he said he needed space

Thank you @ eric…Hannah Kate jippity
(Not trying to dismiss anyone else)
Thanks for this recent words
Wow
Thank you
ans everyone else I never said j didn’t appreciate any of the words or advice
I’m friggin sorry I’m not “over it” doesn’t work that way for me
I don’t know what else to say
Now my situation has changed like Hannah said
So yea I have a lot to think about
And also sorry for my
Short responses
Let me hear you talk when your friggin depressed and can’t see straight
I am seeking out professional help but also looking for support
I’m sorry if that isn’t good enough for some of you
I didn’t realize that being depressed had standards
Sorry for not living up to your expectations
Thank you Eric for allowing me to talk on this forum

I’ve more or less distanced myself from the thread as I’m in contact with Beth off the site. Because of this, if I have a question or suggestion concerning her relationship issue I communicate it to her directly. Talking about it here almost feels as if I’m talking behind her back and I don’t want to do that. I feel compelled to say this though, and I don’t believe that she would mind my saying…

First, Beth is in therapy. No. She has IMMERSED herself in therapy, seeing more than one therapist to make sure she ends up with the right person. Going more than once a week. She is committed to dealing with her issues and I for one and SO proud of her. It’s not always easy to admit you have a problem and seek help, but she did that the minute she realized she couldn’t handle this herself.

Second, she is VERY confused as she has a big decision to make and she knows it. She was expecting him to either show up with her things and break it off, or walk in, tell her what was going on with him and carry on with the relationship. I think that what he actually said threw her and she’s trying to determine if his pulling back because of her or truly because of his current life circumstances (and Beth, maybe you should shed some light on what’s been going on with him so people have all the information). She plans to ask him this question when she sees him next and she is scared.

Last, yes, she is sad, confused and depressed. She really doesn’t know exactly how to respond to some of the comments. I assure you, she is far more articulate off the forum though I understand that you have no way of knowing that. But as Eric pointed out, she is in a fragile state and just seeing a therapist isn’t going to keep her from feeling isolated…coming here CAN. No, we can’t act as her therapists but we can give her a sense of community and support. If any of you don’t see doing so as productive and wish to continue posting on this thread, that is completely understandable.

I remember my friend who is married – before she was we were talking and she said she would never stay with anyone who cheated on her she found out that her husband had cheated but she stayed with him and they worked things out
Meaning you don’t know what you’re going to do in a situation until you’re in the situation
So if he tells me that he needs more time to work on him for us or he tells me anything else I don’t know what I’m going to do I think I might know what I’m gonna do but I don’t know

I didn’t want to be mean, but i was frustrated because i strongly feel you are creating your own self fullfilling profecy by staying in victim mode. I’m sorry for that, because i wish better things for you including the knowledge you don’t need a man to be happy. But i do understand depression and hope you will get the right help to get back on track.

Beth – so overall, things are good? He did not end it? This is what you wanted?

So keep it cool, do not pester him with your texts and calls, do not overburden him when he is torn or dealing with issues.

For your own sake, be a little more selfish. Who would care about you if not you? Sure you love him and care about him – but there should be a LIMIT at which YOUR needs and YOUR dignity need to be respected as well. So don’t let yourself be mistreated, Beth. He is going through a lot of crap, but he is not a baby, he is a grown man.

I don’t know why you are feeling so scared? Your child is healthy? you are ok? have a job? Seriously, put things into perspective, this is not the end of the world. One way or another this situation WILL get resolved. A little patience, a little self-restraint.

One thing helps me – I tell myself “how would you look at it 10 years from now”? So aks yourself, would you see things the same way 10 years from now? would you regret this or that? I look back at some things in my life 10 years ago where I was so upset I thought I’d never get over it, and now I feel sad for myself, for not valuing myself and for allowing so much stress onto myself.

In the end, we need to care about ourselves first, and only after that about others, like the oxygen mask in the airplane. You are going through a lot of stress and yet noone died. This is not right, so don’t let it happen to you. Put some breaks on all that, just be more selfish and self-protective. Think about you and your health, you daughter needs a healthy mom. You will sort out things with this guy, you will, but in the meantime, you are suffering way too much, don’t let it go too deep.

Merry Christmas, enjoy your family and friends, surround yourself with love, with people who care about you. Give love to your daughter, distance yourself from hurt and negative things.

Thanks Eric, for your post. I’m glad to hear that you’ve found a way to overcome depression. It is an awful thing. As you say, it takes a lot of work, and a lot of time, to get out of dark places.

Beth, you may not be moving along at the pace other people want you to move. That’s their problem, not yours. You’ve been amazingly brave in seeking therapy and facing up to your demons. You should be proud of yourself for that.

Getting out of being in such a bad place is a process and takes time. If you just said “right, I’m dumping him and I’m over it”, you would be doing it wrong. You’re doing things the right way, which takes time, but all things worth doing do take time.

Well done hun.

Beth!!!!! Why are you chasing? Even those texts are chasing. This man basically disappeared, then said he is not willing to step up for a real relationship. He said he wants to still see you – make him prove it! You should pull way way way back and let him lead. If he wants to be in your life, then he will be.

I feel very strongly I should say this so I will.

How about a 30 day time out to deal with your mental health/depression??

I spent most of this year severely depressed and battling suicidal thoughts. If someone is depressed, they are neither capable of making good sound decisions nor are they capable of really being in a healthy relationship unless the other person is healthy and knows how to support them and wants to be there.

It feels just awful to see you still making this about him and not about you. Asking if it’s you or if it’s him?? Beth, you are putting yourself for more and more heartache. It also keeps you in a weak position, in victim mode because it puts all the decision making power in his hands, not yours, to go asking if it’s him or you. Please consider just asking him to put this whole thing on hold for a month, rather than make a decision about whether or not to see him in this frame of mind.

Depression tells terrible lies, to get your attention. Depression is a part of you that you have cut off, begging for attention and love. Depression is terrifying, because you don’t know what’s real. For me it felt like wading through molasses. I seriously could not put two thoughts together and my decision making was majorly f’ed up. For me, it took medication to get me back on track. That may possibly be the case for you, I urge you to check it with your doctor. I also exercise, take supplements, holy basil tea and keep the sugar low, because that can screw with your brain chemistry. The cure for depression is different for each person. I started getting interested and reading everything to understand what was happening and also what the solution might be for me. That is a great use of your time – understanding and helping yourself rather than focusing on what he might be thinking, which is completely out of your control and won’t help you get better and deal with the real issue, which is why/how you became overly dependent on being in a relationship with this man.

My point about getting too dependent on this site… ultimately it’s you and you alone who must learn to process and manage your thoughts and feelings. It means doing the work of sitting with the therapists and then sitting with yourself and sitting in the pain until you can learn it’s a part of you and as soon as you hear it and embrace it, you’ve got control back. If you’re always posting here getting a million and one different opinions, it can possibly keep you stuck. Only you can determine that. Just saying.

I urge you to do this important work now. I”m 50. My family splintered into a million pieces when my mom walked out on me and my sisters and my dad when I was 12. A lot of other stuff happened, and I spent most of my life in protect and survive mode. JUST THIS YEAR I’ve had to face all of this because I was so physically and emotionally sick from living 45 years cut off from my real self. I’m grateful I’m getting it now and I also wish I could have not wasted so many years of my life in such a quagmire of crap.

Don’t even get me started on my history with men. I got straightened out on this site a year ago and I am forever grateful. Now I’m dating and enjoying it and most of all enjoying being me because I know the valuable and special person I am. The thing is, you have to be in listen/learn/interact mode to get the most out of site, and obviously if you are depressed you can’t really do that. I’m sorry you are interpreting some of what’s being said as attack. I know everyone here cares about you and no one is trying to hurt or criticize you. There is a lot of wisdom here, although some of it may not be what you want to hear. My concern is all this input is just putting your brain into more scramble. I can’t tell you not to post, but you might try stopping for a little bit while you work intensively with your face to face supporters. But only you know if that’s right.

Very best Christmas wishes to you wherever you are.

Good. You need to get angry beth.

As I said before….

PEOPLE CAN ONLY TREAT YOU HOW YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO TREATED

so, don’t allow him to treat you like this, to control your emotions. Take control of them yourself.

Seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY consider whether you want to continue seeing him now he has told you he can’t be in a relationship.

If he can’t commit, this then opens him up to being allowed to date other women as well as yourself. Can you deal with this? Be honest? I don’t think you would cope with it well. I know I certainly couldn’t.

You don’t want to sit here and just accept whatever crumbs he throws your way.

I know its hard. I said in my last comment, I know how you feel, I’ve been here myself, but 18 months on I am ashamed, and disgusted at myself at what behaviour I let a man put me through. To the point it made me ill!!! Waiting for his contact… The anxiety that creates in yourself.

Never again will I allow a man to make me feel that shit.

It’ll take time, but one day you will look back and realise what a massive learning experience this has been for you. The ladies here can help, if you open up and let them. Harsh words or soft, it all needs to be heard. Everyone only wants to see you strong again and standing up for yourself.

Get angry, grieve, feel the loss, get angry again…. Then accept.

Accept. X

Upset and mad is good, Beth. It means you’re making progress.

I’ve been reading this thread for a while now but never said anything until now.. However after seeing that he told you he can’t commit but still wants to see you I don’t think you should keep seeing him and I think you should move on. I’ve been in this same situation before except that it was flipped. I told my bf at the time that I wanted space and that I didn’t feel like I could commit and be serious about the relationship anymore and the real reason behind that was because I had met another guy and really liked him so I wanted to keep my options open but at the same time I still wanted to keep my bf there as a sort of “backup plan.” I’m not proud of what I did and every situation is different but whenever someone says that they want to see you but don’t want to commit or are too busy to commit.. That should be a red flag right there. If someone really likes you and cares about you then they would do whatever it took to be with you.. Not come up with excuses. You would be their priority.

I’ve also been in a situation where I was seeing a guy for 3 years but we were never together because he didn’t want to commit. It was really hard because he told me he cared about me and liked to spend time with me and I spent so much time thinking about it and trying to decode his every word/action. In the end, it just became clear to me that he was always on the prowl for the next girl and I was only just there because he knew I liked him and would allow him to treat me like that.

The bottom line is.. He can only treat you the way he does if you let him. If he says he doesn’t want to commit, he most likely means that he doesn’t want to commit to YOU and that he wants to keep his options open. Don’t be his backup plan and don’t let him treat you like this to the point where you get obsessively depressed over him.

It is time to get angry at others. Depression is many times anger turned inwards for various reasons.

Anger is one of the emotions that has gotten a bad rap….but anger is healthy directed outwards. At first, it feels strange and out of control…that is ok. It takes time and expressing it (even in private) to give it the honored place it deserves in your life.

It is a life force. Keep it directed outwards.

You are moving in the right direction.

Beth,
No matter how stuck you feel right now, I have faith that you will conquer both your depression and your indecision about this man. I have gone through some pretty horrible things and have felt my heart was broken in a thousand pieces – I have to say that heartbreak is something that can feel hopeless….like you are never going to get over this man, that you will never meet anyone as amazing, handsome or admirable as him. Having felt this in my own life, I can tell you that you will. Please have faith in this and in yourself. You are stronger than you think – and your life will be happy again. Never give up on yourself and never settle for anything less than true love. One thing that will always get you through is hope – hope that there is happiness on the horizon. Because if you believe there is, then there will be. You are in charge of your life – you are the designer – and this life that you create will be beautiful. Think of it like designing a beautiful gown – would you use burlap material? No, you would use a beautiful fabric such as silk. So give yourself the gift of beautiful ingredients for a relationship. The first beautiful ingredient is YOU – and the other part is a man who wants to love, adore and be there for you. Do not settle for a lackluster man – because he can never make a beautiful relationship. He is burlap.

I think maybe it’s hard for you to acknowledge this – because maybe you are scared that you will feel even more depressed if you do? But Beth, there is a man like silk out there somewhere. And if you use the burlap right now, the dress will never come out right – but if you wait until you have the right fabric – the dress will be spectacular. I hope that you can see this. And most of all, I hope that you believe that it is possible.

Whenever I am not quite where I want to be – or I am not sure where I want to be or what I want to do, I try to get in touch with my own imagination, my heart and my instincts. One way to do this is I sit quietly and think about the question I am trying to answer, or the way I want my life to be. I imagine how the ideal job/relationship/home/situation would feel and who would be there with me. I immerse myself in my feelings about this vision and I recognize them. Do I feel scared, happy, content, impatient, sad, angry? Then I imagine the alternatives and how I feel about that scenario and compare my feelings. I recognize my choices – or maybe the unknowns. Where there is a clear choice – this always helps me. It helps to envision myself making a choice, before actually making it, really helps to gauge my feelings about it and whether it is the right choice at that time. Sometimes my choice can be to wait and see. Thinking and really envisioning sometimes helps me not be rash and sometimes helps me take action – but when I’ve fully comprehended my own thoughts and feelings, I am so much more confident in my decision. Maybe when you are ready to move forward, this process will help you.

I know you are going to therapy and I’m sure that it will help you tremendously and empower you to get through this and to feel confident and hopeful again. If you have hope, you have everything.