Ask a Guy: Do Guys Mean What They Say When They’re Drunk? post image

Ask a Guy: Do Guys Mean What They Say When They’re Drunk?


Me and my bf are finally back together after a 3 month breakup. We’re both trying to be normal and go back to the way things were. He tells me he loves me when he’s sober, but I don’t feel it like I used to before we broke up.

The other night he was drunk and texted me saying he loves me and misses me and will love me more when he’s back home in two weeks and went on and on. The next morning I asked if he meant everything he texted and he said  “yes, a drunk man means whatever he says.” I asked the same question to all my male friends and got mixed replies and now I’m more confused.

Do men really speak the truth while they’re drunk or is it just BS?

What you say is a decision. And alcohol affects decision-making faculties…

So…

I mean… a more complete answer is this: Yes, alcohol impairs judgment, but it also impairs inhibition. So a guy might be more inclined to say something he’d hold back from saying otherwise.

So everyone wants to think that the proverbial “drunk man never lies.”

There are two fatal flaws in this though:

1) He’s telling his truth as a drunk person. So yeah, it’s the truth for him, while he’s drunk…

… but unless the dude is loaded 24/7, that doesn’t do you a heck of a lot of good.

2) If you look at the way alcohol affects people under a fMRI or SPECT scan, you’ll see their brain activity is significantly different than normal.

Some people are relatively unaffected personality-wise when they drink while others turn into totally different people (sometimes monsters, sometimes lovey-dovey, sometimes loud and boisterous, sometimes sad, etc.)

It’s a mind-altering substance, not truth serum. Moreover, I see the same trap over and over again with women trying to understand men…

It’s as if these women believe something a man’s communication “secretly means” something. My guess is because when women communicate with one another, there’s a lot of communication that really does “secretly mean something”.

For example:

She said she *loves* my hair, but she leaned in on the word *loves* a bit too hard, so she must secretly hate my hair.

- or -

She said she thinks my boyfriend doesn’t deserve me, which must secretly mean she knows something I don’t and wants to sabotage my relationship.

Who knows if that theory is founded, but the central fact is that if you go around assuming men are sending “secret messages” to you through their communication, you’re going to be forever confused by men…

Not because men are complex, but because you’re *making* them complex. You’re projecting this total fantasy onto men.

Want the secret of understanding men and male communication? Here it is:

1) Assume he wants you, thinks you’re hot, is happy with you.

2) Take his communication literally on a surface level. Remember what I was saying about reading into secret messages from him? Do the exact opposite of that…

3) Listen to the message of what he’s saying, not the excuse or explanation – not the other way around.

In other words, if he says to you: I don’t want a relationship right now because I’m trying to figure my life out…

The important part of that communication is not: “I’m trying to figure out my life right now…” That’s a distraction. That’s to soften the blow. That… is… irrelevant.

The *only* important part of his message is “I don’t want to be in a relationship”…

I know it sounds harsh, but you have no idea the amount of heartache women could save themselves if they just started looking at male communication as what it is:

Surface.
Simple.
Concrete.
Clear.

You might say, “Men are sooooo confusing.”

No, they’re not. Just because you don’t like what they’re saying doesn’t mean that they’re being confusing. You just don’t like it.

But you want the best best best indicator of how a man feels about you? Look at his actions. Done.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

{ 5 comments… add one }

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Barb

I’ll just say this..If you can’t handle a guy going away for 3 weeks and fear he’s gonna be with some stranger or old fling in that time period..perhaps the relationship has cracks in it already and you’re not even married to the man. This is time for serious pause and reflection on exactly what do you have with him? If you’re that insecure about him, perhaps it’s not reliable or you are just that insecure with yourself and him. I’d think on that before I start questioning him when he gets back from his 3 week hiatus.

Reply August 28, 2013, 12:11 pm

Holli

Hi Eric! I’ve been reading your stuff for a while now and I’m really learning to understand relationships a little better. However this particular article confuses me. You say listen to what men say about whether or not they want a relationship but if you really want to know how he feels, look at his actions? The reason this is confusing to me is because of the ‘relationship’ I’m currently in. He’s told me from the beginning (3 and a half years) he doesnt want anything serious, sort of started as a FWB type relationship except its more than just the booty call. We go out a lot, always have a great time and he is good to me. Its like we’re in a relationship only without the commitment of being exclusive. Neither of us dates other people, but he used to always make a point of telling me if I wanted to date anyone else, go for it. Anytime I did it showed that he didnt like it at all. The last time I went out with someone else was over a year ago and he actually broke down and showed some emotion, he told me he loves me and he is NOT a man that says that! He’s only ever told one other woman that. He’s 34. I’ve been reading some books on men and commitment and they all boil down to the same concept of being more of a challenge, so I’ve thought since he hasnt made “us official” that maybe I should be dating other men… I’m still lost! I wrote in the forum do I believe his actions or his words??

Reply March 19, 2013, 10:41 am

cierra

Why guys play with good women feelings even tho they know that good women cares about them? Well the guy regret doing it especially if the two were friends and sleeping together?

Reply December 29, 2012, 8:53 pm

Stacey

How about this scenario. My ex finally apologized for wrongdoings at the end of our relationship. The problem he was drunk when he made the apology and it was kind of one of those vague “sorry for what happened” crap apologies. This was his only attempt at an apology. I guess my question is, should I take it to heart that he does feel guilty for what he did? I did see sincerity on his face, but I’m not accepting a drunken attempt.

Thanks Eric :)

Reply December 27, 2012, 2:07 am

Should I be worried

How can we ask you questions that will be answered? Is it better to post here or email you? I’ve recently started an exclusive relationship with someone, since October, but I’ve known him for over a year. He will be gone on vacation with his friends for 3 weeks and also seeing some family. I know all guys are different but I’m worried that he’ll sleep with a girl that he meets on the trip. Im happy that he will have time to relax and have a super fun time with his friends, but how do I approach talking about it when he’s back I don’t want to seem like I don’t trust him but the relationship is quite new so I don’t fully trust him right away either. Of course I can never tell what happens on a trip I just don’t want to sound bitchy when I talk to him about it.

Thanks if you can give me help. I know this question is off topic but I wasn’t sure where to ask. I love your column an insight you’ve been very helpful and also part of the reason why I’m now in this relationship :)!

Reply December 25, 2012, 5:56 pm

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