Is he scared or just not into me?

I remember your story. I learn a lot from reading here and I stop dating the wrong men because of what I read. I date nice men now and I show this site to my cousins and they learn too. The same stories here all the time, I’m sad for the ones who aren’t able to learn like me. They want to be right. They think men are like women. They want love and they go to it all wrong.

Yes, everyone has a story they tell themselves…and that is how they live. If you want to change your life you have to change your story….interesting isn’t it?

And I have always enjoyed Lane’s advice. Her father taught her well. It is too bad that women do not have a mentor to understand men better so that they “get it”.

I do know that women who make a man the center of their universe to the point that their identity and life revolves around him will be hurt or at the very least disappointed with the outcome. It follows as well that letting the man make all the decisions when it comes to a relationship is not in the woman’s best interests…she has to decide if this man matches what she wants out of life…without making a choice about that she is not taking responsibility for her life.

I love Lane!

Lane, be my adopted mom!

@Georgia, you are so right. I was thinking the exact same thing about him. I can understand that people end up disappointing him – I’m actually kind of the same way. I go out of my way like crazy for the people I love, only to realize they won’t do the same for me when I really need them. And it hurts. At one point I was really hesitant to let new people into my life because I felt like they would end up letting me down. But then I decided I wouldn’t judge anybody just because of other people’s shortcomings. So. That’s what I told him when he said that. That I felt like if that was his expectation of someone new trying to come into his life, then he would never allow someone to show him that they wouldn’t let him down. That made him completely silent (he’s mostly talking all the time) and he just stared at me like I’d just solved a puzzle for him.

I do ask him a lot of questions about life, dreams and goals and things like that. He seems to really think long and hard when I ask him about stuff, and sometimes when I give my input he seems genuinely excited about it and will then ask a lot of questions the other way. If this is all a game he has perfected, he is one good actor and should be hired for the next big Blockbuster ASAP! Haha. ;)

@Selene – thank you for your response and for taking the time to share your insight, even though you often don’t. Thank you! I would be very surprised if he was a closeted gay, haha! But I guess you can never know … To your other points: as I wrote in my last post here, he reminds me a lot of my father when I was growing up. Same strong mind, communication style, clean, well put together, charismatic and someone people listen to. But at the same time with a low self-esteem and very hung up on what other people are thinking of them. Regarding him wanting a relationship, he’s very mixed here too. He speaks in a negative way about his friends who are in relationships, but at the same time he speaks warmly of his parents and he talks a lot about how he wants marriage and kids – he talks a lot about kids, actually. I’ve seen him with some of his friend’s kids and they adore him and he’s very good with them (which really warmed my heart to see – and I’ve never really wanted kids before).

@Kayla – the highs are amazing, as you’ve said. I’ve had the best days (and nights) with this man and nobody has ever made me feel as amazing, sexy and safe as he has. And yes, they make up for the lows. They really do. It’s a terrible rollercoaster! It’s so scary to see you explain this! Yes – nothing is ever his fault. He was talking about wanting to do a career change, and I told him he could do it and that I thought he would do very well because he’s such a hard worker. But no; he saw a lot of problems and other people were almost holding him back. Ugh. He plays the victim a lot. Which is not really sexy. I try to encourage him, though. But if it’s a serious disorder that might be a waste of time …

@Cristine – Thank you. I agree with you. I’m already very invested in him, and when I talk to him I’ll at least know for sure where he stands. If I was to just cut him off right now, I would always wonder “did I give up too easily? Could we have been more?”. And I feel like I would keep my dignity. Being vulnerable scares me, but uncertainty scares me even more. So. I’m sure it will work out. Somehow.

@Sophia – definitely. I only know the story from his point of view, so I don’t even know if he cheated as well. Only he and she know. My first bf left me for someone else, so I do know the feeling of being cheated on though. And my dad cheated on my mom. But you’re right, he might have been a terrible boyfriend to her. All I know is that he was jealous and possessive – but he justifies it because he was right and she cheated.

You’re so right: I’m in love with his potential. Or the person I’ve seen on numerous occasions. And the thought of seeing that side of him again keeps me hooked. Which I realize sounds like madness. It might even be madness. I will have to let you know once I’ve talked to him.

@Lane – you’re lucky to have had a good dad to guide you! I’ve never talked to my dad about love and relationships, his love life has always been messy. He can be amazing to women, but he’s also controlling, he cheats and he can ignore them like a mad person. I’ve seen this happen all my life, and I’ve never asked him for his advice on men. I don’t think I would want it. So I appreciate your advice! Really. I’m just wondering: in your opinion, is there ever a time where you should give a man a chance? I feel like of course, you should want a man who treats you right, but can you really expect that of a guy you’ve just met (not talking about my situation right now; I realize he’s not acting right)? I feel like sometimes some women push men away because they want them to treat them amazingly even though they barely know each other. And it just confuses me! What is your take on that?

@Pandora – I won’t force myself on him! I will talk to him, like an adult and sort out some things. But you are right, he definitely needs to change his story and see that he’s also at fault for people disappointing him. I have made that point clear to him though.

@Hannah – I’m sorry about your friend. They sound a lot alike, yes. What a waste of a good man, haha! :) My guy is not beautiful in the classic sense. Had I seen a photo of him first, I probably would have said that he’s not my type at all. But there is something about him in real life that I just can’t explain. His body is amazing though, and he is really charming. But I’ve met cuter guys for sure. It’s not about his looks for me. Of course now he’s the most gorgeous man in my eyes – haha!

I can’t believe somebody stayed with your friend for 4 years! That’s a long time. I hope I won’t allow myself to do that. Ugh. I can’t believe how broken she was after 4 years! It’s been 4 months for me, and I’m already fed up! ;) My plan is to not continue if he keeps blowing hot and cold. I hope I have the strength to leave if that’s the case. But first I will see where he stands. I know you told me not to. But I can’t do this anymore …

Thank you guys! I will keep you updated on this …

Melody, I think most of the ladies were spot on in their advice and it seems that you are going to approach him ANYWAY. I would advise you not to as well, but there are exceptions to every rules and I have been friends with men that have been “won” by women that were chasing them. (But let me tell you, these men were no prizes to be had…no job, alcoholics, etc…ewww).

One thing I would like you to consider when the dust has settled…do you have a past history of some sort of abuse?

The reason I am asking is because victims of abuse will often inappropriately confront people who have abused and rejected them in the past seeking some sort of acknowledgement, validation, etc, that based on the person’s previous actions they will NOT get. Instead of just walking away like an emotionally healthy person.

My thoughts are, from an objective standpoint, ignoring you in the gym after the times you’ve shared together is downright RUDE. That’s emotional abuse. If a casual acquaintance with whom you were NOT emotionally invested treated you like that, what would your reaction be? “Screw her. Who needs her anyway.”

Not run after them and confess your feelings.

I don’t care what someone’s excuses are for treating another person badly. At some point you need to take responsibility for your actions. “He’s scared of how deeply he’s falling for him so he’s treating me like cold crap. That’s okay.” No. It’s not okay.

However, everyone has their own journey and everything is a learning experience and no one can predict what will happen. Following your heart doesn’t necessarily mean you will be successful in that endeavor. Sometimes it means just putting a needed ending to a chapter of your life so you can successfully move on.

Sweet Ellen
Don’t be a hater. Besides, I may not say many words, but I’m usually spot on in my observations. Xxx

Melody, you sound like me! I have been lucky in relationships and with my family. I expect everyone to treat me well and I get confused when they don’t. As most women do, I have a tendancy to want to understand and “rescue” people too. The trouble is these good attributes can be our downfall too because we can be too understanding or too willing to accept bad behaviour. We always want to find the good in people!

Take my friend I mentioned as an example. So many women see the same potential in him I did. He would make an amazing partner. But when you get to know him, you see he’s a mess. He had a weird childhood and now has a strange idea about women. His mother was stunning and was out every night with a different man when he was a child, leaving him alone. He has 3 siblings all with different fathers. I don’t think he respects women and has a resentment towards them as a result of his mother, but it also drawn to them and partly wants to find “the one” who can make him feel the love he’s never had. That is something he’d have to fix with intense therapy. He’d also want to have to want to fix it, but actually he’s quite happy living the celebrity lifestyle and having FWBs that adore him but never ask for too much. I knew to walk away but some women only see the potential, not that he’d have to want to and work to fix himself on a deeper level than they even understand.

You have to know your limitations and what you will accept. But you also have to look at a man as he is, right now. Not at what could possibly be.

Pandora why do you “have” to defend someone who is so callous? It doesn’t matter how short she says it, it’s very unkind at the expense of someone who genuinely seeks help here. And I very much disagree, she’s not right most of the time she’s just sarcastic. She used to just pop up here and there and it could be funny but now she’s here almost daily dumping on people. There used to be an admin here who showed up occasionally and now it seems there is no one watching ever.

Maria gave good advice. Ask him where he stands and then decide what to do based on his answer. If it works out, great. If not, at least you tried. Nothing worse than wondering what if because you were too scared to just ask!

@Maria

I myself have never emotionally manipulated , or played games with a poster..and as far as I have witnessed, the majority of others haven’t either.

Each of us come from different walks of life, childhood backgrounds, countries, states..whatever.. and each of us have had different life experiences…both positive and negative.

I think most of us give our best shot at advice, based on how we interpret a poster’s troubling issue…..

A poster can only give us such limited info, and their question is entirely one sided.

Furthermore, to judge many of as useless failures in our own relationships, based on our responses to posters questions, is not only judgmental, but downright nasty.

I have to say, I don’t always agree with Lane, but she takes the high road which is something that I struggle with. She doesn’t take the trolls personally or stoop down to their level. And the other day someone said something about her looking old which I think was meant to be an insult (and I almost said something, because I don’t think she looks old at all) but she didn’t take it that way. She has confidence.

Maria, I think you need to sometimes think about the way you’re phrasing things. The other day I responded to a poster and you then tried to negate my opinion by saying “Consider the source, poor Shannon has had an awful time of it,” which I thought was degrading and condescending and I ignored.

And when the poster came back and it turned out I was right, I actually had a hard time not saying “I guess the bad source was right,” but I didn’t because it would only upset the OP further when she probably felt bad enough.

Again, I don’t agree with your advice always either but we all have different experiences and viewpoints. Unfortunately mine comes from “I know what men say when they’re trying to get rid of you because I’ve heard it all.”

We all have something to contribute, whether or not we’ve had overwhelming success in our relationships, through our experiences.

Shannon– ok, point taken- I can see how it came across that way and I apologize.

I frequent another relationship forum (reddit) and the advice is so much different, that I still maintain “consider the source” is totally valid, and some of the best advice about advice. On the other forum it’s all “healthy relationships are about communication” and men saying things like “don’t wait for him to chase you all the time, men like to be chased too”. It’s just a totally different vibe there for whatever reason.

When I was considering whether or not to get back with my ex, people in my life had different opinions. Mom’s was “be careful!” which makes sense from a Mom. Best friend’s was “I think you guys are meant to be!” but she’s a hopeless romantic… male friend who has a crush on me, well, you can guess.

The only place if ever received truly neutral advice is from a therapist.

I’m sure mine is not neutral either– which is why I always try to include where i’m personally coming from in my response. For example with this one, because I’ve had someone tenderly dismantle my walls, I’m more optimistic on this issue than some might be. And because I’m highly independent and don’t like texting all day I tend to tell people to chill if they haven’t heard from a guy in a couple of days.– but then, yes, a few times it has turned out the guy WAS fading and I was wrong.
I have no problem admitting when I’ve been wrong.

I think Pandora gave the greatest advice.

Melody, go for it if you think this is the thing to do. The biggest worry is that you may face explicit rejection, which you could avoid if you gave it more time. But maybe it’s better for you to get it all sorted soon.I don’t think you’re chasing him, I think you’re standing up for yuorself. It is a risk – you are risking rejection. But it also shows very strong boundaries.

On a different note… what is it, all the discussions about L or Lane? I love input from both Lane’s and L’s, I think they are unique and very helpful. Why going off topic to discuss their private lives?

Maria, everyone should always consider their source of advice – this doesn’t mean that you have to humiliate others.

Actually I have once heard an opinion of a very famous psychologist – that it is very bad to listen to your friends advice, even worse to go to online forums. The presumption obviously was that people don’t know a half of the story, that other posters are projecting etc. I see his point, but I also don’t see anything wrong with trying to get other people’s opinions. You always have to consider your source, and take into accunt that people only know a small bit. But it still can be useful to you. On this or any other forum. I don’t see a point in making a point of it – any reasonable human being will take this (all the differences, the limits of online communication) into account.

Good luck OP! You sound stable and reasonable. I am optimistic, meaning I think you will do what is best for you.