I’ve been separated over a year from my soon-to-be-ex-husband (only paperwork remains to make it official). I have been dating a man for 4 and 1/2 months, but he is slow to commit, saying that it is due to my impending divorce.
I do eventually want to get re-married and have children and I want to date people who are interested in those same things. How do I ask him if those are things he will someday want without scaring him into thinking I want those things with him now?
I want to know if marriage and children are on his radar (not necessarily with me) and he isn’t a perpetual bachelor or commitment-phobe.
I’m not saying he is or isn’t a commitment-phobe, but regardless I think he’s smart to hold back on starting a full-fledged, titled relationship with you.
I understand that paperwork might be the only thing separating you from being officially divorced, but that doesn’t mean it’s not significant. If I were in the situation, I would hold back on getting into a full-blown relationship with a woman if she wasn’t officially divorced.
I mean, most guys (especially guys who have a moderate to good amount of relationship experience) know that it’s wise to choose slowly and not just race into a relationship with a woman. And I’m not saying that being divorced is a “Scarlett Letter”, but it is a red flag to a guy who might be considering dating you. Divorce gives the appearance that even if he falls madly in love with you, someday, somehow, you might leave him too.
I just think that before I answer your specific question I needed to point that out – he could have very good, logical reasons for wanting to take it slow, but it doesn’t mean a relationship is not an option. He just may need more time to be sure, given the circumstances.
Now, to answer your question, finding out where he’s at is relatively easy. Being patient enough to get the answer (or lack thereof) is the hard part. If you haven’t done so already, find some occasion to mention that someday you want children and a family. You can be subtle about it (actually, the more subtle, the better in this case), just as long as you state it somehow in some way.
If he wants no part of being a father and having a family someday, he most likely will not stick around much longer. But if it’s something he’s on board for, he won’t up and leave.
On the other hand, he might not outright state that he’s looking for the same thing. He might not say it for another month, 2 months or even a year. But if he’s aware that that’s what you’re looking for and he hasn’t gracefully exited stage-left, then the potential is there and provided that the relationship continues in a positive way, there’s a good chance he’ll eventually come around and open up about his vision for your relationship’s future.
For now, though, handle your divorce situation. I believe the guy when he says that’s an issue for him…
Good luck and hope it helps,