My roommate met this guy at a bar a week ago. the first date, he took her to Gramercy Tavern (one of the nicest restaurants in New York City). Last night was their second date and he took her to another equally nice restaurant. Before their second date, he had some of his friends meet her and he tells her how much he likes her every other sentence.. When she got home, she was getting concerned that this guy was a desperate loser because he was exposing all way too soon. Tonight, he came over and when I came out of my room I saw a HUGE vase of a dozen roses that he brought her. Now my roommate is convinced that he can’t get a date and probably wants to marry her next. He’s also in his 30s, a lawyer, and looking to buy a place or probably settle down. She likes him but she thinks he has no game and too much strong feelings too soon is creeping her out. What do you think? Are we just cynical and can’t appreciate a gentleman taking us out or does this guy really have signs of desperate loser?
See our guy’s response after the jump!
No, I don’t think you’re cynical for thinking those things. My quick answer is that it sounds like the guy is making up for lost time. Too much studying and never spent time being with women.
There is such thing as a gentleman, but expressing strong feelings really early on and lavishing a woman with gifts for seemingly no reason… Well… you wouldn’t see James Bond doing that :)
My guess is that she feels creeped out, he doesn’t have the experience necessary to be with her, but she feels bad rejecting a “nice guy.” It’s understandable and I feel bad for him, but it sounds like a bad match and she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. I’m sure she’s already made up her mind to eject, she is probably just thinking of a way to dump.
In general, you might ask why a guy would come on too strong in the beginning. As with pretty much any awkward, destructive behavior in a relationship, the root of it is fear. In the case of being way too affectionate early on, it’s a case of him thinking that you wouldn’t like him if he were just “himself”. That is to say, he feels that if he weren’t trying to impress you, you would be thoroughly unimpressed with him. So, like a nervous straight-A student studying for a big exam, he overcompensates and tries to do everything “right” and “perfect.” But the reality of it is that he comes across as desperate and like he’s trying too hard.
Actually, when you go out with a guy and he acts really obnoxious, the root is still the same – it’s a matter of insecurity that drives him to act that way. Only in this scenario, he wants to prove that he’s not “that nice, pushover guy”, so he does everything on the total opposite end of the spectrum: he acts like a jerk. Acting like a jerk actually packs an additional protection since he can say that it wasn’t him that was rejected, it was the approach. Either way, he is doing his best to hide who he is since he doesn’t believe he has what it takes to stand on his own.
It’s a self-esteem issue. And it’s not your problem.
As a consolation prize, at least you know he likes you. :)