I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now. We’ve had our problems but have worked through it all and I really want him to pop the question already. There was a moment when he talked about us being married, but he joked that I should be the one to get him the ring. The topic hasn’t come up again since and at this point, I am just about ready to give him an ultimatum- either he proposes or I’m leaving. I’m also thinking of just getting him a ring at this point just to move this thing along!
Can you please help me figure this out?
See our guy’s response after the jump!
So you want marriage, huh?
From my point of view, marriage is something I would never encourage a guy to do unless he is planning on having children with the woman he’s marrying within the next few years afterward.
Now I know that is probably not going to be a very popular opinion on here, but it’s how I feel about marriage.
Think about it. For guys, it’s a really crappy deal if things fall apart. Roughly half of today’s marriages end in divorce and men usually get screwed in divorce settlements. I’ve known guys going through divorces and aside from them being emotionally distraught, they pay dearly. Bye bye kids, bye bye half your income for the next 10 years, etc. etc.
When you really think about it rationally, I have no idea how so many guys do get married! Frankly, when a guy gets married, he’s doing it for you. Guys don’t care whether or not there’s a legal document that says you’re married. Guys have heard enough horror stories to know that tying the knot isn’t going to make a woman any less likely to cheat or leave, so we know it’s not to our advantage to risk half of our income on the chance that everything works out.
It’s not like he’s not getting love or sex beforehand. And I’ve always felt that if the relationship is working well and both people are happy, marriage is just a title. But that title has a huge risk attached to it (for the guy only).
So I say it again – the only reason I think a guy should get married is to raise a family.With that said, I don’t blame the guy for waiting.
If you really want to get a guy to marry you right away, tell him you want a prenuptial agreement and that if things don’t work out, you can part nice and clean.
Or… relax and wait for him to propose marriage to you. Forcing a ring on a guy will never work. Aside from him probably feeling insulted by the gesture, can you imagine if he did go for it? Every time you have an argument he’d think back to how he felt coerced into marriage and pressured by you.
Long story short, you should plan to either wait for the guy to propose marriage to you or move on. There is no forcing this and there shouldn’t be. What kind of foundation would it be for one person to force the idea of marriage on the other?
Here is my perspective on when I would marry a girl:
- When I’m ready to start a family
- When we’ve been together so long that I couldn’t imagine life without her there
- When it really wouldn’t matter if we were married or not because it was clear neither one of us would leave
Other than those reasons (and I would need to have all 3 be true), I would not get married. Period. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t date a girl long term to see where it goes, but unless I’m at a point where those terms are true for me, I’m not doing it – it would make no sense to get married.
Bottom-line: Either give it more time and wait until he comes around and wants marriage with you or leave him. Trying to coerce him in marriage will end badly even if you do succeed in “making” him marry you.
Hope it helps.
- eric charles
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I received an e-mail back from the person who originally posted this question. Long story short she felt I was against marriage and embittered about the subject in general.
TOTALLY not the case. I’m sharing my response here just to make sure this is completely clear:
I’m not anti-marriage. I’m not against marriage as a concept. I AM against divorce and the way men are affected by today’s laws – but that is outside of marriage.
Personally, I believe that families are strongest when the parents are (and remain) married. I am lucky and grateful to say that my parents stayed together.
And I like the notion of a couple that is so strong and so perfect together that they would like to be together forever and it is certainly possible. I am 100% for all that, so please do not assume that I am bitter about marriage as a concept – my answer didn’t say I was against any of these things.
Still, there are risks that men have to consider that women don’t. Yes, you can say that there are cases where the women make more money than the men and there are cases where the women support the men financially. I never argued this point and it is irrelevant to what I am talking about.
I hope that clarifies where I am coming from.
“It’s not like he’s not getting love or sex beforehand. And I’ve always felt that if the relationship is working well and both people are happy, marriage is just a title. But that title has a huge risk attached to it (for the guy only).”
What about the people who keep marriage sacred? Those people who don’t have sex before marriage? (Yes, there ARE some out there; or at least I really hope, so)
As a woman, it’s not exactly been my biggest dream to have kids when I get married. Not all marriages are generally the way you descibe it. I believe the only reason why most marriages end in divorce is because people aren’t ready for the responsibility or even know what marriage is really about. It’s NOT just a title. When you get married, you’ve made a pledge to stay with that person until they die, through all the good and rough times. That’s why you love that person enough to even WANT to get married, so you can work it out together. A ring says more than simply “being” with that person.
But I do agree with some of what you said Mr. Charles, especially this part: “When we’ve been together so long that I couldn’t imagine life without her there.”
Hey 17 – I don’t disagree with any of the points you’re bringing up. In fact, one of the reasons I worded my answer in the way that I did was to make sure I didn’t disqualify what you’re talking about.
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I like the way you said it – it’s a matter of responsibility. If both the man and the woman aren’t 100% certain that they’re ready to honor that kind of commitment, they should slow down and wait. Again – I’m not anti-marriage, I just don’t think it should be rushed or forced because it’s a serious life decision and, if it’s a mistake, it can have huge consequences (especially if you’re a guy).
Rushing things or forcing things on a person in a relationship will probably end up as fuel for a future argument. As a female, I am contemplating those questions and more before I even think about getting married. If you have your whole entire life with this person, then what’s it matter anyway if you wait a little longer? I have several friends that have been in relationships for 5-10 years and are just now getting married because now they’re finished with college and working full time and can take care of each other. None of them are anti-marriage for waiting. They’re just being responsible.
Great comment Sherly. Well put – I completely agree.
I have to say that I agree with you for the most part, Eric, but like 17yrold I had the same concern about that particular section that she mentioned. I am 26 years old and celibate, so it’s not always the case that the guy is getting sex before marriage. The entire purpose for my celibacy rests on the fact that it seems that marriage has become nothing but a title as you said. Marriage should be so much more than a title. It is permanent. I am also anti-divorce, almost to the point where it just doesn’t exist for me. For a while I felt the same way as the girl who wrote this email. I was in a long-term relationship. We had talked about marriage, even planned a wedding to some extent, but he had never proposed. We started losing money hand over fist during the 2008 recession. A year later, he broke up with me because we realized that we just couldn’t make it work. We wanted two different things. I am so glad that I didn’t pressure him into proposing, otherwise we would have to live with a mistake forever. Simply making it through the bad times is not a reason to get married. I don’t just want commitment, I want happiness. A ring won’t make your problems disappear.
I really like the writers response to this question. I have always been against putting any sort of pressure on someone to commit. That being said, I’ve always been in a committed relationship. I am almost 28 years old (kind of scary to think) and my boyfriend is 36. We started dating when I was 25, so it’s been almost 2.5 years. When we first got together all my friends were getting married but I wasn’t jealous in the least because I was just having fun and loving what we had together. Anyway, I am my boyfriend’s most serious girlfriend and even though I think he has always feared commitment in the past (before me), he was talking marriage in our first year. Then he really wanted me to move in. At first I was against living together before marriage but I did it anyway. So we’ve been living together for the past year and a half and things are great. I’ve never been in such a healthy and loving relationship and either has he. I know marriage is in our future and so is a family; however I really do feel ready to get married now!! And even though I’ve never been the type to put pressure, I really feel like maybe I should start bringing up marriage (even though kids won’t be for at least three more years). At the same time I am terrified about pressuring him into it. I am 100% happy in our relationship and I’m not expecting anything to change with marriage. My question is whether I should just be confident in knowing that it will happen or should I bring it up?? ALSO, friends of mine who are married (not even happily) always bug me about it and then I start thinking about how other people think…THOUGHTS???
Hi Marie,
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It sounds to me like you are in a very good, healthy relationship. It also sounds like your approach and mindset has been good – which (in my opinion) is a huge part of why things are working out well for you.
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On the other hand, bringing it up can be pressuring if it’s done wrong. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking about it in it of itself. But if you’re going to do it, be straight up about it (as opposed to hinting about it or implying it.)
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If you’re going to discuss marriage, you have to be really willing to listen to where he is at and what he feels about it. He might totally be on board, but there’s also the possibility that he isn’t yet.
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When I go into discussions where the other person might say or feel something different than what I want at the moment, I have to actively remember to approach the discussion with total love and appreciation for the other person. And to do my best to receive everything with love, trust and appreciation.
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If you talk about it and he’s not there yet, it doesn’t mean that he never will be. It might not even mean that he’s far away from being ready.
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If you can handle hearing it and still love him as much as you do now, that will definitely work in your favor. On the other hand, if he throws an objection up and you flip out on him, that will likely create a kink in the whole marriage subject… so tread lightly.
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I have to say though, it really doesn’t seem like you have anything to worry about. I know that you might feel bringing it up will help things along, but it sounds to me like it will unfold naturally anyway.
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It might be a better use of your time and energy to just expect that he will come around when he’s ready. At that point he’ll be 100% in and you’ll never have to wonder if it was your “convincing” that got him to the table – I think that’s a better scenario.
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Be grateful – having a happy, loving relationship is sacred. It is an amazing thing to have in your life and the majority of people out there would do almost anything to have it. Don’t let your fears get the better of you – it certainly sounds like you’re on the road to get married, he just needs a little more time.
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Good luck and hope it helps.
Thank you for your response! It is so nice to get a guy’s perspective on it. And for the time being I think I’ll continue being grateful for what we have and maybe eventually I’ll bring it up. I just don’t think I’m ready to yet and it’s good to know that I shouldn’t feel like I have to either.