This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Nadine 6 days, 18 hours ago.
April 19, 2022 at 4:40 am #932753
So I had 3 dates with this guy I’ve met online, he is 36 and I am 32, he has a daughter but she doesn’t live with him and he is also busy doing his masters.
I obviously dated guys before but this one is a bit strange, he can arrange the date, time and place and be there but not even text me that he is on his way etc.
He also said to me that he is busy writing his essay , yet he was happy to spend a whole Sunday with me.
My main concern is that he doesn’t really text much between dates, he usually asks about my day around 6pm and we text a little bit but nothing more than that. He also said his daughter will be staying with him this week but he can find time to see me this week if I wanted.
I don’t want to text him too much because I know he’s got some deadlines at uni and I am not really the one to text first , but I did it once and he responded straight away.
Saying that he pretty much texted me everyday but again it is more to check what I have been up to and confirm what we are doing when we meet.
He also said to me that he was planning on going on holiday and he had a female friend he was meant to go with , but he told he’d rather go with me and that he didn’t feel it was appropriate to go with another woman if he wanted to continue seeing me.
I have dated some players before so I take everything with a pinch of salt, but I am keen to know what do you think of his texting habits. and just want to point out that his texting has been the same since date 1.
thank youApril 19, 2022 at 5:52 am #932754
Some people really ain’t big texters for real. If it’s been like this since day one likely it will not change. But if he responds in a timely manner and is communicative it shouldn’t be a problem.
I don’t see any red flags however I personally would not be able to date a man this busy simply because he has other priorities that he should indeed be putting first, meaning you won’t be hearing from him as often as you’d like. Now if you do not need his attention all that lot and have a busy life as well then you will work out perfectly.April 19, 2022 at 10:33 am #932756
I think you found a nice guy who’s not into texting and uses it in a functional way — he still texts you every day, even once. If his actions outside of texting still show he’s interested, just go with it.
Texting is just a small part of a relationship. Are you looking for something wrong? Glass half empty? Are you not feeling connected to him and possibly think it’s because of the texting?
I’m not sure why this would be an issue other than lack of connection. Know this though — he’s not going to change, this is how he is. You just have to decide if you’re content with it.April 19, 2022 at 2:01 pm #932757
Along as he is respectful, setting up dates, prompt on date arrival, and keeping you clued into his life, it is all good. Just a little adjustment of your mind is needed in that you need to not put any weight on whether he texts you.April 21, 2022 at 5:44 am #932782
i agree with mama. dont see any red flags here.April 21, 2022 at 10:46 am #932786
This seems like a lot of overthinking to me, for being only 3 dates in.
“He also said to me that he is busy writing his essay , yet he was happy to spend a whole Sunday with me.”– you can’t appreciate the fact that he’s busy with his degree work but made time to spend a day with you?
I agree with what mama and Trixie wrote. Texting is just one small part of a relationship. Some guys will text a woman all day but never take her out or make time for her. This guy is using texting in a functional way to communicate, but more importantly is making time to see you and enjoy your company.
It feels like you’re looking for problems here. If you don’t feel a connection, that’s fine– that’s what dating is for, to figure out if someone is a good fit for you. A guy can be a nice person and still not be right for you.April 22, 2022 at 5:40 am #932799
hi, thank you!
I agree maybe I was overthinking it, it’s mainly because my dating life has not been that great!
But it is reassuring that you ladies don’t see any red flags here :)April 23, 2022 at 1:43 pm #932851
Why do you think evaluating his texting habits is important?
What important thing do you think it’s telling you?
What are you trying to figure out here? What is it you want to see?April 25, 2022 at 5:30 am #932897
I don’t think evaluating his texting habits is important hah I just feel like I was used to something different and it made me think that this guy is either not into texting or he is taking is slow.
I do have to say that he now texts me more , I feel like for women it is more validation thing than anything else . texting makes us feel wanted as weird as it sounds. But I know someone giving us their time is more important than texting.April 25, 2022 at 8:45 am #932907
Great answer, OK thank you.
The reason I asked is to get at the root, and I think you said it perfectly: “I feel like for women it is more validation thing than anything else . texting makes us feel wanted as weird as it sounds.”
So the question behind the question is “Am I wanted? Is there love here? Is there a problem, am I losing him?”
How he texts isn’t going to show you that.
And texting isn’t the place that creates it, either.
Let me give you an analogy.
Let’s say you owned a skincare business where you gave facials.
You start getting mediocre reviews on the business on your Yelp or Google or wherever.
You would logically think, “OK, there’s a problem in the business that I have to fix.”
That just makes sense right? The problem isn’t that people leave bad reviews. The problem is something happening before, and that leads to the bad reviews.
For some reason, that same logic isn’t applied to the typical relationship discussions online when it comes to relationships…
When he’s not showing signs of interest, OK… it indicates there’s a problem. But the problem is not the signs. The problem is somewhere in the relationship itself that leads to the signs!
What’s the problem that led to those signs? What’s missing? What’s wrong?
What makes a man want to connect and commit? Is that happening?
Sure, when you’re seeing good signs and you feel good, everything is great!
But when his texts fall off or it feels like he’s pulling away, that’s when your true level of confidence in your ability to create a connection shows.
That’s why I bring the focus there in my posts. When you know what creates connection with a man, you won’t worry about signs.
You’ll know things are on the right track because you’ll be focused on the right things. You’ll be having the right kinds of conversations and building the right kind of dynamic.
Everyone has moods, everyone has things come up that pull our attention away, everyone has competing priorities in their life.
If you know that your time together is naturally building his bond with you, you won’t notice the unimportant variations in his behavior. You won’t look to his texting or validating words as the indication of his true feelings.
In fact, when a man feels you’re a woman that looks to his words for validation, he’s going to fall into a habit of just telling you what you want to hear (because he doesn’t want to deal with drama or insecurity from the woman).
On the other hand, when he feels a connection to you where you are an integral part of his journey in life, you’ll feel the true depth of his love.
I think that’s a big part of why all of this is so confusing for women… they look for validation, so the guy feeds them empty validation…
She can feel the emptiness of it, but he’s doing and saying the right things… and it becomes a vicious cycle of looking to the wrong signs for his true feelings.
I’m going to give you the ultimate validating signs. Ready?
You’re either in his life or you’re not.
You’re either a main character in his journey or you’re not.
You’re either an essential partner in his world or you’re not.
THAT is the only question that matters.
Forget all this 25 signs he cares about you listicle crap. It’s useless noise, it doesn’t create results for you.
What I listed above will center you on what creates results.
Now you’re not going to become a main character in his story overnight. It happens gradually.
For a man, that’s what dating is. Every interaction is auditioning for the role of a main character in the journey of his life.
He’ll have fun dates with you regardless. He’ll have sex with you regardless.
But the real make-or-break factor is if he sees you as a woman that can fill that role of essential main character partner in the journey of his life.
Very, very different mindset than 99% of women have. Our culture doesn’t talk about it, media doesn’t talk about it, social media doesn’t talk about it and men don’t talk about it openly (they don’t want to be ridiculed or attacked).
But that’s it. That’s the truth of dating. Aim for that.
April 25, 2022 at 8:58 am #932909
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Eric Charles.
That’s a great response Eric. However, could you shed light on what creates a deep connection with men. My love doesn’t talk or say much. There aren’t a lot of interactions. He just shuts down when I try to go deep.April 25, 2022 at 9:41 am #932912
The question is no longer ” What creates a deep connection”.
I think one should wonder “Do I want a deep connection with this person?”.
And, if you feel something is off “Do I love myself enough to let go and let great possibilities come to me, whether it’s with that specific guy or not?”
You deserve love. It’s OK if “he” does not see you as his potential life partner. When you’re in the right mental and emotional place, that won’t matter, whether he texts you regularly or not. You will barely notice that. You will be deeply convinced that you’ll find the right person for you. And you’ll behave accordingly.April 25, 2022 at 10:12 am #932914
So a man’s experience of life is one of striving against challenges to succeed in something meaningful to him.
That’s true when he feels like he’s winning and that’s still true when he’s feeling defeated.
It’s true when he’s in a relationship and it’s still true if he’s single.
A man’s primary relationship will always be with that experience of his life: his journey towards achieving meaning and purpose.
Now men are attracted to women. Men want sex with women.
So a man will go out with you, spend quality time with you, date you and have sex with you regardless.
However, just because a man interacts with you doesn’t mean he feels any connection to you in his heart.
His heart is in his journey through life. His heart is in his striving towards winning in the parts of life that are meaningful to him.
So the closer you are to that, the closer you are to his heart.
Men have very vulnerable hearts.
Men commit suicide at a far higher rate than women. The sensitivity and vulnerability is very real, hence it makes sense that men guard their hearts because it really is a life or death matter for him.
So a man’s default state is not to be open about what’s truly most meaningful to him.
So if the beginning impression of him is that he’s closed and doesn’t share much… yeah, that’s normal.
And even the guys who share openly at first won’t share the deepest stuff… they’ll share the stuff that’s maybe semi-deep but leave out what’s actually vulnerable in them.
Men are either pushing their edge towards the meaningful things they want to achieve… or they’re in some stage of recentering themselves after a setback/defeat.
Feeling defeated is agony for a man. And even if he’s winning, there’s pressure not to lose so he’ll even still mask aspects of his winning in order to have cover when there’s setbacks that knock him down.
If a man feels that a woman will make his losing more difficult, he will guard and hide all meaningful areas of his life from her. She will be like a satellite or accessory outside of his life, separated away so she can’t do any damage.
So he’s watching you at every stage to see what kind of woman you’d be when he’s feeling weak and defeated.
Are you a woman he can be honest around when he’s feeling vulnerable, weak and out of control?
Are you a woman who’s mindful of his heart in public?
Can he trust you to receive hearing his rawest, most wild, most uncivilized emotions?
Will you punish him for expressing his truth if its something you don’t like?
There’s a lot of questions like this, but they all center around: Is this a woman who will make my life better or worse when I’m losing?
And on the other side, the big question in his heart is: Is this a woman who brings out the winner in me?
Does she inspire greatness in me?
Does she help me feel better about my life and my possibilities to win?
Does she understand what’s deeply meaningful and important to me?
When a man sees that you’re a woman who “brings out the winner” in him, that makes him want to open up more to you.
Think about it.
What’s really the purpose of relationships between men and women?
It’s meant to be a beautiful cycle, where men and women complement each other.
The man’s winning, inspiration and ambition manifests in the outer world.
But it’s the woman who’s uniquely suited to help him navigate his emotionally inner world.
Men have to deal with their emotions, but they are not good with navigating that world.
If a woman is able to gracefully help him navigate that inner world in a way where he ends up feeling like a winner, he will want to move closer to that woman.
Helping him access that “winner” within himself is an emotional process.
In sports, this is part of what coaches do for their players. And in love, women do this for men and their “sport” is life.
Bringing out the winner in him is what pushes his love button. It’s what makes him move towards deeper connection and commitment because the closer he gets to you, the better the most meaningful parts of his life become.
He will want to open up to her more and bring her closer to his heart, because his heart is in his winning and his connection with her brings him closer to winning.
Am I making sense here?
May 12, 2022 at 3:07 am #933362
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Eric Charles.
so it has been over a month now of seeing this guy, he now texts me daily.
He recently started asking me questions like: if we continue to get along and like each other what would I want from a relationship, would I want to marry and have kids , how would I feel if he was sent away for work , would I take him home one day(my home is in another country) to meet my parents.
Is this a good indication that he might be taking this seriously?May 12, 2022 at 9:56 am #933384
How often do you see the guy in person? You say he texts daily, but how often does he take you out?
Are his interactions with you escalating? I’m not just talking about texting, I’m talking about him asking to see you more, taking you out, getting physical with you in an appropriate way, etc. If a guy is getting serious about a woman, his actions show it.May 12, 2022 at 10:02 am #933387
we usually see each other whenever we have time, so weekends or one day during the week, so I would say about 2 times a week sometimes 3 , last time I saw him was this Tuesday and before that we spent Saturday and Sunday together. He wanted to see me Monday , Tuesday and Wednesday this week but I had other plans and in general I thought it might be a bit too much …May 12, 2022 at 11:13 am #933395
“He recently started asking me questions like: if we continue to get along and like each other what would I want from a relationship, would I want to marry and have kids , how would I feel if he was sent away for work , would I take him home one day(my home is in another country) to meet my parents.
Is this a good indication that he might be taking this seriously?”
Excellent. Yes, these are good signs!
But remember what I said before about signs. It means you’re doing something right upstream that’s leading to the texting and the questions about what a relationship would look like!
So this is sounding good. Let’s talk about some things to consider from here:
First, it’s important that you have a great overall foundation of what a great relationship is.
Let’s make this clear, and then your actions and choices will flow from that overall vision.
A great relationship is a great partnership, where you bring out each other’s best.
So one thing you can establish before you answer these questions is to express what you believe is a great relationship.
And here would be the things I would say (again, this is me, I’m just putting ideas out there obviously don’t say this unless it fits for you, your wishes, your personality, etc.):
– I think relationships work because the two people bring out the best in each other.
– That happens because they’re able to understand each other.
– They each know that they can let their guard down and express themselves. They might not always agree with each other, but they can fully hear each other and consider each other, then they find a way forward from there.
– But more than that, they know what the other person wants deeply and they support it. They help them get in touch with the best parts of themselves, so life feels good… so the bad times aren’t as bad and the good times are really good.
– Really, a good relationship is about serving something bigger than each individual person in the relationship. We are partners in making a great relationship and with everything we do, we consider, “what’s great for the relationship?”
– And the relationship itself exists to help us create a better life than we ever could on our own. We support the relationship and the relationship supports us having our best life.
Establishing that sort of thing is a big help in framing this for both of you. Then there’s a purpose towards all of this. There’s a shared value. There’s meaning. There’s something bigger that you’re both building and contributing towards every day.
And it takes it beyond just two people trying to get what they want from each other. It untangles each of you from personal conflict and self-centered thinking. The big question is “what’s good for the relationship?” and what’s good for the relationship ends up being good for the people in it!
Once something like this is established, it helps frame everything you say.
You should be honest about what you want in regards to his specific questions.
I know women might be afraid to just flat out say what they want with some of these things, but frankly if the relationship won’t give you what you want for these most important items, then it SHOULD end!
Think about it. It’s obvious, but sometimes we miss the obvious if we get blinded by the emotional fear of losing the relationship.
What’s best for the relationship? Telling him plainly what you want!
Then he can collaborate with you to create those things.
He’ll do the best he can. That doesn’t always mean he’ll do everything you want the way you want it, but if he’s doing the best he can then that’s great. That’s all you can expect.
Hope that’s helpful.
I’m glad to hear this recent update, this is sounding good!May 20, 2022 at 6:48 pm #933768
Just wanted to update you !
We are now in the relationship!
Thank you very much for your help