Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Benefit of the doubt?
- This topic has 16 replies and was last updated 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Maddie.
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Poppy
Need advice from you wise ladies!
I’ve been going on dates with a new guy since last month and things have been going smoothly. We’ve slept together since the 5th date and so far we’ve gone on 7 dates. It’s been pretty balanced effort between us and I was feeling at ease with our progress. However, after the 7th date which was movie/dinner/sleepover, he cooked breakfast and gave me a small gift he brought back from his overseas trip, I felt some sort of attachment(may also be due to oxytocin) so I checked his dating profile and saw he’s updated a prompt of his which I guess was from a week ago(that would be our 4-5 dates in). I was bummed out by it and felt anxious/insecure.
So I texted him(did not ask about the profile update), told him I enjoyed our dated and asked if he wants to date each other exclusively. He said it’s still too early for him to “commit to anything”. He explained that it’s because he used to rush into relationships and let feelings cloud his judgement. Via therapy he realised there has been a terrible pattern and is now trying to take things slowly and be more cautious with relationships. He admitted he wouldn’t want to rule out seeing other people right now because once he made that mental note, it’s basically a committed relationship for him and we are not quite there yet and it “still feels very early” for him. However he said he was with me about sexual exclusivity and assured it doesn’t mean he’s not into me. He re-emphasised that he ultimately wants family and kids.
To be fair, he has not been overly affectionate since the beginning – only occasional check-ins. He was even a bit shy in the beginning. All our dates were enjoyable and I’ve also not sensed him pulling away. He said he’s not sleeping with anyone else. He is currently in therapy to heal from pandemic induced depression, some childhood abandonment issue from being a divorced family/absentee father and has a history of going back to his exes and old flings(up until last December).
Now because he didn’t reciprocate my ideal pace, I started to overanalyse his behaviours and it started to get into my head that he could be just stringing me along?
My girlfriends have been saying I shouldn’t have asked for exclusivity because it gave away my power. They suggested me to stop seeing him or make myself less available for him. However I hate playing games. We have a lunch date coming up this weekend and I thought I could use that chance to clarify a few things on my mind that I didn’t get to ask via texting.
Would love to hear your take on this! Thanks xx
Liz LemonI think his approach sounds very reasonable. You started seeing him last month, so it’s been 6 weeks max? I can see where he thinks that’s early for a commitment. It’s not unusual for guys to need 3-4 months of dating before they are ready to really commit.
I totally agree with the sexual exclusivity, and as long as he’s on board with that, I don’t see a problem with just dating for a bit longer and seeing where it goes. He said he wouldn’t “rule out” seeing other people at this point, but it doesn’t sound like he’s actually seeing anyone.
The problem with many women is that we are very goal-oriented when dating, we go into it seeking a relationship. Guys tend to date for companionship/sex, and they enter relationships when they meet a woman who knocks their socks off, that they can’t imagine being without, etc. So it’s early days yet for him to be head over heels :-) It sounds like he’s been honest and clear in his communication that he’s just not ready yet.
I myself don’t think you should overthink this. But don’t change your vibe, or get anxious and clingy and start overanalyzing (another thing women tend to do at this point). Just try to relax and be present, enjoy getting to know each other, and observe his behavior. A guy who is falling for you will start to escalate his interactions. If he’s seeing you regularly, cooking you breakfast, bringing you gifts– those are all very promising signs. I definitely do not recommend asking him about his intentions over lunch this weekend. If I were you I’d just go and be my fabulous self, and not obsess over it. He will fall for you much faster if he doesn’t feel like you are constantly angling for a commitment at this stage (not saying you are, but you don’t want to give off that vibe this early on).
Liz LemonOh and needless to say, no games or playing hard to get! Your friends’ advice is terrible. He’s been honest with you about where he’s at. Accept it, and continue to get to know him and assess whether he’s the right guy for you.
AngieBabyLessons to learn here:
1) BEFORE having sex have a discussion about where you’re each at and what you’re looking for. Women tend to think sex = commitment and men, not so much as is the case here. When you have to ask afterward “what are we” or directly ask for commitment as you did, you’re now on the back foot and he’s in the power position. Your friends were right about that part of it. You’ve gotten yourself into a “situationship” right now and that’s not an advantage.
2) Sensitive discussions like talking commitment are subjects for face to face, not text.
3) It’s good that someone’s in therapy to deal with things and being honest and open with you about that. The part about he has a history of going back to old relationships and flings up to last December… that’s a bit concerning. You met him in April. If that’s a long-held pattern and it sounds like it was, that’s not a lot of time to break the pattern. I’d stay on guard with this guy for a while and observe his behavior. Don’t get ahead of him and don’t give your whole heart yet.
Liz is right about not playing hard to get or playing games. So far, so good – your job now is to relax and see how it plays out. I’d suggest you not check his profile anymore, because if he changes it you will be upset and you will have a hard time hiding it, if you even can. I presume if he goes out with someone else he’s not going to tell you, so just enjoy dating him and hopefully you two will decide a committed relationship is right. Don’t bring it up again, let him address it.
Poppy@AngieBaby I’m totally with you on the lessons learned and I’ll try not to get ahead of him.
Why did you think it’s a situationship now? We are in an undefined state but it’s not like he’s been flaky or only wants companionship rather than relationship? (assume he’s been honest)EwaPlease relax and enjoy his company. If this turns into a relationship then great if not then it wasn’t meant to be.
KhadijaI echo what AngieBaby said before sex be clear about the guy is looking for. I think its too early for sleepovers, those really should happen when things are exclusive. I say this because spending all that time gets you invested and too comfortable too soon. I agree with some of what your friends said take a step back and be open to dating other people. When I was single I often did what you’re doing, sleep overs right away, then asking what things were after the fact. I often never got the answer I was hoping for and felt disappointed. Good thing is he’s in therapy making necessary changes but, that takes time. I wouldn’t rehash that conversation either, leave it be he knows what you want. Either he’ll make things exclusive or he won’t. Be prepared either way.
AngieBabySituationship = undefined state in my book, no matter how nice he’s being. You’re sleeping together but you can both still date others. That’s a weird state of limbo to be avoided in the future!
MaddieYou have no reason not to take him at his word unless/until he’s inconsistent. I agree with all the other advice you’ve gotten, and I think it’s good that he’s self-aware enough that he’s trying to pace himself with you and communicated why. That actually tells me he’s trying NOT to screw things up with you. Only time will tell if he’s actually in a good headspace for a serious relationship, but take that time and get to know him. Since it’s only been a few weeks, do you even know if YOU want to be committed to HIM yet (beyond sexual exclusivity)? There’s still a lot to learn about your compatibility, how you resolve conflict together, etc. I wouldn’t ask him for more detail around defining the relationship yet if he’s already said you’re sexually exclusive and that he’s looking for a serious relationship in general and not a casual fling. Just keep working on getting to know each other and building a connection.
I also strongly agree that your friends have a bad take. Relationships with unequal power dynamics are dysfunctional. You can’t “give away” your power if you are self-assured and know what you want. If it seems like there’s a power struggle, then you’re not on the same team and should walk away from a partner like that anyway. Your instincts not to play games are right if you’re trying to find a mature adult to date.
MaryIt would have been great if you had just disappeared and let him chase you (wondering) into locking you down. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look good since you were the one who showed your cards first. But no worries, what is meant to be will happen.
PoppyHey ladies, came here to give an update! Your advice from last time helped so much and I really appreciate that!! I may need some more inputs from you as my judgement seems clouded at the moment.
We continued to hang out for a couple of times and it’s been going smoothly I’d say. During a date he brought me a small gift again from his overseas trip (tho tbh it looked like an complimentary freebie he got from a full-size purchase so the effort got discounted a bit). Last Friday we spent our first 24 hours together. He cooked dinner and breakfast, and we went strolling around his neighbourhood to an art gallery and then to a fun painting event. We talked quite a bit about our lives, our close friends and just random stuff. Along the lines, he asked me “would you want a boyfriend who’s much less successful than you are” I told him I never thought about it and I don’t consider myself that successful so I wouldn’t mind. That left me with the impression that he’d thought about us in the long run. Next day I accidentally noticed he’s still on the dating app as when he was showing me his phone the app showed up in recent active apps. That made me feel a little uncomfortable. But on the other hand I know it’s unfair to ask him to be off the app while we are still in this grey zone of getting to know each other.
Overall, when we were together it feels calm and conversations flow easily. I was used to intense beginnings of a new relationship and being pursued, so this somehow made me feel a little uneasy and insecure. He’s very physically affectionate. I’m afraid he’s gonna bail once the lust fades away. We’ve been hanging out for 7 weeks (11 dates) and I’ve not met his friends yet tho he’s talked about them to me in details and suggested to take me to one of his friend’s restaurants.
I brought it up to him briefly near the end of our 24hour date. I said that I don’t want to be strung along if it’s only physical, and asked if things’ been going well between us, as in “developing towards something meaningful”. He said yes but also said it’s still early days. We agreed to continue doing what we’ve been doing. I didn’t broach defining the relationship as it didn’t feel right. He seemed a little uncomfortable with the topic and quickly changed the topic.
I don’t actually want to see other people even though I know I could and it’d give me some leverage. But again I don’t want to play games. So right now I’m just in it risking getting more and more attached to a person whom I’m unsure about. This feels strange and uneasy.
And honestly, I don’t know if one could ever be 100% sure about a potential partner. When do we know we could let our guard down and commit to only focusing on one person?
Not sure if I should set a timeline on how/when things should hit certain milestones? Thinking about that gives me anxiety. Anyone can relate and any advice?
Thanks!!!
TrancyPoppy think you should just let this one play out and let the chips fall where they may. If he doesn’t step up and consider you guys BF and GF by 8 weeks or so he never will. Fade him out so your open to a new opportunity. Next time suggest not sleeping with him until your in a relationship if you really like the guy. 5 dates is nothing your still basically strangers so just continue to get to know each other at your pace not his.
TallspicyThis all is a you issue. You tell a man in the first 3 dates what you are looking for and ask him. You pay attention for if words and actions are matching and believe the less committed one. And you don’t sleep with man unless it is exclusive. You tell him that early, and keep yourself free to make out and such, but you don’t have sex unless it is part of an exclusive interaction where someone is not getting back online the next day and that you will decide thar together.
You get confusion by being the cool girl, you get the right guy by being clear.
TallspicyYou are anxiously attached. If you were secure in yourself, you would not be afraid to lose someone by telling them what you want and holding standards. If he is not your boyfriend by 8-12 weeks, he won’t be. Healthy men who want to take it slow for whatever reason, let you know… I like you, but i need to take it slow. They don’t make you ask.
TallspicyYou never know for sure, but you are single until it is official. And nothing is ever a sure thing, so make sure you always take care of you so you love you no matter what.
EwaMen usually know around 3 months and saying g that also 3 months is when men stop pretending so you sometimes just have to wait and see and don’t attach in the first 3 months. I know easier said than done but men don’t attach through sex or texting so it’s not as easy as it seems.
He is definitely fishing but then again you are putting pressure on him by constantly asking where are we.
Remember it’s your decision too, you sound like you a desperate to be with this guy and men can sense that.
Just enjoy it but if after 3 months he still doesn’t know then let him go.MaddieAgree with Ewa and Tallspicy. You’re letting your anxious insecure attachment style get in the way of having a connection, and it may sabotage things. You can’t force control by counting dates and milestones. It’s about getting to know someone and if you’re long-term compatible — building a connection and foundation of trust that works for both of you and being on the same page about the kind of relationship you both want. Same life stage. Dating gets less risky when you feel confident in yourself and that you’ll be okay whether or not things work out with a guy, so don’t abandon yourself. If he’s still not committing to being a boyfriend after 3 months, give or take a few weeks, then walk away. But you never did answer whether or not you even think he’d be a good partner for you, which is a way more important question!
Also, dating other people doesn’t give you “leverage”. If you’re looking at multi-dating as a power struggle or control tactic, then you’re interfering with building a healthy connection. Fear-based decisions are usually bad ones. You date other people to get a better idea of what you want in a partner and to learn what you need to about what compatibility looks like for you, so that you can find and recognize a good relationship that actually works well for you and is calm instead of crazy-making. You don’t do it to play defensive games and hide from feeling vulnerable. If you’re worried about losing yourself and over-investing too early, you need to connect better with yourself first, not bring other people into it as distractions or back up plans.
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