Ask A Guy: My Boyfriend Watches Porn post image

Ask A Guy: My Boyfriend Watches Porn


What’s the deal with guys and porn?  My boyfriend and I have been together for a year.

I get that guys watch porn I guess, I will never understand it, but I’ve grown to accept it.

But how much is too much? Is there such a thing? I’m not going to lie, it does make me uncomfortable.

(Note: I have edited this post over time, as my opinion has evolved as society, the internet and porn itself has changed. Please allow me the space to express my full opinion before jumping to any conclusions. I wanted to preserve many points that were made here while also adding greater context or an outright new outlook on what is covered in this response.)

When you get down to it, you have to realize that men are biologically different than women, as is what they respond to sexually.  What men respond to and what women respond to is massively different.  I’m not saying there’s no overlap, but it’s more different than it is similar.

There’s all sorts of evidence for this – I mean, for one, look at porn consumption.  Around 2009, my general sentiment was that men watch porn, women read it (romance novels and “Fifty Shades of Grey” could be classified as a type of female porn.)

Men and women are turned on by different things because of how we’re wired by nature.  We never chose it and neither did women.

So when you say that you don’t understand why guys watch porn, well, that makes sense.  Clearly men and women have different internal responses in the realm of sexuality.

Now, with regards to the porn itself and your relationship, I want to cover two different questions: 1) Is porn a red flag in the relationship? And then, 2) Does a guy watching porn hurt the relationship?

We’ll cover the “red flag” aspect of men watching porn while in a relationship first.

When women ask me questions about men and porn, what they’re really asking is, “Is he looking at porn because I’m not enough?” or “Does his porn habit mean that I don’t turn him on anymore?” or “Is his interest in porn a sign that he isn’t satisfied in the relationship?”

At the core, the reason women ask me about men and porn is because they want to know if it’s a red flag about his feelings for her.

So here’s a few things to consider…

First off (this might sound a bit crude), men have to get the poison out.  I’m not saying a guy has to have sex, but if he doesn’t ejaculate after a certain amount of time, his body will do it for him.  That’s what a wet dream is – you’ve got so much man-batter in you that you ejaculate in your sleep.

I can’t speak for a woman’s experience, but nature has instilled men with an insatiable urge for sexual release.  One “load” from a guy has enough sperm to impregnate a country’s worth of women and men are “ready to fire” at least once a day…

If he’s got a good amount of testosterone going through his system, his level of sexual desire is much higher than the average guy.  Diet, muscle mass, heavy weightlifting, etc. are all factors that contribute to higher testosterone and, simply, the higher the testosterone levels, the higher the sex drive and need to “release”.

On one hand the ever-present desire for sex and sexual release can be pleasurable, but on the other hand it’s inconvenient and uncomfortable.  Then add a layer of the shaming our society likes to put around sexuality and you can understand why men run to their private porn retreat… they want relief from the throbbing, relentless biological cravings.

When a woman really realizes the biological burden (and secondary social-shame burden) men walk around with, you can understand that a man’s sexuality is something he has to deal with and take care of frequently.  It has nothing to do with love… or his feelings for you… or the quality of your relationship…

… and it has everything to do with his own personal biology.

If you’ve read other things I’ve written, you’ve seen me say that for a man, love and sex are two totally separate worlds in a man’s mind.  If you are concerned about the state of your relationship, then look at how he’s relating to you, not his porn consumption.

Let’s talk now about porn itself and whether or not it’s hurting the relationship.

As I mentioned earlier, my view of porn has evolved since my original writing of this article about porn itself and its effect on a relationship.

A comment that has been made is that masturbation can be considered natural, whereas porn is not natural.

With each passing year, there is an ever increasing amount of research that shows the negative effect that porn has on the brain and the body. There are people who have devoted their entire careers to talking about the adverse mental, physical and psychological effects of porn, so I am not going to attempt to do that here as there are others who have done a far better job than I would.

I would name a few of the negative effects of porn on men here, including (but not limited to) erectile dysfunction, lower testosterone, depression, lower motivation and the inability to be sexually stimulated without porn.

So if you were to ask me if a guy watching porn hurts the relationship, I would answer yes because it weakens the man and diverts energy that could be going towards improving the relationship.

Quite frankly, couples do better when their sexual energy is directed towards having good sex with each other. Good sex within a relationship does much more than just serve as momentary pleasure.

Unfortunately, that’s not how sex is portrayed in our current culture. Sex is very psychologically powerful, but it is portrayed in public forums (media, social media, memes, etc.) in a very casual way.

Porn itself is beyond abundant on the internet, in varieties beyond what you could even imagine exist. So with the casual attitude we as a society currently have towards sex and the abundance of porn, I don’t think men release the harm that porn can cause to their mind, body and psyche.

People generally understand that fast food is unhealthy and, if you eat too much of it, you’ll have all sorts of health problems (with getting fat being just one problem among many).

People don’t have the same attitude towards porn that they have towards fast food.

In fact, I would admit that a decade ago, I felt that people who were against porn were just stuffy, boring people who didn’t want anyone to have any fun. Then again, this was an era before everyone was walking around with a high resolution, high-speed porn downloading device in their pocket at all times… and more porn than a person could watch in 1000 lifetimes.

A little porn won’t destroy a relationship, just like a little fast food won’t make an otherwise very fit person obese. However, if fast food or porn weaken a person and implant cravings towards consuming more of the junk, then the discussion is less about how much a guy is consuming and more about what direction that person is headed… and will they consume an ever-increasing amount or will they recognize that it’s degrading the quality of their life and cut it out.

To say it succinctly: Porn is bad similar to the way that junk food is bad.

In a relationship where a guy is watching porn or eating junk food, the hope is that they can recognize how it hurts them and hurts the relationship.

As a partner, the hope is that you can find a way to compassionately understand that porn is an industry (just like fast food) whose very financial survival depends on exploiting human weakness for their own profits… and that there’s room for sympathy towards the men who are consuming it.

I bring up having sympathy towards men consuming porn because it’s not going to persuade a guy to stop watching porn if he’s met with blaming, shaming and condemnation. Looking at the situation from a place of sympathy and compassion is a much better way to view the situation and see how the subject can be discussed from a place of love and partnership.

In a loving relationship, it’s easier for a man to see porn as something he wants to give up if he views it as something that isn’t worth the greater cost to his health, his relationship and the quality of his life in general. This realization can be brought about through love, understanding and compassion, whereas being blamed, attacked or judged will likely put the guy on the defensive on the subject and sow resentment on both sides.

As a final note on porn, relationships and sex:

Sex is powerful. Unfortunately, in this day and age, you are on your own to view sex in a healthy way within your relationship and life in general. Popular culture, social media and media is not going to give you a view of sex that will lead to happiness, success or a functional lifestyle.

Then again, our culture and media won’t give you a healthy view on anything important: money, success, sex, love, commitment, family, etc. All of the most important parts of life are trivialized in popular culture with shallow, cynical punchlines, then the focus is brought back to encouraging people to chase a never-ending carousel of empty pleasure, selfish attention and impotent complaining.

We live in an environment that runs counter to what will bring us peace, fulfillment and well-being. It is up to you to figure out what will lead to a functional, successful and happy life and unfortunately that virtually guarantees that you’ll have to reject a lot of what is portrayed as normal or popular in today’s culture.

We are forced to and if we want our relationships to work, we must do our best to support our partner in surviving within the current age. Now is not the time to blame or condemn others, especially our partners. We must find a way to communicate and reach each other through love and sober, peaceful expression.

Despite the warped view our current society has on sex, I would say that having good sex is important in your relationship, but not in the way it’s portrayed in Hollywood or music. Having good sex has many great benefits to a relationship, so it makes sense to value good sex and support good sex within your relationship.

Being in good shape is part of good sex, so I encourage men and women to live a healthy lifestyle with exercise and fitness.  Not just for the aesthetic elements like looking more attractive and “hotter” sexually, but also because it will make both of you feel more confident, happier and more energetic.

Good relationships have all sorts of outside factors working against them, so in today’s world we need to have an almost heroic mindset towards having a good relationship. We have to view our partner with compassion and understanding that they, too, are living in a world with negative forces, structures and factors pulling against them and exploiting their humanity in innumerable ways.

If the subject of your partner watching porn makes you uncomfortable, I can understand that. With all of this said, my only hope is that if you bring it up as a subject with him, you can have that discussion from a place of love and compassion, not condemnation, and see porn as something that steals from him, not as something you resent him for looking at.

Good luck and hope it helps,

eric charles

37 comments… add one

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April

First let me say 2 things one THANK YOU Eric I understand a lot more & I’m on my 2nd marriage. The 1st for 18 years to a man who is still one of my very best friends. #2 I like pork my own self & I have enjoyed self gratification since my preteens. I developed early I was never abused in any way but sex was not a shameful thing in our home. I came from a long line of male & females who were not ashamed of the natural way GOD intended us to be. However I am now 44 & my 2nd husband is much younger & seems to watch porn more alone than with me. So of course I have been struggling with thoughts in my own head about my own sexuality & his desire for me. Pretty much everything you covered. Although my marriage nor sex life seem to be effected by my husbands…. don’t want to call that addiction because some days he’ll watch it for five minutes some days for 30 and yes I know this because I’m able to see what he watches online even with his phone he says that occasionally he does masturbate to it before we have sex so that he can last longer in the bedroom but there are times when we don’t have sex no I seem to understand a little bit better what is going on because he does have a high sex drive and our sex life is not affected in anyway and he has not had any loss of erection long as we’ve been together. he continues to dote on whether I’m gratified before his own release. Only after reading your article above did some of my questions finally get answered. I should probably add he is muscular & works out he has never had a problem with back to back sex. I believe I just happen to have a young buck….stallion on my hands. I wish the rest of you the best & hope that my story stays the same & im not back with more concerning questions later ❤️

Reply March 28, 2019, 12:26 pm

miranda

you dont need porn to get the poison out. masturbation is natural porn is not

Reply December 31, 2017, 7:24 pm

Ann Marie

My boyfriend has been cheating in me for years. This past months I found a porn video and it didnt bother me until I realized it was my boyfriend. Hes on probation and required to wear a ankle bracelst SCRAM, and it was seen, not to mention Im not only his girlfriend, but a friend to the obesit woman on the video. I knew he was into sex but I became cautious with him and He started to show more signs of cheating. More videos, the more I told him the more videos and info on my phone got erased. This last time he git his income taxes and just left my 3year old daughter and I. I knew he was seeing somebody, and was goin to leave us.We got back together one night nd I have been searching for my proof. That night I found a video 2 vudeos of another lady he still messes withhaving sex on one f the days he was gone. The other didnt show a date, but of a young girl who I seen her profile picture, and my boyfriend and her having sex. My heart stopped. OMG! That was her. To this day t kills me. This girl and him have been liking in to my phone and made my life hell. Ive changed my number, My accounts passwords have been changef, I ve been blocked from my own phone and internet because they dont want me seeing their dirty laundry. This girl looks very very young. Im like scared to find out the truth. She also says shes pregnant.A young Native American girl. My Excboyfriend I gursd has blocked my daughter and I out of his lifr, family, work and Im just hurt that he hasnt shown no interedt in my daughter or a futre fir us. so as much as it hurts I gitta split. To answer the cheating video. They’ll cheat once its bound to happen again. who knows maybe not. Porn is cry for sexual attention. If so I guess I failed him. I lnew he prefer it not be me, his deal is he makes love to me and theyre just the pleasure. still how is that suppose to make me happy?

Reply March 19, 2017, 9:20 am

Alice

Ok so I don’t disagree with what the article says about that men just have this need to get a release everyday and it’s not all about you but what about in a situation like mine?
My husband watches porn and I have never minded before. If I have accidently stumbled upon something he was looking at I would ignore it or joke about it eith

Reply January 26, 2017, 12:14 pm

s

Brilliant and well said “Bam”. I have been making this exact argument for ages.

Reply January 19, 2017, 6:24 pm

Brigitte

My boyfriend and I have been having sex every day and I went through his phone and saw he was watching porn everyday I had asked him and he denied it I’m I not good enough or something?

Reply November 27, 2016, 1:49 am

Sue

Ok, I;m really not getting whats going on! EVERY TIME I go out he watches porn and masturbates..I don’t want to go out anymore, for me it feels like he is cheating..this morning we had good sex, I was gone for the day, and he had watched porn and jerked off! How can this be normal..for me I’m starting to think he would rather look at the hot tight girls then, me and I;m really starting to feel insecure in front of him…it was never like this before the internet! he is over 50..and we have sex 5 times a week, and the sex is good, well now I;m starting to doubt it is, if he needs this ! just not understanding!

Reply November 7, 2016, 3:53 pm

Donna

I rarely reply to something like this but jimmys email broke my heart. As much as I feel so bad for her, it is Women like her that allow it to continue, that stay with these losers because they” love them”, and then write on here saying they cry all the time and it hurts so bad. When all she has to do is forbid it. Go find a guy that has no interest in porn, and there are many. Raise your standards, expect more from yourself. Guys who watch porn will never be real men. I have been with my husband for many years, has never had any iterest in porn, none of the men in my family ever watched porn and some are single. Leave him right away and find a real man. Anyone that even thinks or looks at another woman sexually when he is supposed to love you, does not respect or value you enough and is a an immediate deal breaker. Porn is not a need, it’s is a selfish want. Please ladies, raise your standards and find a man, not a little boy in a mans body. You all must really hate yourselves to allow this and justify it as not cheating. I feel plain pity for you. These guys do not love you and you are just fooling yourselves. They are little teenagers who have never grown up.

Reply October 5, 2016, 5:27 am

Jimmie hardin

My boyfriend watches porn. Sometimes its everyday, sometimes its every other day. And honestly it breaks my heart every single time.
I invaded his privacy once, and found porn. I confronted him. I didn’t feel like I was attcking him, I just wanted to talk about it, I just wanted to know why? I thought It was me. I thought I wasnt enough. He sat down after blowing up and talked to me and said it wasn’t me. For a few weeks he didn’t take his phone or tablet to the bathroom with him. And I felt better. But now its four months later and he’s still watching porn every day.
So I’m choosing to accept it bc he’s not out everynight, he’s there when I need him, he loves me and doesn’t have a problem showing it, bc we do have a great sex life, and bc he is my best friend. So he watches porn, and no I will never understand, and yes it hurts. But that’s the only problem I have. Thats it.
Having incite to a man point of view helped. I only wish I knew how to tell my boyfriend that, yes I know, no I don’t understand, and yes I hate it and I cry everytime he takes a shower, but I’m just going to accept it.

Reply September 21, 2016, 10:59 am

Donna

Please read my reply and leave this jerk. You are better than this.

Reply October 5, 2016, 5:33 am

Donna

And stop justifying it by saying he is not out every night. He is not supposed to be out every night. He doesn’t get a gold star for that. I feel bad for you and so angry at women like you and others on here that settle for trash that no one else wanted and you think you can’t do any better by accepting it. Jimmie, this is pitiful. And then you all wonder why these loser jerks who don’t value or respect you, continue to watch porn. Because you allow it!!.

Reply October 5, 2016, 5:39 am

Like to leave no name thanks

See I have an issue with porn in the regards of it messes with (some Not all) guys heads royally and I know this as I lost someone I cared about deeply because they had watched porn that gave them seriously messed up ideas on what was acceptable to do to a woman in the flesh we are talking things here like mind breaking hard core rape etc so whilst some guys can watch porn with no ill effects some guys can not and it hurts not only them but the ones they love

Reply October 14, 2015, 2:14 am

Eric Charles

That’s terrible and I’m truly sorry to hear that.

Saying a guy watches porn is like saying a guy reads books — there’s a vast vast vast selection of what he’s viewing… and (with all due respect) I think that the selection of what a person chooses to watch suggests there may have been something underlying beforehand.

We have violent movies, violent video games, violent TV shows… and these are watched by millions… millions that do not view it as something to even remotely consider acting out in real life.

Me personally? I don’t even watch horror movies because there’s no part of me that wants to see that or think about that. No satisfaction or pleasure comes to me through that and when people say they want to watch a horror movie with me, I say no thanks… why? Because I have a choice and I’m not interested.

This guy had a choice and he was interested… so interested, apparently, that he decided to act it out… and was punished accordingly. I don’t see this as any different than a person who watches violent movies and then does something violent… and blames the movies for making him do it.

It’s horrible, it’s sad, it’s tragic — but I think people need to be responsible for their actions and not blame entertainment they chose to watch.

Reply October 14, 2015, 9:15 pm

Melissa

so I’m very open minded and very experienced in bed (very good at it) I love being kinky and I’m down for what ever… I don’t mind watching porn with him but when it becomes every single time we have sex we “have to watch porn” then he’s more focused on the tv than me it becomes very annoying what do I do

Reply August 12, 2015, 3:56 am

sallie

A few months ago, my boyfriends brothers girlfriend had found porn on the computer ib their living room. His girlfriend and his brother had a massive argument about it however his brother was in complete denial. Then only yesterday i found porn on the computer this time. I spoke to my boyfriend asking if it was him he said no it was his brother, he then was joking around saying how looks at a hamsters porn website. I felt relived but i was edgy because he was too and i knew he was telling a lie. Then 10 mins later i went on his phone, i saw the exactly same thing. ‘busty’ ‘hot teenagers’ with a load of other things. I felt so hurt that he lied to me and i still do now. The fact that he obviously looked at them and felt it wasn’t good enough so he went in the computer to get a closer look. I feel so ugly, now he looked up hot teenagers and other things like hard blowjobs. I know there is nothing i can do now because he will carry on i wont be able to for fill him, he will be thinking of them or suggesting other ways to do it like those other girls. He said his cousin looked at them however his cousin didn’t have his phone and he wasn’t there at that time. He then said it was an advert but since its been googled searched i know hes lying. He always says why are you looking at them for? When in honestly not. He gets paranoid whenever we go outside. Just knowing hes done this seeing girls naked, when he would have a go at me for looking at boys with clothes on however i don’t. I feel like the relationship was based on lies and he was looking at other girls along because he knows he can get some one more attractive and would be prepared to do anything for him. I feel a massive part of trust has been lost and he is willing to trust. However afterwards he was really upset and said he didn’t want to lose me. But now i will never know if he does it again because he will be more careful looking it up. What shall i do?

Reply October 30, 2014, 4:06 am

Spanglish

1. STOP basing your happiness on someone else. Your man is there to be your companion in life – not to fulfill your every need for happiness. Even if he tries hard 24 hours a day he cannot fulfill you. ONLY YOU CAN FULFILL YOU. Get a hobby just for you and excel at it. Take care of yourself for YOU. Start exercising, doing your hair every day and dressing attractively FOR YOU. Don’t worry what he thinks about it. Trust me, the first day you doll yourself up and adopt a miss independent attitude, he won’t know what hit him. Start trying to understand what YOU need to be happy.
2. Men are visual. Period. I have talked to a number of guys about this and they all to a number say the same thing. Porn is entertainment. It is like the most fun, juicy movie they could ever see and it’s free. They are not contacting porn stars and they don’t want you to look or act like one. The only thing I can liken it to is online shopping for women. Think of an item you really like, makeup, clothes, jewelry. Whatever that item is it’s really attractive to you isn’t it. You could browse 16 hours a day on makeup blogs and websites. You would do it for a job if you could. Porn is literally like that for men. He is a little boy in a candy store.
3. STOP worrying about other people’s body parts. The size, shape, what they will do or won’t do. It is ANIMALS doing what ANIMALS do. DO NOT base your self worth on what ANIMALS are doing with two bags of fat and a hard muscle. Sex is an animal instinct. It is not morally tied to anything. It is not shameful and it is not bad. It’s frigging FUN.
4. STOP trying to police, check and mother away the porn. Leave his privacy alone. Worry about HOW HE TREATS YOU and how much time he puts into the relationship with you. If he is doing nothing to make the relationship good that means you will end up unfulfilled anyway and just move on.
5. If you think you’re going to find a man who does not watch porn, good luck. They ALL do. I suppose there are some tibetan monks and hari krishna types out there who don’t but do you really want an effeminate man in robes?? Aside from that, all the dudes in church, all the guys at the charity dinner, all the school teachers of the year would refuse to hand you their phone if you asked to check the history on their browser. You have to come to terms with this. If you don’t you will constantly be seeking happiness from outside yourself.
6. You can’t stop a liar and a cheater. Masturbation is a rightful part of anyone’s PRIVATE life. It is none of your business. But the guy who moves into hookup sites or chat rooms or contacting girls is a CHEATER and that is a deal breaker. If he is doing that he has no personal character and will drag you down into his lies. Ask him point blank if he is doing this, gauge his answer and get away from him if you find evidence that he is.
7. Flat out ASK your boyfriend if he is looking for something else so that you can move on. Tell him you’ve seen the types he is looking at and you don’t fit the bill. Tell him if he is looking for something else to tell you so that you can go find someone who is truly interested in a life with you.

Reply December 2, 2015, 6:10 pm

Julie Williams

And so is a woman getting attention. That is what porn is truly about on the other side!

Reply August 1, 2016, 11:03 pm

Jennifer

So, if a guy has all the opportunity in the world to have sex with his wife after she gets off work, but Would rather watch porn and jack off all day is okay? Because his body ‘needs’ ro ejaculate…

Reply December 17, 2013, 5:33 pm

Eric Charles

Lol… Do you honestly think that’s what I’m saying here?

Reply December 17, 2013, 10:18 pm

Cath

Biologically, wouldn’t it be much more evolutionary to have sex than masturbate to porn? I understand the need to ejaculate once per day however, and am all for masturbation if necessary but I’m actually pretty anti-porn due to the effects it has on the brain and the view of women that it creates for men. Also sex slavery really worries me. What if your daughter or sister got stolen for the sex trade and men masturbated to it. I know that’s far fetched and doesn’t happen all the time, and I know that there is decent porn out there, where the actors and actresses truly enjoy it. But watching porn is such a gamble, it can be so addictive and relationship-ruining. And for what point? Why can’t you just masturbate using your own imagination and just completely feel and listen to your body? We shouldn’t need visual stimulation. Have you ever tried not watching porn?

I understand that some man can watch porn occasionally without getting too deep into the trap, or down too many weird paths however it can be addictive and detrimental. My partner had started watching genres of porn that he thought were disgusting 5 years ago which is why he decided to give it up. Sometimes after we have sex my boyfriend masturbates as well but he is normally OK with one ejaculation per day. If we are unable to have sex I completely understand if he needs to masturbate, but what’s the point of porn? He has gone without porn for nearly 6 months and he says he feels great (after watching porn sometimes 3 times per day, causing him to be unable to have sex). He still craves it though, which makes me really curious into the effects of porn.
I’m trying to be open minded and not too anti-porn, and I understand that there is no need to get jealous or insecure but I do wish everyone would at least try giving it up and just masturbating naturally.

Reply February 9, 2015, 7:53 pm

Girafa Ponkan

“Just like if someone can’t stop eating too much, or drinking too much alcohol, if it gets in the way of your relationships. Is it really worth it?”
That’s the bottom line. If it’s hurting someone, do something about it! I watch it, and if this or any of my habits became a problem I’m sure I would adress it! (Btw I’m a girl)

Reply March 31, 2015, 10:47 am

Sapphyreopal5

Am I the only woman who can relate to men in this fashion (or at least understand)? If you ask me, porn isn’t a problem unless:
– it’s interfering with your sexual life (or even replacing it almost if not all the way) or other aspects of your relationship (and no personal insecurities don’t count here as they are YOUR insecurities afterall)
– he expects you to look and act like the porn stars he sees in the videos. Chances are, he knows porn is more fantasy and nothing more or less
– he is sexting other women and/or is getting pornography from women via email, text messaging, etc.
– he actually has pornographic images, videos, etc. stored on his computer of women he actually knows (yes I’ve had this happen to me in the past)
– he is watching it in front of you or when you are in another room and is aware of how uncomfortable it makes you feel (now that is just being disrespectful)

If you ask me, it’s not just about sexual biology but just how the human biology works generally speaking. Humans naturally want to get the most out of their efforts. People want to make as little effort as possible and get the maximum amount of pleasure they can from this (goes for food, sex, exercise, etc.). This applies to pornography and masturbating to it. Sometimes masturbating to pornography means that: you are making the effort to please just yourself, touching yourself the way you like it, and then orgasming all for a lot less effort.

Do you really expect you and your significant other or whatever you want to call your business with someone else to be on the same page sexually forever and on a regular basis? It’s literally almost impossible to have sex with someone each and every single time they are horny. If you are at work, if you are on a business trip or some other personal trip elsewhere, or are otherwise busy doing something else and your lover isn’t closeby and you happen to be horny, do you REALLY expect them to come to you (or you go to them) for a booty call? Come on now. Pornography is sometimes just that: a temporary substitute.

Let him enjoy his pornography or heck, why not JOIN in while he’s watching and tell him you’d like him to do some of those things to you should you like what you see? Come on, don’t let a woman who is clearly inaccessible intimidate you; show him what he is missing out on should you catch him in the act. Or if you want to be daring, make some porn just for him; I mean, what man wouldn’t LOVE watching his woman masturbate while shouting his name in pleasure or seeing sexy pictures of his lover (should be done with discretion of course if you go this route)?

All should of course be done within REASON:)

Reply July 30, 2013, 10:27 pm

CK

I do agree with you as well so no you are not the only one feeling this!!! I once was that girl…. the one who complained until I’ve learned better porn is no problem in most cases some women are offended because some feel I already know and cant be taught what I already know, listen everybody learn something new daily, rather then complained then learned to roll play just like they do in the porn video, it can be fun try it and don’t knock it until you have tried it, just do your own style I didn’t like porn at first but thanks to a lot of them saved me from looking like an a**, watching with him gave me enough to learned him I did what I’ve seen and he laugh at me and said I see someone being paying some attention and afterwards gave it to me good, we been having fun every since, then one day I ask him if he loved me then all hell broke lose ( on my beliefs ) because I was the one who was upset because he wouldn’t answer the ? now he never he did or he didn’t I got upset with him even thought of walking out on him, because I loved him so much and deep down I knew he loved me as well, the part I couldn’t get is why he couldn’t tell me he love me ( I seek help and I found Eric Charles that explained to me about men) here I am responding to your answer in the book described all the things he was doing as well to the t, when I read that I thought of our previous arguments he also said im not making you happy any more I don’t get it you get the best of my world I work over time trying to please you and make you happy you are the only girl im talking to obviously when I important gigs who’s there u, when I took a two weeks vacation who did I spend that with u, hey no one else is there but u, why are you so mad at me. because u wouldn’t say I love you verbally, after reading Eric Charles and Sabrina book it opened my eyes up wide he does loves me he just shows rather then says it now we back to where they relationship should be in fact we getting married in June 2014

Reply October 31, 2013, 9:39 am

Girafa Ponkan

Yeah, you have to have a real motive, and not just because you don’t like it! Loved your comment! :)

Reply March 31, 2015, 10:50 am

Tanya

But why would a guy choose porn over a real woman? I would love to have sex several times a day or at least once a day. But if my boyfriend rejects me & only will have sex with me once a week or once every two weeks, how can he justify looking at porn when I’m more than willing to have sex? That is something I can’t understand.

Reply May 27, 2013, 6:48 am

A

I have the same problem. It sucks. I always want it, he rejects and watches porn when I go to sleep. I’m thin fit, we get along good otherwise, I don’t understand! Wish we could get an answer on that one! It’s so bs the double standards men think they can get away with.. Guess what.. If I don’t have sex for a few days i will have an orgasm in my sleep.. But I don’t masturbate.. Ever. Why? That 1% chance I MIGHT get laid, I would rather have a sex orgasm. So.

Reply June 8, 2013, 4:20 pm

farah

Ladies I am married (have been for 3 years this July) we were dating for 5 years before that and have recently found that sloopy c**k su**ers does it for him its so gross I hate it. I too could have sex a couple times a day but he always says he’s tired. If hes too tired and not sexual with me really he shouldnt be looking at porn then. Our sex life has gone down since marriage so I thought he’s just not sexual anymore boy was I wrong. I dont understand if they have a wife or gf why the porn???

Reply July 10, 2013, 6:32 am

Girafa Ponkan

If I were you I would read Sapphyreopal5’s comments. For me the bottom line is: it’s not a problem until it affects his life, or yours. And it is affecting. If you want more frequency and you are not getting it (and you are sure it’s because of porn and there are no other reason) then I feel you need to do something about it.

Reply March 31, 2015, 10:54 am

Anonymous

Hi. I recently had this conversation with my boyfriend of nearly three years. I found porn left up on his PHONE, so random, and immediately confronted him about it. He stated that “all guys did it” and if he didn’t masturbate he would be irritable all the time, lash out, etc…

First of all, I think using the male population as an excuse is weak. Basically it’s the “if everyone jumped off a bridge would you?” fiasco. I told him it made me feel not good enough, like I wasn’t pleasing him sexually, and that, in my opinion, it wasn’t much different from a woman sending him nude photos (how is this any different?). He said that it had become a habit but that he could see it hurt me. We were around each other often and had sex once, sometimes twice a day… Yet he still needed his porn fix.

He said he would stop watching it because he didn’t want to hurt me and because we had sex often. He said that he didn’t need it when I was around. I was pleased by this, it made me feel important, and time went on quietly.

Then, I came over unexpectedly one night after a fight with my roommate and came into his room. I’d left my laptop at home so I asked if I could use his. He started acting all nervous which I thought was weird but I didn’t comment on it and started getting into my email. He then proceeded to grab his computer while rattling off that he needed to check something, and I looked at the screen seconds before he deleted the history. Uh… He admitted to watching more porn a few HOURS after we’d had sex. He was apologetic but said that breaking the habit was hard. I was hurt again but didn’t comment further and just said, “okay.” He promisd to try and stop, broke that promise, and now I hate porn so much more.

What possible gratification does porn provide a couple of hours of having real sex with a real woman? I’m adorable, beautiful, if a bit socially awkward (which supposedly adds to my humor and attractiveness), we enjoy our sexual loves, they are healthy and virtuous. So what? What am I not giving him? He is ejaculating every day, he is getting the sex he wants, so what gives?

For the record, I never told him to stop watching porn. He came to that conclusion all on his own. He was the one who said “you’re more important than these porn stars.” He’s the one who initiated stopping masturbating, at least while we’re in close proximity to each other. So why does he feel the need to still do it with all of these factors in place?

Thanks for listening and please respond. I would really appreciate some insight.

<3

Reply May 11, 2013, 12:37 pm

a

I dont get why he needs it atleast he admitted it, my husband told me they links were pop ups and cookies and maybe I pressed something I was so hurt, confused and upset and more so because I always want sex and he doesnt.

Apparently they all do it its like a guilty pleasure but I like you hate it and think its so wrong especially as we are now married. I didn’t even think to ask him cause I assumed since he met me 8 years ago he doesnt need to look at that rubbish! It made my stomach turn looking at those ugly skanks and the hardcore sex videos. GROSS!

Hang in there I’m told they all do it even at 54!

Reply July 10, 2013, 6:39 am

Eric Charles

First off, people these days are so quick to diagnose everyone with a disorder. Maybe instead of being a sex addict he’s just… a guy… or not that into the girl he’s with… or simply, an asshole.

Further, girls look at porn, but if I were to make a pie chart of who looks at porn, the pie chart would be a huuuuuuge portion devoted to men and a teeny tiny sliver devoted to women.

It’s not sexist. It’s called looking at stats. Pull up the web stats for popular open community porn sites (where anyone can upload a video). The audience is massively male.

That’s not sexist. That’s just reading statistical evidence.

Reply March 11, 2013, 2:03 am

shana

This is a topic I am extremely interested in. I’ve read other stats that suggest a lot more women are looking at porn. I myself enjoy it, however, if you look at the market itself it is dominated by males and the product is women. There is a a huge lack in straight male centric porn for women. I only know one site that has male model category and even so, they are mostly gay. Even though I enjoy porn I’m left feeling uncomfortable because most video are focused on the female and the male is more of an accessory. I’ve been told it’s “really cool” I like porn, but it’s similar to a girl liking football, it’s a “guy thing” and that’s the part that I would like to see change. I’m saying that this might have less to do with biology versus psychology and social acceptance. Ideally I want to be able to search “hot brunette” and the results should have some straight males thrown in the mix. I think the market for women needs to open up asap. This unbalanced stigma is hurting relationships but until there is male porn for females it’s understandable that a woman could nott relate to the use of porn.

Reply November 24, 2014, 1:46 pm

would prefer not to say my name

P.S. I would really appreciate some feedback on my thougths.

Thank you!

Reply March 1, 2013, 5:28 am

would prefer not to say my name

Here I go again with my comment, will not comment on fb cause want to be anonymous for readers. But reading all girls’ comments I found few interesting things to think of:
– whoever needs some stimulation (like watching porn or reading 50 shades of grey) to get turned on (to get some flavour in sex) are ok with their guys doing the same, so they can hit it when both ready – doesn’t it mean they don’t have enough sexual attraction to each other, so need an additional turn on? Isn’t it settling for less – a guy/girl that doesn’t turn you on enough?
* I understand that with time a couple might need that, but I would hope in my relationship it would be not less then in 10 years, too optimistic?

– a lot of girls say they’d watch with him. But they did not ask the guy, so queston is: would he want it? And if yes, why wouldn’t he ask for it? And why would he want to do it with his girl? (coming back to first point)

– some would laugh about it – for me a sign of insecurity, cause whatever comes to sexuality and sex is not supposed to be funny

– From your answer
“Whether you like porn or not, it’s not going away. The amount of internet traffic devoted just to porn is staggering. It’s the number one use for the internet – more than anything else.” – EXACTLY, and it’s growing, isn’t it a little scary?
According to the loads of girls’ comments here, very little are actually happy with their relarionships (but steal accept them), I read comments when girls are spending years with assholes, settling for so little, so my question is: maybe it actually became an easy way for guys to get satisfaction and diversity without putting any effort in realtionship/marriage/commitment, maybe that is where the assholes from their stories come from?
And maybe that’s why so girls answered it’s not a big deal, cause the majority (and your website is a proof) settle for smth they don’t like, they accept things that hurt them, just to be with a guy who might not even deserve it.

And also this:
“As a general statement, I don’t think porn is the problem in relationships, but rather the woman’s reaction to it.”
Sure, the reaction is a problem. But that can be said about anything like “lie is not a problem in the relationship it’s the reaction to iy” (the guy is with you, right? why react on lies?), “girl flirting with others is not a problem (she is with you anyway, what is the big deal?)”
I am not saying this things are the same, I just say this way of thinking may apply to many things.
So here is my round up: I see it as another thing girls settled for just to be with a guy, to seem cool, to get the guy. Cause while I read anonymous letters/commetns on the web the truth was lots of girls suffer from it/don’t like it, or at least ask the question why it is happening.
In my opinion if more woman would be telling their guys the truth and not be afraid to loose them, then they would be treated like queens (be a prize, right?).
Afterall what is it that is more important being with a women you truly love or watching some porn?

Reply March 1, 2013, 5:23 am

Eric Charles

I understand where you’re coming from on this…

I’m not pro-porn, but I am pro-accepting realities of the current world we live in. Oftentimes, I’ve found that the biggest problem women come against in improving their situation is that they can’t even look at or accept their situation.

If a guy wants to look at porn, that’s what he’s going to do. And if a woman wants to stay in that relationship and is happy with it, then she’s going to stay and nothing’s going to change.

All in all, if you’re not happy in your situation, change it for yourself. You’re not going to be able to change the other person and if they’re not a good match for you, then that’s that. Either learn to accept them exactly as they are now or leave and find someone who’s a better fit.

With your comment, I think you nailed it fundamentally when you were talking about how the women accept what they don’t want and settle for so little. That’s the fundamental issue – they don’t want what they have and instead of leaving, they stay and think something’s going to change.

Great relationships come naturally from compatibility. And forcing a great relationship to happen between two incompatible people is pretty unlikely. With an incompatible couple, it will always feel frail and precarious under examination.

Settling is what happens when two people believe that they’re with the best that they can get, but not what they want… and then they use things like porn, nagging, arguing, emotional-abuse, etc. to fill in the gaps left by their incompatibility.

Reply March 11, 2013, 2:12 am

would prefer not to say my name

Thank you for the reply. Totally agree on compatability. And luckily I found that guy who treats me just the way I want to be treated and as a couple we are perfect for each other. In a year of relationship we had 3-4 arguments all in all and they always ended with a solution good for both of us, and we never came back to the issue once solved. And as I said we are happy and he really is what I want the way he is. If he wouldn’t like my reaction and was against what I said, I would end the relationship.
Yes changing someby is impossible but changing few “single” behaviors yourself for your loved one is absolutely normal (when they are not fundamental or very imortant part of being yourself, but smth like watching porn every now and then for him and being a flirt for me).

Reply March 11, 2013, 10:30 am

would lprefer not to say my name

Ok, I’ll be honest, I was waiting to hear your point of view on porn issue. I value every piece of advice form you usually and not that I don’t accept or understand what you said , but I didn’t get anything new from it this time that could help. I read and heard a lot about it, all the things just like you said, so I guess I should blame the nature and accept that nothing/noone can help. If you looked at my pics you would see I am good looking (guys say hot), I am a happy person with my friends, work, interests, I am in a relationship with the man I love and he treats me really well and we are going to marry soon. And yet I felt hurt when once found out he was looking at porn when I was there for him anytime he wanted. I genuinely love and enjoy sex and the more I get the better, I heard from my guy and exes that I am very good at it (even heard the opinion that I am # 1 in it). But I was really hurt. It is my nature. He apologized and said he thinks it was wrong and that he doesn’t want to hurt me, he said it’s just a habit, but it didn’t matter what he said I was still hurt. I got over it though and we are perfectly fine. But I still feel hurt when I remember about it. Call me crazy but it is my nature. So if he wants to be with me he has to keep it out of my life. That’s it. Keep it out of my life, the best thing a guy can do for his gf, wife, if it bothers her and he cares about her. I can pretend I am fine with it to make my guy happy and not to shame him, but how long will I last before I will stop loving him cause I will feel hurt? I am fine with watching porn when in LDR (that is what our situation is now), I do it myself, as you said it is a biological burden. But when we are together and I am there for him, please keep it out of my life, otherwise I will be hurt and eventually will stop loving him one day.
I did tell him how I felt and I appreciate his understanding. If he tried to convince me it’s ok, I wouldn’t be marrying him.

Reply February 27, 2013, 11:13 pm

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