Is he scared or just not into me?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Is he scared or just not into me?

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  • #630078 Reply
    Melody

    @Alia – why do you think I want to make him see the light? I don’t. I’m very well aware of the fact that nobody can change him but himself. And you’re right, he needs professional counseling to work through his issues, but that would never work unless he himself acknowledges that he has issues that he needs help fixing. For the foreseeable future, I don’t see that happening. He is very much in a victim’s mindset and blames the people and society around him for his problems. I could never fix that, nor would I want to try to.

    I respect that and the way he feels has nothing to do with my self-esteem. Why would I think that way? I fell in love with him because he’s the most passionate person I’ve ever met. The subjects he cares about he invests 100% in and he can talk for hours about it. It really threw me off, because I initially thought he was pretty superficial. But his outlook on life and what we fill it with was so interesting to me, and we could bounce off each other like nobody I’ve ever met before.

    How is that codependent? My self-esteem is not hurt that he doesn’t want a relationship. It’s his choice and I can find it sad, but I know it has nothing to do with me. My self-esteem is doing fine, but my heart isn’t. I think that’s a very normal reaction to something like this.

    Xx Melody

    #630079 Reply
    Crisula

    I thought you were going to talk with him today, for the last time

    didn’t he say Sunday?

    #630080 Reply
    Melody

    @Crisula – he did. Or he said “Maybe Sunday” because apparently, he doesn’t want to commit to any plans. But I’m 99.9% sure that it would require me to text him first, and then he probably wouldn’t respond or he would turn me down. And do I really want to put myself through that? I’m not sure.

    But I would love your input on that, actually. :)

    #630081 Reply
    Shoshannah

    Yes, what Crisula asked! Did you changed your mind? (on talking to him? and decided to write a never sending leter instead?) good for you!

    #630084 Reply
    Shoshannah

    I only saw your reply now, Melody! Good, good!! Do not have this talk. He didn’t ask for it, it was you who wanted it (obviously, he woulnd’t ask for it, unless you asked). But it’s great that you haven’t. You can send him a text saying ‘I guess there is no point in having this last talk’ – and then block him/not reply. or just leave it, don’t say anything more, ever. I think this would be the best thing to do. and then at the gym pretend you don;t really notice him, if he does, be polite, but cold). It’s really over, for ever. It will be hard, but it’s worth it!

    #630086 Reply
    Melody

    @Shoshannah – I’m actually very confused about that, to be honest. Part of me wants to tell him and go and talk to him, but another part of me doesn’t really want to reach out to him at this point. And the chance of him reaching out to me is pretty slim.

    Wouldn’t I seem kind of desperate to reach out to him? Or is it justified because he suggested Sunday?

    #630087 Reply
    Melody

    @Shoshannah – I guess you’re right. The talk was never for his sake, it was really for mine. What I want to say is not judgemental, I’m not asking him for anything and I actually have some positive things to say to him that I think he would appreciate. But putting myself out there again, and reaching out to him … I don’t know. I would feel ridiculous if he then didn’t respond to my text. And you’re right – he doesn’t want the talk. Because he has convinced himself that I’m going to ask something from him that he can’t (or doesn’t want to) give me.

    #630089 Reply
    Shoshannah

    Melody, I know you are confused, anyone would be. But if you don’t want leave a bad taste in his mounth, do not reach out. I think you can send this one last text saying that there is no point in having the last talk, and that you appreciate what you’ve had. (because you wanted the talk in the firt place… – but after how he acted you are justified to not want this talk any more). do not have any last talk. all has been said and made clear. so now it is only about if you let him know that you are not having this talk or if you let it die without any explanation. I would say something if I wree you. i would say ‘I guess it wasn’t the best idea to talk again. I wish you all the best!’ but it doesn;t really matter and it’s entirely up to you. the only thing that matters is that you do not have any more talks and that you realise that it is entirely over, for ever. nothing is going to happen, never. but your life goes on. and you will be your fabuolous self again! just give it time.

    #630090 Reply
    Shoshannah

    And yes. I know that the talk would be for you!! But… he wouldn’t see it this way. for him, it would be crossring his boundaries. Write a letter, send it to us! He doesn’t want to read it. I am sorry, but we are more interested in this letter than he is.

    #630092 Reply
    Melody

    You are probably right. In my mind I just can’t see how I what I want to tell him would make him angry or leave a bad taste in his mouth. I don’t think it will change anything for him, that’s not my agenda, but I feel misunderstood and misjudged and it hurts my feelings. I feel like he is now left with a completely wrong image of me. I don’t know.

    I don’t know if I want to text him something like that. I would be happy to talk to him, and I feel like what you suggested would mean closing it off completely. I’m not sure.

    I won’t see him at the gym for the next month, he has a different schedule. Maybe a month off from him would do me good. Oh God, I’m so confused …

    #630094 Reply
    Crisula

    Melody..

    I’ll tell you what I think…I think this is all fake. I found it odd that you hadn’t brought up Sunday…it was soooo very important to you…

    If this story were true, you would have gone to meet him in a heartbeat, texted him to see if he was going to meet or
    at least mentioned to us that you had decided to back out…yet you didn’t say a word.

    I’ll bet on it that this is Devlin having fun again.

    I think you’re the Devlin chick from the other day.

    #630095 Reply
    Shoshannah

    I tried to post but it won’t let me!! I don’t think it’s fake! Just listen to some (R.I.P) Chris Cornell girls! (Audioslave’s like a stone is my favorite) Good luck Melody, do not explain anything to him again! Explain it to us if you need to.

    #630096 Reply
    Gunger

    You would feel ‘hurt and misjudged?’

    You were in pa five month non relationship, of course you wanted him to be your bf. To say you did not or were willing to wait longer isn’t true. He knew this and that’s why he started pulling back. Most women would get the hint, but instead you showed up at his work.

    I do beleive you have let out convenient facts, because he blew up on you and felt the need to specifically make the point that this ‘relationship’ wasn’t going anywhere. You said he was such a great guy, so I am going to bet that he did this because he was frustrated and had told you this before,

    I don’t know if he has a problem because we only hear your side of the story. This man doesn’t want to be your friend, he said that to compensate for hurting you. Yet based on what you write, you clearly don’t see this as a break up. I can see why he might go off in you in frustration because you still try to spin this as him being the one having issues. Its like you just won’t go away.

    And now you are saying not seeing him for a month at the gym would be good time off from seeing him? He doesn’t want to be with you!! And this BS about still needing to talk? About what? you want to convince him that you don’t want to be a gf but want to get to know him more? That makes no sense.

    Most people don’t just go off on other people. The ‘connection’ you had was not mutual. He apparently felt the only way to get this point finally across to you was to scream it at you. Leave the poor guy alone.

    #630098 Reply
    Kayla

    I agree crisula. Right down to the habit of answering every persons response to her.

    #630099 Reply
    C

    Gunger, I wish I could high 5 you for saying exactly what I was thinking! 6 pages of this BS and she’s still confused?! Confused about what? This man yelled in your face he doesn’t want a relationship and now you want to try to explain to him how he shouldn’t have assumed you wanted to talk about a relationship with him? When all you were telling us for pages was you wanted to talk to him about your relationship and why he was pulling away? You’re more screwed up than he is!!

    #630101 Reply
    Melody

    @Crisula – Seriously? This is not fake! I have a vivid imagination, but this is very much true and I’ve been incredibly honest in this thread – more than I thought I would. But I’ve found a good bunch of people here who have helped me through this. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. So please take your accusations somewhere else. I even don’t know who Devlin is!

    Look. Let me explain why I didn’t bring up Sunday (and I’m on the West Coast, so it’s only about to be 5PM here. He lives at night so the day basically just started for him): Our conversation Friday night pretty much went something like this:

    Him, in his car about to leave: “Did I explain myself clear enough?”
    Me: “Yes, but you didn’t let me talk so I still want to talk to you.”
    “I’ve said everything there is to say.”
    “But I haven’t. This was not what I wanted to talk to you about.”
    “Well, then what did you want to talk about?”
    “I just have something I want to tell you. And you don’t have to say anything. It’s not anything unpleasant.”
    “Ok, maybe Sunday then.”
    “Ok, sure …”

    Now, I don’t have the best experiences with texting him. As I said before in a different post, I think he’s dyslexic. I LOVE texting and writing in general (as you can probably tell …), but he responds with one-word replies, or sometimes a half-finished sentence. And when he senses just a bit of confrontation, he normally doesn’t respond.

    I did a lot of thinking yesterday about whether or not to reach out to him today. And I would honestly feel so ridiculous if I texted him and asked to meet him and he then didn’t respond again. And I’m not sure I want to put myself in that position.

    I can still make up my mind though. And this talk IS important to me, but I also can’t force him to have it with me if he really doesn’t want to. That would just be crossing his boundaries, and then I know for sure he wouldn’t even listen to me if I forced him to hear me out.

    But I would still love your input. What do you think I should do? Should I reach out, or is it simply too late? I’ve opened up a document now to type out what I wanted to say to him, and even though I haven’t put one word in it yet, I feel the tears pressing every time I place my cursor on the blank page.

    Please don’t tell me I’m a fraud. This is my real life and a real situation. What about it seems fake to you?

    #630102 Reply
    alia

    Take your energy and write a romance novel, but for heavens sake, do not contact the poor guy anymore, unless you want to get arrested.

    #630105 Reply
    Melody

    @Gunger – it IS true. No, I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone I feel like I can’t communicate with properly. We had that issue where he would assume I meant one thing, and I would assume he meant something else. We come from different backgrounds and that’s really all it was.

    I wanted to tell him that I wanted us to communicate better and that I wanted to get to know him better and spend time with him. I asked him once before if he didn’t want to spend more time with me because he had been acting strangely that day. I was about to leave because I didn’t want to be in his way if he didn’t want to see me. He ran after me, grabbed my arm and told me to please not leave, that he really wanted to keep seeing me and that I had misunderstood what he said. We had a talk about our differences in communication, and then all was good.

    He told me the third time I hung out with him that he was happily single and not looking for a relationship. After this, he has never mentioned it again. Not to me. He talked about how he felt like all his friends were getting married and having babies and that he probably should do that too, but it was hard for him to get into that mindset. I didn’t say anything other than I was sure when it felt right for him, he would be able to do it.

    I swear he hasn’t told me off once. He has acted cold to me for a few weeks now, and I have been pursuing him a bit harder than I probably should during those weeks. But every time I decided to step down, he would come up to me, talk to me and make an effort to chat. So I assumed he wasn’t completely closed off.

    Friday night when I went to see him, we talked for a little while and then when I told him I felt like he had been avoiding me and that I was confused he gave me the “I don’t want a relationship” speech. I probably should have seen his weird behavior as an indicator that he wasn’t interested in more, but I wanted to make sure I had done my part.

    Of course, I want a relationship eventually, but I’m not in a hurry. Also, I sensed he had issues and so I wanted to get to know him and the extent of his issues better before making a commitment with him. I felt like he would be worth waiting a little longer for. That’s really all there was to my “talk”.

    He didn’t scream at me, but he also speaks loud and direct when he’s defensive. So that was that. As I wrote somewhere on one of these pages, when I walked off he drove after me offering to drive me to my car, asking me if I was okay to walk by myself and told me to have a good night. In his normal caring voice.

    But right, I will leave him alone. I have no intent to chase him or overstep his boundaries. I’m sad for ME since I had something completely different in mind than what he decided I wanted to talk to. But I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

    No need to go crazy on me though. But thank you for your input.

    @Kayla – I’m sorry, but I feel like that’s the way you interact on a forum. You all take time to give me your input, I feel like you all deserve a response to see that I actually read your advice. But really, I’m not Devlin. I don’t even know which thread you’re refering to …

    @C – that’s your opinion. Read what I said to Gunger. You can think I’m screwed up, we probably both are.

    #630107 Reply
    Melody

    @Alia – arrested!? Seriously? Ok, I won’t contact him again … But I’m not close to getting arrested here …

    #630108 Reply
    Emma

    Melody sweetheart please do not contact him anymore, please spare yourself this humiliation.

    Normally a person would talk to someone they’ve been seeing, sleeping with when things end, it is a normal thing to do, people often talk for hours and not once, to clear things, to ask questions, to get answers. It is a normal thing to do, but this situation is different, things were more in your head than in reality, he was hugging you and telling you sweet things, but darling, you were sleeping together, what did you expect? of course he’d say sweet things. Then he ignored you for weeks, then there was a D day victory of him talking to you at the gym, I felt so sorry for you when you said that, you thought it was a victory, then you showed up at his work, why couldn’t you call? you think it is not a big deal, but it is. He assumed you want things from him, so he ran for the hills.

    If you don’t contact him he will eventually. Especially because you said you want to talk and knowing you, he’d figure you are not going to let go, but if oyu do, this is when he’d get curious and might call you.

    How can a woman be “confused” like this? Melody how? why do you feel confused? there is really nothing confusing here and the whole forum is telling you that.

    #630112 Reply
    C

    You wanted to tell him you wanted to communicate better and get to know each other better and spend more time together. And you want a relationship eventually but you’re not on a hurry? That sounds like a relationship to me. And if you’re not in a hurry why after 2 months are you already pushing him to know what this is and why he’s ignoring you?

    What is this completely different thing you wanted to talk to him about that you had in mind?

    I really think you need to sit back and figure out why you want to push a relationship on a man who told you on your 3rd hangout (not date) that he didn’t want one? And if a friend were ignoring you about meeting up would you seriously show up at their work confronting them about wanting to spend more time with them and your communication issues? You’re totally delusional. You want a relationship with this man and he knows it and we know it and you’re sitting here in denial trying to convince us that wasn’t what you wanted to talk to him about!!! It was a completely different thing and he took it the wrong way and wouldn’t let you talk. Just keep living in your state of denial. It all makes sense how you fabricated this imaginary relationship in your head with this guy now.

    #630113 Reply
    Melody

    @Emma – exactly, I don’t want the humiliation of reaching out to him anymore. I also feel like a talk after what we had would be normal, but he REALLY doesn’t like to talk about his feelings. Not when it comes to this stuff, anyway.

    I felt he got scared that I wanted more from him and then decided to step down, and the reason I wanted to talk was to actually make sure he didn’t freak out because I really wanted to take it slow. That was the reason. I wanted to let him know where I stand. I know I can be a little intense in real life and I like physical touch, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to jump into a relationship right away. I wanted to tell him that.

    I feel like you’re right. I’m sure he will reach out to me if I just cut off contact with him and don’t initiate any interaction. That’s why I said somewhere that I’m pretty sure this is not the end yet. But we will see. I don’t want to feel ridiculous or humiliated. And if he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say then I have to live with that.

    I don’t know why I’m still confused. I think every situation is always hard for anybody but the involved parties to read correctly. But I AM listening, and I don’t want to freak him out more. So. I’m stepping down, dealing with this heartbreak by myself. Luckily, I have some really good friends around me and that’s helping.

    Thank you!

    #630115 Reply
    MariaTheOriginal

    Apologies for my outburst– but frankly, some of you were like maggots on rotten meat (me being the rotten meat as I gave “bad” advice). There is something really unhealthy about this place, with a few good souls in the mix. To those folks who are kind I wish you well, To those that aren’t, think about why you are here being that way– this latest turn of events showed me I have been here for unhealhty reasons myself (avoiding taking care of some more important things in my life) so I am moving on.

    melody– my best to you! I know it’s painful but you’ll move past it in time.

    #630116 Reply
    Melody

    @C – Still 5 months, not 2.

    I meant that HE decided I wanted to talk to him about wanting a relationship, but that it wasn’t what I wanted to talk to him about because it wasn’t. I wanted to let him know where I stand, NOT ask him for commitment, NOT ask him where we were headed, NOT pressure him to reassure me or anything like that. I wanted to tell him that I like him, that I like talking to him and find him really interesting. I wanted to tell him how I communicate and what I mean when I say something, and that I eventually wanted to find the right man for me, but that I’m not in a hurry. I wanted to tell him that I would love to get to him better and continue to spend time with each other. And then I would leave, leaving the next step to be up to him. That was all I wanted.

    I have never thought that we were in a relationship! I even never expected anything of him because I knew he wasn’t committed to me. I wanted to take the time to really get to know him. I’ve never asked him where he was, what he was doing, or how he was feeling. I was always aware of being present in the moment, have fun with him and not expect anything.

    #630118 Reply
    Melody

    Thank you, Maria! And the best to you, too. I thought your advice was good and I appreciate everything you’ve said in this thread.

    I hope all the best for you and that you will be successful in shifting your focus to more important things in your life. All the best to you, and thank you!

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