The guy i'm dating is cheap–and it's a turn-off, should we break-up?


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice The guy i'm dating is cheap–and it's a turn-off, should we break-up?

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 102 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #443066 Reply
    Sandra P

    I’ve been dating this guy since April, he’s a very nice guy, loyal, funny, honest, and we have good chemistry. He reallyy likes me and has told me multiple times.

    We’re both in our twenties, i’m a lawyer, he has a mediocre job that doesnt pay well.

    He wants me to meet his family, but i’m a bit hesitant about him because he has a lot of good qualities, and i know this might sound superficial, but he’s a bit cheap –and that’s a turn-off for me. In my past relationship the guy was a surgeon so we’d constantly go to fancy dinners and things and he would never let me pay–which was great, but sometimes i would pay the cheque beforehand because i wanted him to understand that i dont want him to pay for me all the time.

    But with this guy, ever since the first date whenever the cheque comes he always acts all confused and like “err what should we do’…so then i suggest that we split the cheque –which is fine, i have no problem splitting, but it’d be nice if he actually was like “no it’s okay, i’ll pay this time”….and another time we went to a bar and i ordered a drink and didnt have cash so he paid using credit and i said i’ll pay him back later, so in the car i offered him $10 bill and he accepted it..no questions asked.

    I just feel like the whole money thing is kind of a turn off. I dont expect the guy to pay for my dinner, but it’s a nice gesture to at least offer. my friends’ boyfriends pay for their dinners and buy them expensive things and my guy isn’t even willing to pay for my drink. At one point he did pay for my lunch and he was like ‘it’s okay you can get the next one’.

    I understand his financial situation is tight, but i just can’t get past this whole money thing– so what should i do? (please dont yell at me and call me superficial)

    P.S. I already told him i’m not ready to be in a serious relationship (i have commitment issues, but this money thing is also a factor–i didnt tell him that), and that i dont think i’m ready to meet his family. he said he understands and would be fine with continuing how things are currently.

    #443070 Reply
    Conflustered44

    I had the same sort of issue with my ex. I paid for everything, he would stand back and let me pay because I was in a better paid job. I noticed this from our second date and it always bothered me but I kept putting it to the back of my mind. I said it to him so we started to split things which was fine but like that if he gave a little bit extra on a split I’d have to pay him back. In all honesty it was always an issue, I should have listened to my gut at the start. It was part of the reason we eventually broke up.

    #443071 Reply
    Gemini615

    I agree it is a turn off. I’m sure he’s a nice guy but if your lifestyles are different it won’t work. I used to be in a relationship with a guy who didn’t come from much and he was unemployed for half of our relationship. I’ve always held a decent job, I like going out and I like nice things, and he could never keep up. I grew resentful at having to pay for everything or half of everything and that was part of the reason why we broke up.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing what you want and the kind of lifestyle you want to live. If you want to go to fancy dinners or plays or nice vacations, you want someone beside you who wants and is capable of doing those things too. Doesn’t sound like this guy is it :(

    #443073 Reply
    Khadija

    Sandra P,
    I know women have made great strides and are senators, doctors, lawyers, and all kinds of wonderful things.

    However,I’m real old school when it comes to dating. I think the majority of the time the man should pay. I offer to pay from time to time.

    All this splitting the check and paying him back is a NO NO.

    Honestly, while he may be nice and everything you may be out of his league. That’s just how the cookie crumbs sometimes. While I’m not saying dump this guy you may want to reconsider how you like to be treated when you go out. If, this guy can’t make the cut someone else may be better for you.

    #443092 Reply
    Ollie

    Ohh. That’s a tough one. I’m certainly not judging because I’m like you… And It’s hard for me to
    Maintain attraction beyond a few months in that situation.

    Once that initial honeymoon period ends,i need the guy to show some chivalry and have the instinct and desire to treat me like a queen sometimes. I would do the same for him of course on occasion (less often than he would, but regularly).

    Once the spark was gone, it was downhill fast for me. It doesn’t take massive amounts of money, but he should pick up the tab sometimes without expecting you to make it up to him. A grand gesture once in a while could go a long way.

    Once your attraction to him starts fading, you’ve got nothing to lose by telling him how much you would appreciate a chivalrous grand gesture on occasion.

    #443094 Reply
    Ollie

    I’m older now, so I have much less compassion for a man with no money to date ..I won’t be a sugar mama or a buddy ….no way.. Much happier alone!

    I must admit though in my 20’s I could tolerate for a few months if the sex was good.

    #443105 Reply
    Sandra P

    Thanks your advice ladies. and you guys are right, he’s become comfortable with the idea of me paying my share so he just waits for me to offer. And yeah the initial attraction and spark is gone, and my feelings are starting to fade for him because of this!

    Okayy so what do i do now. I dont see this being long term, i told him already im not at a point in my life where i want to be in a serious long term relationship, he said he understands.

    a) Break-up
    b) Gently/subtly bring up the topic of money and try to work it out somehow
    c) Continue seeing him until I find someone new

    It’s just nice having someone to spend time with, and if i break up now i’ll have no one and i feel like i’ll become miserable and then regret breaking up with him (especially since im at a age where all my friends are getting engaged and im the only single one!! :(

    #443110 Reply
    Khadija

    Keeping a man around because you fear being alone is not a good reason.
    If, he is temporary let him go and just go out and enjoy yourself.
    It’s summer time and there are plenty of events going on. Look into filling your schedule and trust me you won’t be worried about him. Especially if avaialbe men will be out and about.DOn’t take sand to the beach.

    #443113 Reply
    Gemini615

    “It’s just nice having someone to spend time with, and if i break up now i’ll have no one and i feel like i’ll become miserable and then regret breaking up with him (especially since im at a age where all my friends are getting engaged and im the only single one!!”

    Ok THIS is not the right mindset to have. You said yourself you are commitment phobic right now and don’t really want a relationship so stringing someone else along for your own personal benefit just so you don’t feel lonely is selfish. You need to learn to enjoy your own company; you do not need a man around to make you feel better. If you feel miserable being alone than that’s a whole different bag of issues.

    I would suggest you don’t initiate any contact with this guy and when he reaches out to make plans just kindly tell him you are not interested in seeing him anymore. Please do not continue to see him just to fill whatever void you think you have. That is very unfair to him and you shouldn’t waste his time when he could go off and meet someone else he’s more compatible with.

    #443119 Reply
    Sandra P

    loll i knew you guys would say that. and i know you’re right. and im not necessarily afraid of being alone, but i’ll just miss having him around, cuz he does make me happy when im with him and everything is fine until the cheque arrives.

    so if i tell him i think we should stop seeing each other, and he asks why and if there’s anything he can do to fix it –what do i say?

    (btw he wants to meet up tomorrow)

    #443122 Reply
    Gemini615

    Just be honest. Say you feel like your lifestyles are too different and you ultimately don’t think you’re a good match for each other. You don’t want to get too specific by saying you need someone who is your equal or something like that because that is emasculating.

    #443123 Reply
    Anna

    This reminds me so much of Miranda and Steve from Sex and the City!!! Lady lawyer and penny-pinching boyfriend :)

    This is truly a matter of being in two different places in your life. That is certainly a gap that can be closed if his attitude can be open to a discussion about how uncomfortable you are starting to feel towards the subject of money. I work in financial management and make a really nice salary, and for a couple of months last year I dated a guy who was really in a tough spot financially. I tried very hard to show him that money does not matter to me by doing cheap or free things, or paying every now and then. BUT…once I started paying every now and then, he started expecting for me to pay for a lot of things. My last straw was when he came directly out and told me to go and get him a beer while we were at a baseball game. I told him that I had bought the tickets plus the first round, so maybe he could grab this round. His response was, and I quote, “What…all that I am worth to you is one beer?” And he chuckled about it, but you could kind of tell that he was mostly serious. I went from being okay with our dynamic to instantly turned off and could not wait to Bye Felicia him. I turned on my heel and told him that I was no one’s Sugar Momma and that I was walking home. And I did just that!

    This will probably not happen to you, but I do think that once they get a taste for you always paying, he will want it to happen more and more. If it bothers you now, it will probably really bother you in the future once the honeymoon phase has worn off. I would talk to him about it openly and honestly and not be afraid to walk away if he is not receptive.

    #443129 Reply
    BriLyse

    Hmmm, I don’t mind paying when I go out but I’m not used to a guy expecting it. I had one guy ask ME out my friend and his friend went. Me and my homegirl wanted to stay home and chill, it was HIS idea to go out and when the bill came he asked for separate checks. I got pissed off and wrote him off. I felt it was rude, if you ask a woman out be prepared to pay, unless previously discussed otherwise. Period. Who raised these men?

    Then another guy when I was in high school took me to Burger King, and looked at me when we got to the window. We wound up driving off without the food, although I had the money to buy it. It was just the principle. He got wrote off too.

    Now there was this other guy that told me soon as I got in the car, that his money is tight but he really wanted to spend time with me. He asked if he could buy the dinner and I buy the movie tickets. No problem. Another guy asked if we could stay in and he would order wings, because he was short on his rent. Those are every once in a while type of situations not every single time.
    I make good money too in my job. The guy I like now doesn’t make the type of money I make but he doesn’t have my bills either which leaves him with more money to play with. However right now he’s trying to buy a house with his cousin, so he pays sometimes and sometimes I pay without question.
    You have to tell him what’s going through your mind he is not a mind reader. Let him know it would be nice if he picked up the tabs every now and then. Tell him you don’t mind leaving the tip sometimes, but you don’t feel it’s right that when out with your “man” you’re coming out the pocket ALL the time or even MOST of the time. Also, if you know his money is funny might I suggest you pick places that are more affordable. Don’t go to a spot where the plates are $30 and up unless your going to pay your half, that’s called meeting the brotha half way if you really like him. Hell take him to Applebee’s. If he can’t afford Applebee’s he has no business dating. He needs to get his life in order first.

    #443131 Reply
    Sandra P

    Yah! i would rather us go to an affordable restaurant than an expensive restaurant too…but sometimes i think he tries to impress me by taking me to some fancy restaurant and then I end up paying for my own share…so it’s like wtf. And i also have student debts to pay, so it’s not like i have a ton of money to spend either!

    I think what really bugged me was our last date — the bill came out to $100 something–and im fine with splitting this since it’s expensive..BUT THE DRINK..THE $10 DRINK….i cant believe he took my money!!

    Like im trying to figure out if he had more money would he still act like this–is he just cheap by nature?!

    #443150 Reply
    Em

    No matter how much or little a man has he should be generous with his creativity.

    I don’t care if you live in the big city or the boondocks…there are lots of activities you can do on a low budget.

    #443158 Reply
    Anne

    This is really unfair. Stop offering to pay and then resenting him for it. You’ve now trained him that you will pay for yourself – why is that his fault for now expecting it??

    This is a real problem in relationships these days. The guy is in an impossible situation if you offer to stump up – he’s afraid he will insult you if he doesn’t take the money, did you ever consider that? So he’s cursed if he takes it and cursed if he doesn’t.

    If a man asks me out I do not offer to pay on the first date. I thank him for a lovely time and tell him I appreciate it. I compliment him on the choice of restaurant and remark on how much I liked the wine or the appetizer or something in particular. I’m completely present and focused on him. I made sure to look nice. Men want to work to earn your affections… you have to let them.

    This isn’t the guy for you and you know it. He’s just a placeholder and that isn’t fair to him and it blocks a good man coming in for you. I don’t think actually you would have any problem committing if this guy treated you better. So you can keep your “commitment issues” going by dating someone there is no way you can commit to… catch my drift? Step up and solve this NOW before it gets to be a lifelong habit.

    #443160 Reply
    JR

    I am with Gemini615 on telling him that you have different lifestyles. I am pretty old fashioned as well. I agree with Khadija on not paying unless I really really want to, like a movie lol. My guy there’s no hesitation he always grabs the check right away. Sometimes when he doesn’t look at it, I grab for it but then he ends up paying. I don’t ever ask to split it if I like him ever. When I’m not interested in a man I’ll ask if they want to split it.

    I’ve been in your situation, however his $ was going towards child support so he didn’t have much to go off of but he would at least make an effort. It was hard to get used to and in my heart I knew I wasn’t happy. There’s tons of men who are nice and you’ll make more $ then them but find someone who is equal or the provider. It will happiness on both sides.

    My dad told me, “I’m sure he’s nice, but find someone who has a career, who has a future. There’s a nice man out there who has both”

    #443193 Reply
    Rose

    Seems like he doesn’t care if he impresses you. I personally run away from this type of men. I don’t feel comfortable on dates with them. I don’t want a dude to support me but they should be making an effort even if you have a better paying job.

    My ex husband was a student and had no job when we met but would do stuff around the house for his father and ask for money to take me out.

    #443195 Reply
    SnarkySab

    Sandra P,

    If you decide to end it with him and he asks why, you could simply say, “I’m still paying off my student loans and I’ve discovered that I just can’t afford to keep dating like I have been. I really hope I can get the loans paid off and have more money for fun things in a year or so!”

    This tells him that money is a problem for you, but it isn’t accusatory; it’s simply stating a fact.

    #443198 Reply
    Maria

    Funny how we, ladies, all agree on this subject! lol

    #443199 Reply
    Khadija

    BriLyse- I’m still at my desk cracking up about this…good one!

    Then another guy when I was in high school took me to Burger King, and looked at me when we got to the window. We wound up driving off without the food, although I had the money to buy it. It was just the principle. He got wrote off too.

    #443213 Reply
    redcurleysue

    A man wants to be a provider…that is my opinion. And if he is not a provider there is a problem.

    That said, a man can take me for a long walk and and ice cream if that is all he can afford…that is not a problem…but hell no I am not going to pay. No way.

    #443221 Reply
    Sandra P

    oh man i did not realize that it was norm for guys to pay for dates, i always felt guilty when a guy paid! I totally need to change my attitude about this!!!

    Okay update, so as i said, we’re supposed to meet tomorrow and watch a movie. Again, he was suggesting places to have dinner and he suggested this moderately pricey place. I texted back asking how much dinner would cost and said im not sure if i can do dinner cuz i’ve been spending way too much money lately while going out.

    The answer i was hoping for was “Don’t worry, it’ll be my treat”
    The answer i got from him “it’s okay, we dont have to do dinner then”

    Thoughts?!

    #443223 Reply
    Gemini615

    Look, he’s either not in a position to step it up financially or he just doesn’t want to. I don’t see that changing.

    You can continue on with this struggle or just end it amicably and you both move on to better options.

    #443224 Reply
    Miss_Aspiring

    Oy vey. This is not working for you. This guy is driving you crazy. Break it off! You don’t have to tell him it’s about money. It’s a very sensitive topic for many people (especially guys). You can say the thing about the different lifestyles — or you feel the spark isn’t there anymore — or you don’t think it’s a good match chemistry-wise. All of these things are true, right?

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 102 total)
Reply To: The guy i'm dating is cheap–and it's a turn-off, should we break-up?
Your information:





<blockquote> <code> <pre> <em> <strong> <ul> <ol start=""> <li>

recent topics