Why do exes keep coming back YEARS later?

People learn. Looking back we all regret some things. Including losing someone. it is also much easier and more pleasant to be with someone you know from before. There is this comfort of time which somehow makes you feel closer to this person, even though you were not in touch all those years. You were both younger, you shared some nice and not-so-nice things. A bit of nostalgia, a bit of regret, a bit of security in knowing what to expect…all those things together. Forming new connections later in life is harder than when you are younger. Most people would prefer to rekindle their lost connections.

There is nothing wrong with reconnecting with your ex, provided you both understand all the risks and pluses and minuses. One rule does not fit all situations. Some people get together with completely wrong partners, break up and then it is no wonder they can’t fathom even talking to them. But in some cases, things don’t work out for different reasons, age gap, long distance, life goals, jobs abroad, wanting not wanting kids, what not, but people might be right for each other and might have feelings still. Why would they not want to try again if their situations changed? Life is a complex process and each situation is different, it is very important to think independently.

Not sure, but I don’t think they come back for altruistic reasons. As in, she was so good to me, let me give all that goodness back to her and more. It’s usually because they recognized your value for them and they want some more of it. If you liked them and they were good to you, and the timing (maybe different stages in life, etc. that has since normalized) was the only issue, and there were no hard feelings, I would see them.
But Shannon makes great points as usual, and I would definitely take it all into consideration.

I mean he is trying for a 3rd time – relentlessly – but I can’t do it. How do I get him to stop?

Correct, the 5 I am still in regular contact with have not gotten married or even had any long term relationships since me. OMG I’m a black widow!!! Kidding, but I guess it’s who I am picking? Maybe emotionally unavailable men? But I am sure they have DATED others, so why keep coming back to me? And why do I let them? Even as friends? There is only 1 who I have never heard from again — and 2 never really got to a “relationship” status, and I don’t hear from them either. But the ones I dumped, for the reasons noted above, and the one who dumped me and shattered me at the time, is the one who is begging for another chance. And the others ask me out too, and I politely decline, or say “sure someday bud” – keeping it light.

I want the last one — the one who just broke my heart — to come back begging. Why do we always want the wrong ones. He deserves to go find some young chicky to give him a baby, even though at his age if he hasn’t had one he should kiss it up to God and be happy with what he does have. Like the love of a fabulous fifty-something woman who seems to be in some kind of demand, at least from EXES!!!!! :)

Stevie, have you talked & I mean really talked to Mr. Heartbreak?

If he’s hell bent to get you back, ask him what has changed, how has he changed… Be direct – then, if he can not give you what you want & need … Tell him… Then ask him to leave you be & then ignore & cut contact…

These guys will cease if you stop engaging wth them…

Raven, I’ve talked to him a lot about it. Gave him 2 chances already. And each time I just wasn’t feeling it. I don’t love him. Well, I love him as a friend, but I am not in romantic love with him. And even though I am old as dirt, this latest heartbreak kid (I said kid because he’s 37…oops) made me realize I am still capable of true passionate almost unconditional love of a man. Question is, is that a blessing or a curse. Time will tell, but I’m leaning towards curse.

I have also had several exes come back. Some of them many years later.

Most of my breakups have been pretty civil, with the exception of a select few. I’m sure that is part of the reason they feel comfortable looking me back up.

But in all that time, I have only fully reconnected (resumed a relationship) with one. He was the only ex I never really got over, and I still had a lot of respect and admiration for. We initially broke up because I moved away (all the way across the country). I agreed to try a second time because he was honest and sincere (and proved with both words and actions) that he was willing to do all the hard work to try and make a new start work.

When we reunited it lasted for 2 years, and it was leading towards marriage. As it turned out, we did not breakup over the initial reasons (which were mostly logistical). In the end I realized he had some real issues setting proper boundaries with his ex wife, who happens to be a certifiable nightmare.

I have my own nightmare ex that I’ve managed to get rid of almost completely. Having been through hell and back on my own already in that situation (before we reconnected), I decided I wasn’t willing to go through this type of situation again (with someone’s else’s ex). I decided he needed to deal (on his own) with his issues in creating proper limits with her nonsense.

So my belief is that many come back when they are: lonely, bored, too lazy to look for someone new, or just looking for a diversion. Even the odd chance that it turns out they realize “you were the ONE”, it rarely works out.

Your 16 year old sounds smart and wise beyond their years. That was good advice they gave you.

Now I do have purely friendships with some exes. But I have ablsolutely not desire to ever date them again.