I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now. We’ve had our problems but have worked through it all and I really want him to pop the question already. There was a moment when he talked about us being married, but he joked that I should be the one to get him the ring. The topic hasn’t come up again since and at this point, I am just about ready to give him an ultimatum- either he proposes or I’m leaving. I’m also thinking of just getting him a ring at this point just to move this thing along!
Can you please help me figure this out?
See our guy’s response after the jump!
I’ve met plenty of women who are in a hurry to get married.
And I understand the reasons: biological clock, all your friends are married, you feel like “it’s time”, you want to have final commitment, etc.
The problem is, there are many considerations that guys have to make that you need to consider too. When you can understand why a guy might have reservations to getting married (or at least, might not be motivated to get married), it will help you communicate better and ultimately get you to a place where you may both decide it’s time for marriage.
Or not… but at least you’ll know where you stand.
Personally, I don’t plan on getting married until I’m ready to start a family. That’s just my personal view and I’m not suggesting or projecting that anyone else should share it. But for me, that would be the determining factor for when I tie the knot.
Now, I’m going to give you a viewpoint that many guys think about and fear. In fact, this fear makes many guys avoid marriage like the plague…
The fear for guys is that it’s going to be a really crappy deal if things fall apart.
Every man has heard countless stories about men getting screwed in divorce settlements. Now I know that there are lots of counter-stories where women have gotten screwed too, but guys don’t typically hear those stories.
I tend to be a risk-averse guy, so I’m not in hurry to get married. All the nice parts of marriage sound nice to me, but the prospect of divorce sounds awful… I have seen men destroyed by it (not to say women aren’t too, I guess I’ve just met more divorced men in my work with guys…)
In many cases, when a guy gets married, he’s doing it for you. Most guys don’t care whether or not there’s a legal document that says you’re married. Most guys have heard enough horror stories to know that tying the knot isn’t going to make a woman any less likely to cheat or leave, so there’s a general attitude that it’s not to our advantage to risk half of our income on the chance that everything works out.
(Quick insert here: I’ve gotten LOTS of comments that there are many marriages where the woman makes more money than the man and she ends up getting financially screwed. Please understand that I get that and I’m not saying that last part to be sexist or “old fashioned”. I’m just sharing how many guys think about marriage.)
Plus, for the guy it’s not like he’s not getting love or sex beforehand.
I’ve always felt that if the relationship is working well and both people are happy, marriage is just a title. But that title has a risk attached to it (and thanks to “horror stories”, the news, movies, media, etc. most guys perceived that risk to be on the guy’s side only).
If the guy is having those kinds of fears, you might want to consider a prenuptial agreement. If you believe that your marriage will be everlasting, there’s nothing to worry about. In fact, that’s the point of the prenup: It gives both of you the ability to relax and never have to worry about anything ending horribly if things don’t work out.
Also, I think it would be in your best interest to relax and wait for him to propose marriage to you.
Forcing a ring on a guy won’t work out well. Aside from him probably feeling insulted by the gesture, can you imagine if he did go for it? Every time you have an argument he’d think back to how he felt coerced into marriage and pressured by you.
Marriage is a huge commitment for you and him. If you get impatient, it’s going to block your ability to be empathetic and understanding towards him.
It’s OK if you’re feeling impatient at the moment, but I would highly encourage you to try and put your feelings aside for a moment and try to just appreciate him and empathize with where he is. Then talk to him and let him know what’s been on your mind and how you feel.
Sharing your feelings with him is fine, but you want it to be from a place of love and understanding and not from a place of frustration and impatience.
Personally, my criteria for getting married is:
- When I’m ready to start a family
- When we’ve been together so long that I couldn’t imagine life without her there
- When it really wouldn’t matter if we were married or not because it was clear neither one of us would leave
Other than those reasons (and I would need to have all 3 be true), I would not get married. But that’s me.
Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t date a girl long term to see where it goes, but unless I’m at a point where those conditions are all true for me, I wouldn’t marry yet.
It’s counter-intuitive, but focusing on marriage might actually be part of the problem here. I would recommend shifting your focus away from getting married and put it on appreciating him and loving him more deeply.
You can’t force a man to marry you, but you certainly can inspire a man to…
Hope it helps.
– eric charles