Ask A Guy: Was I Just Not ‘The One’? post image

Ask A Guy: Was I Just Not ‘The One’?

I was with this guy for almost a year and he refused to be “official” saying he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I eventually ended it, seeing that he was never gonna change. He immediately starting dating someone else and after 3 weeks she was his official ‘girlfriend.’ What the hell? I don’t understand at all. He used to go on and on listing all these reasons why he couldn’t be in a relationship at this point in his life, was it all bullshit? Or was I just not ‘the one?’

See our guy’s response after the jump!

I could speculate, but I don’t have enough information on this to pinpoint my answer.

So here are my guesses on what happened.

He’s being vindictive

I mention this first because I feel it’s the first conclusion someone would jump to.  You mentioned that you ended the relationship when you “saw he wasn’t going to change.”

Depending on his personality and whether or not the end of the relationship bruised his ego, it’s possible that on some level the divulging of this new relationship was meant as a parting slight against you.

Still, it’s most likely that he’s not trying to be vindictive at all.  If you ended the relationship and said that he wasn’t going to change, my guess is that you made the right move and he’s moving along as well.  Hard to watch, but everyone has their way of dealing with relationship pains.

He’s “making amends”

There’s the possibility that he regrets the way his relationship with you went and wants to “right his wrongs” by dating this girl “officially”.  Everyone makes mistakes.  The mistakes made in one relationship sometimes become the lessons learned for the next…

Bad timing/Good timing

I’ve had relationships at bad times in my life.  The one that most prominently comes to mind for me is when I didn’t have a job and I had just broken up with my last girlfriend (she had dumped me, so I was in an exceptionally bad frame of mind).  Just as I was beginning to start the process of getting over the last girlfriend, I ended up in a new relationship that I really was not ready to be in.

I didn’t have a stable job.  I wasn’t working out.  I wasn’t over my last relationship.  I really should have been taking time to get myself back into order, but instead I jumped into a relationship that I wasn’t ready for.

Which brings me to my next point…

He worked through his issues

In the context of that ill-timed relationship, I really should have worked out my own stuff before jumping into another relationship.  As a result, I ended up working through my own issues inside that relationship.  Since I didn’t have my act together, I didn’t want to commit to any kind of relationship.

As that relationship went on, fights and sore points inevitably came up.  A lot of it came in the form of the official “girlfriend title”, but I believe that was just a manifestation of me not having my act together.  Personally, I find it much easier to commit when I feel like the rest of my life is in order.

To tie up the point, it’s possible that he didn’t feel he had his act together when he was with you and now he feels he does.

It just wasn’t “the one”

With all that said, it is possible that your relationship wasn’t, as you put it, “the one”.  Even if that’s the case, it doesn’t mean that his new relationship is “the one” either.

There are no guarantees with relationships.  The best we can do is try our best to understand the other person, try our best to be understood by them and bring our best self to the table.  It doesn’t always work out that way, but it’s what we all aim for.

When a relationship ends, it’s not always a bad thing.  Doesn’t mean it’s not sad or painful, but in many cases it’s the right thing.  The best thing you can do is to forgive yourself for anything you regret about the relationship and keep things in perspective.  Needlessly blaming yourself or questioning your actions can be a major trap in these situations.

Chances are that this is more about him working through his own issues than anything you did right or wrong in the relationship.

Hope it helps.

– eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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Im a catch. I just turned 38. Smart, sexy, funny, good job and not needy. Actually a heartbreaker tbh. When i get close i run. My childs dad and i split in 2019 and i was not looking for anything serious. Went on a site for fetishes to release some sexual tension and met lots of men easily (tho not in person). I met someone who stood out tho…a few yrs older than me but half way across the country. We started talking as friends and a few months later i booked ticket to see him. Was on the plane but flight got cancelled due to weather. Had credit to use within a yr. Then he was sick…i got sick (hospital for both of us) and then covid so we couldnt connect in person. However during this time we talked at least an hr a day and txtd throughtout the day. Our conversations deepened. We both had some difficult things happen in our lives during this time so we laughed and cried together. He pushed me a lil to promise that i wouldnt break his heart cuz he been hurt in past (said he didnt want relationship but would b open to the right person when we met). On video chat a 5 months ago…he said he falling in love with me and wanted to marry me…planning trips for us. My response was “did u just say u loved me?” And he responded…but as a friend. Anyways….we continued talking and now its been a year. In that time our connection deepened further and he said he loved me and was in love with me multiple times. One night about 3 months ago….with a lil alcohol in my system…i told him how i was falling for him too. I thought i messed up but he was happy bc my feelings were mutual for him. About a month ago he moved to a new place and the weekend aftr he moved…he ended the call with i love you and i said it back. Ive been on video and met his mom and sisters and some of his friends in the yr we talked. He would talk about me and tell them things about me and how im his #1 and would tell them how much he loved me (in front of them while on video). When he moved he said communication may be more sporadic as he had alot to get done. He also was moving in with a female roommate that was a lesbian friend of his and wanted to know if i had problem with that. While i wasnt happy about it…i knew he had female friends before and i had guy friends so i trusted him and if thats what he wanted to do it was his choice. However…calls n txts got less when he moved and while he was around still it wasnt like b4. I chalked it up to him being busy like he warned b4. I was finally able to rebook my flight n take my credit for 2 weeks frm now….so ive been trying to talk to him. We got on call yesterday and he apologized to me. He then went off about females always wanting him to b in relationship and that he not relationship material and that he wants to die alone with a harem of women at his funeral…told me that he has deep love for me but he doesnt want or need relationship and all he care about is money. I never said i wanted relationship and he was the one to make all these first declarations of love and commitment to me. We had both agreed that until we met in person and saw the chemistry that we wouldnt make anything official. He still wants me to come as i told him i could fall back and cancel my trip…his first response was yea…if thats what u wanna do…but when i said i would…he told me not to as he really wants to see me. I want to see him in person and now have strong feelings for him…like i would get married if he asked feelings…but i also can turn off my emotions and b cold hearted if need be to protect myself. Im allowing my feelings in as ive never done this b4 so trying something new…but now i feel like i just need to switch them off bc of how he was yesterday and i dont want to b disappointed and heartbroken….my friends think im stupid and he is not good for me as he doesnt really have his life together and cant take care of me like a man needs to (not that i ever asked for it…but im more put together than him and it doesnt bother me though…never rubbed it in his face) i have my own house, car, good career, financially stable…n i know he doesnt have any of that at the moment. urggghh tdlr i dont know what to do bc im in love with him and want to see him but i know im gonna have to suppress those feelings or else end up heartbroken….i mean its been a year and i know that we connected on a level that neither of us experienced b4. Is he scared? Does he feel inadequate or less of a man for me? Is he just not interested in relationship so he can have freedom to mess with any female when he want? Im not sure what changed with us…or with him and jus need to kno how i should be with my feelings b4 i see him….wall back up i guess? Need help quick!!

Reply June 21, 2020, 8:30 am

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