individual who is
chasing their ex partner is not in
control of the future of the
relationship. As women we often
wish we could live our lives in the
pages of a romance novel. We
imagine that moment when our ex
boyfriend picks up the phone to say
he can’t live another day without us.
The problem is that in reality that’s
not likely to happen if you’re chasing
him non-stop. Your actions really do
speak louder than your words in this
scenario and your actions are
screaming a message that loudly
declares, “I’m desperate and I don’t
care who knows it.”
He is completely in control of what
happens next. If he chooses to
ignore you, he knows instinctively
that you’re just going to step up your
efforts and pursue him even more.
Essentially you’re telling him that the
more he ignores you, the harder
you’ll try. Your life revolves around
him and that feeds his ego. Most
men in this position aren’t quick to
give their ex girlfriend the time of day
because they want to see how far
she’ll push herself in an effort to win
You must shift the dynamic of the
relationship so that you’re the one in
control of the future. The best way to
do that is to change your own
behavior. You’ll actually be surprised
at how quickly he’ll decide he wants
you when he suddenly believes you
no longer want him.
There’s More to Ignoring Your Ex
Boyfriend Than Not Answering His
One relationship changing error that
many women make before they start
no contact with their ex boyfriend is
they tell him of their intentions in
such a way that he realizes that it’s
little more than a game. If you
announce to your ex boyfriend that
you’re no longer talking to him, and
you do that while you’re overly
emotional, he’s going to view it as a
tactic to get him back. His
competitive spirit will kick itself into
overdrive and he’ll set out on his
own course to ignore you. Before you
know it, weeks or months will have
passed and you’ll both be too
stubborn to reach out to connect
with the other.
You’re much better off just dropping
off the face of the earth. The best
advice you can follow is to decide
one moment (now is good) that
you’re not going to talk or try to try
to your ex boyfriend again for at least
a month. Don’t let anyone know that
you’re doing this as mutual friends
love to gossip and your ex boyfriend
will once again realize you’re using
no contact as a tool to remind him
how much he needs you.
During the next month, try your best
to shift your focus to something
positive and enriching. It’s very
tempting to sit and wallow in the
memories of when you two were
together but that’s not going to
accomplish anything productive for
you. This should be a month when
you rediscover who you are, as a
woman, and you get in touch with
what you want out of life.
Redefine What Your Life Goals Are As
You Distance Yourself From Your Ex
You’re in for a couple of welcome
surprises when you do begin the
journey of ignoring your ex boyfriend.
First and foremost, you’re going to be
shocked with how he responds.
Typically a man will want a woman
who no longer wants him. Once your
ex boyfriend realizes that you’ve
stopped your never-ending quest to
regain his love and devotion, he’ll
set out to recapture your heart. It’s
amazing how that works. Men are
notorious for wanting things in life
that are just beyond their reach.
When one of those things becomes
an ex girlfriend, a man will kick his
charm into high gear in an effort to
win her back. Basically, if you take
away the knowledge that you want
him, he’ll start to question who you
do want. Once that happens, he’ll
come running back to you full force,
trying to get you to explain to him
The other, more welcome, benefit of
ignoring your ex boyfriend is you get
to finally decide, in an emotionally
uncluttered way, whether getting back
together is actually something that
you want or need. Things look and
feel much different a month after the
break up. Your emotions are settled,
your future is less defined and you
are open to a whole array of
bumped into this…May 23, 2015 at 4:40 pm #430202
Wow! great information. where did you find this? It all makes sense and this whole subject appears to be something that all the women must educate themselves on!! Its an irony that we cannot express our true self, we cannot show when we are needy that we need them and we cannot tell them if we are disappointed. We always have to find a ‘better way’ to communicate or say something and not appear emotional wreck!!
For now, I get that I must forget him and focus on myself and that this is in my best interest, but he is kind of NC too and I wonder what he must be up to! I am being open and honest here, this is how its feeling 24hrs after the NC. Male psychology is so much skewed!
I will post here if I have any update that will verify the whole theory is right or wrong. I am going to be with a better person for sure, I know so many better and fine men, why can’t I have one?!
I am curious to see that what everyone claims is right or wrong. And no I am not hoping or thinking anything from him or about him here. Just that this is new information for me that if I did NC he will miss me rather than get over me!! How, I don’t understand?!May 24, 2015 at 12:48 am #430275
heyseattle. very well said in detail. exactly what I said but so elaborately. I hate this NC thing. many times I wonder just y v have to do this and y cant v simply talk issues and resolve but sadly this is how it works many times.
Just to shift a little focus from anon, I did the same with sm1 who reconnected with me after 2 months. the first time I ghosted out. so he got bac after 2 months of silence. but the 2nd time after he reconnected, when he fell into his old ways again and taking me for granted, I did ghost out but I made a mistake I think, not sure. I told him why this will never work between us and that I deserve much more. which you are not ready to give. of course when I said this I knew I liked him but I also knew I don’t want him back in my life again if he continues with the same old behaviour. taking me for granted. I have no intentions of getting in touch with him and have deleted his no.
I am not waiting for him and neither do I expect him to return. but yes m a little wistful when I think of him. should I have just ghosted again this time too??May 24, 2015 at 1:27 am #430285
That’s the thing…they go back to old ways, which defeats purpose of nc. I always make mistake of having something to say for “closure,” I never learn that this just makes him sure he’s still got me hooked. They know when you’re truly done for good, THAT is when the change, but it’s too late. Too bad we can’t just ask for what we want and they give it to us.May 24, 2015 at 1:32 am #430287
That is how I stay centered is to look at things as a whole. I may love him more now, but he may love me more later. Either way we’ve loved each other. Just not at the same time. In the meantime, life is full of surprises. You feel your own love. They feel their love, the older you get, you look back and know what was true.May 24, 2015 at 4:52 am #430300
I didn’t say anything earlier dauny when I ghosted the first time. no formal closure. wasn’t done as a kind of tactic. go NC and he will get in touch. I just decided to put him out of my mind and life totally. deleted his contact details and since we don’t have mutual friends I knew there was no way to get in touch when I deleted his nos. not just that, I also went thru my call log and deleted all his calls. that way I knew I just wouldn’t not have his no anywhere should I get tempted to reconnect. he reconnecting was a total surprise for me.
this time I guess I knew there wont be another chance. he wont change that’s obvious and I would just not be happy with what little he had to give at this point in time. don’t think he is a bad guy just that he cannot give me what I want. sigh. I told him please delete all my pics and no and not to ever get in touch again. and that I too will do the same. tc and all the best in life. I know he wont reconnect.
after that incident I am ensuring I don’t focus too much on one guy while its just casual dating. will thnk about getting deeper and investing more when things really progress. m trying to meet and date other men in the meanwhile.May 24, 2015 at 5:47 am #430305
are you suggesting that a closure is important? My BF was unwell with some infection and when I asked him he did not say all good, rather he said he was feeling better, which means he was still not entirely well at that time and he was at home, he started saying that come to me now, you work too much. When I said I can meet on the weekend just not on Friday. He said he will be busy on the weekend. At that time I did not recall that he told me a few weeks back that his SIL birthday is on this weekend and he will be out of town for that, Anyways, I thought he is just using ‘busy’ word for his weekend and not giving me the details so I went first and told him all that I did throughout the week at the work front and that I have to update things in my laptop over the weekend, other than that I am pretty much around, but I understand that he will be ‘busy’, he went all ballistic and says thanks for your pun, I understand that you are a busy busy women and I am fed up, I want love. I can’t do this. I said , no pun intended, I was just telling you what I have done and that I will be around. He said, well done (in a sarcastic way). I said, its been going on like this all week, if you want breakup then let me know, if not…. he did not let me finish the sentence and said. I do. Then there was an awkward silence, I felt like crying and thought if he hung up first then I will feel very bad, so after couple of minutes . I spoke and said, I am sad and feel like crying and I have everyone around I am going to washroom, excuse me now and hung up.
This keeps playing in my head!!!!!! I am reading and reading this thread and it helps from morning to evening when I come and read again because otherwise my mind is not thinking past and all the experience. Its just recalling this conversation. I went to movies last night, I lost the plot!! I could not focus. I do feel like crying and I wonder was it his health and stress level? Will he regret this?
I came to read again, I think I will be good for a day. Believe me I have understood everything thats been said here. Its been two days and with each passing day it feels, he must be enjoying parties and probably won’t think about me anymore. That thought hurts like dragger. I value myself too much and I love myself but I am not able to correlate heartbreak with that. We did had sex last Saturday, he walked away next day making me wait and before I complain he tells me he is unwell and wants to rest and he rested all week and then this! He is the one who did not give time when he could. How did I not give him my time? This was absurd!May 24, 2015 at 5:48 am #430306
And I did not say all that to him but I really want to. Not with a view to reconcile but he needs to see how wrong HE is not me. But I am not going to do any of that. I am not sure if he will realise it himself or not.May 24, 2015 at 6:22 am #430307
Anon, I am sorry you have had this experience and honestly the guy sounds like a massive hypocrite. Wanting to spend time with people is obviously a big part of a relationship but if someone is just always criticising when and how you do that whilst doing as they please when it suits them then you are so much better off out of it. He sounds manipulative and whiny and frankly not that honest.
I know you feel sad. Everyone has great advice and everyone is rooting for everyone else on here but sometimes it is easy to forget that you can not skip the sadness and pain, you have to face it and use the advice given to take your mind off it.
That does not mean that if you cry or get down you have failed at this, we all do. It’s how you ensure that when you feel sad you don’t reach out but remember that this person has triggered this in you that matters.
They say on dating sites all the time that no one can make you feel anything if you don’t let them, but that requires some zen like ninja skills that the vast majority of us don’t have. People hurt us, and that is on them. He has hurt you. You deserve love and affection and support in your career, and if he can only see his needs and is only concerned about his needs then he is not the man for you, nor anyone really.
By knocking your efforts he has effectively made you question yourself and behaviour and it seems to me he has done this quite ruthlessly to get out of the relationship since perhaps his mind games were not paying off as much as he liked. Well good. I am proud that you are strong enough to have forced an answer from the coward.
So watch an entire series on Netflix, re-organise your wardrobe, do a bathroom purge, plan a week of meals and cook it, make a whole routine of activities that you can do for the next week. Text as many friends as you can just to check in, don’t mention him, he isn’t worth the breath.
You are your only constant companion all through life, and you have to be your own best friend. So imagine what you would tell your best friend. And listen.
Bug HUGS.May 24, 2015 at 6:35 am #430308
nicely said em. m myself finding it difficult to just go out and meet men. u feel angry and fed up and wonder what’s the point. but its a start. I therefore meet men but casually and trying to play it one day at a time.
ofcrse since anon was in a proper relationship for 3 yrs and much closer she will find it difficult. but its going to def get better and she will soon feel back in control of her life. for her it shld be serials, shopping, meeting friends and habing out wid them, chores, lunches and dinners, dressing up and clubbing, eye contact wid strangers, makeover, workouts.. all part of healing process and getting over the worst.
for now u may be playing the last convo in ur mind every few hours. but that’s slowly going to fade till u don’t thnk so much. I did the same too..