Ask a Guy: How Do I Remain a Mystery? post image

Ask a Guy: How Do I Remain a Mystery?

I know that guys view life like a game. Their mind is very stimulated and if they beat the game at level 1 and discover all the hidden gems then they won’t be interested in the game anymore, they’ll move on to the next.

So how do you keep mystery when you are dating someone? When he asks questions about your life do you tell him everything? And when he asks about your plans are you descriptive ? How can you balance between being mysterious yet captivating?

Guys look at the world through the eyes of victory and defeat, this is true.

But all that junk about beating the game at level 1 and needing to maintain mystery is garbage. I don’t know where you heard it, but that kind of mindset will make you paranoid and make you do weird things.

Focus on the quality of time you guys spend together:

  • Do you like yourself when you’re with him?
  • Does he like himself when he’s with you?
  • Do you guys have a great time together?

Those are the questions you want to be asking yourself.

Honestly, women get swept up in this idea that she needs to create a voodoo spell to entrance a man just to get/keep a guy interested.

Meanwhile, the actual problem is that she and the guy don’t actually enjoy each others company at all to begin with. Not because either of them are bad people or inherently unattractive… but because they simply aren’t a match for one another.

If everyone were a match for one another, then there wouldn’t be cliques in high school and everyone would be friends with everyone, all the time. This isn’t the case.

Find someone who’s a good match for you. Someone who you love spending time with and loves spending time with you. No voodoo necessary.

Now… at the same time, there is something to be said for being “on target” with the part of the man that you’re speaking to…

I’ve seen women obsess over trivial things like when they should sleep with a guy and that sort of thing.  The real issue is whether or not you can reach a guy on a deep psychological level.

Everyone has walls up and a social “mask” that they wear to get by in the world.  It’s a necessity in today’s civilized world.

And everyone wants to talk about being “real” and not putting up a front, but the fact of the matter is that in today’s world EVERYONE (even the most obnoxious, honest or blunt people you know) has to have some filters and restraint in place to be a functional member of society.

Beyond that, men and women also have drives, urges and impulses within themselves that they have to suppress just to be able to carry on from day to day.

For men, their deepest fear is that they are powerless and insignificant in the world.  They fear that even their best would never be enough to “matter” in the world.

And even though a man’s greatest fulfillment comes from him pursuing his deepest goals, aspirations and “mission” in life, most men don’t actually pursue their goals in life because they get comfortable and don’t have the inspiration to…

When a woman is able to grow and mature to a point where she is no longer a slave to her own worries, insecurities and fears, then she can finally look past her own wants/desires/fears and see the man’s.

And this goes back to your question on maintaining mystery:  It’s not about maintaining mystery – it’s about maintaining a connection to what inspires and motivates HIM and then feeding that part of your man…

So how do you do that?  Well… you need to first become really curious about him…  Here’s a quick to-do list to get you started:

  • Ask him questions about what he would do if he absolutely couldn’t fail at it
  • Ask him what he’s always wanted to do or achieve in the world
  • Watch him closely and see what he is attracted to in subject matter (a man’s tastes reveal his hidden repressed wishes and desires… the way he wishes he could be)

See, you are asking about how to maintain mystery because you want the guy to be fascinated with you…

But nothing is more fascinating to a man than when you recognize his deepest psychological drives and then inspire him to live the life he’s always dreamt of.  Since the beginning of time, man has needed women to fill that inspiration for him to fulfill his potential.

Here are some examples on HOW you can do that:

  • If he feels like people around him don’t appreciate him, recognize how he contributes and how deeply appreciated he deserves to be…
  • If he feels that others perceive him as stupid, show him that you see a deep, special intelligence in him that impresses you…
  • If he aspires to be a successful business owner, tell him that you see a winner within him and that you know he could be a major success in the world…

Men want to be victorious in the world.  There is no greater joy to a man than feeling that his power has grown and that he’s “won” in the world.  When you believe in him and inspire him, you fill him with energy to perform.  When he follows-through on that energy and gets moving, he’ll feel on top of the world and more alive than ever.

And finally, when he finally does win, he’ll attribute the credit to you for being the amazing woman that inspired him.

The entire time, when you speak to THIS PART of the man, he will be fascinated the entire time.  No voodoo necessary – no smoky make-up, vague hints or hard-to-get BS required… just be on target with HOW you speak to the man and he will be deeply fascinated by you.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

P.S. Sign up for our Dating Decoder e-mail list to find out everything you’ve ever wanted to know about men!

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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what ive read
im pretty good at
but im dealing with someone who is a widower and felt he was grieving How do i compete
with that ?
we bothfelt like we were di lucky to find each other but his occassional down days are now full time as it wasnt faur to me or her

Reply February 4, 2022, 8:22 am


It has been a question raised, being tipped by many about being mysterious. You answer and explanation well answers and clarifies the mystery indeed. And in fact, make life so much better being more truthful, encouraging goodness, no games.

Reply April 19, 2019, 10:16 am


If more men communicated the way you do Eric, dating would be so much simpler. i hope I meet someone like you! Thank you for your great advice! I appreciate how clear and direct the information you provide is.

Reply January 2, 2016, 10:33 am


I like idea remain mystery to a guy. he would want know more about you. I open up right away i felt connection but he lost intrest this past year.. That what happened to me i realize after reading article. I i Slow down, stop texting him, and hes opening up to me again.

Reply December 28, 2015, 2:13 pm


It was 6 months ago not recent i stop texting him, or because he be on my back not text him certain hrs day blah blah…. i just stop no point. Finally hes opening up this past month. He knows im working fulltime now. Hes happy for me. His business picking up. In a way good we didn’t communicate til now. Hes initiate a it not me.

Reply December 28, 2015, 2:27 pm


I can see where eric coming from. I always compliment my guy friend hes starting open up to me now than before. His job finally doing well . So he has no time seeing me and myself finally found fulltime job. But hes communicating with me no matter how crazy it is.
Eric article will help alot of woman out. Thanks….

Reply December 28, 2015, 2:07 pm


I completely loved this! I almost thought it was going to be those responses saying you should not reveal this much info before so many months, don’t text back immediately, act busy yadayada….

This makes a whole lot of sense. I will use it, thank you!

Reply October 9, 2015, 5:39 am


My question is, say you been dating a man for 3 months is that a good sign that he let me meet his son after 3 month of dating?

Reply July 20, 2015, 4:48 pm


I love reading different kinds of articles from this website. It’s really amazing. I’m learning a lot in the short time I’m into this. The articles are really interesting and I love to understand man’s perspectives. I actually find the answers to my questions. Women are really different from men in terms of analyzing and dealing with relationship matters. I’m looking forward for more articles! :)

Reply May 13, 2015, 8:48 am


What is that girls name how to remain a myster for him she is awesome?

Reply April 22, 2015, 10:40 am


I really appreciate your articles Eric. It definitely gives great insight into the male perspective. I have learned a lot in the short time that I found you. The advice that you offer definitely makes you stop and think before you react and your reaction makes a huge difference in any and every situation.

Thank you and I look forward to reading and learning more.


Reply March 1, 2015, 2:08 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks Sherrie.

Reply March 1, 2015, 7:24 pm


You’re amazing …as ever!
Your article reminded me of …’Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else’ (Judy Garland)… so true!

Reply January 8, 2015, 1:47 pm


“Focus on the quality of time you guys spend together: Do you like yourself when your with him?”

Your needs to be you’re.

Reply November 17, 2014, 10:20 am

Eric Charles

Ahh lol… thank you!

Reply March 1, 2015, 7:24 pm


I am currently dating someone, have been for a month or two. I am making him chase me by not responding immeimmediately to texts calls etc but when I do thethey’re not blunt so he knows I’m not ignoring him as such ..he always asks to see me in the evening aftafter work & on the days that I have plans I obviously don’t change them & tell him I have plans, his response is “thats fine, come stay with me after” I say things like I can’t I havent got my stuff or its going to be a late one but he can be quite persistent, which is nice, &although what I say is excuses I’m beginning to run out of “excuses” but I guess if he backs off he wasn’t right for me anyway I just guess I don’t want to give him the impression im making excuses & not interested. Any advice? :)

Reply November 10, 2014, 12:17 pm


Very enlightening. I hope guys will also learn much from the article. A man has to look for a woman that could see through him and inspire him to be better. He will then never want to look for somebody else to be with.

Reply June 18, 2014, 5:37 am


I saw my ex with my nieghbor and its killing not to freak out every time I saw them..please need some advice..

Reply June 8, 2014, 8:47 pm


Beautiful article kudos on writing this it makes alot of sense now.

Reply May 22, 2014, 7:36 pm


A great article in the sense that it gives food for thought. not only for women. respect.

Reply May 7, 2014, 8:12 am

Eric Charles

Thanks, I appreciate that.

Reply May 7, 2014, 8:57 am


Awesome article, thanks so much, and also what does this mean exactly? could you explain this more please?


Watch him closely and see what he is attracted to in subject matter (a man’s tastes reveal his hidden repressed wishes and desires… the way he wishes he could be)

Reply April 4, 2014, 12:31 am


What happens when you do support your man, for example telling him stuffs like you believe he is good in his work etc but recieve no acknowledgement from him that it has helped him. I dont know whether my support has helped at all, or he continues to say negative things about himself. How should the girl then handle that?

Reply February 13, 2014, 2:07 am


This is a fantastic message! It speaks to the genuine need of men, and also speaks to the genuine desire, ability, and willingness of women to step back while assessing and communicating from this perspective. If women aren’t genuinely interested in the man through this channel, lens, angle, whatever you want to label it…then they probably aren’t as “into the man” as they think they are and find one they will desire to connect with. Thank you…again this is fantastic!

Reply January 15, 2014, 12:03 am


This article is my favorite one of all of yours. I feel some sort of empowerment because it all of a suddenly makes so much sense.

Reply December 15, 2013, 1:08 pm

Akesha Baron

Thanks Eric! This was a wonderful article. I’ve always heard that couples need mystery to stay attracted, too, but what you say makes even more sense. I have been with a guy over a year (perhaps on permanent “break” now…) who did not have the energy or vision to do what could make him a winner… Being with me was a big boost to him. I did see his specialness, but in the end got frustrated with his own lack of motivation to really do anything in the world that would matter to anyone besides the two of us and his children and children’s mom. Reading this makes me want to go cheer him on some more, since I know he has no one else doing that for him!

Reply November 29, 2013, 11:09 am


I have read a lot of articles here that infuriated me, because the advice they offered left the girl/woman usually vulnerable, and also powerless when things weren’t working to do anything but walk away and lose all the time and emotional, physical, and intellectual effort she’d invested into a relationship.

However …

This, by contrast, was one of the most empowering things for women, in a world that’s still skewed against us (don’t be fooled, ladies – until men pick up the slack with the housework and stop expecting us to look seventeen forever, feminism has only left us with more work to do and not less), that I’ve ever read on this site.

Thank you for it.

Reply September 24, 2013, 7:26 pm


best blog i have ever read…..

Reply September 24, 2013, 7:13 am

Ms Devine

What a great article thanks… This is finally allowing me to understand why my “we are not defined” other person keeps coming back. No, no I’m not in a bad situation at all, if anything I’m in a great position. He needs to come to grips why he keeps coming back, wanting me in his life. It’s amazing that we know what’s going on, they, as men, don’t… Hahahaha

Reply September 6, 2013, 8:36 am


I think this really helps after going with my bf for 4 years almost I understand y he does the things he guys are weird!lol.

Reply June 28, 2013, 4:03 am


I have read many of your articles and there are a lot of people who ask about how to get a guy to like them but not many who ask what to do afterwards when you are already dating. I actually met my boyfriend a couple years ago, then we lost contact, but he contacted me again at the beginning of the year. At the time I wasn’t sure about whether I wanted a relationship with anyone because I had recently broken up with someone who hadn’t been faithful. So at the time I tried to discourage him(my current bf) from writing me by not responding quickly, acting uninterested and things like that. Yet he kept writing me and was actually the one that was writing back really fast, telling me that he liked me and trying to move the relationship forward, while i was unsure and took forever to respond and well played very hard to get(was basically the guy in the relationship lol). Then all of a sudden I couldn’t wait to talk to him and started to like him a lot. He was the one who said that he loved me, first, and when he asked me I took a day to think about it before I said yes. I am a bit shy but when we started dating i became so much more comfortable and finally became the girlfriend in the relationship(who was able to be sweet back and express my emotions). We live in different cities but he would come up and would visit me and was always the perfect gentleman. He would always call me during the day and at night to tell me good night and text me too.
Then came the problem, he lost his job and went through a tough time for a couple weeks where he didn’t want to talk to anyone or text so I gave him time to get over it. Even though he would text me occasionally and apologize for being distant and tell me that he loved me, I didn’t badger him with “why arnt you” texts, which he appreciated and thanked me for. He did end up getting a new job but the one thing that hasn’t changed is the attention that he gives me. I used to get 2 sometimes 3 phone calls a day now i get that a week and those sweet texts i used to get all the time come a lot less. I know he still cares about me and loves me but how can i get him to pay more attention to me like he used to without annoying him? Also being a girl i don’t want to be the who calls and texts first most of the time. I am also a little worried that now that he knows he has me and is dating me that he thinks that doesn’t have to try any more or that I should just know how he feels. I would like to know what your personal thoughts about the situation are and what advice you would have for me??

Reply June 27, 2013, 11:19 pm


This is such great info I feel like I should be taking notes, pasting them to my bathroom mirror, and repeating it to myself everyday. I’ve read a lot of your blog and everything makes so much sense. I just got out of an 8 year relationship a couple months ago where the guy wouldn’t marry me and thanks to you I finally understand why. I was being much too needy and I’m sure he felt like I just wanted to get married and it wasn’t even about him. Thankfully he didn’t fall for it because he’s not right for me anyway. Well I just started dating again and had this awesome first date. Even after, the guy texted me and was saying cute things. Well I’m not sure where it went wrong but we were suppose to go out yesterday and he didn’t text me the whole day. I didn’t text him because I felt like I was liking him too much and wanted him to initiate the convo. So somewhere along the way he must have sensed the neediness. Your site is so awesome! I am going to recommend it to all my single girlfriends!

Reply June 21, 2013, 4:29 pm


OMG!!! I Jus tried this..this shit works! Eric U ARE THE MAN!!! LET ME STROKE UR EGO :) LOL i love this site i love u seriously my relation was going down hil ..this my 2nd relationship n i have no idea how this relation stuf works..and bloody hell this site..wel its got him to propose to me loool :: i love him but seriously u hav made me change my behaviour and thoughts im so much more confident n optamisitc now that i understand my guy..n i cant belive..all this stuf really works..i mean cmon..he wants to marry me :))))

Reply May 16, 2013, 10:38 pm


You are doing a wonderful service for us women- we need perspective and truth from a man who doesn’t have alterior motives, and you’re it! Your insight and specialty in reaching us is such a blessing. Thank you for all you do!

Reply March 2, 2013, 10:55 am


O my gosh! This is EXACTLY what I have been looking for! And joy , joy, joy, I GET it! Can’t wait to apply this to my man! Thank you!

Reply October 29, 2012, 1:18 am


I really like your advice in the mails and the blogs. I still like my ex , I dont understand how should i behave….I m hurt but i do still like him. After reading your articles , i started understanding many things…thanx.

Reply October 1, 2012, 7:54 am


This article has really enlightened me :) At the beginning, I was thinking to myself : ” Why does it have to do with his needs and wants? And what about mine ?” Then I realised that his needs as a man are completely to mine. It’s not about who will win the game or who gives more or who gives less – the man or the woman. It’s about how to make and keep each other happy by having fulfilling lives !! Thank you for this great article :)

Reply September 19, 2012, 3:19 pm


This article leaves me in awe, Eric. My boyfriend has been going through an insanely difficult time concerning basically his entire career; all of your articles are excellent and reading these have been enormously insightful to me. This one I like the most though. I’ve actually already been trying to do these things you suggested fairly regularly and I saw the huuge appreciation he had because of it. I think I’m really understanding now why these things are so important to him as a man. We have needs of different values to both of us and I think we’re both learning what each other needs. Thanks for writing so crazy-open and honestly. I just like this stuff, you’re awesome dude. Helpful to no end you’ve been :)

Reply September 3, 2012, 11:25 pm


i am dating this guy who says he isn’t looking for a relationship now. i decode that as, i’m just not that into you. but i want to be the exception and change his mind! help!

Reply August 23, 2012, 9:54 pm


What about a man, whom you love and became physical, he told you in a joking way that he love you, stares at you all the time but doesnt’ call. A friend stated to me “I heard you were going to be the next “Mrs.–.Then he just disappearings. He stated that he never stop
liking you, he feels good when he is with me,. When we first started he stated not to give up on him. All of these statements where said over a yr. I met majority of his family. When out at the same place he will introduce me to a family member. He lost his wife about 3 -4 yrs ago after 25 yrs and 6 kids, Lost his kid. Introduce me to his girls as their next mother early in relationship. He did tell me he was not ready for a relationship. What am I to do? I see other guys, even sleep with another. He knows other guy are attracted to me. He also knows that he’s the guy that a slept with in our small hometime. This is true. Did I gave him to much controll. I believe he loves me and I do try to trigger the emotions and make him feel like a man. He use to hollar like tarzan whenever I was around. I give him his space. I don’t call him. He use to tell me about other girls that he dated since me. If I over to his house he remodel he has furnture like mind, same colors. He will listen to vmsgs whereas I can hear. If he returns calls to girls, I hear his side of the conversation. I love him. What advise. I like what you have to say and the way you say it. I am a strong, independent women with a higher degree. He use to be a fireaman. He share personnel secerts that a lot of people doesnt know. He trust me.

Reply June 19, 2012, 10:16 am


God! Please relax, calm down and type your comment lowly. I could feel like you were out of breath by talking too fast and non stop. It’s so hard to understanding some of your sentences. Next time try to proofread at least one time before you hit the submit button too.

Reply August 2, 2014, 2:34 am


Simply the best advice I’ve read so far today! And I don’t usually leave a comment when I read some articles online. Now I just did =)

Reply May 23, 2012, 1:29 pm


Dayum, that was deep.

Reply April 4, 2012, 9:56 pm

Molly Liebs

Hello so I have been in a long distence relationship for a few months now, as well as for the next few months and I will be I would like to know the best way to keep us both sane as well as the spark alive through out this time. My worst fear in a relationship is it fading off when you least expect it. I understand it is healthy to do this because it is the best way we can get to know eachother better, but I have discovered with doing this in the past men get a bit funny when having to commite through long distance. I trust him all the way but know how it is with guys. I wanted to get some advice. Thank you

Reply March 31, 2012, 5:51 pm


Hi, I think I knw my answer so I’ll change it a bit to get more clarity! I’m seeing sumone its almost 2 months but all signals r mixed and nothing what I want! I like him a lot and we have fun but I knw we can’t be more! However sEing that I’ll b 28 soon should I rather stop the “se8” relationship or try to let him see more of me?

Reply March 29, 2012, 9:05 am


U are d best Eric. Beliv it or not, u have to love to b loved in return. So stop talkn abt what u want n start givin.

Reply March 29, 2012, 8:35 am


Wow! Just loved this advice! Thank you! Can’t wait to put it in practice! :-)

Reply March 22, 2012, 9:07 am


This is great advice. One of my exes still, after years of breaking up, calls me from time to time to ask for advice because I always supported him and made him feel like he could do anything he wanted.

Thank you Eric for contributing to make the world a better place by helping women to be more secure and brave.

Reply March 20, 2012, 1:49 pm

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