trying to make it work after cheating

I tried my best but I was just not able to forget him and move on. I want to be with him….but I am not able to manage the difficult feelings I mentioned. I need help with that.

if this was the other way around, he wouldn’t even consider taking you back

How old are you both, and how long were you together?

Does he have a drinking problem? You mentioned he said he’d stop drinking.

You say he says he’ll go to therapy. I think therapy is the best (and possibly only) way to get past this. You should both go to couples counseling.

Hazel – this man is a nightmare, he has major problems that make him a bad partner for the foreseeable future. DO NOT GET BACK WITH HIM. It could take him YEARS in therapy to sort out all of these issues. You are 26! Right in front of you are the best years of your life in that there are many HEALTHY men to choose from to date and marry. After 35 the dating pool of decent guys shrinks. Don’t throw away your chances to meet a guy who is emotionally healthy and adores you and would never cheat on you. Your feelings of being impatient, anxious and fearful are your intelligent instincts screaming at you to get away from this man no matter what he says or promises.

I’ve said it here before and I’ll say it again – when saying yes to someone else to please or placate them means you’re saying no to yourself, you need to switch that up. Stop shortchanging yourself.

Break this off and don’t look back. Please.

AngieBaby took all the words right out of my mouth. She’s completely correct. His issues are serious and deep and existed long before you came along. It is likely to take at least a couple years for him to start to change into a good partner ready for a healthy relationship, and that’s IF he’s truly self-motivated and even wants to. Nothing has changed yet at all, no actions have been taken and consistently stuck with for long periods of time yet, and reconciling will be just the same. ESPECIALLY since he still can’t understand or communicate why he cheated, that means he’s not addressed the underlying reasons and he’ll likely do it again or blow things up and sabotage in some alternate way.

You haven’t gotten over him because of a combination of not processing how traumatizing the relationship was for you over the last seven months (so you’re still on square one with your feelings after the breakup) and due to your own insecurities. It feels like it’s because of the pull of love so you should be together, but that is not what’s actually going on here. What you’re feeling is entirely normal for this type of situation, and very difficult, and as AngieBaby said, a form of codependence.

What I strongly suggest is fully taking space from him for at least a few months and starting therapy on your own in earnest during that time while he does whatever he needs to do. After maybe 6 months, check in with yourself and how you feel. Decide if you still want that kind of relationship back at that future time, and if you still desire to talk to him, see if he’s been true to his word and gotten sober and started getting his own help at that time. If not, he is not serious about working out his issues yet and won’t be ready on a timeline that’s fair to you. I think if you do that, you will start to feel better in the short-run, and your perspective may change so you find yourself in a different and less hopeless place 6 months down the road.

The advice is all great here. But I still feel we have something special. I tried taking those 6-7 months to myself to stay away from him and process all my feelings. All I could feel was dead and anxious and shocked and extreme rage. It was so difficult for m to deal with these emotions. I just couldn’t. It is difficult to explain but I am not a naïve person, I understand that he is not a good guy for me after all this cheating and bad behavior…..but I feel equally awful about not having him in my life. It is just too bad. And he wants me in the exact same way and intensity. Plus we both want to work on our things which just makes it more tempting. He clearly says things like I really wan to work on myself and bring all the behavioral changes that are needed in me, I completely really want to become the guy that you want. And when I say things like why should I risk more years only to find out that you are still fooling me? He says that I won’t do it and if you want I can disappear for sometime, work on myself and get better and then show up….(tbh if I let him go to improve right now I am sure he will be talking to some girls behind my back, because I know he won’t be able to cope up with his anxiety and other issues) and you will know for sure if I do it again, I will never again ask for another chance because I will really never mess up.

Hazel, you don’t bet your time and love and life on what a man says. Ever. Actions speak louder, so the saying goes and it’s true. You are so desperate to stay in this relationship that you want to believe the pretty words.

If he wants to be the man you want and never let you down again, then he should be showing you by getting treatment to stop drinking, getting counseling for the emotional issues and making amends for the cheating that includes explaining exactly why he did it, what he learned from it and why he won’t do it it again.

What exactly happened with the cheating? Was it a one time slip or did he see someone behind your back for a while?

Maddie and Lane gave great advice here as well.

You need to be in counseling to sort through your feelings about the cheating and about him. I realize you think this is something special but this guy has a lot of problems and you have what appears to be a unhealthy attachment to him.

When women post here with a bad situation and then say thanks for all the great advice, but I LOOOOOVE HIIIIIM and can’t live without him, it usually means they know they need to get away but haven’t developed the strength and resolve quite yet to do it. I hope you will figure out how to put yourself first so you don’t waste years of your life on this situation.

Good luck honey.

Hazel

I’ve been there hunni and these guys never change. If he wants to change, let him change and then come back to you afterwards. In the meantime, take the time to work on you and if you still want him when you’ve both worked on what you need to, then try again.

Right now, you are trying to ease the pain of what he did to you when you loved him by taking him back. Like we do with Illness… we take something to stop the pain for a short time.

And sadly, I think your pain will only ease for a short time before it starts again if you take him back now. Because he’ll continue as he has been and you will be unable to trust him which will cause you more pain.

If he comes back a new man and you are a changed woman, it will truly show if you are meant to be together. I found when I worked on me after being cheated on continuously, and wanting it to work because I loved that man that actually I realised he would never change (& 7 years later he hasn’t) and that I deserved more!

You deserve more than the pain this man has put you through

Lane: “Do overs have an abysmal success rate (less than 20%) because the issues that led to the initial break up haven’t been fully resolved and the couple ends up in the same toxic and dysfunctional cycle until it spins out of control again—wash, rinse, repeat.”

I can totally understand what you are saying. But a lot of articles on the internet say that “once a cheater always a cheater “ is not true. My own therapist said people do improve, but it is very rare as it is extremely difficult to change patterns that and overcome traumas that have sort of defined your existence so far. But it’s just that maybe I am thinking, or rather hoping, that my situation falls in this “rare” scenario…. I mean he has hit an all-time low. He has taken to excessive drinking and keeps begging and crying to take him back and he will do anything to get better. He says he feels pathetic, he was dumb to have cheated as he only wants and loves me. There are many other incidents which show that he does feel very empty and hollow after having lost me…. And I have been very bad to him since the breakup as my hurt and anger took the better of me and did some things that I am not very proud of like dating his best friend who always had an eye on me for 1.5 months, breaking my ex’s newest mobile phone in anger as he was just not leaving my place, calling him and his entire family names, telling him he never deserved me as I am so much better than him etc…But he let it all slide and still just wants to do things that will make me love him again the way I did before all of this happened. That’s why I feel like believing him….But I am not able to as I really don’t have anything to depend on and from within I just feel so hurt and bad and doubtful of what he will make me go through again if I get back, how does he really think about me etc….and I feel like running in the opposite direction.

Assuming someone has hit rock bottom is not in any way an indication that they’ll be a rare exception and change. First of all, your definition of rock bottom may not be his. Second of all, he’s still all words and no actions. There’s nothing to believe until he gets sober and attends therapy for several months and sticks with both *for himself and not for you*. If he can do that, it’s possible he may fully deal with himself, and it’s equally possible he may not. Until then, I assure you from experience that he’s 100% not a rare exception.

Your instincts are saying run away, though your withdrawal symptoms are clouding that as they’re saying make the anxiety stop. Don’t drown out your own instincts. Trust them and yourself. You’ve gotten good advice in this thread, and you need to decide if you’re at rock bottom enough in this shell of a relationship to take any of it. I’m truly sorry about whatever you went through to feel like this is all you deserve.

Hazel… holy cow, this gets worse every time you post with more details. Read what you’ve written. This is an incredibly unhealthy situation, especially for two people so young. Very, very codependent both ways. I think the suggestions above about take some time out to handle your own situations first. I believe if you got in a healthier state of mind, you wouldn’t find this guy attractive at all.

This man is not at all trustworthy and may have a sex addiction of some kind. And very, very messed up. He’s going to drag you down with him and that at this point is your own responsibility because you know what he’s like and you’re still in this.

If his friends are into call girls and massage parlors, highly possible he’s doing it too. Which means if you have sex with him, you are being exposed to who knows what kind of STDs.

Tell him both of you need to take 6 months at minimum to work on yourselves. If he meets someone else in that time period then all his insistence he only wants you is a big fat lie. (And I still think it’s a big fat lie.) What you two are doing here is not love. It’s codependence and fear of being alone. Again, you are only 26 and you are way too young to throw your life away.

I’ve said all I can say – please take all the good advice you’ve gotten here, find a counselor to work with in person and stand up for yourself and create a life that makes you feel good and thrive. This guy is a one-way ticket to hell. Please want more for yourself than that.